Hey what's up hello! This week we talk about the weird phrases that people use to say sex without really using the word. To be honest, most of them are much worse than just saying sex.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/weird-sexual-innuendos
Black lives STILL MATTER. This isn't a trend. Please donate, sign petitions, march, do whatever you can: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
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Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! This week we talk about the weird phrases that people use to say sex without really using the word. To be honest, most of them are much worse than just saying sex.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/weird-sexual-innuendos
Black lives STILL MATTER. This isn't a trend. Please donate, sign petitions, march, do whatever you can: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey, what's up hello, welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay a podcast where an aro-ace girl I'm Sarah that's me
KAYLA: And the demi straight girl that's me Kayla
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand
KAYLA: On today's episode, sexual metaphors
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod
KAYLA: M’aambo number five, I feel like… I must have done that before
SARAH: I think you've done that
KAYLA: Wait, I have a list from Kevin
SARAH: M’acarena
KAYLA: I also… ooh, m’ankala, there's no way I've done that
SARAH: M’ontana
KAYLA: Well, don't start taking them
SARAH: M’orocco
KAYLA: Let's not be hasty
SARAH: M’iddle earth
KAYLA: Okay, well, what did I just say?
SARAH: M’organ Freeman
KAYLA: Stop, we've already done M’ontana, fuck you
SARAH: Well, I gave you several to work with, so
KAYLA: We've done M’acarena
SARAH: M’ars
KAYLA: I'm not seeing m’aambo number five, so. Anyway, I don't think I've done it before, so
SARAH: Congratulations. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week… so here's the thing…
SARAH: We started out friends, it was cool but it was all pretend
KAYLA: And then we stayed friends, because we’re aro… if you become a patron and give us $15 per month one of your perks you get to choose what episode topic is and we will do it, we will, it might just take some time
SARAH: It might take some
KAYLA: It might take literal months but it will happen and we are working on it, anyway
SARAH: So, for those… for those of you who have given us things to do that we haven't done yet we're working on it, we promise, we have not forgotten
KAYLA: I'm sorry and I did message you today and I love you, anyway. So, Andy is a new patron…
SARAH: Hi Andy
KAYLA: And gave us three suggestions but the first of which really just captured my imagination
SARAH: Really spoke to Kayla
KAYLA: Really spoke to me and I'm taking it in a different direction but I think it'll still be okay, anyway the first suggestion for a topic to do is just boats and or the concept of the inherent eroticism of the sea so I was thinking about this and I was like, interesting. So, where I took this is just because we've already done an episode about like things that people see as sexual or romantic and whether we think they are so I didn't want to do like things like is the ocean actually erotic no, first of all no, so then I was like we'll just do like metaphors because the sea I feel like narratively sometimes authors are like or in movies they like pan to a window where like drapes are wafting or they pan to the sea and it's supposed to be like oh they're panning away to this, the characters are fucking, whatever
SARAH: Moonlight, it happens in Moonlight
KAYLA: Yes, so then I was like we can look at euphemisms for sex of like what people say or like things that stand for sex and so simply all I had to do was Google that and there's lists of literally hundreds of things and some of them are terrible so I will…
SARAH: I hate it so much
KAYLA: I will give a trigger warning that there's nothing like I guess inherently explicit here but it is like… it's weird so if that's going to make you uncomfortable fair warning so we're going to start off with an article by Bustle and it's some like historical ones from the old days
SARAH: Oof, okay are we ranking them?
KAYLA: Oh yeah, I also mentioned that we should try to like rate them on like a scale of like how bad they are but…
SARAH: Which is something Kayla and I are both very bad at
KAYLA: Sarah and I are both really bad at rating things on a scale so I mean… I think you should just make up a scale and it can change thing to thing
SARAH: Okay the scale will be this is fine to I want to jump into a pit of lava
KAYLA: Okay, and you can just make up the in-betweens as you go
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: This is not objective and it's good
SARAH: What are you talking about? this podcast is always objective
KAYLA: No, that's true, this is a fact podcast, we’re journalists
SARAH: This is a fact-based factual podcast
KAYLA: Yes, so here's the first one, this one comes from the 1500s and 1600s and it is “to make the beast with two backs,” thoughts?
SARAH: I don't like that
KAYLA: I guess it's from Othello
SARAH: Why does the beast have two backs?
KAYLA: Well, because you know…
SARAH: I don't like it
KAYLA: Do you get it, though?
SARAH: I got to go, I’m busy
KAYLA: Oh, first one, first one already bad
SARAH: I would rank that as um uh makes me want to just like bury myself alive
KAYLA: That's fair, now here's one that isn't… this might be one of my least favorites and it's not because it's explicit but it's because it's very odd and it is from the 1780s and it is “making feet for children's stockings”
SARAH: I’m sorry, what?
KAYLA: Do you… so, you know like getting pregnant but like why do you have to bring kids into this?
SARAH: Well, also fucking is not necessarily… it's not necessarily going to make a person pregnant every time
KAYLA: No, I think it just makes me…
SARAH: Regardless of the genders of the people involved
KAYLA: It just makes me uncomfortable that like if some really horny fancy 1700s top hat man was like telling his bud like I’m going to go fuck this person and I’m horny but then they had bring children into it, it’s like, stop
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Leave them out of it
SARAH: I’m going to think about children while this is happening
KAYLA: Leave them out of it
SARAH: Um, I would rate that one as just um I hate it please shoot it into the sky and let it just keep going like whatever the velocity that it needs to be to shoot that out of orbit like out of the earth's atmosphere and for it to just keep going I’d like to shoot it at that velocity
KAYLA: Okay, here's one that I think is not actually that bad, and it's from the 1390s and it's “the service of Venus” because she's the god of love
SARAH: That doesn't really bother me that much
KAYLA: Yeah, that one is fine
SARAH: But it does imply that she's providing you a service which I think is kind of sexist because like it's like saying that the woman…
KAYLA: Oh, I thought it was saying that like you by having sex were serving her
SARAH: Oh, say it again
KAYLA: Just “the service of Venus”
SARAH: I think… I think if it were that it would be like the service… paying service to Venus I think because you're saying service of Venus it makes me think that it's like the service that Venus does for other people which makes it seem a lot like prostitution
KAYLA: Which is fine
SARAH: Yeah, whatever
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: That one gets no ranking
KAYLA: Okay, this one I don't get but it's “play nugga nugg.” Apparently the word nugg has been… and what it means has been lost to history but uh… I don't know
SARAH: I would rather just eat some chicken nuggets um so…
KAYLA: That's fair
SARAH: My rating of that is chicken nuggets?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm, this one is “dance the Paphian jig”
SARAH: What did the Paphian do?
KAYLA: Uh the word Paphian relates to the city of Paphos on Cyprus which was sacred to the cult of aphrodite
SARAH: Oh, that makes sense
KAYLA: I guess
SARAH: It's fine, that doesn't bother me
KAYLA: “Labor leather”
SARAH: Uh, come again
KAYLA: I want you to try to explain that one to me because it still makes no sense to be explaining…
SARAH: Labor? Leather?
KAYLA: I want you to try to tell me why that's a thing, from the 1500s and 1600s
SARAH: You have to labor to get pregnant and then you'll be in labor, the leather is the dick, that's all I’ve got, that's all I’ve got
KAYLA: According to Bustle, leather needs a lot of work to keep it smooth and well maintained so whoever thought up this one clearly had long sessions in bed on the mind, it doesn't make sense
SARAH: I’m sorry I have to… I have to walk off the face of the planet right now, I’m sorry
KAYLA: And so, you think that… wait for this one, are you ready?
SARAH: No
KAYLA: “Make butter with one's tail”
SARAH: It is the implication that the penis is a tail?
KAYLA: Yes. Yes, or your butt, I guess
SARAH: Or your butt would be on the back side of the body
KAYLA: Oh no actually this says it means your tail is your butt because if you're moving your butt in circles as if when you're churning butter in a circle
SARAH: I don't know it just sounds like they're referring to anal sex to me
KAYLA: I mean maybe
SARAH: That's what I’m hearing
KAYLA: What about “play itch buttocks.” When you're itching, when you're itching each other's butt I guess that's um hot
SARAH: No, not to get into semantics but isn't scratching the act
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And then itching is…
KAYLA: Is the feeling, yes
SARAH: Is the feeling
KAYLA: So, it should be… it should be play scratch butt
SARAH: Yes
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: Now that's hot, now if I went… now if someone came up to me and said “let's play scratch butt,” I’m ready…
SARAH: I hate it
KAYLA: I’m ready to go
SARAH: For reasons of semantics I would like to like whack that with the dictionary
KAYLA: That’s fair
SARAH: Kind of like you would with a… with a ganglion cyst
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: What a niche reference
KAYLA: That's… yes. Uh, here's… the name isn't bad but the explanation is- “Saint George”
SARAH: Okay, tell me more
KAYLA: Apparently, this is what we would now refer to as the cowgirl position because there is apparently some guy named Saint George who rode a dragon
SARAH: That's funny
KAYLA: Like why, you know like why
SARAH: I mean…
KAYLA: Like I get it because there was no cowgirls back then but like…
SARAH: Like… if it were like Saint George was like famous for fucking women I would not like that but because it's like about a dragon, I just find that funny
KAYLA: I mean it's a little ace, I guess
SARAH: Yeah, it's the acest way to have sex
KAYLA: Interesting
SARAH: Do not take that as anything listeners
KAYLA: Yeah don't, that's nothing
SARAH: Really don't
KAYLA: What about “feed the dumb glutton?”
SARAH: Now, if I wanted to feed the dumb glutton I would just put mac and cheese in my mouth and eat it
KAYLA: Now, here's what I love about, I love… I do love the thing they wrote, gluttony was one of the seven sins, so this term is actually a fairly damning 18th century euphemism for the vagina
SARAH: But also like…
KAYLA: Get fucked
SARAH: Lust is also one of the deadly sins, so like…
KAYLA: Eat with your vagina. I do want everyone that doesn't have a vagina to know that, that you don't and I do want to…
SARAH: Generally, no. Now, is the implication that the vagina is eating the penis?
KAYLA: Yes, because apparently this euphemism with the glutton is the euphemism for the vagina and you're feeding it
SARAH: I mean if the vagina just ate the penis and like you ain't got no penis anymore that would be funny
KAYLA: And I think it's called Teeth, this horror movie and the premise is that there's a vagina that literally has teeth and it eats dicks which is very good and funny and I see that…
SARAH: Does it also eat dildos or like or like live dicks only?
KAYLA: I don't know I’ve never seen it but maybe we should watch it so I feel like it's kind of ace that movie maybe
SARAH: Oh man, wow, what an experience
KAYLA: Anyway, here's a really bad one, “to haul someone's ashes.” Hey what? Hey… hey 1920s, I get you were like depressed but like…
SARAH: I don't… like I don't understand. I also just got very distracted because the way you said “Hey what?” sounded exactly like how one of our friends says that a lot and I got just so thrown off um what does it mean explain?
KAYLA: So, apparently it could mean either beating someone up or having sex with them, ashes was apparently probably used as a euphemism for the butt so it'd be like to haul someone's butt which isn't…
SARAH: I just… like I just still don't understand, I don't think my little ace brain will ever wrap its head around this
KAYLA: No, I mean that one… because I do want people to know who have never had sex that like hauling an ass doesn't really have anything to do with it, you don't really have to pick it up if you don't want to
SARAH: It's not like you're like moving it cross country
KAYLA: No, you don't have to, you don't, and that's okay here's a good one, “take a turn among the cabbage”
SARAH: Um…
KAYLA: There's no explanation for this one
SARAH: Okay, like do people often fuck in cabbage patches? like is that…
KAYLA: Well, there was… there was another one that I didn't read because it was kind of lame uh which was “to turn the dress green” meaning you would like fuck in the grass and you get grass stains on you so I don't know if it has something to do with like we're going to go hide in the cabbage garden, like cabbages are not tall enough to like hide your dirty nasty stuff
SARAH: Well, maybe it's like a euphemism in the sense that like because like to take a turnabout is like to go walk around in so like…
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Maybe people will be like I’m going to go take a turn about the cabbage patch and it was actually a way of being like meet me at the fucking cabbage patch, we're going to bang
KAYLA: No, never again, you're so lucky you didn't have to see your face when that was said, it’s too much. Uh, but like why cabbages? it could be anything else that you're walking on
SARAH: It was Benedict cabbage patch
KAYLA: He wasn't around yet
SARAH: That's what you think
KAYLA: Anyway, so those are my historical ones
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Let's get some um… one I saw, I don't know if it's on this list but I saw it on Reddit was to… oh shit now I have to go back and make sure I get it right because it's truly… oh no it's not there, it was something about putting sour cream in your burrito
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: That was… yes
SARAH: I don't think I enjoy that, I mean I don't… I’ve never had sour cream
KAYLA: Never?
SARAH: No
KAYLA: There's no way that's true
SARAH: There are a lot of things I’ve never had, I’ve never had ranch dressing, I’m from Michigan
KAYLA: That’s so upsetting to me, that's so incredibly upsetting to me
SARAH: I’m sorry okay what's the next one?
KAYLA: An ad for sex came up
SARAH: Oh, an ad for sex? I’m sorry, what?
KAYLA: You want some? No, that's not true, um one of these is in German
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: I’m going to text it
SARAH: Text it to me I’ll pronounce it
KAYLA: I tried to pronounce a German word earlier, it was bad okay. I just texted you, while you're looking at that here's one…
SARAH: Ooh, ooh God
KAYLA: “Batter dipping the corn dog”
SARAH: I don't like that, I would like to throw that one off of a cliff
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Um I will read the German one it says um blitzkrieg mit dem fleischgewehr um does it provide you the translation are you going to make me try and translate?
KAYLA: No, it literally… that's all it says
SARAH: Oh
KAYLA: They did not provide a translation for me
SARAH: Blitzkrieg is like lightning war like they used in like world war, um Fleisch is Fleisch so lightning war with the Fleisch I know the word Gewehr but I can't remember what it means so I’m just going to look up Fleischgewehr and see what happens
KAYLA: I just looked at one down the list and… oh no
SARAH: Oh, I just… I looked up what Fleischgewehr is…
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: And it reminded me of what Gewehr is and I hate it so much I want to jump into the ocean and never return
KAYLA: Uh-huh
SARAH: It means blitzkrieg or lightning war or whatever with the meat rifle
KAYLA: No, no
SARAH: I would like to jump into the ocean and never come back
KAYLA: Do you want a really good one that I think you really will like?
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: I’m serious, because I think this is funny as hell
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: “Bringing an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house”
SARAH: Why?
KAYLA: That's very good, that's very good
SARAH: Like I don't get it but I get it, you know?
KAYLA: It's very good, it's very good.
SARAH: Oh no
KAYLA: Here's one that's very bad
SARAH: Wait, did I… have I told you about um… oh I told you about that line from the Elton John song, the line from take me to the pilot where he says I’m like a coin in your mint I am dented but I had been hearing I always hear I’m El Dente
KAYLA: You have a real problem with hearing lyrics
SARAH: Yeah, queer legs
KAYLA: Queer legs
SARAH: That's all, queer legs
KAYLA: Queer legs. Here is a bad one.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: “Burping the worm in the mole hole.” Why are you burping… hey guys why are you burping it? oh I get… no, I get it, never mind
SARAH: I want to pull a van go and cut my fucking ears off that is the worst thing I’ve ever heard
KAYLA: It is um
SARAH: I hate that so much
KAYLA: Oh, there's some real bad ones, “cleaning the cobwebs with the womb broom.” These are also very heteronormative if you can't tell
SARAH: With the womb broom
KAYLA: “Dipping the crane in the oil well”
SARAH: Um, now the first thing my brain said was my brain tried to figure out what type of crane it meant. I was like… is it like a construction crane or like the bird, it's probably the construction crane
KAYLA: I don't think it's the bird, I really don't
SARAH: You never know it's like how asexuality has multiple meanings
KAYLA: I mean…
SARAH: It's all about context
KAYLA: I guess
[00:20:00]
SARAH: Crane is the example we use on our website
KAYLA: It is, that's true
SARAH: Because you can also crane your neck, anyway
KAYLA: Anyway, what about um “disappointing the wife?” what is…
SARAH: See that implies cheating so like if you were like…
KAYLA: No, that implies that you're bad at sex, you remember how straight people like to joke about how men are bad at sex and that's like…
SARAH: See that's not even how I took it, I took it as like you're disappointing your wife by cheating on her therefore if you're having sex with your wife that can't be called disappointing your wife but I know I do understand that know what you said makes sense
KAYLA: Yeah, what about um “dickening?”
SARAH: That's excellent
KAYLA: I agree
SARAH: I also love the phrase dicking down, it’s so funny
KAYLA: I like the phrase when you dick someone like if you beat someone really bad in a video game you like dick on them, I think that's very…
SARAH: I’ve never heard of that, it's like dunking on them but dicking on them
KAYLA: Recently, we were playing… I was playing Mario Kart with Dean and some of his friends and his one friend, bless her heart sometimes she says the wildest things, was like “Dean are you going to dick on your kids in Mario Kart?” You can't say that, you can’t
SARAH: It's like the children's stockings one
KAYLA: You just can't
SARAH: Like you just can't say that, speaking of which we should play Mario Kart on Switch together and you'll beat me every time
KAYLA: Yes. I still need to go to your island and sell my pears anyway
SARAH: Anyway
KAYLA: Well, like and subscribe so Sarah can start a Twitch stream, anyway
SARAH: Just for Animal Crossing?
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And I guess for Mario Kart
KAYLA: Yes, and for Dream Daddy, anyway. What about “Doodle Bopping?”
SARAH: Now that's funny
KAYLA: Now that's…
SARAH: I also like… um this is from Brooklyn 99 uh when they refer to it as boinking
KAYLA: It's very good
SARAH: Where they're like undercover and they're like we just… like they came back there to like spy on some people but then they get caught they're like we just came back here to boink and then… and then Jake goes yes boink that's my preferred term for it as well
KAYLA: Uh this one is… Oh, there's another funny one, oh “doinking” there's one, “doodling, drabbling”
SARAH: Drabbling, now a Drabble is like a really short fan fiction
KAYLA: I just read a really bad one
SARAH: Oh no what is it?
KAYLA: “Feeding the Kitty”
SARAH: No
KAYLA: No?
SARAH: Next?
KAYLA: How about “dunking the dingus?”
SARAH: I can't decide if I like it or if I hate it with a burning passion
KAYLA: I’ll give you one that you really hate if that'll make you feel better
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: Oh, okay so this is different one I think okay I read this differently and I think mine is better, what it says is “enraging the cave,” what I read was “engraving the cave” which I think is better and more accurate
SARAH: Enraging… wait, what was the first one?
KAYLA: What they wrote is enraging the cave but I read it as engraving which I think is better
SARAH: Yeah, I think enraging is good and engraving is horrible
KAYLA: Exactly, so it's better. What about “funorking?”
SARAH: Now, simply what does that mean?
KAYLA: That's… it means fucking, it's the whole point of this episode Sarah
SARAH: Why? But like what does fin… what does that come from?
KAYLA: What about “forking”
SARAH: Is it with is it with a ph or with an f?
KAYLA: F
SARAH: That doesn't help
KAYLA: What about “ficky fic?”
SARAH: Um what's that… what's that… um Lonely Island…
KAYLA: I need to stop reading ahead because… oh no
SARAH: What's that Lonely Island song where they're like ficky fackey, that's not what they say but they say something like that
KAYLA: I don't know, I don't know
SARAH: Don't worry about it. Okay, what's…
KAYLA: Here's two real bad ones right in a row “fidgeting the midget in Bridget,” thoughts? Feelings?
SARAH: That’s just like offensive on a lot of levels
KAYLA: It is, it's… like I said these are all very heteronormative. Um, “filling her out like an application”
SARAH: That is… like I don't think people fill out applications that thoroughly usually unless it's like a tax form
KAYLA: I don't know where… are you implying that… are you implying that… I don't know, I cannot understand what you're implying by this
SARAH: I’m just saying if you're filling out the application
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Is sex… All right, move on
KAYLA: No, I do want to understand what you think is happening here
SARAH: No
KAYLA: Do you think that when you have sex it's like that thorough…
SARAH: No
KAYLA: And like filling
SARAH: No
KAYLA: Imagine… stop, imagine if sex was filling and then you had sex and you're like um num num I don't need to eat for the rest of the day
SARAH: Then people just wouldn't fucking… like poverty just like wouldn't exist you would just like go have a fuck
KAYLA: I think I just fixed everything
SARAH: This is not how you solve poverty
KAYLA: I don't know
SARAH: About children
KAYLA: It only comes after like puberty, anyway
SARAH: I simply have to walk to the nearest river and just stare at it for a while
KAYLA: What about “flimp flopping?”
SARAH: Why is it flimp flopping and not flip flopping? is it… are you saying there's a… are you saying limp dick involved?
KAYLA: I certainly hope
SARAH: That doesn't seem like a very effective sexing
KAYLA: Ew. “Getting a belly full of marrow,” that's not where marrow comes from, that's your bone, oh I get it because it's a… I get it.
SARAH: Oh
KAYLA: Never mind
SARAH: Oh no, also when you said that like it sounded kind of like belly full of mayo which is also just disgusting
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: On all fronts
KAYLA: “Getting up in them guts.” Why do you have to write it like that though?
SARAH: Getting up in them guts
KAYLA: “Giving her the beans”
SARAH: The beans
KAYLA: Oh no. “Go crab fishing in the dead sea”
SARAH: I have a lot of questions about that
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Um the implication that the vagina is dead or just like the dead sea just deep
KAYLA: I guess
SARAH: What are we trying to say here?
KAYLA: I don’t know
SARAH: Also, fishing for crabs, are you trying to give this person crabs, are you trying to get crabs?
KAYLA: Well, if you're fishing for it you're trying to get it
SARAH: So, you're trying to get an STI?
KAYLA: I guess that they want it, yes. Man, what a wild kink that would be?
SARAH: Oh God, I’m just thinking about that now and I don't want to think about it anymore
KAYLA: Okay, let's move on
SARAH: I’m going to put that in a jar and throw to the wall
KAYLA: “Go into the grocery store”
SARAH: Go into the grocery store?
KAYLA: Yep
SARAH: I don't understand
KAYLA: Here's a gay one
SARAH: I straight up don't understand
KAYLA: I don't either but I have a gay one for you
SARAH: Okay, make it gay
KAYLA: “Hanging at the Y”
SARAH: That's funny
KAYLA: That's a good one
SARAH: I mean that's funny, YMCA, gay
KAYLA: Gay
SARAH: Hanging at the Y, gay
KAYLA: Gay, only gays allowed at the Y
SARAH: Only gays
KAYLA: Uh, “having hot pudding for supper,” oh no…
SARAH: I have a lot of…
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: Concerns with that…
KAYLA: I need to stop reading ahead…
SARAH: Stop reading ahead. I have a lot of concerns with that um first and foremost do they mean supper as in lunch or supper as in dinner like what part of the country are we in?
KAYLA: Why does that matter to you?
SARAH: Because my grandma refers to supper as dinner but I know in some places I think more in the south possibly supper is lunch or supper is like a smaller meal whereas dinner is like a more formal meal
KAYLA: I don't know
SARAH: Also, why is it hot, I don't want it to be hot, please read me the next one
KAYLA: “Hiding a Nazi,” why your penis a Nazi though?
SARAH: Why is… okay, if your penis is a Nazi, I would think the rest of you would be a Nazi
KAYLA: Cut it off
SARAH: Like how… like I understand that, I believe that penises are sentient um but I don't know that they're so sentient they could have like a separate like um political standpoint than you
KAYLA: Now here's a thought, what if being a Nazi is like a tumor and it starts in the dick and it grows and so you have to cut it off before it gets to your brain?
SARAH: That sounds… it almost sounds like you're talking about hydra
KAYLA: Um yes
SARAH: Oh no, oh no, now I just thought of hydra like the whole thing is like cut off one head and like two more shall grow in its place…
KAYLA: Are you saying that if you cut off a dick two more dicks will grow? If that was true do you know how much dick cutting will happen?
[00:30:00]
SARAH: I hate this so much, I can't believe I’ve walked myself into this disaster…
KAYLA: That one is all on you.
SARAH: I hate it. I hate it
KAYLA: That was bad
SARAH: Please move on
KAYLA: Okay, “interior decorating”
SARAH: It doesn't stay decorated though, like it's not a permanent decoration
KAYLA: Well, and if you're wearing a condom it's not, it doesn't really get decorated at all
SARAH: At least if the condom works properly
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: What would the… if this is interior decorating and the condom is stopping the interior decorating from happening what is the metaphor… like what is the condom metaphorically being just like a tarp?
KAYLA: Maybe like when you get your house exterminated and they put those big tents over your whole house
SARAH: I don't know that doesn't quite make sense
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Okay, how about “joint session of congress?”
SARAH: I don't know why I like that but I do. Also, because when congress gets together and they have joint sessions of congress they're basically fucking America so like you know
KAYLA: Oh, oh
SARAH: Not always but sometimes
KAYLA: Oh, “midnight jockey ride”
SARAH: No, next
KAYLA: “Moistening the Pope,” uh oh, oh she likes that one
SARAH: I don't like the word moistening but the fact that it was followed by the pope
KAYLA: They did drag the pope into this, they did drag old Frank
SARAH: Really did
KAYLA: Right into it
SARAH: Old Frank, sorry Frank
KAYLA: What about “negotiating the forested chasm?”
SARAH: It's interesting that's referred to as a negotiation, it implies that the chasm also has a part in you know negotiating the terms of the chasm
KAYLA: A lot of these really do talk about both the vagina and dick as sentient
SARAH: Yeah, no it gives the chasm um… oh what's the word I’m looking for? it gives the cat a chasm um…
KAYLA: Agency?
SARAH: Agency, yeah it gives the chasm agency and I respect that
KAYLA: Good
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Um how about “opening the Gates of Mordor?” oh you look very sad
SARAH: That's all I have to say
KAYLA: Okay, “parking the beef bus in tuna town”
SARAH: Now…
KAYLA: I think that's very funny
SARAH: If it were not a beef bus and it were not tuna town if we were parking something else, I might be okay with it
KAYLA: But I think it’s very funny
SARAH: I don't like the concept of it being a beef bus, I think tuna town is funny um but I don't like the concept of tuna, the idea of it being a town of some sort that's funny
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: That's all
KAYLA: What about um “playing a game of Mr. Wobbly hides his helmet?”
SARAH: Is he just hiding the helmet? That's my question
KAYLA: I mean it does seem that way, yes
SARAH: So, just the helmet?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Okay, interesting. Also, if he's… if… hold on Mr. Wobbly does that imply that the dick is wobbly?
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean it would imply that it's a limp dick
SARAH: So, just… all right moving on
KAYLA: Um “playing hide the Cannoli”
SARAH: I just, I don't like it, I’ve heard that one before I think
KAYLA: What about… there's no way you’ve heard this one before, “playing peekaboo with your vein cane in the flesh pipe,” See here's my thing…
SARAH: I hate it so much
KAYLA: Here's my thing about these euphemisms and metaphors is that they're… I thought they were supposed to be like subtle and that's very not
SARAH: No
KAYLA: You couldn't just say that like hey you want to go do this and then people don't know where you're going
SARAH: Oh no I think that one's intentionally really bad and as much as I hate it, I respect the intentional badness of it um…
KAYLA: I don't
SARAH: And it's so absurd like the absurdity of it is really what gives that one a punch
KAYLA: I guess, here's another um the perhaps the sister of the child stockings is “playing with the box the kid came in”
SARAH: See that one really reduces the woman in this heterosexual relationship to just a box for providing children
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And um I think that's very disrespectful and sexist
KAYLA: Yes, I agree
SARAH: I would like to put that in a box, lock it up, put it in a storage unit and burn the storage unit
KAYLA: Another one, uh “pressing the baby button”
SARAH: Now if only it were that easy, it's simply not. I think that minimizes what um a person has to go through in order to be pregnant and birth a child
KAYLA: Yeah, it's more than just pressing a button I’ve heard
SARAH: I think that's a very masculine like… not patriarchal but like being like oh you just got to hit the button and then you get a baby nine months later it's like bitch that person goes through so much shit
KAYLA: Yes, it’s truly…
SARAH: To have a baby
KAYLA: Not like that
SARAH: Yeah, like you just get to have fun the one time and then you're like oh not my problem anymore especially like if you have like a more old-fashioned mindset where it's like the woman takes care of the kids it's like okay well the man just gets to have a bit of fun and then uh the kids become the mom's problem and then when they need some farm hands just throw the kids outside
KAYLA: Oh wow, you went way back with that one
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Uh, how about “pressure washing the quiver bone with the bitch wrinkle… in the bitch wrinkle,” this doesn't help
SARAH: Okay step one is put that in an envelope
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Step two it's put that envelope in a box
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Step three it's mail that box to yourself, step four smash it
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Step five, put the box on the lever, step six pull the lever cronk, step seven make sure it hits the correct velocity to leave the earth’s atmosphere, and then shoot it with a fire bomb as it's leaving
KAYLA: That's a lot of steps
SARAH: They're all necessary
KAYLA: Okay, this one personally offends me
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: “Putting ranch dressing in hidden valley,” this makes me very upset
SARAH: That's so horrible
KAYLA: This does make me very upset
SARAH: For those of you who don't know hidden valley is a ranch dress… is like the biggest ranch dressing brand
KAYLA: It’s the best ranch dressing. It's simply the best ranch dressing
SARAH: Simply the best, better than all the rest. Um yeah no I don't like that particularly
KAYLA: Here's one that we're both… it's bad for the brand I think is “punching the cow” and I think this is bad for our brand and I don't get it also
SARAH: Like what is the cow?
KAYLA: I guess the vagina
SARAH: But how does that…
KAYLA: I don't know
SARAH: I don't understand and I think it's rude to cows everywhere
KAYLA: What about “putting the email in the spam folder”
SARAH: Now, that's just… well, no I was going to say that's offensive because it implies that the vagina is spam folder but you know what is less offensive about it? it implies that the dick is spam and that's true
KAYLA: It is true
SARAH: So, there's layers to that one
KAYLA: “Riding the baloney pony”
SARAH: Now that implies a certain type of sex
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: What about “schnoodily pooping?”
SARAH: Now, just including the word poop…
KAYLA: Yeah. Not great for me
SARAH: Concerns me, um… I don't know if some people are into that but uh I’m most assuredly not
KAYLA: I’m good without it
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: What about “searching for pocket change”
SARAH: What is the pocket change though?
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know
SARAH: Like… I just don't understand what the pocket change is meant to be
KAYLA: This is the best one that's left, are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: “Violating the prime directive”
SARAH: Now see when you first said violating it got me concerned
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Um but when you went on to say the prime directive, well the prime directive is to not be seen, right?
KAYLA: I don't know actually
SARAH: I believe the prime directive is to not be seen by civilizations that like aren't evolved enough to like understand, remember… because at the beginning of Star Trek into Darkness
KAYLA: Yeah, it's prohibiting its members from interfering with the internal and natural development of alien civilizations, okay that's good, that's a good one
[00:40:00]
SARAH: That is good
KAYLA: I like this one
SARAH: The implication is that one of the people here is an alien civilization and you just weren’t born
KAYLA: No, the implication is that the dick is the starship enterprise and the womb inside of the womb is an alien civil, there's aliens in the womb, this is very good
SARAH: Yeah, or the ass if we're going to be inclusive here
KAYLA: Or if we're going to be inclusive either inside…
SARAH: We should
KAYLA: Inside the lower part of anyone's body is allegedly just some aliens, little ones like Horton here's a who style living in your body wait isn't that what cells are though? oh god
SARAH: Where?
KAYLA: Cells, are just tiny people in your body if you would…
SARAH: Yeah, I would say they’re kind of people
KAYLA: But it's like kind of do be like that you know
SARAH: No
KAYLA: It do, but listen they do…
SARAH: It don't, it don't
KAYLA: But it do
SARAH: Okay, what's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Uh
SARAH: Do it be like that?
KAYLA: Do it be like that though?
SARAH: Well, we'll include the uh blitzkrieg uh mit uh um Fleisch Fleischgewehr, do that one and just write like the English translation
KAYLA: What's the English translation?
SARAH: Um like lightning war with the meat rifle
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: Uh what was the one that was like… the there was a vein involved or something?
KAYLA: Playing peekaboo with vein in your cane and the flash pipe
SARAH: Yeah, that one, do you see any other good ones?
KAYLA: I mean there was a lot of good ones, let me tell you what
SARAH: A lot of cool ones. Well, we're doing which is the worst
KAYLA: Well, yes that's what I meant
SARAH: So, give me some garbage
KAYLA: Oh, this is the one we missed “doing the horizontal greased weasel tango,” that's very good
SARAH: I’d like to bury that one deep in the earth and wait until it turns into a fossil fuel
KAYLA: Oh, here's a bad one burping… burping the worm in the mole hole
SARAH: Yeah, that one is bad, that one is pretty bad one
KAYLA: That one is prime bad
SARAH: Prime directive, good
KAYLA: That one is good, we can't include, that one that one is too good
SARAH: Yeah, uh one more um…
KAYLA: Oh, with the Nazi
SARAH: Oh, yeah, yeah Nazi, the Nazi, excellent all right well you can…
KAYLA: Excellent
SARAH: Excellent, you can vote on which is the worst euphemism um on our twitter @soundsfakepod, we're @soundsfakepod everywhere um uh Kayla what's your beef and your juice this week? I haven't prepared any this week, so we're both just flying free
KAYLA: My beef is um… my beef is that yesterday I didn't drink caffeine which was a mistake because I’m addicted and I get headaches when I don't and so I had a really bad headache and I had to drink nasty diet coke at like 7 p.m. and it didn't even really help so um, really big problems happening over here in my life, big stuff, big important stuff
SARAH: Before you do your juice can my beef because I just thought of one and I’ll forget it?
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: My beef is that I was supposed to work out with my friend Miranda today, not really work out together we were just going to do the same workout on the same day um but then uh she woke up and her back was absolutely fucked, remember that one time that her back got super fucked Kayla?
KAYLA: And she like couldn't move?
SARAH: Yeah, it's like that again
KAYLA: Good, I should text her
SARAH: And she texted me during this podcast and said I decided to go for a walk because sitting/laying down is painful as shit but I only made it worse
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: Also, their AC is not working and it's really hot but she needs like a heating pad to help her back
KAYLA: She should just lay in the sun
SARAH: Um, so there's that, oh what's your juice?
KAYLA: My juice is that um I’ve been doing yoga almost every day, I didn't do it yesterday but for like almost eight days straight because I’m healthy now I guess and it feels good and also like I noticed yesterday I was doing like just where you touch your toes but I could touch them better
SARAH: Nice hamstring stretch
KAYLA: Thank you
SARAH: My juice is… my juice is related to a beef but my juice is taking some time off of the internet, I used to be able to relax on the internet for the most part, not necessarily on twitter because twitter is not a place for relaxing
KAYLA: No
SARAH: But I could relax you know maybe on Instagram, hit up Tumblr relaxing those places are no longer relaxing uh…
KAYLA: You know, where is relaxing?
SARAH: For reasons of social problems, what?
KAYLA: If you go on Instagram and sometimes your explore page has videos of people painting their nails because you look at them so much…
SARAH: Oh, I watch those all the time, I love the ones where they use like the dip and then they paint on the dip
KAYLA: I like when they do… they have to put they peely stuff around it and so then they stamp, and the stamp looks very satisfying when it like squishes down and then they also…
SARAH: I don’t like the stamp as much
KAYLA: Well, I like when they peel
SARAH: Okay, I also watch those
KAYLA: Good. I actually did see… I watched one recently and I saw that you had liked it and I was like hello
SARAH: Yeah. Well, yeah but I mean but see the thing is my explore page also contains thing about… things about um the lack of racial equality in this country and so uh you know my brain…
KAYLA: That’s a bummer
SARAH: That's a bummer uh but you know I’ve been reading the Cane Chronicles by Rick Riordan it was one of his earlier series with the Egyptian gods but I started reading it at one point but like I just kind of like stopped um and I never went back to it and I’ve read all of those other books and I was like I’m going to do it and it took me a while to get into it but once I was into it I’m like let's go
KAYLA: Good
SARAH: So, that's what I’ve been doing and playing Animal Crossing, because you can't be reminded of… well, my flag on my island is a black lives matter flag so like it is kind of there to remind me but you know
KAYLA: Well…
SARAH: It's chill. uh okay um patrons, I’m sorry I don't know… my brain just stopped, hold on
KAYLA: You think you did things in the wrong order?
SARAH: Yeah, I sure did. You can tell us about your beef, your juice uh what you've been reading in this time as a nice little escape… oh you know you know what else I did? I told you about this and I also told my Instagram followers about this, when I was little I had the why is the rum gone scene from Pirates of the Caribbean memorized and um I re-memorized it
KAYLA: I got a very nice Snapchat video of just the whole damn thing
SARAH: You didn't even get the good one too, the one that I sent you I messed up a little bit, there's like a pause
KAYLA: Wow, who got the good one then?
SARAH: Uh my sister and my cousins because they were the ones who…
KAYLA: Bitch
SARAH: Inspired me to… I saved it, I can send it to you
KAYLA: No, I don't want it, you know what? now I don't even want it is the thing, so
SARAH: I could recite it to you right now
KAYLA: I don't want that either, I certainly don't
SARAH: Okay. Tell us about your beef, your juice, your ability to recite scenes from pirates of the Caribbean on our twitter, you can also support us on patreon patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fierro, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, BookMarvel, Changeling MX, Derrick and Carissa, Simona Simon, Jamie jack, Jessica Shea, Rio Faustino, Daniel Walker, Barefoot Backpacker, Livy, Madeline Askew, Livy, Madeline Skew, Lily Funk, James, Corinne, Aliceisinspace who bumped up from uh being in a lower category thanks Alice, we love you, Alice has been around for a long time
KAYLA: Thanks, our water mum. And this is our water mom
SARAH: Yes, and uh Sky Simpson, thank you to both of you
KAYLA: You’re welcome
SARAH: To bost of you, you heard me
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @dirtyuncleKevin @Tessa_m_k, Arcness who'd like to promote the Trevor project, Benjamin Ybarra who'd like to promote Tabletop games, anonymous who’d like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who'd like to promote podcasts from a planet weird, my aunt Jennie who'd like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who'd like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug rice who would like to promote Native by Caitlin Curtis and Maggie Capellbo who'd like to promote her dog's Instagram @minniemuffin19 and H. Valdez who said they didn't really have anything to promote so they're going to promote drinking water
KAYLA: But also, black lives matter, they're also going to promote Black Lives Matter
SARAH: Both equally important to life
KAYLA: I guess, yes
SARAH: Well, if you don't drink water you die
KAYLA: I guess that's true
SARAH: And Black Lives Matter is also very important for life, anyway. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com, my mom Julie who’d like to promote free mom hugs from a distance still, we're still social distancing, Sarah Jones… unless you're in New Zealand, that’s fine, Sarah Jones who is @eternallolli everywhere, Dea Chappelle who’d like to promote the podcast The Beacon, and Andy A who was the requester of something similar to this but we… this is what you ended up with Andy
KAYLA: We’re sorry
SARAH: Um and Andy would like to promote being in unions
KAYLA: List
SARAH: IWW, is one that Andy likes, you know what I would not recommend? police unions
KAYLA: Now that's the tea
SARAH: That's the tea and as always dragonfly um who would also like to promote drinking water and Black Lives Matter
KAYLA: Good, yes
SARAH: But on the other order, so Black Lives Matter would be more
KAYLA: Okay, okay
SARAH: Um thanks for listening tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then don't punch your dang cows Jesus. Jesus take the wheel
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]