Hey what's up hello! This week Kayla and Sarah review media that's supposed to be ~sexy~. They look at everything from 50 Shades of Grey, to Magic Mike, to perfume ads to try to understand how people think any of this stuff is sexy.
(Note: This episode does contain a fair bit of talk about sex and sexual acts. If that makes you uncomfortable, skip this episode or parts of it!)
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/reviewing-sexy-things
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! This week Kayla and Sarah review media that's supposed to be ~sexy~. They look at everything from 50 Shades of Grey, to Magic Mike, to perfume ads to try to understand how people think any of this stuff is sexy.
(Note: This episode does contain a fair bit of talk about sex and sexual acts. If that makes you uncomfortable, skip this episode or parts of it!)
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/reviewing-sexy-things
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
SARAH: Hey what's up hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, sexual media.
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: M’elatonin.
SARAH: Oh, okay.
KAYLA: I just came up with that one on the spot.
SARAH: Wow, two weeks in a row.
KAYLA: I know, I'm really killing the game.
SARAH: Oh boy.
KAYLA: Killing the game, I just moved my cat, things are going great over here.
SARAH: Game dead.
KAYLA: Oh, oh, oh.
SARAH: So, uh, Kayla.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: We got some new listeners after last week's episode. I mean, hopefully we get new listeners every week, but like a significant number.
KAYLA: Yeah, last week the Twitter blew up and then I know someone had posted us, about us on Reddit, so hello if you're here from Reddit.
SARAH: Welcome to this beautiful, beautiful shit show.
KAYLA: Yeah, so we got like a bunch of new, I think we have like over 800 followers on Twitter now, which is wild.
SARAH: We sure do. Why aren't you all following my personal Twitter? Just saying.
KAYLA: Several of them are, at least several of them also followed me. So unless they just followed me and not you.
SARAH: Thank you, @Costiellie
KAYLA: Okay, I said we should acknowledge our new friends, not acknowledge how you want more followers at the beginning of this episode. That's not what I said at all.
SARAH: Well, I get one, you get the other, you know, you get what you pay for and I get paid like two dollars for this job.
KAYLA: I think we get more than that at this point. Speaking of, thank you also to our new patrons.
SARAH: Yeah, we have a bunch of new patrons, thank you. I mean, we will talk about you all at the end when we list our patrons.
KAYLA: But yeah, we hit our latest goal, so keep an eye out for…
SARAH: Which means merch is upcoming as soon as I can figure out how to use Photoshop in a more efficient manner.
KAYLA: Yeah, merch is all basically waiting on Sarah right now, so if you want merch, you know who to tweet.
SARAH: And while you're tweeting me, follow me.
KAYLA: Oh okay.
SARAH: Okay. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: Today we're doing some lovely reviews and reactions to media that's supposed to be like, sexy.
SARAH: Sexy? Yeah.
KAYLA: And we'll see what we think about that.
SARAH: Yeah, this has been an idea that we've had for a long time, and we were actually going to like watch like full-length movies and stuff.
KAYLA: But nobody got time.
SARAH: Ain't nobody got time for that. And honestly, I think the experience of just watching a clip like out of context is even wilder.
KAYLA: Well, I think it could also, and I know some of you get annoyed when we like, are wrong about things such as science, but like, I personally think it'd be funnier if we didn't know what we were talking about anyway.
SARAH: True.
KAYLA: But maybe that's just me. This, I guess this is just a preface that we mostly have just watched like trailers and clips, and so as usual we don't know what we're talking about, but we know that we don't know. So, calm down.
SARAH: We're acknowledging it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Thank you, thank you. So where do we want to start?
KAYLA: I mean, I guess we can start at, I mean, I feel like my experience today was probably…
SARAH: Oh, so we're starting strong then?
KAYLA: I think we might just got to get out there, you know?
SARAH: Just dive in.
KAYLA: Just get… mm-hmm.
SARAH: All right. Kayla, what did you watch on your lunch break at work?
KAYLA: Okay, I want to be clear. I was on my lunch break. So, like, it's not like I was taking up company time for this. I was eating my sandwich at my desk. If there's anything I took a shorter lunch break today, so listen, if anyone is listening from work, it was on my lunch break. Yes. Okay. This makes me so…
SARAH: You haven't even told them what it is yet. They don't even know.
KAYLA: All right, hopefully I don't get in trouble. I don't think anyone listens to this, but anyway, marking the first time I've ever really been concerned about what I say on this podcast. Character growth. Yeah, so I was at work and I was… I meant to watch videos and prepare last night, but then I forgot because I've been reading a good book at me
SARAH: Wait, what's the book?
KAYLA: Oh shoot. I don't remember what it's called.
SARAH: Do it in your juice. Do it in your juice.
KAYLA: I'll have to get up and find it, but I'll do it in my juice. And so, I was like, I'll just do it during my lunch break because me and Sarah are recording right after work, so I just need to find the time to do it. So, during work, with my brightness very low, and I do actually think I might have also switched off the company Wi-Fi to do this.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: It's covering my bases. I watched a scene from 50 Shades. I think it was 50 Shades Freed?
SARAH: Darker? Freed?
KAYLA: Whatever the last... Freed I think is the last one.
SARAH: It wasn't the first one.
KAYLA: I think Freed was the last one.
SARAH: It was 50 Shades Darker.
KAYLA: Okay, well, one of them. I basically just put into YouTube like 50 Shades Sex Scene because I just wanted to see... You know, I was like, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. You know? So, I already described the scene to Sarah, which I guess I shouldn't.
SARAH: I also watched it.
KAYLA: You did not! When did you watch it?
SARAH: Just before we were recording after I watched the other scene. I just didn't comment on it.
KAYLA: Oh my god. Okay, so should we like describe... I want you to actually... I would like you to describe the scene.
SARAH: I don't want to describe it. I'm aro-ace and uncomfortable.
KAYLA: That's fair. I'm surprised. I'm quite shocked you even watched it. Okay.
SARAH: Well, it's like I've had the experience of like reading or like hearing read aloud things that are like that. So I was just like...
KAYLA: But it was...
SARAH: Seeing it as a little more uncomfortable.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But...
KAYLA: So...
SARAH: Whatever. For the content, you know?
KAYLA: So yeah, basically all for you, the listener.
SARAH: So, you don't have to watch it.
KAYLA: Yeah, you probably shouldn't. It's like a lot. And like, I know people have said that like watching the movies is just kind of like a laughable thing because it's so bad. But like taking one scene out, it makes it less easy to just like laugh at because...
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: There wasn't much that was stupid. It was just like very sexual. Anyway.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, the... Whatever their names are, the lady and the man...
SARAH: Christian Grey. And... Anastasia.
KAYLA: Oh, that's right. Ugh, God. So bad. So basically, they were sitting at like a table at a fancy restaurant and he was like, take off your panties. And he said panties, which is the first...
SARAH: First of all, I hate that word.
KAYLA: The first terrible thing about these two guys.
SARAH: First misstep.
KAYLA: Yeah. Strike one. And she was like, we're at dinner. And he was like, I don't care. I don't know. I was also listening to it on very quiet.
SARAH: I wasn't really listening to it. Also, though, okay, she's wearing like this like lace, super see-through black underwear. Might have been a thong. That is...
KAYLA: Definitely a thong.
SARAH: Uncomfortable. Like, I get that she's like, you know, with this dude who's very into sex things. And maybe she wants to be, you know, nice at this dinner. But that's just really uncomfortable underwear to wear.
KAYLA: Well, it's also not good for you health-wise to wear underwear that like, doesn't have lining on it, at least part of it.
SARAH: Do it for your health Anastasia.
KAYLA: Yeah. So, she eventually was like, fine. And so, they have like a very long scene that switches between like, looking at them and like, a shot of her like, under the table, like, the panties going around her fancy shoes. And then she just like, takes them and like, passes them to him across the table. And he like, puts them in his pocket.
SARAH: Yep. And then he's like, check please.
KAYLA: Yeah. And so, then they're like, in an elevator going back to like, I don't know, a hotel room or something. And so, they're in the back of this elevator and there's other people in front of them. And so, he like, bends down and he ties his shoe. And then as he's like, standing back up, he like, puts his hand under her dress skirt and then just starts like, doing things with his hand.
SARAH: There are other people in this elevator.
KAYLA: Yeah. And they do some shots of like, the other people's faces. Because she's like, starts making some noise and they do some shots of the people's faces.
SARAH: But also, she just like, starts making noise immediately. Like, she's just like, there's a lot. It's a lot.
KAYLA: It's very immediate. I get if there was to be immediate like, gasp of like, surprise.
SARAH: Surprise. Surprise.
KAYLA: Yeah. But yeah, it is very immediate, her reaction. Which, I don't know. And so, she like, is just kind of making some noise and he like, leans over and he whispers. And he's like, don't finish. I think he says, don't cum. Ugh, gross.
SARAH: Honestly, okay, unrealistic. Listen, I'm aro-ace. I am not a person who has sex with other people. And I know that it is unrealistic that she would even do that in the first place.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, it's a very fast turnaround. Like, it's definitely possible, but I don't know
SARAH: Ain’t you aro-Ace for this shit.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: So anyway, and then the door dings, whatever, everyone gets out of the elevator. And then it's just like them making out in their hotel room or whatever. And she's like, are you kidding me? And she like throws her back at him and that's it.
SARAH: Wow. That is… I get why people would think that's sexy, but I'm just like, so concerned about the other people in the elevator with them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And also, I'm concerned about her health if she's wearing underwear like that.
KAYLA: I mean, if she wasn't wearing them for too long, it's not that bad.
SARAH: But they were at dinner.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's true. She'd have to sit all through dinner.
SARAH: So, who knows?
KAYLA: Also, like, I don't why he just has underwear in his pocket?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That's kind of weird.
SARAH: I feel like that's like a thing though. Doesn't that happen in Easy A?
KAYLA: I think it's a thing of like, I don't even know if it's like accurate, but I've definitely seen in movies of men like stealing women's underwear after they like leave.
SARAH: Like it's some sort of like trophy?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Some bullshit.
KAYLA: I've also heard of it being kind of like a trophy if you can like rip them off.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: Which is just rude. Like those aren't cheap.
SARAH: Women's underwear is expensive.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Ugh, unbelievable.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know, sometimes I think about how my grandparents saw one of the Fifty Shades movies. Like my conservative white grandparents.
KAYLA: Why did they um, oh yeah.
SARAH: They just like go to the movies just like for fun. They go to the show.
KAYLA: Same, but like…
SARAH: And they had like already seen everything else that was out apparently and they didn't know what it was. So, they were just like, oh we'll see this one. And um, yeah.
KAYLA: What were their reactions to that?
SARAH: I don't know. I think they were a bit shell shocked.
KAYLA: I bet.
SARAH: But I don't really want to know on some level.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: So, there's that.
KAYLA: I just like, I get. I mean like I get it. But like…
SARAH: I mean my biggest beef with Fifty Shades is that it is smut that depicts a relationship that isn't really actually healthy.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair.
SARAH: Because like you can write smut even if it's like BDSM shit that is, it's still a healthy relationship but the relationship depicted in Fifty Shades is not necessarily healthy. So.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That's my beef.
KAYLA: Because like knowing that it also made me during it, I was always like does she actually want to do that?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Is she like really uncomfortable?
SARAH: Like she has to.
KAYLA: So, like even if this was something that I was like ooh yeah going to watch this. I feel like I'd be uncomfortable the whole time and wouldn't be able to be into it because the whole time I would be like worried about her well-being.
SARAH: Truly. Yeah, I just, Fifty Shades is one of like when we came up, when I came up with the idea to do this episode, I was like the one thing I will not do is watch Fifty Shades. Like I'll watch like a little clip like this but I'm not, I will not watch the whole movie.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: It's just too far.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean from what I've heard it's like because there are some parts that are just like really bad like the writing is just really bad and so it makes it like less painful to watch because you can like laugh at it.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But I mean it is just like a lot, like it's just constant like because I guess I don't really know much about porn but I'm assuming it's not like two hours long.
SARAH: I wouldn't know.
KAYLA: I don't either but I guess that's just my assumption.
SARAH: Oh man.
KAYLA: And like this isn't really porn but it's kind of like a two-hour long porn.
SARAH: Kind of.
KAYLA: Which is a lot, like softcore porn but like porn
SARAH: Yeah. Speaking of softcore porn, let's jump into that Magic Mike clip we watched.
KAYLA: Okay, here's the thing is that's not even close to softcore porn.
SARAH: I know but I felt so uncomfortable.
KAYLA: See I'm interested to hear why you were uncomfortable because I hate… Yeah, I just… I want to know why you felt uncomfortable.
SARAH: Honestly, I think I felt more uncomfortable watching the Magic Mike one than 50 Shades one.
KAYLA: Stop really?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Why?
SARAH: I… okay I don't know. Like I get that it's supposed to be like sexy but I just feel like I should not be watching this and then you hear like the audience like cheering and I'm like I feel weird about this. Like it's not softcore porn but it's like live porn without actual sex in it you know? Does that make sense?
KAYLA: I guess. Yeah.
SARAH: Because the video we watched was the Magic Mike XXL the 2015 movie it's like the final dance scene.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, you know they're just… they're doing some stripping, there are some girls on the stage.
KAYLA: See, to me like I… it didn't really make me uncomfortable at all and like I didn't necessarily find it super sexy either but I think both of those are because I was more like huh what skillful people, because like they are doing a lot of like things that require like a strong core and like muscles and stuff.
SARAH: I mean yeah like I do have a lot of respect for like pole dancers because that shit is hard
KAYLA: Oh yeah, like they definitely have like a lot of control over just like their body movement which is like I do not and so the whole time I think I was kind of like wow they're doing a great job.
SARAH: Yeah, but like then there's that one part where like the girls are like laying on the ground and then they just like end up kneeling over their head and then they just put the girl's head in their crotch.
KAYLA: Yeah. I think that was…
SARAH: And I was like I don't like this.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean it definitely doesn't seem like enjoyable like I get what they're insinuating, that does seem like a lot
SARAH: Yeah, like my thoughts as I was watching this, I was just like why is this a movie? Like I know it made a lot of money like I know why it's a movie but also why is it a movie?
KAYLA: Well, I haven't watched it and I don't know much about it but from what I've heard it's like also about some more serious stuff.
SARAH: Yeah, I guess and now I'm just reading the comments though.
KAYLA: But also, Sarah like if you're going to ask why is this a movie you need to ask that about a lot of movies that are just about like sexy women.
SARAH: Oh, I mean I would also say that of those movies too. Any sort of like super sexualized objectification of any person of any gender I'm like what is this? Put it away.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know I wasn't that disturbed by it but I think it was mostly because I was like huh
SARAH: That's really interesting that like I was very disturbed by this and you were just not.
KAYLA: Have you watched there's a ladylike video where male strippers teach Devin how to strip?
SARAH: I don't think so.
KAYLA: You should watch it because maybe that's also why because throughout the whole video she's like trying to do this stuff and she's like oh this stuff is actually like really hard.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I will say I think the only part that made me like kind of uncomfortable so in the scene there's like two men and they're dancing on two women and there are parts where… so they're doing like the same thing at the same time kind of like mirroring each other.
SARAH: Yeah. It's like a mirror situation.
KAYLA: Yeah, but there's like at one point where they're like… they like high five and then like keep doing their thing and that made me a little uncomfortable because it just seemed like bros being like oh yeah doing the thing. So that was the only part that really made me uncomfortable.
SARAH: Yeah, I'm just like rewatching bits of it now and I just hate all of it so much.
KAYLA: I don't know it really doesn't bother me that much.
SARAH: It's so unabashedly sexual which is the point but it just makes me feel real weird.
KAYLA: You can't see it as like kind of dance like.
SARAH: I mean I can but then I just look at all the parts that are like extremely like oh this is trying to look as much like sex as possible.
KAYLA: Yeah, but they have clothes on.
SARAH: I know but I just hate it so much.
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: I'm aro-ace what do you want me to do?
KAYLA: I mean I guess but I don't know.
SARAH: The comments are very interesting though because like a bunch of girls are like damn, I want to go to a male strip club now, that girl with Channing Tatum is mad lucky and then this one guy goes the blonde girl is hot lol laughing crying emoji I don't know why I'm watching this I'm a guy. I like how you had to specify that you're a guy your masculinity is so fragile.
KAYLA: Yeah, it seems very fragile like lol I don't know why I'm watching this like okay dude chill.
SARAH: Oh god I looked at the replies to that and someone goes it's okay I am too but I don't think it's weird or anything for guys to watch this there are straight… that are straight… remember girls watch lesbian porn.
KAYLA: Oh, okay, well okay that seems like it took a lot of jumps but all right.
SARAH: The only reason of why I got a boner was because of the girls getting humped they were practically fucking tbh I got to go, I… stop reading that.
KAYLA: How could you get…
SARAH: And then someone is like all girls are pregnant after seeing this.
KAYLA: How are you turned on by that?
SARAH: I don't, I don't I like everyone in the comments is so thirsty and I'm just like oh get it away from me
KAYLA: My god
SARAH: I want it gone.
KAYLA: I mean, I guess the people that are going to seek out this video are people that like it so I guess that makes sense.
[00:20:00]
SARAH: Yeah not…
KAYLA: Not you
SARAH: Me being afraid
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: It's so… oh my god
KAYLA: You can… you don't have to watch it anymore it's okay
SARAH: I'm not I'm just thinking about it now
KAYLA: Don't, let's think about… let's do something else.
SARAH: Okay let's talk about the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Because that's like… because I feel like 50 Shades and Magic Mike are definitely intended for like a straight female audience at least that's who they have in mind when they're making it uh but Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is interesting because I mean like if Victoria's Secret it's like a lingerie company in the United States that's failing um but…
KAYLA: Yeah, they're not doing well
SARAH: They're not doing well. Um but they… I mean like 10, 15 years ago they were like the height of everything
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Um and they every year have fashion show where these super skinny women wear like lingerie and there's like bands playing and I don't know um but like the things they sell are marketed towards women but I feel like in a lot of ways they're also marketed towards men.
KAYLA: See I feel like the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is more… I mean I don't know if it's more marketed towards women but like it like…
SARAH: Like this should be what you seek to be like it just
KAYLA: It's kind of almost like the bachelor I guess how like I don't know if I see it so much anymore but like especially a few years ago when it was like Victoria's Secret Fashion Show night, I would see girls like tweeting about it and being like oh I'm watching this but like I never have really heard guys talk about it I've only really heard girls talk about it.
SARAH: I feel like I've seen… I don't know, I don't watch it so like I wouldn't know their demographics are
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But I definitely have seen like men straight men on the internet talk about like the a lot of like the models who are because I'm looking this video is top 10 best walks of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and you've got a bunch of names that I recognize so there's like Gisele Bundchen and Adriana Lima and it's just like those are seen as like this is woman you know
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean I feel like I see guys talk about the models but like…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Not about the show
SARAH: But I think that's what I'm saying is like because it's like models wearing like underwear for that reason they are kind of appealing to men and also just in the fact that like they like okay obviously not everyone who wears like lingerie is doing it for another person like because also just like they sell like underwear and shit like regular daily like but also like a lot of times when you think about like the fancy stuff that they sell Victoria’s Secret like you're kind of buying it like for someone else and so in some ways I think they are like marketing to that group you know?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But it's just all of these models are not shaped like real humans
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean I feel like I've… I don't know if she was a Victoria's Secret model but I've definitely watched YouTube videos of people that like were models that talk about like just because I think especially the Victoria's Secret models are on like a specific diet and they have like specific workout routines like it's very intense
SARAH: It's especially bad for them because like their waists are just so tiny and they're all so tall and it's like no one looks like this except for the Victoria's Secret models
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And I know though that they recently hired their first trans model
KAYLA: Did they?
SARAH: They did except I mean…
KAYLA: Who is it?
SARAH: Let me look
KAYLA: Because what I was about to say was last year someone was like interviewing the guy that like runs the show or runs Victoria's Secret I don't know and they were like would you ever have trans models and the guy basically said like maybe it was a woman I don't know whoever said like the point of the Victoria's Secret model is to like sell a fantasy and like basically like trans people don't… aren't part of that fantasy.
SARAH: But they got a lot of blowbacks from that
KAYLA: Yeah, and so then um this trans woman she does YouTube, I don't know what else she does but Nikita Dragun did… she was like really… she like did a lot of the pushback on that and like made a video of like her in lingerie doing like walks and stuff and like it blew up and then people are even more mad at Victoria's Secret
SARAH: Yeah. well because… okay so her name is Valentina Sampaio she's 22 uh she's from Brazil but she's… I mean she's very passing she looks… she has the exact look of like a Victoria's Secret Model like tall, long hair, very skinny, like she looks… like if I hadn't seen stuff about her being trans I probably wouldn't have known she was trans which like there's no issue with that because a lot of times trans people like their goal is to become passing which has its own whole yeah bag of baggage to go with that but it's just like they were like cool we did it but then you know they still don't have any in like diversity anything other than they have some racial diversity now but that's…
KAYLA: Yeah, but yeah like body size and shape like no
SARAH: Yeah, but I just…
KAYLA: That’s interesting to me that they finally did that
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And that they didn't cast Nikita Dragun but I guess she probably would have said no if they asked.
SARAH: Yeah, it's just interesting to me like looking at all these like videos and images and stuff it's I get why it's supposed to be sexy but it just I just I don't… also I just have kind of like an anti-Victoria secret bias at this point in my life
KAYLA: Yeah, to me though like this is another thing where it seems so separate to me that when I see them walking it's either like okay like I'm not a huge fan of like the standard this is setting but then the other part is just like this is like wow they're good at their jobs look at them walk oh that costume is fun.
SARAH: They're expert walkers they look so fucking confident
KAYLA: Yeah, like good walking look at those sparkly wings oh what a fun bra like
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: It's so removed from any kind of like sexuality to me
SARAH: I also just don't like push-up bras
KAYLA: Yeah, that makes sense for you
SARAH: I just like you know they seem um unnecessary and uncomfortable
KAYLA: They're not, I mean they might be unnecessary but they're not uncomfortable
SARAH: I don't know I don't even wear any like underwire bras anymore because I hate them
KAYLA: That's fair.
SARAH: So, I have thoughts… I have thoughts on bras
KAYLA: Oh my god
SARAH: But yeah they get like huge like artists to perform
KAYLA: Yeah and sometimes they're like… the artists are like married to the models
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I think Maroon isn't Anna Mauvine married to one of them?
SARAH: I don't know apparently last year was Adriana Lima's last walk as a Victoria's Secret angel
KAYLA: Good for her, now she can eat
SARAH: Yeah, but it's just… to me it doesn't, it doesn't read as sexy at all it just is like oh I'm concerned for their health
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Have you eaten lately, because like they're like not allowed to eat before the show
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Like it's insane, that’s the tea on that
KAYLA: I was just going to ask what you think of um perfume ads
SARAH: Uh they make me feel uncomfortable, like why are perfume ads that sexual, it's a thing to make you smell nice
KAYLA: Yeah, there's a lot of like whispering.
SARAH: It's a lot of like love by ASMR companies
KAYLA: There's also just like… there's always these weird storylines that I can never quite follow
SARAH: Yeah, there's like weird plots in like a 30-second ad. They're like on the beach.
KAYLA: And they're always like really big actresses and it's like why are you…
SARAH: Like what's going on?
KAYLA: Don't you have a better project to be working on?
SARAH: I mean I guess they probably make bank from just a couple days of shooting, so.
KAYLA: I'm sure they do
SARAH: But yeah, um TLDR things that are supposed to be sexy I either don't understand or they make me really uncomfortable, we have one last supposed to be sexy thing to talk about which I'm including just because I… listen I've mentioned it multiple times on this pod and I'm probably going to keep doing it
KAYLA: I don’t even remember
SARAH: My Dad Wrote a Porno, I told you about it.
KAYLA: I forgot
SARAH: My Dad Wrote a Porno, it is a podcast…
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: To be fair or to be clear Sarah's dad did write that porno.
SARAH: No yeah, My Dad Wrote a Porno is the name of this podcast where this guy…
KAYLA: Isn't it going to be an HBO show?
SARAH: Yeah, it's going to be an HBO show um this guy reads aloud this smut novel that his father wrote but it's really really poorly written and also there's a lot of like lacking logic um and also like he and his friends just sit there and like question everything, so I personally find it very entertaining I mean it's… it definitely gets very sexual at times um but then like he'll say things about like bosoms draping and it's like how does that work?
KAYLA: Romance novels are always like that, I feel like I've read on like online so many are… oh Sarah do I have it with me I don't think I brought Bearllionaire with me
SARAH: Oh no Bearllionaire
KAYLA: So, there was this…. there was this… um book and there was like a this was back in me and Sarah's freshman year of college um no sophomore year uh yeah uh that someone was posting about on Tumblr that it was like this family of men that like turned into bears and then it was like a romance novel with these like women that came into town
SARAH: Yeah, there was like a barely in there, there was like a bare sport athlete man
KAYLA: Yeah, there was three in the series there's one for each brother
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Um but my ex-boyfriend when he was not my ex, that'd be weird um bought me a paperback version of the book for Christmas one year but I didn't bring it with me in the move because that would have been even more weird
SARAH: Oh, so sad, but it's such a funny book
KAYLA: Oh, it's hilarious, I read some aloud to Sarah, it was great but there's also scenes in there about like bosoms and also like people sex going way faster than, I think there was a part where with just the they were like triumphing and like with just the man's knee she like…
SARAH: Oh yeah, I remember that part
KAYLA: It was insane, I was like um if it was that easy, I think we'd all be very thankful
SARAH: Yeah or at least some people would be. Well, uh yeah well here's okay here's the thing with My Dad Wrote a Porno is that it's like the example of… it to me it's like uh a one man one like 60 something year old man put all of his fantasies into this book but like he hasn't actually had sex since he was like 25. yeah, and so he like doesn't remember things correctly.
KAYLA: I mean that's why most smut online is bad is because it's like 12-year-olds writing it.
SARAH: Honestly though like there has been smut written by 12-year-olds that is better than 50 shades.
KAYLA: Oh, for sure I’ve read smut written by 12-year-olds that is better than 50 shades like I’ve seen it.
SARAH: Like even people who don't who… I could write better smut than that. I'm not going to.
KAYLA: But you could?
SARAH: But I could, anyway imagine advertising smut is like hi this smut was written by an aromantic asexual person.
KAYLA: That would intrigue me so much do you know how fast I would click on that link?
SARAH: Oh man I’m not going to do it.
KAYLA: Dang it.
SARAH: Uh but like it's just it's so bad that it's hilarious.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And there are moments where I get very uncomfortable. there's like a base level of discomfort with it and then like there are some moments that are really really bad but because it is just so absurd it's just funny.
KAYLA: See that's the thing like I was saying with 50 shades is if watched the whole thing I think it would be a lot less uncomfortable but the fact that we just watched one scene made it like a lot worse.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean if I pulled a random scene out of um… the book is called Belinda Blinked.
KAYLA: A bad name.
SARAH: Like if I gave you just a… let me see if I can just find like a snippet of it because it definitely… it starts tamer and then it gets wilder. I haven't actually gone through the whole podcast because I’ve only ever listened to it with my sister for some reason.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Favorite quote oh my god my dad wrote a porno reddit favorite quotes from the books are you ready I’m?
KAYLA: I’m very ready
SARAH: Then the first one is just “no no no, you simple bitch”
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: He was Brazilian and he knew it. All right, are you ready? So, there's the line about… There's this character named the duchess and her nipples are as large as “the three-inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful titanic together”
KAYLA: Excuse me
SARAH: I don’t know, that's not how nipples work
KAYLA: Can you imagine having your nipples compared to the titanic, like how rude.
SARAH: Oh my god also um there's… oh god there's one part where it's like I don't even remember I couldn't do it justice oh no… look it's like they're referring to like the vagina area
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And I believed they said… he said, the lids popped open as if it's Tupperware. I could be misquoting it but I know it's somewhere in that realm
KAYLA: But that is not how it works, it's not how it works, it's actually um not how it works.
SARAH: Yes, all of these lines though are like not sexual ones that are still just really funny I think of the fact that like the actual writing is absurd as well um and also the guys he has a pseudonym and his pseudonym is rocky flintstone.
KAYLA: That's bad. I think the problem with like stuff that's supposed to be sexy…
SARAH: Oh, her vaginal lids popped open
KAYLA: Lids? with a d?
SARAH: Yeah okay, okay quote, oh now it’s loading, just I’m going to honestly give a warning before I say this, you may or may not want to skip it “her vaginal lids popped open and her labial pinkness was there for them to assess”
KAYLA: Um they aren't lids…
SARAH: Oh my god this is just the twitter of Belinda quotes
KAYLA: First of all, they just aren't that
SARAH: It's hilarious, but like this is definitely an example of like sexy gone too far to the point where it's just funny and so if it's… if it's to the point where it's funny I can enjoy it but like fifty shades and magic mike I’m just like get it away from me
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean they just take themselves too seriously is the problem
SARAH: Yeah, and I don't take sex seriously at all, you got everyone out there who has had sex before
KAYLA: Interesting
SARAH: Actually, more accurately everyone out there who would like to have sex in the future
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Uh do we have any uh closing comments? It was interesting to me that though… that me as an aro-ace person and you as a hetero-demi person had very different reactions specifically to Magic Mike
KAYLA: I mean it doesn't surprise me but I also don't think it's necessarily a specific sexuality thing like I think it matches our personalities pretty well
SARAH: I mean that's definitely very fair, but I mean I think it's probably a lot more common for aro-ace people to have such a knee-jerk reaction of disgust to magic mike. I'm sure that's not uncommon
KAYLA: Definitely I’m just saying like even if you weren't aro-ace like this is also…
SARAH: It’s just who we are as people
KAYLA: Yeah, this is like the…
SARAH: Expectation
KAYLA: The reaction I would expect from you
SARAH: Yeah, and that's the tea. I don't even know what to say about this
KAYLA: I… yeah
SARAH: I'm glad we did not watch those full movies
KAYLA: I'm also glad, I think I could watch… I mean I could… I feel like I could watch magic mike and be fine. I feel like I could watch fifty shades if I was like with the right people and also like drinking
SARAH: If there was a mood of like making fun of it
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: While we were watching it I might be able to do it
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah, if I was watching with people I could make fun of it with and I was drinking then it'd be fine
SARAH: Classic. Okay, uh what's our poll this week?
KAYLA: Oh man
SARAH: Our poll last week brought in a bunch of new people the stakes are high
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't think that's just going to happen this time
SARAH: The steaks of cow would you say?
KAYLA: No, I wouldn't
SARAH: Okay can we specifically ask about Magic Mike?
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: I want… okay Magic Mike, link that goddamn scene
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: And then how does this make you feel? Okay, so we have four options, one is going to be disgusted or like not disgusted…
KAYLA: Slow down, slow down. Okay
SARAH: What's a… for some reason I don't think of the word repelled
KAYLA: Uncomfortable?
SARAH: Like I feel like there should be like uncomfortable
KAYLA: Repulsed?
SARAH: I'm not… but I feel like I’m somewhere in between uncomfortable and repulsed
KAYLA: We only have four choices like it's not going to be great
SARAH: Okay wait so we should have one that's just like indifferent
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Indifferent, uncomfortable the thumbs up emoji
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: And um because I mean that can encompass many different positive feelings but it reflects an overall positive feeling
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: What if we just did a thumbs up indifferent thumbs down
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Okay cool uh yeah tell us how you feel about that scene from magic mike
KAYLA: Now I’m going to need to go find it again
SARAH: It's not hard to find though okay
KAYLA: I know
SARAH: Uh juice and beef do you have yours prepared or should I go first as usual
KAYLA: Uh I have mine but I’m also working on this tweet so you can still go first
SARAH: Oh, see that's why I always go first is because even if you do have it you're always just writing things down
KAYLA: It's terrible how I’m just prepping things so we're ready and I don't get in trouble
SARAH: Unbelievable, um okay I have multiple juices and beefs as usual
KAYLA: Shocking
SARAH: And they're in the order that I thought of them in, juice number one discovering the joys of reading non-fiction I thought for most of my life that I didn't like non-fiction but I just like…
KAYLA: You weren't reading the right things
SARAH: I wasn't reading this right stuff because like in my brain non-fiction was like a memoir
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: About someone's depressing life, like we have always lived in the castle is admittedly a pretty good book but you know not we have always lived in the castle the glass castle both are good books one of them is a memoir one of them is not
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: The glass castle is the memoir I’m thinking of. We have always lived in the castle is about a castle that they lived in.
KAYLA: I have no idea what’s going on right now
SARAH: I read them both in high school, both good books one of them is fiction one of them is not. But like I read some books about astronomy I read Michelle Obama’s book, right now I’m reading Pete Buddha Judge's book also I’m reading a book about swearing, so.
KAYLA: Lots of exciting things going on over
SARAH: Beef, gun violence, there have been several mass shootings in the United States in the past couple of days it's awful. I have run out of things to say about mass shootings in the United States because they happen so often and they no longer surprise me at all so.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Cool. Uh, juice the 30 to 50 feral hogs
KAYLA: Sarah just explained it to me last night
SARAH: Kayla just texted me and she was like explain the 30 to 50 feral hogs
KAYLA: I don't even think I said that I think I just said explain the hogs
SARAH: You said explain these hogs to me
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And I just said 30 to 50 hogs in my yard within three to five minutes I must protect my children
KAYLA: Yeah, it was also helpful but you did eventually explain
SARAH: Yeah, finally I sent her the tweet and then she said I’m pleased, thank you for your service
KAYLA: I was, I was pleased.
SARAH: I think they're funny
KAYLA: I’m a fan
SARAH: If you don't know you just got to look it I up
KAYLA: Or text Sarah
SARAH: I mean I guess some of our listeners have my phone number
KAYLA: It's true
SARAH: Message me on twitter after you follow me.
KAYLA: Oh my god shut the fuck up
SARAH: My third juice is Falsettos, the musical specifically the revival in 2016 I watched it the other day it's very good I cried. it has… listen Andrew Rannells, Christian Borle, Stephanie J. Block, Brandon Uranowitz what an all-star cast
KAYLA: It is a good cast
SARAH: Also, the woman who played Joanne in the Rent movie and uh what's the phrase, what's the phrase, Falsettos 2016
KAYLA: Oh my god
SARAH: Also, it was just… it was directed so geniusly it's just very good. Uh so Tracie Thomas is the woman who was Joanne and rent who was in it and also Betsy Wolf is in it and also a small child named Anthony Rosenthal
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: Well, not that small he's like 12, it's very good you can find a full professionally recorded video like on the internet.
KAYLA: Sarah
SARAH: My final beef is my computer charger being a little bitch I got a new computer charger like a couple of months ago, it's not an old charger because…
KAYLA: Oh yeah you did just get a new one
SARAH: And it has decided to be super finicky and sometimes it just doesn't like light up like you know how mac chargers like they light up when it's charging
KAYLA: The old ones yeah
SARAH: Uh yeah, I’m sorry that I have an old computer charger,
KAYLA: Yeah, you should be
SARAH: Well, it just like wouldn't light up and it would say it was charging my computer but it wouldn't increase the charge, it would just stay where it was like no matter how long I used it, it would basically… it was basically just I think just running my computer off of that charge without actually charging my computer and then sometimes it works fine it's stupid
KAYLA: Hmm
SARAH: That's my beef and juice what are your beefs and juices
KAYLA: My juice, my first one is… now I just lost it
SARAH: Oh unbelievable
KAYLA: Um this new book I’m reading called the Name of the Wind, my dad sent it to me, it's really line good
SARAH: Give me a long one
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Give me a one sentence description of the plot that's what I mean
KAYLA: I like can't… I’m like not even… it's a long book and we're very still in the exposition right now
SARAH: Oh boy okay
KAYLA: What I can give you is the knowledge that… so there's two books in the series right now and they're… like the author has regarded as like the new token like he's a big deal and the people have been waiting for a third one for years, they're starting to get really mad at him and he still hasn't written it
SARAH: Wait wait can I just add one more thing about Falsettos that I just thought of? Two more things wait one, it was one of the first Broadway shows to address the Aids crisis first of all it's a very gay show so I’ll have you know. Second, of all who would have thought that Christian Borle and Andrew Rannells would make such a hot couple. I do not throw the word hot around lightly okay but…
KAYLA: It’s just like why do I even do my juices and beefs anymore you know
SARAH: Okay, so your book, continue.
KAYLA: So, that book has been good and then my other juice is I saw um both be more chill and the Carol Kate musical on the same day last weekend
SARAH: Yes she did. She got to see be more chill and Toya Saskar was in and I’m so jealous.
KAYLA: It was very good, um yeah they were both very good
SARAH: By the time this is out, be more chill will be closed so you've lost your chance
KAYLA: Yes, you've lost it. um and then my beef is that when I was coming home from New York we left on a really late train to be fair but then the train kept breaking down and stopping on the tracks and we were just sitting there and at one point they gave us emergency water that had a five year shelf life and I was like, well if they're handing this out you know what's that
SARAH: It was also like… in like a juice box
KAYLA: It's a juice box. It's a juice box of lukewarm I have one sitting right here my mom kept hers, it like looks like it's straight out of the 90s you can go to my twitter and follow me to see a picture. it's truly insane
SARAH: Oh, so you can gas up your own twitter
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: But I can't do mine
KAYLA: But yeah it's truly insane looking, it is literally says emergency drinking water on it five year shelf life and then we didn't get back until 3 a.m. and the train was like super cold but the lady sitting next to us had just seen Barbra Streisand and we're like very excited and also very…
SARAH: Oh, wait the train was cold?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Oh, that's good, because I like I’ve been on some very very hot public transportations where I got stuck on them and it is God awful
KAYLA: I mean yeah, I would have rather that be cold than hot but it still wasn't enjoyable
SARAH: Yeah, I once got stuck on a greyhound bus to Chicago that like broke down and it was the middle of the summer and the air conditioning on the bus didn't work to begin with and it was truly horrible
KAYLA: Yeah, that doesn't sound good, but apparently a bunch of other trains from New York that night were really hot and there was like water going down the aisle which there was some water going down the aisle of our train but not a lot and like they made them get off the train and then get back on but we didn't have that but it was still annoying and I was really tired.
SARAH: Unfortunate. All right, so that's our beef and our juice you can tell us about your beef, your juice your thoughts on that Magic Mike video on our twitter @soundsfakepod my personal twitter is @ costiellie, c-o-s-t-i-e-l-l-i-e. Kayla is @ Kayla_K-a-s. See, I promoted you to, you're welcome
KAYLA: Well thanks
SARAH: And it was weird in ASMR, I’m going to stop I hate ASMR
KAYLA: Um oh so you can do… I’ve been asking for an ASMR episode for years and you get to do it
SARAH: Well, because when I talk, I don't have to listen to it or at least I guess when I edit it I do but it's like my own voice so it's less weird
KAYLA: Whatever
SARAH: Um okay, we also have a Patreon as we mentioned we got a bunch of new patrons recently so wonderful patreon.com slash sounds fake pod if you'd like to join that group of lovely humans. We reached our goal as we said earlier for merch, so merch is coming as soon as I get better at photoshop
KAYLA: It's not even going to… like the stuff you need to do really isn't even that hard
SARAH: It's not hard at all
KAYLA: You just need to literally do it
SARAH: And the reason I have to do it is because I’m picky about fonts
KAYLA: It's literally all Sarah’s fault like please I would like you all to tweet Sarah because it's literally just…
SARAH: As long as you follow me
KAYLA: Like I’ve done all of my stuff, the lovely artists that are… have created art for us have done all of their stuff such…
SARAH: They’ve done beautiful work
KAYLA: It's literally just Sarah
SARAH: Our $2 patrons are: Keith McBlane, Roxanne, AliceIsInSpace, anonymous, Nathan Dennison, Mariah Walzer, and Jonathan and changelingmx, uh KAHUNGALING and a new $ 2 patron Christopher T Verdieri, I think it's Verdieri
KAYLA: I don't know
SARAH: Does the t stand for the…
KAYLA: I hope so
SARAH: It's like how the golden ratio dog Hopper her name is Hopper T dog for Hopper the dog
KAYLA: That's very stupid
SARAH: Sometimes they call her Hopper T. anyway hi thank you so much for your two dollars monthly we very much appreciate it. Our $5 patrons are: Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero, my Aunt Jeannie, Dee, Meagan Rowell, Quinn Pollock and Emily Collins and Tim Tim is new, hi Tim actually was new last week but we recorded the episode so early in the week and then I where was I…
KAYLA: You were at Tracy’s Film Festival
SARAH: I was out of… I’m going to be… oh Jesus Christ I just realized I’m going to be out of town four weekends in a row. I was like I was out of town but where was I. but yes thank you Tim I will say your name again Tim Tim Tim Tim Tim because I didn't say it last week and then another new fellow at Patreon Ryan Lutsieti I think is how you say it, it's a fun name, thank you Ryan thank you for your support. Our $10 patrons are: Kevin and Tessa, @dirtyunclekevin and @tessa_m_k, Arkness who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, and Anonymous who would like to promote Summer Break. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom who would like to promote the organization of free mom hugs and Sarah jones who was previously a ten dollar patron but bumped up to 15 thank you Sarah she would still like to promote social media @eternalloli but uh Sarah you get to give us a an episode topic to do which to be honest we need.
KAYLA: It's true
SARAH: Kayla sent the incorrect message to you earlier, sorry
KAYLA: I just sent a new one, it's fine.
SARAH: Good, okay all right well thank you for listening, thank you to all of our new listeners and our old listeners alike and our medium aged middle… our middle-aged listeners
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then take good care of your cows