Hey what's up hello! This week we give you many VERY helpful tips for how to not be aphobic. From lobotomies to talking to Russian bots, there are many ways to stop this behavior.
(Listen until the very end for a special surprise).
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/how-to-not-be-aphobic
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! This week we give you many VERY helpful tips for how to not be aphobic. From lobotomies to talking to Russian bots, there are many ways to stop this behavior.
(Listen until the very end for a special surprise).
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/how-to-not-be-aphobic
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey, what's up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, being aphobic.
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Oh no, um, m’arigolds.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: My cat won't shut up. My cat is on my desk.
SARAH: I mean that's consistent from episode to episode.
KAYLA: Yeah, she's a piece of garbage.
SARAH: I mean, speaking of pets though, I am back to living at my parents' house.
KAYLA: Yeah, we have a new…
SARAH: With my dog.
KAYLA: We have a new Midwest headquarters.
SARAH: Yeah, a new Midwest headquarters. Uh, so…
KAYLA: Now we are, we're in New Haven, Connecticut, and uh…
SARAH: Rochester Hills, Michigan.
KAYLA: Yeah, I didn't know if you wanted to put your location on blast.
SARAH: I wasn't sure either.
KAYLA: Well, here we are.
SARAH: We’ll see.
KAYLA: It's not like anyone's going to find you.
SARAH: That's true. There are enough people that live here.
KAYLA: Also, if they follow you on social media, they already know.
SARAH: Yeah, that's true. Hold on, I'm looking up the population. There's 75,000 people who live here.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think you're probably good.
SARAH: I'm probably fine.
KAYLA: And I can hide amongst all the students who just started back at Yale.
SARAH: Yay.
KAYLA: This is our first year not going back to school, and I feel weird.
SARAH: It's, I, it hasn't quite sunk in for me yet because…
KAYLA: Oh, it has totally sunk in for me.
SARAH: Michigan hasn't started school yet.
KAYLA: Yeah, but everyone is moving back right now.
SARAH: I know, but like…
KAYLA: You know they had their first Quidditch practice?
SARAH: I know, I saw the chat about it.
KAYLA: My boyfriend, who is still in school and on the team, texted me the other day, like two days ago, and was like, should I go to practice? And I was like, holy shit, you have that? Like, I was shocked. I am so far removed. I was like appalled and shocked.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, I was moving out just as everyone else was moving in, so it was weird.
KAYLA: Oh, do you want to, uh, tell everyone about the Todd update? The Todd date?
SARAH: Oh, yeah, if you didn't happen to see our, um, Snap story.
KAYLA: Instagram story.
SARAH: Sorry, we don't have a Snapchat. Instagram story this previous Monday. So, I moved out of our house in Ann Arbor, and the lovely, beautiful, stupid, deformed Todd the cactus is staying behind to watch over that room where we recorded so many podcasts. And our friend, who is also a friend of the pod, Zeke, is going to be, well he is, living in that room now, and so he is going to be watching over Todd. He is, as is explained in his Instagram bio, the chief cactus caretaker at Sounds Fake Pod.
KAYLA: You know what I would like if we did?
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: Is maybe every couple of episodes we just get a… like a sound bite from Zeke on a Todd update
SARAH: That'd be great.
KAYLA: Maybe a nice new segment we can do. And then Zeke will finally get to be on the podcast, which has been his dream for so long.
SARAH: That's true, he's been asking to be on the podcast for two years.
KAYLA: But no offense to him, he's the straightest, whitest man, so there's truly nothing we can do with him.
SARAH: And he hasn't come up with any topics.
KAYLA: No, he just wants to be on really bad.
SARAH: He just wants to be on it.
KAYLA: I think it'd be nice if he was like our resident cactus correspondent on the scene every couple of episodes.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Do you think we could ask him for a little soundbite for this episode? Just introducing and telling us how it's going so far?
SARAH: Every time you say soundbite, I just think of like a soundbite of Todd, and I was like Todd doesn't make noise.
KAYLA: Well, he could if you touched him.
SARAH: We can ask.
KAYLA: Alright, well maybe that'll be like at the end of the episode or something.
SARAH: We'll see. We'll surprise you.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Cool. Okay, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week is the sister episode to episode whatever the number is. I don't know our own podcast. I honestly don't remember what was it? What was it called? I don't know.
SARAH: It was What to Do Instead of Being Aphobic.
KAYLA: Ah, yes.
SARAH: That was the one where I went off and I had like 150 things listed because I kind of went crazy because my medication made my brain go a little woohoo. And I came up with a bunch of things to do instead of being aphobic. And this week's episode is how to not be aphobic. And some people might say, I mean, you already did that episode because we did things to do instead of being aphobic. And… but here's the thing. Some people might say, great, I now have alternative activities to do from the what to do instead of being aphobic episode. But they're mere distractions. They don't solve the underlying problem, which is, of course, the aphobia, which is why we are bringing you this episode today.
KAYLA: Yes. Yeah.
SARAH: I think most of these could really be applied to any marginalized group. And please, by all means, do so. But we are going to focus mostly on asexuality, aromanticism, aspec examples specifically. Because, you know, aphobia is real and prevalent and fuck that shit.
KAYLA: True. Mine might stray a bit into a little similarity to the last episode.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Or more... maybe more like... maybe the person will still inherently be aphobic, but they will not be able to say it.
SARAH: Okay. I like where this is going. I don't know where it's going, but I like it.
KAYLA: Yeah, so it might be... it might be not teaching them... I'll give you my first one. How about an example?
SARAH: Go for it.
KAYLA: If you're about to say something aphobic, instead, take off your sock and put it in...
SARAH: But if you’re now wearing socks
KAYLA: I'll get there. I've thought about this. So, take off your sock and put it in your mouth. If you're not wearing socks, oh boy, are you in luck. You get to take off your foot skin, because inherently that is a bit of a sock, and you are to put that in your mouth instead.
SARAH: Okay. Well, let's hope you're wearing socks, which is something I don't usually say, because I never hope I'm wearing socks.
KAYLA: So that isn't so much, you know, solving the aphobia, but it will keep you from saying it, you know?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And it might also be like a training exercise. So eventually maybe you'll stop thinking it, because every time you think it and go to say it, you have to put a yucky sock or skin in your mouth. So, it'll be like a nice, um, whatever, what's the psychology thing?
SARAH: I was just trying to think of it. You have a degree in psychology. Pavlovian response.
KAYLA: Response. I know, I know what I have.
SARAH: Here's the question. Say you're not wearing a sock, as I currently am not wearing a sock.
KAYLA: Let's hope you don't think anything aphobic.
SARAH: Yeah, if say I were to think something aphobic and wanted to say it aloud, I removed the skin of my foot, I put it in my mouth. Now say it's next week, and I have another thing, and I'm not wearing socks. I could take it off my other foot, but what happens if I think too many aphobic things, and I have removed the skins of both my feet, and I'm not wearing socks?
KAYLA: So, this is where it might get to maybe you won't be aphobic, because eventually if this keeps happening, you will die, because you will just have to start taking the muscle off your foot and then the bone. If it keeps happening, you will have to move up your body, and eventually you may have put your entire body in your mouth.
SARAH: Okay, that makes a ton of sense. I think, also, if you've removed the skin on your foot, you're more likely to be wearing a sock, because I feel like if your muscles and tendons are just like floompin' around, you want to keep them contained. Can your muscles feel pain? Are there like nerves? Would you be taking the nerves off with your skin?
KAYLA: The nerves would be a layer. I think, I mean, after the skin might come the nerves, if you have to take something else off. But I don't think the nerves are like so attached to the skin that when you pull it off, it like also takes all the nerves out.
SARAH: Okay, if you know science, please let us know.
KAYLA: Yeah, I know some of you really hate when we do science and do it wrong, so, um, I would be sorry, but I'm not.
SARAH: But this science is so absurd that like it doesn't matter, you know?
KAYLA: I mean, it matters to me, but that's okay if you want to devalue that, Sarah. Okay.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Uh, step one for me for how to not be aromantic is...
KAYLA: How to not be aromantic? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're going to need to take your sock and put it in your mouth.
SARAH: I done fucked up.
KAYLA: Uh oh, time to lose some foot skin.
SARAH: I am aromantic. I don't want to be not aromantic. I've made a mistake.
KAYLA: Oh man. That is unfortunate.
SARAH: Step one. Do not be... I was looking at my notes and I happened to look at the word aromantic as I was saying it.
KAYLA: Oh my gosh. That's right, folks. We have notes for this episode.
SARAH: Um. Oh yeah, we do. Uh, anyway. To not be aphobic, step one is to let Apple know that on their notes app, aphobia is listed as not a word. And maybe they should rectify that. Just a small thing. Step two is when you see a human, remember that they are indeed a human.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: Now, Sarah, you might say, what if they're a Russian bot trying to hack an election? And to that I say, please inform the FBI of your suspicions, and then remember that the person behind that Russian bot is also a human.
KAYLA: And, uh, so how is this supposed to stop you from being aphobic?
SARAH: Oh, uh, because, uh, a lot of times people, when they're being discriminatory, they're not viewing people as, like, very human. They're just like, oh, that person is ace. They're out to get me.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Um, so like, remember that they're like a human being, even if they are also a Russian bot.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Like, if you would treat a person like less of a human after finding out they don't want to fuck you, like, reconsider your life choices. I mean, this applies to all people, regardless of their sexuality. You know?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: As the brothers Green would say, imagine people complexly.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Kayla, how else should we not be aphobic?
KAYLA: I think a next reasonable, very reasonable step would to be perhaps get a lobotomy.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And I realized this may seem like I'm being cruel to people who are aphobic, and you're right.
SARAH: But aren't they being cruel to us?
KAYLA: Yes, and I think we should all fight fire with lobotomies, so here I go. I think, you know, do lobotomies work? No. But that's okay. Sometimes you got to bring back a fun old psychology surgery where you stick a rod like through someone's eye to poke at their brain and scramble it up because you think that's how to fix things. But I do think if you stuck a rod in someone's eye and scrambled up their brain enough, perhaps you would just like remove the aphobic part.
SARAH: Do you think there's like, like, where do you think aphobia is? Is it in the amygdala? Like, I don't know that much about the brain, you know more than I do.
KAYLA: Well, it's certainly not in the frontal lobe because the frontal lobe is where like your reasoning happens and it's not very reasonable to be aphobic. So maybe the problem is everyone that's aphobic or like phobic to, you know, any like sexuality or minority or whatever. Maybe they're all missing their frontal lobes and we just need to like give them some.
SARAH: Yeah, do you think that maybe just like the society as a whole is missing some frontal lobe?
KAYLA: We live in a society….
SARAH: That lacks frontal lobe.
KAYLA: Yes. And so what I'm thinking is, you know, you can donate your organs to science when you die. So, we should just take the brains of people when they die who have frontal lobes and do a transplant.
SARAH: Mm, brains.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: You know, jumping back to lobotomies, how I discovered what a lobotomy was was because I was watching an episode of Agents of SHIELD and it's the episode where Maria Hill is on and she's like, she's talking on the phone and she's like, she had to talk to Congress and she was like, I need a, like a alcohol and a lobotomy or something like that. And I was like, what the fuck is a lobotomy? And I looked it up and then I was just still like, what the fuck is a lobotomy?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's some very ancient science that's pretty dumb. I, uh, I'm assuming your answer to this is no, but have you ever watched one?
SARAH: No, I have not.
KAYLA: Yeah, you can like find videos on YouTube and I watched one once. It's wild.
SARAH: Jesus.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Alright. Well, okay. Uh, I guess then the next step after you get a lobotomy is to do your best to dispel the popular thought that ace people are choosing to be ace just to piss you off. Like, like you specifically. Um, because I mean, listen, as much as I would love to do this, do you really think that people are walking around like, hmm, what can I do today? I think I'm going to become ace and then wander around for the sole purpose of getting harassed by ignorant twats. That sounds fun.
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: I mean that’s just a thought.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Um, aspec people and other queer people are just trying to live our lives. Stop making it about you. It's not about you.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's true.
SARAH: So, if the lobotomy doesn't work, remember that.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, you might have to do multiple of these things. Oh, that's a good one.
SARAH: Get your lobotomy out of your ass.
KAYLA: Oh, that's just a prostate exam.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: I do think an ass lobotomy is perhaps just a prostate exam.
SARAH: I hate it.
KAYLA: It's true though. I'm a doctor.
SARAH: You're a doctor?
KAYLA: Yeah, did you hear?
SARAH: That's exciting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. Yeah, I mean, next step, get your head out of your ass.
KAYLA: True
SARAH: And also make sure your head is out of your ass before you get your lobotomy, because, I mean, an unintentional prostate exam.
KAYLA: Because then you'll get a prostate exam and a lobotomy at the same time, which I can imagine would be quite painful.
SARAH: Yeah, I can't imagine it's fun. I mean, what if you accidentally lobotomize your ass?
KAYLA: That would be wild.
SARAH: Truly. What's the next step, Kayla?
KAYLA: My next step is to go to therapy.
SARAH: Oh, big mood.
KAYLA: But make sure you go to a therapist that believes ace people are real, because as we've discussed in previous episodes, sometimes that can be a bit tricky.
SARAH: Yes, okay, so first step, I guess, would be find a good therapist who thinks things are real.
KAYLA: Find a therapist who has been to therapy with a therapist who believes that asexuality is real.
SARAH: Interesting, okay.
KAYLA: It's just like the domino effect of therapists.
SARAH: I guess. Do you think therapists go to therapy?
KAYLA: Yeah, probably.
SARAH: That must be wild. What if they're like, you're not doing a good job, I could do it better than you.
KAYLA: Well, I feel like they'd almost be more resistant to it.
SARAH: It's like a doctor going to the doctor.
KAYLA: Yeah, I feel like they'd almost be more resistant to it because they'd be like, I know what you're doing.
SARAH: Even sometimes that happens to me.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I'll be at therapy and I'll be like, I know this. Anyway.
KAYLA: I know this method. I've gotten a lobotomy before.
SARAH: This isn't my first lobotomy. So anyway, I think therapy is good for everyone no matter what. Even if you're doing really well in life, you should go to therapy. But I think it'd be helpful because I think people who have a problem with minorities and stuff, there's probably more going on there.
KAYLA: Oh yeah.
SARAH: That could be worked out and therapy would be a good place to work that out.
KAYLA: Therapy is good for everyone.
SARAH: It's true. It'd be a good place where you can work it out while not insulting a bunch of people or wasting people's time because you're paying that person to do it.
KAYLA: Yeah, so even if you're wasting their time, they're getting paid for it so it's fine.
SARAH: That's true.
KAYLA: And when you have some issues about how you got a lobotomy, you can talk those through as well.
SARAH: Yeah, or your prostate exam.
KAYLA: Yeah, or both. So, the next step is, if you're doing this for attention, congratulations because we gave you the attention you wanted.
SARAH: Two entire episodes.
KAYLA: I hope you feel loved. But this is the last time, bitch, so why don't you fucking stop and go find another hobby. For some suggestions, feel free to hit up our What to Do Instead of Being a Phobic episode.
SARAH: See, that didn't really sound like a way not to be aphobic.
KAYLA: Um, you know, it was a stretch.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: But like, I did give them the attention they wanted.
SARAH: That's true.
KAYLA: So, I'm just telling them, like, they can move forward from it now. Like, they can put it behind them.
SARAH: They did. Yeah, they did it.
KAYLA: So, like, you achieved what you wanted.
SARAH: Yeah. It’s time, it’s time to move on.
KAYLA: Now you should go cross-stitch a dick. Please don't do that. Well, no.
SARAH: That, wow, okay.
KAYLA: You know what? If you want to do that, go for it. I don't want to see it.
SARAH: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to clarify. Are you cross-stitching a picture of a dick or are you using a dick as, like, what you are cross-stitching on to?
KAYLA: Jesus. Oh, no. You're cross-stitching a picture of a dick.
SARAH: Okay, my mind first went to, like, the dick is my canvas of what I am stitching into.
KAYLA: I hate everything about this.
SARAH: Yeah, that is what my mind first thought of, and I thought, that's painful.
KAYLA: The world is your canvas. The dick is your canvas.
SARAH: The dick is your canvas?
KAYLA: I'd like this to end now.
SARAH: Okay, well, my next one is related to your last one, which is to listen to a podcast.
KAYLA: Okay. Ours?
SARAH: Specifically, ours or some other. There's, like, recently, I don't want to say we, like, started a trend, but all I'm saying is when we started this podcast, there were barely any other Ace podcasts, and now there's more.
KAYLA: We're just like the mother to these other Ace podcasts.
SARAH: In that case, it is true for at least one, because I know one was started by a listener.
KAYLA: Really?
SARAH: Yeah, remember they emailed us?
KAYLA: We get a lot of emails.
SARAH: Remember they emailed us? We sent them a long email giving them advice on, like, how to start a podcast.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah. I do remember that.
SARAH: I need to find… I'm going to find their name of their podcast. It's going to take me a long time. We need space podcast, and the A-C-E in space is, like, in parentheses.
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: Nice. So, yeah, that one we're actually kind of the mother of because...
SARAH: Oh my god, I can't believe we're mothers. I'm not ready for motherhood.
KAYLA: Me either.
SARAH: I never will be. I don’t want kids
KAYLA: Except I have a cat, so I'm already doing it. But anyway, so, like, there's ours, obviously the best, just saying. And there's a lot of others now because people decided to ruin our monopoly, I guess.
SARAH: Yeah, Kayla was, like, kind of upset, and I was like, Kayla, this is a good... She was jokingly upset.
KAYLA: I was not
SARAH: And I was like, I mean, this is a good thing, but like, I mean...
KAYLA: You were also jokingly upset. Don't throw this ball at me.
SARAH: Well, yeah, because I was like, we need to create a monopoly. We should buy them all with the zero money we have.
KAYLA: But it is very exciting. There's more content now. So, our podcast, other podcasts, a podcast.
SARAH: Yeah. This is not a way to not be aphobic, but...
KAYLA: Wow, shocking.
SARAH: I saw a tweet today about how the person was saying how like blocking someone on Twitter is less akin to getting triggered and more akin to like slapping a mosquito that's bothering you. And that's how I feel about aphobic people. Like, I will try to put this mosquito through a reeducation program, but like, if that fails, I will...
KAYLA: You'll get them to lobotomy.
SARAH: I will lobotomize the mosquito by smacking it and making the blood of someone else that it has consumed explode on my skin.
KAYLA: That's, um, graphic.
SARAH: Well... You were talking about using a dick as a canvas.
KAYLA: You started that, to be fair.
SARAH: It's your fault that dicks is the only word I can ever think of.
KAYLA: I mean, it's not, because we haven't, like, lived together for a couple months, so that should be out of your system. At this point, it's your fault.
SARAH: Help me.
KAYLA: I can't.
SARAH: I want the dicks to go away. And I mean that in both ways.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Help me.
KAYLA: I can't. It's a curse.
SARAH: Okay. The next way to not be aphobic, Kayla, what is it?
KAYLA: The next way is to take yourself to a small cave.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And just like sit there for a long time.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Kind of like a solitary confinement situation.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Eventually, it will be so long that you'll, like, lose your identity and not know who you are. You'll probably start hallucinating because you haven't seen the light of day in a long time.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And at that point, you've lost a lot of stuff, including your aphobia.
SARAH: Okay, so you think it'll just, like, naturally go away.
KAYLA: Well, I think if you're in solitary confinement for long enough, you go a little crazy, and you kind of, like, lose touch with reality and the world and stuff, and so you'll probably forget about your aphobia.
SARAH: Okay, okay. Okay, how about this?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: An aphobic person walking down the street, and they feel the urge to… they see an ace person. How do they recognize the ace person? I don't know.
KAYLA: Who knows?
SARAH: Maybe they're wearing a black ring on their middle finger, but also, like, if they know that's an ace thing, they're, like, really entrenched in the community enough to know that, and, like, what's happening here?
KAYLA: Yeah, that's a lot.
SARAH: Anyway, anyway, say they see an ace person, and they feel the urge to slap that person, you know?
KAYLA: Wow, that's, okay.
SARAH: They can instead give them a high five, and then they will get such a beautiful high five in return that they'll be like, you know what? You're right. You are a human who's deserving of love, even if it's only platonic love, because you don't want romantic or sexual love.
KAYLA: Well, that's aromantic, so now you're getting them all mixed up, but okay.
SARAH: In my head, they're the same. I know they're not the same.
KAYLA: I know, but some people listening don't have both.
SARAH: I know. it was an aro-ace person on the street.
KAYLA: Okay, it was you actually.
SARAH: It was me. They wanted to slap me.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: But I gave them such a good high five because I looked at their elbow.
KAYLA: Yeah, that is the trick.
SARAH: That's how to give a good high five, you got to look at their elbow. How else do you not be aphobic?
KAYLA: I think, if you're thinking an aphobic thought, find a local bird.
SARAH: Okay, but birds aren't real.
KAYLA: I'm mostly saying this because I'm looking at a card on my desk that has a bird on it. Find a local bird. Now, will this bird be a robot? Yes. Because as we have discussed, birds are not real. They are robots from the government. Birdsarentreal.com, maybe .org. I don't know, look it up. They have a great Instagram.
SARAH: Dot .org would be really; I mean that's legit.
KAYLA: And I'd be proud of them. And like, tell this bird what you're going through. You know?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because I think a lot of times in like stories, birds are very like wise.
SARAH: Especially government birds.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: What if it's a Russian bot bird?
KAYLA: Well here… shh shh shh shh shh.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: So, alright, well here's, okay. It depends what part of the government this bird is going to be from.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: You know, because if it's from like the part of the government that's not doing great right now, they're probably going to be like, you should keep being aphobic. However, if these birds are trying to stay under cover, then they're going to have to give good advice and be wise. Because as we all know from like Disney animated movies, birds are usually like the princess's friend.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And are good. So, if we're assuming that this…
SARAH: Unless it's a crow or a raven
KAYLA: Yeah, don't go to a crow. Probably an owl would be your best bet.
SARAH: An owl's great. Like a blue jay?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: A fat little dove.
SARAH: A good dove.
KAYLA: A good dove. So go to one of those. Because even if they're from the bad part of the government, who wants to be aphobic, they'll have…
SARAH: A red robin. Yum.
KAYLA: Oh. Bottomless fries. Oh, that's another one. Hold on, I'll get back to that.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And so to stay in character, they will have to give you good, pure advice. And they will just sit and talk to you. This is similar to the therapy one. You can just talk it through with this bird.
SARAH: But it's free.
KAYLA: But it's free. It’s free
SARAH: And then the government knows that you're aphobic, and they'll put you on the aphobia watch list.
KAYLA: Yes. So, I think that's a really good idea. My next one that just came to me is, if you did not know, Red Robin, the restaurant chain has bottomless fries. First of all, Sarah, do you know what the best part of bottomless fries is?
SARAH: They're bottomless?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Okay. I mean, Red Robin has steak fries, which is…
KAYLA: I love a steak fry
SARAH: I think, one of the worst type of fries.
KAYLA: Oh, it's one of my favorite.
SARAH: But like, they're bottomless, so I'll eat them, you know?
KAYLA: Steak fries is one of my favorite, and their seasoning is so good.
SARAH: There's too much potato.
KAYLA: No, it's so good. Anyway, so now, do aphobic people deserve the beauty of the Red Robin fry? In my opinion, no, because they're too good. But they are bottomless.
SARAH: They're the fry, not the person.
KAYLA: Yes. But they are bottomless, and there's a lot of them, and they're a thick fry, so if they just keep bottomless-ly going into the person's mouth and stuffing their mouth, they can't say aphobic things.
SARAH: It'll push the aphobia down.
KAYLA: A bottomless amount of fries in their mouth at all times.
SARAH: Okay. Good. I think here's really the ultimate question here, is how does a person know if they're having an aphobic thought? Here is my answer. If they imagine a person who does not want to fuck them, maybe, or fuck anyone, and then all of the little, you know how in Inside Out, how like for the anger emotion dude, like it has those like emergency lights that go off?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: If you picture an ace person, or an aro person, or an aspec person, and those, and your emergency like red anger lights are going off, that's how you know it's aphobic.
KAYLA: Okay, alright.
SARAH: Do you have any other ways to not be aphobic?
KAYLA: Yeah, I have another one.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Take your tongue out.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Because then you can't say aphobic things. Now I know what you're saying. Kayla, they can learn sign language. They can write down their thoughts. I thought of that, you're also going to cut off the hands.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Now, you may also be thinking, what if they start doing things with their feet? Because some people can like drive with their feet. They don't have usable hands or arms. You have to cut those off also, but they probably have already done that because they've probably already put all their skin and their muscles in their mouth.
SARAH: Absolutely.
KAYLA: So, you're going to have to do that.
SARAH: Okay. Good.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: This episode got weirdly graphic.
KAYLA: It did. It did.
SARAH: I mean, listen, what are you going to do? When you're aphobic, you got to do whatever you can to not be aphobic.
KAYLA: Drastic measures must be taken.
SARAH: Yeah, I thought you said Jurassic measures must be taken. So, the last way to not be aphobic is to get eaten by a dinosaur.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's a good one.
SARAH: Specifically, from the Jurassic era.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Like maybe from the park even.
KAYLA: Wow. Okay.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, what I'm hearing is Jurassic Park is just going to be filled with aphobic people.
SARAH: Oh, yeah. I mean, that was the whole idea with Jurassic Park was to get rid of aphobic people.
KAYLA: Oh, I had no idea.
SARAH: They pretended it was like this cool theme park, but the ulterior motive was actually to let the dinosaurs loose and they will eat the aphobic people.
KAYLA: Where'd you learn that? Was it a documentary?
[00:30:00]
SARAH: Yeah, it was called...
KAYLA: What was it?
SARAH: That's what it was called.
KAYLA: You know what's wild? Is I know, so that's on Netflix, and I know there's also a different documentary on the same thing on Hulu.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: But they're a little bit different, so you really have to watch them both, really. It's like the fire festival.
SARAH: I mean, one of them seems to be a little bit more sympathetic towards the aphobes, and so I don't like that one as much.
KAYLA: Interesting. Which one? Is that Netflix or Hulu?
SARAH: The Netflix one is a little bit more...
KAYLA: Oh, Netflix. That's too bad.
SARAH: Leaning towards the aphobes. Yeah.
KAYLA: That's too bad.
SARAH: Which is sad.
KAYLA: Maybe we'll do an episode in the future reviewing those documentaries.
SARAH: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I love talking to dinosaurs, so...
KAYLA: Oh, yeah.
SARAH: Like, that would be a great guest to have, would be like...
KAYLA: Oh, that would be a great
SARAH: An aphobic person eating dinosaur. Like, they're not a carnivore, they're not a herbivore, they're not an omnivore, they're an aphobicivore.
KAYLA: That's...and I know you guys have been wanting more guests, and so I feel like that would just be perfect for everyone.
SARAH: Absolutely.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So not only was this episode very graphic, it was absolutely absurd.
KAYLA: Should we start, like, a second episode that's, like, kind of like, serial, that's, like, investigating this Jurassic Park situation? Because it seems like even the documentaries really aren't getting to the bottom of it.
SARAH: I mean, as long as the aphobic people are getting eaten, Grant said like the mosquitos they first attempted to put them through re-education program, but because that didn't work, then they were eaten by the dinosaur.
KAYLA: Yeah, there's actually a part of Jurassic Park that's just a school, actually, and it's a re-education program. And when people fail out of that school, they go to the other part of Jurassic Park and they get eaten.
SARAH: Yeah. And they try and run away with their margaritas, but the dinosaurs are coming for you.
KAYLA: Yeah, right next door is actually Margaritaville. It's all right there in one place.
SARAH: Yeah. Um... okay.
KAYLA: Well...
SARAH: Seriously, though, here's the deal.
KAYLA: What is the deal?
SARAH: To not be aphobic, talk to people, more importantly, listen to people. No one knows everything. No one understands everything. You don't. I don't. Kayla doesn't. The dinosaurs don't. Barack Obama doesn't. The Dalai Lama doesn't. I would like to reiterate that even the dinosaurs don't know.
KAYLA: Which is shocking to all of us, I know.
SARAH: I know. But at least they're woke and they're not aphobic, you know?
KAYLA: True
SARAH: But just listen to people and remember that they are human, unless they're dinosaurs. In which case, they're dinosaurs. But, you know, dinosaurs are very similar to humans. They have the same soul.
KAYLA: I've actually heard that, you know, people always say that monkeys are the closest to humans, but now actually they're saying it's dinosaurs.
SARAH: Yeah. Like all of the dinosaurs. Like, even though there's a lot of genetic variation among the dinosaurs, like, all of the dinosaurs together.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah.
SARAH: Especially, like, the more it looks like a T-Rex or a pterodactyl, the more it's like us.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, that's pretty exciting. Listen to people. Listen to people. Listen to people. That's the tea.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: This was a very silly episode.
KAYLA: Yeah, yes.
SARAH: But, genuinely, listen to people. Because that is the best way to learn stuff. And ask questions. But ask questions, like, in good faith. Not, like, why won't you fuck me?
KAYLA: Yeah. Like, ask real questions that will help you learn.
SARAH: Thoughtful questions that will help you learn. Yes.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Uh, what's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Oh boy.
SARAH: Dinosaurs, question mark?
KAYLA: That might be it. Oh, maybe a dinosaur race.
SARAH: Mm. The dinosaurs have to race to get to the person, the aphobic person they're going to eat.
KAYLA: How should I word this?
SARAH: I don't know. I feel like for this one the goal would be for everyone to pick the same dinosaur so that they could get to their aphobic person to eat them.
KAYLA: True. Alright, I'll work on this wording so it's not a very wild tweet.
SARAH: I mean it's going to be very wild regardless.
KAYLA: That's true.
SARAH: Alright, what, are you still writing or do you have beef or juice? I feel like you should do beef and juice first because I couldn't think of any beef and juice and then it all just kind of came tumbling out of my brain so I have a lot and I'm going to go quick fire so you should probably go first.
KAYLA: Okay. Oh, thank God, I thought someone was about to send us a mean email but it was a nice one. Okay. Um. Oh, okay. Um, my beef is that it keeps raining here. Why? I'm sick of it. There's a big puddle in the back of my apartment. It gets my feet wet.
SARAH: I mean, appreciate the rain now because now that the Amazon's burning. Oh no, I just meant because the Amazon's burning, like we're not, the water cycle is going to get fucked up.
KAYLA: This is true.
SARAH: Uh, so.
KAYLA: Oh, that's another beef I guess.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Um, my other beef is that recently I was listening to a podcast that was talking about Tamagotchis.
SARAH: Is that why you've been obsessed with Tamagotchi?
KAYLA: Yes. I know some of you have been tweeting me about it. You guys have been very supportive of my struggle with Tamagotchis. So, there's a new version of Tamagotchi out. It's $60!
SARAH: Jesus Christ.
KAYLA: But I want it. But also I already have…
SARAH: They did not used to be that much.
KAYLA: I know. They used to be like $5. But I already have a real-life Tamagotchi. It's my cat.
SARAH: Yeah. I definitely voted yes on that poll. Like, your cat is a real-life Tamagotchi.
KAYLA: Most people… I put out a poll on my Twitter of whether my cat is a real-life Tamagotchi. Most people said yes.
SARAH: That’s true
KAYLA: Some people said no. So that's my beef is that this Tamagotchi is $60 and I want it.
SARAH: Dumb. What's your juice?
KAYLA: Uh, my juice. I guess my juice would be like, with a nice little squad at work.
SARAH: Oh, I thought you said squat.
KAYLA: And I was like, oh. I do not squat at work. No.
SARAH: What if you…
KAYLA: Yeah, there's like, there's some other new people at work.
SARAH: I'm glad that you just enjoyed ignoring that question.
KAYLA: What was the question?
SARAH: Don't worry about it.
KAYLA: Okay. Uh, yeah, there's some other new people at work. So, we're kind of like a little, like it's like we're the little group of freshmen or something.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: It's cute.
SARAH: Kayla is making friends.
KAYLA: I know. Shocking. Shocking news.
SARAH: Success...
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Okay. Are you ready for this quick-fire beef?
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: All right. Beef. Moving. Self-explanatory. Having cavities filled. Having cavities…
KAYLA: Wait, I have another beef.
SARAH: What is it?
KAYLA: Okay, so Sarah knows this. Recently a chunk of one of my molars fell out. This happened Sarah and I's freshman year.
SARAH: It's an every four years sort of thing.
KAYLA: Yeah, I'm sure Sarah remembers because I made her look very closely in my mouth to figure out what was going on in there.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, what I think happened four years ago was I had a cavity and it was real bad, I guess. And I also grind my teeth really bad, so there's just a lot of pressure on my teeth. So, I had the cavity filled freshman year of this little hole that just came into my molar. A little piece of the molar just fell off. And I was chewing some gum the other day and I was like, why is there a hard thing in my gum? And it was the piece of my tooth. So, what I'm thinking is I just grind my teeth so hard and there's so much pressure in my mouth that I like pop the cavity back out or something.
SARAH: Yikes.
KAYLA: Or like the filling back out. So that's also that.
SARAH: Alright.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Well, I mean, I think my beef of having cavities also applies to you because the reason I had cavities was because I did a shit job of taking care of myself for a while a couple months back and it really fucked you over. Also beef…
KAYLA: Fucked me over?
SARAH: In general, people, you know?
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Also, beef, having to go back to the dentist to get even more cavities filled. Me and my dentist are buds. Also, every time I go to the dentist, they think I'm like still in high school or still in college or whatever level of school I'm not in anymore. They think I'm in that. So, I guess I just have like a youthful glow about me and my cavity teeth. I don't know. Also, other beef is being jealous of your friends' professional achievements and having them just make me feel bad about myself on top of being happy for them rather than me just being happy for them and calling it quits there. Like everything's fine. My juice. My juice is Rent, the musical. Like I've been listening to the musical a lot recently. It's a bop. Good as Hell by Lizzo. Lizzo's VMA performance. Lizzo's entire vibe. Dancing aggressively just like full out to Good as Hell by Lizzo. Reign by Ben Platt.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Share Your Address by Ben Platt. I think that's the name of this one? Yes, that’s it
KAYLA: A bop.
SARAH: This Was a Home Once by Bad Sons. Also, when you have the house to yourself and you just like sing Broadway karaoke full volume and your dog just sleeps through it because she's a fucking dumbass icon. And finally, the greatest juice of them all is the tweet where the girl is giving a bunch of examples of when you switch from dialogue to music in musicals.
KAYLA: Oh yeah.
SARAH: It's fucking hilarious. When I say I've watched it several times a day every day since it was posted, that is not an exaggeration.
KAYLA: You know what's another good tweet?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: I guess it was a TikTok, but it's that girl trying kombucha for the first time.
SARAH: Oh yeah.
KAYLA: And now people are using it as a reaction video to different memes. But I find such joy in just watching her facial expressions change that no matter what the meme or the caption, I always sit and watch the entire video because it just brings me so much joy. Like her face, it just brings me so much joy.
[00:40:00]
SARAH: Yeah. Beautiful. Well, we'll share that tweet for you guys. I love it so much. I also think it's even funny to people who aren't into musical theater because it's like, it's kind of making fun of musical theater, but it's iconic. That's my beef and my juice. If you want to help the dinosaurs eat the aphobic people, if you want to tell us about your beef, your juice, if you want to see that artful, artful video, hit up our Twitter @SoundsFakePod. We're Sounds Fake Pod everywhere. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you'd like to very kind of gift us your money. That sentence was a little bit wrong. We're just going to go with it. Our $2 patrons are Keith McBlaine, Roxanne, AliceinSpace, Anonymous, Nathan Denison, Mariah Walter, Jonathan, Changeling Mx, Christopher T Verdiere, and our new $2 patron is Patrick Jackson. Thank you, Patrick Jackson. That is Changeling this week.
KAYLA: Oh, I think, Okay, um...
SARAH: Okay, cool. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asthritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero, my aunt Jeannie, D, Megan, Raul, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Tim, Ryan, Lucietti, and Book Marvel. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa, @dirtyuncleKevin and at Tessa_m_k. Arcness who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ibarra who would like to promote tabletop games, and anonymous who would like to promote summer break, we forgot to anonymous if they had a new one.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: Oh no. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, and Sarah Jones who would like to promote @Eternal Lolli which is her… I said that weird, @Eternal Lolli, she’s everywhere
KAYLA: All over
SARAH: Everywhere, she’s in your house right now. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday
KAYLA: Oh god. Oh god! Oh god!
SARAH: Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then take good care of your dinosaurs
SARAH: And your cows
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And your dinosaur cows
KAYLA: Oh God
SARAH: I'm just going to stop it now because this is going to get more absurd. Okay bye!
ZEKE: Hello Sounds Fake universe, this is Zeke, a long time listener, first time cactus caretaker. I’m in the room formerly known as the Ann Arbor headquarters with Todd the cactus, Todd seems to be doing well, his mood has definitely improved since I stopped calling him Thomas, I watered him yesterday and have him propped up on a wall which I wishfully think is straightening him out a bit, I hope I can give updates in the future but until then take good care of your cacti.
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