Hey what's up hello! Recently we read an NPR Life Kit Article about dating advice, and it suggested having "pre-date rituals!" So today, we discuss dating tips as well as our own rituals.
Episode transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/pre-date-rituals
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! Recently we read an NPR Life Kit Article about dating advice, and it suggested having "pre-date rituals!" So today, we discuss dating tips as well as our own rituals.
Episode transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/pre-date-rituals
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
0:00)
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: pre-dating rituals.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: M’ango.
SARAH: Ahh, okay.
KAYLA: Have you ever seen a mango seed?
SARAH: I haven’t seen a lot of mangoes.
KAYLA: There’s a couple people I’ve seen on TikTok take out the mango seed and try to plant it and grow a mango or whatever. They’re very large. That’s all.
SARAH: Is it like an avocado where there’s a pit?
KAYLA: It’s not a pit. It’s like a—
SARAH: Just a really big seed?
KAYLA: Yeah, basically. It kind of looks like a giant pumpkin seed.
SARAH: It’s pretty big.
KAYLA: I hope I’m talking about mangoes and not something else. It’s possible it’s a completely different fruit.
SARAH: I was at the grocery store yesterday and I saw a pile of very large jackfruit and I was like, “that’s a jackfruit in the flesh!”
KAYLA: Yeah I think every time I see a dragon fruit I‘m like, what are you doing here?
SARAH: You exist?
KAYLA: We can’t do this again. We can’t keep meeting like this.
SARAH: Great. Kayla do we have any housekeeping? I did my Instagram live which was a full week ago by now but it is on the Voices4Berlin Instagram if you want to check that out.
KAYLA: Yeah, it was fun, I watched it and Sarah did not acknowledge any of my many comments which was rude.
SARAH: To be fair though about halfway through, the comments stopped updating for me.
KAYLA: I think the best part was someone, and if you’re listening I love you dearly, it was the funniest thing that’s everything that’s ever happened. It was like “oh my god Kayla looks different with bangs” because the person that was hosting it I guess didn’t not look like me. Had brown hair and glasses.
SARAH: It was curly.
KAYLA: And it was kind of curly hair. So it didn’t not look like me. I was in the comments and I was like, “I’m Kayla.” and someone else was like, “that’s not Kayla.” And the person was like, “oh my god.”
SARAH: Wait the person actually thought it was you?
KAYLA: I think, it seemed.
SARAH: Or were they like ha ha that person.
KAYLA: No I think the person genuinely was like, oh Kayla looks different with bangs.
SARAH: I love this. You have had bangs.
KAYLA: I have had bangs. They haven’t worked but I have had them. The only other housekeeping is that the first episode of our D&D mini-series went up on Thursday which is the day we’re recording and the second episode will go up next Thursday and the third episode will go up the Thursday after that.
SARAH: Gotta edit those.
KAYLA: You should edit those. So if you’re a patron of any level, you can listen to those. You can become a patron now to listen. Pretty much 99.9% of those funds will go towards transcribing all of our episodes because dang is that expensive and I know we’ve been saying for a year now that that’s where the money is going but—
SARAH: I don’t think you guys understand how expensive it is to transcribe an entire 170 episode backlog of podcast.
KAYLA: If you all want the real tea it’s going to take $8,000 total. So, anyway. Yeah it was a lot of fun. Hope yall like it.
SARAH: And if you would like to give us $8,000
KAYLA: We are open to that completely.
SARAH: I also think some people think we actually make money for ourselves off of this podcast, we do not.
KAYLA: I don’t know if people usually share podcast numbers, because with YouTube you can see views and shares and numbers but with podcasts it’s not that way.
SARAH: There’s no harm in being open about it. It’s like being open about financials, like why not?
KAYLA: The numbers of listens and downloads we get on the podcast is far lower than I think most people think it is and it’s weird because I don’t know that our listen quote is equivalent to our “cultural impact” or community impact if that makes sense so I think people think we are a lot more successful than we are which makes sense cause we are writing a book and shit so you’d think that more people listen to this but they don’t. We’re still successful but we’re not?
(5:00)
SARAH: But we appreciate your optimism.
KAYLA: We do. And not to say—it’s obviously not all about numbers. We’re still doing this even though we don’t make money off of it and blah blah whatever. This is just to say, if you think we’re famous and successful, we’re not. We are, but we’re not.
SARAH: If you think that, think again.
KAYLA: If you think that, consider thinking again. But also thank you for thinking that.
SARAH: You guys know how much money I make at my day job? I’m not going to because this seems like a very public forum to announce that but it’s not very much.
KAYLA: Now it feels like we’re guilting people.
SARAH: If you don’t have money to give to us, or you don’t want to give money, you don’t have to.
KAYLA: And we’re not saying people need to listen to us either. If you don’t want to, don’t, obviously.
SARAH: We’re just being honest.
KAYLA: And now everyone’s going to comment, oh they’re so hard on themselves. Yes.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yes. We have depression, heard of it?
SARAH: Someone in the Discord was talking about how I was saying none of us were cool when we were talking to Barefoot Backpacker, and they were like pod moms are too hard on themselves and I was like yeah. That was a defining characteristic for both of us.
KAYLA: Yes, welcome. That is our personality basically.
SARAH: Anyway, let’s start this pod. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week, this is my idea that came from some lovely members of our Discord. As a reminder you can always throw out your ideas. We won’t necessarily use them but we welcome them.
SARAH: Even if you don’t use them, sometimes they make for interesting conversations in the Discord.
KAYLA: This idea, someone was listening to the NPR podcast Life Kit, which is a podcast they are like little short 20-minute podcast and they do them about a bunch of informational and life kit type of stuff like the title says.
SARAH: It’s a kit for your life.
KAYLA: Yeah this person was listening to one about—hold on I should find who the person is. So it was Skye from the Cornflower System in our Discord that said “we’re listening to NPR Life Kit about dating (for the meme) and oh boy they really did recommend having a pre-dating ritual where you get into the headspace to go on a date.” And they said, “are the allos okay? I think the word ritual is a very intense word.” And a conversation ensued where everyone was talking about their pre-dating rituals and it was really funny and SOUP eats two hot pockets, Harry looks in the mirror and cries and you know, all the great stuff.
SARAH: All the classics.
KAYLA: All the classics. I thought this was funny and interesting and I also found the article version of this Life Kit podcast and I honestly felt like the pre-date rituals part wasn’t the weirdest part of the article. So I’m going to read the article and we can also share what I think our pre-date rituals would be.
SARAH: Mm kay.
KAYLA: Sound good?
SARAH: I’m ready.
KAYLA: This episode/article is called How to Fall in Love According to Hinge’s Relationship Scientists, which off the bat, who are you to tell me how to fall in love. We did an episode on this before, however many questions it takes to fall in love with someone or whatever that whole thing.
SARAH: 36.
KAYLA: 36. And I think as we probably learned from that, who knows, maybe, but also maybe not.
SARA: I think the term “relationship scientist” is very funny because I understand they’re trying to give themselves some credibility but scientist is such a broad term.
KAYLA: I understand being a sociologist who studies relationships, that I understand. I know people who do that.
SARAH: I know people who do that.
KAYLA: It makes it sound stupid and it makes me feel bad for people who actually are valid relationship scientists. Megan Carroll, the wonderful researcher I’m doing research with on asexuality I guess you could call her a relationship scientist because she’s currently doing research on asexual relationships but that just makes it sound what she’s doing much lamer and stupider.
(10:00)
SARAH: I think relationship scientist, especially when it’s saying—what’s the name of the article again?
KAYLA: How to fall in love according to Hinge’s relationship scientists.
SARAH: Especially when it’s telling you how to fall in love according to relationship science, it makes it sound like hard science which it’s not.
KAYLA: It also feels very much like a Cosmo article of help tips from some random person that claims they’re relationship experts, which, who among us, you know?
SARAH: Yes and I see this person works for Hinge and I’m like, okay, I understand your perspective, I see where you’re coming from.
KAYLA: Yeah, anyway, I’ll read you this article. It was written by Meghan Keene, I guess.
SARAH: For a second I was like, Megan Carroll?
KAYLA: Imagine I did all this shit talking and it was someone I greatly admire. Okay. “Dating in a pandemic is no walk in the park. Well, actually, often it is literally a walk in the park — but that doesn't mean it's easy.”
SARAH: That’s a good bad pun.
KAYLA: It is, but I hated it. “For over 15 years as a dating coach, people have come to me in a state of panic that their moment to find a match may have already passed.” I don’t know how I feel about the concept of a dating coach because how do they know any better than you?
SARAH: Shouldn’t you just be yourself? I can understand once you have created a relationship, maybe see a couples counselor help you work through whatever problems you do have. But a dating coach makes it seem like you need to put on a certain front from the start to get into a relationship.
KAYLA: It also makes it feel like, to me the only reason I can see to have a dating coach is if you have a lot of anxiety around dating. In that case, I would rather see a therapist. So anyway. “I always try to convey to my clients that dating is a learned skill, with a step-by-step process — and if you follow the plan, you will meet your future partner. Logan Ury has a plan and walks readers through every step of that process in her new book, How to Not Die Alone.”
SARAH: Oh. I understand that that’s a clickbait title and it’s intentionally clickbait-y but oof.
KAYLA: Yeah that part I was like ehhh. I understand dating is a skill and a step-by-step process because societal script. But that also sucks.
SARAH: It’s a process because we make it a process.
KAYLA: I understand that that is true but what if it wasn’t?
SARAH: But also, what if the world were completely different?
KAYLA: Read more in our book coming in two years.
SARAH: No it doesn’t have a title, don’t worry about it.
KAYLA: Maybe it should be How to Die Alone. The working title of our book. “Not only is Ury a behavioral scientist for the dating app Hinge, she also has over a decade of experience studying human behavior at various technology companies, including Google.” So she is straight up a scientist but also weird. In her book, Ury categorizes frustrated daters into three primary categories, and they each have unique challenges. 1 is the The Romanticizer: If you are caught up in the fairytale about how you want your love story to play out, this could be you. Number 2 is the The Maximizer: If you are a swipe addict with a checklist of qualities for the next best match, you fall into this category. Or, The Hesitator: If you have trouble getting started dating or have a million reasons for why this isn't your time to find love, this is definitely you.” This I’m not totally mad at. I’ve met these three people.
SARAH: Yeah, I think that’s all accurate.
KAYLA: I don’t know that these are the only three categories but I have met each and everyone of these people.
SARAH: And putting them into categories like that does reinforce the idea that dating is something that you should be doing or you need to find a life partner. But that doesn’t mean that they’re inaccurate categories.
KAYLA: Putting things into categories or writing an article or book like that just exacerbates the idea that if you have a problem you need to fix it rather than if you have a problem dating, don’t anymore.
(15:00)
SARAH: Maybe take a deep breath I don’t know.
KAYLA: Maybe take a break I don’t know. “In her book, Ury spells out eight questions daters should ask after they meet someone. She says these questions can help people get in touch with how a date made them feel and stay away from a "checklist" dating mentality.” So you’re staying away from a checklist dating mentality—
SARAH: By giving them a checklist?
KAYLA: But you do need to answer these 8 questions.
SARAH: Here’s a checklist to follow to avoid having a checklist dating mentality.
KAYLA: “1. What side of me did they bring out? 2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? 3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date? 4. Is there something about them I’m curious about? 5. Did they make me laugh? 6. Did I feel heard? 7. Did I feel attractive in their presence? 8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?” I don’t think these are necessarily bad either but I don’t think they have to be related to dating. This is just something you can ask yourself about anyone you meet.
SARAH: Yeah, I agree. Although I will admit, the first question, “what side of you do they bring out” my instinctive answer was the left side.
KAYLA: Hmm, helpful.
SARAH: So you can see the angle I’m going into this with, just as a disclaimer.
KAYLA: Okay. “Each of these types has unique challenges and recommendations — but some of Logan's advice is universal, regardless of your dating style. Here are three things you can do today to shift your love life for good: 1. Develop a growth mindset: If you look at dating as a set of learned skills and see the process as a learning opportunity, you'll be less stressed about each individual interaction.” Again, it’s only a learned skill because we made it a learned skill.
SARAH: Yeah and I mean pretty much everything that doesn’t pertain to our human survival is a learned skill. And even some things that do pertain to human survival are learned skills.
KAYLA: You know what’s weird to me though is I feel the general discourse is like dating and sex are all-natural. Everyone feels it, blah blah blah. But why do I need to learn how to date if it’s just a natural thing we all do you know? America explain.
SARAH: I think that brings us to the problem is they say that all these things are natural and it’s like, okay, maybe the attraction is natural, maybe the wanting to have sex with someone for the purpose of reproduction or for the purpose of fun is natural but everything else is human-built infrastructure around that.
KAYLA: It’s not natural the way that we date. That is all man-made.
SARAH: And it differs from culture to culture too. It’s not inherent to humanity.
KAYLA: No which is what, if we’re going to say both things, why are we?
SARAH: Why?
KAYLA: Why? Why do we keep saying both things? Anyway.
SARAH: Cause humans are dumb.
KAYLA: Yeah. Number 2 is “Create a pre-date ritual: Figure out what gets you into a good dating mood. Maybe it's a specific playlist or outfit you like to wear, or perhaps it's a call to your best friend to hype you up. Make sure you enter each date from a place of optimism and possibility.” I’m not mad at that.
SARAH: Kayla have you entered all of your first dates from a place of optimism?
KAYLA: Absolutely not. I feel like most people that date never enter a date with optimism. If it’s multiple dates in, and you feel really good about the person, sure. But a first date? I don’t think I’ve ever entered a first date—maybe some optimism but also a lot of dread.
SARAH: I feel like if it’s someone you already know really well, like you’re friends with them, you may have more optimism, but you also may be like, what if we ruin our friendship, blah blah blah.
KAYLA: That’s the thing is that it’s never pure optimism. Like I’ve definitely entered first dates with optimism because I like the person and hope it goes well but there’s usually mostly nervousness and dread.
SARAH: That is also part of your personality but yes.
KAYLA: Yeah but I also feel like anyone who is going on a first date, I don’t know anyone going on a first date doesn’t have some sort of anxiety or nervousness about it going poorly.
(20:00)
SARAH: I mean I simply cannot speak to this at all.
KAYLA: Maybe there’s someone that’s 100% confident or whatever but that just seems so unrealistic.
SARAH: For some reason my brain went to the character Twyla Sands from Schitt’s Creek where she’s so optimistic all the time where even if there’s a bad outcome she’s like, “okay” and so maybe there's some people that are like that where if there’s a bad outcome they don’t care. And maybe that’s where their untethered optimism comes from.
KAYLA: Those people scare me.
SARAH: Twyla’s a great character.
KAYLA: If you ever met someone like Twyla in real life, you’d be like, there’s something going on you’re not telling me. There must be some internal darkness here that we are covering up. Anyway, number 3 is Fuck the Spark. “This is actually one of the chapter titles in How to Not Die Alone. Chasing the spark based off of initial chemistry alone is a losing battle — and I have witnessed this too, among my clients and podcast listeners. Instead of prioritizing butterflies, look for deeper elements of connection and a window into your date's values. Go on that second date and see what unfolds.” Yeah that seems like okay advice.
SARAH: When you first said “fuck the spark” I knew what she meant. But my brain did go down the road of physiologically, how would you fuck a spark? You can’t.
KAYLA: It would be painful. But here’s the other thing with this is like some people are telling us, fuck the spark, get to know the person better. And then society is like, attraction, so hot.
SARAH: Love at first sight.
KAYLA: And it’s like, what is the truth?
SARAH: What is the truth?
KAYLA: This is why people are so confused all the time, because no one is telling us the truth. Anyway.
SARAH: Why!
KAYLA: “Understanding your dating pitfalls and developing a strategy can help you move into the relationship you want. It might not come in the exact package that you envision, but a deep connection and relationship that can blossom over time is worth more than a million dead-end dates.” I mean I’m not mad at most of this really.
SARAH: If you have a first date, and you don’t vibe, you don’t need to go on a second date. If you go on a first date and you’re not immediately in love but you’re interested in the person, yeah go on a second date. You had a good conversation, sure.
KAYLA: The thing to me, is this advice seems like advice you would give to any socially anxious person. It doesn’t feel, any of it specific to dating.
SARAH: That was one of my only prepared talks I had about this. When we talked about this talk yesterday, we were both saying how having a pre-date ritual or doing other things this article outlines doesn’t seem super weird to either of us, and I think it’s because both of us, me and Kayla are more broadly mentally ill and more specifically anxious people. And so the idea of a pre-date ritual does not faze us because I get how that could be helpful.
KAYLA: Yeah I feel probably unconsciously before I go into social situations I do have to get myself ready.
SARAH: I script phone calls, I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday and I literally wrote out notes of what I needed to make sure I told her because I knew that if I was put on the spot, even if it was a question I knew she was going to ask, if I didn’t have a prepared answer, I just wouldn’t say it.
KAYLA The word ritual definitely is weird because it makes it feel more like I need to put on this special perfume in this special spot and then and do this and blah blah blah.
SARAH: But also if that helps you, do it. There’s no harm in that.
KAYLA: Yeah I think the word ritual is weird. But we’ve talked about this before, before we podcast we have to put on our podcast suit, you know?
SARAH: There’s usually a lot of “are you ready,” “hold on I need to drink some water.”
KAYLA: Sarah always has to put some chapstick on for some reason.
SARAH: I didn’t put it maybe I should. I don’t want to podcast with chapped lips. As a person if I look at my life from outside, there are a lot of very ritualistic aspects.
KAYLA: Are there really?
SARAH: For me, little things.
KAYLA: Shocking.
SARAH: Yeah, I would say so. That’s another thing. That’s why it doesn’t faze me at all. Whether you’re neurotypical, whether you are not, whether you have OCD, I think this can be helpful to anyone.
KAYLA: Yeah not to shit on the people on the Discord that were making fun of it, because I understand it does sound silly.
SARAH: There is an absurd way to take it. It was very funny in the Discord and we’re going to take it in the direction later in this episode don’t worry.
KAYLA: I don’t know, thinking back to when I was dating, I was an incredibly anxious dater. Mostly because of my demisexuality to be honest. I feel like probably having pre-date rituals would have helped probably because there were many a date where I was incredibly anxious before it started and I felt ill. I’ve had dates—my first real date in college, I had to cancel because I was so anxious and I got in the car with him and I felt like i was going to puke and I was like, “I’m so sorry I feel ill can you take me home?”
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: Isn’t that just the most—? Yeah.
SARAH: Rip. And I can remember you being nervous before. There’s only one example I can think of because I have a horrible memory but I recall you being very nervous before a first date.
KAYLA: Where? Which?
SARAH: It was with the French Tinder guy who you didn’t go out with again. He sucked.
KAYLA: I don’t remember that at all.
SARAH: You were very nervous. You went to Noodles & Company.
KAYLA: No I went to Noodles & Company with Patrick.
SARAH: No you did, you did, you walked there. It was somewhere that was walkable.
KAYLA: It was somewhere that was walkable.
SARAH: The hollow. Yeah yeah that’s what it was.
KAYLA: Anyway. I don’t remember being nervous. I remember the date because it was boring and stupid.
SARAH: Maybe I’m just making it up.
KAYLA: I mean I believe you.
SARAH: Maybe I’m just gaslighting you for fun.
KAYLA: Maybe. You do love to gaslight.
SARAH: I do love to gaslight. This is a joke one person will get and i don’t think she listens, at least not regularly.
KAYLA: All you need to know is Sarah loves to gaslight her friends.
SARAH: This is a joke, this. Is. a. Joke.
KAYLA: Is it though? I feel kinda gaslit in this time.
SARAH: Mm interesting.
KAYLA: Why? Did your friend tell you to feel gaslit? Anyway, do you have anything serious to say about not dying alone or pre-date rituals before we share some of our serious and good pre-date rituals?
SARAH: Yeah I mean I guess, you know, if a pre-date ritual is helpful to you, cool. If it’s not, cool. There is no right way to be a human person.
KAYLA: There are a lot of wrong ways.
SARAH: I was going to say there are a lot of wrong ways to be a human person. But there is no right way. And so whatever works for you works for you and don’t shame people for what works for them as long as it’s not hurting anyone. But with that said, there are definitely some absurd pre-date rituals that if you were to say this is what I do as my pre-date ritual, I would say, does that really work for you and they would say yes and I would say I support you but also do you realize how absurd that is and hopefully they’ll say yes I’m aware and then we could laugh together. That’s all.
KAYLA: I have none prepared.
SARAH: I have one prepared.
KAYLA: Perfect.
SARAH: My preferred extreme pre-date ritual is to take a nap and then accidentally nap through the date. Miss the whole thing entirely.
KAYLA: That seems very you.
SARAH: Yeah, on a lot of levels.
KAYLA: Yeah. Well this isn’t mine this was actually I saw Barefoot Backpacker put in the Discord and I want to share this too. Barefoot Backpacker said that he has seen and heard the advice that men specifically should masturbate and get off before date so there’s not weird hormones which I don’t understand. Do you have less hormones after you get off?
(30:00)
SARAH: Is the intention for this is make sure you don’t accidentally get a boner in the middle of the date?
KAYLA: That I kind of understand.
SARAH: Presenting this to someone as you should do this before every date, that’s absurd.
KAYLA: What’s especially weird about it is then thinking, I’m on a date with a man and then what if I start thinking about, did you think he masturbated 10 minutes ago? That’s horrifying.
SARAH: Yeah, I don’t know.
KAYLA: I’m not trying to tell you when to masturbate but—
SARAH: There are biological reasons why that might make sense depending on the circumstance but hormonally…
KAYLA: Maybe I just don’t understand how hormones work but do you have less hormones after you get off and then they slowly come back? I didn’t think that’s what hormones were.
SARAH: They just come out from the underbrush like I’m baaack.
KAYLA: I just don’t understand.
SARAH: I don’t either. I think a really good pre-date ritual would be bathing in the blood of your enemies. Just to make you feel like a badass going in.
KAYLA: Very powerful.
SARAH: This is who I am. I am going into this date, I can do it. I can be myself. I have bathed in the blood of my enemies, I am ready for my date.
KAYLA: I’ve thought of one I actually think is a good idea.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Can I still say it?
SARAH: Sure.
KAYLA: Looking up the criminal record of the person you’re about to go on a date with.
SARAH: That is public information.
KAYLA: I feel like that’s good information. Fully internet stalk the person you’re about to go out with.
SARAH: Oh man, they got caught with some weed once, that’s fine. They robbed someone at gunpoint? Now I have questions.
KAYLA: Probably not great. Not as great.
SARAH: They assaulted a child on the street? Just kicked em? No that seems problematic.
KAYLA: I was watching a TikTok and there was this lady talking about this first date she’d been on and she had a tattoo of her zodiac sign, and the guy was like, oh are you into astrology, they were talking about it, whatever and he was like, oh are there any types of any types of men you don’t like to date based on their signs and she was like, I don’t not date certain signs but I’m not a huge fan of Geminis or Taurus men blah blah and he was like oh good I’m a cancer. And later she looked up his criminal record and he had fully assaulted someone and was a Gemini.
SARAH: That is wild.
KAYLA: So he’s just a big fucking liar.
SARAH: Why not at least own up to it? Obviously don’t be like, oh also I just assaulted someone.
KAYLA: He’s a Gemini!
SARAH: They’re going to find out eventually if you stay together.
KAYLA: Gemini behavior.
SARAH: If you stay together they’re going to eventually find out you’re actually a Gemini.
KAYLA: Unless you forge a new birth certificate, I don’t know.
SARAH: This isn’t to say never date an ex con.
KAYLA: No! People can be rehabilitated and change and become better people.
SARAH: Good to be aware of.
KAYLA: It is good to be aware and mostly to see if they’ve committed a crime very recently. Or are on the sexual assault registry, not great.
SARAH: Sold crack once, that’s probably a situational thing, there were probably reasons they did that. If someone sexually assaulted someone, hmm, you know, hmm. I think a good pre-date ritual is to do some sort of really extreme juicing cleanse, saltwater cleanse.
KAYLA: Just get everything out of your body.
SARAH: Yeah maybe only eat bananas for a week and just really fuck up your body’s system, metabolism, while you’re at it, might as well fuck up—what’s when you get tired at night—the circadian rhythm. Fuck that up too. Just mess everything up.
KAYLA: Get your sleep schedule way off.
SARAH: Get yourself to your most basic hangry self.
KAYLA: Oh yes.
SARAH: Like hangry and also feeling very ill. And then go on a date.
KAYLA: That’s great cause then you can see how they handle you at your worst right off the bat.
SARAH: Exactly. And they know what they’re getting themselves into.
KAYLA: I recently had to explain to Dean what a juice cleanse was. I think he thought it was a diet where you drink a lot of juice which makes sense I can’t fault him for that. But I had to break the news to him that it was only drinking juice for two weeks and I was like, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. But, they’re very weird and probably weird.
SARAH: And they fuck up your system.
KAYLA: I think another good pre-date ritual would be to get in your clothes you’re going to wear for your date and take your pet your dog or your cat or whatever and hold it and cuddle it and get as much of the hair on you as possible.
SARAH: Find out if they’re allergic.
KAYLA: Yes exactly thank you, that’s exactly what I was going to say is you just get as much and then you can find out if they’re allergic because if they’re going to be allergic to your cat, they can’t—the relationship isn’t going to get very far. You’ll have to live separately forever.
SARAH: Maybe they’re vaguely allergic and maybe they sneeze once or twice and that’s okay. I’m vaguely allergic to the cat that I live with and it’s tolerable. But if they need to be brought to the hospital that’s—
KAYLA: Over, dealbreaker. Unacceptable.
SARAH: Yeah I’m sorry my cat’s more important to me than that.
KAYLA: Honestly yes.
SARAH: I think another really good pre-date ritual is just —I don’t know why this is the thought that keeps coming to mind, bleach your whole hair.
KAYLA: What I love about this, is usually that’s something you do after you’re broken up with, bangs or bleached hair, this you’re getting ahead of it, before the breakup even happens, before the relationship even starts, bleach your hair now to save yourself the trouble for when you inevitably break up.
SARAH: And if you go on a lot of dates, whether they are first dates or not, continually bleach your hair until you’re bald.
KAYLA: You’re already ready for heartbreak if your hair is always bleached.
SARAH: Exactly. If your hair is bleached and you’re constantly rebleaching it, then if you are going on multiple dates with the same person and they still want you around even though your hair is frying off of your head, because of something you chose to do, that means they’re maybe in it for the long haul.
KAYLA: This is when I sometimes will ask Dean if I was a slug, would he still date me? This is like that in real life. You can really tell. If I absolutely demolished my scalp—
SARAH: On purpose.
KAYLA: On purpose. Would you still date me?
SARAH: Would you still date me? Yeah.
KAYLA: I love that a lot.
SARAH: Thanks.
KAYLA: I think another great pre-date ritual, I personally am a big picker. I love to pick a scab, I love to pick at my skin, I do it when I’m nervous, and so I think just get all of your picking out before the date so you enter the date with no scabs to pick. Will you be bleeding profusely? Yes absolutely. But, you will not have any scabs to pick.
SARAH: Yeah along those lines, just bite your nails off. Fingers are just bleeding into your spaghetti bolognese. And specifically get spaghetti bolognese—
KAYLA:—to cover up the fact that you’re bleeding yes.
SARAH: Don’t get fettuccine alfredo.
KAYLA: Oh that would be so embarrassing.
SARAH: If you got like fish tacos you’re going to notice you know, that there are drops of blood everywhere. So you have to eat a red food.
(40:00)
KAYLA: Yeah. Here’s another good one. You’re about to go on a date, you’re not sure who’s going to pay cause there’s the whole weird thing, but you’re going to this fancy place and you’re worried oh my god if it turns out that I’m the one to pay, I don’t have much money. So I need to be ready for that. So, before you go on your date, take an empty glass bottle and break it and hide the shards of glass in your bag, pocket, purse whatever, and slip it into your spaghetti once you’ve eaten most of it, and then it’ll be a free meal for both of you.
SARAH: Oh I understand. I really thought where you were going with this was to cause yourself a medical emergency.
KAYLA: I have to go, I can’t pay! I’ve cut myself with the shards of glass in my purse!
SARAH: And now I have to take an ambulance that’s going to cost me $2000.
KAYLA: Goodbye, I must go.
SARAH: If they took you to the hospital, I bet the restaurant wouldn’t make you pay. Or at least they wouldn’t make you pay immediately. They won’t be like “I”m sorry you have to pay before you leave in this ambulance.”
KAYLA: I imagine that if you become fatally injured or you have a heart attack in a restaurant and need to be taken away, they don’t make you pay do they? That’d be so awkward like, I know that your friend just got wheeled out after I don’t know, something happened.
SARAH: I was in a restaurant one time in Florida where someone had a seizure.
KAYLA: That’s terrifying.
SARAH: But I didn’t ask if they made them pay or not. I was like 15.
KAYLA: That’s terrifying. Your friend has a seizure at the restaurant, they have to be taken to the hospital to make sure they’re okay and maybe one of you stays behind you don’t all go in the ambulance. How awkward would it be for the server to be like, hmm here’s your check.
SARAH: We’re going to charge you extra for the seizure.
KAYLA: There’s no way. Can anyone that works in a restaurant—
SARAH: “You disturbed our other customers so you’ll have to pay a $10 seizure charge.”
KAYLA: Seizure caesar salad. If someone listening works at a restaurant or has worked at a restaurant or knows the answer to this, please let me know if some big accident happened to someone, would you make them pay?
SARAH: I don’t know.
KAYLA: Seems awful. Anyway, no. I think you just slip the glass in your food. I recently was eating grocery store sushi and there was full bits of plastic in the sushi. It didn’t hurt me in anyway and it didn’t bother me so I called the grocery story to let them know. The lady was like, “oh my god, I am so sorry.”
SARAH: I wouldn’t have even called them I’d have been like this is fine.
KAYLA: Well I just wanted them to know. What if something was broken, they kept making plastic sushi. The lady was like “oh my god I’m sorry, please come in and we’ll give you a discount and tell them whoever sent—” I don’t even remember her name cause clearly I didn’t go to the store cause I was too lazy.
SARAH: See I wouldn’t have even called. I would have been like, as long as I’m not dead, it’s fine.
KAYLA: Yeah. But what if I had found out, someone else had died from eating plastic sushi from that grocery store? I would have felt bad.
SARAH: You’re not liable for that.
KAYLA: Maybe I am though.
SARAH: No the grocery store is liable for that. You were helping out the grocery store is what you were doing. You were helping out the Big Man. Big Brother.
KAYLA: Big Grocery.
SARAH: I mean that’s a good place as any to stop.
KAYLA: Yeah, I love shards of glass in my spaghetti.
SARAH: So Kayla, what’s our poll for this week? Shards of glass in spaghetti?
KAYLA: Yes, or yes.
SARAH: Or, shards of glass in esophagus, must go to hospital.
KAYLA: I don’t think this is a good poll.
SARAH: No it’s not we need to do a different one. What were we talking about this week? Pre-date rituals.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: It could be like, have you ever had a pre-date ritual, or more broadly, a pre-certain-type-of-interaction ritual? Yeah that works. And if you’d like to tell us what it is, tell us what it is.
KAYLA: Do it.
SARAH: I hope someone says they legitimately eat a box of hot pockets and it really helps them. And I’m like, you know what, I support you.
KAYLA: Honestly I can see that. If hot pockets is your comfort food, maybe.
SARAH: Chow down, bitch.
KAYLA: I’m not mad at that, if that works for you.
SARAH: Become the hot pocket.
KAYLA: Yes.
(45:00)
SARAH: Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week? Is there beef in your hot pocket?
KAYLA: I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten a hot pocket to be very honest with you.
SARAH: They must make hot pockets with beef in them, they must.
KAYLA: I’m sure they do. I’ve had a pizza roll, which I’m sure is just a small hot pocket to be honest.
SARAH: Yeah that’s probably fair. I’ve never had a hot pocket. I feel like I’ve never had a pizza roll. Maybe I’ve had a pizza roll maybe once.
KAYLA: I love a pizza roll.
SARAH: I’ve had a bagel bite, which is just a tiny pizza on a bagel.
KAYLA: The other day I was safely and legally not sober and it was late at night and I made myself 15 pizza rolls cause I was very hungry and I came back from the kitchen and Dean was like, what the fuck, and then he tried to take one after I had actually asked him first to make me the pizza rolls and he said, no find a less arduous snack to want and so I just did it myself, and so he tried to take one of my 15 pizza rolls and I was like I fully intend to eat every single one of these pizza rolls and I did.
SARAH: Good I’m happy for you.
KAYLA: Cause he didn’t deserve it.
SARAH: Make your own damn pizza rolls, Dean.
KAYLA: Exactly. If he wanted them, he could have made them but he said no. Anyway my beef is that I and Dean and one of our cats have ringworm. I feel like this had to have been my beef a while ago that I had itchy spots and I thought it was eczema. I feel like this must have been my beef. And for a second, this was a couple weeks ago, but neither of the cats were showing signs of ringworm so I was like there’s no way I have ringworm if I don’t have ringworm, but then Billie started having symptoms of ringworm and I was like, oh shit, so we brought her to the vet so it turns out that Gnocchi the new cat, had ringworm in the shelter and they treated it but it doesn’t just go away right away so she was still carrying it, so she gave it to the rest of us and so now we all have ringworm. It’s not as gross as it sounds, we don’t have a ring. There’s not a worm, it’s just an infection of the skin.
SARAH: Ringworm is a really deceptive name because it makes me think of a parasite, like a parasitic worm.
KAYLA: All it is is that the spots you get are ring shaped, that’s it. It’s just like an itchy spot. It’s not that gross.
SARAH: It just makes me think about parasitic worms and it really upsets me. Don’t like that.
KAYLA: Anyway we all have ringworm except for this little rat who brought it to us. Anyway. That’s my beef. My juice is that I had a first session with a new therapist because I haven’t been in therapy all quarantine which was absolutely a mistake and it was good. Would recommend.
SARAH: My beef is that I haven’t prepared beef and juice. My beef is that apparently I was taking too much Adderall cause I misunderstood the instructions. But like it was helpful, it was helping me and I understand that Adderall is meth and that it is an addictive substance. But like I wasn’t having a hankering for Adderall. I took it when I needed it and it was helpful and now I can’t have as much.
KAYLA: Now I can’t have my meth!
SARAH: She’s switching me to the extended release though so we’ll see if that’s helpful. Anyway, my juice is I went to the grocery store the other day and they had cherry Coke which is a real delight for me.
KAYLA: Another installment in Sarah looks for Cherry coke.
SARAH: Yeah cause I was completely out. At one point I had three 12-packs and I drank all of them and I was like, I’m out of cherry Coke, what am I going to do, I really hope Ralph’s has cherry coke and they did, I didn’t even have to go to Smart and Final Extra, which yes, is the name of a grocery store. Who named it?
KAYLA: So happy for you.
SARAH: That’s all. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your pre-date ritual on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. If you give us money there, you can listen to our D&D episodes, you can also help us transcribe because as was established at the beginning of this podcast, it’s not cheap. We have a quite a few new patrons this week, maybe they wanted to hear D&D and maybe they’re going to cancel their patronage in a month but you know what, we still appreciate you. So our new $2 patrons are Samuel Macdonald, Sophie, and Mary S. Thank all of you for your patronage, you are wonderful.
KAYLA: Welcome.
SARAH: And we hope you enjoy our D&D specials. I don’t like how I said that but it’s too late.
KAYLA: I don’t either to be frank.
SARAH: Well, Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, who is our DM for the D&D episodes just saying, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie, Tessa, MattiousT, Chris Lauretano, Sam, Kelly, Scott Ainsli, Orla Nieve Eisley, Julianne, and Lost In Space, thanks for joining the party, Lost In Space.
KAYLA: Hello! Welcome!
SARAH: I hope you become unlost soon. Our $10 patrons, are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote me playing D&D which has happened now, I think it’s actually been happening, the first time, Benjamin that you started promoting that was like 2 days before we planned to play, but we couldn’t tell you, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote manifesting positivity, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, H. Valdis, Purple Chickadee, who would like to promote figuring out one’s gender identity and the non-binary community, Barefoot Backpacker, who would like to promote being you for you, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to promote The The Eyeball Zone, Mattie who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow of heteronormativity in support of Melody the hamster, Andrew Hillum did in fact tell me before last week’s episode what they wanted to promote and I just can’t read. So they would like to promote their cat Sarah Jane. Sorry about that Andrew Hillum. Aaron who would like to promote free forehead kisses, Khadir who would like to promote Gnocchi Feta Fettuccine as a wonderful name for any cat, now I just question myself everytime I say gnocchi. Cause I’m afraid I’m going to say gno-chee.
KAYLA: Same, to be honest.
SARAH: Potater who is a new patron who would like to promote potatoes, Changeling MX who bumped up from $5, thanks Changeling we love you and they would like to promote their home on the Internet which is starshipchangeling.net. And we have Sarah Kujawa who would like to promote her dogs’ Aviat and Stevie’s Instagram @aviatthehusky and on the day this episode comes out it is Aviat’s 3rd birthday so—
KAYLA: Fun fact about Sarah Kujawa is that she is my childhood best friend from kindergarten,we were best friends in elementary school—
SARAH: So you have always been drawn to people named Sarah?
KAYLA: I think so. So if you can get ahold of Sarah, she is on Discord I don’t know that she uses it because she is self-proclaimed not good at technology, but if you can get ahold of Sarah, maybe she’ll give you details on tiny Kayla and how awful she was, who is to say. But thank you Sarah for listening and for giving us money.
SARAH: Thank you! Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One is, Leila, who would like to promote love is love applying to aro people, Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth, Dia Chappell who would like to promote their twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Sherronda J Brown, who didn’t have anything to promote so we’re promoting her, Maggie Capalbo who is promoting their dogs Leia & Minnie, who really have been making a lot of appearances in the patron only Discord chat, another reason to become a patron and Dragonfly who this week would like to promote your local Ralph’s having cherry coke. Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: Until then, take good care of your cows.