Sounds Fake But Okay

Ep 233: Writing Gay Porn feat. Dalton King

October 09, 2022 Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 233: Writing Gay Porn feat. Dalton King
Show Notes Transcript

Content Warning: If you are sex-repulsed, this may not be the episode for you

Hey what's up hello! Today we're talking to our friend Dalton King about his experience writing gay porn in the studio porn industry. Get ready for a wild ride.

Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/writing-gay-porn-feat-dalton-king   

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(00:00)


SARAH: Hey what's up hello, welcome to Sounds Fake but Okay a podcast where an aroace girl, I'm Sarah that's me


KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl, that's me Kayla


DALTON: And I'm a dumb bitch that's me. Dalton King, gay porn writer, extrordinaire baby, let's go


SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand


KAYLA: On today's episode: writing porn


SARAH AND KAYLA: Sounds fake but okay


SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!


KAYLA: Hello! Last week we were relaxed and this week...


SARAH: We're porntastic


(laughter)


KAYLA: We're porn this time


SARAH: It's porn


KAYLA: (vaguely British accent) It's porn. No wait that makes it you know the bit with the big lumpy knobs it has


SARAH: I know


KAYLA: It has the juice. Yucky


SARAH: ugh. I already want to leave my own podcast and we haven't even begun.


KAYLA: Anyway. 


SARAH: Do we have any housekeeping other than canceling ourselves for saying that?


KAYLA: Buy that book. If you don't want to buy that book after hearing this, then...


SARAH: Truly


KAYLA: What are you doing


SARAH: You know what I'll tell you? The book, we don't talk about – do we talk about porn?


KAYLA: I don't think we do actually. So if you hate this, you'll love the book


SARAH: You'll love the book. soundsfakepod.com/book. Okay. 


KAYLA: Anyway. Moving on.


SARAH: Moving on. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?


KAYLA: This week we have a lovely guest that we've wanted to have on honestly for a very long time but we were waiting for him to mature and ripen as a porn writer


DALTON: Oh yeah, okay. 


KAYLA: We were like we have to wait until he's in that career, he knows what's going on


SARAH: He can't be green, he can't be fresh.


KAYLA: No


SARAH: He's got to know the ins and outs of the porn


DALTON: Well you've got it. 


KAYLA: He's got to be seasoned porn writer. So today that is what we've brought to you.


SARAH: So. Hello, guest. Would you like to give a little introduction to yourself?


DALTON: Was my first one not good enough?


KAYLA: (strangled sounds) No


SARAH: No, it was in fact delightful but just if there's anything you want to add, you know?


DALTON: No, I get that. Hello. My name is Dalton King. It's not my real name, that is a stage name because I'm trying to get into Hollywood as an actual screenwriter and I don't know if people are going to judge me. And by the way, if there is an executive who is somehow listening to this, please hire me.  Please. Thank you so much. 


KAYLA: Please. 


SARAH: Shoot us an email at soundsfakepod@gmail.com and I can connect you


KAYLA: Yeah


DALTON: Yes


KAYLA: We'll be the recruiters


DALTON: I work for next door studios, which I don't think most of your listeners are going to watch or want to watch considering that... y'know


SARAH: You never know. Could be educational. Would you consider what you do educational?


DALTON: Absolutely fucking not


(laughter)


SARAH: This is sex education


DALTON: People are like “oh yeah it’s teaching people about sex”. No it's selling a fantasy, and a very vanilla fantasy if I might add. 


KAYLA: Really? 


SARAH: Truly?


DALTON: I mean it's a lot of straight guys being like "oh my god I'm with my bros and I'm so horny what do I do?"


KAYLA: Wait okay. Because you write gay porn specifically, right?


DALTON: Yes


KAYLA: Well why are there straight men then?


DALTON: Because gay men love the fantasy


KAYLA: Of like turning a straight man?


DALTON: Unfortunately still. Yeah


KAYLA: Oh


DALTON: Or it's like a man, there's a huge thing of like what happens behind closed doors with frat guys and very masculine guys. They like to assume all they do is just get horny and when they can't get chicks they jerk each other off. 


SARAH: Yeah jerk off your bros


DALTON: I'm so sorry to all of the sex-repulsive aroace people out there


KAYLA: Yeah


SARAH: Listen, if anyone is sex-repulsed and you're still listening, I don't know. You should've left so long ago


KAYLA: Yeah I feel like you should've seen the title and been like "you know what? This one is not the one for me"


SARAH: This one's not for me


KAYLA: But yeah I guess


DALTON: Maybe they wanted to be educational


KAYLA: That's true. I mean listen there's a lot of aspec people out there that watch porn


DALTON: That's true


KAYLA: There's a lot of gay aspec people out there, so like maybe they've seen your work before. 


DALTON: That would be very interesting


SARAH: I am sure there are aspec porn actor... what are they called? Performers?


DALTON: So many things. Porn stars, models


SARAH: Pornformers


DALTON: We call them models


SARAH: Okay


(05:00) 


DALTON: Little industry tip.


KAYLA: Ooh


DALTON: Little industry insider moment. 


SARAH: Well. Okay before we get too deep, let's back up and I'm going to ask you the one question I have written down. 


DALTON: Gotcha. Hit me with it. 


SARAH: Pressing question from the gallery: has it been your lifelong dream to write gay porn for a living?


KAYLA: Because honestly that's always been my dream and I'm sitting here wondering like "where have I gone wrong"


SARAH: Specifically Kayla wants to write gay man porn, specifically


DALTON: Gay man porn


KAYLA: Gay man porn, yeah


DALTON: interestingly enough. When I was 5 years old


KAYLA: Um


DALTON: Actually when I just came out of the womb


KAYLA: (laughing) Okay. I thought you were being serious and I was like "huh?"


(laughter)


KAYLA: Why were you 5 and watching porn?


DALTON: Mm. 


(laughter)


KAYLA: Uh oh


SARAH: Let it all out


DALTON: I'm sure someone has at 5 years old but I was like do I want to bring that up on a podcast?


KAYLA: I hope not. Yeah maybe not. 


SARAH: I think if they do they have some other things that have maybe happened to them 


DALTON: Exactly


SARAH: That we should be concerned about and maybe seeing a psychiatrist would help


DALTON: Well my dad's a psychiatrist if you ever need one


SARAH: (laughing) Yeah let me just see your dad. There's no conflict of interest there.  


DALTON: No. But yeah as I was saying when I was 5 years old, I was just so ripe to write gay porn and only gay porn


SARAH: Hold on. Sorry. I understand that psychiatrists... I feel like some people conflate psychiatrist and therapist and they're not necessarily the same thing


DALTON: Yeah. 


SARAH: Does your father have thoughts and opinions from a psychiatric standpoint on...


DALTON: On the industry?


SARAH: On your employment? Does he know about your employment?


DALTON: Yes my father does know about my employment. He thinks it's funny. And is very supportive. 


SARAH: Good


KAYLA: That's nice


DALTON: it's very nice


SARAH: So he's not doing a psychoanalysis of you and everything that he's done wrong in your youth to lead you up to this point


KAYLA: Okay listen you're making porn sound like a really bad thing


SARAH: That's the stereotype though


DALTON: That is the stereotype


SARAH: I'm not saying it's true. 


KAYLA: I mean yeah


SARAH: But that's the stereotype


KAYLA: That's fair. We're not anti-porn. I don't want people to be like wow these people hate porn


SARAH: We're anti-exploitation. 


DALTON: Yes


KAYLA: Yeah I'm anti bad porn. Anyway. 


SARAH: Anyway, I'll let you finish the question I asked like 5 minutes ago now. 


DALTON: Which one was that?


SARAH: Was it your dream?


KAYLA: Is it your dream? Are you living your dreams?


DALTON: Okay actual answer because I didn't know where I was going with that story before now. I've always wanted to be a writer since I was like in elementary school. I wrote a bunch of knock-off stories. I don't know how to describe that. I was really into Warriors the book series and so I wrote my own but it was about dogs and it was just a carbon copy. 


KAYLA: I love that so much


DALTON: No but it's really bad because it's also me going through puberty so there's just a lot of hormones thrown in there


SARAH: Not the hormones


DALTON: So it'll be a really bad story and then randomly they're all having sex


(laughter)


KAYLA: Okay so you did write porn as a child then?


(laughter)


DALTON: I didn't write –


KAYLA: So literally the answer I'm hearing is yes


DALTON: I didn't know. When you're in 6th grade and you have like sex education you don't understand


KAYLA: You were born for this. 


SARAH: Wait so how old were you when you were doing this? This is also just an insight into the allos. 


KAYLA: That's true. 


DALTON: You're so right actually. Let's see. I was definitely in 6th grade. Sixth grade was a big year for me and my allo friends


KAYLA: Interesting


DALTON: Talking about sex and we knew nothing about it. We just talked about it. 


KAYLA: This is so funny to me because I had my literal first crush in 6th grade and the fact that you were so beyond that writing like dog porn


DALTON: No!


(laughter)


KAYLA: But like not in a weird way. In a child way. I was like oh my god first crush for little aspec Kayla and you were like "mm. sex"


SARAH: When I was in 6th grade I finally learned what the word fuck was. I finally learned the word fuck for the first time. 


DALTON: Oh I was cussing full out beginning 4th grade. My dad 


KAYLA: Alright so clearly different lives


DALTON: My dad did not mince his words in front of me at all. He was like fuck, shit. Oh I'm sorry


KAYLA: Honestly king


(laughter)


KAYLA: No we swear, we do a lot of swears. 


SARAH: King? More like Dalton King am I right ladies?


DALTON: (laughing) Oh shit


KAYLA: You know. 


SARAH: This is what happens when we pod with people we know


KAYLA: Yeah upsetting. 


(laughter)


SARAH: Also there's too much ADHD in this room. 


DALTON: That's true. 


(10:00) 


KAYLA: Mm. 


DALTON: I think we all have ADHD right? 


KAYLA: I am undiagnosed


DALTON: Close enough


KAYLA: But it's trending in that direction


(laughter)


KAYLA: Anyway. Fun times with Kayla and her therapist. 


SARAH: Delightful. Wait so sixth grade was when the not dogs were fucking?


(laughter)


DALTON: Yeah. Here's the thing. No one was actually having sex in 6th grade. Everyone was just talking about it. 


SARAH: Yeah


KAYLA: Yeah


DALTON: Which I feel like is very – well maybe it wasn't normal but it felt very normal. It was more like one of those things where you know when you were a kid and you lie to brag, to seem more I don't know? Noteworthy or something? 


SARAH: I was too much of a goody two-shoes to lie, but yes


DALTON: Oh I lied all the time. I used to lie so much. I actually have a wild story that I could tell. It's long but I lied about how I lost my virginity when I was in high school. Not because I wanted to have sex but just because I wanted to tell people I lost my virginity because I was, I was a weird kid. 


KAYLA: Interesting


DALTON: I don't know what to tell you. 


KAYLA: No that's like a common thing. People lie about who they have crushes on because there's just so much pressure


DALTON: yeah but I –


SARAH: Yeah I would just make up crushes


(laughter)


DALTON: (laughing) Are crushes real?


SARAH: I knew this kid has a crush on me so I was like I guess I'll have a crush on him back. 


DALTON: I couldn't do that. I knew there were some girls that had crushes on me and I was just like "oh that's cool I guess"


KAYLA: You're like I'm busy


DALTON: Yeah I got to go play my GameBoy


KAYLA: So true. Okay so if writing porn was not your childhood dream


DALTON: No


KAYLA: How did this journey start for you? If someone is an aspiring porn writer, how do you get into this career?


DALTON: I wish I could give a really straightforward answer. 


KAYLA: Straight? Not on this podcast. 


SARAH: Please


DALTON: A really gayforward answer


(laughter)


KAYLA: Thank you


DALTON: How could I be so stupid and say that incorrectly. But I can't give you like an "if I have no connections what do you do there?" because the thing is I didn't know this was a job that existed until a porn star at Next Door Studios hit on my on Grindr. 


KAYLA: Oh my god


SARAH: For context, me and DK, Dalton King not Donkey Kong


KAYLA: DK! Donkey Kong


SARAH: Have known each other for a couple years now and so when all of this was unfolding I was hearing about it and I was like "this is wild" so just picture me, Sarah


KAYLA: An aroace


SARAH: Hearing these stories. Anyway, continue. 


DALTON: No, it was wild. We were talking and we were saying what we were doing and he told me what he does and I was like "I don't care, that's great" and I was telling him I'm trying to be a writer, and this was like the height of the pandemic too. And he was like "oh no way, we're actually looking for a writer at next door studios" and I was like "What?" and then a year went by because of I guess a lot of bullshit. I don't know the full details of that obviously because I wasn't there. But I had to apply. I had like a 3 or 4 round interview


KAYLA: Dang


DALTON: I had to send in an application, do an email interview, do an in person interview, and then write some samples and apparently I was up against 6 other writers including a couple published novelists. 


SARAH: Hm


DALTON: That's what I was told. And I got the job. Anyway. 


SARAH: Were they smutty novels? Because that's the real kicker. 


DALTON: I have no idea. 


SARAH: You know? 


KAYLA: I think they must be. 


SARAH: But also writing smut and writing porn is not the same thing


DALTON: No


KAYLA: That's true


SARAH: It's a different skill set. 


DALTON: You're very correct. 


SARAH: Anyway


KAYLA: How does one... were these samples you have to send in like porn? I'm assuming they didn't just want a short story


DALTON: No yeah they were porn. They literally – what? 


KAYLA: If you've never written porn before, how do you know how to do that? 


(laughter)


KAYLA: Did you google like how to write porn? I just can't even fathom in my mind


SARAH: Did you just study the craft by watching a lot of porn? 


KAYLA: You were like mm yes, the writing. Taking notes. Deeply analyzing. I just feel like if someone asked me, and of course I'm aspec –


DALTON: Right


KAYLA: – so maybe it would be harder. But if someone asked me okay you have to write a porn, I would be like I don't fucking know dude. I could barely write my book


SARAH: I'm also a super dialogue heavy writer, so when I was trying to explain


(15:00) 


SARAH: What would happen I would be like "well they put the thingy do in the"


(laughter)


KAYLA: Yeah do you ever write that? Is that a line you used before?


DALTON: The thingy do?


SARAH: The thingy do


DALTON: No


KAYLA: You don't say that? You should consider 


DALTON: I really should


KAYLA: And then credit Sarah, please. 


SARAH: I mean earlier I was talking to DK, Dalton King


KAYLA: DK!


SARAH: About this and I suggested the phrase "harder, bestie" for use


KAYLA: Oh no. I'm actually good without that thank you


SARAH: And he said no, which was weird to em


KAYLA: And I'm with him. 


DALTON: No, no, no. Hang on. I keysmashed and then I said no. Very important distinction. 


KAYLA: Yeah that is different. That's true. 


DALTON: All caps keysmash. 


SARAH: Actually the S and the A were lowercase. I'm looking at it right now. 


KAYLA: That's a really important distinction, thank you Sarah. 


SARAH: You're welcome


DALTON: So to answer your question they gave me a sample before of like what they wanted


KAYLA: Oh that's helpful


DALTON: Yeah. And so it was like so weird because it was like we need you to craft two stories. One of them is a college frat bro and a nerd. Location frat house prop –


KAYLA: Oh no


DALTON: Varsity jacket or whatever. You know, frat shirt. And then I had to craft a story basically. And I had to do one for a college nerd and a college frat bro and of course and I'm so sorry for all your viewers that I'm about to say this


SARAH: Viewers? Nothing to see


KAYLA: Nothing to see here


DALTON: Your listeners. Listen 


KAYLA: It's okay I forgive you


DALTON: I just want them to view me you know what I mean? I just want them to see me. 


KAYLA: Okay but you're anonymous they can't


DALTON: No I know


KAYLA: You're secret. You're in hiding


SARAH: DK


DALTON: This cruel world


KAYLA: DK


DALTON: Gave me the name Dalton King and I think it's beautiful. 


KAYLA: They gave it to you? Didn't even get to choose?


DALTON: No I named myself I just meant that the opportunity


KAYLA: Oh okay


SARAH: I remember when you were coming up with names


DALTON: Yes


SARAH: And you were like Dalton King and I was like "I like it"


KAYLA: It is good


DALTON: It's so good. I daresay it's one of the best porn names that's out there. 


SARAH: Fuck it up


KAYLA: You know what? I think so. 


DALTON: I've seen some pretty bad porn names, believe me or not. 


KAYLA: I'm sure you have. 


SARAH: What was the one you told me Christian Mingle but the Chris is just an X?


KAYLA: Oh. Terrible. I hate it. 


SARAH: No offense to Xtian Mingle I'm sure you do great work. 


KAYLA: No, full offense. 


DALTON: Full offense. 


KAYLA: That's awful we can't do that. Absolutely not. 


SARAH: It's a really good drag name too


DALTON: I don't really work with Xtian Mingle that much. I don't really know why, but. 


KAYLA: Tragic. Do you have like models that are always in your stuff?


DALTON: We do. They're called exclusives. 


KAYLA: Ooh. 


DALTON: We have stars that we make them sign a contract where they can only shoot studio porn, or gay studio porn with us. Because we do have a couple that do straight sites and trans sites. A lot of gay performers will also do a lot of trans porn, which is always – I don't like how this is described, but it's always chicks with dicks. That type. It's always that. It's never... there's no name for it


SARAH: Yeah


DALTON: The opposite. 


KAYLA: Yeah that is mmm problematic


DALTON: It very much is. I did not come up with the naming scheme of it


KAYLA: Yeah


DALTON: I don't like it, but that is always how it's referred to. 


SARAH: Yucky


DALTON: Yep. Absolutely. But yes we do have people who get exclusive contracts and they start in a few scenes a month. 


SARAH: Do you write for... like do you ever know ahead of time like "I'm going to have this one so I'm going to write with them in mind"?


DALTON: Yeah so we have a calendar that – I don't know if other porn studios do this but we have a calendar of the list of scenes we're doing each day and who's going to be in each scene and then I'll usually get a chance to look at that and be like "this is who's going to be there" and sometimes if it's someone who's like a good actor I'll be like "oh maybe I can give them a little bit more words" or something. But it's always subject to change because someone could have an STD or someone could break their arm. 


KAYLA: Oh no


DALTON: There's been really wild shit. That's so tame compared to


(20:00) 


DALTON: what some of the reasons are for someone canceling


KAYLA: Yikes


DALTON: Fun stuff. Really fun stuff. 


SARAH: Fun stuff. 


KAYLA: I have a question. 


DALTON: Yes


KAYLA: Do you feel like writing porn from 9-5 or whatever and having to look at sex all the time affects your sex life? And if that's too personal that's fine. 


DALTON: No, no


KAYLA: I'm just curious


DALTON: I'm very much an open book. Yes and no. It's definitely obviously diluted my opinion of porn and how much it can turn me on I guess?


SARAH: Doesn't work as well. 


(laughter)


KAYLA: Because now you're like analyzing the writing


SARAH: Efficacy is low


KAYLA: You're like I would've done this differently


DALTON: Well like when it's very high value I'm like –


SARAH: Exposure therapy. 


DALTON: (laughing) You're right. Exposure therapy. God bless. Anyone who's a porn addict out there, just start writing porn. 


(laughter)


DALTON: That's how you'll get into recovery. No, but it's made like studio porn obviously very less appealing. And in terms of my sex life... I guess a little bit, yeah. I don't know if there's a correlation to it but I have been not as slutty as I used to be. I think my dad has been watching some so sorry to infer 


KAYLA: Listen he's got to know. 


SARAH: It's important. 


KAYLA: Daddy king


DALTON: Absolutely not. 


(laughter)


SARAH: I got to go. I got to get out of here. 


DALTON: I'm quitting right now. 


KAYLA: I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, sir. Mr. King. Sir King. I'm sorry Mr. King. Please don't psychoanalyze me. Actually please do I need some new diagnoses. Anyway. 


SARAH: Anyway. I don't know if you can even speak to this, but I feel like in my mind, as a person who does not consume either of these types of content


DALTON: Sure


SARAH: There's like porn then there's like OnlyFans shit. They're like entirely different realms. 


DALTON: Yeah


SARAH: Like do you agree with that? And has your experience writing porn impacted your view of how other types of Onlyfans, camboy, that sort of stuff, your understanding of that. Has it impacted that? 


DALTON: A little, but not really. The only thing I understand is that it's a lot more profitable to be in an Onlyfans than it is to do studio porn. You do studio porn for notoriety.


SARAH: Mhm


DALTON: To make money on your Onlyfans because studio porn does not pay as much as people – well I don't know what people think it pays, but it doesn't pay a lot. So. 


SARAH: Interesting. 


KAYLA: I mean I feel like I have heard "oh this porn star is on Onlyfans now" People are like fans of certain porn stars and then they can... but I have to imagine, you're not like a porn executive so I don't know if you would know this, but I have to imagine the rise of Onlyfans has kind of diminished the demand for traditional studio porn. Because it feels like you could get other porn – or you could like go on Twitter and just find free porn


SARAH: You can get that shit for free


KAYLA: That's like on Tumblr and Twitter for you for free


DALTON: Oh 100%. The rise of tube sites – that's what places like PornHub and all those places are called – tube sites and Onlyfans has definitely diminished the value of studio porn, but we are still kicking strong. 


KAYLA: So studio porn. How do you buy porn that comes from a studio? Because I was assuming your stuff was going to like a PornHub. So it's not?


DALTON: Oh it does. But not the full video. 


KAYLA: Oh


DALTON: So there are, which I'm sure some of your viewers already know. Listeners, fuck. 


SARAH: It's fine


KAYLA: Dalton!


SARAH: I was just giving you shit


KAYLA: No it's okay. Everyone's looking at you right now. 


DALTON: I'm so scared. 


KAYLA: I'm secretly recording this. 


DALTON: Just going to die right now. 


SARAH: Uh oh not a live death. 


DALTON: (laughing) Hey it would skyrocket listeners. Imagine first death recorded. On a podcast


KAYLA: Uh? Oh my god


SARAH: I don't think it's the first ever. 


KAYLA: Certainly not a first. 


DALTON: That's sad


KAYLA: Anyway. 


DALTON: Let's see. So next door studios, we have a few sites. Technically next door studios is a sub-brand under our conglomerate called Alpha Studio Group, and we have multiple sites under that name that you can pay for and it's like a monthly membership. 


(25:00) 


DALTON: It's like Netflix and all that type of stuff. There's like nextdoorstudios.com, falcon studios, next door taboo, we just launched a new one called Rod's Room


KAYLA: Not Rod


(laughter)


DALTON: I didn't come up with the name


KAYLA: That's fair, I shouldn't bring this on you


DALTON: No it's okay, I get it. But I didn't come up with the name


KAYLA: No you would do a better job


DALTON: You're right. You're so right. Why didn't they consult me for the marketing?


KAYLA: It would be Dalton's room. It would be daltonkingsroom.com


DALTON: I would love that. No please don't. 


KAYLA: (laughing) No one make that. 


DALTON: I don't think I want to own... I've been on set and I would get bored so easily


KAYLA: Yeah


DALTON: The thing is once you've been on set enough... just for all the aces. It's aces right? What's the non allos? 


SARAH: Aspecs


KAYLA: Aspecs


DALTON: Yeah so I just fucked that up. So for all the aspecs out there, when you are on a porn set. I get a lot of people asking me "oh my god isn't it so hot when you're on set?"


KAYLA: Ew probably not


DALTON: Literally no. 


SARAH: It's mechanical


DALTON: It's the least sexiest thing I've ever experienced because it just takes all of the fun and joy of sex kind of out of it when you're just watching it to make content and then... I don't know. It's boring. It's really boring to watch other people have sex. I got to be real honest. 


SARAH: Anyone who's been on a film set knows that it is not as glamorous as it sounds. It is exhausting and boring and you will do a lot of standing around, waiting, and doing nothing


DALTON: Yeah


SARAH: And so then you add the fact that what you're recording is sex into that and it's like, it's not going to be an exciting experience


KAYLA: Especially once you make it like, your job. 


DALTON: Yeah


KAYLA: It does seem so mechanical. You have to direct it right, then you have to do things over or whatever. That's not fun or sexy that's just your jobs. 


SARAH: Are there any like porn auteurs?


KAYLA: Huh? 


SARAH: (laughing) How do you describe auteur to a non-film major? Okay


DALTON: Oh boy


KAYLA: What the fuck is an auteur? 


SARAH: So it's a film maker who's personal influence and control over technique is so great that the film maker is regarded as the author of the movie


DALTON: It's like film makers who have a very specific style


SARAH: Hitchcock, Tarantino, Scorsese


DALTON: Yeah


KAYLA: Like the Grand Budapest guy?


SARAH: Who directed that?


DALTON: I don't know his fucking name


KAYLA: He's like a whimsical little man


DALTON: No, I know who you're talking about but


SARAH: Bob Lerman is one


KAYLA: Who does the Grand Budapest?


SARAH: Wes Anderson


KAYLA: Yeah, he's the little guy. I have no idea what he looks like he just has little guy energy


DALTON: He is a little guy I think. Yeah


KAYLA: Short king. They have short king porn? Is that a genre of porn? I'm so serious right now is there a genre for short 


SARAH: Wes Andersen is 6'1"


KAYLA: Mm. Short king


DALTON: No but he has short king vibes


SARAH: He has short king energy


DALTON: Yeah if you look at him


KAYLA: Okay but is there a porn category for short kings? If not, I think you should be the auteur of that. 


(laughter)


SARAH: You didn't use it right


KAYLA: Is that how that works?


SARAH: No it's okay. Listen some of us have film degrees and some of us don't. It's okay. 


DALTON: Ooh. 


KAYLA: Some of us studied psychology. 


DALTON: Can you psychoanalyze me and why I'm still at this job?


KAYLA: That's your dad's job


DALTON: Let's see. No there's not really a short king


KAYLA: They should get on that


DALTON: Well the thing about that is that could so easily go into fetishization 


KAYLA: Yeah that's fair. That is very fair


DALTON: There's too much of that as is


KAYLA: Yeah. I take it back. I take it back. I don't want that anymore


SARAH: Fuck those guys


KAYLA: Fuck short men


SARAH: But it's porn so


KAYLA: But don't. Fuck everyone. 


DALTON: Non-sexual fuck those guys. 


SARAH AND KAYLA: Yeah


KAYLA: Theoretically. Yeah. 


SARAH: What was the thing that most surprised you?


(30:00) 


SARAH: When you started. Like what was your... I'm going to stop. Sometimes I just continue to ask questions and I have nothing more to add to them but I just feel like I need to keep saying something. I'm going to stop. 


DALTON: The ADHD experience. Oh god what was the thing that was most surprising? Oh god I don't know. Maybe how quickly it gets made for what it is? I told Sarah about this before, but we've been starting to do longer-form content. I write my scripts as actual film scripts. And for those of you who don't know, film scripts they're written in a very specific style. 


SARAH: Interior. Frat house. 


DALTON: Yeah


SARAH: Today. 


(laughter)


DALTON: So true, bestie. 


KAYLA: Sarah could write porn tomorrow


SARAH: Why not today?


DALTON: She could


KAYLA: Because you have things to do today and I know it


SARAH: Oh my god I know I have so much to do. 


DALTON: I feel like for the general public, I don't know how true this is, 20 minutes sitcom is usually 20 something pages of script writing, and they usually take a week sometimes 2 to film those. And we have longer-form content that's like 13 pages and they just take 2 days to film it including the sex and that's it. 


SARAH: Huh.


KAYLA: That sounds exhausting


DALTON: They have a very long day


SARAH: Do you have like standing sets and studios that you use? Because I imagine you're not like, location scouting


DALTON: For the longer-form content we actually have like a rotating few really nice houses that we rent out and then everyone goes on location there. 


SARAH: Mhm. Yeah


DALTON: There's a studio warehouse that we have where we have actual studio sets and they're like painted and stuff


KAYLA: What I know is that there's a building in LA that looks like a castle and that there's events there sometimes. The Stranger Things experience was there, and they used to film porn there. This is a porn fact that I know. 


SARAH: Are you thinking about the Magic Castle? 


(laughter)


KAYLA: Not the Magic Castle. No. 


SARAH: That's secret. You can't get in there. 


KAYLA: That's what you think. No there's... I'll ask. There's a building. Dean went to the Stranger Things experience


SARAH: Hold on let me just look up Stranger Things experience


KAYLA: There's like event spaces in it but apparently they used to rent it out to do porn in a lot


DALTON: Was it in Chadsworth? 


KAYLA: I don't know! Or maybe it was in San Francisco. No, it's in San Francisco. I think maybe it's in the Bay Area not LA. Oh now I sound stupid


DALTON: No I mean the San Fernando Valley used to be the porn capitol of the US


SARAH: And hey. What's changed?


DALTON: Well I think the porn capitol is actually now San Diego


KAYLA: Why?


SARAH: Okay well I'm podcasting from North Hollywood so. 


KAYLA: And Sarah is notably the porn capitol of the world. 


SARAH: We are. It's us. 


DALTON: True


SARAH: Here we are in the valley, the porn capitol of the valley. 


DALTON: Remember there's that one tweet of the guy who's like "you ever notice when you go to North Hollywood the sky just gets darker when you enter and then it's brighter when you leave?"


SARAH: It's all the porn


DALTON: It's all the porn. The porn makes the sky darker. That's so fucked up. 


KAYLA: Yes, okay!


SARAH: It's the pheromone


KAYLA: It's this castle there's this castle


DALTON: oh my god wait! I know that fucking castle


KAYLA: It's called the San Francisco armory


SARAH: Okay well that's not in Los Angeles


KAYLA: No I forgot. And there's a lot of memes about it. Is it false? Am I wrong? 


DALTON: No no no. You are so correct. That is, if you are a gay man


KAYLA: I'm not


DALTON: Or anyone who watches gay porn I guess, that is one of the most well-known images


KAYLA: Yes! I was right


DALTON: Of gay porn


KAYLA: I did it! I knew a gay porn!


(laughter)


DALTON: Congratulations


KAYLA: Thank you, thank you, thank you. 


DALTON: It's like that and there's also a meme about this warehouse. Not a warehouse, a storage closet that's used for this one studio. It's weird. I don't...


KAYLA: Okay so look up, if everyone wants to see it, look up San Francisco armory. lt's just the outside of the building, you're not going to see anything. 


DALTON: No


SARAH: It's literally called the king castle


KAYLA: Not safe for work


DALTON AND KAYLA: Yeah


KAYLA: It's literally just a picture of. So Dean went here for the Stranger Things experience and they were like "lol it's the porn castle"


DALTON: And it is


KAYLA: So did they used to film a lot of porn there? Is that why? 


(35:00) 


DALTON: No it's –


KAYLA: Why is it famous? 


DALTON: There's a few sites that before every video they show the exterior of that building


KAYLA: Oh. Like this is where we are? 


DALTON: Yeah establishing shot


KAYLA: So they just pretend that the room that these people are in is this castle? 


DALTON: I don't work for that studio so I don't know if they actually film in that studio


KAYLA: Okay. So they're just wanting the viewers to think the room the porn is happening in is the castle


DALTON: Yeah it has like a I don't know. There's a weird thing in gay porn of having to feel the masculinity because of course everything is problematic


KAYLA: Yeah


DALTON: And I guess for whatever reason somewhere somehow someone looked at the castle and was like "this will be the epitome of masculinity. This is what we should show in front of"


KAYLA: That is absolutely not true. I don't see castles as masculine


DALTON: No but it's the specific photo


SARAH: It's an armory


DALTON: It's like dim lighting


KAYLA: Oh


DALTON: And moody kind of. I don't fucking know. I'm just theorizing. 


KAYLA: You're just here


SARAH: Like a hard-boiled porn star


DALTON: yes


KAYLA: Huh, what?


SARAH: I don't mean putting a porn star in boiling water. I mean 


KAYLA: In boiling water


DALTON: Hard boiled egg porn star. I think it's beautiful


KAYLA: Dalton, I have a hard hitting question for you


DALTON: Oh my god please give me the hard hitting questions


KAYLA: On a scale of 1 to 10 how problematic is the porn industry?


DALTON: Oh god can I answer this?


KAYLA: If you can't it's fine. 


DALTON: No no. I will say our studio is the best one on how it treats people


KAYLA: That's good


DALTON: By far


SARAH: Tea


DALTON: And I think that's all I can really say about that


KAYLA: That is very fair. You do have a job to keep. That's very fair


DALTON: I do. You know if I lose it


KAYLA: (laughing) You can come back


SARAH: And what? Make money off of this podcast? 


KAYLA: No I'm just saying if he loses his job he could come back and tell us


SARAH: All of the secrets


KAYLA: All the secrets yeah


DALTON: Oh my god I can't wait. It's going to be amazing. 


KAYLA: Do you have a favorite porn? Actually I've asked you this before


DALTON: You did


KAYLA: So I was telling my roommate


SARAH: She did? When did you ask him? 


KAYLA: I don't know it was a while ago


SARAH: I feel like I've chaperoned every interaction you two have ever had


DALTON: You did


KAYLA: No I think you were there


DALTON: You were in the conversation


KAYLA: You were there


(laughter)


KAYLA: So I told my roommates I know someone who writes gay porn, we're going to have him on the podcast and they were very interested in this and they were like "can you ask him what his favorite porn that he wrote is because I want to watch it" and I was like okay? I don't think they've watched it


DALTON: No, also –


KAYLA: They want to watch it together and I was like I don't want any part of that


DALTON: If they want the full thing they're going to have to


KAYLA: They have to pay for it


DALTON: Or just give them a log in


SARAH: What you can't send them the screener?


KAYLA: (laughing) Not the screener


DALTON: No you know what though? Apparently we make DVDs still


KAYLA: Oh my god


DALTON: So I'll send them a DVD


KAYLA: Yeah just mail me the DVD we'll put it in our Xbox


SARAH: It's called an Xbox for a reason


DALTON: (laughing) Oh shit


SARAH: Guys


KAYLA: Okay but what is your favorite porn that you did?


DALTON: Okay I always default to, there's this one it's called "why isn't he into me?" It's one of the first ones I wrote


KAYLA: So true


DALTON: And it's about this gay guy and this straight guy are roommates


SARAH: Oh my god they were roommates 


KAYLA: And they were roommates


DALTON: And the straight guy is like "don't hit on me. As long as you're not hitting on me we can be roommates" and the gay guy's like "I would never hit on you. You're not my type" and the straight guy gets severely offended and he was like "excuse me? You're not into me?" so then he does increasingly stupid things to try to get the gay guy's attention to be like "no I'm going to prove that you think I'm hot and you want to sleep with me" and it escalates so far he's like "you want me to fucking suck your dick? Fine I'll suck your dick" and the gay guy's like "okay fine I guess. It's not going to change anything" and they have sex.


KAYLA: Honestly that's like kind of cute. 


SARAH: It's a little fanfictiony


KAYLA: It's a little enemies to lovers


DALTON: And then in the end after they have sex the straight guy's like "so do you think I'm hot?" and the gay guy's like "well I always thought you were hot"


(laughter)


KAYLA: Wait why do you write good porn? That sounds like a really nice storyline. Why are you good at your job? I wish that wasn't porn so I could like watch it, but I don't want to


(40:00) 


DALTON: We have this new brand called Next Door films for longer form content and I think they're trying to get a safe for work edits of that to release out on YouTube


KAYLA: I want it. I want to watch your safe for work content


DALTON: So I can send it to you. I don't know if it'll be –


SARAH: I want to read one of your scripts


KAYLA: Next episode let’s do a live reading


DALTON: Dude I'm so down


KAYLA: No, no I'm kidding


DALTON: No I can give you an old one


SARAH: I am really curious. I do want to see what it's like


DALTON: It's mostly the same as a regular film script except in between stuff there's little notes for directors' notes and also sometimes I have to write the action. I get this question all the time. Do I write the sex positions? No, but I do write the way they finish which is


SARAH: It's important to the plot


DALTON: (laughing) Exactly


SARAH: (laughing) It impacts the dialogue


DALTON: Exactly. Sometimes people are like "ooh that's so exciting" I'm like no it's not


KAYLA: It's so interesting that you don't get to pick how it starts but they make you decide how it ends


DALTON: I mean I can be like "this person sucks off this person first" or like they make out first then they transition to this


KAYLA: Okay


DALTON: And then sometimes if it's important to the story I'll be like "they have to say these words during the sex" but I'm not like "oh they do missionary then they go to doggy style for 35 seconds then they do a reach around"


SARAH: (laughing) And then at the one minute ten second mark


KAYLA: Yeah you got to get the timer on there. Oh my god that's so funny. 


SARAH: oh. Amazing. You don't have to answer this one, but this is just based off something I know. 


DALTON: Mhm. 


SARAH: (questioning sounds)


KAYLA: (imitates Sarah's questioning sounds)


SARAH: Trying to figure out how best to phrase it. I know personally you have gotten some positive feed back from


DALTON: The comments


SARAH: From commenters. What has been your favorite feedback from commenters?


DALTON: Thank you for bringing this up. I have to bring it up now. 


KAYLA: Do you have a screenshot?


DALTON: It's absolutely probably the funniest comment I will ever get and it is –


SARAH: Kayla, I sent it to you. 


KAYLA: No yeah I remember it. It's my phone screensaver actually


DALTON: Oh this is a different one that's just wild. Some of the porno comments are just insane. Like this one is talking about how this guy got robbed and then at the end he's like "great job guys"


(laughter)


KAYLA: (laughing) Oh my god. It's like those makeup reviews that are like "I got in a car accident and cried a bunch but this mascara stayed on. Goodbye"


DALTON: Okay I'm going to read this to you. Are you ready? 


KAYLA: Yes


SARAH: No but I'm excited


DALTON: Okay. "We're just not used to these levels of accomplishment in our porn. Everybody nailed it but especially Dalton King, screenwriter. The dialogue between Andrew and Brandon – Andrew Miller and Brandon Anderson, two of our exclusives – is boner making hot. A buddy and I watch porn together, don't usually do anything except watch each other jo, but this scene, by the time this actually started, we were helping each other out and getting our dicks wet. Thanks for a hot, hot, hot scene"


SARAH: (laughing) Boner making hot


DALTON: Boner making hot, baby let's go!


KAYLA: I just like... (breaks off into laughter). The fact that they're like "this porn is so good I can't do this by myself. I have to help my friend"


SARAH: I got to jerk off my buddy


KAYLA: It's too hot I can't do it alone


(laughter)


DALTON: Yeah


KAYLA: Were you so happy, were you so validated?


DALTON: A little bit. I was like –


KAYLA: You made it


DALTON: I'm sorry no other comment that I get in this career


KAYLA: Nothing


DALTON: Or the next one or the next one after that


KAYLA: Nothing


DALTON: Nothing will compare to being called – 


KAYLA: You could win an oscar


DALTON: Boner making hot. Yeah it won't compare. 


SARAH: Mm mm. 


DALTON: The Oscars? Never heard of them. 


SARAH: (laughing) Nothing short of an EGOT. 


KAYLA: If you win a major award like that and do a TV speech, will you promise to mention this review, this comment? 


DALTON: Absolutely. I thought you were going to say podcast. I'd absolutely shout out this podcast also. 


KAYLA: Oh well yeah also that obviously. 


SARAH: Would they let you say boner making hot depending on what it was being aired on? 


KAYLA: No. No, what? 


DALTON: Yeah I think they would. It's not a slur. It's also not a curse word


SARAH: I think it might be okay. I think boner would be okay. 


KAYLA: You should be like "and winning this Oscar has been boner making hot" wink, and then you walk off stage. 


SARAH: Thanks to the Academy!


DALTON: They would never nominate me again. I mean I guess I wouldn't care 


KAYLA: Then you know what? 


(45:00) 


DALTON: Because I already one


KAYLA: That's worth it


DALTON: Yeah actually so right. I should just say that, walk off, and then someone at the after party will be like "what did you mean by that?" and I'll be like "I can't elaborate I'm so sorry"


KAYLA: You can point them to this podcast episode right here. I think the next time you go on a date you should be like "thanks this has been boner making" and then give them a firm handshake and walk away


DALTON: Oh my god me on a date? hasn't happened in a while


KAYLA: Well I bet if you started saying boner making hot


DALTON: You're actually so right I need to start saying that I'm boner making hot


KAYLA: Dating advice from Kayla. 


SARAH: Open all of your conversations with "Hey, you know what's boner making hot? My writing as Dalton King, screenwriter"


KAYLA: Would you tell someone on a dating app that you're a porn writer?


DALTON: I do it all the time. I have no shame in it. The only reason I'm not public about it or at least showing my face is I'm afraid Hollywood will be like "oh he just writes porn he can't write anything good" and then I'll be out of a job


KAYLA: Yeah that's fair. Okay but clearly you did write something good. 


ALL: It was boner making hot


DALTON: Excuse me we just got nominated for a bunch of fleshbot awards and I have to assume –


KAYLA: Ooh


DALTON: it's big. Oh I need to tell everyone because everyone always says "oh do you have the pornies?" No. They're called the grabbies. 


(laughter)


KAYLA: (laughing) Oh it's worse. Wait so could you get nominated for like a writing award?


DALTON: There's one writing award


KAYLA: They should have more


DALTON: For best screenplay and it's at the grabbies


SARAH: Better grab that award


DALTON: But they hate our studio


SARAH: Oh no


DALTON: So we will never get nominated.


KAYLA: No but you need to get nominated. 


DALTON: I would like to. It'd be really funny. I know I'm supposed to be like I'd be so honored to get this award


KAYLA: No


DALTON: No it'd be funny


KAYLA: Do you get a physical award?


DALTON: Yeah


KAYLA: Imagine having on your shelf for the rest of your life a grabby


DALTON: Oh I'm getting a DVD. So we have these awards called the gayvns, which are the gay porn oscars and in order to be nominated for a specific category there's some specific requirements, so my boss had to string together 3 of our long form releases into a DVD, and I'm getting a DVD so it's mailed to me


KAYLA: You have to frame it


DALTON: Exactly. I'm going to have it on my shelf


SARAH: Place of honor


DALTON: Or on my wall or something and it's going to have written by Dalton King 


KAYLA: You have to


DALTON: And I'm going to be like god bless


KAYLA: You have to 


SARAH: If you win a Grabby do you win a statue? What's the statue?


KAYLA: Is it just a hand going like grabby grabby


SARAH: Is it just a dildo?


DALTON: I don't know let me look it up


KAYLA: I hope it's just a squishy boob that you can grab. 


DALTON: Mm that might be Xavns


KAYLA: Class I should've known that


SARAH: Yeah come on Kayla


KAYLA: How stupid of me to say that what an idiot oh my god. I'm embarrassed


DALTON: I don't know what the trophies are. I haven't gotten one yet. 


KAYLA: Justice for Dalton King, dude. I can't believe this. 


DALTON: Thank you. I deserve all the awards.


KAYLA: I will not rest until you get a porn award. 


DALTON: Let's see the gayvns are two men having sex, so. 


KAYLA: Love. Love that. 


SARAH: Okay


DALTON: Just imagine the oscars but two of them wrapped around each other


SARAH: Okay now I need to see it


KAYLA: Honestly romance. 


DALTON: gayvn award trophy and then images, but don't scroll too far down obviously. 


SARAH: Wait how do you spell it?


DALTON: It's G-A-Y-V-N


KAYLA: Yeah those are some Oscars fucking


DALTON: They're literally just the Oscars fucking and I think that's really cute


KAYLA: I love that for them


DALTON: The Xavn is just a gold X


KAYLA: That is stupid


DALTON: And I don't know what the fleshbot is


KAYLA: The flesh butt?


DALTON: The flesh bot.


KAYLA: Oh. 


DALTON: I don't think that's any better actually


SARAH: Most butts are fleshy.


DALTON: So true. 


KAYLA: You know what? That's so true. Thank you for saying that. Oh it's a dick. 


SARAH: Is it?


KAYLA: The fleshbot award is this silver – it's just a dick. 


SARAH: (gasping) I love it


DALTON: Oh look at that


KAYLA: Unless these are just some men holding a very shiny dick


DALTON: Which you know in this industry, you never know


KAYLA: Who among us


DALTON: I think it's changed from year to year actually


KAYLA: Wow. They should make it a dick every year because it's funny


DALTON: You're absolutely correct


(50:00) 


KAYLA: Dicks are funny


DALTON: They're so funny


SARAH: Dicks are scary


KAYLA: Do you ever see a dick when you're watching them make porn and you're like "that looks so silly"?


DALTON: No


KAYLA: Oh


DALTON: Only because when I'm on set I'm not even looking


KAYLA: You know what that's fair. That would be weird if you were like "show me that dick"


DALTON: I mean if you're the director you have to be like "show me that dick"


KAYLA: Yes


DALTON: But I get so bored. I'm sorry. And if anyone at work is listening I'm sorry, but I'm not actually that sorry because –


KAYLA: Listen his job is to write not to watch


DALTON: yes. Thank you. Exactly. I don't think anyone's going to watch – listen, fuck


KAYLA: Yeah certainly no one's going to watch it. Certainly not. 


DALTON: I don't think anyone from work's going to listen to this. 


KAYLA: I'm going to email this to the CEO next whatever. I don't even remember what your company's called


DALTON: I think the CEO's straight


KAYLA: It's a straight man?


DALTON: Yeah, yeah


KAYLA: Mm, I don't know how I feel about that


DALTON: Ah you can feel any way you want it's the truth


KAYLA: Well


SARAH: Anyway


KAYLA: Is there anything else? I feel like we've covered a lot today


DALTON: Yeah


SARAH: Did it makes sense? Did it tell a narrative story? I don't know, but does porn tell a narrative story. When Dalton King writes it, yes. 


KAYLA: Yes it does. Yes it does.


DALTON: I was going to say if your viewers, if any of them – I don't know why they would – listeners god I'm never going to get that right. 


KAYLA: It's okay. Just give up. 


DALTON: If any of your listeners have any questions for me, if you guys are down for it I'd be happy to answer them. People have questions all the time when they meet me. I'm actually a little suspicious if someone isn't interested in the job that I have because it's like –


KAYLA: No it's so interesting


DALTON: Right? If I tell someone and they're like "oh whatever" I'm like "okay fuck you too I guess"


KAYLA: Maybe we should make the poll this week like do you have any questions? For porn writer Dalton King


SARAH: (whispering) Dalton King


KAYLA: And then we can send some to you 


DALTON: Sure


KAYLA: You can give us the hot answers


DALTON: I would love that


SARAH: The spicy


KAYLA: The hot Q&A with Dalton King


SARAH: Dalton King comma screenwriter


KAYLA: Comma porn


SARAH: Boner making hot


DALTON: Boner making hot baby


KAYLA: Yeah King, boner maker


(laughter)


SARAH: Okay


DALTON: I mean technically


KAYLA: I mean, it's the job. What you going to do?


SARAH: I'm picturing someone with clay literally building a boner


KAYLA: Mm


DALTON: That's very aspec of you.


SARAH: Maybe it's the trophy for the awards


KAYLA: Who's to say?


DALTON: You know, to be fair, they do have – what's it called? ADHD brain blanking – molds of porn stars' dicks. 


KAYLA: Mm. 


DALTON: And they will have to stay hard for like 6 hours and cake their dicks in a plaster. Oh my god yeah


SARAH: How do you – okay


KAYLA: So do they sell that as like a dildo?


DALTON: Yeah


KAYLA: Woah


DALTON: I can also tell you how pornstars get hard on set. You might be a little scarred. 


SARAH: Wait, hold on


KAYLA: Is it drugs? 


DALTON: Yes. 


KAYLA: Yeah


DALTON: But it's not just like Viagra it's like a very specific drug called Trimex that they inject


KAYLA: (gasps)


DALTON: In the face


KAYLA: Ugh you can't do that


(laughter)


KAYLA: You can't. You shan't


SARAH: (quietly) Oh my god. I can't believe we got this far into the podcast


KAYLA: And we just – how is that not what we're opening with


SARAH: I know


DALTON: (laughing) Just move it around. It's fine. You know how they have the little teasers?


KAYLA: (laughing) Yeah. It's times like this that I'm glad I don't have a penis. 


SARAH: I'm glad I don't have a penis every day. 


KAYLA: But don't you want to stand to pee? 


SARAH: Not worth it. 


KAYLA: Oh. I want to stand to pee. 


SARAH: Do they make vagina molds? It's a little harder


DALTON: yes


SARAH: Huh. Good


DALTON: I don't know how they –


KAYLA: How do they keep the vagina hard for 6 hours?


(laughter)


DALTON: I wouldn't have any experience in that


KAYLA: (laughing) That's fair. You're like "I don't know"


SARAH: Wow. Okay. 


KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah. 


SARAH: Okay here's a question that, again, you don't have to answer. 


DALTON: Honestly I need you to give me anything. Nothing is too much. 


(55:00) 


SARAH: I don't know what your porn watching habits were


DALTON: There we go


SARAH: Before this


(laughter)


KAYLA: (laughing) There we go. He says i've been waiting for this one


SARAH: But have they been impacted? I know you said the efficacy of porn is lower but 


(laughter)


DALTON: Supply and demand. Yeah I definitely watch it less now. 


KAYLA: Are you able to watch porn from your own studio or is it too much "ugh I know these people, these are my co-workers"


DALTON: It's not that I don't know them it's just as someone who's allo obviously there are people that I'm attracted to


SARAH: Can't relate


DALTON: And don't mind


KAYLA: (laughing) Don't mind


(laughter)


DALTON: You know what I mean! Goddammit


KAYLA: (laughing) I guess I don't mind him I don't know


SARAH: Like if we were the last two people on Earth 


KAYLA: I guess


SARAH: I guess I would have gay sex with him


DALTON: This is where I find out I'm very sexual. Like I don't mind, I don't really like it. No. There are people I like but it's more like I'm in the process, so seeing the finished product I can't enjoy it as if I was removed from it. Also I feel like it's very narcissistic if I was like "ooh yeah got to jerk off to my own porn"


KAYLA: That would be so – I will be honest that would be very bizarre. 


DALTON: Look at this hot scenario. Oh that's the other thing I should say this, because I know people are going to ask. I do not use my own fantasies in my writing. I'm too tired for that. 


KAYLA: (laughing) That's the reason


DALTON: I'm too tired


KAYLA: That's the reason, he's too tired


DALTON: And I want my fantasies to stay my fantasies, I don't need them to become reality


SARAH: You know what, that makes sense. 


KAYLA: There's some stuff you just have to keep for you and not for work


SARAH: It's better in your head. I like how you're bringing up all these things that we, as aspecs, don't even think to ask. 


KAYLA: We weren't even thinking about these things


DALTON: I can continue, I just don't know how long you want this podcast to be. 


SARAH: Who cares?


KAYLA: Years


DALTON: A millenia. I think that would be beautiful. Alright, I'll get some of the most asked questions out of the way. 


KAYLA: Yes. 


DALTON: Do I have sex with the porn stars? I do not kiss and tell. I think that's the only big question I can think of. There's definitely more. No because I get asked – obviously everyone gets very sexual because most of the people I meet are gay men at gay bars and stuff so they'll be like "oh my god isn't it hot" and no, it's not. I'm so sorry to shatter the fantasy. Making gay porn is not sexy, to me at least. I'm sure there is someone out there who loves making gay porn, and is very into it


SARAH: It's their passion


DALTON: As a pursuit. 


SARAH: I mean it's a job. Anything that's a job becomes a job. Even if you loved it to begin with. 


DALTON: Yeah


SARAH: Even if you love it in theory or in sometimes it's still a job


DALTON: I mean, we're selling a fantasy. I have to cater to a very specific audience and sometimes when I put too much character into it, it's like "well this won't really sell so I have to dial it back" so I have to sell to a very particular audience. Because like gay porn studios, each one has almost a designated brand within the gay community. Helix for example is if you want to go for young, college-aged twinks you go to Helix


SARAH: Mhm


DALTON: You go for like jocks and the boy next door type, you go to Next Door Studios, amazing


SARAH: Mhm


DALTON: Groundbreaking


SARAH: Crazy. 


DALTON: I guess there's others. We have Falcon studios, that's like one of the oldest gay porn studios out there, you go there for more masculine, muscular guys, I think. 


KAYLA: (laughing) I think


SARAH: I wouldn't know


DALTON: Why would you? If you knew, I would be shocked and impressed. There's like Peter Fever which is specifically for Asian men in gay porn because of course the one thing that you know about this industry is it's incredibly racist. What I will say is we have to kind of cater to audiences, and a lot of the time racism jumps out in the audience when it comes to porn. And that's all I can really say about that. 


SARAH: Yeah. Makes sense. 


KAYLA: Makes sense. That makes sense. 


DALTON: So that's why there's designated sites like Peter Fever so non-white performers have an actual chance of porn stardom and can actual get equal pay and everything. Not equal pay. Our studio, equal pay always. 


(1:00:00) 


KAYLA: Mm. 


DALTON: I need to very much put that out there. There's no discrimination at our studio, but you know. 


SARAH: Can't speak for everyone else


KAYLA: Yep. Uh huh. 


DALTON: I cannot speak for everyone else I have not been at any other studios, I'm sure some of them are lovely and some of them are not. 


KAYLA: Just like any other place


SARAH: (laughing) Weird. Crazy how that works. 


KAYLA: Who would have thought? 


SARAH: Is there anything that you, not like fantasies that you're too tired to write, but is there anything that you wish you could write, but you can't because it doesn't match the audience expectations? 


DALTON: Oh definitely. I can't think of specific examples right now, but I know tons of times I've pitched an idea and it's been shut down. A lot of time it is also due to budgeting constraints, and I can't do a comedy script because sometimes some of the models don't have great comedic timing


SARAH: Mhm


DALTON: And it's not their fault


SARAH: Yeah, it's not what they're trained for. 


DALTON: Exactly. They're not trained to be the best actors in the world. They're trained to fuck really good. 


SARAH: And that they do


DALTON: And they certainly do


(laughter)


KAYLA: And for that we love them


DALTON: They provide a service and I think it's a beautiful service and I support it


SARAH: (laughing) But it's boring when you're on set


DALTON: Listen, I'm so – I will not apologize, okay?


SARAH: And I don't think you should. 


DALTON: Thank you


KAYLA: Listen, everyone's job is boring most of the time. I feel like it's okay to say that


DALTON: Well I hope that the career I want in the future will not be boring most of the time because if it is, I might lose my mind. 


KAYLA: Yeah that's fair, I guess


DALTON: Sometimes when I write a script I'm not particularly interested in, I sit there. I have ADHD and I'm not medicated for it


KAYLA: Love


DALTON: (laughing) Well full prerequisites there, warning or whatever. Sometimes I'll just sit there at the computer screen like I can't do this right now


KAYLA: Yeah. What is your speed? Like how fast are your turnarounds? Like how many scripts are you writing a month? 


DALTON: Ooh. Let me take a look at my calendar, actually. 


KAYLA: Yeah, pull up that work calendar


SARAH: Receipts


DALTON: On the work calendar. So for this month, I will be writing one, two, three, four five –


KAYLA: That's a lot!


DALTON: six, like ten. 


KAYLA: That seems like a lot


SARAH: How long are they on average?


DALTON: 10, and on average at least 7-8 of them are 6 pages or less and I usually get one a month that's like 13 pages


KAYLA: Seems like a lot of writing. 


DALTON: So I'm doing a lot of writing. I also write the PR for our studio. So I do all the PR. 


KAYLA: Ooh. 


DALTON: And sometimes some of the descriptions – I do all the descriptions myself, actually. 


SARAH: (laughing) Yeah, the logline, if we're going to use more film terms


DALTON: The logline, no. It's not like a logline though it's just more like wow oh my god this star and this star is so hot, watch as they have amazing sex!


SARAH: They're going to fuck, and that's what you're paying for


DALTON: Exactly. 


KAYLA: I love that for you


DALTON: Thank you. Thank you so much. 


SARAH: The first time that you were on set, was it like a culture shock or were you just like "yeah this is what I expect"


DALTON: It was a lot of fun, actually. I had never even been on a film set before because even though I went to film school, I went to Berkeley. Shoutout to all my Bears who are listening


KAYLA: Yes


SARAH: The Berkeley kind? 


KAYLA: Yeah which kind? 


DALTON: Both of the kinds maybe, let's go. We all suffered the same way in college so. Berkeley really was hell. I don't remember what I was saying


SARAH: You didn't have a lot of set experience


DALTON: Thank you. Yeah I didn't have any set experience because there weren't a lot of production classes at Berkeley. So going on set was really cool, and it was also the first time I ever saw something that I wrote getting filmed


SARAH: Mm, yeah


DALTON: And getting brung? brought to life. I don't do words good. So it was really exciting. And it was also – which one was it? The one that I got to see for the first time, it was this script called "Love is Pain: the closeted bro", which is a series. Sometimes we write series


(1:05:00)


DALTON: So they're not just one offs and we have one called "love is pain" that's essentially Sex and the City


KAYLA: (laughing) Oh my god


DALTON: But it's about a gay porn star in LA trying to find love rather than –


KAYLA: Wait that's so funny


DALTON: Sarah Jessica Parker having sex in the city


SARAH: See when you said it's called "Love is Pain" I was like that's some BDSM shit, that's some kink shit. 


DALTON: No a lot of our viewers really don't like BDSM stuff actually


SARAH: Interesting


KAYLA: Huh. 


DALTON: But yeah. Although now I'm becoming what's her name? Sarah Jessica Parker because I'm becoming – I know on your little thing it says shout this out later, but I'm going to do it now. Breaking norms. 


SARAH: Do it


DALTON: I have a column that's going to be coming out soon on this place called CyberSocket that's literally just me talking about my life as a gay porn writer in Los Angeles. It's called Confessions of a Gay Porn Writer


KAYLA: Wait, I want to read it


DALTON: Well it's not out yet, but it's coming out biweekly. 


KAYLA: I will read it. It reminds me of the podcast. Isn't there a podcast like "my dad wrote porn" or something? 


DALTON AND SARAH: My dad wrote a porno. Yeah. 


KAYLA: Yeah. That's going to be your child someday. 


SARAH: Hm. 


DALTON: I don't know if I'm going to have a child specifically so they don't have to endure the pain, if I become very successful and out myself as Dalton King


KAYLA: That's fair. Maybe you'll have


DALTON: and they'll have to know


KAYLA: Maybe like a neice or nephew that'll be like "my uncle"


DALTON: I don't have a sibling


KAYLA: Alright, you know what? It'll be me then. It'll be "my friend that I know through Sarah"


DALTON: Yes!


KAYLA: Wrote a porno. My mutual friend wrote a porno. 


SARAH: What was the name that your friend suggested about–  between a cock and a hard place? 


DALTON: Oh, I wish I could use that so badly. 


KAYLA: Why can't you? What's stopping you?


DALTON: Because I brought it to the people at Cybersocket and they were like "well we don't really know what you're writing about then"


KAYLA: Oh that's – you should write a porn that's called that then at lesat. 


DALTON: I almost want to save it for something better than a porn though


KAYLA: For your memoir?


(laughter)


DALTON: Confessions of a Gay Porn Writer: Between a Cock and a hard place


KAYLA: Honestly


DALTON: by Dalton King


KAYLA: That would sell. 


DALTON: I'm sure it would


KAYLA: To me at least. I would buy it. 


DALTON: Well, I don't know. Maybe once you guys become wildly successful aufor - authors


KAYLA: Yeah


SARAH: Au-feurs


KAYLA: Auteurs


SARAH: Auteurs. I'm anti-auteur


DALTON: Listen, sometimes when I talk 


(laughter)


SARAH: I don't like auteurs


KAYLA: Wow, you tell them. 


DALTON: hot take. I agree. Because a lot of time auteurs are fucking full of themselves


SARAH: There's no one to kneecap them. There's no one to say "this fucking sucks"


DALTON: Yeah. They're like "oh my god I'm making beautiful art" and it's like no, no you're not Charlie Kaufman. I don't know why I chose him specifically I just didn't like his fast movie. 


KAYLA: Damn, call him out. 


DALTON: Who cares? One angry Charlie Kaufman listener is going to be like "I can't believe he would do this"


KAYLA: Never listening to this podcast again


DALTON: How the fuck dare he? This gay porn writer? This gay porn little bitch


(laughter)


KAYLA: Oh my god


SARAH: I'm going to be honest, I just had to look up who that was, so


DALTON: He made like Synecdoche or something


SARAH: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Being John Malkovich, all movies I've never seen. No I have seen at least part of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind


DALTON: He made this movie called I'm thinking of ending things, or something


SARAH: Yeah


DALTON: And it looked good and then it was really bad


SARAH: Oh


DALTON: And then people were like "no this is good" and I'm like well you're wrong


SARAH: Well you're wrong. 


DALTON: I just didn't like it. Also the main female character doesn't actually have a name. She's just referred to as a woman. 


SARAH: The only person who can do that is Phoebe Waller-Bridge


DALTON: So true. 


KAYLA: So true


SARAH: Anyway, this has been film corner


DALTON: Yeah


KAYLA: I hated it, thanks. 


SARAH: You're welcome. Any other final, pressing questions that you were asked constantly? Any statements you'd like to make?


DALTON: Any statements I'd like to make, ooh. That's a good thing. 


SARAH: As the PR representative of Next Door Studios


KAYLA: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah .


DALTON: Oh fuck right I am. Don't buy porn everyone. Go celibate. Put those dicks away. 


(laughter)


KAYLA: Put those dicks away


DALTON: Put them away. Get them out of sight. 


SARAH: That's how I feel about them. I don't want them in my sight. 


(1:10:00) 


DALTON: Yeah I'll say one thing. Please do not ever sent hate or judgment or anything toward any of the porn stars. A lot of them are very lovely people. And a lot of them have gone through a lot of hardship


SARAH: They're just doing their job


DALTON: to be able to fuck for your pleasure


KAYLA: True


DALTON: So the least you can do is be nice to them. And if you comment on their bodies online 


SARAH: Oh my god


DALTON: On the comments section, I will absolutely come to your house and fight you because that is fucked up! They are literally trying their best, and you do not own them. I get a little heated about this, but there are commenters that think because they're paying money to see these people they are allowed to dictate how they want these people to look. They are still humans. Please treat them as such. 


SARAH: You're just a rando with a keyboard. Like, come on. You're just a rando with a keyboard jerking off to this person doing wonderful work, and you're complaining about it?


DALTON: Literally. So that's what I say. Be nice to the porn stars. Be nice to OnlyFans stars they deserve it. 


KAYLA: True. I mean even if you don't like porn, and I can say this because I don't work in the porn industry, as not great as the porn industry is at some points


DALTON: I don't give a shit


KAYLA: We need to respect sex workers and people who work in the sex industry. Even if it's not for you and even if it's not great at times, these are people and that is their jobs, and it's a huge industry, and they should be making more money, and we got to respect it. 


DALTON: The people in front of the camera are the ones that get hurt the most in the industry, so I understand if people don't support it. I completely understand. It's definitely gotten better since the past because in the past it used to be a lot worse, obviously. So I understand not supporting it, but plesae don't be mad at the porn stars. They're doing good work. 


KAYLA: They're not the ones making any decisions about how porn is made


DALTON: no they're not


KAYLA: Or what the industry is like. They're just the people working. 


DALTON: Exactly. 


SARAH: They're just doing their jobs. 


KAYLA: So true


DALTON: Exactly


KAYLA: King comma Dalton


SARAH: comma screenwriter


KAYLA: Comma screenwriter comma boner maker


DALTON: Boner making hot, baby. Don't get it wrong


KAYLA: Boner making hot


SARAH: I would like to end on a billboard I saw in Los Angeles


KAYLA: Oh


SARAH: It just popped up just a few days ago


DALTON: Was it the coochie one? The coochie wax


SARAH: No. Oh no there was a waxing place that was just called Coochie


KAYLA: Cooch


SARAH: Or no Cooch it was called cooch


KAYLA: Oh yeah I did see the picture


SARAH: I passed by and I said "well, they're honest"


KAYLA: Everyone needs to know


SARAH: They're honest about what they do. No this is a billboard that says "Kazumi plesae notice me, P.S. your OnlyFans is the best"


KAYLA: Oh


SARAH: And then it has two photos of this girl and I wanted to know if the girl was Kazumi or this person was trying to get the attention of Kazumi with their face. I did see a couple things when I looked this up, but I found out that the girl is Kazumi. So they said "Kazumi please notice me, P.S. your OnlyFans is the best", but gave them no means of contacting them. 


KAYLA: You know that must be Kazumi who made that billboard, right? Like that is absolutely self promotion, right? 


SARAH: That would be good work


DALTON: I wouldn't put it past a man to do something like that though


KAYLA: Oh no that's true men are very stupid, derogatory


SARAH: Yeah


DALTON: And they do a lot, they'll put in a lot of stuff for OnlyFans people


KAYLA: Then I'm hoping that it was self promo, then. That is my hope. 


SARAH: It has the emoji that's just like the (groaning sound) nngh


KAYLA: Oh no


SARAH: I know you can't see me


KAYLA: The one that's always accompanied by like the squirting. 


SARAH: Well the other emoji is the water drops


KAYLA: Yeah


DALTON: Isn't it the one with the face that – the squirting


KAYLA: Listen it's always that face that's like (groaning sound) nngh


DALTON: I do, I've never heard it described with that noise


KAYLA: The squirting


SARAH: The squirting


(laughter)


KAYLA: Oh no


SARAH: On that note


KAYLA: Yeah anyway


SARAH: Dalton King DK, you already mentioned it, but tell us again the name of your upcoming...


DALTON: Oh, yes. I have an upcoming column, a biweekly column it's called "confessions of a gay porn writer". It's about my experiences being a gay porn writer in Los Angeles, so that's on cybersocket.com. I'll have a release date soon, so you can go check it out. I have an interview with them soon that you can read stuff that I talk about the gay porn. You already heard a lot of it, but there will be other stuff. 


SARAH: They'll probably know what questions to ask. 


KAYLA: (laughing) Yeah. 


DALTON: Oh my god I forgot to say one thing. 


(1:15:00) 


DALTON: Fuck


KAYLA: Say it, say it, say it


DALTON: Oh my god you might have to edit this. This is literally in the intro. There's a banned list of words that we can't write in our scripts and one of them is horse


KAYLA: Why?


DALTON: (laughing) You can't say the word horse


SARAH: You can't say horse?


DALTON: If you say horse or anything related to horse, the video will get – the banks and credit card companies will come for the site that posted it and say "you shut this down or we stop letting you see porn"


KAYLA: Why?


DALTON: Because the banks and credit card companies are trying to crack down on the sex work industry, and they are making the requirements for consenting work a lot higher than they used to be, or stronger, I think that's probably the word. Stronger. 


SARAH: More strict


DALTON: Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but some of the requirements are very confusing. So you know, you can't say the word horse.. 


SARAH: But what if you're a horse girl and you want to be like "I just came from horseback riding"


KAYLA: Wait so if you're not allowed to say anything like referring to horses either could you not talk about cowgirl or reverse cowgirl? Is that too close to horse?


DALTON: You can say cowboy and cowgirl. You can't say horse though. 


SARAH: What about pony?


DALTON: You can't say horse girl


SARAH: What about miniature pony?


DALTON: No


KAYLA: Is it because –


DALTON: That's like questionable. 


KAYLA: The only thing I can think of that's related is saying someone is hung like a horse. Like that's the only sexual thing about horses that I can even think of


SARAH: What about centaur?


(laughter)


KAYLA: That's only half horse


SARAH: Do centaurs have two dicks?


KAYLA: Don't do this. You’re not doing this to me. 


DALTON: No, we're not doing it. Also they don't. 


SARAH: No they don't have two dicks. Glad that's taken care of


DALTON: Where would the second one go?


KAYLA: It can't


SARAH: Yeah I don't know


KAYLA: Just out front. 


(laughter)


SARAH: Ew. My worst nightmare. 


DALTON: A disgusting image


KAYLA: Awful


DALTON: You can't say horse, there are some things that you can't say. A lot of them are good. You can't say teen, you can't say preteen


KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair. That's good. 


DALTON: I like that. 


KAYLA: That's great, actually


DALTON: I'm personally happy about that, but you can't say like coerced or furious – not furious, you can say furious. You can't say like brute force, attack, violent, you can't say like – god there's one that was really funny. I already forgot it. There's like a whole list of ones that are definitely off topic – you can't also make any references to beateality, anyone being drunk. Everyone has to be – in the video, you can't even have a character pretend to be drunk. They have to be stone-cold sober. 


KAYLA: I mean this all makes sense to me except for the horse. Like this all I see the reason, but where's the horse? 


DALTON: I got to find the word list, because some of them are so fucking funny. You can't say bro. You can't put bro in the title. 


KAYLA: But that's like your whole thing


DALTON: I know but like


SARAH: You can't just fuck your bros?


DALTON: You can't. 


KAYLA: You can't fuck your bros


DALTON: Okay we have this animated project that's supposed to come out at some point, I don't know the details of when it's coming out, but it was supposed to be called "fuck force" because it's an animated superhero parody


KAYLA: Oh my god


DALTON: I wrote all of it by the way


KAYLA: Hell yeah


DALTON: Well I wrote all the non-sex parts. Someone else wrote the sex parts. But it was supposed to be called "Fuck Force" it was great, it was beautiful. We can't use the name because the word force is not allowed. 


SARAH: (laughing) So fuck is fine, but force


DALTON: So you can't use fuck force, so we had to settle on Sodomy Squad, which is beautiful so alright


(laughter)


KAYLA: Honestly that's very good though, that's very good


SARAH: Slightly different vibes but also excellent


DALTON: Yeah. But like we couldn't do "chillin' with your bro" or something, but you can't do that because bro in the title, they might be like "oh that's referring to your actual real, blood"


KAYLA: Oh


DALTON: "blood like brother" and it's like well obviously in this it's not, and it's like no it doesn't matter. 


KAYLA: Kay. 


DALTON: I think the implication behind banning horse is they don't want any reference at all to beasteality


KAYLA: Okay


DALTON: And they're just banning animals


(laughter)


KAYLA: I guess that's fair


SARAH: (laughing) What about turtle, huh?


DALTON: You know I haven't tried it. I'm not going to try to ask


SARAH: What about rhinoceros? 


(laughter)


DALTON: My next porno is just some guy reading out a list of words


(laughter)


KAYLA: Mm, sexy


SARAH: Reading the dictionary


(1:20:00) 


SARAH: And then someone comes in and is like "hey want to fuck my non-sibling"


KAYLA: My non-blood related bro


DALTON: That's the other thing. I don't know how much you want to get into this because I personally don't love it, but with all of the taboo stuff, there's a huge market for it, like the step-family stuff, but – you wouldn't know because why would you – but to make sure that can receive money you have to make sure to reference the characters are step-brothers or step-whatevers at least 3 times before any sex happens


SARAH: Before the sex happens? 


DALTON: Do less than that, it gets canceled


KAYLA: That's so specific


DALTON: If you do two at the beginning and one afterwards, can't do that


KAYLA: That's so specific


DALTON: At least 3 times before. you have to make reference to it constantly


SARAH: So you walk in and you're like "hey my step-brother Joseph, how are you doing step brother Joseph"


DALTON: It's funny because it's literally the opposite of what they taught us to do at film school


SARAH: Yeah. Exposition


DALTON: Like walks in a room like "hey sis we haven't seen each other in 5 years since our mom dies" but no I have to be like "hey step-brother, our parents are out of town this weekend, what do we do?"


(laughter)


KAYLA: Oh my god


DALTON: So, you know


KAYLA: The more you know. 


DALTON: Yeah. Oh, I was going to say. To go back to – ADHD brain – to go back to the outro, any viewers if you have questions for me or anything of the sort, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonKingxxx


KAYLA: Yes


SARAH: I didn't know you had a porn Twitter


KAYLA: Yeah I didn't know that


DALTON: I don't really advertise it too much because you know, it's porn


SARAH: Yeah


DALTON: And I don't really Tweet on it that much but all of what I like and what I retweet is porn related, and so if you are not a gay man who does not want to look at


SARAH: Or if you are a minor


KAYLA: Mm


DALTON: That too


KAYLA: Do not


DALTON: I hope no minors are listening to this – well, I don't know


KAYLA: Well they definitely are


SARAH: There are definitely minors listening to this


DALTON: Okay


SARAH: But minors, this is not for you


KAYLA: Sorry. Not for you


DALTON: Yes minors you can't go on my Twitter, it is age restricted. For good reason. But yes. My Twitter is DaltonKingXXX, and feel free to send me a message. I could probably answer some questions or whatnot, I don't know. Here to talk to the public about whatever they want porn-wise


KAYLA: Yes


SARAH: Wonderful. Alright. Well yeah. So hit up @DaltonKingXXX on Twitter. Kayla, what's our poll for this week? Is it just questions? 


KAYLA: Yeah if you have any questions for Dalton King you can ask us on our Instagram and then we'll ask Dalton and then he'll answer. Q & A time


DALTON: Hell yeah


KAYLA: Q&A with Dalton King


SARAH: Great. Kayla. 


KAYLA: Mm


SARAH: What's your beef and your juice this week? 


KAYLA: My beef is that I'm doing this right now. And it's not that I don't love – no, non-derogatory. I love this episode we just recorded, and it was a lot of fun, but I am on a work trip right now, and it is midnight o five, and I was doing work events all day. I'm so tired. I did girlboss too close to this.


SARAH: You girlbossed too close to this son. Because we're on zoom for this recording, there were some times when I looked at Kayla and


KAYLA: Nothing behind those eyes


SARAH: There's nothing there


KAYLA: There's nothing in there. I think I did a good job though, to be honest


SARAH: You did


DALTON: You did. 


SARAH: If there's anything the two hosts of Sounds Fake but Okay are good at


KAYLA: Masking


SARAH: It's masking. 


KAYLA: It's masking when recording


DALTON: Wooh, spicy


SARAH: Anyway. 


KAYLA: Anyway


SARAH: What's your juice? 


KAYLA: My juice is that we, me and Dean my boyfriend


SARAH: Step Dean


KAYLA: Step Dean made plans to have no plans on Saturday 


DALTON: That's nice


KAYLA: And I have been so overwhelmed lately that when he said that I did almost cry because it sounded so nice to not have plans. So I'm just very excited for a day of no plans


SARAH: That's great. 


KAYLA: So things are going really well over here if you couldn't tell. 


DALTON: Verge. Woman on a verge


(1:25:00) 


KAYLA: (laughing) Me. Woman on a verge. Me at all times. 


(laughter)


SARAH: My beef is that someone is taking 2 hours every day and I don't know where they're putting it


KAYLA: Ah, we did talk about this earlier


SARAH: I don't have enough. Where are the hours going? Who's hoarding them and can I have them back? My juice is... I didn't think this far ahead


KAYLA: Mm


SARAH: My juice is the concept of cookies, you know? I think they can be nice


DALTON: (laughing) I think that's beautiful


KAYLA: Hot take


SARAH: DK, what's your beef and your juice this week? 


DALTON: My beef, kind of the same as yours. Where are the hours? I want....


SARAH: It's homophobic, it's aphobic


DALTON: yes! I don't have the time to work on my own scripts anymore. I want that back


SARAH: Mood


DALTON: I don't want to be a porn writer forever, I'm sorry to all my co-workers but I can't imagine doing this for 50 eyars. God. I'm 25 by the way just for everyone out there. 


KAYLA: Me too. Sarah's a baby


SARAH: Hey, I got one week. 


KAYLA: Baby


DALTON: I always expect people when they think of a porn writer to think of someone gross


KAYLA: Yeah


SARAH: Mhm


DALTON: And as you both can tell, hopefully

KAYLA: He is not gross


SARAH: I don't associate with gross people. 


DALTON: Exactly


KAYLA: Sarah doesn't have gross friends except for herself


SARAH: So true


KAYLA: Got him


SARAH: Got him. 


DALTON: Being friends with yourself? Couldn't be me


(laughter)


SARAH: Rip


DALTON: So that is my beef is that I can't work on my own stuff


SARAH: What's your juice? 


DALTON: My juice was being on this podcast!


KAYLA: Aw


SARAH: That's so romantic. 


DALTON: I know


KAYLA: I have a new juice


SARAH: What?


KAYLA: I just learned that if you type in Velma on google


DALTON: Oh it's gay! it's gay!


KAYLA: That gay pride flags rain down from the top of Google because she's gay in the new movie. 


SARAH: I love that


DALTON: Velma being gay in the new movie is absolutely the best thing ever. It's beautiful


KAYLA: Look Sarah it's raining gay


SARAH: Oh my god. It's raining inclusive gay


KAYLA: Yeah it's the lesbian


SARAH: Her last name is Dinkley?


(laughter)


DALTON: Yeah, keep up


KAYLA: Yeah, idiot. 


(laughter)


SARAH: I don't think I've ever seen a scoopy scoop scoop movie. 


KAYLA: Anyway.  Velma is gay now. Well she's always been gay


SARAH: She's always been gay


KAYLA: But you know. 


SARAH: Great. 


KAYLA: Moving on


SARAH: You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your questions about porn, your – no. On our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. It is not an OnlyFans. It is the farthest thing from an OnlyFans


DALTON: Anti-Only Fans


SARAH: Our $5 patrons who are promoting something this week – sorry to you guys that you had to get this week of all weeks. Adam Klager, Alex Istar, Amanda Kyker, and Ariel Laxo. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are


(long pause)


(Dalton laughing)


SARAH: Are David Nurse who would like to promote... David you never told us what you wanted to promote other than the thing about your sweater on the London Underground. Anyway so David would like to promote just finding a sweater on the London Underground. Derek and Carissa who would like to promote thr overthrow of heteronormativity and they do so in support of Melody the hamster who is schemine to do just that, CinnamonToastPunch who would like to promote rainy days with friends and splashing in puddles and eating an entire box of cinnamon toast punch within 24 hours that you impulse bought at the gast station, and my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher's Haven.  Our other $10 patrons are Maggie Capalbo, Martin Chiesl, Mattie, Potater, Purple Hayes, Rosie Costello, Barefoot Backpacker, The Steve, Zirklteo


DALTON: Rosie Costello!


SARAH: Arcnes, Ari. K, Benjamin Ybarra, Changeling and Alex the ace cat, and David Jay. Our $15 patrons are  Andrew Hillum who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline who would like to promote Ace of Hearts – I just scrolled. Dia Chappell who would like to promote Twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person


DALTON: are–


KAYLA: It's normal don't worry


DALTON: Okay.


SARAH: This is just what happens. Keziah Root who would like to promote people who come into your life for a small time but when you need them, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla's Aunt Nina who would like to promote @katemaggart.art, and Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere. Our $20 patrons are Sabrina Hauck who would like to promote Merry Christmas Sabrina from your parents, and Dragonfly who would like to promote Dalton King, screenwriter, boner making hot


DALTON: yeah!


SARAH: Again you can find our guy DK at DaltonKingxxx and then soon he will have a column and that will be fun. Any parting words?


DALTON: Buy their book!


KAYLA: Yeah!


DALTON: Buy their book


SARAH: So true. So true. Well thank you so much for joining us DK, not Donkey Kong


DALTON: Thank you for having me. 


SARAH: Yes.


DALTON: Mm


SARAH: Thank you everyone for listening if you've gotten this far, god bless your soul. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. 


KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows


SARAH: Can you say cows in porn?


DALTON: Questionable


SARAH: Questionable. Alright. So take good care of your...


KAYLA: You know


SARAH: Tortoises


(laughter) 


SARAH: You know


(1:30:57)