Ep 156: Ace Week Celebration feat. YOU!

Hey what's up hello! To celebrate Ace Week, we hosted a livesteam and read some of your submissions. Submissions included poems, questions, and ace realization stories. This episode is the amazing theatrical cut of that livestream.

Episode transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/ace-week-celebration-feat-you     

Get the Snyder cut by watching the livestream here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7YrRXH2qyA&t=1s    

Read all of the submissions, especially the ones we didn't have time to read, here: www.soundsfakepod.com/ace-week-livestream-submissions   

Vote for us for best LGBTQ Culture Podcast of 2020 here: https://awards.discoverpods.com/vote/   

Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod    

Follow: @soundsfakepod    

Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt    

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Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book

Transcript

(0:00)

SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)

SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: You.

ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.

KAYLA: Fuck – um.

SARAH: M’in Yoongi.

KAYLA: M’od. 

SARAH: M’ichigan is being crushed by M’ichigan State.

KAYLA: M’ichigan sucks. But don’t tell my mom. I’m just looking for M words in the chat. Help help help help help help. 

SARAH: There’s too much of a delay!

KAYLA: Fuck. Well. Anyway. That’s it I guess.

SARAH: Love that. Do we have any updates? Do we have any housekeeping? First of all, sorry to those of you listening in your ears, just in podcast form, if the audio is marginally janky, we had some livestream issues, we are currently livestreaming this, so if you want to see our faces, hit up our YouTube. You want to see the 20 minutes of chaos before we actually started recording because Kayla’s shit stopped working — 

KAYLA: It’s bad, I need to stop using Garageband. 

SARAH: “Is this how recording usually goes” from TiredPanda. Yes.

KAYLA: Yes. Yeah.

SARAH: But yes, so if you want to see our faces, hit us up on YouTube. I hope this audio is okay but we had to do some shit.

KAYLA: Oh man, Michigan is on the bingo apparently. This is why I didn’t look at the bingo beforehand. There is a bingo card that people are playing along with.

SARAH: There is a bingo card. Okay.

KAYLA: Housekeeping, I guess, would be that I don’t think we said this in the last episode. We were nominated for Best LGBTQ Culture Podcast by Discover Pods, which is a podcast news place I guess. And you should vote for us with every email address that you own. Because that’s apparently allowed. I’ll link that in the description of this episode and you should do that. Voting closes November 6th, so do it, or do it.

SARAH: Brian O’Callaghan says “m’arginally janky,” which is correct.

KAYLA: Which is how this is, yes. 

SARAH: Okay. Alright. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?

KAYLA: Today, as we’re recording this, is the last day of Ace Week. I understand that when you are listening to this tomorrow or beyond it’s already over, but, sucks.

SARAH: Maybe you’re listening during Ace Week 2021 I don’t know your life. 

KAYLA: That would be wild. So, to celebrate Ace Week, we decided to do this livestream and hear from all of you. So we asked you to submit stories, or questions, or anything and so we have that. 

SARAH: We have that.

KAYLA: We have that and we’re going to read it and hear it because some of you were allowed to submit voice memos for voicemail type things. 

SARAH: Another reason to join our Discord is we allowed our Discord members to send audio things. So, just saying.

KAYLA: No one else!

SARAH: Link is in the description to join our Discord. It’s a party.

KAYLA: It is a party.

SARAH: And there are apparently in-jokes about potatoes that Kayla and I don’t know about.

KAYLA: I don’t know, I don’t know anything about that. Okay, should we get started I guess?

SARAH: I would love to do that. 

KAYLA: Do you want to — alright so we have a couple different categories of things. Do you want to start with a voice message? Do you start by reading something? 

SARAH: Let’s start by reading something.

KAYLA: Do you have a type —

SARAH: I’m aro-ace, I don’t have a type. 

KAYLA: Okay, thank you. But also that’s not necessarily true cause there’s oriented people Sarah.

SARAH: I know but I’m saying me personally.

KAYLA: Okay, so we have resources and shoutouts, which I think we should keep for the end. We have some questions, some messages, ace realization stories, coming out stories, advice, and then a potpourri which is where some of my favorite ones are.

SARAH: Mm. Um. Let’s just start with a question. This is a really long doc.

(5:00)

KAYLA: So, apologies, we’re probably not going to get to everything that was submitted —

SARAH: We will not get to everything that was submitted.

KAYLA: There’s 19 pages of content here but we’re thinking that maybe we’ll take all of these suggestions and make a doc or a PDF or something and share it so you all can read everything we weren’t able to do. Maybe. If yall are interested in that.

SARAH: Yes. Um. Oh god.

KAYLA: Do you want to read?

SARAH: No, I panicked you read.

KAYLA: Um. Let me find a good one.

SARAH: Oh I have one.

KAYLA: Okay go ahead.

SARAH: This is from Sarah R. “Do you think Michael from The Good Place is on the spectrum?”

KAYLA: I knew you would read this one.

SARAH: I tend to headcanon him as such for the following reasons. One you never see him romantically tied to anyone and nor does he show any interest in relationships, just focused on work and the squad. And two, when he’s talking about Eleanor and Chidi in episode 2x09, he says, “gross, kissing is gross, you’re just mashing your food holes together. It’s not for that!” I think this is a great headcanon. That’s all.

KAYLA: I knew you were going to pick this one. From what I understand of The Good Place, he’s like—

SARAH: He’s a demon.

KAYLA: He’s not a human. That’s the problem. It’s like saying that Data from Star Trek is ace cause he’s a robot. So I feel like that gets—

SARAH: But, spoiler spoiler spoiler for The Good Place finale — spoiler — at the end he does become a human. 

KAYLA: Mmm. Dang it! Just more bingo. I mean, I see it. Some people in the chat are agreeing.

SARAH: Also people are doing really well on their bingo cards. 

KAYLA: People are going to get — whatever the thing is called when you get the whole board — it is going to happen. Oh, I’ll help you all. I bought this juice especially for today, and then my dad drank some! He drank this much.

SARAH: Unbelievable.

KAYLA: I have seen some episodes of The Good Place, but I really wanted to understand the end so I had Sarah tell me what the ending was. 

SARAH: Yeah, a classic.

KAYLA: Big juice.

SARAH: Olivia, I’m sorry that you did not mute that spoiler fast enough. I thought I gave you enough time. Next question.

KAYLA: Okay what do you want to do next? Do you want to do a question?

SARAH: It’s your turn.

KAYLA: Okay. It’s from Charlie. “I’m definitely ace and I’ve thought I was aro for almost a year. However, recently I’ve been wondering if I am romantically in love with my best friend. How could I tell that? What even is the difference between platonic and romantic attraction if you’re closer than Kayla and Sarah are?” 

SARAH: I would like to first take offense to this statement that me and Kayla are not deeply in love with each other.

KAYLA: I mean we are.  Even though we broke up 3 times the other day. Gotta keep it spicy.

SARAH: Yeah. Gotta keep it spicy. Just keep it spicy by breaking up constantly. I mean, how can you tell if you’re romantically in love with your best friend? I have never been romantically in love with anyone —

KAYLA: Except for me.

SARAH: Except for Kayla. No, but I was literally thinking about this last night. Being in love is always assumed to be such a romantic thing, where it’s like I don’t think being in love with a person or a moment or a place or whatever is inherently romantic. If you really love a person and you care about them and you have a really deep relationship, that doesn’t automatically make it romantic. Can I answer your question about whether you’re romantically in love with this person, no I can’t but I can say that just because it is a deep relationship and a strong relationship and you like them a lot doesn’t mean it has to be romantic.

KAYLA: I would maybe think about the kinds of activities you’re interested in doing with that person and maybe whether you code those as romantic. So if you’re not a touch-averse person, if you like holding hands and cuddling, which can be platonic and so can kissing, kissing can be platonic, but whether you code those as something that’s romantic and then. For me if I have a romantic crush on someone, I typically tend to — you daydream about those things happening or blah blah blah whatever where if it’s a friend, then I would think about more platonic things. So I guess that would be my advice. Does anyone in the chat have any thoughts?

(10:00)

SARAH: Jasmina says “It’s all about how that person makes you feel and the energy you get when thinking about them and when you interact with them.” 

KAYLA: Yeah, it can definitely be hard to keep those apart for some people but trying to think about maybe if there’s someone you absolutely know is just your friend and then trying to compare that to your relationship with this person and seeing how they’re different and the same.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Shall we do a voice message?

SARAH: Sure.

KAYLA: What kind do you want?

SARAH: Fun.

KAYLA: Fun. Hmm. I have a poem.

SARAH: A poem! I haven’t heard it yet.

KAYLA: This is by Purple Chickadee and it’s called, ooh it has a title. Ooh maybe they say it.

PURPLE CHICKADEE: Sexuality at First Web Search, a poem by Purple Chickadee

All of my life I have never felt sexual attraction to any person regardless of gender or our interaction

I always felt as if I was the only one who felt this way. 

I thought my only options were straight, bi, pan, or gay.

I felt alone but not lonely, I was fine by myself.

I did not need anyone else, just my bookshelf.

One day I was researching online to see if there was a word for what was wrong with me.

Then I discovered a word and it just fit, like it had been made for me, and that was it.

There was nothing wrong with who I was, other people felt the same. 

And I did not have to change because I found my place. I found my space here in this community.

It was plain to see.

The word I found that day was “asexuality.”

KAYLA: That was a poem about — Purple Chickadee — mentioned it was about sexuality at first Google search, which I mentioned in that one episode. So they wrote a little poem about it, which I think is a very good poem. Thank you Purple Chickadee for this poem, which I think was very very good.

SARAH: Pip has a question. “Do you guys ever feel weird coming out as aspec/making a big deal about your sexuality, when it is feels like such a *private* thing? Also what positions did you play in Quidditch?” I played beater in Quidditch. Kayla was support staff.

KAYLA: I didn’t play, I was on staff. 

SARAH: I was a beater. I feel like for me it’s — sexuality feeling like a private thing, I feel like society makes it into such a public — there are certain assumptions that are made. You do experience sexual attraction, romantic attraction, it’s kind of forcibly made public by other people that’s not you. So it’s either your sexuality is going to be assumed or you’ll have to clarify, and those are your options because of the way the world is. And so I think for me, it was a question of do I want to be known as who I actually am and how I actually experience the world or do I want to let people’s assumptions — let them think they’re true? It is a private thing but it’s hard to — use my brain. It is a private thing but for me it’s a little bit easier since I’m aro and ace and I don’t have interest in having sex or that sort of thing. It’s a little easier for me to be like, I don’t have any interest in any of it. I don’t have to get into details in the same way that some other aspec people might when people ask questions. 

KAYLA: I think for me it’s like, it’s weird because my sexuality is very explicitly about how and when I have sex which is kind of weird, which is one of the reasons I ask my parents not to listen to the podcast because I have to talk about the sex I’m having to explain my sexuality I feel like, which is kind of weird. So I definitely get that. I feel like it’s weird and it’s also something I’ve been thinking about more as I’m about to move again, is that it’s kind of a whole new group of people I’m going to be meeting, that if they are just to look at my social media, they will immediately know what my orientation is, which is just like, kind of scary I guess to know that that’s going to happen because I’m so public with it. So yea, it can be weird. Especially like, Sarah said, if it doesn’t feel like it’s not a big deal to you and if other people make it a big deal, that can be kind of weird.

(15:00)

SARAH: The world makes it out to be a big deal. And so you’re forced into discussing it whether you want to or not. 

KAYLA: Yeah. If it’s not a big deal to you, that’s completely fine. Me and Sarah talk about how our sexualities don’t end up influencing our lives as much as you might think from people that have a podcast, so if it’s not like something that you’re like “being asexual is my identity, it’s who I am” — if you are like that, great. If you’re not like that, also great. Completely up to you.

SARAH: Yeah. This is actually an interesting comment. This person saying “I prefer people to know I’m aro-ace than just to assume I can’t get a date” which is interesting because, fair. I get that. But also it’s like, there’s all of the associations and assumptions present of like, “oh you should just be able to get a date” or the whole stereotype of aro-ace people just can’t get a date cause they’re not cute enough. Bitch look at me I’m dressed as The Rock and I’m cute as hell.

KAYLA: We’re dressed as The Rock today — I have a middle part. 

SARAH: Yeah, that’s kind of a weird place to be in cause on one hand I don’t want to enforce stereotypes of— I don’t want to make it seem like your ability to get a date is what determines whether or not you’re a good or interesting person. But at the same time I do want to clarify that it’s an inherent thing about the way I experience the world, not like, everyone saying, “bitch that girls’ ugly.”

KAYLA: Which she’s not, look at them eyebrows. If you’re listening you can’t see but they do be looking good though. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Yes. Let’s see. I want to read this one. Ooh it was one of my favorite ones that came in. This is in the “etc.” section. It’s from anonymous. “This is an excerpt from journal entry I wrote while I was a sophomore in college. I was reflecting my first date with a girl from my Spanish class. At this point, I had almost zero experience in romantic relationships, and I hadn't even heard of the term "asexuality" yet.  "I feel like I should’ve kissed her or something. Like I should’ve done something to express affection beyond hugging. But I just can’t wrap my head around that. I just can’t imagine being that close to another person. Even the notion of holding her hand is downright frightening to me.  ... Kissing is another level. That’s like… that’s like… serious stuff. Close, intimate stuff. That’s something [that only people other than me] get to do. Right? Of course not! But I’m still so conflicted about that! Why do I feel such a mental block around that?"...Looking back on this journal entry, it makes a lot more sense now that I know I'm aspec!” I just thought that was very — it’s a common experience of looking back on things once you know you’re aspec and being like, “oh my god, how did I not know?”

SARAH: Yeah, yeah.

KAYLA: Another reason I wish I was good at keeping a journal. I did find a journal recently from my first couple days in college. It’s so funny and I wish I just kept keeping it.

SARAH: Oh my gosh.

KAYLA: Sarah I’ll send it to you later, there’s some names and stuff that we don’t need to be public but it’s so wild. But there’s parts in it about you so let me go get it — no don’t look at my room, no one look at my room. 

SARAH: Okay, in the meantime, oh it’s right there.

KAYLA: Oh I have to find the part, I have to see if there’s anything in there I want to read. 

SARAH: So this is also from anonymous. It says, “When I first realized I was ace, I was super excited. I wanted to learn all there was about asexuality and aromantism and was so excited to tell my friends. But the more I looked into the ace community, the more scared I got. I couldn't comprehend that aphobia is a thing. I didn't get why anyone would be upset that I didn't feel sexual attraction when everyone always taught us to abstain my whole life. And the ace community felt more and more unwelcoming because most stories and memes I found were about how the allos don't get us and how mean people are. And now I'm scared to tell my friends I'm ace even though I know they would accept me. I am starting to feel confident in myself after finding your podcast and @aceydesi. But in general, I find myself avoiding the ace community because it feels really toxic in this way.” That’s fair. The community can feel like this nice insular place where we all accept each other and we’re part of a group but at the same time part of the reason why the community is the way it is is because of the exclusion from other communities. I understand why it might feel difficult to feel confident in your sexuality knowing that a lot of the aspec identities is based on the fact that we are not included by others. And I don’t necessarily have an answer — I mean this isn’t really a question — I don’t know what to tell you to do but I think it’s important to acknowledge this, that it’s possible that there are aspects of the aspec community that do make it harder for people to feel like they can come out. And I think that’s something to think about. 

(20:00)

KAYLA: I wasn’t listening to the question cause I was reading but I agree. I vaguely remember the question.

SARAH: Also SOUP says “that’s why the SFBO Discord server is rad not as much negativity about external stuff.” Just sayin’.

KAYLA: This is true. Okay, this is a journal from — maybe a week from our first week of college. There’s parts I’m not going to read to you all because it’s not for you but Sarah, I will be texting you this later because it is about the boy that I was in love with freshman year and it is embarrassing. 

SARAH: Week one? Ugh. 

KAYLA: Yeah, it started week one.

SARAH: Is that how attraction works?

KAYLA: Yeah. September 3rd was when I was dropped of at college. This is what I said about Sarah. Let’s see. “Sarah and I have been getting along well. She seems a bit antisocial like me which may present a challenge but I think with time she and I will figure it out. I’m excited to meet more LHS kids tomorrow and hopefully be less anxious.” Hold on there’s another part I wanted to read. Oh there’s a part about how we watched Pentatonix videos with two girls from down the hall which ended up being our best friends so that was funny. I also — this has nothing to do with Sarah cause I don’t think you were here for this — I wanted to read you all the first sketchy experience I had in college. This had nothing to do with anything. But. Maybe you were there Sarah? I don’t know. “We went to the library for this orientation event. These guys that one of our friends knew invited us to hang out at their dorm.”

SARAH: I was there!

KAYLA: I think you just left early. “One guy had to be stoned cause he kept asking us the same question. The other guy — Fuckboy Andy is what we named him — “

SARAH: Fuckboy Andy. I was there.

KAYLA: Yeah you were there. “Fuckboy Andy texted me asking if I want to hook up if we got everyone to leave. I showed Sarah the text, then made my friend Christine call me to give us a reason to get out. Our first sketchy college experience.” 

SARAH: It was so weird.

KAYLA: And then I start talking about this guy that I was in love with. I’m like, “now that I’m in college, being in a relationship scares me!” What were you thinking? Anyway, this has nothing to do with anything.

SARAH: Incredible.

KAYLA: Anyway that was clearly my first experience with Sarah. Anyway moving on.

SARAH: Maradove made a comment about the last thing I was reading about. “It’s so strange that society simultaneously says that sex is taboo but also everyone must have it.” Yeah. It doesn’t make sense. And that’s I think part of the weird-ass ace experience is coming to terms with the fact that that doesn’t make sense and that’s not how it should be and that’s not how it has to be. But it still is that way. 

KAYLA: Yeah, indeed. Let’s see. Shall we do another voice message?

SARAH: Sure, is it louder?

KAYLA: Hopefully. This is from Caitlin, who we love —well we love everyone but. Okay see we can’t do a whole episode of my diary entries because those four days is it. I wish. God I wish I had kept a journal. This from Caitlin who runs Sounds Fake But Okay Out of Context. 

CAITLIN: Hi. I’m Caitlin and I’m aro-ace. I wanted to wish everyone a happy Ace Awareness Week. I wanted to say that no matter where you fall on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum, you’re valid. If you’re demisexual or demiromantic, you’re amazing. Graysexual or grayromantic? Wonderful. Aro? Ace? Absolutely outstanding. You’re valid no matter what. If you think a different label fits for you, that’s great. If you had talked to me a few months ago I would have said I’m a demi panromantic asexual. I was valid before and I’m still valid now. If you were younger when you discovered asexuality, that also doesn’t make you any less valid. You know yourself best and no one can tell you who you are. If you don’t know who you are, that’s cool too. You’re welcome here. Try a new label, see how it fits. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay. It’s okay not to be super proud of your identity or just to be quiet about it. Just know that we’re here for you no matter who you are or how you identify. You’re aspec you’re amazing and I love you.

SARAH: No notes. Good. 

KAYLA: This is so sweet.

SARAH: No notes on this statement.

KAYLA: Caitlin don’t be stressed, this was very sweet and I love it. And it also filled the “you are valid” bingo space so. Let’s see. Let’s do some more sweet things. Are you ready for some advice/affirmation from Maradove? Who’s also here I can see. Maradove says, “You aren't broken. I know this is something that other people have probably said, but I've had to keep repeating it to myself since I realized I was ace 3 years ago, so I want to tell as many people as I can because it sucks to feel broken and like you're missing out.” 

SARAH: Hey, guys, you’re not broken. Ain’t nobody broken here.

KAYLA: Except for my audio.

SARAH: Rip.

KAYLA: Should we do an ace realization story?

SARAH: Sure.

KAYLA: Do you want me to read it?

SARAH: Sure.

KAYLA: So we have a lot of stories from people that are about them realizing they are ace. These are some longer stories and we’re not going to get to them which is sad. People said they were interested in seeing a doc of people’s submission so after this is over I will work on making this document look not so shitty and I will compile things so you all can read them and everyone can share even if we don’t have time to get through it all. Okay. This one I thought was very interesting, are you ready? This is Bianca’s story of how they realized they are ace, here we go. *gasp* Hi Daniel. Saw Daniel in the chat and got excited. Bianca says, “I recently realized I'm ace. It's kinda funny because I've known about asexuality for so long. I first learned about ace and aro spectrum identities four years ago in a work training. I taught people about the split attraction model and compulsory sexuality. Yet, I never questioned my own feelings. I've had (romantic?) crushes on girls for years but I only recognized them two years ago. For most of my life, I thought there was something wrong with me that I would get "obsessed" with my (usually girl) best friends. After a lot of questioning and accepting and re-questioning, I finally understood myself as someone who "likes girls too." I didn't talk to anyone about attraction because I'm a really private person and don't like talking about this stuff. It's no secret, but I don't feel any desire to let someone into this part of me.” Like we were talking about earlier. “But I knew I felt REALLY uncomfortable with the labels bisexual or pansexual. And I accepted that I just don't like labels. A while later, I started writing a romance novel which ended up being a short story about friendship. And I really explored the main character publishing a book about his aro-ace brother. In the story, the brother was too tired of explaining himself to his family and really wanted someone else to write his story for him. And I really explored how Indian culture intersects with asexuality in weird, contradictory ways. A few months ago, I read The ABC's of LGBT+ by Ash Hardell and drew my sexual/romantic/gender identities on spectrums. Even when I drew that I feel nearly zero sexual attraction, some romantic attraction to women, and minimal romantic attraction to men, I didn't even consider the possibility that I might be a-spec. A few weeks ago, I heard a TV character claim they couldn't be in love with someone because they didn't get excited by their friend's genitals. And I felt very very uncomfortable. I knew I had fallen in love with people with out feeling any attraction to their sexual organs. And I couldn't get the discomfort from this scene out of my head. I ended up finding your podcast after a lot of googling. And I couldn't stop listening. I binged one episode after another. I was so hungry for ace content. I found aceydesi and saw myself represented in ways I never expected. I read Angela Chen's book and felt so validated in my experiences with wanting the freedom to not act sexual but still feel feminist. And then I read Beyond the Black Door by A.M. Strickland. And that book’s really helped me understand myself. I knew about asexuality. I was teaching about it. I literally wrote a story about it. Some part of me knew it was very important. But I couldn't imagine that I could be ace. And Beyond the Black Door explored asexuality, romantic attraction, and gender identity in such an amazing way. I loved that the world created its own terminology for these identities, freeing from my pre-assumptions about every term and instead focusing on the concepts. I found it really validating that a (what we would call) trans character chose to go by she/her pronouns even after telling their friend they are a man because they didn't want to come out to the world. And to me, this was a shocking realization that's it's okay if I keep my asexuality and all to myself. I don't have to come out if I don't want to. It's okay if I never want to come out. As minorities in the cisallohet world, we always feel this burden to showcase ourselves and I find it freeing to see that I can choose not to ever tell anyone and that's okay too. It's a break from the coming out = happy ending narrative I saw in every LGBTQ+ story. Yesterday, I reread the short story(with the aro-ace brother) I wrote way back before realizing I was ace and seeing that I care about the same things now than I did back then. I cried so much because I felt so validated by my past self. And that I have always known this about myself even if I didn't use the language back then to understand myself. For the first time, I genuinely feel comfortable in my sexual/romantic identity and it's really really nice.” I just thought it was so interesting they knew about asexuality and were teaching about it and even so didn’t figure it out, which I think — that’s not what you usually hear from people so I think it’s — validating if anyone else is going through that. The book they mentioned in Beyond the Black Door by A.M. Strickland. I’ve never heard of it but it sounds good. 

(30:00)

SARAH: Yeah and you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to.

KAYLA: I guess that’s the episode now. You simply don’t have to do anything. Very brave of that person to share it with us since they don’t feel like sharing it very widely. So, Bianca if you’re listening we love you.

SARAH: You’re wonderful. This is another ace realization one. This is from SarahSupaStar — not me. But, all Sarahs are superstars. “The story of figuring out I was aroace is way longer and more complicated than I feel like it has any right to be. Sometimes I hear people say that as soon as they heard the term asexual it just clicked and they knew that was them, but that was not the case for me.” There’s a running theme here. “I first saw the term asexual when it was briefly mentioned in my AP Psychology textbook. And it caught my attention, but the definition was way too narrow (a person who does not experience any sexual desire or arousal), so I decided it didn’t quite apply to me and put it out of my mind. (Which is why accurate, inclusive definitions are *important*!) At one point in high school, a boy asked me out and I said yes, because I liked the idea of having a boyfriend and didn’t realize that was different than wanting to date *him*. But then as soon as we were “dating” I became super uncomfortable with any kind of physical affection and almost immediately started thinking about how we’d inevitably break up. I used to wonder whether I might be gay, because everyone talks about starting to “notice” boys/girls when they went through puberty, and I felt like I noticed girls just as much as I noticed boys. (I believe this is a fairly common experience for baby aces.) I also spent some time feeling like I was broken, because I wasn’t feeling what society told me I should be feeling (which is definitely a common experience for baby aces). I got re-introduced to asexuality through Tumblr and fanfiction, and I really related to it, but I still didn’t feel like it *quite* described me. Retrospectively, I know that this was partly because I didn’t *want* it to describe me. I grew up assuming that someday I’d fall in love and get married, and I really didn’t want to let go of that. Additionally, I’ve always had celebrity crushes, and for a long time I thought that disqualified me from being ace, even though I had never been attracted to anyone I’d actually met. (I later learned that there’s an aspec microlabel for this called autochorissexual or aegosexual.) One thing that was really helpful for me in figuring out that what I thought of as crushes wasn’t the same as the attraction that other (allo) people experience was a chart I saw once, which defined 6 different kinds of attraction, with Sexual Attraction, Romantic Attraction, and Crushes in the top row, and Squishes, Sensual Attraction, and Aesthetic Attraction in the bottom row. The chart’s definitions specified that these were desires directed at a *specific other person*, and I realized that I had only ever experienced that for the things in the bottom row. Even after I had all the relevant information, I spent a few years questioning and simply identifying as “not straight” before I fully embraced my aroace identity. And I embraced being ace long before I embraced being aro, because I didn’t want to let go of the idea of maybe falling in love someday. But since then I have been so much happier and more content with myself and confident in my experiences. Plus, embracing my ace-ness has led me to some really great experiences. Like attending Pride, and going to a local ace meetup, and reading Loveless, and listening to Sounds Fake But Okay. :)” Retweet.

(35:00)

KAYLA: Yes, I feel like a lot of these stories have very similar themes. 

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Let’s do a voice message. This is from Jayna. This is a question. Do I remember what it is? No, but I just wrote down it is a question. So here we go. 

JAYNA: Hey hello. It’s Jayna from Discord. I have some ace and maybe also aro-related questions. What do you think — are there any ace and or aro magical creatures or beings in the mythologies because I recently read about an asexual succubus and I found that pretty nice. So do you think there are any? And by the way, thank you so much for this amazing podcast.

SARAH: There must be. There’s gotta be.

KAYLA: I know dragons are part of ace culture for some reason. I feel like that’s my initial answer. 

SARAH: Look I feel like literally any species of anything whether it’s mythical or it’s just your neighborhood rabbit could probably be aspec, could probably be asexual. We just don’t know cause we don’t speak rabbit.

KAYLA: Maybe you don’t.

SARAH: Oh. Can you talk to them?

KAYLA: Yeah. Now I can’t think of a single mythical creature other than unicorn. 

SARAH: Phoenix.

KAYLA: I’m getting a bi vibe from phoenix. Gods count. Artemis is pretty ace. Those mermaids, sorry what? A fish on top?

SARAH: Are mermaids — cause they can’t have sex in the same way that humans do.

KAYLA: But ace people can have sex.

SARAH: Yeah but now I’m just thinking about how mermaids reproduce.

KAYLA: Just cause mermen don’t have a peepus doesn’t mean they can’t have sex. Sirens. I really love that idea. Have you heard this idea Sarah, that sirens are asexual? And they just lure men in with their sexualness and they *killing noises.*

SARAH: Yes. 

KAYLA: Centaurs I can see. Feels like a vibe. Axol—

SARAH: Axolotls?

KAYLA: I don’t know what that is. 

SARAH: They’re real animals they look like tiny little dragons.

KAYLA: Interesting. Yeah ace sirens is I think my favorite one. Griffins are also part of aro culture. I don’t think I knew that.

SARAH: I didn’t know that either. 

KAYLA: Wow. There’s our answer. Hope that’s what you were looking for Jayna. Let’s see. I have one.

SARAH: Do it.

KAYLA: This is a message from an anonymous person to their past self. —“Merpeople can have sex like dolphins perhaps” — go away! I hate it. Sorry I didn’t mean to tell you to go away. Ok the message from an anonymous person to their past self. “Dear Past Self, I know you want to prove to your friends that you are "cool." That you aren't just a good girl. You feel like they see you as childish for not drinking or dating. For going to bed early and studying a lot. For calling your parents and getting good grades. You really want to tell them you got a tattoo just because you want to seem "cool" and not just a good girl. You don't really want them to know though. It's something private you did for yourself.  I'm your future self and I lived through the reality where you told them just for validation. Don't do it. It wasn't worth it. They aren't trustable. They unhooked your bra to show other people at a party. Even when you told them they were the only people you told.  And you don't know it yet. But you're also ace. Another thing that you might think falls into the "good girl" category. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with fitting people's expectations of an Asian girl. You are allowed to be "good," whatever the hell that means.  And I love you. I love you so much. I accept you. Know that I will always love you. Love, Your Future Self.” Me and Sarah fall in a lot of those stereotypes too. Sarah doesn’t drink and I know I in college got really upset with people when they would make fun of me for studying too much. That was a big thing in freshman year for me for some reason. I did that.

(40:00)

SARAH: I think being straight-laced and being aspec — they don’t have anything to do with each other. But if you are both, you are valid. And cause I’m both. I think it’s also when people are like, “this person’s super straight-laced,” they often think that they look down upon other people for not being that way and that’s not the case for me at least.

KAYLA: A big thing when you tell someone you’re asexual, a lot of times people immediately get upset and think that you are looking down at them and then they get insulted somehow—

SARAH: They get defensive.

KAYLA: Yeah, it’s like, no no. It’s like that one episode. Sarah is sex positive but sex-avese. They are different things. 
SARAH: Yeah. Retweet.

KAYLA: Let’s see. Let’s do another ace realization perhaps. People like those and that’s where most of the content is doc. This is from Lotus. Lotus says, “My name is Lotus. I’m the physical caretaker of the Renegade-X System and I’m a he/she bigender aroace person.” So this person is a system in a dissociative identity disorder system. Do we know what that is Sarah?

SARAH: No.

KAYLA: It is — basically — so if I’m wrong, someone please correct me. From what I understand, because I watch a lot of videos on it because I find it very interesting. Someone with DID had a traumatic incident in their childhood which caused them to have multiple — I don’t want to say multiple personalities because that’s a different thing  — but they have different people that will come in front in different whatever. That’s not a very good definition. Basically the brain splits in order to take care of the person who has gone through trauma and protect them and make them be a functional person. I’m sorry if that was bad. Please do your own research. Oh yeah watch Anthony Padilla’s “I spent a day with multiple personalities” it’s very good and the person that was in it — alters, not personalities, alters thank you — there’s a lot of really good YouTubers and super interesting people on TikTok. I just find it really fascinating so. Anyway. “I’m the physical caretaker of the Renegade-X System and I’m a he/she bigender aroace person.. Although I’m biologically 27, I was only created a few years ago and was created without the ability to feel romantic and sexual attraction(as a parogenic headmate). I never really thought about my sexuality until I started to live my own life. I’d be uncomfortable with touches such as hugging or cuddling or just platonic kisses without consent. I kinda thought that was normal to feel as a human but when I was with a toxic group of friends who unknowingly shamed me for feeling those ways, I guess I kinda started to realize that these feelings weren’t normal. I was SUPPOSED to want to date someone. When sex started to come into my life, I found myself immediately repulsed by it. I never tried it, not once, but just the thought of me doing it was repulsive. I did try to get into it with one of those toxic friends, but I just left before it had even started because it was just..gross, like a slimy feeling on my back. I found out with my queerplatonic partner that I was sex repulsed, after that, I found out I was aroace(thank God for my QPP explaining it because she was ace). It wasn’t exactly all good from there, though. I had to deal with those “friends'' pretending to accept me (in reality, though, they believed me and my QPP didn’t belong in the community because we were ace). Right now, though, I’m happy with where I am. I have an accepting family that is my system, I have 3 amazing QPPs, and cut those friends off until they apologize. Lemme just say this, though: Relationships don’t always have to be romantic kisses or sexual, ya know, “oral”. They can be platonic kisses or queerplatonic hugging or something. And don’t be afraid to establish boundaries. If you desire consent for specific touches, then establish that. Only the fake ones will disrespect it.” I just think that’s another very diverse ace realization story. I love that they have 3 QPPs. That sounds stressful to me, but it sounds like a lot of amazing support to have, which is nice.

SARAH: Sure does.

KAYLA: Yeah and please do your own research on DID because I did a really bad job of explaining it.

SARAH: For some reason, I didn’t know what you were talking about at first. I do know what DID is. I don’t know what’s happening.

KAYLA: It’s one of those things that Trisha Paytas made fun of and now we hate her.

SARAH: What?

KAYLA: I can get into a whole thing about Trisha Paytas and her being stupid.

SARAH: Let’s take a question.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: I haven’t picked one.

KAYLA: Do you want me to do a voice message? We have a voice message that is a question. This is from Noelwiz, who is our mod, who is apparently actually named Daniel, which is rude because how is your name not just Noel? I don’t understand. Someone in the chat said, “you and the rest of your system are 100% valid.” which is the truth. This is from Noelwiz.

NOELWIZ: Hi Sounds Fake But Okay. I’m Noelwiz in the chat and Discord and stuff. I’m wondering how you make friends going to new places, being ace and finding ace communities there. How do you do that? Since I know you’re both moving and have moved across the country and I might have to in a few months, and it’s kind of scary. I want to learn, I want to be prepared for that. Thanks!

KAYLA: So if you couldn’t hear that cause it was kind of quiet. So basically Noelwiz is wondering how to make new friends when you’re moving cause they might move soon, and specifically find ace people when you’re moving. This is something — I don’t know if either of us have great answers to cause we’ve both struggled with it and I don’t think we’re very good at it. But we will do our best and maybe some people in the chat have answers too. Let’s see. For me when I moved — oh go ahead.

SARAH: I was going to say, I honestly haven’t properly had that experience yet because when I moved out to LA, many of my friends from college were doing the same thing and then quarantine happened. And so I haven’t really met a lot of new people necessarily. Also personally for me, it’s not crucial that I find other aspec people in real life. If I do, it’s wonderful. But I have the pod, I have this community, I don’t necessarily feel the need to surround myself with aspec people necessarily. So I don’t really have an answer for you. Also the way I make friends in life is I make one friend and I steal all their friends.

KAYLA: You could try that.

SARAH: What happens is I make a friend and I latch onto them and I just inherit all of their friends. That’s what happened with Kayla. I was talking to my friend Miranda recently about how that’s what happened with her.

KAYLA: Mm hmm. So you could try that. When I moved to Connecticut last year, a lot of my friends ended up coming from work which was nice but obviously not always possible. I also joined a local D&D group to meet people. So I’d say it’s hard with pandemic and lockdown to do that. So I’d say looking for local Meetups and groups. “Adopt a local introvert — yes!” For ace groups, something I’ve tried recently, so I’m moving down to Baton Rouge, and I looked at the city’s queer center or whatever and it looks like in the past they had an ace group but I don’t know if they do anymore. I would say look at your local queer center and see if they have an ace group and if you’re feeling up to it, you can try and start one. Or going on message boards or ace Meetups and asking people who live in your area. I feel like it’s an easy way to meet new people is going for ace people right away. You can adopt Daniel. Daniel says he’s an introvert looking for friend adoptions. So just adopt Daniel. “Meetups are great.” Yeah.

SARAH: Meetups freak me out.

KAYLA: Why?
SARAH: People you don’t know. 

KAYLA: Mm hmm.
SARAH: And that is valid kids. I’ve never been to any sort of ace Meetup. I was recently talking to someone who’s a part of Ace LA, which is the ace group in LA and they were like, you should come to ace stuff and I was like ehhh

KAYLA: “I should but I’m scared.” Sarah what is going to happen when we get famous and we have to do meet & greets?

SARAH: See that will be fine—

KAYLA: Because you’re in a position of power?

SARAH: No I don’t want to be in a position of power. Those people sort of already know who I am. Those people would be coming to me rather than me having to go to them.

KAYLA: Interesting.

SARAH: I’m not good at putting myself out there and being like, hi I’m Sarah. Let me tell you about myself. That’s not in my skill set.

KAYLA: That’s fair. 

SARAH: It’s okay to be scared to meet people. TLDR.

KAYLA: It is okay.

SARAH: SarahSupaStar says, “Meetups freak me out too, but I pushed through the anxiety and went to one once, and it was such a positive & validating experience.” So. Big risk, big reward.

KAYLA: I’m going to read another message. This is from Jynjer and Jynjer says: “just wanted to share some fun ace experiences I've had. For starters, I found my childhood diary which has a total of 24 entries spanning 10 years. my favourite quote is when 13 year old me wrote "I don’t know who I like. So I've decided that for now, I'll just have friends. No boyfriends. No crushes. No kisses. No romance. But just until I can understand, or at least control, my feelings." Tiny aroace Jynj didn't know you could like more than one person at once, nor did they know that allos cannot choose to not have crushes. Needless to say, I never found anyone romantically interesting after that. My biggest affirmation for my aroace-ness for me was when I had been been hanging w this guy but now we were alone and I knew he wanted to kiss me, so in my mind I was like... "I could finally have my first kiss rn if I wanted to" then he complimented me and I said "thanks! K bye!" He was so confused and I felt so EMPOWERED and that was when I knew for sure. More recently I had a fun experience because my aunt, who knows I'm aroace but does not know I'm agender, conflated gender and sexuality saying "these twins, a boy and girl, but the boy is gay and the girl is lesbian so the boy was supposed to be a girl and the girl was supposed to be a boy" and I did not have the energy to educate her but I just thought it was hilarious because if that's her logic then she should already know I'm agender. That is all the stories I have. I don’t know if this is weird but if I may plug something real quick I am currently seeking a platonic wife (all genders can apply and the title is up for negotiation) I make great vegan baked goods, have 2 cats and a bunny, and I'm Canadian so a greencard is on the table. @jynjergo on Twitter or insta.” Please apply there. Okay. Here’s what I would like to go back to. Has anyone in the chat had a crush on more than one person at once? Because I have not — I logically can understand that this can happen — I guess this is a demi thing huh? 

SARAH: It’s like love triangles, I’m like how?

KAYLA: For me when I get a crush on someone it takes up so much of my energy that I can’t do that twice. That’s like cheating on one of the people. You’ve never really liked anyone.

SARAH: I’ve never had a real crush so I can’t tell you.

KAYLA: I’m shook that anyone could do that. 

SARAH: I think that’s part of the reason that I feel so weird about love triangles. It’s because first of all, often it’s two guys fighting over a girl and that’s like, what’s happening here? Very heteronormative and weird and you don’t own her and what? But also I can’t fathom experiencing that for one person much less two. Also, make it poly, I don’t care. 

KAYLA: Should we do some coming out stories? We haven’t done any coming out stories. 

SARAH: Jynjer just tuned in just in time.

KAYLA: Oh my god. Jynjer it looks like you have a lot of people applying to be your platonic wife so.

(55:00)

SARAH: Translation for me from SOUP. “You can stan multiple members of BTS” I get it now. 

KAYLA: I still don’t 

SARAH: SOUP has just explained everything to me. It makes sense. 

KAYLA: I’m confused. Alright. “Is there an application form I can sign?” Jynjer let us know if there’s an application we can forward to all these people who want to apply to be your platonic wife. Okay, let’s see. This is a coming out story. Are you ready? It’s kind of coming out. I don’t know. This is from Blake. She/they/he. *gasp* “My DMs are open on Twitter.” Everyone can DM Jynjer on Twitter to apply to be their platonic wife.

SARAH: Name negotiable.

KAYLA: Terms and conditions apply. Blake she/they/he: “I'm a young ace (14 years old) and something I want adult aces (and really all a-specs) to know is how in my experience asexuality is unambiguously accepted by people my age. I came out as ace for the first time a year and a half ago, and then as aro about a month after. I'm now out to the majority of my friend group as aroace, and am slowly working up the courage to tell them I'm genderfluid. I was so nervous to come out, but it turned out to not even be much of an issue. I'm still shocked about how to this day almost every single person I've come out to as ace or aro has already known what it was. I've had to explain what ace meant only once, and also what aro meant only once. Besides the fact that the first person I came out to as aro had a crush on me (oof), my coming out experience has been pretty much perfect. I've also been shocked by how many people I know who are also a-spec. Turns out a very close friend of mine I've known since I was 9 is also ace, and I also personally know at least 2 other ace-specs, a questioning ace, and 2 aro-specs who all go to my school. Also last year the sign for my middle school's GSA club had the ace flag included on it right next to the gay, bi, pan, trans, and nonbinary flags, which made me incredibly happy. Of course do take into account that I live in a fairly progressive US state and also almost everyone I've come out to is also queer, (just bc the majority of my friends happen to be queer), so is more likely to know about other queer identities, but even then I just think in general younger people are just more accepting than adults. I guess I just want people to know that even though it feels like we're barely making progress on ace visibility sometimes, it IS working. Ace activism makes an impact, I know because I can feel it. I can see the difference between the stories people older than me have about when they try to talk about asexuality and my experiences. More people then ever now know what asexuality is, and more kids then ever are going to grow up knowing that not everybody feels attraction. More and more a-specs are going to find the label that fits them earlier in life, and know that there are other people like them, and there will be less and less a-spec kids who are made to feel like they're broken. We ARE making an impact. We ARE making progress. However slow it may seem.” 

SARAH: I am crying in the club.

KAYLA: That’s wild that there’s 20,000 aspec people in Blake’s club. That’s so many. I only know of one other person from my high school who ended up being aspec because they recently messaged me. They were like, “sup?”

SARAH: I know —

KAYLA: Zero. 

SARAH: Big big zero.

KAYLA: But also your school’s bigger than mine.

SARAH: I also know of more queer people. When I was in high school, my senior year, there was someone who came out as trans — it was his senior, my junior year.

KAYLA: There’s a lot of people I went to high school with who are queer. But most of them came out after they graduated.

SARAH: There were a few that were out when I was in high school.

KAYLA: That do be wild though. Congrats Blake on your success.

SARAH: Blake you rock.

KAYLA: Blake you’ve won. I want to do our last voice message from Barefoot Backpacker and it’s about older aces and I feel like it would go well with that, but it’s too big to be on my phone so now I have to figure out how to play it on my computer so you can all here it. So, here’s what we’re going to do.

SARAH: Do you want me to talk about something else in the meantime?

KAYLA: You certainly are allowed to.

SARAH: Oh god I don’t know why I asked that I’m certainly not prepared.

KAYLA:  We’ll figure it out. I’m going to try to unplug my headphones.

SARAH: Question from Reign. “Only really came to terms with my asexuality this year. I’ve been hearing about cake and I  love it and I love baking cake for people. But I don’t completely understand the cake thing though, what does it mean??”  The cake thing started from the joke that a lot of aspec folks would rather have cake than have sex. Some people maybe they’re on the same level —  sex, cake. I personally would rather have cake. So that’s where that came from and it became a thing. 

KAYLA: Okay I’m going to try to do this. I also realized that this whole time my audio was coming from my headphones and not my microphones. 

SARAH: Is that why the audio was so bad? I almost asked to confirm and then I was like, no I trust her.

KAYLA: Don’t look at me, no one perceive me.

SARAH: Ohhh Kayla.

KAYLA: No one perceive me at this time. Sarah’s so mad at me.

SARAH: Oh my god. I almost asked you, I really almost did.

KAYLA: So I guess it’s your fault. Oh, I sound better now. Alright let’s see if this will play.

BAREFOOT BACKPACKER: Hi I’m Ian. Otherwise known as the Barefoot Backpacker. 

KAYLA: Can you hear that?

SARAH: Yes it’s so much better.

KAYLA: Well it’s coming from my computer now. This is Barefoot Backpacker, who has the most soothing voice in the world. Everyone enjoy. 

BAREFOOT BACKPACKER: And I’m 45 years old, which is somewhat older than the average person who identifies as asexual. “Well I wouldn’t know for sure unless” is a phrase I’ve used many times before in my life. Now this may well be a strong case of too much information but it’s pretty much the primary reason I ended my virginity. I wouldn’t say “lost,” I know exactly when and where it happened and why. It was in the bedroom in the house I was renting as a student to a lady who’d been dropping strong hints for the previous 8 months. I was 20 and a half years old and it was something I’d always been avoiding because it was something I didn’t think I was going to enjoy. Or, very good at, but I figured I would try just in case I was wrong. Listeners, I was not wrong. When I was 17, I kept a diary as most teenagers did. And still conforming, I wrote down details of all people I had crushes on people I liked. At school, most of my friends were girls. I had quite a lot of pen pals and I enjoyed the connection I had with them. That feeling of being close, yet at a safe distance. They often used to ask questions of me like, “why are boys?” assuming that I’d be able to answer yet even them I knew I wasn’t quite the same as the ones they were snogging. Some of them I did develop little weird crushes on when I wrote about them in my diary, it’s clear in hindsight that I tended towards the asexual spectrum. “I wish I was holding her hand.” “I want to hug her.” But also, I don’t ever imagine having sex though. I should have realized then but back in the 90s the word asexuality didn’t really exist, or at least it wasn’t common knowledge if it did. And in any case, it wasn’t something that bothered me at the time, I never really thought about it. It just wasn’t important. Yet, it was always something lurking in the background of my relationships. None of them ever really developed much beyond the "honeymoon" stage. Note that I have been engaged 3 times, but the latter two were more hope beyond expectation and I think truly weren’t right for me and I’m friends with both of them still. Indeed, I’m friends with most of my exes and for this reason my dismissal of sex has been relatively unimportant, meaning there ends up being very little difference between friends and relationships so much that the latter come from and quickly return to the former. Or it was there, latent. It wasn’t until I read an article in The Guardian late 2012, that I first came across the word asexual and it resonated with me. The more I thought about it, the more I felt comfortable taking the word on as my own. There was a word I could finally use in enough detail to be meaningful. Well that’s my discovery, what about the others? Where are all the other older asexuals? See, it’s likely that we do just what gay men did previously. We hide in plain sight. We mouth the words, go through the motions of a normal life, despite knowing it felt wrong but not doing anything about it. How many people married just for the show, not for the love or connection? I remember of course asexuals can have sex, some even enjoy it, but by not experiencing sexual attraction, they would be stuck in a heterosexual dystopia, not free to explore their own identity. Among the older generation, especially those in long term marriages, having been introduced to the word asexuality, was there a little confusion ever? What it means? How do you know that you’re asexual rather than comfortably indifferent to sex? Think of being married for 20 years, many people no longer have the urge. Or remember that’s not what asexuality is. It’s not about how much sex you have but how much sexual attraction you experience. And yes, if you’ve been married 20 years and have sex once a week you could be asexual. But it’s more like you could have sexual attraction to your partner, you just don’t want to act on it frequently. You’d rather eat cake because it’s easier than having sex not because you don’t have the attraction to have sex. So what can we do? Do we encourage more Gen X or even boomers to come out as asexual? Will it make a difference? One might argue it’s not as important to come out. By the time you reach your 30s even, you think your life has passed and people think it’s “too late to change course,” that “ahh if I was younger I’d have known but what’s the point now?” Or, “well, it’s got this far, I can cope” or “what about my family what will my descendants think if I change now? Is it even relevant to me? I’ve been in a relationship for X number of years.” These are all thoughts society has conditioned into our heteronormativity. So that we don’t feel like we belong, so that we feel like we’re appropriating asexual culture and identity for our own benefit. Maybe we let ourselves believe we are going through mid-life crisis in the same way that youngsters are experimenting just after puberty. Previous generations bought motorbikes, discovered their alter credentials and took up crochet. If we started saying, “it’s okay to be asexual,” would we see an increase in the number of people getting divorced, deciding to take up ultra running or spoon whittling in the forest? Because fewer of us have come out, there are fewer role models to say, if all of the little asexual representation there is, is at the younger end of the age spectrum, will anyone believe us? Because people of our age don’t do that sort of thing. In a way it’s kind of like a chicken or egg scenario. Without the representation we’re not going to come out but if we don’t come out, there’ll be no representation. This also means, by coming out, it’s much harder to relate so there’s no reference point. What does coming out mean in the context of an older asexual? How do we explain without a 30-minute Ted Talk each time, especially to our peers who have been brought up in the same environments? We don’t have the support networks the younger people have, the representation, the communities, or places like Discord and Tumblr and YouTube, whereas people my age are most likely to hang out on places like Facebook and Twitter. There are of course benefits to coming out: the feeling of being free at last to be yourself, the realization of why your previous relationships haven’t worked out, self-awareness, realization of why you act the way you do, and maybe if there is a community, you’ll fit in regardless of age. And the more people like you there are, the bigger the community and the bigger the spirit. In my experience, the communities I’ve found haven’t had a problem with people my age, even if some of them are made up of people 30 years younger than me. I don’t know how I would have felt at the age of 15 if someone 30 years older than me was in my social group but in a way it’s kind of useful. They appreciate my discoveries and their activism help me with mine.

KAYLA: That was the most soothing thing I’ve ever listened to in my life. I’m going to switch back to my headphones so there’s not a drastic difference to my audio quality.

SARAH: No.

KAYLA: Just leave it?

SARAH: Just leave it. It sounds better. Fucking hate you.

KAYLA: I’m sorry. There’s a lot of technical issues.

SARAH: Anyway, thank you Barefoot Backpacker. What a delight.

KAYLA: Incredibly soothing and beautiful. And also incredibly good to hear the experience of older aces. The last thing we’re going to do before we go is read through some of the resources that people wanted to shout out. Here are some of the resources that people wanted to shout: Lari wants to promote the The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project runs Pride Chats. On the last weekend of every month they do a chat, it’s at https://taaap.org and you can join their Discord. SarahSupaStar wants to shout out the Tumblr aspecpplarebeautiful.tumblr.com. They’re very positive and they answer a bunch of questions, also recommending the book “Loveless,” obviously, “The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy” by Mackenzi Lee — it also has ace rep,which is very exciting — no, it doesn’t include the term “ace” but the protagonist is disinterested in sex and romance. Ace Owl is working on research into aphobia. They have a website in progress. You can go to https://asexualresearchstudies.carrd.co/ to see how that is going. Drew wants to shout out Elle Rose, @scretladyspider, who you love for being a passionate activist and advocate, a great writer and a really good friend. Go check them out on YouTube and Twitter they’re very good. Destiny wants to shout out Swank IV, “an amazing asexual Youtuber who has had me on her channel” Check her out. Also shouting out The braiding body shame online conference which will be in January of 2021. Hallie wants to shout out AZE journal (azejournal.com) created by Michael Paramo, it’s a collection of self-expression, art, poetry, writings. Their favorites are "Summer Camp,” “Touch,” and "When the Absence of Tangibility Makes Love Like That™ Unattainable.” Those are the resources.

SARAH: Yay! Okay for those listening in podcast form, we are going to stick around on our livestream and read some more stuff but the podcast is over.

KAYLA: It’s over go home. Don’t go home! Go to the livestream where you can hear more content.

SARAH: Indeed. Before you do that, we have our whole outro. Kayla, what’s our poll for this week?

KAYLA: Oh, no. Oh no. How was your Ace Week?

SARAH: Okay.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: Kayla what’s your beef and your juice this week?

KAYLA: Hold on.

SARAH: Okay, I’ll do mine. My beef is lunch. I hate the concept of lunch. Why do I get hungry in the middle of the day? I like eating, I like food, I don’t like lunch. There are distinct breakfast foods, there are dinner foods, what is lunch? Sandwiches? No.

KAYLA: I mean yes but you just don’t like sandwiches.

SARAH: I have to make food in the middle of the day? Are you kidding?

KAYLA: This is why you make extra dinner — my lunch is typically leftovers.

SARAH: But I do that for dinner. I just make a bunch of dinner.

KAYLA: Make more dinner.

SARAH: Yep it’s definitely connected to your mic now.

KAYLA: Do I look like Rudolph a little bit?

SARAH: I hate this. My juice is that the last few days I’ve been able to sleep with my door wide open because it’s been cool enough and it has been such a delight. My other juice is the concept of hope I think it’s good. 

KAYLA: Haven’t you already done that?

SARAH: Uh huh. I have. Just again.

KAYLA: My beef. “Meal prep for lunch?” Imagine being Daniel. My beef is, I’m sure I’ve hated something recently. My beef is that things are expensive. I personally am not someone that spends a lot of money. I just don’t spend a lot of money usually except for recently I became unemployed — by choice, everyone calm down. No one was upset. Everyone’s like, don’t care. I recently became unemployed by choice so I’m not making money. So I shouldn’t spend money. As soon as I became unemployed, I was like, there’s several things I’d like to buy. Which is like, why did my brain do that? I guess that’s my beef.

SARAH: Also my beef is that we’re about to lose this fucking football game. 

KAYLA: Are we really?

SARAH: There’s 30 seconds left, it’s 27-24.

KAYLA: We’re so embarrassing.

SARAH: I’m pissed. Michigan State lost to Rutgers last week.

KAYLA: This is embarrassing. I don’t want to go downstairs, they’re all a bunch of State fans downstairs. I’m just simply not going to go downstairs. My juice is that me and Dean signed the lease for our apartment but really it’s a townhouse and it’s very cute and in the neighborhood we’re living in the person had a Biden-Harris sign, and a couple of neighbors had gay flags in their windows so the vibes of the neighborhood were just very good. There were 2 stray cats walking around. The apartment is just very beautiful and it’s very exciting. And there’s a second bedroom so Sarah can come live with me. 
SARAH: Okay. You can find our poll, tell us about your beef, your juice, your Ace Week activities on our social media @soundsfakepod. You can also find us on Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We have new $2 patron it’s Francis Franklin and Francis Franklin technically a £2 patron. 

KAYLA: Yeah, that’s true. Welcome Francis, hello.

SARAH: I did the conversion, that was still less than $5 so unfortunately you’re still in the $2 tier.

KAYLA: Dang it.

SARAH: Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Derrick and Carissa, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie and Tessa. That is the first time I’ve done it in one breath.

KAYLA: That is very exciting. Someone just asked if my cat is coming with me. My cat is coming with me, yes don’t worry.

SARAH: Our $10 patrons are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, anonymous who would like to promote spooky Halloween which is TODAY, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote the book "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote her dogs Leia, Minnie, and Max, H. Valdís, Purple Chickadee who would like to promote wonder poem that they provided us today and also ichliebevogel.wordpress.com, Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote it being acceptable to get therapy and also his very soothing voice, I need a therapist, anyway. Ashlynn Boedecker, who is @shlynnbo everywhere, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to promote please vote if you haven’t doen it yet, please vote, and Mattie who bumped from $2 who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez which is a young adult novel about a privileged girl who has to work with a group of survivors to help prevent the world they know from ending. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs and the fact that she dressed my dog as RBG for Halloween, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Dia Chappell who would like to promote the Underrealm series by Garret Robinson, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote mental health, and Miranda Denton who is a new patron who would like to promote Casa Q which is the only LGBTQ youth shelter in New Mexico, which sad that there’s only one but I’m glad it exists. 

KAYLA: Thank you for joining!

SARAH: Yes, thank you. And of course Dragonfly who would like to promote always losing at home against your rival.

KAYLA: Also voting. If you have not early voting, or absent voted and voting on vote day, please vote on vote day.

SARAH: Please vote on vote day. Also someone said, “the list has gotten so long I’m only on episode 120-something.” Yeah the list has gotten very long. We thank you all.

KAYLA: We thank you all for your support

SARAH: Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. And Kayla will be through her fucking microphone next time.

KAYLA: Now your audio sounds kind of weird. Anyway. And until then, take good care of your cows.