Hey what's up hello! This week Kayla and Sarah talk to their friend Cody about polyamory and polyamorous. They talk about misconceptions, definitions, and what it means to be in a polyamorous relationship. Take a listen and learn about other sexualities with us! (This episode was recorded pre-summer ~ sorry for any confusion!)
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/polyamory
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! This week Kayla and Sarah talk to their friend Cody about polyamory and polyamorous. They talk about misconceptions, definitions, and what it means to be in a polyamorous relationship. Take a listen and learn about other sexualities with us! (This episode was recorded pre-summer ~ sorry for any confusion!)
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/polyamory
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a demi straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.)
DAKOTA: I’m Dakota, and I’m being pointed at.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode:
BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro music*
KAYLA: On today’s episode, polyamory.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: I think that might be your new intro, because you’ve done that like –
SARAH: Oh no, I’m intentionally doing that every time now.
KAYLA: Oh, I was not informed.
SARAH: Yeah, I’ve been doing that on purpose.
KAYLA: Interesting. Alright, cool to be in the loop, thanks Sarah.
SARAH: Okay. So fun fact about this podcast is if you’re a patron on Patreon, and you give us $10 or more a month, you can request a topic.
KAYLA: And we will most definitely do it, because everyone can request something, but if you are a $10 [patron], we’re going to do it.
SARAH: Yes, and our single $10 patron Emma, she requested months ago, sorry Emma, she requested that we talk about polyamory and that whole umbrella of things, and we were like hey, we’re not qualified to talk about that –
KAYLA: At all.
SARAH: But we were like, you know what we have? A friend –
KAYLA: Resources.
SARAH: Who is qualified.
KAYLA: A singular friend.
DAKOTA: Am I?
KAYLA: More than us. Far more than us.
SARAH: But that friend is here with us today. Kody, tell us about yourself.
DAKOTA: Alright, I’m Dakota or Kody, both.
SARAH AND KAYLA: (laugh)
KAYLA: Dakody.
DAKOTA: Dakody, something like that. I use they/them/theirs pronouns, I’m currently actually single, which is not a promotion, that’s just –
KAYLA: How it is.
DAKOTA: How it is, and relevant, in fact. I’ve done the polyamorous thing in various ways, several times. I’m 19 years old, obviously not the voice of anyone but me, and I’m also the voice of me at 19 at this point in my life.
So I’ve dated multiple people at the same time with everyone’s knowing consent, I have been in otherwise monogamous but open relationships, to varying degrees.
KAYLA: So that’s kind of a basic definition of polyamory a bit, but how would you describe it to someone that has never heard of it before?
DAKOTA: So basically, when you’re dating a person and you’re in a relationship with them, in our society most of the time, people would assume that to be a monogamous relationship. So I’m going to start by defining monogamy, so that would just be when you are exclusively dating one person, you do not go on dates with or become romantically or sexually involved with other people during the course of that relationship; if you did, it would be considered cheating.
Polyamory is essentially the same thing as that, but with more people. There are many different types of relationships in which one person dates multiple people, or both or all of the people involved in the relationship are also dating other people, and there’s also just open relationships where it’s either an otherwise monogamous relationship, or a relationship with more than two people and there is also the option to become romantically or sexually involved with people outside of the relationship.
Do you want me to do vocab?
SARAH AND KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: If you feel it’s necessary.
DAKOTA: Okay, so just things that I say, polycule is a polyamorous relationship, so not a couple, a polycule.
KAYLA: So more than two people in a relationship?
DAKOTA: Yeah.
SARAH: But how you would refer to –
DAKOTA: That group, yeah.
KAYLA: That’s exciting, and cute.
DAKOTA: Types of polycules include Vs, in which one person is dating two people equally. There’s an open relationship being different from a polyamorous relationship, a polycule. When two people, or more people are dating the same person, but not dating each other, they are called metamours. The feeling of joy for when your partner is feeling fulfilled and happy thanks to romantic or physical attraction and bonding with another person who is not yourself is called compersion, it’s kind of the opposite of jealousy.
SARAH: Yay, that’s fun. I guess the first question I would like to ask is what do you feel the biggest misconceptions are around polyamory and polyamorous relationships?
DAKOTA: I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that polyamorous relationships are not committed, that polyamory is for people who have trouble with commitment. A relationship involving more than two people or even open relationships do not involve any less commitment than closed monogamous relationships do. They honestly often involve more time and energy if only because of scheduling. The first time that I was dating two people at the same time, my largest complaint was just how fast my phone battery died –
SARAH AND KAYLA: (laugh)
DAKOTA: Because I was talking to people and trying to schedule things so much. But it definitely has nothing to do with not being able to commit, it’s really just about sharing.
SARAH: There’s so much love to share.
DAKOTA: There’s so much love to share. I don’t know if this is necessarily the appropriate or most relevant time to talk about this, but the polyamorous flag has red, black and dark blue stripes and it has a pi symbol in gold in the middle, and the pi symbol is there because love is not like a pie, you don’t cut it up into pieces and give it out and that’s it, love is like pi, it’s irrational and infinite.
SARAH: Goes on forever, that’s so cute, what the fuck.
KAYLA: That’s so poetic.
SARAH: I’ve actually never seen the, I’ve never seen that flag.
KAYLA: I don’t think I’ve ever seen that flag.
SARAH: Well that’s stupid, that flag should be everywhere.
DAKOTA: Well, it’s actually interesting because I, as a queer polyamorous person, am still kind of on the fence about whether I consider polyamorous to be an LGBT+ identity in itself.
KAYLA: I was going to ask if you consider being polyamorous part of your sexuality, or just part of what you do? Do you identify as polyamorous, or do you identify as someone who has had and is open to polyamorous relationships?
DAKOTA: Okay, so first of all, I know a lot of people who do identify as polyamorous, some of those people are dating someone, some of those people are dating multiple people, some of those people are currently in monogamous relationships. The people I’ve met who identify as polyamorous are usually the people who I’ve met and have had conversations with entailing the fact that they could not be in a monogamous relationship and feel comfortable being required to be monogamous, even if you are only dating one person.
KAYLA: They always need that option.
DAKOTA: Not even that option, but just the acknowledgement that it’s not the only option. That doesn’t make sense, but anyway.
SARAH: So they don’t want to feel like they’re being forced into this corner of monogamy.
DAKOTA: Right. I have, at points in time – So I started knowing about polyamory when I was 17, and I’m three weeks from 20 at this point and I have, during those three years or so, identified as polyamorous. I have not been doing that so much, I don’t necessarily consider it to be part of my sexuality right now. I do consider it to be an intrinsic part of who I am and what I’m looking for in relationships, I do not want to be in a committed relationship with someone who is not okay with the fact that I prefer to be in open relationships.
I don’t think I would consider being polyamorous to be part of my sexuality; I do consider it to be part of my identity.
KAYLA: Okay, just as a person, as a whole.
(10:00)
DAKOTA: Yes. I’ve to some degree stopped dividing my identity into smaller pieces like that, for a bit. It’s definitely part of who I am as a person, I’m much more fulfilled in my relationships and pursuit of relationships knowing that I am not a bad person, and that the way that I feel and the needs that I have do not make me immature and –
KAYLA: Before you learned what polyamory was, did you feel that way, that you were a bad person, or that you weren’t going about relationships in a way that you were “supposed” to?
DAKOTA: Short answer is yes.
KAYLA: Okay.
ALL: (laugh)
DAKOTA: I felt bad about how I would encounter representations of people cheating, and the way that I would react to that was thinking, seems to me like they could have just communicated about this and everything would have been fine. And then I felt very bad about feeling that way, because that was not something that I could see anywhere. There was nothing that told me that yes, if you communicate with your partner and talk to your partner, why would being involved with multiple people not be okay?
SARAH: I mean, in our culture, the mindset is very much you are in a monogamous relationship, and if you do anything that’s not considered monogamous, then it’s cheating and it’s bad, and that’s the only, you know, that’s it.
DAKOTA: Mmm, and I guess my point is that polyamory is on a very case-by-case basis, it is about every individual relationship and there is no right way to do polyamory. There are wrong ways to do it, they involve not communicating with your partner, mostly.
SARAH: I think that just applies to most relationships.
DAKOTA: Exactly. There are wrong ways to do polyamory which are also the wrong ways to do monogamy, and polyamory is not doing monogamy wrong, it’s just a thing.
Also, I think that in the LGBTQ community, we are currently moving out of an era of trying to show the world that we are just like straight, cis people and because that is what we are currently moving away from – I think we are moving away from that, I hope a little that we are moving away from that because celebrating differences is cool. I’m not super fluent in my queer history right now, but there was a time when polyamory was very much a part of queer culture and I think that we as a community push that away a bit, because we were trying to be accepted –
SARAH: Be like the straights, so they would accept us?
DAKOTA: Right, and I think that we may have lost something there. What was the question? I don’t remember.
KAYLA: It’s fine. We answered it.
SARAH: We never end up straight up answering anything, we always just end up –
KAYLA: But you also answered it, so you’re good. So you said you prefer for all your relationships to be at least open, so have you ever had someone that was a potential partner be like, no, can’t, don’t wanna, uncomfortable?
DAKOTA: Okay, so when I came out as polyamorous, which is a weird thing to say, I was dating someone. I continued to date him for another two years after that.
KAYLA: Damn.
DAKOTA: Yeah. So anyone who I was trying to date through my junior and senior years of high school and my freshman year of college, anyone I was trying to date then, I was also already dating someone so that obviously would have not worked if they wanted me to not be dating him anymore, because I liked him.
SARAH: They knew.
DAKOTA: Right, they always knew. Anyone who I so much as kissed during that time was aware previously, because I think communication is very important, and letting people know what they’re getting into when they have any type of relationship with me, is very important to me. Communication is key, consent is key. Hydration is key, that’s not relevant.
SARAH AND KAYLA: (laugh)
SARAH: Hydration is so important.
KAYLA: Those are all just important things for life.
SARAH: Listen, if you don’t hydrate well your relationships aren’t going to be good because you’re going to be tired or dead.
KAYLA: That’s fair, I suppose.
DAKOTA: This is not relevant whatsoever, but any time I say one of those three catchphrases, my friend follows it with ‘guac is extra’ –
SARAH AND KAYLA: (laugh)
DAKOTA: And I hate him for it.
SARAH: No, that’s beautiful, I love it. Guac is extra and everyone knows.
KAYLA: In more ways than one.
DAKOTA: It’s one of those things he and I just do –
KAYLA: I love it.
DAKOTA: Without fail.
KAYLA: True platonic love, to be honest.
DAKOTA: Truly, honestly.
ALL: (laugh)
DAKOTA: Anyway, so that was happening and then very soon – I broke up with him and then there was a summer where I didn’t date anyone because I was living at home, and lonely –
KAYLA: Me, tag yourself.
DAKOTA: And then I started dating someone again and that relationship was open from the start. So to answer your question directly, that has not happened to me yet.
I have no doubt that it will; it will be a dealbreaker when it does. I, as a personal rule, will not go out with anyone who is not open to the idea – No, I will not go out with someone who is not okay with me being polyamorous. Obviously, that is a thing I will talk with my partners [about] on a case-by-case basis, what they are comfortable with, what level of communication we’re going to have about everything.
My friend from high school did end a fairly committed relationship because his partner was not comfortable with him being polyamorous and failed to communicate that until they were well into their relationship.
KAYLA: Yikes.
SARAH: I feel like that’s the sort of thing where, obviously I’m not a person that dates people, but if I were to go into a relationship, that’s a perfectly valid thing to be like, hey, I need this to be obvious between the two of us that this is fine, because it reminded me when you said that, it reminded me of if someone were bi and they were dating someone of another gender, and then they found out that their partner was homophobic and they’re like, oh I’m bi, maybe you should have known that at the beginning.
KAYLA: Did the person they were dating know that they were poly and just didn’t –
DAKOTA: Yes.
KAYLA: So my wonder, and obviously I don’t know the relationship was like, my wonder almost is if they knew and they were hoping that they wouldn’t act on it, and were just hopeful –
DAKOTA: Yes. I can’t speak to that relationship because I don’t know the partner in question very well and I’m not in that relationship, but I am fairly certain that that is what was going on, that it was a hope like oh, but I’m special enough that they’ll want to settle down with me, which is just not how it works.
SARAH: That’s kind of gross.
DAKOTA: And maybe for some people it is, some people who have been in polyamorous relationships in the past can be perfectly happy in a monogamous relationship –
SARAH: And be fulfilled in that relationship.
DAKOTA: Right, the same way that plenty of bisexual people end up marrying someone of another gender, it doesn’t mean that they’re no longer bisexual, it means that they found someone they wanted to marry.
KAYLA: I don't necessarily think that's gross. I think in relationships that's often common, no matter what it is. Like me when I had that thing with the kid who was like, I don't want anything serious. I could have just kept being a casual thing with him, and hoping in the back of my head, oh maybe he'll settle down with me because he really likes me. That's obviously a very different and straight situation, but I think that's very common in dating situations.
DAKOTA: It's common, I don't think it necessarily makes it any less gross.
SARAH: The reason I say it's gross is because it makes me feel like that person is thinking they can fix the other person, and I think what you said isn't quite the same situation.
KAYLA: Well I think it depends on the situation. It depends on the mindset of whether you think there's something to be fixed, and if you think there is something wrong. I think it's definitely case-by-case whether it's wrong or not.
(20:00)
DAKOTA: But I think even if you don't think your partner being polyamorous is a bad thing, a wrong thing - I'm doing finger quotes, you can't see me. Even if you don't think it's a bad or wrong thing, it is still a fundamental person - huh. (laughs)
KAYLA: (laughs) It’s a person.
DAKOTA: It is still a fundamental part of the person who you are dating and I don't know why you would date someone if you want to change something so large about them.
KAYLA: That's very fair, that's fair.
SARAH: Because in the situation you're talking about, it's not necessarily a part of that person's being, if you're not ready right now. It's not part of your identity.
DAKOTA: We had social psych together Kayla.
KAYLA: Yes.
DAKOTA: And we talked a lot about person and situation and how they interact, and that I think is very much a situational –
KAYLA: If you're definitely hoping, yes, I understand. If it's something about the person you're hoping is changing, then that's - maybe back right out of that situation.
DAKOTA: I think if in that situation you were just talking about where one partner is hoping that the other will decide that in fact, they have become romantically attached, and they do want something more serious, I think it would be different if the person said, I don't do relationships.
KAYLA: Yeah if the person says this is something I’m not interested in, I don't ever want to ever do that, then hoping that you could change that is kind of selfish, I think.
SARAH: I guess the question I had would be, even if you're not in a relationship but if you are specifically in a poly relationship, especially I'm just thinking of people in generations above us, how open are you comfortable being with people when they're like hey, got a boyfriend? And you're like, two actually.
DAKOTA: That's another thing that I take very situationally, and also for me that very much depends on what kind of relationship, relationships I'm in at that moment. When I was in high school dating two people, I think I might have – I don't think I told my mom. If I'm dating two people, there are plenty of people who I will tell that to. If I'm in an open relationship I don't feel the need to tell that two people I'm not actively trying to date.
SARAH: I feel like as an ace person, I often try to avoid bringing up my aceness if I'm talking to someone who I'm not relatively close with, not because necessarily I'm embarrassed of it, but I'm not sure how they're going to react.
KAYLA: Well it’s also, do you want to get into a 20 minutes TED Talk about it?
SARAH: Exactly, I don’t want to sit this person down and be like, so, this is what asexuality is, that's not what I want. There have been a couple of times where I’ve been kind of cornered into something, usually by someone who's drunk, but even then I never come out straight – Come out straight?
ALL: (laugh)
KAYLA: You would never do that, Sarah.
SARAH: I never come out and straight up say, you know, hey I’m ace, especially if they're drunk.
KAYLA: They don't need that.
SARAH: Sometimes I feel bad that I do that, just because I don't want it to seem like I'm embarrassed of this part of my identity -
KAYLA: But it's also not your responsibility to educate the world and tell people about yourself.
DAKOTA: Here's my former GSA president in me, you get to tell people what you want to tell them. You are not responsible for the education of all of those around you. That being said, I understand, I get it, especially because as a - well, first of all as a pansexual person, I have definitely said in the past week I'm bi, because that can be easier to understand. And it's so situational and deciding what you want people to know about you, and deciding how you want to phrase it to them so that they understand, or whether it's so that you will be perceived in a certain way. Especially as a non-binary individual, deciding when to come out, because as a non-binary individual who does not look androgynous really in anyway – This is turning into a whole other conversation. You should have me back to talk about that.
SARAH: We will have you back as many times as you want, Kody.
DAKOTA: Anyway, as a non-binary individual who doesn't look very androgynous at all, in order to have people to perceive me the way I want them to perceive me I have to tell them. So I get it, is what I'm saying. You can get all of that, I’m just sitting here talking. I love the sound of my own voice.
SARAH: I love the sound of your voice.
KAYLA: I thought you were about to compliment yourself Sarah, and I was like -
SARAH: I actually hate the sound of my own voice.
KAYLA: Same.
DAKOTA: I’m not going to listen to this after, because I don’t like the sound of my recorded voice, because no one does.
KAYLA: Because then you hear your voice and you’re like, is that what it sounds like?
DAKOTA: No, but I love talking.
KAYLA: I have a question I feel is probably a common misconception, and I feel like – I don’t know if this is an insulting question, because I feel like this must be a question that poly people get a lot –
DAKOTA: If you ask it and I don’t want to answer it or I want you to rephrase it, I will tell you.
KAYLA: Obviously. So I feel like for me, I don’t think of myself as an overly jealous person, and obviously if you’re poly and you – What was the word you used that is you finding joy for –
DAKOTA: Compersion.
KAYLA: Compersion. So you said that was kind of like the opposite of jealousy. Obviously to be in a poly relationship, I think jealousy has to be a non-issue, or if it is, it’s something that is very communicated about, I guess. I’m basically just asking about jealousy, I guess.
DAKOTA: Yeah. I think that jealousy probably will always be a part of relationships, the same way that when you find out that your friend had dinner with someone and you kind of thought that maybe you would eat together that night –
SARAH: Yeah, because jealous is something that happens in all relationships, or it can happen in all relationships.
KAYLA: I get so mad at Sarah for having other friends.
SARAH: Yeah, she does.
KAYLA: Not so mad that I stop her having other friends.
DAKOTA: So I teach preschool, and that does happen a lot in friendships, and I think that we a little bit forget that as we get older, because we are trained to be more adult in our relationships and recognize jealous feelings as something that is often very silly, and if it is not silly, that you should talk about it. And even if it is silly, maybe you should talk about it, because if you can’t communicate honestly about your feelings with the people who you love and are close to, then why are you close to them?
SARAH: I can’t communicate with anyone about anything, but that’s my problem.
DAKOTA: But –
KAYLA: True.
DAKOTA: You know that about yourself.
SARAH: I do know that about myself.
DAKOTA: So the jealousy thing, it comes down to communication. It comes down to hey, I really feel like you’ve been spending more time with your other partner than with me, or I really feel like you are putting more effort into finding casual hookups than you are with planning to go on dates with me. Or hey, I really that because we’re both dating other people, we’ve grown apart a little, what can we do to remedy how I’m feeling? And not just the symptom, but the cause, what can we do to both feel, all feel, more fulfilled in the relationship that we’re in?
Most of my feelings about polyamory will always come down to communication, it will come down to acknowledging that no relationship is perfect, and acknowledging that you will always need to communicate with your partner, with your partners, no matter how well you know them, or how long you’ve been dating. There should always, always be time to talk about things, and if there is not time in your relationship to talk about things, you need to make time.
And I’m not telling anyone how to live their life, I’m not telling anyone how to be in any of the relationships that they are in, but I think that we as a society have this weird problem in which we don’t talk to the people we’re romantically involved with about things that matter to us, and I think we have this trope of – I haven’t been straight for a long time, so correct me if I’m wrong, but we kind of have this trope of just things that people who are specifically married, but [also] in relationships, don’t talk about, for some reason, or arguments that keep happening, I don’t know.
(30:00)
Like I said, I have not been straight in a long time, I have been having very unorthodox relationships, romantic relationships for a good long while now, so I might be just out of touch with what the rest of the world –
KAYLA: No, I think that’s a common trope with married couples is they always joke oh, after you get married, you’re going to stop having sex eventually because you hate each other and it’s like, why –
DAKOTA: Right, and why first of all would you stop having sex if you like having sex with the other person?
KAYLA: What is happening?
DAKOTA: Schedule that shit.
SARAH and DAKOTA: (laugh)
DAKOTA: Listen, you schedule when you’re going to go out to a nice restaurant, you schedule when you’re going to have sex sometimes, because that’s what you have to do.
KAYLA: You’re busy people.
DAKOTA: Yeah, you’re busy people. And you know, I think that everyone should always be prepared for when they’re going to have sex with someone, they should know about it ahead of time. I think that that’s nice to know. That’s a different story, that’s consent and stuff. Anyway, and second of all, I don’t think that you should grow to hate a person who you have decided to spend your life with, and if you do, don’t just live like that.
SARAH: I think there’s just like this, excuse my use of the word toxic, but this toxic mindset in the world of heteronormativity where it’s like, once you get married, the old ball and chain on your husband, your wife’s going to nag you, or whatever. It’s like, if you have that mindset going into this marriage, it’s destined to fail, you’re destined to be unhappy.
KAYLA: First of all, I’m going to nag you from the first date.
SARAH and DAKOTA: (laugh)
KAYLA: You don’t have to marry me to get me to nag you.
DAKOTA: Bitch I nag people I’m not dating. Have you met Jeremy?
KAYLA: I nag everyone, first of all.
SARAH: But that’s just such a horrible mindset to go in with, oh your life’s over now that you’re married. What the fuck? You should be marrying this person because you love them, and you want to spend your life with them.
DAKOTA: And I promise you I could do an entire episode with you on why straight people have such weird ideas about relationships.
SARAH: It’s fucked.
KAYLA: Because they’re straight, I don’t know. I say as a straight person, I don’t know.
SARAH: To that end though, I guess I have the question of – I mean, not everyone wants to get married, or not everyone’s going to get married, but with polyamorous relationships: marriage, question mark?
DAKOTA: Okay, so –
KAYLA: Jealousy, question mark? Marriage, question mark?
DAKOTA: So people in polyamorous relationships can marry one of the people who they’re in a relationship with. It gets more complicated if you are in a committed relationship with more than one person that’s not an open relationship, that is otherwise monogamous. It gets very complicated if you are in one of the many states in the US, and I don’t know about other countries, my apologies, but if you are in one of the many states in the US where – What’s the word where you cheat, but in a marriage?
KAYLA: Adultery.
DAKOTA: Adultery. If you are in one of the many states in the US in which adultery is a crime, especially if you are in one of the states which, I don’t know the list of them off the top of my head but I used to live in Pennsylvania so I know that in Pennsylvania, this is a crime. Adultery is a crime, and also the person you are cheating on does not have to be the one who reports it.
SARAH: I didn’t even think about that.
DAKOTA: Which is not a thing that will probably happen to anyone, but is just, that’s a thing.
KAYLA: It’s something to think about.
DAKOTA: Yeah. So to answer your beautifully worded question of marriage, question mark? It’s real complicated, and is so incredibly case-by-case because for the same reason that we wanted gay marriage to be a thing so bad – I shouldn’t say gay marriage, I’m gay, it’s fine. Same-sex marriage, the reason we wanted same-sex marriage to be a thing so badly is because being married to a person affords that person many rights, like being your next of kin if you are in the hospital, and in your will if something awful happens. So basically, the institution of marriage is not set up to accommodate people in relationships with more than one person, which is a reason that a lot of polyamorous people choose not to get traditionally married, but that doesn’t help the legal thing.
I’m not really thinking about marriage at all –
KAYLA: I mean, you’re 19, so –
DAKOTA: I’m 19, and very single. I don’t know if very single is what I want to say, anyway. I’m 19 and don’t have plans to – I haven’t looked into it a lot.
KAYLA: Fair.
SARAH: Ain’t nobody here is an expert. None of us know what we’re doing, we’re just doing our best.
DAKOTA: I used to know a lot more about this stuff when I was first learning about it. The way that my GSA worked, our Gender and Sexuality Alliance worked, was that every week when I was running it, we would have a different person lead the meeting, or group of people, and basically that person or group of people would do a presentation of sorts, or a talk, or an activity about a thing.
SARAH: TED talks.
ALL: (laugh)
DAKOTA: Sort of, we did mini-TED talks and then we spent the last 20 minutes talking about our feelings.
KAYLA: Love that.
DAKOTA: But I did multiple presentations on various aspect of polyamory and that was two years ago, it’s been a while.
SARAH: I used to know about the ace umbrella than I do now and it’s ironic, because I have a podcast about it.
KAYLA: I have, to be fair, never known anything and am just –
SARAH: You’ve never known anything about anything in all your life?
KAYLA: Nope.
SARAH: How’d you end up in college? How’d you get in here?
KAYLA: You know. You know.
SARAH: This just in, Kayla knows nothing. Okay, is there anything else that anyone here wants to talk about/ask about in regards to polyamory and all that fun stuff?
KAYLA: Nothing that I can think of.
SARAH: (to Dakota) Do you have any words that you’d like to leave the audience with in terms of polyamory?
DAKOTA: I guess I first of all just want to reiterate that I don’t speak for anybody except for myself, right now, in this juncture of my life, and that this is very different for everybody and that you should always always always do your own research, and do it in many different places. Also that I am not of the opinion that polyamory is the right way to be in relationships, I do not think that it works for everybody, but I do think that definitely monogamy does not work for everybody. People are different people, and we need to start acknowledging that there are so many fewer right ways to do things than we think there are.
SARAH: I think I would say it’s important, especially if the idea of polyamory is new to you, it’s important to recognize that even if it’s not something that you would take part in, or that you necessarily fully understand right now, it’s important to recognize that the most important thing about any relationship is that the people involved are all cool with it. And as long as that’s the case, then what’s wrong with it? Nothing.
KAYLA: First of all, none of your business. But as long as everyone is happy and healthy, no matter how they’re doing it, why? Why is that wrong?
SARAH: Why the fuck do you care?
KAYLA: Why do you care, first of all. And second of all, how could that possibly be wrong?
SARAH: And I think that mindset can be applied to literally anything on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.
KAYLA: Or just like, in life.
SARAH: In life.
KAYLA: Leave people alone if they’re fine.
SARAH: In life, it’s none of your goddamn business, just leave people alone, that’s number one.
KAYLA: Unless they want your help.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But don’t, you know –
SARAH: Number two –
DAKOTA: Do pay attention to your friends and if they are in a polyamorous relationship or an open relationship that they seem to be uncomfortable with the concept of, talk to them about it. I don’t want to leave here with people thinking that I don’t think that you should pay attention to your friends, and notice things.
KAYLA: No, if things seem, as with anything with your friends, if things seem wrong, bring it up.
DAKOTA: Because this is not for everybody.
KAYLA: Right. But if they tell you that they’re fine and they’re happy, even if you don’t agree with it, leave it. Not for you.
SARAH: Yeah, I think that’s thing number one. Thing number two is communication, thing number three is hydration. (laughs)
DAKOTA: Consent is key, communication is key, hydration is key –
ALL: Guac is extra (laugh)
SARAH: What a great place to leave it. Alright, what’s our poll for this week?
KAYLA: What is key?
SARAH: What is key? That’s it, that’s our poll.
KAYLA: Consent, communication, hydration, guac. Guac that is extra.
SARAH: Alright, great. Perfect. You can find that poll on our Twitter @soundsfakepod, you can also find us on Tumblr, soundsfakepod.tumblr.com or you can email us, soundsfakepod@gmail.com. Kayla, where can they listen?
KAYLA: Anywhere you find your podcasts that you love except for Spotify, they still hate us. So iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio, anywhere on the interwebs.
(40:00)
SARAH: You can also find us on Patreon where you can give all of your money dollars.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: You can find us by going to patreon.com/soundsfakepod.
(interlude) Hi, it’s Sarah from the future, sorry about that. This episode was recorded months ago, so we’ve got new patrons.
Our $2 patrons are Sara Jones and Keith McBlaine, our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney and Perry Fiero. And our $10 patrons are Emma Fink, you can find her on YouTube by looking up Emma T Fink who again, is the person who requested this lovely, lovely episode, sorry it took so long Emma. And Tristan Call who’d like to promote the DeviantArt and Tumblr page @rationallyparanoid. (end interlude)
If you would like to request an episode, within reason, that we are not allowed to not do, unless it’s you know –
KAYLA: Without reason.
SARAH: (interlude) Become a $15 patron, we changed that, sorry.
Or more, give us more. (whispers) Give us all your money. (end interlude)
KAYLA: Sarah is making no money this summer –
SARAH: I’m making jackshit this summer.
KAYLA: So support our son.
SARAH: Working 40-plus hours a week and making nothing. But also, even if you’re not a patron, we welcome your suggestions. We may or may not do them.
KAYLA: If you want us to learn about other sexualities more, tell us them. We’ll find some people that will help educate us.
SARAH: We will.
KAYLA: And talk to us.
SARAH: Yeah, hit us up with questions or things or whatever.
KAYLA: Is there anything you want to promote, Kody, since you’re on?
DAKOTA: Fuck, I wish I’d released my goddamn album.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Kody doesn’t have anything they want to promote.
KAYLA: Except for –
SARAH: But they’re still single.
KAYLA: Self-love and hydration.
SARAH: Yep, hydration, consent, communication.
ALL: (yell) Guac is extra.
SARAH: Perfect. Alright, thank you for listening, tune in next Sunday. Also, thank you for being here, I always forget to say that. Thank you for coming, Kody –
KAYLA: We appreciate it.
SARAH: We talked to you first about this months ago and it kept not happening and Kayla’s literally leaving tomorrow, so we were like we’ve got to do it.
KAYLA: Thank you for educating us, we know we do not know anything.
SARAH: Ooh, words.
DAKOTA: Bitch, me too.
SARAH: Again, thank you for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.