Hey what's up hello! As we all know, you can choose your sexuality! So this week, we tell you why you should choose to convert to asexuality and/or aromanticism. **This is all sarcastic pls don't come for us**
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/the-perks-of-asexuality-and-aromanticism
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! As we all know, you can choose your sexuality! So this week, we tell you why you should choose to convert to asexuality and/or aromanticism. **This is all sarcastic pls don't come for us**
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/the-perks-of-asexuality-and-aromanticism
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
(0:00)
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: selling asexuality and aromanticism.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Mmmmm….
SARAH: M’arjorie Taylor Greene is a bag of steaming hot trash with a blonde wig on.
KAYLA: I don’t know who that is.
SARAH: Marjorie Taylor Greene is that bitchass Congresswoman.
KAYLA: There’s a lot—you’re going to have to be more specific.
SARAH: She’s like, the, bitchass Congresswoman.
KAYLA: I would have to see her. I don’t know.
SARAH: Like, QAnon has told the Parkland kids to their face—she has said some very horrible things on video and people were aware of that before she got elected and she still got elected. She followed whatshisface around—she followed him around the streets, harassing him, one of the Parkland survivors.
KAYLA: Good, good. Good good good.
SARAH: Anyway, hi. Do we have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: *hums*
SARAH: I’m going to take that as a no. Alright? Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we’re going to make a grand attempt to sell you on converting to asexuality and/or aromanticism. And this is in no way problematic at all.
SARAH: No. Because listen, here’s the disclaimer, guys. Obviously, sexuality, romantic orientation, it’s not a choice, right? It’s not a choice in the way that other things in life are choices. We know this. But, some people seem to think it’s a choice so, I mean, if they’re going to go there, we might as well sell them on it, right?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: And that’s what we’re doing today.
KAYLA: Yeah, if they think it’s a choice then they are just giving us the chance—
SARAH: They’re giving us fodder for a wonderful episode.
KAYLA: If that’s the way they’re going to think then we can go ahead and try to convert them.
SARAH: Yeah. I’m going to convert them to asexuality.
KAYLA: I’m just thinking, what am I going to title this fucking episode?
SARAH: I don’t know.
KAYLA: What am I doing? What am I going to—because sometimes I try to title them in a way that would grab people that don’t always listen to the podcast you know, like your random passerby, you know I think we should try to appeal to more than just our cult following but this one I’d like to say I’ll take suggestions but it’ll be too late.
SARAH: It’ll be too late. Yeah, I don’t know, you’ll find out. Our listeners already know.
KAYLA: Must be nice, huh? To already know.
SARAH: Must be nice. I came up with this concept a while ago and I sent Kayla exactly one example and then I tried to find it last night and I could not find it. I was so upset. The iMessage search function is garbage.
KAYLA: It really is and it has no right to be as bad as it is. I’m sure it can’t be hard to make it good. I say, saying nothing about programming.
SARAH: I knew certain words must have been mentioned and when I put them into the iMessage search function it was like, yeah you didn’t say that 2 weeks ago, but you know when you did say that? 2019. And I was like, thank you, thank you for this. So I wrote a couple last night. Kayla as usual, wrote nothing.
KAYLA: The thing is, I haven’t even also thought about it.
SARAH: We sat down to do this and she was like, wait what are we doing?
KAYLA: I knew we were recording today, I didn’t feel like looking at the document that would have told me what we were talking about. I just didn’t feel like it.
(5:00)
SARAH: Good podcasting.
KAYLA: Thank you. And I wonder why more people don’t listen. So I just chose this way. I’d love for you to go first so that I can get an idea of what the tone should be.
SARAH: Mmkay. Well, my first one is just a hard swing so, are you ready?
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Kayla, have you ever wanted to be free of that pesky, unholy attraction than boy howdy do I have the orientation for you?
KAYLA: Unholy, she says, she says I’m unholy.
SARAH: Well, I feel like that’s what a lot of the people who claim that this is a choice, are thinking.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: So we might as well say, hey. You wanna be free of that unholy attraction? This is my infomercial for asexuality.
KAYLA: I love that. Now I’m coming out with several. Let me get some paper out.
SARAH: Oh, she’s going to write them down.
KAYLA: Kay.
SARAH: Okay go.
KAYLA: Hey. We all hate men, right? Like that’s a common thing to say, is just “I hate men.” So if you’re someone who is romantically or sexually attracted to men, but you hate men, you might be thinking, I would not like to be attracted to them but I can’t quite imagine being attracted to anyone that’s not a man. Let me introduce you to being attracted to no one.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Yeah that’s good. I think that’s a good approach, I think it’s a nice way to sell.
KAYLA: Yeah, if you hate the people you’re attracted to but can’t imagine it being any other way, just compromise and don’t have any.
SARAH: Compromise with nothing.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: My next one, it’s a well-known fact that aspecs can’t owe money.
KAYLA: It’s not a well-known fact and it’s something that you said two episodes ago that related to nothing that no one is going to understand.
SARAH: It’s a well-known fact that aspecs can’t owe money.
KAYLA: You can’t just speak something into cultural existence.
SARAH: It’s a well-known fact that aspecs can’t owe money. So becoming aspec is immediate debt relief. Is Biden still Biden his time on that student loan forgiveness?
KAYLA: Shut the fuck up.
SARAH: Get ahead of the curve by converting to asexuality? Kayla’s going to quit the podcast.
KAYLA: Did you come up with that?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I can’t decide if that makes me—
SARAH: I mean it’s possible that I heard it somewhere at some point. But—
KAYLA: I can’t decide if I wanted you to have made it up or to have stolen it from somewhere else. I think I don’t like that you came up with it. I think I’m very disappointed.
SARAH: Well, you’re welcome for this content.
KAYLA: I’m thinking.
SARAH: I thought you wrote stuff down.
KAYLA: I wrote one down but now I’m realizing it’s not entirely accurate.
SARAH: Well, this podcast is known for its accuracy.
KAYLA: I guess. Hey, are you worried about overpopulation? Are you?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Kay great. If you today give me $19.99 you could convert to asexuality and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t wanna have sex and be a breeder but it makes it slightly more likely, probably I don’t actually but I actually don’t know the math on that.
SARAH: Slightly more likely that you’ll want to be a breeder.
KAYLA: Slightly less likely!
SARAH: Good, good work.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: So, Kayla, did you know—you’re familiar with the Old Testament and the New Testament, right?
KAYLA: Vaguely.
SARAH: Did you know that there is a third part of the Bible?
KAYLA: Ohh.
SARAH: And it’s actually just the backlog of AVEN forums just printed out. Here you can have it for free. It’s even printed on recycled paper, I have a copy here for you, feel free to take it and peruse at your own measure.
KAYLA: But is it going to be in the drawer of every hotel nightstand?
SARAH: That’s the goal. The goal is to get there.
KAYLA: I forget where I was but I did in a hotel—maybe it was when I was driving down here when we stopped in Memphis or something—there was a hotel, in the thing was not only the Bible but also the Book of Mormon. And I was surprised cause I had only ever seen the Bible.
(10:00)
SARAH: That’s common.
KAYLA: Both?
SARAH: Yeah. I feel like it’s pretty common.
KAYLA: I’ve only ever seen the Bible.
SARAH: Yeah for those of you who are not American and who have no idea what the fuck we’re talking about, we’re talking about Mormonism. In Mormonism, they believe there’s a third part of the Bible, it’s called Book of Mormon. But also more importantly what we’re talking about is how hotels in the United States there’s always a Bible in the nightstand which I feel like we don’t talk about enough.
SARAH: How many Bibles per hotel? At least one per room.
KAYLA: I think we don’t talk enough about why that’s happening.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because it’s weird for a country that doesn’t have a national religion supposedly.
SARAH: Give me the Torah, give me the Quran, or the Vedas.
KAYLA: Or like, nothing, I think, will also be fine.
SARAH: Give me something written by Karl Marx.
KAYLA: I just feel like if you’re someone who would use a hotel Bible, you’re probably also the person who brought your own Bible you know?
SARAH: That’s fair.
KAYLA: It feels like a waste of paper? Of Bibles?
SARAH: Or maybe if you’re in a really shitty motel and you’re reconsidering your life, the Bible might be helpful to you.
KAYLA: Yeah but at this point, there’s Bible App.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: Well that’s why you need the third part of the Bible, which is the entire backlog of the AVEN forums, printed out on recycled paper.
KAYLA: Interesting. Hey!
SARAH: Yeah?
KAYLA: Have you ever wanted to be invisible?
SARAH: Sure.
KAYLA: Okay well I actually can’t do that physically. But I can get you as close as you can get—you can become an identity that no one thinks exists and isn’t represented anywhere. So, virtually you will become spiritually invisible rather than physically invisible. So, do you want that?
SARAH: Wow, I want that so badly. Also you said invisicle, I would like to point that out.
KAYLA: Yeah I would just like to not talk about it but okay.
SARAH: No we had to.
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: No that sounds fun I would love to be invisible and underrepresented.
KAYLA: Spiritually.
SARAH: Yeah, spiritually.
KAYLA: Physically you’ll definitely be seen and perceived for sure.
SARAH: Unfortunately you’ll still have a human form. Sorry, can’t fix that.
KAYLA: You’ll still be in your flesh prison.
SARAH: Kayla did you know there’s actually a fourth part of the Bible?
KAYLA: That’s just shocking news to me.
SARAH: It’s Ace by Angela Chen.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: You have to buy it yourself because in this house we support ace authors and like I’m really sorry to put such a crucial part of the cult, the religion of asexuality, whatever you want to call it, I’m sorry to put such a crucial part behind a paywall but what is organized religion if not for collecting indulgences?
KAYLA: We’re definitely going to insult someone today, huh? Someone’s going to be upset.
SARAH: I respect your right to practice, whatever religion you want to practice. What we’re pointing out, is the absurdity of comparing of treating orientation as though it is a choice the same way something like religion is a choice.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: That’s all I’m saying. And as someone who was raised Catholic, Christianity is so fucked up.
KAYLA: You’re going to insult someone—I think you should stop. I know for a fact we have practicing religious people that listen to this podcast.
SARAH: Yeah and I know for a fact there are practicing religious people who also think that the religion that they practice that the organized body of it fucked up and does horrible things.
KAYLA: Yeah I mean I hope they think that because it is true. Alright.
SARAH: I think anyone who listens to this podcast who is religious is aware of the dichotomy that exists there and they can use their brain and understand that we are not mocking their religion or spirituality but we’re poking fun at—
KAYLA: The white men who control it.
SARAH: Yes.
(15:00)
KAYLA: Okay good, no one yell at us. Have you found that you are very unproductive because you keep having wandering thoughts to either the nasty or I guess softcore nasty, which would be the mushy, the romance? Are you very unproductive at work or in school because you keep having nasty lil mushy lil thoughts in your lil rat brain?
SARAH: Not for that reason but I’ve heard that many people are.
KAYLA: If your little rat brain is being overrun by the nasty and you can’t get anything done, if you convert to aromanticism and/or asexuality, maybe probably less.
SARAH: My rat poison brain is distracted for other reasons. I would also note that—I knew what I was going to say but I forgot what I was going to say, but I started saying the beginning of the sentence of what I was going to say in hopes of I was going to remember what I going to say.
KAYLA: You do it every time.
SARAH: I had the thought, I had the beginning of the sentence, I forgot the end of the sentence, I said the beginning of the sentence. It wasn’t just like I started speaking, hoping it’ll come back to me, I literally said the beginning of the sentence I was going to say.
KAYLA: No, I got that.
SARAH: You said thoughts. Mushy?
KAYLA: Sticky?
SARAH: I don’t know. I lost it. So, there’s this really cool thing about being aspec. It’s that there is a special aspec afterlife for aspect people and there is unlimited cake there.
KAYLA: Really? That sounds pretty nice.
SARAH: Yeah as much cake as you could possibly want. They have every variety. You’ll never get full, you’ll never get sick, you can just eat cake. And it’s sustainably made. No slave labor just to point that out.
KAYLA: Good. Free-range cake.
SARAH: Free-range cake. Unpasteurized, grass-fed cake.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: Now I’m thinking about how the other day I referred to a frozen waffle as free-range, unpasteurized grass-fed raw waffle. It was a frozen Eggo waffle and I referred to it as such.
KAYLA: Let’s see. Do you like yelling on the Internet?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: I need you to say yes.
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Okay Great, that’s great to hear. If you like yelling on the Internet, being asexual and/aromantic gives you lots of great opportunities to get into fights with people on Twitter and Instagram. So, if you want an excuse—I mean you could always do it, but sometimes it’s like, I don’t have a good excuse to yell at someone on the Internet today. So if you’d like a good reason, you can convert to being aspec or arospec and then you can have a good reason.
SARAH: Fight without guilt.
KAYLA: You can take yourself right down to the videos I’ve been posting on Instagram and for some reason, that is where the people who hate demisexuality live is in our Instagram reels.
SARAH: That’s usually how I’ve found out that you’ve posted an Instagram reel is I get notified about hate comments.
KAYLA: You know what’s crazy though is that the most recent reel has 130,000 views.
SARAH: Your face is famous.
KAYLA: And so many people being rude.
SARAH: I love that.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Fun. It’s yelling on the Internet with a cause.
KAYLA: Have a cause.
SARAH: For a cause. Okay. So here’s the thing about asexuality, I don’t think I need to sell you on why you should join. I think all I need to sell you on is how easy it is to join. Joining is easy. All you have to do is drink the Kool-Aid. Literally I have a Kool-Aid Burst here do you want it? Careful not to squeeze it too hard cause it will explode in your face.
KAYLA: Is Kool-Aid Burst the little plastic one that you rip it off the top.
(20:00)
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Oh my god I want one so bad.
SARAH: I have one for you if you want to join.
KAYLA: It hurts in a very real way. I love those.
SARAH: Childhood, delicious.
KAYLA: That and the push pops. You know what I’m talking about? The ice cream thing?
SARAH: I didn’t eat a lot of push pops.
KAYLA: Oh my god, I loved the Flinstones Push Pop.
SARAH: I liked a good, the one brand is called Flavor Ice, some people call them Ice Pop, some people call them—you know what I’m talking about?
KAYLA: Otter Pop?
SARAH: Yeah. Everyone has a different name for them.
KAYLA: Have you seen this before? You’ve seen me do this. One time I was having a game night or playing D&D, and I sat myself down with my 10 Otter Pops or whatever kids call them and everyone was shocked at me just going about my business and I was like, no this is just how it is.
SARAH: That’s so much sugar.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. What’s your next selling point?
KAYLA: Oh shit. I would also like to sell you on how easy it is. If you are a very lazy person but by nature of your attraction you constantly feel the urge to participate in sex or romantic activities because you keep getting attracted to people, now I can’t take away if you have a high libido but what I can take away is that specific attraction to specific people which might lessen and how much and how often you’re doing these activities perhaps.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So then you might have more opportunity to sit on couch if you don’t constantly feel the urge to sex or romance specific people and then you just have a chill time. That one’s not guaranteed but I think it might help.
SARAH: It could alleviate some of the symptoms of being allo.
KAYLA: Yeah, yes.
SARAH: Yes. Okay, great. Kayla do you dislike the aesthetic of your nation’s flag?
KAYLA: I dislike the aesthetic of my nation. So, yes.
SARAH: Me too. Do you prefer the color purple?
KAYLA: I actually do.
SARAH: How about green?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Then boy howdy do I have the flags for you.
KAYLA: Oh boy.
SARAH: They are the flags for asexuality, aromanticism, demisexualty. They’re better than your nation’s flag. Well, depends on what nation you’re from.
KAYLA: Certainly better than the US flag.
SARAH: Yeah. And you can hang them from your wall, you can hang them on the porch, put it on the side of your lil Black Lives Matter thing—
KAYLA: Have I told you all—I’ve told Sarah about this—I’d like to tell you all about a porch that I sometimes drive past in my city. It is a house and a porch that has maybe five flags. I’ll tell you each one. There is a Trump flag boo, there’s also an American flag, ehh kind of racist vibes, there’s also a gay pride flag but not any gay pride flag, the one also with the trans and the colors and the black and the brown stripes, there is also a—what else was there—there was also a Black Lives Matter flag. These are all on the same one house. The first time I saw this house I did a comic book double take and said “huh?” out loud. I was driving by myself, saw it, did an actual double-take in my head out loud in my head to myself, said “huh” because I was so very confused.
SARAH: Yeah, that’s wild.
KAYLA: This has nothing to do with anything, it’s just like, who is living there and how are they coexisting? Do they just like flags?
SARAH: Maybe they stole that Trump flag from someone and they’re keeping it from a Trumper I don’t know.
KAYLA: I feel like they didn’t make the point they wanted to if that’s the case.
(25:00)
SARAH: I’m at the point in life now, for those of you that aren’t American, it is very very very common to hang American flags anywhere and everywhere.
KAYLA: Just all over.
SARAH: We had one that was hanging from my porch growing up. It was a very normal thing to do. You don’t realize how often it is and you go to another country and you’re like, “I’ve been here for 3 months and I just saw my first German flag.”
KAYLA: It’s bizarre.
SARAH: A car dealership will have 10-25 American flags outside.
KAYLA: It’s—
SARAH: Standard. Anyway, where was I going with this? At this point in life, anyone who is displaying just American flags, no other identifiers, is sus.
KAYLA: Yeah I said that to someone recently who does not lean as left as I do and is probably a strong centerist—
SARAH: Centrist is the word you’re looking for.
KAYLA: Whatever. And I said that and I realized quickly that that was not a sentiment that everyone held nowadays. They were like, “what that’s a stupid thing to think,” and I was like, never mind, keep that one to myself. But it’s still true.
SARAH: Kayla what’s our next selling point.
KAYLA: Can I add one more thing about the American flag?
SARAH: Sure.
KAYLA: My dear, dear, grandparents for Christmas wanted to give my sister’s fiance and my boyfriend gifts also which was very very sweet of them, so they got them shirts. So they got Dean a weird coding shirt that—like a graphic tee about programming. Nothing good—they don’t listen hopefully, it’s fine.
SARAH: Thoughtful. Well-intentioned.
KAYLA: Very thoughtful, but reminds me of something middle-schoolers wear, a good workout shirt. But they got my sister’s fiance this very graphic, you know the kind of blankets with wolves on them, but not that but the style of that but a shirt it was just like a bald eagle and a flag just covering the entire shirt.
SARAH: I can picture it.
KAYLA: They did it, you know, out of niceness not realizing what that means but they’re also very progressive people so they didn’t mean—but I was just like, he can’t wear that.
SARAH: America. Bald eagle.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don’t—He hunts and stuff, it’s something you could wear hunting and it would blend in with hunting men.
SARAH: No one would blink an eye.
KAYLA: But I was like, you can’t just like wear that.
SARAH: Yeah people will make certain assumptions about you if you wear something like that.
KAYLA: In the town that we’re from, because people wear that shit from my hometown all the time.
SARAH: And if you don’t know what we’re talking about, don’t worry about it.
KAYLA: You don’t want to know how much America loves the flag.
SARAH: In a disarming, concerning way.
KAYLA: In a way is as of a cult.
SARAH: You can’t let the flag touch the ground. Legally, you are allowed to burn the flag but if you burn the flag, people will be so pissed at you.
KAYLA: The thing is you’re not supposed to wear it—
SARAH: You’re not supposed to wear it, no.
KAYLA: But people do and that’s fine but then get mad when other things happen to it.
SARAH: They get mad when it touches the ground and it’s like, you’re wearing American flag printed underwear.
KAYLA: Yeah it doesn’t make much sense.
SARAH: You’re supposed to dispose of it in a certain way.
KAYLA: It’s literally a piece of paper.
SARAH: There’s a special way to fold it. I don’t know if other countries treat their flags the same way but it’s just.
KAYLA: If a soldier dies you wrap them in it.
SARAH: I think other countries, do other countries do that?
KAYLA: I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to be—I would want to be wrapped in something a lot cooler personally.
SARAH: I would want to be wrapped in a Black Lives Matter flag.
KAYLA: I would like a blanket.
SARAH: Just a nice blanket?
KAYLA: I’m probably cold, you know?
(30:00)
SARAH: Yeah it’s probably cold in there. Unless you are being cremated in which case you’re pretty warm.
KAYLA: When then I would want—
SARAH: Like a little drink umbrella?
KAYLA: Uh-huh. Or like a lil ice pack.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay, anyway, Kayla, how else can we sell asexuality?
KAYLA: Oh god, what else is there to say? This is bad. Is Valentine’s Day coming up and you don’t have a date and you feel sad and embarrassed about it? And you don’t want to tell people that you just don’t have a partner because you don’t have one then they’ll think no one likes you? Instead, just say that you’re aromantic and you don’t wanna. And then they’ll have a whole bunch of other questions, but they won’t think that no one wants to date you because, in fact, you’re the one who doesn’t want to date other people.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that’s a good one.
KAYLA: It’s not.
SARAH: Another reason to join asexuality and aromanticism is, okay, Kayla, would you like to realize, say 12-60 years into your life, give or take, that the way you exist and you experience the world and totally different—and supposedly wrong—compared to the social norm?
KAYLA: I mean honestly no, that doesn’t sound fun.
SARAH: Well, then maybe this isn’t the product for you, but it will happen to you if you're aspec. If you would like to say fuck the system, if you’re a real grunge hippie—grunge and hippie are very different—but same vibes about them though.
KAYLA: Fuck the man!
SARAH: If you would really like to embrace that then being aspec is the way to go because everyone around you will tell you that the way you’re living is wrong and unfulfilling and that you should really change and try and be more like everyone around you and you can say no, fuck you.
KAYLA: Yeah. Would you like to appeal to the ideals of it was either the second or third wave of feminism?
SARAH: Sure.
KAYLA: I forget which ones. There were these ladies who were like, being feminist is saying porn is terrible and we should all stop being sexy because it’s only for men. If you for some reason love that idea and want your sexuality to probably be something that those people would like but not for a good reason and they probably wouldn’t support you or help you, they would just tokenize you probably, if you would be like to be part of that movement, then do I have the sexuality for you.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Yeah, good. Do you want to be the coolest kid on the block?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Join the asexuality club. We meet on Thursdays right after school until 3.30.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: That’s just where the cool kids hang out.
KAYLA: Do you wanna not be straight?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But you can’t imagine not being attracted to not the opposite gender?
SARAH: Sounds like you’re already aspec.
KAYLA: Congrats, you did it.
SARAH: You’ve done it, you’ve made it. You’ve crossed the finish line.
KAYLA: You can’t force yourself to be gay or bi or pan but you can force yourself to be ace.
SARAH: Why? Cause we said so.
KAYLA: We said so, welcome to our club.
SARAH: Would you like to wear jewelry that are made of things that are the color black?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: If so, become aspec. Did you know that non-aspecs are not allowed to wear black jewelry?
KAYLA: I can’t imagine that it’s true.
SARAH: It’s not. However, if you would like to wear more jewelry, specifically on your middle finger of your hand so that when you flip people off it can have some decoration on it, asexuality is for you.
KAYLA: I had one. Do you want to be a child forever?
SARAH: Yeah, I don’t want to have the responsibilities of adulthood.
KAYLA: Cool. This won’t make you a child forever, but it will make some really shitty people treat you like you’re a child. Which is, if I check my notes, maybe the same thing.
KAYLA: Come! Join us.
SARAH: Come find out. Oh man.
KAYLA: This is a bad one.
SARAH: Let’s each do one more.
KAYLA: This is a bad episode.
SARAH: Remember how we were going to have this episode after the Cameron Esposito Queery episode came out and we were like nooo we can’t do that.
KAYLA: We were not like we cannot do that, I was like we cannot do that.
SARAH: Yeah and then I agreed with you.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Content. Have you ever wanted to become a part of a really nice, wholesome, kind, supportive community that will support you in all of your life choices as long as you’re not hurting yourself and just allows you to be who you are without being apologetic about it?
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Then boy howdy. I would suggest, hopping on over, there’s an umbrella over there and if you hop under it it’s a good time.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: I ruined that very nice thing I said by being like, “get under an umbrella.”
KAYLA: Now I have to do a wholesome one.
SARAH: You don’t have to.
KAYLA: I do.
SARAH: Okay. You could say literally what I just said and not undercut it with an umbrella.
KAYLA: I can’t remember exactly what you said, word for word.
SARAH: You remember the sentiment I’m sure.
KAYLA: Yeah. Would you like to be part of history?
SARAH: History huh? Bet we could make some.
KAYLA: Herstory maybe even.
SARAH: Ehh.
KAYLA: Themstry.
SARAH: I would like themstry.
KAYLA: If you’d like to make themstry, join our movement of asexuality and aromanticism now to be in what is the early days of recorded themstry of the orientation. Because it’s existed for many many years but is only starting to be cared about and recorded. So, hop in early while you can and say you were a hipster before it gets mainstream.
SARAH: Don’t bandwagon it, you know?
KAYLA: Do you want to be—don’t listen to anything I said. Do you want to be part of a movement before it becomes mainstream?
SARAH: This is not a moment, It’s a movement, where all the hungriest brothers have something to prove.
KAYLA: You’re running out of time to join before we finally break into the mainstream and get representation. So you’re going to have to join now.
SARAH: I would love to join, I am not throwing away my shot.
KAYLA: Okay, that’s enough. Wrap it up.
SARAH: Wrap it up? Like Hercules Mulligan?
KAYLA: Your peepus.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: You wrap it up like a peepus in a condom.
SARAH: I don’t.
KAYLA: It’s a saying.
SARAH: You’ve ruined it.
KAYLA: Wrap it or—it’s like click it or get a ticket. It’s like one of those but for a peepus.
SARAH: But not in this context.
KAYLA: I just wanted you to stop.
SARAH: Kayla’s canceled. Cool great this has been a shit show. What’s our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Oh my god. Should we just cancel the show? Yes or yes?
SARAH (laughing): Yes.
KAYLA: Should the show be over?
SARAH: Did you appreciate Sarah’s Biden’s still bidin’ his time joke?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Would you like a copy of the third part of the Bible which is just the entire backlog of the AVEN forums? Go buy Angela Chen’s book Ace.
KAYLA: That was definitely already a poll when we had Angela on.
(40:00)
SARAH: I’m throwing ideas at you and you’re giving me nothing but negativity.
KAYLA: *burps*
SARAH: Wow, that’s the respect I’m shown.
KAYLA: That is. What is the most exciting of being asexual?
SARAH: What’s your favorite part of being aspec.
KAYLA: I feel like we’ve already done that.
SARAH: Do it again bitch.
KAYLA: I’m rewording it slightly to be exciting.
SARAH: Good, wonderful. I mean, people can tell us again, or I’m sure we have new listeners who are no longer going to be listeners after this episode but they could in theory, tell us.
KAYLA: It is upsetting. We did get a spike in listeners after being on Queery, well I guess, but now we’re two episodes out from that, so maybe they’ll have stopped listening already. They’re already gone. So hopefully we’ve already got you. We probably don’t.
SARAH: I’m so sorry. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: My juice is my new cat.
SARAH: Yee.
KAYLA: I’ve had her since the last episode but we recorded the new episode so early that I didn’t have her yet and didn’t even know I’d be getting her. I have a new cat, her name is Gnocchi Fettuccine.
SARAH: Also known as Feta.
KAYLA: Yes. She’s very sweet and cuddly and the Discord had a whole fight about her name so now she has 3 different names. And it’s also my beef because it’s kind of ruining my life because her and my original cat Billie don’t really get along yet. They’re doing much better this week. But Billie wants to play with Gnocchi really bad and Gnocchi isn’t ready because she’s like three times as small as Billie for some reason even though they’re the same age. I think there’s something wrong with her. So Billie keeps going after her and there’s a lot of screaming matches in the middle of the night / 6 am. And it’s making me very tired and it’s kind of ruining my life but one day—
SARAH: There’s just an adjustment period.
KAYLA: One day it’ll make everything better cause the reason we got a second cat was because Billie was getting bored and now it’s making Billie much too unbored. So eventually it’ll level out but for now it is a little bit ruining my life but it’s fine.
SARAH: Yeah and they don’t have to become best friends.
KAYLA: They do. No.
SARAH: They have to become best friends, okay. That was both your beef and your juice. Okay, my beef I don’t have any prepared. My beef is the hours of pharmacies. I need to go pick up a prescription later today and I think the pharmacy closes before I get off work but I have to go because I’m literally out of meds but I will just go in the last ten minutes of work and hope nothing happens. My juice is three and a half minute psychiatrist appointments. I just had the most delightful psychiatrist appointment. The doctor, she had had an emergency at the hospital she works at so she was a bit rushed but I didn’t mind it at all because it was streamlined, it was straightforward and it was literally three and a half minutes and I loved every bit of it. I think all appointments should be that length. That’s all.
KAYLA: Amen.
SARAH: Cool, you can tell us about your beef, your juice, you can roast us for this shit show of an episode on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We have a new $2 patron it’s Madge M, hi Madge. I hope you’re well.
KAYLA: Hello.
SARAH: Hello, thank you. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Lily, nope, yes Lily but also Livvy, Madeline Askew, also James, also Corinne, also AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie, Tessa, MattiousT, Chris Lauretano, Sam, Kelly, Scott Ainsli, Orla Nieve Eisley, and Julianne. I keep having this problem where on my doc it says Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily but I keep for some reason saying Lily first.
KAYLA: I mean that’s fine.
SARAH: I know that’s why I said no Lily yes Lily but also Livvy.
KAYLA: Oh my.
SARAH: Our $10 patrons are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote me playing D&D, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote —Cassandra are you still manifesting positivity?
KAYLA: Last I heard.
SARAH: I mean yeah, we should always be manifesting positivity but. Cassandra who would like to promote manifesting positivity, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote their dogs Leia and Minnie who have been making an appearance in the Patreon Discord chat, that’s been delightful, that’s a good reason to become a patron, to see Leah and Minnie.
KAYLA: That’s a good patron perk.
SARAH: Yeah. Maggie would also like to promote H. Valdís, who is our next $10 patron, Purple Chickadee, who would like to promote figuring out one’s gender identity and the non-binary community, Barefoot Backpacker, who is just doing his best, Ashlynn Boedecker, who is @shlynnbo everywhere, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to promote The Thought Slime segment The Eyeball Zone, Mattie who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow of heteronormativity as always in support of Melody the hamster, Andrew HillumI I don’t know if they wanted to support the work of Elle Rose for one more week or just the one week so I’m going to say both— Elle Rose, still supporting them, what a delight, what a delightful human. Also Aro Week, it’s upcoming, and Andrew would like to remind you of that. Aaron who would like to promote free forehead kisses, and Khadir I forgot to ask you, are you still promoting the name Fettuccine for Kayla’s cat?
KAYLA: My god, what is happening? This is the longest Patreon read ever and we’re having a conversation with all of our patrons.
SARAH: Become a patron, I’ll have a conversation with you. Live on the pod.
KAYLA: This is literally the worst episode we have recorded.
SARAH: Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One is,Miranda Denton who would like to promote Casa Q, Leila, who would like to promote love is love also applying to aro people, Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth, Dia Chappell who would like to promote their Twitch channel, twitch.tv/MelodyDia and Sherronda J Brown who recently became a patron and told us that she didn’t have anything to promote so we’re promoting her.
KAYLA: Because she’s amazing and I can’t believe she’s giving us her money.
SARAH: We were like, what? Is that the Sherronda J Brown?
KAYLA: I told her we were fangirling about it and then she said LOL.
SARAH: Good. Glad you had that interaction. And finally our last patron is Dragonfly who would like to promote better podcast topics. Thanks for listening, tune in next —week, no next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.