Hey what's up hello! This week, we bring in our resident allo expert (Kayla's boyfriend) to answer your questions about what it's like to be alloromantic/allosexual.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/your-questions-answered-by-our-allo-expert
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! This week, we bring in our resident allo expert (Kayla's boyfriend) to answer your questions about what it's like to be alloromantic/allosexual.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/your-questions-answered-by-our-allo-expert
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey, what's up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla.
DEAN: And I'm Dean.
SARAH: We talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, allos.
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
[Intro Music]
SARAH: That was the most exciting sounding introduction
KAYLA: Dean does not want to be here
DEAN: No, it's fine. It's fine. I'm very excited.
KAYLA: Yeah, okay. Sure.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: M’iami. M’iami. It doesn't really...
SARAH: I understand what you're going for, M’iami.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah, it's hard.
KAYLA: There's this show Burn Notice, and before the credits or whatever, this guy is like, where am I? And the lady in the show is like, M’iiimiii. It's just how she says Miami, and that's how I say Miami to Sarah, so
SARAH: And I recently had to look up a scene from Burn Notice, but I couldn't remember what the show was called, so I just asked Kayla, what's the show with the M’iiimiii? And she knew exactly what I was talking about.
KAYLA: Yes. Anyway, we have a very special guest today who definitely wants to be here, and is excited to be here, and is happy to be here.
DEAN: Yeah
SARAH: We've never had a more excited guest.
DEAN: I’m excited
KAYLA: This is like the least excited person we've ever had.
DEAN: I'm excited for the content.
KAYLA: Okay.
DEAN: I'm a slave to the content.
KAYLA: A content slut, you might say. This is Dean, my human man boyfriend.
DEAN: Yes.
SARAH: That's true.
KAYLA: And today Sarah will be third wheeling. And she's missing a livestream for this
SARAH: I am
KAYLA: So, everyone say thank you to Sarah. She's spending her hour third wheeling instead of watching George Salazar.
SARAH: Yes, correct.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Well, Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: So, I forget which episode it was, but I think it was the one where we tried to talk about high school date...
DEAN: I had to cough, okay, I'm sorry.
KAYLA: Dean doesn't know how to podcast.
SARAH: Dean is going to give me the coronavirus through the phone.
KAYLA: Through the mic, just kidding, that's not how it works. Everyone stay home. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I think it was the high school dating episode. I tried to describe what dating and romance was like to Sarah, but then I realized that I was too demi to actually explain anything. And we had several people comment and tweet like, you guys should really have an allo person on who can actually describe this stuff because neither of you have any idea what you're talking about. And I was like, that's fair. So, I brought on our resident allo expert who was Dean, who didn't know what allo meant. Which was a question we actually got is if allo people know that they're allo and he didn't.
DEAN: Because I'm an expert.
SARAH: The answer is no.
KAYLA: Yeah, so I guess for anyone else listening that doesn't know, allo-romantic is when you do have romantic attraction and allo-sexual is when you do have sexual attraction. It's just like the opposite of aro-ace.
SARAH: Yeah bitch.
KAYLA: And that's what Dean is. Congrats.
SARAH: Me and Dean are opposites.
KAYLA: Yes, but you both are fighting for my love and affection.
SARAH: That's so true.
KAYLA: How does that make you feel?
SARAH: Dean we might have to battle to the death
DEAN: I feel like a loser here.
KAYLA: You feel like a loser? That's fair. I mean, you haven't done 125 episodes with me, so.
DEAN: 125?
SARAH: I mean, in a physical fight, could Dean destroy me? Yes. But, you know, we're social isolating right now, so…
KAYLA: You know what would be interesting? Is there that trend where people are like, who knows me better, my sister or my boyfriend? I would like to see who would win that.
SARAH: My sister made one of those quizzes and her best friend did better than her girlfriend.
KAYLA: Rip.
SARAH: And Amanda was very displeased.
KAYLA: Amanda.
SARAH: I got the same score as Amanda, so.
DEAN: I feel like you guys probably talk to each other more when we're not physically with each other.
KAYLA: Huh?
DEAN: Anyways
KAYLA: Okay. Anyway, so I asked Twitter and many people answered and some allo people actually were like tweeting back to people answering for their own selves. But I asked what questions you guys have for allo people and there were many questions and I'm going to ask them to Dean. And I told Dean to not be nervous because just like me and Sarah experience our sexuality in our own unique way, so does he. So, if he as an allo person experiences or views something one way, it doesn't mean that's how it is for all allo people. So.
SARAH: Yeah, let's emphasize that Dean is not necessarily the token allo person. All right, folks.
KAYLA: Yeah, just like we don't want people to… What is it like? What's it called? Ah, shit.
SARAH: Good words. Good podcasting.
KAYLA: You don't want to generalize ace people.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You don't want to generalize anyone, including allo people. So, leave Dean alone.
SARAH: Allos are everywhere. So, if you'd like to ask your friendly neighborhood allo.
KAYLA: Yeah, there's many
SARAH: One of these questions
KAYLA: They'll probably all have different answers. But these are Dean's answers because Dean is the one I had in my house because we're quarantined together with my parents. And he loves it.
DEAN: Yes.
KAYLA: We're having macaroni for dinner tonight.
DEAN: Are we really?
KAYLA: Yeah, and pork. Are you excited?
DEAN: I am excited.
KAYLA: Okay, well
SARAH: Can you tell Billie I love her?
KAYLA: No, because she has been very bad.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: These past days of quarantine.
DEAN: She broke a snow globe the other day at like 1230.
KAYLA: She broke a snow globe
SARAH: Oh no
KAYLA: She ran into Dean's puzzle and broke it. It's been a lot.
SARAH: Oh no, Billie.
KAYLA: I guess I'll tell her.
SARAH: All right. Let's ask the allo questions. Let's go.
KAYLA: Okay. Well, first, before I do the list, do you have any, Sarah, that weren't on the list?
SARAH: I'm going to be honest, I didn't read the whole list.
KAYLA: Wow. Okay. Well, then do you have any that maybe are on the list, but that you really want to know?
SARAH: I feel like they're all on the list.
KAYLA: Okay. Well, great.
SARAH: That I haven’t read
KAYLA: Thank you for a good podcasting, Sarah.
SARAH: Listen, if something comes up and I have follow-up questions, I will ask them.
KAYLA: Great. That is what we do here.
SARAH: You sent me the list this morning and I was doing work.
KAYLA: Shocking.
SARAH: I had work to do.
KAYLA: Shocking. All right. Are you ready, Dean?
DEAN: Sure. Let's do it.
KAYLA: All right. Do you have anything you want to say before we start?
DEAN: I mean, not really that you guys have already covered. Just remember, even though I am a straight white male, I don't represent all straight white males or anybody that falls into the allo category.
KAYLA: Yeah, you could have a very different opinion than any other allo person.
DEAN: Yes.
KAYLA: Yep
SARAH: Yep
KAYLA: Okay. Dean, how often do you feel sexual attraction or have a crush?
DEAN: I would say, so for me they're kind of different.
KAYLA: Yes, correct. Good answer.
DEAN: Yes
KAYLA: No, that's the right answer.
DEAN: So, in terms of crushes, they don't happen that often for me. Just because...
KAYLA: Because we're married now.
SARAH: Wow, are you telling me that you two got married and I wasn't even invited?
KAYLA: No, you were there, you just don't remember.
SARAH: Okay.
DEAN: So, I know certain people where it happens very fast, where every few weeks they move on to their next crush.
KAYLA: That's exhausting.
DEAN: I think that's also kind of more of a younger person thing, and then as you kind of grow older and maybe not associate with as many people, it happens less and less often. As far as sexual attraction, that kind of comes with it for a lot of people. Now, they're not like... You can have one and not the other. You can be sexually attracted to someone without feeling any romantic way for them. You can think of someone as attractive without thinking of someone as someone you want to spend your date with, if that makes any sense.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're split. Good job.
SARAH: Split?
KAYLA: No, I feel like there's not a lot of allo people that can accurately... and obviously you've listened to the podcast, I've explained things to you, so you're going to be more knowledgeable than most maybe, you're welcome. But it's good.
SARAH: It was interesting to me that you asked both of them in the same question. And I was going to be like…
KAYLA: Well, that's how it was posed.
SARAH: Yeah, that's fair.
KAYLA: I didn't mean it.
SARAH: Here we are.
KAYLA: Yep, that's all I have. I don't have a follow up to that question. Dean?
DEAN: Yes.
KAYLA: Okay. How can you tell the difference between having a crush on someone and wanting to be someone's friend or what we call a squish?
DEAN: So, I would say it kind of depends on how you interact with that person and how you kind of talk with them.
[00:10:00]
DEAN: So, like if it's someone that I'm romantically interested in, I'll probably invest a little more or try to learn a bit more about that person in a sense. Or try to, to an extent. Whereas if I just want to be someone's friend, it's the same kind of conversation but it has a different feel to it. And I think one thing like is an interesting distinguishment is, you know…
SARAH: Is that a word?
KAYLA: Yeah, now it is
DEAN: So, like, they showed a lot in movies and stuff where they're like, you know, guys and girls can't be friends if they're attracted to each other or they find each other attractive in a sense.
KAYLA: Sure
DEAN: And they always say that thing but they never say that about like guys and other guys or girls and other girls.
KAYLA: Yeah, because there’s no homo.
DEAN: Well yes, of course. Because that's how Hollywood is.
KAYLA: Tea Dean.
DEAN: Okay
SARAH: Am in Hollywood can confirm.
KAYLA: Am in.
DEAN: Yeah, so I would say, I don't know, wanting to be someone's friend, it kind of happens sometimes with like circumstance, just being around that person a lot. Whereas other times feeling romantic about someone can lead to you kind of going out of your way to talk to that person or seeing that person.
KAYLA: Or like an active effort
DEAN: Yeah
KAYLA: Which I think sometimes does happen with friendship. If you really want to be someone's friend, you might put in an active effort. I don't know if you've ever had anyone that you've done that with. I don't know that I have.
DEAN: Not in terms of just being friends, because I feel like it just kind of, you know, you just start talking and eventually it develops.
KAYLA: But you mean like becoming friends, not when you're like already friends.
DEAN: Yeah, yeah, like once you're already friends, you know, you'll plan to do whatever.
SARAH: Do you just feel like in general more nervous around someone who you have a crush on versus someone who you might have a squish on or really want to be friends with?
KAYLA: Do I make you nervous?
DEAN: I would say...
SARAH: That wasn't my question.
DEAN: I would say when you do have some sort of romantic attraction, you're more aware of the things that you say and you're constantly afraid of saying something stupid. Whether that's like you're texting somebody and you really don't want to sound dumb or you still want to sound cool. You'll go through, you'll type out something, then you'll delete it and you'll go over it again. I personally don't do that, but I know people who do.
KAYLA: We've crafted... Me and Sarah have crafted texts together.
DEAN: You've crafted texts?
KAYLA: I've helped Sarah text people.
DEAN: Oh, okay.
KAYLA: Haven’t we all?
SARAH: But some of them were because I was trying to not make it seem like I was...
KAYLA: To make them stop liking you. Yes.
DEAN: Well, yeah, exactly. It's like you're afraid to say something that might be the slightest bit questionable if you really like somebody.
KAYLA: Yeah, there's more pressure, I think.
DEAN: Yes, absolutely. So, if you fuck up with a friendship, things are more easily forgivable, but if you fuck up with someone that you like, they could just decide not to like you. And then that was it. And there's a lot of times not going back.
SARAH: I have a question.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: So, I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but according to… I don't know, the internet, movies, sometimes people are like friends and then they're like just straight up friends. And then suddenly they're like, wait, I think I feel something more. How do you tell how do you know when that's happening?
DEAN: I think more just kind of turns into like constant overload to an extent. So, I actually had this happen with a couple of friends recently where they knew each other for three years. And then our senior year of college, they started like getting together and like…
KAYLA: Being an item
DEAN: Pretty much dating. And, you know, whether or not one of them had feelings for the other earlier on, I have no idea. But, you know, there's things you notice and things they tell you. Like, you know, they're texting each other every minute of the day, basically. Like, they're constantly letting each other know what they're doing. And they constantly want to know what the other person is doing just out of like curiosity almost. And then just kind of this like dependence on each other. Like, they purely enjoy talking to each other. So, like, I know when we were first together, like, because me and Kayla knew each other when I was a freshman and she was a sophomore.
KAYLA: A baby.
DEAN: And I'd known her for at least two full years before we actually started dating. And we weren't close at all for the first year and a half or so.
KAYLA: I hated you. Just kidding.
DEAN: And we knew of each other and we, like, you know, we were both a part of the Quidditch team. So, we were kind of, like, we knew each other and we had talked.
KAYLA: It was like the same social circle.
DEAN: Yeah, but not really, like, that close. And then all of a sudden, we just started talking more and more. And then it became, like, we're talking every day. And then we started going on dates and...
KAYLA: Now we're married.
DEAN: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like going from, like, someone's just friend, even if you're a really close friend, to, like, being interested, I feel like the nerves is a thing again. Like, especially if it's a good friend, you're not necessarily going to be nervous to talk to them or, like, say something stupid. But then if you, like, start to have feelings for them, then you might start to get worried about stuff.
DEAN: Yeah, I think it's probably to a lesser extent, though, if, like, depending on how good of friends you already are. And I think you're less nervous about saying the wrong thing and more nervous about, like, this could really ruin our friendship or, you know, like, what if eventually I want things to go back to the way they were.
KAYLA: Sarah is not buying it.
SARAH: Well, no, okay, I am buying it. It's just, I'm also just thinking about, like, the beginning of your relationship. Here I am, your relationship counselor.
KAYLA: Here Sarah is, our third wheel.
SARAH: And, like, because, Kayla, you're still allo-romantic.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: You're not allosexual.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: And your behavior definitely changed.
KAYLA: Yes. I thought I was playing it really cool, but yes.
SARAH: You were not.
KAYLA: I wasn't. But I thought I was, but I wasn't. I thought I was being really chill and that no one knew anything.
SARAH: She was being the opposite of chill.
KAYLA: I was not chill at all.
SARAH: But, like, I mean, yeah, your behavior did change a lot, and so we knew what was going on before you really told us anything because you're not chill.
KAYLA: Well, you guys, because you guys lived with me and I wasn't chill, even though I thought I was so chill.
SARAH: So, I mean, I guess I've definitely seen that happen, so.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I don't know.
DEAN: Well, especially, yeah, because when we started dating, like, the people that I live with aren't with the Quidditch team and they aren't in the same social group that, say, Kayla or Sarah were in, so they had no idea what was going on until we, like, actually started going on dates. But it's interesting because you guys actually lived with her.
KAYLA: Yeah, and then there was all the gossip.
DEAN: The gossip.
SARAH: So much hot tea. Also, we would just, like, talk about, like, you know, Quidditch stuff going on and then all of a sudden Kayla's bringing up Dean every five seconds. That's a change of pace.
KAYLA: Whoops. I'm so chill. I'm very chill. Did you know how chill I am? Anyway, okay. This one I feel like is kind of related. So, what's the difference then between being someone, like, a friend with benefits but exclusive? Like, this is the only person you're friends with benefitsing. What's the difference between that and a romantic relationship that also includes sex?
SARAH: Wait, can I answer that question before he does?
KAYLA: I would love nothing, absolutely nothing more than for that to happen.
SARAH: The answer is that one of them is a trope where you're like, Oh, we're just friends with benefits but you're not really just friends. You're just not admitting that you're not friends with benefits. Like, you're really dating and you just won't admit that you're really into each other.
KAYLA: Like the movie Friends with Benefits.
SARAH: Obviously. I don't know what you're talking about. Here's your answer.
KAYLA: So, exclusive friends with benefits, you don't think that really exists? You think it's a front?
SARAH: Well, here's the thing. I think that, like, I guess I've never really heard it described as exclusive friends with benefits. I think that friends with benefits can happen. But if you're to the point where you're calling it exclusive friends with benefits, there's something else going on there.
DEAN: Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with Sarah here. It's kind of bullshit.
KAYLA: Yeah, I feel like every time I've heard of someone being in a serious friends with benefits, it always ends up in them dating. It's like, oh, how'd you start dating this person? And they're like, well, we were friends with benefits. Like, it never...
SARAH: I was fucking them.
KAYLA: Yes.
DEAN: Yeah
SARAH: And then I decided I wanted to hold their hand.
KAYLA: You know what's funny is what I heard from someone once was like, and then we started cuddling after. And that's when they knew. I hate people.
DEAN: I would say from my experience and from watching other people, a lot of the times people who are doing or in a friends with benefits relationship aren't really on the same page.
KAYLA: Yeah.
[00:20:00]
DEAN: And so, one of them gets hurt a lot.
KAYLA: Got a DTR.
DEAN: Yeah
SARAH: I'm going to bring it back to an episode a long, long time ago. Communication is key. Hydration is key. Guac is actually no longer extra.
KAYLA: Only on some days. Sometimes it's extra unless guac mode is activated, I recently learned.
SARAH: Guac mode activated. Okay.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's only free on certain days.
SARAH: Okay. Guac days.
KAYLA: Yes.
DEAN: Yeah. I would say one of, like, almost the majority of the time people go into a friends with benefits relationship because that's their, like, only resort. Like, especially because one of the people in the relationship or...
KAYLA: Situation-ship.
DEAN: Yeah, whoever it is. One of them is always at least more interested or interested in being in a romantic relationship, but the other person doesn't or is afraid of what will happen if that does. So, they'll, like, settle almost for friends with benefits, but really, you know, when... I think, I don’t know who invented friends with benefits but people always tend to describe it as this…
KAYLA: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis
DEAN: Oh, yes.
SARAH: Also, Ashton Kutcher and whoever…
KAYLA: Also, Ashton Kutcher and whoever that lady is, yeah.
SARAH: In the movie No Strings Attached
DEAN: Like people try to describe it as this like mutual thing where people are just fucking each other and nothing else like that’s all that comes out of it, and that happens to an extent, but I would say I have seen the other case where someone is romantically interested and they are just not willing to commit both ways is a lot more common
SARAH: Another reason that you might be exclusively friends with the benefitsing is because one of you is the first son of the United States and one of you is the Prince of England. Well, the Prince of Wales, technically. And the Prince of Wales is simply not out. And his grandma, the Queen, does... that's a big no-no. And so, he's like... he knows he can't have... but I'm giving you the plot of Red, White and Royal Blue.
KAYLA: Yeah, that was a lot. And I was imagining it as our current first son and Prince of Wales.
SARAH: Baron?
KAYLA: Yeah, and I didn't like it.
SARAH: Baron is a child!
KAYLA: He's not the first son.
SARAH: He is a first son.
KAYLA: I meant the oldest one, not the child.
SARAH: Is that Don Jr. or is that the other one?
KAYLA: Who fucking cares? Anyway. Dean?
DEAN: Yeah?
KAYLA: What does sexual attraction feel like?
DEAN: What does it feel like?
KAYLA: Yes, that. And the person, I remember this question, I don't remember who tweeted it, but they specifically said don't use flowery language and euphemisms, because that doesn't help. Be specific, Dean. God damn it.
DEAN: Okay, what does it feel like?
KAYLA: Yeah.
DEAN: It's kind of like...
KAYLA: Good
DEAN: This is tough.
KAYLA: I don't have an answer for this either.
DEAN: It's like a separate emotion, almost. Like, you don't experience it like you experience anything else. It's kind of like... I think the term that they use in the Bible is like, lust.
KAYLA: The Bible?
DEAN: I'm just like...
KAYLA: Okay.
DEAN: I don't know why that was the first thing they came up with.
KAYLA: That's right, we're a Bible podcast now.
DEAN: Because it's like lust, it's like a strong desire for sexual interaction in a way, based on how you perceive that person to either look or behave that makes you think about them in a sexual way. So, like…
SARAH: I kind of buy that because it's like it's just a separate compartment of a person that I just don't have that compartment. So, I can't really understand what that compartment is like because I don't have that compartment.
KAYLA: Yeah, I feel like it's also hard to describe a physical feeling because that's like trying to describe a physical feeling that goes with happiness or whatever. I think there often times can be. I think I saw someone explaining it. I don't know if they were trying to explain sexual attraction or if they were talking about a different question, but they were explaining like a tightness in the chest and like your heart races or whatever, which I think… I guess can be true of some cases.
DEAN: Yeah. And a lot of it is matter of circumstance too.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah, I think the thing with the person asking for concrete, like I don't want flowery metaphors, I think the problem is that there is no way to necessarily explain it in a concrete way. And I can understand from this person's perspective, being like these flowery metaphors don't make sense to me because I haven't experienced it. But if you think about, if you're trying to describe sadness or you're trying to describe happiness and the person you were trying to describe them to had never felt sadness or happiness before, and you were trying to explain it in a way that was concrete and didn't include metaphors, you probably wouldn't be able to do it.
KAYLA: Yeah, I was just thinking about if you could pick a color that would go with it, but that's super just a metaphor.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Uh, Dean?
DEAN: Yes?
KAYLA: What do you actually do in a romantic and or sexual relationship?
DEAN: Uh...
SARAH: Have a good time.
KAYLA: Are we romantic and sexual? Or like one is sexual, one is...
SARAH: And or.
DEAN: What do I do?
KAYLA: What do you do if you're in a romantic or and... what do you do? How do you fill that time? What's happening? What are we goddamn doing all the time?
DEAN: Um... you know.
KAYLA: No. We watch Game of Thrones.
SARAH: What are you talking about all the time?
DEAN: So...
KAYLA: Yeah, what do we talk about all the damn time, Dean?
DEAN: I mean, really, you know, it comes down to, like, you're constantly spending time with each other, first of all. But it's more than just, like, two friends, like...
KAYLA: Sitting in a hot tub.
DEAN: Yes, of course.
SARAH: Six feet apart for the coronavirus precautions.
KAYLA: Yeah, they were ahead of their time.
DEAN: Like, people who are sexually attracted to each other and they're in that sort of relationship typically will have sex, of course. Well, I mean, there's varying degrees of it, but a lot of time it's expressing, I guess, that sexual desire that they have for each other or if it's romantic. Yes, I know...
KAYLA: I don't like this conversation.
DEAN: Yeah, I was told not to use colorful metaphors, remember?
SARAH: Kayla, you think you're having a bad time?
KAYLA: Everyone listening to this is currently having a bad time.
SARAH: But they're learning.
KAYLA: But they're learning, it's fine. Keep going.
DEAN: Romantically, it's more just like...
KAYLA: Holding a hand.
DEAN: Yeah, it's kind of stupid stuff that people just do when they like someone for some reason. They do it because it makes them feel good in a sense.
KAYLA: Yeah, Dean almost killed me with a four-wheeler today. That's what we did today in our romantic relationship.
DEAN: That's love right there.
KAYLA: The other day we watched a bunch of people get murdered on TV, and then I cried in the closet and Dean hugged me. I mean, I guess we can just start telling you what we do in our romantic sexual relationship.
SARAH: Can I almost kill you with a four-wheeler? I'd like to.
KAYLA: I would not. No, because we're not dating, Sarah. That's something that only people that are dating can do. I'm sorry.
SARAH: God damn it
KAYLA: Not for you. I made Dean watch Project Runway with me yesterday.
SARAH: That's fun.
KAYLA: That's something we also did in our romantic relationship.
SARAH: Speaking of ace people, Tim Gunn.
KAYLA: Tim Gunn! Tim Gunn is ace. Did you know that?
DEAN: I didn't know that.
KAYLA: It's true.
DEAN: Good. I’m glad
KAYLA: Uh, Dean? Uh, mm-hmm.
SARAH: I have a question for Dean. Why is my room so warm?
DEAN: Um.
SARAH: I'm feeling warm.
DEAN: Are you, like, radiating heat or something?
SARAH: No, and I can't open my window, because this is a podcast.
DEAN: Is this a… is this a you're from California, solve my problem type thing?
SARAH: Uh, no, it's just, uh, I've been feeling warm and it's been bothering me.
DEAN: I don't wear less clothes.
SARAH: And Kayla clearly can't think of a question to ask you.
KAYLA: I have a list, I was just deciding which one. Uh, Dean, what is romantic/sexual chemistry and what does it feel like? And this is all, you can answer these separately, but these all came together and that's not my fault.
SARAH: When a woman loves the FBI very much, we've been through this.
KAYLA: And what does it feel like when you've been flirting with a person and then they flirt back and the tension is at its peak? And I'd like to say that wasn't my wording. Because I wouldn't have written that and I'm not trying to hate on that person, but I do want everyone to know that I would not use the word tension because it weirds me out.
DEAN: Um, when was the first one again? You were talking a lot.
KAYLA: Dean, what is romantic and or sexual chemistry? What is that?
[00:30:00]
DEAN: Oh, it's kind of like an emotional or physical like bond you have. Like for me personally, I feel like it happens with like conversation and I'd imagine it's the same way with a lot of people where like someone that you have chemistry with, you can basically you can talk to them for however long and the conversation is not going to end. Like you're just going to keep going or rambling off into different conversations or different topics and then physically, I'd say that comes down to sex.
KAYLA: Yeah, probably.
SARAH: I was just thinking, it's like your bodies are having a conversation. And then I hated that so much.
KAYLA: That is definitely a line from some porn.
SARAH: That I had to like, turtle into what I'm wearing, even though I'm too warm right now.
KAYLA: That's that was that's a pretty vile statement.
SARAH: I was like, “Oh, no.”
KAYLA: Yeah, I feel like it's just like, if you can flirt good with each other, because I feel like there's definitely people that have like different styles of speaking or different styles of like expressing their affection.
DEAN: And sometimes, you know, it's how you receive that too, because a lot of people who end up falling for each other are complete opposites. I mean, me and Kayla are very different in a lot of ways.
KAYLA: No
DEAN: In some ways, we are very similar.
KAYLA: Okay. Dean doesn't like my sense of humor.
DEAN: I… okay, like, I don't hate it.
KAYLA: He doesn't like it.
DEAN: But, like, the other day she said Lil Dicky is funny, and I just, I can't.
KAYLA: I think he's funny.
DEAN: I just, I just, I don't find him funny at all.
KAYLA: Do you think Lil Nas is funny?
DEAN: I do think he's funny.
KAYLA: He's funny. He doesn't like my memes that I show him.
SARAH: That is the correct answer
DEAN: Okay.
SARAH: You show him the same memes you show me?
KAYLA: Yeah, Dean…
DEAN: Not everyone’s… Okay, the shrimp is the manager shit drives me crazy.
KAYLA: Dean doesn't get, okay, I feel like me and Sarah's sense of humor is very like Twitter sense of humor. In, like, memes and Sarah… Dean doesn't have… he's not on Twitter enough to understand.
DEAN: I like memes.
KAYLA: No.
DEAN: Just only the dank ones.
KAYLA: No, your memes are bad. Anyway, we're having a fight live on TV.
SARAH: Dean just doesn't understand memes.
KAYLA: He doesn't. It's… he doesn't. Anyway, so we're not meme, we don't have meme chemistry.
SARAH: I mean it’s true. Oh, I have a question, Dean.
DEAN: Yes
SARAH: Are you good?adequate at figuring out if people are flirting with you or not?
KAYLA: Did you know I was flirting with you, Dean?
SARAH: Everyone knew you were flirting with him, Kayla.
KAYLA: Maybe Dean didn't know, maybe he's dumb.
DEAN: I would say...
KAYLA: I thought I was being very chill.
SARAH: You were being the opposite of chill.
DEAN: It really depends. Some people have more experience with it and are more like... They can either see it quicker or they can kind of... I think for me, I can sense it more when I'm not also interested in that person. Because it's a bit more obvious. Whereas with us, it was like I was also doing it back. So…
KAYLA: Well, I think that's a good point because also if you both are interested and you're both actively trying to convey that, but especially if you're not trying to convey it outright and you're trying your best to be chill. But then also, at least for me, because I am a negative person, hello.
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: Yes, thank you.
SARAH: Wow
KAYLA: I think there's a lot more active denial of you might see the signs. And if it was another case, you'd be like, yeah, that person totally likes me. But then if you like them back and you really want to date them, then you might keep telling yourself, no, they don't.
SARAH: Well, yeah, I feel like it's definitely the case where a lot of times people on the outside are like, no, this person's definitely flirting with you. And the other person's like, no, they're not. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah, they're not. It sounds like that TikTok filter from...
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: The shrimp was the manager.
KAYLA: Yes, it was
DEAN: And part of it too, it goes back to kind of the nerves of when you're first talking to someone that we talked about earlier where like because you're nervous and you're constantly thinking, oh, I shouldn't say that, that's not cool. You're not really thinking about what the other person is... You want them to like you, but you're not... Anytime that person says anything, you're not taking it like, she's flirting with me.
KAYLA: I fucked up.
DEAN: Yeah, it's more like, oh, well, you're thinking about that a little too much. Whereas if someone is flirting with you and you aren't reciprocating, you can kind of internalize it a bit more and realize, okay, here's what's going on.
KAYLA: You kind of just overanalyze it.
DEAN: Yeah, and then some people, they just talk easier and they get along easier so they don't realize for a while that they're flirting with each other.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah, like can you tell the difference between friendly banter and flirty banter?
DEAN: Sometimes. It depends on how direct that person is. Some people will kind of talk about more explicit stuff, I guess, or they'll ask about things that a typical friend that you just met wouldn't ask. But I think once you are kind of friends already, even if the other person is… it's harder to see it almost because they can be trying to flirt with you to see it as their friendly banter.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I thought of a really good joke to make, but I hesitated too long before I said it and now it's too late.
KAYLA: Well, now you have to though.
SARAH: Well, he was like, they ask you questions that a normal friend wouldn't and I was like, oh, what street did you grow up on? What was your first car? What was your first pet? Security questions, you know, just so they can hack and steal your identity.
KAYLA: Well, that wouldn't have been good even if you said it on camera, I don't think.
SARAH: I think it would have been good.
DEAN: I'd like to let you know that I'm quietly chuckling over here.
KAYLA: Your sense of humor is bad. We've already established this.
SARAH: I've got Dean on my side.
KAYLA: Oh man.
SARAH: You're outnumbered.
KAYLA: Dean, do you know what aesthetic attraction is?
DEAN: Um, do I know what it is? Yes. Am I good at it? No.
KAYLA: What do you mean are you good at it? You can't be good at an attraction.
DEAN: Well, look at me.
KAYLA: No, not if you can aesthetically attract someone else. Okay, shut the fuck up, dude. Um, can you, the question was, can you differentiate between sexual and aesthetic attraction?
DEAN: Um, yeah, to an extent. Um, I think, um, sexual attraction, while, you know, people always associate it with what someone looks like and typical beauty standards or whatever, and while that is certainly part of it, um, sexual attraction can develop a lot based on conversation and interaction and whatever. Um, whereas aesthetic attraction is like more just kind of what someone looks like.
KAYLA: What some looks like
DEAN: Yeah, like...
KAYLA: Yeah, I feel like sexual attraction can start as looks and then go further, but aesthetic attraction just like stops there.
DEAN: Like I can see a picture of someone and say that person is attractive, but it doesn't mean I want to, you know, fuck them.
KAYLA: Yeah. I was looking aesthetic attraction up because I didn't know if you'd know what it was and I have a really hard time explaining it. And I saw a really good description that was like being aesthetically attracted to someone is like seeing a picture of them and you want to keep looking at it. Not that you just like like what they look like, but you want to just keep looking at them. And it made me have this great realization that I am much more aesthetically attracted to women than I am to men. And that's not an insult. But I've noticed that like if I'm scrolling through Instagram, like if I see a picture of like a beautiful woman, I'm much more likely to just kind of like stare at it and be like, huh? But I don't just like stare at men that way.
DEAN: Part of it, too, though, I think like the bar is just kind of higher for women, too. Like so they only post photos they're like more comfortable with. In that sense
SARAH: I texted Miranda today and I said, do you ever just think about Dan Levy's cheekbones? And she said, No. And I said, You should. And she said that she would consider it. But I needed someone who would understand. But I didn't want to ask anyone who is like in the Schitt's Creek fandom. I was like, I need someone who's on the outside of this, who needs to acknowledge that Dan Levy has great cheekbones. So, I asked my friend Derek if he ever thinks about Dan Levy's cheekbones, just something to think about. And he said, I do think about his face. And I was like, I would suggest you focus specifically on the cheekbones.
KAYLA: That's a really good advice.
SARAH: So…
DEAN: Or like
SARAH: Say no
DEAN: I think a lot of it too has to go in like what that person does, like if they're like a rock star or something or a performer, like, and they have a lot of confidence, like that goes into someone being sexually attracted to them. Like, even if they've never met them, like, I know several people in particular that are just like, would literally let Harry Styles punch them in the face if they could just because...
KAYLA: I know many people.
DEAN: Yeah, exactly. Just because that's, you know.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: It's like the persona or like the air.
DEAN: Yeah, exactly.
KAYLA: That someone has.
SARAH: I wouldn't let Harry Styles punch me in the face.
DEAN: If it meant that you could touch him?
KAYLA: Yeah, but you're asking the wrong person.
DEAN: Okay.
SARAH: Yeah, you're asking the wrong person.
DEAN: You know what I mean.
SARAH: I do love Harry Styles and I do find him very aesthetically pleasing, but I wouldn't necessarily want him to punch me in the face.
KAYLA: I feel like Harry Styles is a person I find very aesthetically attractive, but I didn't before and I wonder if it's because his style is more androgynous now.
SARAH: Hm.
KAYLA: Read like more feminine, which is what I care about looking at apparently.
SARAH: Yeah
DEAN: Yeah, I mean, the way it started out, too, he was super young.
KAYLA: Well, yeah.
DEAN: He was in a boy band.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I liked him then and I like him now.
KAYLA: We get it, Sarah, you're a hipster.
SARAH: Oh, are you saying I'm a hipster because I like One Direction?
KAYLA: I liked Harry Styles when he was like really underground, like he might not have known you yet.
SARAH: He was never underground! He was burst, he was thrown into starhood at the age of 16.
KAYLA: If you say so.
SARAH: He was quite young. He was 16.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: Anyway, Dean, what criteria do you have that makes you say yes to going on a date with someone?
SARAH: Are they Harry Styles? Do they have Dan Levy level cheekbones?
KAYLA: Okay, I don't like the second one as much.
SARAH: Alternative, do they have Saoirse Ronan level cheekbones?
KAYLA: Oh, that's interesting.
SARAH: Also, acceptable.
KAYLA: That one is interesting.
SARAH: Are they Hayley Atwell? Are they Diego Luna?
KAYLA: That's one of Evan's favorite Hayley's lists.
DEAN: Does he love his Hayley's?
KAYLA: Evan has a list of which Hayley he likes best. It's a lot.
DEAN: Who's at the top?
KAYLA: I think it's Hayley Atwood.
DEAN: Really?
SARAH: I don't remember.
KAYLA: It's a lot.
SARAH: No, Hayley... Fuck. She was in Pitch Perfect 2.
KAYLA: Is that not Hayley Atwood?
SARAH: No, no, no, that's not Hayley Atwood.
KAYLA: Oh, but yeah, the one you're talking about is his favorite Hayley.
SARAH: Hayley Atwell plays Peggy in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
KAYLA: I see.
SARAH: We're thinking of Hayley... Fuck, what is her name?
KAYLA: I bet you could text Evan and he would know.
SARAH: Edge of Seventeen.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah.
SARAH: She was in that movie, too.
KAYLA: I'll look it up.
SARAH: I'm doing it right now. I'm doing it.
KAYLA: I don't know if I have a favorite Hayley.
SARAH: Hayley Steinfeld.
KAYLA: Yes. That's Evan's favorite Hayley, I think.
DEAN: I like Hayley Williams a lot.
KAYLA: Which one is that?
SARAH: Hayley Williams is from Paramore.
DEAN: Yeah
KAYLA: Oh, okay. That's a good one.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: This is a good conversation.
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: What's your criteria, Dean?
SARAH: Hayley Kiyoko is also good.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
DEAN: That is true. Um, okay. Criteria for a date.
KAYLA: What makes you say yes? What does someone have that makes you say yes? And what is someone lacking that you're like, no, I don't want to go out with you? Because you don't have this.
DEAN: Um, really it's a matter of like, if you find that person interesting, um, for me at least, uh, like, you know, I meet certain people and they think I'm interesting, and then I meet other people, and they think I'm the most, I'm getting there. I meet other people and they think I'm the most boring person in the world.
KAYLA: Yeah.
DEAN: Because that's just how it works for everyone. Some people you mess with more than others. So, it has to be someone that you're like, you're curious as to spending more time with this person, you know, how it would go. And also, some sort of romantic interest. Not necessarily like, developed feelings yet, but like, something along the lines of, because, you know, if someone asks you on a date, they're, it depends on the circumstance, but I'd say more times than not, they're implying that it's some sort of romantic date. And also, it depends what you're doing with each other. Um, what is that look?
KAYLA: What are you doing with each other?
DEAN: Well, I'm saying like, if you take them out to go to dinner, or if, you know, it really depends on how they bring it up and how it's perceived as a date. Um, so I would say there has to be some sort of romantic interest. And a lot of it is, you know, putting yourself out there and like, not being afraid.
KAYLA: Gross.
SARAH: Would you take like a log, just like a log out on a date?
DEAN: Why do I? What?
SARAH: See, this is Dean not getting our sense of humor.
KAYLA: Yeah, this is why Dean isn't. This is why Dean isn't. Sarah, you might be winning in the battle for my affection.
SARAH: Yes!
DEAN: Would you like an answer?
SARAH: Oh, whatever makes you happy.
DEAN: Well, there was once I walked around a full day with... Did you ever watch Ed, Edd, and Eddy?
KAYLA: Uh, no.
DEAN: There's one of the characters has a plank.
KAYLA: Yeah, I know that.
DEAN: Yeah, with like a face drawn on it, and my brother had one of them. She just had like a carbon copy of him, so I carried him around for a day.
KAYLA: How old were you?
SARAH: Uh, like 18.
KAYLA: What the fuck? I thought you were going to be like 5.
DEAN: No, I went to the... I went to a parade in San Francisco. I think it was the Gay Pride Parade.
KAYLA: You went to a Gay Pride Parade with a plank of wood? That's offensive.
SARAH: What?
DEAN: And people asked me to take pictures.
KAYLA: That's offensive.
DEAN: How is that offensive?
SARAH: I'm sorry. What?
KAYLA: I take offense to all of this.
SARAH: There's so much going on.
KAYLA: There's a lot to unpack there. Maybe a whole other episode just on that.
DEAN: I was on a date.
KAYLA: You were on a date at the Gay Pride Parade?
DEAN: With plank.
KAYLA: Oh my god, fuck off.
SARAH: Wait, how old was your brother?
KAYLA: Like what? 20-something?
DEAN: I don't know why he had it…
SARAH: Isn't your brother older than you?
KAYLA: Yes.
DEAN: It wasn't even... So, I have one brother that's two years older than me and another who's six years older than me.
KAYLA: Which one was it?
DEAN: It was the oldest one.
KAYLA: No!
DEAN: No, it had to be.
KAYLA: He's like 30
DEAN: Or it was my sister who's eight years older than me.
KAYLA: She's like 40!
DEAN: No, okay.
KAYLA: Slander.
SARAH: Oh my god. Wow, this has really gone off the rails.
KAYLA: I have a last question.
DEAN: Yes.
KAYLA: How old were you when you had your first romance feeling? Or your first sex feeling?
DEAN: How old was I?
KAYLA: Yeah.
DEAN: Like my first crush or something?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I don't like you calling it a sex feeling.
DEAN: Yeah, it's not...
KAYLA: Well then you can just leave the call!
DEAN: Okay. I guess it kind of depends. Like, how I would define a crush now is a lot different than how I would when I was in elementary school.
KAYLA: You had a crush in elementary school?
DEAN: Based on an elementary school kid's standard, I probably did.
KAYLA: I didn't even have that.
DEAN: At that point though, you know, elementary school, there's a bunch of kids and so you're like scared of hitting it.
KAYLA: Did you have like an elementary school girlfriend?
DEAN: No.
KAYLA: Okay. That always wears me out when people have that.
DEAN: I think I technically did in middle school, but like...
KAYLA: Gross
DEAN: Like if I look back on it from now, I'm like, that wasn't a real relationship.
KAYLA: But at the time it was.
DEAN: Yeah, you know, when you're in seventh grade you're like, yeah, I have a girlfriend.
KAYLA: Yeah, we're going to hold hands in the hallway.
DEAN: Yeah, we're going to hold hands in the hallway and text and never actually hang out with each other.
KAYLA: You're so cool.
DEAN: Look...
KAYLA: Player.
SARAH: I'm going to put a heart next to their name in my phone. But like, old school, because this was pre-emoji, so... Classic. Less than sign, numeral three.
KAYLA: Yes, very good.
DEAN: What was the other question?
KAYLA: When you had your first sex feeling?
DEAN: Like first time feeling sexually attracted to someone?
KAYLA: Sure.
DEAN: Probably sometime in high school.
KAYLA: That makes sense.
DEAN: I mean...
SARAH: Like, how early in high school?
KAYLA: Tell us all about your sex life, Dean.
SARAH: No, this is really interesting to me because like, for me, I can be like, okay, you're like a junior or senior in high school, you're like 16, 17, like, okay, I get it. But younger than that, I'm just like, you're a child.
KAYLA: Yeah, 13-year-olds having sex really freaks me out. It makes me scared.
DEAN: I was definitely older than 13.
KAYLA: That's good.
DEAN: I mean, as far as just like vanilla just like kissing.
KAYLA: That's not sex.
DEAN: Yeah, that's not. And I didn't do anything past that until like, my junior year of high school, sophomore year of high school.
KAYLA: Wow, that's so cool.
DEAN: What? What is that?
SARAH: You brought him on this pod, Kayla.
KAYLA: I know, but I like to make him angry. I know. Sarah, do you have any last questions for Dean?
SARAH: What's wrong with allos? Like, why are they like that?
KAYLA: Why do you do that? Why do you do that all the time?
DEAN: How am I supposed to answer that? What's wrong with ace people?
KAYLA: Hey, whoa!
DEAN: You just asked that to me. What? We're fine.
KAYLA: Confrontational.
DEAN: We just...
KAYLA: We're fine. We're doing fine. Dean, what is it like dating someone that's on the ace spectrum? What's it like dating me, Dean? Am I so great?
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: I feel like dating Kayla would probably be like really annoying.
KAYLA: Probably. I would imagine so.
DEAN: There are times when it's very annoying. Like when she wakes up before me, it's very annoying.
KAYLA: You mean every day?
[00:50:00]
SARAH: Oh, I can imagine.
DEAN: Yeah. Now she doesn't do it anymore, but she used to like poke me and shit when I was sleeping.
KAYLA: I'm bored.
SARAH: It seems like something she would do. I feel like she would just like attack you with like a stick or something to wake you up.
DEAN: A stick.
KAYLA: I get bored.
SARAH: Maybe a log or a plank.
KAYLA: A plank.
DEAN: Okay. Your question. Yeah. I would say for us, it wasn't that difficult or anything because our relationship kind of developed pretty naturally to the point, like I didn't try anything before we were dating because I never felt the need to. So, in a sense, I don't know if, you know, obviously I think you're very pretty.
KAYLA: Thank you.
DEAN: But I wasn't like super sexually attracted or anything.
KAYLA: Wow, wow
DEAN: I wasn't like looking into it, I guess.
KAYLA: Wow.
DEAN: And we weren't talking. We weren't very close.
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: Can I ask you a question that you're not obligated to answer?
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: But like before you and Kayla started dating, before you were like a thing, how much did you know about her being Demi?
KAYLA: That's a good question.
DEAN: Not really at all, honestly, until like maybe a few weeks before.
KAYLA: So, it was before though.
DEAN: Well, like I, you know, I was barely paying attention.
KAYLA: No same.
DEAN: Before we really started talking.
KAYLA: No same.
DEAN: Yeah, exactly.
KAYLA: I wasn't paying attention to you.
DEAN: So, I didn't even know the podcast was a thing until like a couple of weeks before we went on our first date. So, I really did not know. And at that point we were like talking a lot and really into each other to the point where I don't know if, I mean, you can speak to it, but I don't know if it mattered as much at that point.
KAYLA: I mean, it freaked me out because I didn't know if you knew. And something that I've had a lot of anxiety about in past relationships or situations is other people's expectations. So, I think I was, I always, in the past I've gotten very nervous about like, I don't know if this person knows I'm Demi, I don't know if they know what that means, are they going to expect me to hook up with them before I'm ready? Are they going to go into it the expectation of like, oh yeah, we're college kids, of course we're just going to have sex whenever.
SARAH: Nothing like a good puke over someone else's expectations.
KAYLA: Happens so often. I didn't puke over our relationship though, which was a milestone.
SARAH: That was a big deal. No.
KAYLA: It was a big deal at the time.
SARAH: Congratulations, Dean.
DEAN: Although you did puke the next morning once.
KAYLA: From drinking though.
DEAN: Yeah, but...
KAYLA: Not exactly. It's different. It was a big thing and you should be excited. But yeah, obviously it's not like you... Like you said, you didn't try anything so I didn't feel pressured, which helped a lot. Because you never gave me an indication of, like, I'm trying to fuck.
DEAN: Yeah
KAYLA: And so, it never freaked me out.
DEAN: I mean, it wasn't like... You know, I met Kayla when I was a freshman. I said this before. It's not like I had some two-and-a-half-year plan, or did I?
KAYLA: Oh!
DEAN: Like, I genuinely... I knew of you and, you know, we were like, acquaintanced.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I feel like for a while I definitely knew you better than Kayla did.
KAYLA: Oh, for sure.
DEAN: Probably, yeah.
KAYLA: Definitely.
SARAH: Because we played the same position on the Quidditch team. So, we interacted.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, you guys saw each other a lot more. Like, I never saw Dean. You saw Dean at least, like, what, twice a week?
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. And sometimes Dean accidentally tackled me way too hard.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know, it's fine.
DEAN: Always accidentally, though. And most of the time I didn't even tackle her. I just kind of, like, pushed her and she kind of fell. But...
SARAH: Yeah.
DEAN: It wasn't, like...
SARAH: I'm pretty small.
DEAN: It's...
KAYLA: She's small.
SARAH: I'm a small woman.
DEAN: Okay, but you should see some of the players on the team now, though. Like, I was, like, afraid that if I touched them they would, like, split in half. Like...
SARAH: Oh, boy.
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah, I've... Just jumping into this Quidditch conversation, I've had multiple times where someone much larger than me... I think you... I don't think you did this, but I know, like, when I was a freshman, someone, like, went to tackle me, realized they were tackling me way too hard, and ended up just kind of, like, catching me before I hit the ground.
KAYLA: Just, like, picking you up and setting you down.
SARAH: Yeah, just, like, gently setting me on the ground.
KAYLA: So, caring.
SARAH: Anyway. Got off track there.
KAYLA: Uh, yep.
SARAH: There's just so much to discuss with Quidditch. I'm wearing my quarter zip right now. I'm festive.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: Wow. Uh, do we have any more questions for Dean, Kayla?
KAYLA: Dean, do you have questions for us? Any thoughts? Prayers? Feelings?
DEAN: Uh... I have a lot of prayers.
KAYLA: Okay. Give us one.
DEAN: No.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Is one of them, Fuck Paul Ryan?
KAYLA: Oh, it's a fun prayer.
SARAH: Yeah. That's my prayer today. Fuck Paul Ryan
KAYLA: I like that. That's good.
DEAN: Nothing's good.
KAYLA: Nothing?
DEAN: Do I get to do a beef the week?
KAYLA: Yes, you have.
DEAN: Okay, I got to go.
KAYLA: You actually have to.
DEAN: Hold on, I have to come up with one.
KAYLA: Oh, you have time.
SARAH: You have time. Don't worry.
DEAN: Okay.
SARAH: Uh, alright, Kayla, do we want to go into the poll then?
KAYLA: Oh shit. I suppose.
SARAH: What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Uh... Do you have an idea?
SARAH: Should Kayla or Dean be a couple? No. Should Sarah or Dean win Kayla's affection?
KAYLA: Interesting. I mean, I think you know, I think the reason you want that poll is you know that you're going to win, Sarah.
SARAH: Hehehe.
DEAN: I think, I think one podcast listener followed me on Instagram.
KAYLA: It's true.
DEAN: So, maybe she'll...
KAYLA: You have one fan.
DEAN: Maybe she'll vote for me.
KAYLA: Maybe...
SARAH: I can't believe Dean has a fan.
KAYLA: What if you just get like a bunch of fans now? Should we like, promo Dean's Instagram that he never uses and never posted a picture of us from Disney on?
SARAH: Wow, you don't sound like you've heard about that at all.
DEAN: To be fair though, I was going to post one and then she posted it.
KAYLA: I posted it as the second picture, not the first one deliberately and we had this conversation.
DEAN: Okay, but that's...
KAYLA: If you're wondering what you do in romantic relationships, it's this. This is what you do.
SARAH: Oh man. Now I'm looking at your Instagram, Dean.
KAYLA: There's nothing on there.
SARAH: You don't post very often.
KAYLA: Nothing.
DEAN: No
SARAH: Oh wow, there's this picture of you as a child on Santa's lap.
KAYLA: They're so good.
DEAN: With my brother, yeah
KAYLA: If you scroll back, there's a good tiny, tiny Dean.
SARAH: Yeah, with your brother when he started in Michigan. Oh my god.
KAYLA: There's some infant Dean on there.
SARAH: There's a dog. I like this one. It's a screenshot of a really old Instagram post of someone else's.
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: But you can tell that it's really, really old.
DEAN: Those posts are from like 2012.
KAYLA: Oh, the old ones are very good. There's one, I'm assuming this is, yeah, this is prom. You look like an infant. I don't know who let you go to prom when you're that small. It's very good stuff.
SARAH: Was your prom at a baseball field?
KAYLA: Yeah, he's from fancy California and got to have it in the big baseball field.
DEAN: I mean, our tickets were super expensive though.
KAYLA: In California.
SARAH: In this picture, you look like Ed Sheeran. Like as a child.
DEAN: Which one?
SARAH: Like, it's the one from March 12, 2015. The caption is killing it since 2011. Hashtag TBT, hashtag Miley looks the exact same, hashtag squad, hashtag 7 period funday.
DEAN: Oh my God, no…
SARAH: And you look like Ed Sheeran looked when he was a child. Just so you know.
KAYLA: Your picture qualities are so bad. This is so fuzzy.
DEAN: This is from 2015.
KAYLA: I'm going to stalk his ex.
DEAN: That's not my ex.
KAYLA: Well, she was your number one.
SARAH: This has really just derailed in so many ways.
DEAN: I haven't talked to that person in like years.
KAYLA: That's upsetting because she was your number one.
SARAH: Anyway, Dean, do you want to blast your Instagram to everyone? Because they're going to find you regardless.
DEAN: I'm pretty sure I'm private.
KAYLA: He is
SARAH: Fucking rip.
DEAN: I mean, I will take the follows though at this point.
KAYLA: Will you post more if people follow you?
SARAH: We did just give a fun little description of your Instagram.
DEAN: I mean, you guys have almost 2,000 followers, right?
KAYLA: On Twitter, yeah.
DEAN: I mean, I got to help out my ratio a little bit.
KAYLA: Yeah, your ratio's kind of ass.
DEAN: Yeah, you know.
KAYLA: Okay, follow Dean.
DEAN: Look at my face. Does this look like a good Instagram ratio face?
KAYLA: What?
DEAN: I don't have like a like bar or anything.
SARAH: Yes! I can't look at your face right now because this is an audio medium. But every face is an Instagram face, bitch.
KAYLA: Follow Dean at DJScattini on Instagram. Shouts out.
SARAH: QuarantineScatine.
DEAN: For the record, I want to put this out there because I've had questions about it in the past. My middle name starts with a J, so that is why I'm DJScattini. I'm not trying to be cool.
KAYLA: He does DJ on the weekends, though.
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. We never came up with a poll, Kayla.
KAYLA: What the fuck is our poll?
SARAH: The poll is, why are allo people like that?
KAYLA: I don't know if that's going to breed a lot of great answers. Maybe we should do another cow race. It has been a while.
SARAH: Okay. Can we do like a cow versus a cow versus a cow versus a dinosaur?
KAYLA: Sure.
[01:00:00]
SARAH: I just dropped my Purell. Um, okay. I'm sitting in a weird way because I'm not straight and it led to me dropping Purell. So...
KAYLA: I understand.
SARAH: Um, Kayla and Dean, what are your beefs and juice?
KAYLA: Do you want to go first? Do you want me to go first?
DEAN: You can go ahead.
KAYLA: Uh, okay. My beef is that, like I said, my cat is being very bad this week. I thought, and I've seen like videos of cats being like very upset with their owners that they're home so much. And that they like don't want them there. But my cat is now like even needier and wants more attention and has been really fucking shit up.
SARAH: What a mood.
KAYLA: And it's like very sweet of her to want so much attention and to like me, but like she's got to stop. Um, my juice is Animal Crossing, I've been playing a lot. Dean has been laughing at me about it. I played with some listeners though. It was very fun. It's a good time.
SARAH: Wonderful. Dean, what's your beef and your juice?
DEAN: Um, what's juice?
KAYLA: Juice is good.
DEAN: Juice is good. Okay.
KAYLA: God, he doesn't even know the podcast lore.
DEAN: Can I do a beef from last week?
KAYLA: You can do whatever you want.
DEAN: Okay. Uh, so if you guys didn't know, I'm currently studying computer science.
KAYLA: I don’t think they would know that
DEAN: And last week Donald Trump made a public address to the nation and he said that Google is working on a website. It's going to go… something like it's going to go very fast on like websites of the past.
KAYLA: Oh my God. Yeah, he did. It was so funny.
DEAN: It was the stupidest quote. I mean he says a lot of stupid things, but yeah, that's my beef because…
KAYLA: He said that?
DEAN: He just shit on all web developers, man.
KAYLA: It was funny.
DEAN: It was funny because it was so stupid.
KAYLA: But also, it was false. Google was not developing a website. Like that whole, he was wrong.
SARAH: I also couldn't tell if that was meant to be like a low-key dig at the Obamacare website or if he was just saying that.
KAYLA: Oh, I didn't even think about that. No, I think he's too dumb to make a dig with that.
SARAH: It wasn't obvious enough, you know? Like it's, there's something, it was weird.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't think he's smart enough to come up with that.
DEAN: I refuse to believe that because that makes him sound very clever and well thought out.
KAYLA: Which he's not.
DEAN: I'd like to think he's not at least.
KAYLA: Yeah. What's your juice?
DEAN: Uh, my juice. Well, it was my puzzles until your fucking cat destroyed it.
KAYLA: You can redo it. She didn't destroy the whole thing. Dean has gotten really into puzzles.
DEAN: I'm just kidding. I love Billie and Billie loves me
SARAH: I hate puzzles.
DEAN: But I did a puzzle, or I was doing a puzzle the last couple days and it is…
KAYLA: It's partially…
DEAN: Yeah, progress has not gotten that well, but you know, it's a thousand pieces. And now it's, I probably had like 400 of them together or so. And now I have like 200.
KAYLA: I don't know if it was that bad.
SARAH: It sounds like my nightmare.
DEAN: It was pretty bad. She destroyed like the top half of it.
KAYLA: But it was my dad's fault.
DEAN: It was your dad's fault?
KAYLA: Yeah, because my dad put a toy, one of her toys on the table with the puzzle. And then she started playing with it.
DEAN: It's laid out across the entire table.
KAYLA: Yes.
DEAN: Thank you dad
SARAH: Anyway, my beef, I have a lot of beef that I could get very riled up about…
KAYLA: But you’re not allowed to
SARAH: But I'm not allowed to. So, I'm doing a petty beef and that petty beef is, so I bought a big thing of romaine lettuce to eat salads because I'm at my house and I got to eat something. But I thought I had more Caesar dressing left than I did. And so now I'm out of dressing and I have a large quantity of romaine lettuce that is going to go bad.
KAYLA: That is upsetting.
SARAH: Should I go to the store to get… I don't want to go to the store just to get Caesar dressing.
KAYLA: I was going to say someone should send it to you but that would mean that they also have to go to the store.
SARAH: Yeah. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow just in the morning I might just take a walk to my nearest grocery store because I could walk there for like a nice morning walk and just like not touch anything.
KAYLA: That’s interesting
SARAH: And buy some dressing.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then walk home. I had to buy butter at the gas station the other day.
KAYLA: That's upsetting.
DEAN: You had to buy butter?
SARAH: The grocery store near me just straight up had none. They had unsalted butter but who wants to eat that bullshit?
KAYLA: Who wants that?
SARAH: Yeah, and I was like genuinely out of butter.
KAYLA: That's upsetting.
DEAN: Oh, you know what?
SARAH: Anyway.
DEAN: You should ask the fans what dip you should get next after you finally finish.
KAYLA: I did
DEAN: So, for context, Kayla has been eating out of the same carton of spinach and artichoke dip for the last like week.
KAYLA: Sarah knows. She has seen it.
DEAN: She has been going to town often and she's going to need a new dip sooner or later.
KAYLA: I finished...
DEAN: And I've encouraged her to eat other things at night because she's going to go through it too fast but she doesn't listen.
KAYLA: I can eat whatever I want.
DEAN: I'm just saying.
SARAH: But also...
DEAN: Like grocery stores are… they are… Shelves are very empty. You might not get another opportunity.
SARAH: You cannot convince Kayla to eat a dip other than spinach and artichoke.
KAYLA: I like other dips. I like broccoli cheese dip. I like buffalo chicken dip. I like ranch dip.
DEAN: She doesn't even change it up though. Like she doesn't even like throw it in the microwave or something or like... Because we can all agree that a spinach and artichoke dip is very good.
KAYLA: I don't want you on my podcast anymore.
SARAH: I can't agree because I've never had spinach and artichoke dip because I don't like spinach and I've never had artichoke and also I don't like dips.
DEAN: Well... Okay, fine.
SARAH: So, jot that down, Dean.
DEAN: You could have that as a poll. Be like, what number we have? Why not?
KAYLA: Because I don't like you.
DEAN: You don't like me?
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Interesting. I never said a juice. I didn't write down a juice. My juice is Halsey's most recent album. I've been listening to it for a while now but… Also, last week I meant to say that my Joos was Lady Gaga's new song Stupid Love, but I forgot to say it, so, that’s my juice
KAYLA: I have another Beef I just remembered. And it's that I was bending down to get Billie's container of food and my brain didn't see that there was a chair in front of me. So, I hit my face right into the top of it and it pushed up on my nose like you're supposed to do when you try to break someone's nose. And so I thought I had broke my nose, but I didn't. It's fine, but my nose still does hurt.
SARAH: See, that's why I wouldn't let Harry Styles punch me in the face. It's because I'm just too concerned about breaking my nose. As you know, Kayla, I don't like my nose to begin with, so we don't want to make it worse.
KAYLA: But maybe it would make it better in your eyes.
SARAH: I don't think it would. I just don't think it would.
KAYLA: Much to think about.
SARAH: And that's why Harry Styles can't punch me in the face. That is the only reason he can't.
KAYLA: I see.
SARAH: There are no other hurdles. I mean, well that plus coronavirus precautions.
KAYLA: Sure, sure.
SARAH: But other than that, there's no other barrier to him punching me in the face, because he offers to do that to me often.
DEAN: I stubbed my toe today, and Kayla said, so what? I stubbed my face.
KAYLA: No, I didn't say so what. I said, I stubbed my face yesterday. We're having such a good time.
DEAN: I'm sorry.
SARAH: I didn't stub anything recently.
DEAN: I'm misrepresentative.
SARAH: Thank you for your support in this trying time.
KAYLA: Let's wrap it up.
SARAH: This has gotten long.
KAYLA: Let’s get rid of it. This is going to be our longest episode yet.
SARAH: I don't think it'll be our longest, but it's up there. @SoundsFakePod everywhere, @DJScattini on Instagram if you want to…
KAYLA: We'll plug it. We'll plug it.
SARAH: Request to follow Dean and see that picture of him as a child where he looks like Ed Sheeran as a child. We have some new patrons, don't we?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Who are they?
KAYLA: Let me try to find them.
SARAH: Patreon.com/SoundsFakePod, give us your money and we'll say your name.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Square trade.
KAYLA: Okay. I can't. So, they're all two dollar people so I can just do them.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: So, we have Brianna or Brianna Meeks. I don't know.
SARAH: That name is very familiar to me.
KAYLA: I don't know which it is and I once knew a girl in elementary school. They got really mad when you pronounced whichever way she said Brianna wrong, so
SARAH: I feel like the more common way is Brianna in my experience.
KAYLA: I just don't know anymore.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: So, thank you Brianna or Brianna. Glenn Seiler.
SARAH: How do you…
KAYLA: S-E-I-L-E-R.
SARAH: S-E-I-L-E-R, Glenn Seiler?
KAYLA: I don't know. But thanks Glenn. And then Sophie, who I think is the same Sophie who I played Animal Crossing with. And had a very nice ace-colored dress.
SARAH: Wow
KAYLA: And is just all up in the Discord. And if that's not you, I still love you. But yay.
SARAH: We support all Sophies.
KAYLA: It's true. We're a Sophie Positive podcast.
SARAH: So, jot that down. All right. Wonderful. Thank you to our new patrons. We got some old patrons too. You want to know who they are?
KAYLA: Yeah, I'd love to. Dean, do you want to know who they are?
SARAH: Because I appreciate them just as much.
KAYLA: Me too. Do you want to know who they are?
DEAN: I would love to know who they are.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: Wow. Thank you, Dean. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Tim, BookMarvel, ChangelingMX, Derek and Karissa, Simona Simon, Jamie Jackie, Yangy, and Jessica Shea. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @dirtyunclekevin, @Tessa underscore M underscore K, Arcness who'd like to promote The Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who'd like to promote Tabletop Games. Again, a great thing to do in this social isolating time. Anonymous who'd like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who'd like to promote podcasts from a planet weird and the fact that there's a plane passing by. Stop flying places. It's coronavirus.
[01:10:00]
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Anyway, my aunt Jeannie who'd like to promote Christopher's Haven, Cassandra who'd like to promote their modeling Instagram, Liddowred, Doug Rice who'd like to promote the Parenting Forward Conference, and Maggie Capelbo who'd like to promote her dog's Instagram @minniemuffin19. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, NathanielJwhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who'd like to promote free mom hugs, Sarah Jones, but only, only safely, free mom hugs from 6 Feet away right now for the record.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Sarah Jones who is @eternallolli Everywhere, Dia Chappelle who'd like to promote the podcast The Beacon, and Dragonfly who'd like to promote washing your hands thoroughly for 20 seconds and that video that I saw on Twitter that I probably won't be able to find again where the person was wearing gloves and then instead of using soap, it was with paint
KAYLA: With the blue paint? I just watched that. I was just thinking about that.
SARAH: I saw that a couple of days ago and ever since that I've been doing a much better job of washing my hands because I now know what spots I usually miss.
KAYLA: Yeah, it was this person they had gloves on and paint and so they showed if you just wash your hands like normal how you miss a whole bunch of part of your hands and then they showed how to wash your hands so you get all the parts. Dean is an avid hand washer. I've been doing a very good job.
DEAN: I was before this all started and now it's a psych on crack.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Alright, Dean is there anything else you want to say, promote, shout into the void before we go?
DEAN: If any hiring managers are there.
KAYLA: If anyone wants to give Dean a computer science job.
SARAH: This man is about to graduate with a computer science degree, please hire him.
KAYLA: Give him a job.
DEAN: Also, my dad made it a point to show me the technique of washing your hands between your fingers. So, make sure to wash between your fingers.
SARAH: Thank you for this public health announcement.
DEAN: You're welcome guys.
SARAH: Thanks for listening. Thank you for joining us and enlightening us Dean. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then, wash your cows.
SARAH: Yeah, please.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]