Hey what's up hello! We're back once again to definitively decide if the people of Reddit are in fact assholes.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/am-i-the-asshole-pt-3
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! We're back once again to definitively decide if the people of Reddit are in fact assholes.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/am-i-the-asshole-pt-3
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey, what’s up, hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake but Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl, I’m Sarah, that’s me.
KAYLA: and a bi demisexual girl, that’s me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Am I the asshole?
SARAH AND KAYLA: Sounds fake but okay.
(Intro music plays)
KAYLA: Have you ever looked at the graphic on top of the “Am I the asshole”? Like the header on the “Am I the Asshole?”
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: (laughing) It’s just a little guy on an asshole.
SARAH: I don’t know why you would bring that to my attention.
KAYLA: (laughing) The O’s an asshole.
SARAH: Anyway, welcome back to the pod!
(laughter)
KAYLA: Hi!
SARAH: Kayla has already previewed it, but what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: I don’t remember which installment this is but we are–
SARAH: 500
KAYLA: at least the fifth hundredth – installment of Reddit’s “Am I the Asshole”. We’re back again.
SARAH: We were thinking…
KAYLA: We’re back once again to give our judgments.
SARAH: Right. We were thinking: what’s a good episode to come back with, and we said “what else, other than the fan favorite and minimal effort icon: Am I the Asshole?”
KAYLA: We thought it would be a good reminder that…
SARAH: This is what you get.
KAYLA: This is what you get. We are not mature, despite what many people would like us to be, and this is the content you get on this program.
SARAH: This is the content you get.
KAYLA: And if you don’t like it, you can leave (laughing).
SARAH: Bye! Before we start, do we have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: A reminder to, if you’re not a patron –
SARAH: Do your taxes.
KAYLA: It’s a little late for that.
SARAH: Yeah, it is a little late.
KAYLA: Pretty late for doing taxes. I added a couple new things to the merch store.
SARAH: Like, more than last week?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Goodness!
KAYLA: A lovely listener requested that we have some more discreet merch that was still aspec colors, but not the flags.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: For if you’re not out.
SARAH: Mhm.
KAYLA: So there’s now some hats with our purple and green cows on them.
SARAH: Oh. Nice!
KAYLA: So you can still have our colors and our things without having to be outed.
SARAH: That’s nice.
KAYLA: That is the hat that your roommate purchased.
SARAH: Is that the one that she purchased? My roommate texted me like “Those bucket hats though, they’re cute” and I was like “that’s true”. Then Kayla texted me like the next day like “you know who just bought merch? Your roommate”
(laughter)
KAYLA: My sister also asked for the cow bucket hat for her birthday, so
SARAH: Oh, what a delight.
KAYLA: Which is really just me spending money on her that goes back to myself, so not sure about the ethics of that, but –
SARAH: Everything’s fine.
KAYLA: seems to be a crowd favorite, so if you’d like to match my sister and Sarah’s roommate, you know what to do.
SARAH: Yep. Sounds good. I’ve never owned a bucket hat.
KAYLA: I have one with strawberries on it.
SARAH: You also have one with cow print on it that I gave you.
KAYLA: That’s true. Sarah bought me a furry, cow bucket hat.
SARAH: That’s true. Also just a reminder, we have had at least one person email us, but if you are a black aspec person who would be interested in participating in lending your voice to us for our episode about black aspecs, go ahead and shoot us an email. If you don’t want to, then don’t. No obligation, just want to remind people in case they forgot or they weren’t here last week.
KAYLA: True. Also, this one might be a long shot, but if you answered our survey long ago, that was providing quotes for our upcoming book,
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: check your email because we’ve been sending our emails asking certain people for permission to use their quotes, and some people haven’t responded. So check your spam, check your email.
SARAH: If you’re the person whose email bounced…
KAYLA: Please.
SARAH: …maybe you’ve changed your email address,
KAYLA: Please.
SARAH: or maybe you gave us a fake one.
KAYLA: If you’re looking back and you’re like “Damn, I think I typed the wrong email address”
SARAH: Let us know.
KAYLA; Please, because we do not legally know what to do with the fact that your email bounced. We really like your quote.
SARAH: And your quote is good.
KAYLA: The name you gave us starts with a C. So this is us trying to find a secret admirer.
SARAH: “C”-cret admirer.
KAYLA: Anyway, now we can continue.
(05:00)
SARAH: All right.
KAYLA: Can I go first?
SARAH: Yeah, sure!
KAYLA: I found a good one, and I’m afraid you also have it. And I want to do it.
SARAH: (laughing) So you want to get it out of the way.
KAYLA: Yeah. Are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: This one is called “Am I the asshole for not telling my friend’s wife that he is my sperm donor?”
SARAH: (laughing) I did not see this one.
KAYLA: Okay, it took me a couple of reads of the title to understand, so do you understand the title? It took me – I didn’t quite understand what it meant at first.
SARAH: Can you just say it one more time?
KAYLA: Am I the asshole for not telling my friend’s wife that he, my friend, is my sperm donor
SARAH: Yep, got it.
KAYLA: Okay, here we go. “I am a 30-year old asexual woman”
SARAH: So true, bestie.
KAYLA: “who is currently 33 weeks pregnant with twin girls that I conceived through IVF. I have always wanted children but never really considered them on the cards for me due to my sexuality, but now I am in a position where I felt stable enough to bring a child into the world on my own, so I decided to go through IVF”
SARAH: Or two! You’re having two!
KAYLA: Huh?
SARAH: This person is having twins. Is that not what they said?
KAYLA: How do you know that?
SARAH: They said that!
KAYLA: Yes, they did already.
(laughter)
KAYLA: I was like “How did you know that I didn’t get to that part yet!”
SARAH: (laughing) For a second I was wondering if I was gaslighting you.
KAYLA: It gets brought up later. The twins get brought up later, and I was like “did you look this up just to read ahead of me? What the fuck” We should also preface that –
(laughter)
SARAH: Just proves that I’m active listening.
KAYLA: Well, it also proves that for me it’s almost 11 PM. We’re back to nighttime recording because we have a 3-hour separation, and Sarah no longer works from home.
SARAH: I got home early today. I told Kayla 7:30 my time, 10:30 her time, and I texted her at 7:22, and guess what! She did not come. She was watching TV.
KAYLA: I had an episode of Bridgerton to finish, okay? Someone was shooting a gun!
SARAH: Oh no, not in Bridgerton. Anyway.
KAYLA: Anyway. “My best friend since high school, 31 male, found out about my plan and how I was looking into finding a donor, so it wouldn’t be anonymous and I could vet medical history etc. He offered to be the sperm donor since at least I knew his medical history and any risks that were attached. I agreed but made it clear he would not play a parental role in our child’s life, and at most would be an honorary uncle due to our friendship. He agreed to this and it never once occurred to me he would offer without running it by his wife, 31 female, first. As some of you will likely be worried, I used an HFEA clinic, which is a legally licensed clinic that due to the paperwork I signed when I underwent IVF, he has no legal right or obligation to the babies, which is what both of us wanted going into this.” I was worried, because I didn’t know that’s how it worked, so thank you. “The IVF was successful, as my pregnancy proves. A little too successful, perhaps, as it’s twins.” See that’s where I thought– I forgot the twins came before that so I was like “how did she know”. Anyway. “I recently took my friend and his wife out to dinner to thank them for doing this for me and celebrate being in the third trimester, but his wife was confused when she found out the reason for the dinner and was angry, demanding to know why we kept this from her. I was shocked and asked my friend if he hadn’t told her..”
SARAH: Hold on, I stopped paying attention.
KAYLA: They went to dinner.
SARAH: And the wife found out?
KAYLA: She took the donor and his wife to dinner.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: To thank them, assuming that the wife knew, and then found out that the wife did not know.
SARAH: Got it.
KAYLA: “He tried to explain to both of us that he thought it didn’t matter, since he has no rights to the children. His wife got even angrier at that part, saying that she wasn’t comfortable with her son, 6 male, having siblings that aren’t really his siblings, and she wants that part changed so her husband has legal say over the girls. I was in shock over this, but I said I wouldn’t be doing that because I wanted to raise them alone. The three of us got into a huge argument, and his wife wanted to know why I wouldn’t tell her that her husband had offered this in the first place. I feel very guilty for not checking with his wife first, but it honestly never occurred to me that he wouldn’t have done that first, so I thought if he was offering she would have already given the okay. Am I the asshole in this? I don’t know what to do.“
SARAH: No, you’re not the asshole. What does your friend think he’s doing, agreeing to something like that –
KAYLA: It is wild.
SARAH: Following through with it, and not mentioning it to his (overemphasizing “w”) wife with whom he has a child?
KAYLA: Also, so this is a friend she’s had since high school. So I’m assuming that she knows his wife in some way.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I’m shocked that it had never come up before this. She’s in the third trimester.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I’m shocked that nothing could ever have been mentioned to make the wife suspicious.
SARAH: Yeah.
(10:00)
KAYLA: Not that it’s the wife’s fault. Because who in their right mind be like “I wonder if my husband gave sperm to our friend without me knowing”
SARAH: Right, right.
KAYLA: That’s not something I would often suspect.
(laughter)
SARAH: No, not at all.
KAYLA: Yeah, that’s bananas. I also didn’t read this full thing, so I didn’t realize he also already had a child. Which makes it, it just adds another layer.
SARAH: Yeah. I hate to stereotype a gender, because gender isn’t real and stereotypes are bad. That said, this is such a straight man thing to do.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Maybe this guy’s not straight, I don’t know, but to not even think about the repercussions, just being like “oh I won’t be legally bound to this kid. I’m just doing my friend a favor. Cool. That’s it.” and to not even think that you have a (overemphasizing “w”) wife and a child who may have opinions on the matter. It is your choice, but also you’re creating another body with your choice on purpose.
KAYLA: There’s someone in the comments saying that this happened to them, that their dad donated sperm without telling their mom, and then when she, this commenter was 50, they got an email from a donor agency that was like “You have 3 half siblings, haha”
SARAH: (whispering) Oh my god.
KAYLA: I don’t quite understand the wife’s reaction
SARAH: It’s a very strong reaction.
KAYLA: Being that she wants him to have legal custody of them because she doesn’t want her child to have siblings that aren’t their real siblings.
SARAH: But they are still their real siblings regardless of whether or not he had custody.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: That’s not how any of that works.
KAYLA: Like, by blood they are siblings.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And if she didn’t want those kids in her life, she could also just not see these twins, but I mean, I understand she’s probably insanely angry because that’s warranted.
SARAH: Yeah, I get that.
KAYLA: And maybe this was just a knee-jerk reaction because she was just finding out and they were in public at dinner, that’s wild.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That’s an odd reaction, like an odd thing to think that will fix it. But also, she probably isn’t thinking it through.
SARAH: Also, does this husband not think, “Oh, how nice. My friend who I donated sperm to, who is pregnant with my child is taking my wife to dinner. She couldn’t possibly bring this up”
(laughter)
KAYLA: Well that’s the thing. It’s not like he told his friend that he donated to that it was a secret.
SARAH: To keep it quiet, yeah.
KAYLA: He just assumed that it wouldn’t be a big deal to say it.
SARAH: Bestie, bestie, bestie.
KAYLA: (laughing) This poor pregnant person. Jesus Christ.
SARAH: Oh man. Not the asshole. All right. What should I do next? I don’t know
KAYLA: Do you have any where the person is the asshole?
SARAH: I don’t know, I haven’t read any of them, I just kind of looked at the beginning.
KAYLA: Okay. I asked because some people were saying for past episodes they really wanted us to do some where the person was the asshole, because I don’t think many of ours have been. So I tried to find –
SARAH: Oh, actually, no. I do have one where I looked at the title. “Am I the asshole for calling the police on my brother for taking my car?” Yes.
(laughing)
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I don’t even need to read the rest of it.
KAYLA: Okay, done.
SARAH: Don’t call the police.
KAYLA: We’ve done it. That one is solved.
SARAH: Let me read what it says though. “I, male 16, have a brother, male 28,” – (laughing) the attitude he says this with– “who still doesn’t have a car or a job. “
KAYLA: (laughing) Okay.
SARAH: “He lives with me, my mom, and dad. I got my permit, took my driving test, and got my license this year. My brother knows how to drive and used to take my mom’s car but after getting into an accident with it, she took his privileges away. Ever since I got my license, he’s been begging me to use my car, and I always say no. The reason that I don’t want him to use it is because I don’t want him to crash it; also it belongs to me and I don’t want anyone else to use it. Two weeks ago, he asked me if he could take my car to go pick his friend up, I told him no. My brother has anger issues and can sometimes be scary. He started yelling and swearing at me, but I still said no. The next morning, my keys were missing, so I immediately called my brother and he said yes he took it, and he promises he’ll bring it back in mint condition. I told him I don’t care, I just don’t want anyone else using it in general. After I hung up with him, I thought about calling my mom and dad, but I was furious. I let my anger and frustration get the best of me and called the cops. I told the cops what happened and gave them my license plate, and where my brother was at” – because this person knows the brother’s friend’s address – “they arrested him and brought him to the local police station, and my mom had to pick him up. My mom was pissed and yelled at me, and took my car keys away for the time being. My dad was upset too when he got home. They said I was crazy for calling the cops on my own brother, and I could’ve sent him to jail. I don’t feel bad, and I hope he learned the lesson. Am I the asshole?” Yes.
(15:00)
KAYLA: (laughing) Yeah, that’s some 16-year old behavior right there. Jesus Christ.
SARAH: You’re a 16 year old with your own car, and you’re acting like this?
KAYLA: That is my question, is I hope to god this kid used his own money to buy this car.
SARAH: I doubt it.
KAYLA: Because if that’s a car that his parents gave him, you have even less right to do this.
SARAH: Do you know a single 16-year old who has the money that they got themselves to buy a car?
KAYLA: I know a couple. Yes.
SARAH: I guess if they get a –
KAYLA: They worked
SARAH: a lemon, a used car and they work a lot, but like
KAYLA: Yes, I knew one or two people that did that, but yeah, very uncommon.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah, asshole.
SARAH: We found an asshole!
KAYLA: You can’t do that. Call your parents, you’re literally a minor.
SARAH: Oh my god. Just don’t call the police in general is kind of my current stance in life.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Unless like, I don’t know, if someone is dying then call 911.
KAYLA: you’re actively being murdered?
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, like calling an ambulance or the fire department is different than calling the police. Anyway, do you have another one, or should I do another one?
KAYLA: I have another one.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Am I the asshole for kicking my girlfriend out after an argument?
SARAH: Ah, I saw this one. Let me pull it up so I can read as we go.
KAYLA: (laughing) Okay. Don’t spoil it for yourself.
SARAH: I’m ready.
KAYLA: Okay. “So adoption is pretty common in my family. I probably have more adopted cousins than biological ones, but I can’t say for sure since it doesn’t really matter in my family. My (22 male younger) brother “-- okay so the person writing is 22 male, and has a younger brother, 15 male “who was adopted by my parents when he was 7. Our dads were close and he used to come around a lot. His parents split when he was about 5 due to his mom’s drug problem, and she later went to jail a few months later because of it. His dad died a few months later due to medical issues when he was 7, and my parents took him in because he would’ve gone into the system. He’s lived with us since I was 14, and I do see him as my little brother, and we are family. His bio mom is still around, but is not allowed to see him. The problem comes in with my girlfriend. We’ve been together 2 years, and we’ve met each other’s families, and we’ve gotten in great with them. About a month ago, she complained to me that her sister was adopting. She said it was cheating, especially since she doesn’t have any fertility issues. I told her that it doesn’t matter if a kid is adopted or not, and that my brother was adopted. She didn’t say anything else to me about it after that. However, she has stopped calling my brother my brother. She just calls him by his name. Yesterday she was talking to her friend, who is also my friend who introduced us, about how she is so happy my parents will be her inlaws. She agreed that my parents and my brother would make great inlaws. She corrected him and said that my brother wouldn’t be her in-law since he was adopted. He had no idea how to respond, and ended up telling me about it. This caused an argument between us where I insisted my brother is my brother, and her insisting that he isn’t and there is a difference. She told me to sleep somewhere else that night. I told her no, and that this is my home too and if she has an issue she should be sleeping somewhere else. This caused her to scream at me, calling me manipulative and abusive before leaving to sleep at her parents’. Her dad, who I really get along with, asked to speak to me and I’ve gotten some aggressive messages from some other members of her family. I didn’t think I was in the wrong, but with so many people upset with me I think I might be. I brought it up, so maybe I should’ve left. Am I the asshole?”
SARAH: I don’t think they’re the asshole. The fact that it seems that this person lives with the girlfriend does complicate things.
KAYLA: It does, especially if they’re in a lease. (laughing) Because I do think you’re going to have to break your lease.
SARAH: Yeah.
SARAH: Because when I first saw this, I kind of assumed that they were staying at your house, and you kicked them out, and I was like “there’s no way that you’re the asshole at all”
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But if you share somewhere. First of all, hold on. I want to back up. You’ve been together for 2 years and she didn’t know that your brother is adopted?
KAYLA: She did know, I think.
SARAH: No, because she didn’t stop referring to the brother as the brother until after he said –
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: You know.
KAYLA: I didn’t read it that way.
SARAH: If she knew, it would be such a shitty thing to say to him, so I took it as she told him because she didn’t know.
KAYLA: Yeah, I guess, I assumed that she knew, but didn’t really care until she knew her sister was adopting, and she like decided to have this wild view of adoption because it was more relevant to her. No, I think you’re right.
SARAH: But if she was already talking about how this guy’s parents were going to be great in-laws. I think she’s already thought about that, you know.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: I think she just didn’t know, which is weird to me. It’s one thing if they were adopted as a baby, because this kid was adopted when he was 7. There was definitely an adjustment period.
KAYLA: No, but he said they grew up together anyway.
SARAH: Oh sure, but I’m just saying did this kid’s parents never come up? Did his mom who was still around never –
(20:00)
KAYLA: Well, but the mom’s not allowed to see him.
SARAH: Oh I know, but it’s weird to me that in 2 years of dating that would never come up.
KAYLA: I guess, but he says that adopted cousins are more common than bio ones, so it seems like he probably forgets that his brother is adopted.
SARAH: That’s fair. That’s super fair. Yeah. So I think she told him to sleep somewhere else that night.
KAYLA: And he said, no you sleep somewhere else.
SARAH: No you.
KAYLA: He said Uno Reverse.
SARAH: Well, he says if she has the issue, she should sleep somewhere else. He didn’t –
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: He didn’t tell her that she had to leave.
KAYLA: Obviously we weren’t there so we don’t know what he actually said, but the way he is painting it is that he said “no you”. It’s not like he picked her up and threw her out the window.
SARAH: Also, I think relevant, is that she left and went to sleep at her parents’. I think it would have been a different situation if she had nowhere to go.
KAYLA: Yeah, she clearly had somewhere to go. It also seems like she is telling her family a different story, if they are sending this kid aggressive messages. He would have had to do something really, really bad to warrant aggressive messages. I don’t know what she must have told her family that he did.
SARAH: Also, this girl’s opinion on adoption is just so fucked up.
KAYLA: It’s just wack.
SARAH: Like just objectively, on its face, what the fuck? No. Hate that.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: She’s the asshole.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: All right. Nailed it. Okay, what should I do next. Okay. “Am I the asshole for overstepping into my wife’s role as a mother?”
KAYLA: What the –
SARAH: “Saturday my daughter, 12 female, and I, 32 male”. So you were 20 when she was born. (laughing) Anyway, just doing some rapid mental math here. “Had an early lunch on the pier with the intentions of going out in the water after. We were walking down the pier. My daughter was a few feet ahead of me wanting to stop in this particular shop. I was texting my friend, letting him know storms were rolling in, no water outing. I looked up from my phone. I noticed a red spot on the back of my daughter’s shorts. I took off my jacket and tied it around her waist so she wouldn’t feel any embarrassment later since it was now hidden. When we got to our vehicle, I told her about her shorts and stuff. She started crying. I hugged her and told her everything was going to be okay. It’s completely normal. She asked if this meant she’s not a kid anymore.”
KAYLA: Aw.
SARAH: “I assured her she’s still a kid. She will always be my baby girl. This doesn’t change anything. I drove her to WalMart and had her pick out a change of clothing. I took down the aisle and showed her what she would need. I purchased the items. I had already explained to her how to use sanitary napkins before entering the store, not to cause any embarrassment. I waited right outside the restroom and told her if she needed anything, just to let me know. That’s pretty much it. Since it was storming, we ran in a few fun stores. I bought her a few bracelets, t-shirts, and stuffed animal kittens because she loves cats. We headed home before the worst of the storm was heading our way. I texted my wife and told her it was a big day for our daughter. When she left her meeting, I called and told her what had happened. She completely came unglued at me and said ‘thanks for taking my place as a mother. I guess I’m not really needed’
KAYLA: (laughing, disbelieving) Oh my god.
SARAH: “She soon walks in the door and says to our daughter ‘So I guess I don’t have to explain anything because your father took it upon himself to play mommy today’. I pulled my wife aside and stated my dismay over her behavior. She told me it wasn’t my place to do that, and I likely made her feel extremely uncomfortable. I asked my wife what was the better alternative, just letting her walk around like that and freak out alone when she eventually had to use the restroom? My wife said “Oh, so you were just embarrassed of the red spot?”.
KAYLA: (laughing, disbelieving) Oh my god.
SARAH: “No, I didn’t want her to feel embarrassed. Now I’m an idiot that overstepped a boundary? I honestly don’t know it wasn’t my place as a father. Am I the asshole for this? Should I have just let my wife handle it when she was available?” Absolutely fucking not. What is your wife’s problem?
KAYLA: Okay first of all, the wife is insane. Second of all, this is like the husband of the year.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I feel like it’s so rare for men to have.
SARAH: He dealt with it really well.
KAYLA: He seems to have a very good understanding. He knows how a pad works.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Very few straight men, in my experience, know how – (to Dean) Hey do you know how a pad works? Like, if I were to put on a pad for my period on, do you know how it works? Do you even know? How?
(25:00)
Like, could you explain to a child how to put a pad in their underwear?
(inaudible response)
Exactly. He said no.
(laughter)
KAYLA: This has been special guest Dean. We still live in a one room hotel, and I thought I would consult him.
SARAH: Yeah. I think the dad did everything right and the mom…
KAYLA: Exactly. This is the ideal thing to do.
SARAH: I have so many questions about the mom’s idea of gender roles. Like she is disappointed that she didn’t have to deal with her child being upset about a period?
KAYLA: This, to me, reeks of toxic motherhood. Like, when she had her baby girl she dreamed of the day her daughter became a woman and her “flower bloomed” or whatever
SARAH: Yeah. I’m going to puke.
KAYLA: But like, is it not giving –
SARAH: Yeah, no. Also, what really stopped me is “She told me it wasn’t my place to do that, and I likely made her feel extremely uncomfortable.” Oh, I get it. I read that as husband likely made wife extremely uncomfortable and I was like “what do you mean likely?”. She’s the one talking to you. She’s the one telling you. Why is she saying to you “you likely made me uncomfortable.” I just read that wrong.
KAYLA: To me, that is everything you should want the father of your children to do.
SARAH: Yeah.
(laughter)
KAYLA: Jesus Christ.
SARAH: Absolute buffoonery. All right, do you have another, or should I do another?
KAYLA: I think I have another. Okay, are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: “Am I the asshole for not being happy that my sister is pregnant AGAIN?” The again is all caps.
SARAH: I also saw this one. Let me pull it up.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Go.
KAYLA: Okay so the beginning says “throwaway because I don’t want my family tracking this back to my mains” This person made a separate account for this.
(laughter)
“My sister got knocked up by her boyfriend right out of high school, got married the next year, then proceeded to pop out another baby every year or two. She now has four at 24.” Okay, right off the bat, you can really tell the opinion this person has of their sister.
SARAH: I’m 24. Kayla, imagine –
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Imagine if you had four children.
KAYLA: (laughing) I would rather die.
SARAH: Imagine if I had four children.
KAYLA: I met someone my age the other day who has one child, and even that really baffled me. Anyway. “She’s a stay-at-home mom even though she was brilliant and could’ve gotten a full ride to a great university” Okay, not everyone needs to go to college. “Since hers are the only grandchildren, our parents fawn over her like she’s the next coming of Christ. They gush over every new tooth or haircut like it’s some big achievement.” Oh my god this dude needs to chillax.
SARAH: This person’s really bitter. And I kind of love it for them.
(laughter)
KAYLA: It’s a lot. “Problem is her husband’s business wasn’t great even before Covid and is barely limping along now. My sister doesn’t work, and my parents don’t have much extra income, so guess who’s always being told to lend them money for shit like school fees, carseat, car payment, new stroller, etc. They don’t even ask. My mom just texts me ‘Your sister needs $x for the kids’, and I’m supposed to cough it up. If I complain, they accuse me of being jealous because I don’t have a husband or family even though I’m older. I’m only 26. So over Easter, I noticed my sister isn’t drinking and I thought ‘Oh God, here we go again.’ (laughing) Sure enough, she stands up and announces that she’s been inseminated again with yet another precious miracle. (laughter)
SARAH: Say that again I’m not sure the people heard.
KAYLA: she stands up and announces that she’s been inseminated again with yet another precious miracle
SARAH: Another precious miracle.
KAYLA: “Everyone was gushing, and I just tried to stay quiet and out of the way. Later, she asked me if everything was all right, and I tried to play it off, but she pushes, so I ask if she and her husband can afford another baby. She snippily replies ‘God will provide. He has so far,’ which really pisses me off. I told her ‘No, God didn’t provide for her babies, I did’, and I wasn’t going to give them any more handouts. This devolved into a big argument with everyone shouting at me, and basically I’ve been banned from my family unless I apologize, and I haven’t apologized. It’s been radio silence except for one text from my mom saying that if my sister miscarries (laughing) it’s my fault for stressing her out. “
SARAH: That is– oh my god.
KAYLA: Jesus Christ. I asked if my sister was showing any symptoms but no one will answer me or tell me. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m the asshole, but I don’t want to be the reason she miscarries. Also I think I might be the asshole because secretly I think it would have been better if she did, even though I wouldn’t say that to her.”
(30:00)
Oh my god.
SARAH: Here’s the thing. This person is incredibly bitter in a way that’s not healthy for them.
KAYLA: In a major way.
SARAH: However, I don’t agree, necessarily, with the level of bitterness. I think they’re one or two steps more bitter than I would – I mean I’m not in the situation I can’t fucking say – but I think that bitterness is warranted.
KAYLA: I completely understand why this person is so upset, but the way they handled it was in an asshole-ish manner.
SARAH: By saying “no God didn’t provide for their babies, I did”?
KAYLA: Well by saying that so publicly and yelling it at a family event. I think this definitely should’ve been a conversation they had, like “hey. I notice you’re having another baby. I also notice I’m giving you a lot of money, and I have my own stuff to pay for. I can’t do that anymore.” Or at least it shouldn’t be expected, it should be asked. That’s definitely a conversation that needed to happen
SARAH: That’s fair. I didn’t have an issue with it though. I would’ve fucking been mad. I think that would’ve been the mature way of dealing with it, but it doesn’t seem to me –.
KAYLA: Also, I do – No, you would not have done that.
SARAH: Are you talking to me?
KAYLA: I thought you were about to say you would’ve handled it the same way.
SARAH: No, because I’m too non-confrontational.
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: But I would’ve wanted to say that.
KAYLA: That’s why I was shocked. I see, okay.
SARAH: No, what I was going to say is that I know 24 and 26 people are like “oh that’s not young, you’re in your mid-20s,” but as a 24-year old I still feel like a baby.
KAYLA: No, that is very young.
SARAH: I don’t know, when you’re 24, your brain’s still not all the way developed. We haven’t finished developing our brains, Kayla.
KAYLA: That’s true.
SARAH: Maybe that’s another reason they shouldn’t have a fifth fucking kid right now. I wouldn’t necessarily expect everyone to be super mature in this situation just because it’s clear no one in this family seems to have the maturity to deal with it.
KAYLA: That’s fair, seems like a lot is going on over there.
SARAH: Yeah. Also, I’m not an expert on miscarriages. I guess extreme stress, like hypertension, could cause a miscarriage, but I don’t –
KAYLA: Yeah, there is a comment about this. It says “Stress doesn’t cause miscarriages. The Mayo clinic, Cleveland Clinic, and NHS all disagree with stress causing miscarriages except for extreme and complicated circumstances.“ It’s just a factor.
SARAH: You can’t blame it on one specific thing.
KAYLA: Yeah, no. It would have to be intense, intense stress. Not this.
SARAH: Yeah. The mom is a huge asshole for saying that to the poster, and I think the sister needs to learn how to use contraception.
KAYLA: Yeah, but if they’re – they seem like they might not be the type to agree with contraception.
SARAH: They do.
KAYLA: They give those vibes.
SARAH: But are they just going to keep having kids until she has menopause?
KAYLA: That’s so many kids.
SARAH: She’s clearly a very fertile person.
KAYLA: That’s so many kids.
SARAH: I just – That’s rough. I feel really bad for this person.
KAYLA: I agree.
SARAH: They might be a little too aggressive in their bitterness, but I definitely do understand why.
KAYLA: Yeah I get why they’re so pissed. Jesus Christ.
SARAH: Yeah. All right. Do you want to do one more? Two more?
KAYLA: Do you want to do one more?
SARAH: Do I want to do one more?
KAYLA: I don’t know, do you have another?
SARAH: I have a couple. I’m trying to see. Okay, this one is just interesting. Oh. I thought it was interesting because I thought they were calling their wife a sham, but I was just reading an acronym wrong, so we’re not going to do that one. I thought they had called their wife, in all caps, “SHAM”
KAYLA: Man, that would be good.
SARAH: All right, let’s do this one next. “Am I the asshole for arguing with my husband over the picture he had for my contact photo on his phone?”
(35:00)
KAYLA: What the –
SARAH: Throwaway account. “My husband bought a new phone last week. Before that, he used to have one of those old phones that didn’t have any features. I was happy for him and helped him learn how to use some features he’s never seen before. Yesterday morning, I couldn’t find my phone before I went to work. I woke him up to ask him to call me so I could find it, but he handed me his phone so I could do it myself. I took his phone, opened the call log, and searched for my contact number. I saw that he had a picture of me, my face, for my contact photo. I was mad. I woke him up again to ask him why he did it. He said it was normal and he did it with his family and friends even. I told him I didn’t give him permission and he should’ve asked if I was comfortable with having my picture there. “
KAYLA: What the –
SARAH: “He said I have a ton of pictures of him in my phone, but I keep them in a hidden app so no one sees them, and this way I’m protecting his privacy.”
KAYLA: (quietly) What?
SARAH: Besides, I got his permission for every single picture before saving them. I told him to delete it but he fought back, and said that I’m being bossy and controlling. I told him my face was in there. He said again it wasn’t a huge deal and that I should chill. I snapped and told him I wasn’t going to be okay with my privacy being violated. He said “GTFO, it’s not like I put nudes in there”, but still.
(laughing)
We fought some more and he removed the picture, then kept pouting and venting that I keep trying to dictate how he lives and what he does and said it’s becoming too much. Info: I live in an area far from home, and I don’t know anyone here yet, and I was worried if he loses his phone, my info would be linked to my photo.”
(laughter)
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: I don’t know that this person is an asshole, but I have…
KAYLA: The only good reason for this is that they must be in the witness protection program.
SARAH: Literally.
KAYLA: That is the only (laughing)
SARAH: Here’s my thing.
KAYLA: (whispering) What the fuck
SARAH: It would be one thing if the husband took a candid picture of them without them knowing and made that the picture, but this picture, the husband clearly got it from somewhere, right?
KAYLA: Also, the fact that she keeps every picture of her husband in a locked app?
SARAH: And asks him every time before keeping it?
KAYLA: This person must not have a social presence, right?
SARAH: Oh, certainly not.
KAYLA: Are they just like one of those people who’s afraid of the government stealing their information? Then how are they on Reddit? Reddit’s going to get them.
SARAH: What? I am just so shocked by this mindset.
KAYLA: This person is the asshole. It’s wild.
SARAH: On one hand, I can understand if you want your privacy to be protected, but I think if you’re concerned about this –
KAYLA: Like it’s one thing to be mad about someone posting a picture of you online without permission,
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Especially if it’s a picture you don’t like.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But as the contact picture in their phone? Like, no one sees that.
SARAH: No one sees that.
KAYLA: And it’s also tiny.
SARAH: And also “my info will be linked to my photo” If you have a driver’s license, the government already has your info is linked to your photo.
KAYLA: They already know.
SARAH: If you have a passport
KAYLA: Also her saying “we’re new to this area and don’t know anyone”. What does that have to do with anything?
SARAH: Do you think that everyone is trying to kill you?
KAYLA: This person must be in the witness protection program. That is the only way this is okay.
SARAH: Like –
KAYLA: Oh my god, what are the comments on this?
SARAH: Personally, I don’t put contact photos for people, but I don’t give a fuck if you have my face.
KAYLA: My contact picture of you is a picture of a picture that says ugly on it.
SARAH: (laughing) I’m well aware.
KAYLA: I have contact pictures for people I’m close to. I’ve also seen some people that draw every one of their contact photos in shitty MS paint.
SARAH: One of my twitter mutuals one time, on army twitter, was offering to do one of those bad MS paint drawings of everyone’s icon.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: And I change my icon all the time, but I do have that one saved in case I ever want to return to it.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: The top one says “You’re the asshole. Unless you go through society with a veil on, people are going to see your face, so the privacy argument seems far-fetched.”
KAYLA: (laughing) with a veil on
SARAH: “What is the problem” and this person goes “You’re the asshole. I read that twice and I don’t understand what exactly you’re mad about.
KAYLA: (laughing) So bizarre. This poor husband is probably so confused.
SARAH: This person goes “Info: are you in witness protection “
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: “And/ or on the run from the feds?”
(40:00)
KAYLA: Thank you, this person must be in witness protection or on the run for a huge murder. Good god.
SARAH: He clearly got the picture from somewhere, so it’s a picture she consented to have. This person goes “You’re the asshole. He’s not allowed to have photos of you? He needs permission to have photos of his wife? To set your picture something only he or those he allows to have access to his phone will see? You only keep photos of him in a locked app? You’re definitely the asshole and a very paranoid one. Do you have some deeper issues going on? This isn’t normal behavior, and it might be beneficial to talk about this with a professional. This is controlling behavior, and if it stems from a place of paranoia, it’s best for you to do all you can to work on it” This person is correct.
KAYLA: Yeah. You are legally bound to this person, not that you owe them anything.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But like, you’re literally married.
SARAH: But also, you could’ve gone about it differently. You could’ve just been like “hey, you know, I’m not comfortable with this” rather than waking him up from sleep to yell at him?
KAYLA: Yeah it could’ve just been like “hey, I don’t like that picture”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Just don’t.
SARAH: Just please don’t. And then he might’ve been like “that’s a little bit weird, but okay, I respect you”
SARAH: She woke him up to yell at him. Actually, I would like to apologize, but I don’t know that this is a woman. They never specified.
KAYLA: Well whoever they are, they’re wild.
SARAH: Anyway, on that note, we had two assholes and we didn’t even have to specifically look for them.
KAYLA: Amazing.
SARAH: You’re welcome to our lovely, lovely listeners. Kayla – no. Kayla?
(laughing)
KAYLA: Yes?
SARAH: I already forgot. Is the poll before or after the beef and juice? It’s after. Kayla, what’s your –
KAYLA: No, it’s before.
SARAH: No, it’s after because the poll goes into our social media. You can find the poll on our social media. I’m the one who says this. Let me live.
KAYLA: I really don’t think that’s right.
SARAH: The people will tell us if we’re wrong. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: Mm. My beef is I don’t remember when that part happens. My beef is also that I’m living in this hotel. Every wall and every piece of furniture is grey. There is nothing to do around here, and it is depressing as fuck.
SARAH: I’m so sorry to hear that. I –
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: I was going to do my beef juice. Do you have anything to add?
KAYLA: Can I not do my juice?
SARAH: Yeah, that’s why I asked because I was like “wait” I couldn’t remember.
KAYLA: What the fuck is happening?
SARAH: Bestie, do your juice.
KAYLA: This is like I was telling you about my sick grandma and you interrupted me to tell me about the mail app that you got.
(laughter)
SARAH: It was a Christmas tree! And then I immediately said no, this is not the appropriate time. I was self-aware.
KAYLA: It was so funny. Anyway, my juice is I started Bridgerton today. Because in my deep pit of depression I decided that maybe I should find something to do with my time to occupy my brain. I’m like halfway through season 1 and it’s very good. There is sex stuff.
SARAH: It’s spicy.
KAYLA: Which I did scream about, because what a wild time to be on my television. But it’s very good. It’s based off trashy romance books that I’ve heard are written terribly. Season one is fake dating trope and I think season 2 is enemies to lovers.
SARAH: I love that.
KAYLA: It’s very good so far. I’m very sad that I should probably go to bed after this.
SARAH: Yes, you should, but don’t should, but you should. I have two beefs and juices that are related to each other. So the first, my juice, that the Los Angeles cherry coke shortage has ended.
KAYLA: Thank god.
SARAH: My beef is that the new packaging is ugly. My next beef is that I forgot to defrost meat tonight, and I need to eat protein, so my juice is that that just means I’m going to go get chipotle after this.
(laughing)
(45:00)
KAYLA: Hell yeah.
SARAH: That’s all. What is our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Um…
SARAH: Maybe the one about the sister being pregnant.
KAYLA: Oh, like, is this person the asshole?
SARAH: Yeah, I want to see if anyone thinks no.
KAYLA: I need to find –
SARAH: I feel like a lot of people will be like they’re not the asshole but with the caveat they’re being asshole-ish about not being an asshole, you know what I mean?
KAYLA: Well that’s what I basically said.
SARAH: Alright, we’ll do that.
KAYLA: I used to just make a draft tweet, but now that we’re doing them on Instagram. Also, than you everyone for answering our poll last week. It was very fun.
SARAH: I answered the poll. I said I’ve been writing a book.
KAYLA: It was very fun. And if you missed it, you can go see some of the highlights on our Instagram stories.
SARAH: All of our social media is @soundsfakepod. Hit us up on instagram. That’s where we’re partying at the present time. Okay. Anyway, we also have Patreon if you’d like to support us that way. We also have a new $2 patron, it’s Patrick, not Partrick as I originally wrote in the doc. Thank you Patrick.
KAYLA: Thank you Patrick and not Partrick.
SARAH: Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Alex Istar, AliceIsInSpace, Amanda Kyker, Ariel Laxo, and Ashley W.
KAYLA: Thank you
SARAH: Our $10 patrons who are promoting things this week are Arkness who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Ari K. who would like to promote Thought Slime, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote tabletop games, Changeling MX who would like to promote Starshipchangeling.net.
KAYLA: Oh wait, I think Changeling wants to be read out as “Changeling and Alex” now, Alex being their cat who is also ace.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: Let me check.
SARAH: Changeling has an ace cat?
KAYLA: Let me check.
SARAH: This is so important.
KAYLA: Yes, Changeling says “I will be changing my name to Changeling and Alex, Alex being my cat who is also ace.” And then they sent in pictures of them and their cat in the patron chat.
SARAH: In the patron chat? Oh my god, I’m going to go on there right now. Actually no, I’m going to need pull it up so I don’t forget. If I don’t pull it up right now, I’ll forget.
KAYLA: So true.
SARAH: So true bestie. No, that’s the wrong channel. Oh my god. Oh my god. Alex. I love you, Alex. And David Jay, who would like to promote Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown. Our other $10 patrons are David Nurse, Derek and Carissa, my Aunt Jeannie, Maggie Capalbo, Martin Chiesl who has hopped back into the game, Thanks Martin.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: Bestie, do you still want to promote the podcast “If everyone’s special no one is”? Just checking. It’s been there for a while and you announced yourself in a new way this time, by which I mean you re-patroned, Mattie, Potater, Rosie Costello, Barefoot Backpacker, The Steve. Our $15 patrons are Our $15 patrons are Andrew Hillum, who would like to promote The Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline, who would like to promote Ace of Hearts, Hector Murillo, who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person, Leila who would like to promote “Love is love” also applying to aro people, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Nina Maggart – Kayla’s aunt – who would like to promote @katemaggart.art, and Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, and our $20 patron is Sabrina Hauck. Merry Christmas Sabrina, love your mother and your father. Thank you for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
(Outro music)
(49:05)