Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 148: 46 Unsexy Things to Do in Bed
Hey what's up hello! For some reason, everyone thinks of the bed as a super sexy place. But what if you don't want to be sexy in bed? What if you want to do something else? Well, here are 46 unsexy things that you can do in a bed.
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SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: unsexy things to do in bed.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: M’arsupial.
SARAH: Mm. That’s a choice.
KAYLA: Thank you. Just came up with it.
SARAH: M’mm.
KAYLA: No. Absolutely not.
SARAH: Well, I did my best.
KAYLA: Before you say anything, Sarah, if you’re listening to this on Sunday, stop it. Stop what you’re doing and instead go listen to us at the Asexuality Conference. And then come back. You must come back though.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: You do have to come back. If you’re listening to this on Sunday, it’s very possible that at this very moment we are speaking at the Asexuality Conference, which you can see online.
SARAH: You sure can. So, go do that and come back.
KAYLA: That’s all. And for us, it’s Wednesday. And who’s to say what happened. From now till then.
SARAH: Who’s to say. Okay, now that everyone’s back, can we get started?
KAYLA: Yeah, just give em a second to shuffle in.
SARAH: Everyone making it in okay?
KAYLA: I think they’re all in.
SARAH: Okay cool. What are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week - was this your idea?
SARAH: This was from the Discord. I don’t remember who in the Discord said it.
KAYLA: Honestly all of our ideas come from the Discord at this point. Why are they not running this podcast?
SARAH: Great question.
KAYLA: I don’t know. I do not know. But this week, another classic. Talking about some unsexy things you can do in bed. Maybe, you are not someone who likes sex. And you want to hang out with your friend in the bed, but you really don’t want to give them that vibe. Or maybe someone thinks you’re giving them a vibe and you want to find a way to be like, “here, that is not what I want. These are some options.”
SARAH: And I think oftentimes in our society people see bed and they think, “sex.” Well okay, that's not the purpose of the bed.
KAYLA: The purpose is to sleep.
SARAH: Yeah, so, let’s reconsider this. And I would also like to know that when we're talking about unsexy things to do in bed, it's worth noting that our society's conception of sexy is that sexy equals good and not equals bad. And I reject this premise. However, if society wants me to play by its rules then fine. I will and I will come up with as many traditionally unsexy things to do in a bed as possible. And that’s what we’re doing.
KAYLA: And we’re not saying if we say something and you personally find it sexy, that is completely fine. These are just things that me and Sarah personally — and you know, the norm probably — don’t find sexy. But you do you, my guy.
SARAH: Kayla, I assume you have nothing prepared.
KAYLA: I have two.
SARAH: Wow I have 24.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: (laughing) Would you like to go first?
KAYLA: I would love to. My first one is that you can sit in your bed and it happens to be lofted, and reach your foot across the room to where your roommate is in their lofted bed and then they reach their foot out and you do a foot five. And that is in a bed and I don’t think it’s very sexy.
SARAH: Did we ever do that?
KAYLA: Yes and for some reason, I have like a vivid memory of it
SARAH: I don't.
KAYLA: It was early in the morning or late at night but we were both up in our lofted beds in our college dorm and we decided that we needed to stretch our feet all the way across the room to touch feet.
SARAH: Which tells you about the size of our dorm room. And we had a pretty big dorm room.
KAYLA: Comparatively, pretty big. We had a whole two-foot living room.
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: Anyway, I would say it’s romantic, but I wouldn’t say it’s sexy.
SARAH: Yeah, and that could very well be romantic.
KAYLA: And it was, it was very romantic.
SARAH: It was very romantic. I don’t remember, but I’m sure it was.
KAYLA: Well, I remember it.
SARAH: Okay. I think an unsexy thing to do in a bed is to clip your toenails.
KAYLA: Oh god.
SARAH: Unfortunately I believe I have done this and I would not recommend it.
KAYLA: Because then all the clippings are there.
SARAH: Right. I don’t think the bed is the best form for this. Because even if you think you’re being very careful, you're going to end up with a toenail in your bed.
(5:00)
KAYLA: They're going to get in there. That’s gross.
SARAH: But if you must do it, it would be decidedly unsexy.
KAYLA: I agree. I think another unsexy thing you could do in bed is eat an onion as if it is an apple.
SARAH: Ah I see.
KAYLA: It's just stinky and also I feel like watching someone eating an onion raw and like that would be very disconcerting.
SARAH: And little pieces of onions might just fall off if you’re eating it like an apple.
KAYLA: It’s messy.
SARAH: Yeah, messy. Another extremely unsexy thing to do in a bed is to build a Yoda made out of Legos. I personally would find this very frustrating not only because you're building a Yoda out of Legos but you’re doing it on a soft surface. Frustration isn't sexy.
KAYLA: I mean it probably is for some people.
SARAH: As soon as I said it, I was like, “why’d I phrase it like that?” I just think building a yoga - a yoga whoa - building a Yoda out of Legos, on a bed, is not sexy.
KAYLA: You need a hard surface to build Legos for sure. Another unsexy thing I think is doing your statistics homework. I hate statistics. So this is just not for me personally.
SARAH: I mean one is with my number 15, but it's related so I'm going to say it. Unsexy thing to do in a bed - calculus.
KAYLA: Exactly.
SARAH: Just mathematics in general.
KAYLA: Not good. Not fun. I think watching basketball on your computer in bed isn’t sexy because sometimes your partner is trying to sleep and they have work tomorrow, and the light’s kinda bright, Dean.
SARAH: I was going to say I have a feeling this is definitely at Dean.
KAYLA: I also just don’t like basketball at all and he’s very jazzed about sports being back and he keeps asking me, “oh did you hear about this in basketball?” No, obviously I didn’t. Sports. My answer is “sports.” Sports are not sexy in bed. Well, I feel there’s a way you could twist that.
SARAH: Well I saw on Twitter yesterday was like “Clippers at whatever” and I was like no one's at anyone. They’re in a fucking bubble in Orlando.
KAYLA: They’re just at Disney.
SARAH: They’re just at Disney. Clippers at Disney. What the fuck? How do you decide if it’s a home game or not?
KAYLA: That’s nothing.
SARAH: It’s never a home game and it’s never an away game.
KAYLA: They’re all away games really.
SARAH: Yeah. I think an unsexy thing to do in bed is to eat oatmeal with your hands a la Ron Weasley in Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles and if you’re not familiar with Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, familiarize yourself with it immediately - it is crucial that you know.
KAYLA: The best fanfiction of all time. Did I write an entire research paper on it? Obviously.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Why wouldn’t I have?
SARAH: One of the greatest scenes in it involves Ron Weasley eating oatmeal just with his hands.
KAYLA: I feel like there are some people that would think that’s sexy though if they like doing food things in bed.
SARAH: Well. In the context of it, he was just shoving food in his mouth.
KAYLA: Yeah it wasn’t pretty.
SARAH: It was not like “oooh I’m putting this oatmeal in my mouth” it was like (roaring) “I DON’T HAVE A UTENSIL.”
KAYLA: That’s fair. I think an unsexy thing you can do is fill out a ballot for Donald Trump.
SARAH: Oh yeah that’d be so unsexy.
KAYLA: That’d be disgusting. Actually. Have you heard this song by these three southern women called “Real Women Vote for Trump?”
SARAH: I think I’ve heard bits and pieces of it but I would not want to subject myself to the whole thing.
KAYLA: Okay but here’s the thing. I’ve been hearing it a lot because people are making fun of Republicans on Tik Tok with it because obviously. And I know I saw some jokes about like, “me very liberal in my car by myself like singing it “and I was like “haha” and then but yesterday I just started singing it because it is really catchy when you hear it a bunch of times. I was just singing it to my dad.
(10:00)
SARAH: Gigantic RIP. Oh no.
KAYLA: Wasn’t great.
SARAH: Honestly my next one also has similar vibes. I think a very unsexy thing to do in bed is to watch that video of Ben Shapiro reading the lyrics of WAP.
KAYLA: (laughing) Oh my god. So bad.
SARAH: Like him just reading it where he’s like, “wet ass p-word.”
KAYLA: You have to feel bad for this man’s wife.
SARAH: It’s insane.
KAYLA: It’s so bad.
SARAH: I mean, look. Maybe he and his wife don’t have sex and that’s their prerogative. As long as they’re both okay with that, and you know what, Ben Shapiro, if you identify as asexual, I will support your sexuality and nothing else about you. He would really hurt the community.
KAYLA: He would be so bad for the community. He’d be so bad. I keep waiting. There’s going to be some problematic person that starts identifying as ace one of these days. And it’s going to be tough. It’s going to be bad for all of us.
SARAH: I love that for us.
KAYLA: I think and unsexy thing to do in bed is change a baby's diaper. And I feel like people do do this - like if you don't have a changing table, you put down one of those pads and you do it and I'm not saying you can't do it, I just don't think it's very sexy. Do I understand that some people like pooping and peeing during intercourse? I understand that on an intellectual level. But if you’re going to add a baby to that, that’s disgusting and you have a problem.
SARAH: Yeah okay. I have two things that are actually related to that that I’m going to move up in my list. So, I think that anything that involves a child, and I’m not talking making a child, I’m talking human child. Anything that involves a child in a bed is not sexy. It’s involving a child. Don’t get a child involved in your sex things.
KAYLA: No no.
SARAH: That’s a child. That’s a small human being. I would really rather you not. My other related one to that is cleaning up dog poop or human poop.
KAYLA: In bed?
SARAH: Yeah yeah yeah. Any kind of poop in the bed is not particularly sexy in my opinion. I don’t know your life but I’m just thinking of the process of having to clean that up sounds really really unsexy to me.
KAYLA: Yeah I could imagine that people who do like excrements during sex - definitely the worst part is that when it’s over and you’re not in the moment and you do have to clean all of that up. That must be a huge bummer.
SARAH: Isn’t that just a bummer with sex in general? Afterwards you’re like, “ew I’m gross now.”
KAYLA: Yes but I do think shit is a little worse than sweat you know? That’s just sweat.
SARAH: Yeah. Eww. Sweat and other bodily fluids.
KAYLA: Yeah. We don’t like it. I think another unsexy thing to do is care for your elderly grandparent.
SARAH: It’s a very nice thing to do. But it’s not sexy.
KAYLA: I don’t think it’s sexy.
SARAH: I don’t think you should have sex with your elderly grandparents.
KAYLA: Unless you’re into that I guess. But if it’s your grandparent, that’s weird. Someone else’s grandparent, I guess that’s your business. But not your own.
SARAH: Yeah. Do another one cause I did two in a row.
KAYLA: Oh god. Okay. I think an exorcism.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But I feel like it’s a very intense event so maybe some people would be aroused by that. But I personally would think it’s scary.
SARAH: It could be an intense event in the sense that it’s very intimate. But intimate doesn’t have to mean sexual.
KAYLA: It doesn’t have to, but I can imagine that there’s someone out there. Once one’s sense is heightened. It’s like, did you know that it’s proven that if you’re in a scary or intense situation with someone, you are more likely to be attracted to them.
SARAH: Yes because you’re body’s like - mahhh.
KAYLA: Adrenaline. So I could see - but also I think it’s scary.
SARAH: Good luck transcribing that one. The noise I just made.
KAYLA: Sorry Padya.
SARAH: Sorry.
SARAH: I think an unsexy thing to do in bed is to have COVID. I don’t think that having COVID is very sexy no matter where you do it. Although, I will note that having COVID in a bed is sexier than having COVID in a grocery store.
KAYLA: True. That’s very true.
SARAH: But I think COVID is generally to be avoided whenever possible.
KAYLA: Not sexy.
(15:00)
SARAH: It’s not sexy. Let’s not sexualize COVID-19.
KAYLA: I think an unsexy thing to do in bed is record an asexuality podcast with your friend.
SARAH: Yeah, we’ve done that many times.
KAYLA: We used to record laying down in Sarah’s bed, or my bed.
SARAH: Both of our beds have seen some podcast action.
KAYLA: It wasn’t sexy. But also why were we laying down? I don’t know.
SARAH: Well we started sitting up.
KAYLA: Very slowly.
SARAH: I think an unsexy thing to do in bed is fencing. I think it would be very hard to fence on a bed given the space constraints and also the squishiness. First of all, you wouldn’t be able to follow the rules properly because you don’t have enough space. The squishiness makes it really hard like you wouldn’t be able to follow the standard rules. There’s no room for sexy because you’re too busy fencing.
KAYLA: And you’re also very covered. So if you wanted to have sexy you’d have to take off the helmet, take off the thing. Let’s all be honest. When we think of fencing we do think of Parent Trap, the iconic Lindsay Lohan movie and that’s two twins.
SARAH: I forgot there was fencing in there.
KAYLA: Oh, is there.
SARAH: I mostly think about that one fencer who’s a hijabi.
KAYLA: Oh sure.
SARAH: I don’t know why that comes to mind.
KAYLA: Tag yourself which Parent Trap twin are you? We’ve had this discussion before.
SARAH: I’m the California one, apparently.
KAYLA: Yeah we’ve had this.
SARAH: (sighing) I know.
KAYLA: You seem displeased about it.
SARAH: I don’t know I feel like I’m being relegated to California automatically just because I live in California.
KAYLA: I guess but also-
SARAH: If I’m going to be the California twin that’s fine, but I need solid evidence.
KAYLA: I guess we can have a further discussion about it. I’ll need to watch the movie again. I haven’t watched it in a while.
SARAH: Let’s go on a date where we watch the movie.
KAYLA: Can we please? I’m doing nothing on the weekend.
SARAH: Perfect.
KAYLA: Kay. Sounds good. We’ll get back to you guys. Excellent. I think it’s not very sexy to do origami in bed because I feel like it takes a lot of focus. You definitely can do it in bed, but if I was doing origami and someone came up to me and was like, “time to sex,” I’d be like, I’m busy and this is very intricate.
SARAH: Like it’s either very distracted sexing or very distracted origami. Either way, there’s something that’s not going to really be great.
KAYLA: Plus it’s paper and if it gets sweaty it’s not going to look good. You just can’t mix those things.
SARAH: Yeah. You can’t. Another really unsexy thing to do in bed is cut your dog’s toenails.
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: Have you seen that Tik Tok? It’s my favorite video, I’ve seen it so many times. Where they’re holding a dog over a bathtub -
KAYLA: Oh, yes I might have.
SARAH: Did I send it to you? I might have. Anyway. It’s the one where they’re holding a dog over a bathtub and they go, “well Mr. Bond, you must choose: get your toenails clipped or perish in the river below.”
KAYLA: And the dog just sticks out its little hand and is like, “fine.” It is very good. I don’t think it is very sexy to get a nose surgery in bed. Because from what I understand of nose surgery, it's very bloody I think and usually, after people get it they're very bruised and they look like they've been simply beat up, which isn’t very sexy.
SARAH: When people get nose jobs, immediately afterwards it looks like you got into a fight with a horse.
KAYLA: Looks very bad. I would be so worried if I got a nose job because you wouldn’t know for weeks if it looks like what you wanted because even when it’s not all bruised, it’s puffy. What would I do?
SARAH: Also, guys. All noses are great. Except mine. I’m kidding.
KAYLA: Alrighty. I recently realized that my nose is crooked and it’s really been bothering me.
SARAH: All of our noses do what they’re supposed to. Unless you can’t smell anything. Then I guess it doesn’t.
(20:00)
KAYLA: Should I get a nose ring?
SARAH: You’ve already asked me. Ask the people.
KAYLA: I’m asking them. Ma’am.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Should I get a nose ring?
SARAH: Should she?
KAYLA: Let me know. Should I?
SARAH: (laughing) For the record that’s Kayla asking if she should get a nose ring. For those of you who can’t tell our voices apart.
KAYLA: Sarah would never.
SARAH: If I did it would be my second piercing.
KAYLA: I was like, “mom should I get a nose piercing?” and she was very upset. She didn’t like it.
SARAH: I think another unsexy thing to do in bed is taxidermy. Specifically — I think all taxidermy in bed is probably unsexy but I think specifically quite unsexy would be taxidermy of your dead pet mouse.
KAYLA: Why that specifically?
SARAH: That’s your pet and it died.
KAYLA: Why your pet mouse?
SARAH: It could be a pet rat, a hamster, a gerbil.
KAYLA: Why are we doing rodents though?
SARAH: A small bird?
KAYLA: Why is this happening? Why?
SARAH: A deer that you domesticated in your backyard.
KAYLA: What about a dog or a cat? You know, a normal pet.
SARAH: I forgot those could be taxidermied.
KAYLA: Can you taxidermy a fish?
SARAH: Hmmm...I don’t know.
KAYLA: Asking for a friend.
SARAH: I just thought about that taxidermy ad that went viral in 2010.
KAYLA: I do not remember.
SARAH: But I cannot remember a single thing about it except that it was a guy and he just popped up with the taxidermy animal and said something — this is a really good description of an advertisement. Kayla, what else do you find unsexy to do in a bed?
KAYLA: I think it’s unsexy to - I don’t know what it’s called. When you skin a fish - what’s it called when you skin a fish and you get all the scales off?
SARAH: You descale the fish?
KAYLA: But then you have to take its bones out? It’s so stinky and very messy because you have to take all the stuff apart. That’s gross. You don’t need that in your bed. That’s stinky.
SARAH: Yeah, that’s not super sexy for a bed. Also whatever the liquids and smells came out of the fish, what if it got in your mattress? And then your mattress smells like fish.
KAYLA: You really have to wash those smells out.
SARAH: Yeah. Another thing that’s very unsexy to do in bed is fascism.
KAYLA: (laughing) Okay. How do you do fascism in a bed?
SARAH: You just be fascist. I would argue that every time Donald Trump gets in a bed it’s pretty fascist.
KAYLA: Yeah. I’m just trying to think of the most fascist way to get in a bed. Like what action is that?
SARAH: You make people carry you?
KAYLA: Do you like “heil Hitler” and then get in bed?
SARAH: You force people to carry you into your bed that was paid for with taxpayer dollars. And the people that you force to carry you into your bed are people who you installed into the government illegally to serve your own purposes.
KAYLA: Yeah I guess that’s pretty fascist huh.
SARAH: Pretty fascist.
KAYLA: I think it would be unsexy to create a stop-motion movie in your bed because again-
SARAH: Yeah. It’s a lot of work.
KAYLA: It’s a lot of work and a lot of times it’s out of clay and if someone jumps on your bed and smushes your clay figure you have to start all over again and that’s a mood killer.
SARAH: Or even if they just mess up your scene. You have to re-do shit.
KAYLA: You have to start all over, that’s awful. That’s really bad.
SARAH: Horrible.
KAYLA: I feel like we’ve talked about stop-motion in one of these episodes before.
SARAH: Yeah I don’t know why it keeps coming up.
KAYLA: I couldn’t tell you.
SARAH: I think a really unsexy thing to do in bed is be a boss babe working for an MLM from your phone. You can do your work from your bed Kayla.
KAYLA: Did you see - I don’t remember if it was a tweet or what. But usually someone in a pyramid scheme texts you and is like, “Hey girly!” Someone sent someone a voice message instead. And it was just on a whole other level.
SARAH: Was it on Snapchat?
KAYLA: I don’t know.
(25:00)
SARAH: I saw something on Twitter that was a video of a Snapchat voice recording that someone was like, I’ve never talked to this person, and I didn’t actually listen to it so I don’t know what it said.
KAYLA: I don’t know. Maybe.
SARAH: Either way. One of our family friends recently joined MLM.
KAYLA: No. Stop that. Put that away.
SARAH: And she has a child and she’s pregnant. So….great.
KAYLA: I think it’s probably pretty unsexy to cook chili because you would need to get a whole burner or portable grill and I feel like chili can be pretty messy and also stain a lot of things. Eating chili in bed might be fun and sexy but I don’t think making it is the right call.
SARAH: Yeah. I even think eating chili in bed could be dangerous.
KAYLA: Oh for sure.
SARAH: Unless you have a waterproof something just to keep that chili. from soaking into your bed
KAYLA: True. That’s true.
SARAH: Yeah. I think another very unsexy thing to do in a bed is to read Ayn Rand.
KAYLA: I don’t know what that is.
SARAH: She’s an author and she wrote Atlas Shrugged and she wrote - oh what was the other book she wrote - The Fountainhead. And they’re very very long books. I’ve never read them. They’re very long and the American conservatism and libertarianism is based on a lot of those books.
KAYLA: Oh good.
SARAH: So I don’t think it’s very sexy.
KAYLA: No that doesn’t sound very sexy. I think watching Dr. Phil probably be very sexy.
SARAH: Ugh.
KAYLA: Because he’s kind of wild-looking and kind of rude and awful. So that doesn’t seem like a real mood-setter.
SARAH: I feel the same way about Dr. Phil that I feel about Steve Harvey.
KAYLA: Really?
SARAH: I maybe even hate him more because he’s kind of conning people.
KAYLA: I definitely hate Dr. Phil more than I hate Steve Harvey. At least Steve Harvey is funny on Family Feud. His talk show is kinda weird.
SARAH: I think visually they both give me the same gut reaction.
KAYLA: Visually, I understand. They both have very exaggerated features.
SARAH: It’s the mustache. It is really the mustache.
KAYLA: The mustache is what is what is exaggerated, that’s true.
SARAH: I do think generally Dr. Phil is a worse person. But in terms of the I don’t want to be within 20 feet of this person I think it applies to both of them.
KAYLA: That’s fair.
SARAH: Another unsexy thing to do in bed is to watch that scene from Avengers: Age of Ultron when Natasha is like, “I’m a monster because I can’t have kids” and Bruce is like, “I’m a monster because I’m big and green, let’s kiss’ because literally nothing is less sexy than that.
KAYLA: That made no sense. That was nothing. I bet acupuncture is pretty unsexy. I’ve never tried it. I’ve always wanted to because I think it would help a lot of the body issues that I have.
SARAH: I was listening to the Golden Ratio podcast this morning about dog acupuncture.
KAYLA: Apparently it can really fix some shit.
SARAH: And they don’t even really know why but studies show that it works.
KAYLA: It’s like one of those ancient medicine things that we’ve been doing for millions of years and it just does the working.
SARAH: I personally wouldn’t want to stick a bunch of needles into my body for no reason - I mean it is for a reason - but, I’m not afraid of needles or anything, but I guess it depends on what part of my body it is.
KAYLA: I would need it in my neck. I have a lot of issues.
SARAH: No that’s not allowed. What about your arm? Or your leg? That would be fine.
KAYLA: Yeah but my neck has a lot of issues.
SARAH: I mean I think that arm and leg are the two places you’re least likely to need acupuncture in.
KAYLA: But I think it probably wouldn’t be very sexy because even if it ends up feeling good it’s like you can’t move. They put needles in you and you have to sit very still.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: No one can touch you. What’s sexy about that?
SARAH: I mean, St. Patrick - when he was getting his dog acupuncture done he fell asleep. So.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And then he gets sleep zoomies while he’s being acupunctured.
KAYLA: Oh my dog does that. Oh sir you can’t do that, the needles would go everywhere.
(30:00)
SARAH: It was actually okay because of where the needles were. Listen he has so much arthritis. Sorry, this is becoming a Golden Ratio stan podcast. I think something not sexy to do in bed is blue cheese.
KAYLA: Ugh. God blue cheese. So gross.
SARAH: I’ve never had it and I don’t want to, I don’t think it’s sexy. Blue cheese is not sexy, final answer.
KAYLA: You know what’s never sexy, and especially in bed, is eating a hard shell taco. Because it just fucking breaks. I don’t know if there’s a single person on earth that can effectively eat a hard shell taco. I would like to see it. Because the shell just cracks and all your stuff falls out and especially if you’re in a bed, that’s no good.
SARAH: Even if the shell’s kind of moist, that’s not sexy.
KAYLA: No. That’s so bad. Just like, if you want it to be crunchy put some chips in there I just can’t.
SARAH: I mean I like to eat hard shell taco shells as chips.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: They’re good.
KAYLA: Why don’t you eat - it’s just a chip, Sarah. Of course, it’s good. It’s just a tortilla chip.
SARAH: But it’s different.
KAYLA: No it’s not.
SARAH: It tastes different.
KAYLA: Does it?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: There’s no salt but it somehow is still okay. Anyway, I think an unsexy thing to do is to spill hot squash soup in your bed.
KAYLA: I don’t think squashes are very sexy.
SARAH: Especially hot squash soup.
KAYLA: That doesn’t sound good either. I’m not a squash fan, to be fair.
SARAH: I was once forced, again in a situation where I had to eat it to be polite, I was forced into a situation where I had to eat a pumpkin soup, and it was so bad.
KAYLA: Yeah I don’t think I could do that.
SARAH: It was dinner. And I was like, “well I guess I’m going hungry.”
KAYLA: That makes me think that I think carving a pumpkin wouldn’t be very sexy.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: Cause there’s lots of sharp things.
SARAH: And like slimy in a gross way.
KAYLA: Slimy, sticky, stinky.
SARAH: You get that stuff all up in your bed.
KAYLA: Yeah it’s not good.
SARAH: Another unsexual - unsexy, unsexual, well either way, same thing - to do in bed is to say the word “nuptials” aloud.
KAYLA: I don’t think that’s that bad of a word.
SARAH: Nuptials?
KAYLA: There’s a lot of worse words out there.
SARAH: I don’t like it.
KAYLA: Yeah, but there’s a lot of words I would like to hear less.
SARAH: For example?
KAYLA: Um. I don’t know.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: I just don’t have a gut reaction to that word that’s bad.
SARAH: I don’t like nuptials. I like “weddings.” But I don’t like nuptials.
KAYLA: Okay. I don’t think it’d be very sexy to make one of those very tiny dollhouses. Do you know the ones I’m talking about?
SARAH: No but I can imagine.
KAYLA: They’re so small that you have to use tweezers to put them together and they’re teeny tiny Polly Pocket size. I don’t think that’d be very sexy to do in bed because again lots of focus and and also lots of very small parts.
SARAH: Tedial, man.
KAYLA: You’re not going to feel good about it.
SARAH: No and then you won’t be feeling very sexy at all.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Another unsexy thing to do in bed is to encourage environmentally damaging consumerism. That’s just so not sexy.
KAYLA: And how would you do that in a bed?
SARAH: Well you could tweet from your tweet and be like, “Hey everyone you should buy these things that you don’t need that were made unethically by underpaid people in Bangladesh. And also, they cut down the Amazon to make this.”
KAYLA: That’s not very sexy.
SARAH: Not sexy at all.
KAYLA: I don’t think taking a depression nap in your bed is very sexy.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: I don’t think that’s very cute at all.
SARAH: I can relate though.
KAYLA: I mean, same. But - are you eating a pepper?
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: I can just hear it crunching.
SARAH: I don’t think the listeners can though.
KAYLA: I hope they can.
SARAH: I’m keeping my face away from the microphone as I’m chewing.
KAYLA: Some pepper ASMR.
SARAH: I finished chewing.
KAYLA: I really hope they can hear it.
(35:00)
SARAH: I think an unsexy thing to do is to be aphobic. Being aphobic is super unsexy and if your whole thing about aphobic is, “oh everyone should one sex, if you don’t you’re broken,” let me tell you bud. Your attitude will make you so unsexy that no one will ever want to have sex with you again. So you just shot yourself in the fucking foot.
KAYLA: Also, what a buzzkill and mood killer to be like, “sexy time, going to do some sex,” and all of a sudden the person just starts being aphobic.
SARAH: Yeah what if they’re just like, “wait just checking. You don’t support asexual people. Right?” Otherwise, we can’t fuck.
KAYLA: And I’d be like, “good. I don’t want to anyway.”
SARAH: I don’t want to get it on with someone who’s aphobic. Get out me house.
KAYLA: Get out me house.
SARAH: Can I go straight into another one that’s related to that?
KAYLA: If you must.
SARAH: So speaking of shooting yourself in the foot, you know what else you can do from a bed, that I wouldn’t suggest you do from a bed because it’s super not sexy, support the NRA.
KAYLA: Yeah. Not sexy at all.
SARAH: Not sexy, and one could say, maybe a little bit phallic, but not sexy.
KAYLA: I mean I guess.
SARAH: Phallic and sexy are not synonyms.
KAYLA: I don’t know that it is very phallic.
SARAH: A gun?
KAYLA: I mean vaguely I guess. In the same way that a pencil is phallic.
SARAH: Well but it’s also like a power thing and you’re shooting something out of the gun, you know?
KAYLA: Oh I guess I didn’t think about that.
SARAH: You don’t shoot something out of a pencil.
KAYLA: I could-
SARAH: Seems difficult.
KAYLA: If it’s a mechanical pencil.
SARAH: That’s true. You’re very powerful.
KAYLA: I think another unsexy thing to do in bed is commit arson.
SARAH: In bed?
KAYLA: Yeah then you don’t have a bed anymore.
SARAH: You burn the bed down? Mattresses are expensive dude.
KAYLA: Yeah that’s why it’s not very sexy. Exactly. Then you lost your bed.
SARAH: Not bed arson.
KAYLA: That’s my least favorite kind of arson. Some arson I will tolerate. Not that arson.
SARAH: Uh-huh. Got it.
KAYLA: I had a second one.
SARAH: Good cause you were supposed to give me a second one. I did two in a row.
KAYLA: I know. That’s why - and I had it. Oh. I don’t think doing stonks in bed is very sexy.
SARAH: I’m sorry?
KAYLA: Stonks? The stonk market?
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: Have you not seen the stonk meme?
SARAH: I know the meme. I didn’t know what you meant by doing stonks.
KAYLA: I don’t know, just like, looking at them. I don’t know how. I don’t know.
SARAH: Trading from the floor of Wall Street.
KAYLA: You can do it on your phone.
SARAH: I know. But I’m just imagining Wall Street -
KAYLA: I have noooo idea how stonks work.
SARAH: Imagine if you had to be on Wall Street to trade stonks. I mean that used to be the way I guess. For Wall Street stonks at least.
KAYLA: It still was that way. What are they doing now that COVID if they can’t stand in that room and yell at each other?
SARAH: Well you don’t have to stand in that room and yell. It’s just like the big people do that.
KAYLA: Well what are they doing now? I’m worried about them.
SARAH: Standing in their houses and yelling?
KAYLA: Ugh.
SARAH: Like the rest of us. Alright, I have one more thing. And then you’re going to do one more. And we’re going to have a nice clean 48.
KAYLA: (gasping) cute.
SARAH: I think a very not sexy thing to do in bed is use racial slurs.
KAYLA: No that’s disgusting.
SARAH: Just because you’re in the safety of your own home and own bed you might think, “well, it’s fine. Everyone here is okay with it.” No. It’s not sexy to use those words in any context. Even if, I don’t know, someone’s like, “I have a degradation kink.” I mean, can’t relate.
KAYLA: Use a different word.
SARAH: I just don’t think racial slurs are the way to go in terms of sexiness or really anything and that one song from A Strange Loop where the n-word is used in the context of sex by a white person to a black person it doesn’t give me sexy vibes. It gives me very uncomfortable and alarmed vibes. I can’t listen to this song vibes. Which is the point.
KAYLA: I didn’t even know that this existed. That sounds awful.
SARAH: I went back and listened to it right before this episode I want to make sure it’s in A Strange Loop, I want to make sure that’s the one I’m thinking of. I literally couldn’t listen to the song. I couldn’t do it.
KAYLA: Gross.
SARAH: But I mean that’s the point of the song. It’s supposed to be really uncomfortable. Also, just a small FYI that this is not a broadly known thing necessarily but the word “gypsy” is actually a racial slur.
KAYLA: That’s true.
SARAH: Against the Roma people. So try unwork that one out of your vocabulary. Also that means stop using the word “gypped.” Some good alternatives depending on context include “robbed,” “duped,” “ripped off,” or as wordhippo.com tells me, “hornswoggled.” Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
(40:00)
KAYLA: I also think that - correct me if I’m wrong - “eskimo” is a slur.
SARAH: Yes. It is. I don’t know as much about that one.
KAYLA: I don’t think it’s correct.
SARAH: So just avoid using it.
KAYLA: Yeah if you don’t know, just don’t. My last one is equally as serious and important and it’s popping pimples.
SARAH: Oh. Yeah.
KAYLA: And I do love to pop a pimple.
SARAH: I like to watch pimple popping videos in my bed but it’s not sexy.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Wow. What a great way to end it.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: What’s our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Oh man.
SARAH: Most unsexy thing to do in a bed.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Luckily I’m looking at all of mine. Taxidermy.
KAYLA: Taxidermy.
SARAH: Taxidermy and oh - I would like to apologize. That was only 46. I skipped one.
KAYLA: Oh god.
SARAH: I have one more thing that’s unsexy to do in bed. Is to defend TERFs on twitter. Like that’s so fucking unsexy.
KAYLA: That’s disgusting.
SARAH: Like are you kidding? Anyway. Do you want to leave it at 47 or do you want a 48?
KAYLA: I think it should just be at 47.
SARAH: 47 that’s fine. Anyway. Mine are taxidermy and boss babe MLM.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Wait no. Taxidermy and being aphobic.
KAYLA: Okay. That’s going to win.
SARAH: Okay fine. Taxidermy and being a boss babe MLM. Whatever makes you happy.
KAYLA: I just want to give the other ones-
SARAH: A fighting shot yeah.
KAYLA: What are some of mine?
SARAH: I couldn’t tell you.
KAYLA: I remember eating an onion like an apple.
SARAH: I just fucking realized I skipped another one. Who am I? I can’t read.
KAYLA: Obviously.
SARAH: Okay, I’d like to make the argument that sleeping is not sexy. As we mentioned, beds aren’t made for sexing, they’re made for sleeping and sleeping is great. But I don’t think it’s sexy and I think we should respect that. And now I’ve actually read everything on my list.
KAYLA: Okay, so now it’s 48?
SARAH: Now it’s 47. No. It’s 46! I-
KAYLA: What the hell Sarah?
SARAH: I read 22, 44, 45, 46. It’s 46.
KAYLA: My other one is commit arson.
SARAH: Hmm. What was the other one that you’re gonna add though?
KAYLA: Eat onion like apple.
SARAH: Oh. Okay, good. End. For the record, 46 things to do in a bed that are unsexy. Excellent. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: My beef is that Chadwick Boseman died, because that was just very shocking. I called Sarah over the weekend when I found out and I was like, “uhh” because I was genuinely shocked.
SARAH: She literally called me on the telephone and went, “did you know Chadwick Boseman died?” and as she said this I was looking at Twitter reading about how Chadwick Boseman had died. I watched Black Panther last weekend, it was a good rewatch.
KAYLA: We caught the end of it - ABC was doing a special, and we caught the end of it. But I also called Dean to be like, “did you know Chadwick Boseman died” and he did not know.
SARAH: He was in your house?
KAYLA: No he’s back in California right now.
SARAH: Okay he’s in California, okay.
KAYLA: I called him from my house. He was with some people and that was how the news was broken to all of those people, was me calling Dean.
(45:00)
SARAH: I received it in a text so.
KAYLA: I saw on Twitter.
SARAH: Sad. What’s your juice?
KAYLA: My juice is that I went thrift shopping in my parents’ basement by which I mean
SARAH: (singing) What what what
KAYLA: No. Stop. Shh. Hey, shut the fuck up. I looked through their 80s and 90s clothes that they just haven’t thrown away and I found a Faygo jacket. Faygo is a pop brand that you usually get in the midwest.
SARAH: It slaps.
KAYLA: And it’s very good and apparently and my mom’s uncle used to work there and now I have this sick ass jacket.
SARAH: It’s lit. It’s a lit jacket.
KAYLA: It really slaps. It’s a good looking jacket.
SARAH: Wonderful. My beef is that I have a friend who lives in Australia and a friend who lives in Germany and both of them are on vacation right now because their countries had an appropriate response to an international pandemic. Whereas I live in Los Angeles, haven’t seen my family since January, I won’t be going back to the office for my work until some time in 2021 so TLDR, fuckin’ tired.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Very fuckin’ tired. Frankly, as far as Americans go, I’m doing pretty good, and here I am, still being fucking hughhh. I know that electing Biden will not solve all our problems and that the work is never-ending but please vote. And vote early. And please drop off your ballot in person if you can. Otherwise, mail it in really early, or go in person but safely.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: My juice is that turns out that when I take my Adderall it’s helpful.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yes.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: To be clear, Sarah is prescribed Adderall.
SARAH: I am prescribed Adderall.
KAYLA: And it is sometimes helpful when you take your prescribed medication.
SARAH: It is helpful when I take the medication that has been prescribed to me.
KAYLA: Crazy how that happens.
SARAH: Weird how that works. Alright. Well, you can find our poll, tell us about your beef, your juice on our social media @soundsfakepod. We’re most active on Twitter but you know, we’re other places too. We also have a Patreon - patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We have 3 new $2 patrons.
KAYLA: 3! 3! 3!
SARAH: Who’s next? Anyway, I just thought of that video. Anyway. We have Natarsha Terriero, John, and Gabriella B who literally became a patron about 5 minutes ago, as we were recording this.
KAYLA: As we were recording this, I was like, ‘Sarah, guess what?”
SARAH: We were doing the poll and Kayla was like, “new patron.”
KAYLA: So, hello. And thank you.
SARAH: Thank you, thank you for supporting us. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Derrick and Carissa, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker - who, if you attended the AVEN things today, he did at least one panel.
KAYLA: He’s on my panel.
SARAH: Is he?
KAYLA: Yeah he’s on the romantic relationships panel.
SARAH: Nice.
KAYLA: And I think he’s doing a lot of volunteering in the back end. I don’t know if he’s moderating but anyway.
SARAH: Love you Daniel. Thanks for giving us your money. Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Ashlynn Boedecker, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, mberle Istar. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @DirtyUncleKevin, @tessa_m_k, Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween which is coming up again! Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird,
KAYLA: Wow it’s been like a full year since that was what they were promoting.
SARAH: Yeah. We asked them if they wanted to change it. They never answered us. My Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote her dog’s Instagram @minniemuffin19. I recently got to pet my neighbor’s dog and it was great. H. Valdís, Purple Chickadee who would like to promote Initiative: Eau, and Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote the Biggest Book of Yes. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Dia Chappell who would like to promote the Underrealm series by Garret Robinson, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote mental health and Dragonfly who would like to promote drinking water, hydrate kids!
(50:00)
KAYLA: Also news, the Biggest Book of Yes is a book, and it’s a travel book that Barefoot Backpacker contributed to.
SARAH: Oh I didn’t realize he contributed to it.
KAYLA: Yeah cause he’s a traveler and writes about it and podcasts about it. Also note that if you’re ever unsure what people are promoting cause we go through this very fast, it is all written out in the transcripts. If you’re like, “what is that Instagram handle?”
SARAH: True, I do read it real fast. But it’s in our transcripts and it is all spelled correctly in our transcripts because we just give this doc to our transcribers. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. And we’ll have a guest on. We have another guest.
KAYLA: We do have a guest next week. Who is it? Do you know?
SARAH: I know.
KAYLA: I also know.
SARAH: Weird. It’s almost as if we’ve already recorded that episode.
KAYLA: It’s crazy.
SARAH: Huh.
KAYLA: You keep messing up the ending.
SARAH: Sorry. Tune in next Sunday for more of us, plus a guest, in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
