Ep 146: How Babies Are Made (Wrong Answers Only)

Hey what's up hello! Have you ever wondered where babies come from? Usually when you ask people say "sex," but we aren't too sure about that. In this week's episode, we tell you where babies actually come from. 

Episode Transcript: https://www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/how-babies-are-made   

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Transcript

(0:00)

SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)

SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: Where do babies come from?

ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.

KAYLA: M’chanical keyboard.
SARAH: Oh Jesus.

KAYLA: I was ready this time and I also have with me, a special guest this week, my mechanical keyboard because I promised the Discord I would give them some ASMR, are you ready? 

SARAH: I’m ready.

KAYLA: Okay let me type for you, I set it up right in front of my microphone (typing).

SARAH: Wowww.

KAYLA: Did you hear it?

SARAH: No I heard it.

KAYLA: (typing) Those are my sounds for this week. Bye!

SARAH: (laughing) That’s been the pod. 

KAYLA: That’s been the podcast. Goodbye.

SARAH: Goodbye! But actually it hasn’t. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?

KAYLA: This week? I think it’s also recommendation from the DIscord, which thank you Discord because as the days go by-

SARAH: I actually know who this one came from.
KAYLA: Oh, do you?

SARAH: This came from rainfalling in the Discord

KAYLA: What a thing to say - “rain falling in the Discord.”

SARAH: (laughing)

KAYLA: That’s beautiful - poetry.

SARAH: Rain falling in the Discord!

KAYLA: (singing) Rain falling in the Discooooord. Anyway, this week we’re talking about “where do babies come from?” because sex-ed doesn’t really happen. So we thought we would all give you really accurate ways of how babies are made and where they come from. 

SARAH: Yeah. I mean, do we want to be upfront and say we’re going to say where babies come from: wrong answers only, or do we want to pretend that they’re all real answers?

KAYLA: I mean I think a) you should leave that question in and b) they'll probably get it.

SARAH: Well maybe if I leave it in, they’ll really get it.

KAYLA: Maybe we should just leave this whole thing in. 

SARAH: Okay. Cool. This is Sounds Fake But Okay. 

KAYLA: A professional podcast. Uncut. No edits. 

SARAH: (laughing) No edits. Incredible. But yeah, Kayla would you like to start us out?

KAYLA: Yeah, my first one is very accurate. It’s also what I thought when I was in 5th grade of how sex and babies happen. But it’s still accurate. Anyway, it’s just when you’re naked and kissing. 

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: And then the baby happens.

SARAH: And then the baby happens.

KAYLA: Mm hmm. 

SARAH: Yeah. Similarly, this wasn’t something that I thought but it’s something my aunt was traumatized with. So my aunt was the youngest of 8 kids.

KAYLA: Too many.

SARAH: And she had a number of older siblings to mess with her. And so when she was small, they told her that they got her at Kmart as a blue light special, which was a special sale. They told her that if she didn’t behave herself well enough they could return her. And so she was constantly afraid of being returned to Kmart. 

KAYLA: That’s not a good store to be returned to either.

SARAH: Okay.

KAYLA: I mean, Kmart isn’t a good store, y’know?

SARAH: It’s fine, I have to say I haven't been to Kmart in a number of years.

KAYLA: I’m pretty sure they don’t exist anymore. 

SARAH: There was one by our house that turned into a Sears. It was a Sears, it was a Kmart, and then it was a Sears again. Then I think it was empty for a really long time and then they changed it to an Art Van Furniture right before Art Van went bankrupt.

KAYLA: Wow what a roller coaster that building has been on.

SARAH: I know.

KAYLA: Another way that babies are made - actually I’ll make one right now, are you ready?

SARAH: Uh, sure.

KAYLA: (rolling die) I rolled a Nat 20 and got a baby.

SARAH: Oh wow. More use of props I see.

KAYLA: I think props are good for the audio medium.

(5:00)

SARAH: Mm kay, alright. Another way that babies could be made - this is what my sister thought as a child. We knew someone who had gotten pregnant when they were 16. My sister thought that that could just happen to you. So she was afraid that when she was 16, she would get pregnant, that the baby would just show up. For the record, by the time she was 16, she knew that that was not the case.

KAYLA: Can you imagine being 16 and still thinking that was the case? Horrifying. I think babies come from when in a pickle jar the pickles kind of get expired. If you don’t throw them and you keep them in a jar for a long time, the pickles actually grows into the baby.

SARAH: Okay - kind of like potatoes?

KAYLA: Mm hmm.

SARAH: Okay, cool. It’s silly that we haven’t said this yet - obviously, all babies are just delivered by stork.

KAYLA: Just one stork.

SARAH: There’s one stork. It’s like Santa or the tooth fairy. It’s just one.

KAYLA: Here’s the thing - have we considered that maybe Santa is the one bringing the babies? 

SARAH: What about babies that are born on Christmas Eve? He seems very busy at that time.

KAYLA: Here’s what I’m thinking. You know how recently especially, restaurants have been making ghost restaurants so that they can have two presences on GrubHub? Have you heard about this?

SARAH: No.

KAYLA: So Applebees has a thing on Grubhub that you can find now, this restaurant, that’s like a wings restaurant and all they do is wings. But if you research it, it’s actually just Applebees trying to sell their wings under a different front because I guess not enough buy their wings.

SARAH: Okay.

KAYLA: And they just want their store to be on Grubhub like 5 times but under different names. Chuck E. Cheese does this with their pizza apparently. Anyway, so what if stork is just one of Santa Claus’ fronts?

SARAH: When I was little, I questioned how Santa Claus could possibly get to every house on Earth in one night. And the conclusion I came to was that he had a lot of identical brothers.

KAYLA: See that’s actually what my parents told me. I asked my parents how Santa Clause is always in the mall to take pictures. Isn’t he busy? And they were like, “actually his elves do it for him. They dress up as him and speak for him. So they can go back to him and tell him what they said.”
SARAH: This doesn’t have anything to do with babies anymore. Is it my turn or your turn?

KAYLA: I think it’s my turn. I think babies are just really intricate origami that someone just keeps making. Even though the population is an issue and they should probably stop, but they just really like origami. 

SARAH: At the very least they should slow down. Do they not have arthritis at this point from origami-making?

KAYLA: It’s shocking really. 

SARAH: Oh man. Okay. I also think that some babies are made when you take a piece of hair and you plant it in the ground. 

KAYLA: I hate this.

SARAH: And then you water it with blood kind of like Audrey II in little drops of water, which I’ve never seen, but I get the idea. And it grows into a person.

KAYLA: I don’t like that. I think babies are - now I’m trying to think if a child asked me where babies come from and I didn’t want to tell them the truth, which why not tell them the truth? They need to understand.

SARAH: If they’re not my kid, I’m not telling them.

KAYLA: I mean that’s fair. If it’s not my kid I would probably not say anything cause that’s not my business. Babies come from when - this is so upsetting - someone has a tumor and they remove it. It’s actually just a baby and then they let it grow.

SARAH: So this wasn’t really a tumor but this cyst that I had on my wrist-

(10:00)

KAYLA: No that was a baby. And it’s currently a baby. What they don’t tell you about surgeons who take tumors and cysts out is that they say, “Yeah I just threw it in the trash or whatever.” But they don’t. They put it in a little tube that preemies live in- 

SARAH: Like little incubators?

KAYLA: And yeah, then that’s baby.

SARAH: Wow. To be fair, I did not see my cyst doctor or surgeon-

KAYLA: Exactly, so have you seen your cyst and a baby in the same room? No.

SARAH: No. I haven’t.

KAYLA: Absolutely not. 

SARAH: Where babies actually come from though is that they’re made in a factory on Long Island.

KAYLA: Why Long Island?

SARAH: That’s where they are. 

KAYLA: Do you think that all of the things we’re saying are true? And that’s how you get your family or who you’re related to is which place you were made as a baby?

SARAH: I’m sort of following but not.

KAYLA: It’s like rival companies. Like how there’s a Samsung and an Apple. But there’s different companies and ways to make babies?

SARAH: Okay but then what if you have a Romeo and Juliet situation not where they die but where they make a baby together and they’re from rival baby-making companies?

KAYLA: Well that’s when you get a third baby-making company that’s a mix of them and that’s why there’s so many ways-

SARAH: So there’s exponential growth?

KAYLA: Right. Which is why in this episode we have so many to talk about. It’s because over time. It was just god at first. He was like poof Adam and Eve. But then, it just got messy.

SARAH: As it does with humans.

KAYLA. Yeah. I think one of the ways you can make a baby is by drinking a lot of water all at once. You know sometimes how you feel kind of bloated? That’s a baby.

SARAH: When I was a child, probably 3, there was a person around me who was pregnant. And they were like, “why do you think this person’s belly is getting bigger?” And I was like, “drank too much water!” 

KAYLA: You had so many thoughts as a child.

SARAH: That is the only logical conclusion.

KAYLA: You just thought so many things.
SARAH: And when they were like no, I was like, “ate too much food!” (laughing)

KAYLA: Nothing has changed over the past 20 years. You know what I realized? Not related to any of this - I said 20 years even though you’re 22. You know what I realized? I was listening to the beginning part of the episode of A OK that we were and she asks how old we are and I very confidently said I was 22.

SARAH: Didn’t I correct you?

KAYLA: If you did they edited it out. I incredibly confidently was like, “we’re both 22 but Sarah’s a little bit younger.” I listened to that and I was like, “What?” 

SARAH: “Wait I’m not 22”

KAYLA: I listened back and I was like, “what the fuck am I talking about?” 

SARAH: That’s so funny. 

KAYLA: I’ve been having a lot of issues being 23 because it was a quarantine birthday and it seems to not count.

SARAH: And you know, as they say, no one likes you when you’re 23.

KAYLA: So I just pretend I’m not I guess. Anyway, that was unrelated.

SARAH: I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22.

KAYLA: I guess the thing is I am feeling 22. 

SARAH: Excellent. Is it my turn?

KAYLA: It’s now your turn yes.

SARAH: Okay. 3D printer.

KAYLA: Oh that’s so good.

SARAH: Yup.

KAYLA: That’s a good one.

SARAH: There’s just been a 3D printer since the beginning of time and it has 3D printed everyone that ever was. And you say, “Sarah, but what about the days before humans had discovered how to build fire? Before they made the wheel? How did they have a 3D printer?” They had a 3D printer. 

KAYLA: Oh, okay.

SARAH: Yeah that’s all I have to say. 

KAYLA: I think babies are made where in the middle of the night a robot will come into your home and be like, “it’s time for this person to have baby.” And so they make a little tiny cut on your stomach and they stuff it in.

(15:00)

SARAH: Oh god!

KAYLA: They glue it back together and they say, “no it’s definitely cause you had sex for sure,” and you’re like, “no it is” and then the government is like (laughing) “no it’s not.”

SARAH: Wow. So not only are birds not real but sex isn’t real.

KAYLA: No. There’s actually no point because the government is trying to push the big sex agenda. “No, but we need to be having so much sex. The population… it’s natural... It’s evolution.” But they’re just saying that to make money because it’s not true.

SARAH: Okay. Speaking of that, actually, you gave me a great idea that was inspired by the movie Robots which came out in 2005. In that movie, which I think is a really good representation of real life, you buy the parts to the baby and you build the baby.

KAYLA: A baby Ikea! 

SARAH: It’s like a baby that you get from Ikea.

KAYLA: I like that, except that’s kind of eugenics and I don’t.

SARAH: Yeah. Shh. 

KAYLA: Don’t. Shh. I think babies come from - actually all babies are just gingerbread men. So there’s this one Tollhouse cookie who’s really busy and all they do is bake little babies and that’s why they call it “bun in the oven.” But it’s a gingerbread man or woman or nonbinary-

BOTH: Gingerbread person.

SARAH: Wow, okay.
KAYLA: Gingerbread baby. 

SARAH: So, actually all babies come from - they have this origin story. On October 1st, 1989, 43 women around the world who were previously not pregnant suddenly gave birth at the same time. 

KAYLA: Huh?

SARAH: This is the premise at the beginning of Umbrella Academy.

KAYLA: I was like, “there’s no way she just thought of that. That’s way too good.”

SARAH: No that’s what happens at the beginning of Umbrella Academy. 

KAYLA: Oh thank god. I was like, “she can’t be pulling shit like this at me in the middle of the episode.” I don’t have the same energy to match this level of conspiracy theory she just made.

SARAH: I took that straight from Gerard Way.
KAYLA: Oh thank god. I had one and you really just wiped my brain with that. That shook me to my core. Holy shit. Oh, I remember what it was. I think where babies actually come from - you know how in Monsters Inc. like this other universe or whatever. The monsters can get to houses through doors?

SARAH: Yup.

KAYLA: So this other Monsters universe - the Monsters Inc. universe is like we make our money based on screams.

SARAH: Or laughing. God. It’s like you didn’t learn anything.

KAYLA: Um I was trying to be spoiler-free.

SARAH: Okay that movie came out in what year?

KAYLA: Shh. But there’s this other monsters’ universe where they make money off of babies. They just open the door, they toss the baby in, and they shut it away. That’s how they make the baby.

SARAH: How do they make money off that?

KAYLA: Probably like crying honestly. Babies cry a lot.

SARAH: Oh yeah, they just give them babies so they cry more and they can get more electricity.

KAYLA: Yeah yeah yeah.

SARAH: Okay. That checks out. 

KAYLA: Oh I have one. 

SARAH: Then do it.

KAYLA: You know that game when we were younger where you would dress up the Barbie? She wasn’t a Barbie but she looked like a Barbie. You could change her hair color and her outfits and her makeup. Did you ever play that game?

SARAH: LIke in real life?
KAYLA: On the computer.

SARAH: Yeah. I know what you’re talking about on the computer, yeah. 

KAYLA: It wasn’t Barbie though. I don’t know what that website was.

SARAH: I’m thinking of the letter S for some reason.

KAYLA: It was such a good game. Anyway, what you’re actually doing is creating what a fresh baby will look like when it’s older. So every time you played that game you were actually creating a baby. Is this also eugenics? Yes. I see where I went wrong, thank you.

SARAH: (laughing) Okay. Babies actually come from - what happens is two people and then you right-click on them and then you click “woohoo” and then they get in the bad and have a party. 

KAYLA: That’s really - hold on. Go back. You click “try for baby.”

SARAH: No you click “woohoo.”

KAYLA: No. You very specifically have to say whether you’re trying to make a baby or not. 

SARAH: I guess.

KAYLA: It’s true.

SARAH: I haven’t played Sims in a long time.

KAYLA: You have to make sure you’re telling it to make baby. 

(20:00)

SARAH: Okay. Then you say “try for baby” and you “woohoo” under the covers and what that means is that you kind of have a party.

KAYLA: Mm hmm. Just like, some confetti. 

SARAH: And then baby.

KAYLA: And yeah, literally three days later, baby. I think you how babies are made - you know how LEGO makes tiny little LEGO men?

SARAH: Uh huh.

KAYLA: So they’re very small right. And so you probably lost a lot of them while you were playing with them. Or at least you thought you did. You’re like “where are all my little LEGO men?” Actually those are babies and they’re running to their new families. Every time you lose a little LEGO person that is a baby being born. 

SARAH: Mm hmm. I see. This is a little bit similar to the method of using hair to grow a baby. But you can also just use nail clippings to grow a baby.

KAYLA: I don’t like that. That’s gross. 

SARAH: You just plant them in the ground, give them some water.

KAYLA: (gasps) I’ve figured it out. 

SARAH: What?

KAYLA: The tooth fairy is stealing everyone’s teeth so she can plant them and grow babies. It’s not Santa it’s the tooth f- oh my god I can’t believe we just figured everything out. That’s why the tooth fairy exists. 

SARAH: Yeah that makes sense.

KAYLA: Holy shit.

SARAH: And when babies are born, they have teeth in their bodies but they’re not-

KAYLA: Oh my god it’s because the tooth fairy takes our teeth and then puts them to grow baby but they still need time to grow after being born. So the babies are just a collection of old teeth. But a lot of old teeth because they have the baby ones and the adult one. Oh my god. 

SARAH: And then the teeth just spawn in the mouth of the baby.  And that’s how they end up with so many. Otherwise, we would run out of teeth eventually.

KAYLA: I’m so shook.

SARAH: Yeah, I know. I think you’re right.

KAYLA: I think I did it. I think I figured it out.
SARAH: Yeah. Another way we make baby is we go to the baby vending machine. 

KAYLA: Ooh, how much is baby?

SARAH: Baby used to be $1 but now baby is $1.25.

KAYLA: No. Shit. Fucking inflation.

SARAH: Inflation. 

KAYLA: You know how you ask people how a baby is made and they say “when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much?”

SARAH: Uh huh.

KAYLA: So actually first of all, it doesn’t have to be a mommy and a daddy. They could even not be a couple. Or, they could be different genders than a mommy and a daddy. Whatever. But they tell you it’s when they love each other very much. But it’s actually the opposite. It’s every time you and someone else hate each other a lot, a baby is born.

SARAH: Yeah. Every person on earth is born out of hate.

KAYLA: Mm hmm.

SARAH: You started saying that and I was like, “oh babies are born out of hate - I should say tha next”’ because I didn’t think that’s what you were going to say and then that is what you said. 

KAYLA: Well. Gotcha. I have another one, can I do another one.

SARAH: Please.

KAYLA: You know Kinder eggs? Are those the ones that’s like okay in Europe but banned here.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: So what people think Kinder eggs are, it’s like a chocolate egg and it’s hollow and you open it and there’s a little toy inside?

SARAH: A toy in it, yeah.

KAYLA: It’s not, it’s a baby inside. And the US just doesn’t want us to know how babies are really made and that’s why Kinder eggs are banned in the US because we’re just so repressed over here.

SARAH: Wow. Okay.

KAYLA: The government is probably going to censor and you’ll hear one long beep and you’ll never know.

SARAH: Yeah, that’s unfortunate. Another means of producing baby - and this can happen on its own and recently people have taken to kick-starting the process. Basically there are so many human germs in a McDonald’s play place. But if you leave them there long enough to breed, they will eventually breed into baby. But, people have been kick-starting the process and encouraging the germs to breed. I think it’s going to be a problem with COVID now, and we’re going to have fewer babies maybe. But as we know that is just one method.

KAYLA: Wow that’s why babies are so sticky and gross.

SARAH: Yeah.

(25: 00)
KAYLA: Sarah, have you heard of the Wayfair conspiracy?

SARAH: I’ve heard a little bit about it, yes.

KAYLA: So the way babies are actually made is you order a cabinet from Wayfair.

SARAH: And then there’s just a baby.

KAYLA: And then you have a child. 

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Yikes.

SARAH: Checks out. Another way that babies are made is - you know before the winter squirrels bury food for themselves, they bury those acorns. So babies come from when the squirrels forget to unbury the acorns. And if they’re left too long, they turn into baby.

KAYLA: Wow. Sarah, we’ve missed an obvious one.

SARAH: What?

KAYLA: From the cabbage patch! 

SARAH: Ah you’re so right.

KAYLA: The Cabbage Patch Kids that sacred sect of babies that are made from the cabbage patch.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Obviously.

SARAH: That’s true. That’s true. I have an image in my head that I’m trying to make come out of my mouth in words. You know how in Night at the Museum-

KAYLA: Mm hmm.

SARAH: Everything at the museum comes to life? It’s the premise of the film.

KAYLA: It’s kind of a Toy Story ripoff now that I think about it.

SARAH: Um… I would say no because I think Night at the Museum, they literally are themselves.

KAYLA: So were the toys, what do you mean?

SARAH: No but like, FDR is FDR.

KAYLA: I guess. I think it’s just like adult Toy Story.

SARAH: And in an enclosed space with a big mammoth. Also. Did you know that Eugene Levy was the voice of the bobbleheads in Night at the Museum 2?

KAYLA: No.

SARAH: I found that out recently, it was a great discovery.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: Okay so babies come from when those museum things come to life and they escape the museum.

KAYLA: Oh and so they just turn into baby once they cross the threshold.

SARAH: When they cross the threshold and when it’s morning because you know how Night at the Museum only at night right? So they’re still outside in the morning. The movie misleads you. What happens in reality - if they’re still outside in the morning, they become baby. 

KAYLA: Wowie. Another way to make a baby and to get pregnant is if you make really prolonged eye contact with someone via Zoom. Suddenly you will find that one of you is pregnant.

SARAH: Yeah. Could be either of you really.

KAYLA: Yeah, and there’s no way to know. 

SARAH: No rhyme or reason it’s just the way it is.

KAYLA: Mm hmm. 

SARAH: I guess more babies will be made that way during COVID so we don’t have to worry so much about the McDonald’s play place scenario.

KAYLA: That’s true, that’s true. 

SARAH: Babies happen when baby. 

KAYLA: Mm hmm. I have several, would you like several?

SARAH: Yes.

KAYLA: One way that you just made me remember is that when people are like “No I’m baby.” Every time you say that you do turn into a baby and everyone that says that-

SARAH: Like they turn into a baby or-

KAYLA: No they just turn into a baby and you have to find someone to take it and something to do with it. And another way is that Spotify has this new thing called Spotify Duo and it’s like a plan that you and one other person that lives in the same address as you pay for a plan together. It’s like a family plan but it’s just for two people. It’s called Spotify Duo and when you get on that with someone, there’s a Spotify baby that comes.

SARAH: Wow. I had one and then I lost it. What was the one that you said before Spotify baby?

KAYLA: When you say “I’m baby” you suddenly turn into a baby.

SARAH: Oh. Every time someone refers to someone else as “daddy” they become a daddy.

KAYLA: Ew.

SARAH: Some people have a lot of kids. 

(30:00)

KAYLA: Every time it hails, sometimes the hail is really big, and people are like, “oh my god it’s the size of golf balls.” It’s actually a baby that’s falling from the sky and it’s the prequel to It’s Raining Men. 

SARAH: (singing) It’s raining babies, hallelujah it’s raining babies.

KAYLA: Exactly.

SARAH: I see. Babies actually come from you know how Frosty the snowman is a snowman that comes to life?

KAYLA: Mm hmm. 

SARAH: That actually happens with all snowmen.

KAYLA: Oh my.

SARAH: They just turn into babies.

KAYLA: So why do we sometimes see snowmen that aren’t babies?

SARAH: A lot of times people make their snowmen look more mature but really deep down they are just babies.

KAYLA: Interesting.

SARAH: And Frosty’s just a myth unfortunately.

KAYLA: Tragic.

SARAH: You can’t grow into a fully grown snowman.

KAYLA: That’s upsetting to hear I was really looking forward to that. Sometimes babies are made because you really hate Sarah and you want to make her jealous of you so you fuck the quarterback Chad and you get pregnant.

SARAH: (laughing) I thought this was wrong answers only. 

KAYLA: Sorry I had to throw a real one in there I don’t know. I just really feel like we should continue the story of Chad. In the next episode, we’ll see how he is as a father.

SARAH: Is Chad a good dad?

KAYLA: And me being a closeted secret lesbian with a child. You know? We’ll see.

SARAH: A lot of things to consider there. You know when you’re having a child while that can be difficult, so I hope that you do finish high school.

KAYLA: Thank you.

SARAH: But some other part of me also wants you to not so that I can become the best cheerleader on the team. 

KAYLA: Either way I did kinda screw myself because I’m not going to be a good cheerleader anymore if I’m pregnant.

SARAH: That’s true.

KAYLA: It’s almost like this plan backfired and you knew all along. And maybe you stole my birth control so I would get pregnant. 

SARAH: Oh. That’s mean.

KAYLA: Maybe you didn’t even like Chad all along. You just knew if you said you did I would get pregnant. It goes really really deep.

SARAH: Wow, deep cuts. I had one and I forgot it, then I had it again and then I forgot it again. 

KAYLA: Good.

SARAH: Oh. A lot of people in this realm, including myself, just really don’t like baby bellies. And what’s really unfortunate is that every time we have to think about baby bellies someone gets a new baby belly.

KAYLA: What if it’s you?

SARAH: It won’t be me.

KAYLA: Why?

SARAH: Because.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: I think babies are just a couple ants stacked up in a trench coat that really want to get your food and are like, “I know what’ll trick them to not killing us when we come into their house anymore: dress up like a baby!” And then they’ll eat all the food.

SARAH: All babies come from the Bad Place.

KAYLA: Oh no!
SARAH: Was that an oh no or a no?

KAYLA: I said oh no. So all babies are just little demons?

SARAH: Yeah. They can become good and end up at the Good Place eventually but they’re creations of the Bad Place. Think about how much babies scream, how much they poop all over the place.

KAYLA: It’s true.

SARAH: That is a bad place creation.

SARAH: And they try to push down to the Good Place by being like, “oh look how cute we made this baby!” But deep down they were all made by the Bad Place. It’s like, down there, they’re just pumping out babies and wasp nostrils.

KAYLA: Ew what?

SARAH: Wasp nostrils.

KAYLA: I don’t like those words.

SARAH: Wasp nostrils.

KAYLA: No thanks.
SARAH: Okay. Your other option is baby.

KAYLA: Okay! I had one but I think I forgot it.

SARAH: There’s one - I think it’s bad but it really just keeps coming to my mind. It’s when you have two Funko Pops. 

KAYLA: Oh gosh.
SARAH: (laughing) and you put them in kind of like an angle from each other. And then they look at each other with their laser eyes. And then their laser eyes hit each other and then, oohoo, baby.

KAYLA: Oh my.

(35:00)

SARAH: Yeah it’s been in my head for a little while and I had to get it out.

KAYLA: Yeah that is upsetting. That’s an upsetting one. I remembered. Did you remember - I don’t even know what they were - coffee table books or calendars that had chubby little babies dressed up? Maybe it was a calendar. So it would be like one for every month or season.

SARAH: Kay…

KAYLA: And I vividly remember these chunky little babies dressed up with fuzz all over them and they’d be sitting on a big egg. I think all babies come from egg.

SARAH: I mean that is objectively true.

KAYLA: But like, the other kind. 

SARAH: They’re hatched. 

KAYLA: Yeah they hatched.

SARAH: Baby actually - forgot again what I was going to say. What did you say before they come from an egg? Beginning of this explanation?

KAYLA: Oh the calendar?

SARAH: Yeah, yeah okay. All babies actually come from advent calendars. Not all advent calendars have baby in them. And some do.

KAYLA: And the ones that do have 25 babies in them.

SARAH: It’s like you think you’re going to get chocolate, but no. Baby.

KAYLA: Baby. 25 days. New baby. Babies come from - forgot again. What were you saying?

SARAH: I was asking you what you were saying.

KAYLA: I know! Oh, I remember! Going along with how babies come from the Bad Place, one of the reasons that they pump out so many babies is that in the Good Place, or heaven, the angels have a swear jar. But it’s not actually a swear jar, it’s a baby jar. So every time they swear, the bad place gets to make a baby. So it’s a mixture of the Bad Place making a lot of babies and sometimes the angels do be swear a lot. 

SARAH: They do fuck it up. Yeah. Babies come from Build-A-Bear.

KAYLA: That’s a very good one and also a little bit eugenics again.

SARAH: Yeah I always love those videos where a service dog goes to Build-A-Bear. And then they get to make a Build-A-Bear and they get to-

KAYLA: You just love Build-A-Bear.

SARAH: (laughing) You put the little heart in em.

KAYLA: The heart is so good. I had a birthday party at Build-A-Bear once because I just love Build-A-Bear and I never got to go. One year I was like, it needs to be my birthday and it was a whole thing we did for my birthday. It was so good. 

SARAH: Great.

KAYLA: Babies come from - you know how at those souvenir shops there’ll be those little things you can buy, a bunch of rocks? If you do the round enough, there’ll also be little babies you can buy and put in your bag that you can take home.

SARAH: Oh. You know, I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier. One time my cousin bought a bag of babies on Amazon.

KAYLA: Oh I love those.

SARAH: If you really want babies, you can buy them on Amazon, they’ll come in two days.

KAYLA: You know what I just realized - forever ago when I said it’s raining men, but babies. It’s just a baby shower! Idiot.

SARAH: (laughing) Why didn’t you just say that.

KAYLA: I just thought of it. I feel stupid. I ruined the whole episode.

SARAH: Oh no.

KAYLA: I’m so angry.

SARAH: Is it a baby shower or is it a baby sprinkle?

KAYLA: I don’t like when you say baby sprinkle because it makes me think of a baby tinkling. 

SARAH: Ew. Well, I was just using it to reference Schitt’s Creek again, which made me think of Succession again because they were referring to Sarah Sprinkles in the Discord recently and I was like, “what am I? Greg Sprinkle?” And then someone changed the GIF so that it said Sarah Sprinkles. It was great.

KAYLA: Do you want to hear a story about a baby?

SARAH: No.

KAYLA: Too bad. I guess he wasn’t a baby, he was a young child. But my youngest cousin, one time one of my older cousins was helping him go to the bathroom because he was a child and he needed help. So he was sitting on a toilet and looking down into the toilet. My cousin was like, “why are you doing that? Just look straight ahead.” So he looked straight ahead but moved his body. So he accidentally peed all over her. 

SARAH: What does that have to do with-?

KAYLA: “Baby sprinkle” made me think of that I don’t know. 

SARAH: (singing) I hate it.

(45:00)

SARAH: Let’s each do one more.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: They don’t have to be good. I’m going to keep the bar low.

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: When fireworks go off, baby just comes out of it.

KAYLA: I don’t like it. When you play the Game of Life, and you put the little children in your car, when you draw the card that’s like, “you have a baby?” Every time you do that, those little tiny pieces grow into a baby.

SARAH: And that’s why you’re always like, “I’m wondering - how do I keep losing all these people?” in the Game of Life - it’s because they’re growing into babies.

KAYLA: One last one is there’s a way to grow a baby. You know how those little toys or towels you put into water and they expand? You get one of those, and there’s some that you buy that can expand into baby. 

SARAH: Yeah. I think what we’ve discovered is that babies do not come from sex expect with Chad. 

KAYLA: Chad is the only person who can make baby through sex with you. And so there’s a lot of demand for Chad I’m not going to lie.

SARAH: He’s a popular kid.

KAYLA: A lot of people want to have babies with him. 
SARAH: I mean he’s the quarterback are you kidding? He’s popular. 

KAYLA: It’s true. 

SARAH: So, that’s good to consider. Kayla, what’s our poll for this week?

KAYLA: Dear god. 

SARAH: Where do babies come from? Kmart…

KAYLA: Maybe we should make it an open one. Where do babies come from: wrong answers only.

SARAH: Yeah that’s a good idea. Make it open-ended. Get some options from our listeners. 

KAYLA: I want to hear what they think.

SARAH: I also want that. Alright. Kayla, what is your beef and your juice this week?

KAYLA: Oh god. My beef is-

SARAH: Do you want me to go?

KAYLA: Yeah.

SARAH: My beef is that my back just keeps hurting. My juice is that Animal Crossing characters don’t have boobs. I think that’s great. I didn’t even realize that today. But, they just don’t have boobs. And that’s just wonderful.

KAYLA: They don’t really have a butt either. 

SARAH: No and they’re not sexualized in any way really. They’re just little chunks of people. Also on Animal Crossing, I can wear a beanie without it looking dumb because of my big, big forehead and my thin, thin hair. 

KAYLA: So proud of you.

SARAH: So it’s great and I can beanie vicariously through Animal Crossing and I do constantly.

KAYLA: I do a lot of outfits vicariously through Animal Crossing, it’s very exciting.

SARAH: My one beef with outfits on Animal Crossing is that I wish they were more high-waisted or would tuck into things, but here we are.

KAYLA: What are you going to do? My beef is just I guess I had a lot to do this week and a lot of talking to people. Which I’m not used to these days because quarantine and so I get very overstimulated and sleepy when I can’t just sit on the couch all day.

SARAH: I took a nap at lunch today.

KAYLA: Good. My juice would be is that I redid my desk setup. I changed it so now I face a window so I have nice things to look at. I have my pretty keyboard, I put some colors on my desk so it looks nice. So the cat used to have a spot behind me next to the window so she could sit. But then I moved away from there so she’s sad, so I set up a little chair for her and a blanket so now she sits there. And it’s very cute, she comes to work with me.

SARAH: Aw, that’s very cute. Oh, I have another great piece of news. There’s a dog at this shelter in Mid Michigan, I think it’s called New Hope Shelter. And there’s this dog, her name is Emmy Lou, and she’s been looking for a forever home for a really long time. And my sister kept tagging me in all of the pictures and I love her so much but I couldn’t get her. Also because this is very important - my first dog, first of all, is going to be a pitbull, which is what Emmy Lou is. Also, my first dog is going to be named Remy and her middle name is going to be Louise after my dog Sadie of course. And Emmy Lou is already basically Remy Louise and I was like, “it’s a sign” but also I can’t have this dog. But she had been up for adoption for a really long time and she finally found her forever home.

(45:00)

KAYLA: Yay. I have another one and then I forgot. Please hold.

SARAH: Okay!

KAYLA: I don’t know.

SARAH: Okay! Well, you can tell us about your beef, your juice, the way you believe babies are made on our social media @soundsfakepod. Oh, my juice the painting that Elle made.

KAYLA: Oh my god, so good. Wait that reminds me of my other one.

SARAH: What?

KAYLA: It’s that Twitter is finally starting to verify ace people. 

SARAH: Yes, Twitter has verified Yasmin.

KAYLA: Yes, and now they need to do more. 

SARAH: Do AVEN next.

KAYLA: Yes, Elle’s drawing is amazing.

SARAH: Makes my teeth look so white. I sent it to my mom and I was like, “look how red my hair looks in this, doesn’t it make you happy” because my mom has red hair and she really wanted a kid with red hair and she did not.

KAYLA: Me too honestly.

SARAH: Anyway. @soundsfakepod everywhere. We also have a Patreon. patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We have been getting transcripts up on our website. 

KAYLA: Slowly but surely.

SARAH: Slowly but surely they are happening. If you want to read us instead of hearing our voices. So thank you to our patrons for making that happen. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Derrick and Carissa, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, Ashlynn Boedecker, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber. And I would like to just give a personal apology to Ashlynn Boedecker, SOUP, and Amanda Kyker because you guys have been patrons and I have not been reading your names.

KAYLA: We’re very sorry.

SARAH: Thank you to SOUP for pointing this out in the Discord.

KAYLA: Thank you SOUP!

SARAH: Very sorry to all of you. Truly was not intentional. Thank you for your support, and thank you to Rory as well, who’s a new patron.

KAYLA: Yayyy!

SARAH:  Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa who would like to promote @DirtyUncleKevin, @tessa_m_k, Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop games, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote her dog’s Instagram @minniemuffin19, Purple Chickadee who would like to promote Initiative: Eau, H. Valdís, and Barefoot Backpacker who was a $5 and bumped up to 10, thank you very much, our dearest, dearest, Barefoot Backpacker. And he would like to promote the Biggest Book of Yes. Don’t know what this is. You were the one who talked to him about it.

KAYLA: It’s probably a book, I don’t know. That’s what he wanted to promote and I said “you got it.”

SARAH: Cool! Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Dia Chappell who would like to promote the Underrealm series by Garret Robinson, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote mental health and Dragonfly who would like to promote waiting until your co-host finishes eating cereal before she calls you back. Because last time you complained that you didn’t like hearing the chewing sounds.

KAYLA: It was really loud. Your mouth is right next to your headphones. It’s not like you have your phone away from you. It’s right there.

SARAH: So this time I waited until I was no longer chewing. And Kayla answered the phone. And the first thing I said was, “I’m done chewing.”

KAYLA: You’re making it sound like I’m a very evil person. First of all, I didn’t complain that much. And second, it’s not like I told you “don’t call me when you’re chewing.” 

SARAH: I was being thoughtful.

KAYLA: Wow we love a thoughtful friend.

SARAH: Thank you for listening. Tune in Sunday for more of us in your ears and our last guest in Au-guest.

KAYLA: But not ever. Okay bye - take care of your cows. It kind of got fucked up in this one.

SARAH: Yeah but just take care of them.

KAYLA: Okay bye.