Hey what's up hello! This week we take a dive into the Am I The Asshole (AITA) Subreddit and give our aromantic and asexual perspective on relationship and sexuality situations.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/am-i-the-asshole
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! This week we take a dive into the Am I The Asshole (AITA) Subreddit and give our aromantic and asexual perspective on relationship and sexuality situations.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/am-i-the-asshole
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demisexual girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Am I the Asshole?
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: M’eredith.
SARAH: Oh, which one?
KAYLA: Specifically the one—
SARAH: In the Parent Trap?
KAYLA: No though I do love the Parent Trap. I was thinking of the one that was on this one season of The Amazing Race. It was this old couple and the husband was named Meredith and his wife would always be yelling “Merediiiith.”
SARAH: Good. Isn’t Meredith the first name of Grey as in Grey’s Anatomy?
KAYLA: I think so.
SARAH: That sounds right to me. I’ve never watched it.
KAYLA: Recently, as in yesterday, there was another podcast that was live-tweeting listening to—sorry, somehow there is foundation on my journal and I just touched it and it got everywhere. I don’t know how it got there.
SARAH: Oh no.
KAYLA: They were live-tweeting listening to our last episode and there was a part where they were like, “I have no idea what’s happening but I like this game.”
SARAH: Who was it? I didn’t see this.
KAYLA: I don’t know. I think it was a small podcast network. Let me find it.
SARAH: Ohhh spicy.
KAYLA: I don’t think they’re a regular listener. It seems like they do this in the morning where they listen to a podcast and livetweet it which is fun.
SARAH: Yeah that is fun.
KAYLA: WGC productions, With Good Co. A lot of the times in the mornings they pick a podcast and livetweet listening to it which is fun.
SARAH: That’s fun. Maybe I would know these things if I paid more attention to our social media but hey, that’s what I have you for.
KAYLA: Yeah, pretty much.
SARAH: Before we dive in, do we have any housekeeping? Do we need to keep this house?
KAYLA: I don’t think our episode of the POV Podcast has come out yet. We were incredibly confident in saying last week that it would come out but I don’t think it did.
SARAH: A big surprise for everyone. It’ll be a surprise.
KAYLA: Waiting on that one.
SARAH: Cool that’s it.
KAYLA: Yup.
SARAH: Great.
KAYLA: More to come later.
SARAH: Kayla what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we’re going to do some Am I the Asshole. We’re going to read some submissions to the Am I the Asshole Subreddit and make some judgments.
SARAH: Yeah. For anyone who doesn’t know, the Am I the Asshole Subreddit is basically just a Reddit page where people, they explain the situation with whatever conflict is happening and they’re like, “Am I the Asshole?” And the people decide if they’re the asshole or if they’re not the asshole.
KAYLA: It is fun because I didn’t realize—as I was scrolling and finding mine, I didn’t realize, I knew people would comment, but I didn’t realize, then people, I’m assuming the moderators will go in and tag the result of whether they’re the asshole or not. And usually, the person is not the asshole but it was very funny to see a few posts flagged as “you’re absolutely the asshole.”
SARAH: You’re the asshole. Incredible. We wanted to do some Am I the Asshole. We wanted to give our aspec perspectives. Mine are specifically to do with relationships. I don’t know what approach you took.
KAYLA: One is about relationships. I found four that have specifically to do with asexuality or aromanticism.
SARAH: That’s very spicy. I am going to be honest. I pulled up a bunch but I have not read any of them in full.
KAYLA: I did skimming but.
SARAH: I think calling what I did skimming would be generous so. We’re going in blind too guys.
KAYLA: I have one relationship one and the rest are about asexuality and aromanticism.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: But also I don’t know how many of these we’re going to get through.
SARAH: I don’t either, they’re kind of long usually.
KAYLA: Who wants to start?
SARAH: I’ll start.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: This one is, “Am I The Asshole for saying that it’s my sister’s fault her husband is divorcing her?”
KAYLA: I read this one. I didn’t read the full thing cause it’s kind of long and I got bored. But I did see that.
SARAH: We’ll try and fly through this. “My (27 female) sister (32 female) is currently in the process of divorce started by her husband (40 male).” First of all, eight-year age difference, mmkay.
KAYLA: Well when you’re that old.
SARAH: Kayla, every time you refer to 40-year-old people as old I just think of Barefoot Backpacker’s poor little face.
KAYLA: I meant when you’re that old as in like when you are the age of 40. The older you get the more acceptable an age difference is.
SARAH: Oh I agree.
KAYLA: I guess in your 30s and 40s, an eight to ten-year gap is fine. Now you’re making me sound bad when it’s not what I did.
SARAH: Okay. I’m looking at it now, it does say they were only married for two years. Okay. If they got married when they were 30 and 38 it’s fine. If they had gotten married 10 years ago I’d have been like, excuse me? Anyway. “They were married for a total of 2 years. The problem started with brother in law wanting his own biological kids (I'll explain later) and my sister not wanting them. She was always against having kids but the moment they started seeing each other, she started making certain changes about herself. He had the courtesy of telling quite early where he wanted the relationship to go and my sister at that point went from no to maybe to one day and then yes. They got married but maybe the realization finally hit her when we went to meet our cousin who had given birth. Yes, a new mother’s body is not exactly the epitome of sexy because pregnancy does things to a mother’s body. I could tell sister was detracting and it was still early in the marriage when I asked her to reconsider and end the marriage now before it's too late. She was adamant that she wanted a child but I could tell she was flaky. She never talked to me but she would talk to our mother and I would hear from her how brother in law was still going on about wanting a child but she is not feeling like wanting a child anymore. Oh Boy.”
KAYLA: It’s also a risky—how old were they, 38 or no?
SARAH: She’s 32.
KAYLA: Okay no that’s fine. I was going to say if you wait ten years, it’s risky to have a kid.
SARAH: She’s young enough it’s fine. “A month ago, brother in law reached his limit and finally asked sister to be upfront and she straight up told him she does not want to be a mother and started offering alternatives like adoption.” Which you’re still a mother if you’re adopting. “Brother in law did not want to hear any of that and sister came to live with us.”
KAYLA: Huh.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: That confuses me, is it that she doesn’t want to physically give birth? Or she doesn’t want to have a kid period. Because that I think is going to change my opinion of things but go on.
SARAH: My guess, it doesn’t specify I don’t think. My guess is that the sister compromising at adopting. I don’t know that she really wants to be a mother but she really doesn’t have to go through pregnancy and giving birth.
KAYLA: I think you’re right but if the thing was she just didn’t want to give birth physically but was willing to adopt but the guy is like no fuck you, that’s fucked up of him, you know.
SARAH: Okay, so then it says, “As to why brother-in-law wants biological children? He was previously married and has 2 children and he found out that neither of them are biologically his. He pays child support but does not see the kids anymore, understandable. Sister also knew this but maybe love blinds people. She is here bawling her eyes out because brother-in-law has started the divorce proceedings and does not want any sort of compromise. Parents have been giving brother-in-law shit for days now and so is sister now about how stubborn he is and wish he could see it before. It got annoying to a point where I told her that it was her fault that she was not ready, lied to him and now expects him to accommodate, fully knowing his side and that her foolishness impacted the life of 2 people. Now they are angry at me for "taking his side". Am I the asshole? If so, what can I do to make it right? I am not going to retract my words because they are exactly what she did.”
KAYLA: You know what this reminds me of? What’s the movie? It’s a romcom. I don’t think it’s 27 Dresses, but it’s something in that range where the girl—her sister’s marrying this guy and pretending to be vegetarian and super earthy and a good person when actually the sister is terrible but then the main character is in love with the to-be husband and ends up exposing the sister. Do you not know the movie I’m talking about?
SARAH: Can you say that again?
KAYLA: So in the movie, the main character’s sister is getting married. But the whole time she’s been dating this guy has been changing her personality to be a vegetarian and a philanthropist and a good person. And the main character knows that her sister is not a good person. So I can’t remember if she’s in love with that guy. What?
SARAH: It’s not ringing any bells.
KAYLA: Anyway at the end, it’s very dramatic. She ends up making a slideshow showing pictures of her sister being shitty at the wedding—or at the—what’s the dinner you before.
(10:00)
BOTH: The rehearsal dinner.
KAYLA: Whatever. It reminds me of that the sister just knowing that her sister was—man what movie is that? It’s a good movie. Anyway.
SARAH: I was going to look and be like, what do other people think but you know what? No. This is the aspec perspective. I don’t care what other people think. What do we think, Kayla?
KAYLA: It is 27 Dresses that I was thinking of.
SARAH: Is it 27 Dresses?
KAYLA: Have you never seen 27 Dresses?
SARAH: I have seen 27 Dresses, I don’t remember that.
KAYLA: James Marsden / Whoever I think James Marsden is.
SARAH: Paul Rudd. I recently watched Dead to Me and James Marsden is in it and every time I was like, you know that could not be not clearly Paul Rudd. It’s just really not Paul Rudd. I mean I’ve seen 27 Dresses. I think it was a couple years ago.
KAYLA: It is 27 Dresses, she does a slideshow. I’m sorry I spoiled the movie.
SARAH: I remember the part where she’s taking pictures with her little point and shoot camera of all of the dresses. That’s kind of all I remember.
KAYLA: The other good part is she’s dancing on a bar to Benny and the Jets.
SARAH: I know that part too. No wait those are the only two parts of the movie I remember.
KAYLA: Anyway, this has been an 27 Dresses interlude. So is this person the asshole?
SARAH: I think it’s possible that this person was a little too harsh in saying it but I don’t think they’re wrong.
KAYLA: I think their thoughts and feelings are correct but I wasn’t there when they worded it indelicately. I can understand why this person would be frustrated if they’d been telling their sister for years, “don’t do this.” And then the outcome that they knew was going to happen happened and everyone was like, “I’m so shocked.” I would be annoyed. If I was telling you for a year this would happen, don’t act surprised.
SARAH: Look I don’t really care what the brother-in-law’s opinions are. I do think it is a little odd to be like, I must have biological children. That’s a little weird to me. But I don’t even care what his opinions are because if the sister went into this knowing that she didn’t want kids why.
KAYLA: If there is any asshole in this situation, it’s the sister for blatantly lying and changing her personality and stance on things to get into a committed relationship.
SARAH: Yeah I get if you really love a person but if you have that many fundamental differences, your relationship is not going to work.
KAYLA: Especially if she knew going in, “this will be a dealbreaker for him but I’m just going to do this anyway.”
SARAH: Convincing herself that she does want kids just because she likes him. But it didn’t work. I think this person is right. Maybe a little assholey depending on how they conveyed it. But I do think they’re right.
KAYLA: I don’t think they’re the asshole though.
SARAH: You’re right. They’re not the asshole in the situation.
KAYLA: The sister’s the asshole. Well, we’ve solved it. Do you know what the—
SARAH: I don’t know that I’d use the word asshole to describe the sister but the sister is the one who did something wrong.
KAYLA: Yes. Does yours say whether people voted whether they were the asshole or not? Is there a tag on the top?
SARAH: A tag?
KAYLA: Under the title is there a little—
SARAH: I see it. I had to refresh it. It says “not the asshole.”
KAYLA: So we agreed with the people.
SARAH: We agreed.
KAYLA: Okay. Are you ready?
SARAH: I’m ready.
KAYLA: This was posted 23 hours ago. So, juicy. “Am I the asshole for getting my roommate’s boyfriend evicted?”
SARAH: I think I may have seen this one but I didn’t read it all.
KAYLA: Mm kay. I was worried, I was—mostly before started searching for the asexual ones, scrolling at the top and I was like, “we’re going to find the same ones.” So, “Am I the asshole for getting my roommate’s boyfriend evicted?” So, “This has all happened in the past month, so it’s weighing on me quite a bit as I’ve never been confrontational about anything. For some background: I (25 female) rent a townhouse along with 5 other girls. That’s more roommates than I would like to have, but we all have our own rooms and some shared common areas, so there’s plenty of room and it was never an issue in the 3 years I’ve rented it. One of these roommates, we’ll call her Sue (24 female) moved in a boyfriend shortly after their relationship started.”
(15:00)
SARAH: Shortly after?
KAYLA: Yeah. An interesting move. “I’ve been close friends with Sue since school. We work in similar fields and have a lot of common interests, so it made sense for us to move into the same house. Everything was fantastic between us and the other girls we live with, until the boyfriend moved in. Sue’s boyfriend began staying with us about a year and a half ago. It was not discussed with any of us, and he paid no rent and contributed nothing to the household. They both also virtually took over the common areas of the house, with his video games, books, and other items taking over the tables. He practically existed in the living room, playing games on my TV that I bought for everyone to share, and made it uncomfortable for anyone else to enjoy that entire space. On top of this, they’d also have sex in the common areas—”
SARAH: WHAT!
KAYLA: “—which we’d all agreed would be against our house rules. It got to the point where I would have to knock before entering my own home, because leaving the door unlocked was part of the fun for them.”
SARAH: Oh my god. I have so many issues, first of all this person—
KAYLA: It’s not even done yet!
SARAH: I know. I know. I don’t care. I need to say some things.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: First of all, this person not even asking the other five roommates if their boyfriend can move in, that’s a huge red flag. The rest is chaos.
KAYLA: You know what I would like to compare to this? I don’t know if this ended up happening but there were discussions for a while of the people in our college home who had significant others that would stay over a couple nights a week to pay more rent. And so you contrast that to one end of that extreme to the other end of that extreme where there’s not even a discussion is a lot.
SARAH: I guess they don’t need to pay rent as long as that person’s rent is getting paid but they would need to pitch in on utilities I would think.
KAYLA: To me rent, I think they should be paying, because it’s a sixth person, so resplit the rent by 6 instead of five so everyone’s paying less.
SARAH: Oh that’s a good point. But then they’re sharing a room, whatever.
KAYLA: They’re sharing a room—
SARAH: But they’re still taking up— yeah that’s fair.
KAYLA: I don’t know. Continue. “When I raised my concerns about him staying with us, Sue would always get upset and claim he couldn’t live in his own house, since his roommates had some sort of beef with him.” Probably because he has sex publicly. That was my own addition, it was not written. “The final straw came when a new girl moved in about a month ago. She was very kind and seemed a great fit for the house. However, Sue wasn’t going to tell her about boyfriend living with us. So I told her myself, and no more than two weeks later she had moved out, saying he made her uncomfortable. Sue and boyfriend LITERALLY celebrated her departure, because as BF put it, he ‘didn’t like her foreign accent.’”
SARAH: Uh.
KAYLA: “This is where my other roommates say I’m the asshole and went too far. In a fit of rage over their celebration, I went behind all of my roommate’s backs, contacted our landlord, and reported him as an illegal tenant. He was promptly evicted, and I was labeled the asshole. Some of my other roommates say I went too far and that we could have come to an agreement, while two are proud of me for doing what they’ve been wanting to do for over a year. Naturally, Sue is furious and is making my home life a living hell, so I’d love to hear others’ takes on the situation. TLDR: Roommate’s boyfriend lives with us rent free and causes issues. I get him evicted. EDIT: Our house has enough rooms for 7 people total. The new girl moving in made 6 roommates plus myself, and was discussed and approved by us and our landlord (when boyfriend was conveniently out of the house). The boyfriend made 8 people, so in the end after all was said and done, Sue and 2 other roommates are upset with me. 2 think I did the right thing. Back to 5 total roommates plus myself. UPDATE: thank you all for the overwhelming support, I feel a lot better now about my decision. As many pointed out, it likely would’ve been better to have done this a year ago, both to save them the blindside and myself the trouble, but better late than never. Sue has decided to “stay indefinitely” with boyfriend and his roommates, so it looks like the reign of terror will be moving to those poor boy’s house. I hope and pray those guys won’t put up with it like we did. As for our friendship, I have no room in my life for that level of immaturity. Bros before hoes, and she has clearly chosen her hoe over me. If she one day chooses to apologize, I’ll consider a second chance, but likely not if BF is still in the picture. Thanks again everyone!”
(20:00)
KAYLA: I mean I think this one is pretty clear. It reminded me of our old episode about sextiquette especially with sex in public places so I just felt that I needed to read it to you.
SARAH: It’s maybe that it should have been addressed earlier and maybe they should have brought it to Sue first but those are all of the things we should be doing not necessarily the things that I would do.
KAYLA: She also says she’s never been confrontational about anything.
SARAH: I’m the same way so I definitely feel for her.
KAYLA: I mean not the ideal situation. Like you said, things might have gone better if she was like, “you need to get out or else I will evict you” or they had more of an open conversation but she’s definitely not the asshole.
SARAH: Mmkay. I have this one, it’s Would I Be the Asshole. They haven’t done it yet.
KAYLA: They haven’t done it yet. Just checking.
SARAH: “Would I be the asshole if I wall mounted the TV without my boyfriend's help.”
KAYLA: What? How does—okay. Go ahead.
SARAH: “My (30 female) boyfriend (31 male) and I recently moved into a place together. He is a carpenter who just entered the trade a little over 6 months ago. While I'm very handy with power tools and have built my own furniture, hung blinds, can install wall anchors and use a drill, etc..my boyfriend quickly caught up to my level of knowledge and is now better than I am at handy work. I usually do these projects alone, because he's not great at teamwork and has a bit of a temper. Last night at 8:30 pm, I set in on getting the TV mount on the wall, the TV was on the floor for weeks and it was a simple project I figured we could check it off our list. Immediately he started complaining that he does projects all day and kept checking his phone and sighing dramatically at the time. (We usually go to bed around 10pm and get up at 530am for work) I tried to remain positive and said it's going to look so nice and that I'll read through all the instructions and get everything set up so he can just come in when I need help with the last steps. I did just that, and when it came time to drill the holes in the wall, I handed him the template and said "I think you'll be better at this than me, you've learned so much and I'd feel more confident if you marked the holes, I'm just a little nervous to make it level" he started grumbling that it was so easy and why couldn't I just do it, again checking his phone for the time and grunting..it was 9pm. (I don't really need his help to do this project, but I feel more confident since he has professional training.) So I pleaded for him to do that part and he started yelling which quickly escalated to screaming at me that I'm not listening and it's so easy why can't I just listen to him and let him teach me a thing or two. Says he didn't even want to do this project at all and that he's tired and I'm making him work late and pushing him past his bedtime. So I said forget it, we'll finish tomorrow then and walked away. He kept yelling for a bit but I'm not going to work with someone who is screaming at me. He apologized and feels bad about yelling, but I just want to get the project over with and I know if I do it myself, I won't have to risk being yelled at or have the project sitting for another few weeks. However, I feel bad that he was tired and felt overworked and maybe I should be more considerate and save projects like these for the weekend, and I think it might hurt his feelings if I finished without him.”
KAYLA: I think he’s the asshole for screaming for something like that.
SARAH: Agree. I think especially if this person, she says she’s very handy with power tools, built her own furniture, hung blinds, that’s more than I can do. And so if she’s that capable—I can see why the boyfriend might be a little bit annoyed if she was like, hey I want you to double-check this if it was level. But if he was like no you do it, okay that would have been a little annoying for her but she could have done it.
KAYLA: Or if he had definitively had been like, “not tonight, I’m really tired from work, I’ll do it at this time. That isn’t weeks from now.” I don’t think she’s the asshole. I do think these people would probably benefit from a sit-down conversation about, “should this happen again? would you rather me save these projects for the weekend? What’s a better time for you? And also please stop screaming at me.”
SARAH: Right, yeah. All of the comments are like, “you’re not the asshole and also dump him.”
KAYLA: When you started saying he was screaming at her, my immediate response was stop dating someone that screams at you.
SARAH: Interesting. This person says, “Not the asshole. Do you really want to live with someone who acts like this over a wall mount?” And they responded and they said, “I do not. I was not aware of this side of him until we moved in, and it's not all the time. He's an anxious and clinically depressed person and gets overwhelmed easily, he has been to therapy and is on medication and has expressed regret and desire to be better. Moving has been stressful for us both so I'm taking that into consideration. But the last instance of this, I told him we go to therapy and we work on it together or I'm out and he's agreed to look for a couples counselor with me. I'm not going to live with someone who yells, especially not over stuff like this. We signed a year lease, I'm not afraid to live on my own or without him and if he doesn't start working on it and making improvement, I am not going to stick around and be yelled at.” Good. Good.
(25:00)
KAYLA: See this is why we move in together before we get married because moving in with a significant other is very difficult.
SARAH: Even if you spend time together, there are a lot of things you wouldn’t have known otherwise. Anyway, that’s all.
KAYLA: Here’s mine. “Am I the asshole for not telling my cousin she isn't asexual?”
SARAH: Oh. Kay.
KAYLA: It sounds bad. It gets better.
SARAH: I’m ready. Open-minded.
KAYLA: “My (23 female) cousin (24 female) came out to me as a biromantic asexual when she was 18. A few months later she came out to all her friends and as a group we started talking about things related to our sexuality. My cousin would say things that sounded like sexual attraction towards a person. I would just ignore it because I'm not ace myself so maybe I was confusing what she was saying for sexual attraction. A year later I started questioning my sexuality and did some research, I stumbled into asexuality for a bit. My cousin was still openly talking about sex-related things with me and I didn't think she was asexual, she would detail things often about how she found someone sexually appealing. I don't think she realized this was sexual attraction. I sent her some articles and videos about being asexual as hints. I didn't tell her straight up that I thought she wasn't asexual because I wasn't ace so I didn't think it was my place to judge whether she was ace or not and I could be wrong. Her friends also suspected she wasn't ace and told me I should tell her but as I said, I did not. Two years ago, my cousin became friends with my cousin and pointed out to her that she probably wasn't ace. My cousin reevaluated her sexuality and came out as pansexual a few months later. Fast forward to now and my cousin finds out I had suspected she wasn't ace all those years ago. One of her friends told her that basically the whole group knew and was dropping her hints to go back into a questioning stage. She's pissed that we didn't tell her. Her friends blame me because I'm her family and the one she told first so I should have been the one to tell her. And she blames all of us but agrees that I should have told her so I'm the biggest asshole of them all. My friends say I'm not the asshole so I would like a third non-biased opinion.”
SARAH: I mean—so was it that this person was saying they were ace but they didn’t quite understand what that meant?
KAYLA: So, I don’t know. It sounds like maybe they didn’t realize that they were experiencing sexual attraction? Maybe they thought sexual attraction felt a different way?
SARAH: Now if it was a situation of this person misunderstanding what asexual meant and this person didn’t correct that then I think think that would be a problem. But if that’s not the case, I don’t think OP is the asshole because OP was just letting them have their own journey.
KAYLA: Yeah I don’t think it is—I think that the poster did what was correct which was dropping some hints, sending some articles. In my opinion, I think that’s as far as people should go when it comes to helping other people with their sexuality. I don’t think it’s ever okay unless someone asks you to do this specifically to “diagnose” someone. Ugh. That’s not a great word to use that has a lot of baggage. Anyway. To tell someone what you think their sexuality is. The poster is saying “I don’t think that’s my place especially since I’m not an ace person.” I think that’s correct.
SARAH: That’s right. I can understand the person being a little bit annoyed that, “oh I wasn’t ace this whole time and no one told me” but it wasn’t their job to tell you.
KAYLA: Yes I do understand the frustration of, I could have known this years before, you guys knew this but I think it should be more a frustration of, “I wish I knew” rather than “I wish you had told me.”
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Because who knows how she would have taken that of, “you’re not asexual.” That could have been taken the wrong way. If someone came up to me like, “I actually don’t think you’re demisexual,” I would be like, “well that’s rude.” You know that could do some damage to our relationship.
(30:00)
SARAH: Not the asshole. Okay.
KAYLA: What if the cousin listens to this? But if they no longer identify as ace, I kind of doubt it.
SARAH: They might, who knows their life. Okay my next one is, “Am I the asshole for helping a friend in a way that made her boyfriend uncomfortable?”
KAYLA: Oop.
SARAH: “My (22 male) friend (22 female) and I are really close and have known each other for around 10 years and she has a condition known as endometriosis. This can cause severe chronic pains and even more while menstruating. I have always tried to be as helpful and supportive as possible when she is in pain. We haven’t seen each other in a while because of you know what. My friend, her boyfriend (22 male) and I are all vaccinated so I was going to spend the month there. She had her period today and her boyfriend got promoted at work so he got blackout drunk and was passed out on his bed. She was in a lot of pain today and was hurling over the toilet in pain so I was trying to be as helpful as possible by rubbing her back and holding her hair. And putting my arm on her shoulder in a half hug kind of way to try and comfort her. Her boyfriend was up a little later and came into the bathroom and saw us. He asked what was happening and I explained and he told me not to do that and I told him that I was sorry but didn’t want to leave her alone in pain. He rolled his eyes and went about his business. He pulled me aside later and told me that he didn’t care if he was drunk and told me that I had no right to do that. Now I think I may be the asshole because of the fact he is kind of right in that I should have woken him or informed him in some manner to see if he was comfortable with it or some alternative so am I the asshole?”
KAYLA: COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT!
SARAH: No, you’re not the asshole.
KAYLA: Uncomfortable with what? You platonically touching your friend—
SARAH: Who you’ve known for 10 years?
KAYLA: I’m assuming—I guess I don’t know, but I’m assuming this friend has known—they’ve been friends longer than these people have been dating. Maybe that’s not true.
SARAH: And they also said the boyfriend is OP’s friend as well.
KAYLA: Yes, that makes no sense. I can understand maybe the boyfriend being like out of a place of concern, “I wish you’d have woken me up so I could have helped because I care about this person and so I wish I knew she was not well” but that is not what he’s mad about.
SARAH: I think this boyfriend is fragile, he’s just a fragile man and can’t handle—if it was a female friend, the boyfriend wouldn’t have cared. Literally, all this person was doing—
KAYLA: Is it a male friend?
SARAH: Yes it’s a male friend. I said that at the beginning.
KAYLA: Sorry that’s not what I was picturing in my mind. Regardless though.
SARAH: It’s a male friend. Which is why I’m saying because OP identifies as male, the boyfriend is just being a weak lil heternonormative man who’s being like, “oh no, you were rubbing my girlfriend’s back when she was in a lot of pain and I was passed out? You’re trying to steal my girl—” no, what the fuck.
KAYLA: To think that he would be making a move while this girl was literally vomiting.
SARAH: Does he usually make moves at that point in time?
KAYLA: Cause if so, yikes. That’s the classic thing of “guys and girls can’t be friends without something going on” or whatever. How dare you help my girlfriend who’s vomiting.
SARAH: When she’s in pain. I think OP needs to tell his long-time friend to dump this bitch.
KAYLA: Also this seemed to me that they were more primary friends than the guys being friends.
SARAH: Mm hmm.
KAYLA: It seems like they were close, so you know they have this established friendship and relationship.
SARAH: And this person said, “Not the asshole. This man is treating your friend like property and doesn't care one bit that she is feeling awful. He sucks.” Then this person is like, “Wouldn't call you an asshole but don't think the boyfriend did anything wrong.” Which is not what most people are saying in the comments. “He walks into a room and sees someone embracing his girlfriend. He doesn't make a scene and has a word with OP later on to voice his concerns. Don't see what is wrong with that?”
KAYLA: Embracing is an interesting word for what was happening.
SARAH: And someone goes, “He walks into a bathroom and sees someone supporting his vomiting girlfriend. Rubbing someone's back/giving them a sympathy hug is nothing like embracing.”
KAYLA: That’s the thing, is he not okay with them hugging normally? I’m assuming they hug. They haven’t seen each other for months. I’m assuming upon seeing each other, they hugged. Was that also not okay?
SARAH: I don’t know. Yike.
KAYLA: Are you ready for mine?
SARAH: Mm hmm.
KAYLA: This one, the title sounds really bad. It gets slightly better, but I don’t know. “Am I the asshole for lying about being asexual to remain friends with a person with a jealous girlfriend?”
SARAH: Mm kay.
KAYLA: Not a great start you know? “I (24 female) have known this guy MH for about 10 years, we met in a neighborhood swimming club and became best friends. We had the same interests, hobbies, perspectives and we were like siamese twins in soul, knowing exactly what the other wants and most comfortable in the company of each other. Whatever our relationship had been, it had never been anything less than pure. We were the type of friends that could sleep on the same bed comfortably without crossing any boundaries. We went to the same high school and had been close, then MH made a girlfriend, JK.”
SARAH: Jungkook of BTS is JK so I no longer read JK as just kidding, I read JK as Jungkook.
KAYLA: Okay. “I was happy for him and for a short time me and JK became good friends as well, until she became increasingly hostile with me for being too close to MH. In order to not ruin any of our relationships, I "came out" and declared to MH, JK, and everyone else that I am asexual and cannot feel any special attraction to males.” Not the definition. “It went pretty smoothly as I did not date anyone else before and JK gradually dropped her guards too and we all remained friends. Later on for a few years, I believed myself to be asexual as well as I had no desire for anyone from any sex.”
SARAH: So did they think they were ace or not?
KAYLA: They claimed they were not. But, there’s two more paragraphs. “It all changed this June when, at the age of 24, I finally got myself a boyfriend, and realized that well, I might not be asexual after all. Everything seemed to click together and I realized that I actually needed someone and that one is my boyfriend. I was still in good terms with MH and JK, who are still together. When I broke the news to them, while MH was happy for me, JK blew up at me for lying to her all these years. I tried to assure her that nothing has changed, I am still me, I love both of them, and I genuinely thought that I might be asexual that time. She then accused me of a whole lot of her previous assumptions before MH shut her up and assured me that he would sort it out with her. For all I know they might have quarreled because of this and I am feeling sorry that it turned out this way. Am I the asshole? I know that I am not asexual now but back then all I wanted was to remain friends with MH.”
SARAH: I think this is complicated. I think if OP actually thought that they were ace when they first said this, then JK is the asshole because clearly also JK has no idea of the split model and blah blah blah.
KAYLA: First of all, I think the original poster is demisexual.
SARAH: That could be possible.
KAYLA: Is the vibe I’m getting of them saying, “turns out I needed someone and that person was my boyfriend.” To me, it sounds like they’re demisexual. But even if this person is being truthful—the person could be asexual and still be dating someone and having sex with them. Asexual people as we all know can date and have sex. So JK immediately jumping to the conclusion that this person is lying. Also, jumping to the conclusion that lying happened at all when what happened was what the original poster was saying happened is that they realized they were wrong. It’s not lying.
SARAH: Also they’re immediately making it about them. They’re making it like, “I don’t care about your orientation or questioning, obviously you did this to hurt me.” What? It seems like you two have known each other for a while now.
KAYLA: Yeah, she’s known the guy for ten years. They’ve been dating for a long time. It would be like me saying I was heterosexual for the first 20 years of my life was me lying.
SARAH: When you first read it—
KAYLA: The title is bad. The title makes it sound bad.
SARAH: Not even the title but the first part where OP said that they told MH and JK that they were ace—because of the title I did think they were lying and to that I say that’s an asshole move. If you had done that I get why you did it but you still shouldn’t have.
KAYLA: Yeah if they truly did lie just to keep the friendship, that’s not okay.
SARAH: But I did think JK needs to read up on asexuality and how to not be an asshole.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: This one I haven’t read yet but it seems truly wild. “Am I the asshole for making a list of my brother's girlfriend's faults and how I have the better woman?”
KAYLA: And how what?
SARAH: And how I have the better woman.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: “I (28 male) will not argue that what I did wasn't childless or petty, it definitely was but was I justified? Backstory: In high school, I had a girlfriend "Kelly" (28 female)”—28 Female, now. But when they were dating was in high school—”and she was someone who I thought would be my Forever Girl until I caught her and my brother "Mike" (30 male) in the act. I was enraged, dumped Kelly and emotionally disowned my brother.”
KAYLA: Oop. That’s really shitty of the brother.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Obviously really shitty of the girlfriend too yikes.
SARAH: “My parents were on my side and told Mike that he had to find somewhere else to live and maintained little contact with him after the fact.”
KAYLA: WHOA. He got kicked out?
SARAH: My guess was that the brother was not a minor. Because if Mike is two years older than Kelly, and if this happened in high school and they kicked him out, I’m guessing the brother was no longer in high school. That’s my best guess.
KAYLA: I thought the brother was also a high schooler.
SARAH: Since there is a two year difference I’m guessing that’s what that was. “It wasn't until I finished college that my parents started welcoming Mike back into their lives when he announced that Kelly was pregnant with their first grandchild.”
KAYLA: So him and Kelly stayed together?
SARAH: Yeah. First of all, I think it’s shitty of your parents to be like, oh we disowned you but you’re going to give us a grandchild? Yeah, we’ll have you back. That’s very selfish. That’s such an asshole selfish move to do that. Ugh. Okay. “They said that they didn't want to deny an innocent child a relationship because of what their parents did and even though I was hurt a part of me understood, but I made it very clear that whenever Mike was around I wouldn't be. My parents did like it but accepted my position on the manner. Years later I met my girlfriend "Tasha" (29 female) and she's really the sweetest and more adorable person ever. Although if you knew either of us separately you'd wonder why we were together (romantically) at all. It's definitely an opposites attract type of situation but I think we balance each other pretty well. I'm an extrovert who can give her reassurance while she's an introvert who keeps me grounded. During this past year I'd say that our relationship has gotten stronger and I know my parents love her because she's helped me let go of my anger towards Mike and I can tolerate him at family events. During our (my family and I) first in-person meeting I asked my mom for her grandmother's ring and stated my intention to propose with it. My mom was excited and readily got the ring while my dad was offering congratulations. The only ones who didn't seem happy were Mike and Kelly. When my mom came back Kelly stated that she should have the ring since she and Mike have been "engaged" since their son was born. My mom said it was first come, first serve and that since Mike didn't ask for it and she already had a ring she didn't need it. Kelly then tried to say that she didn't think I should propose because Tasha and I were so different and that if it didn't work out the family ring would be lost to a stranger. I got upset and told her to stop—
KAYLA: I feel like you could ask for the ring back.
SARAH: Yeah I think it would be okay. Would they even want to keep the ring especially if it was a family ring you know? Okay.
KAYLA: This is wild.
SARAH: “I got upset and told her to stop but she kept going on and said that she only cared about the family and that if anything it should go to the first female grandchild and started making a list of reasons why I shouldn't marry Tasha.” I just remembered that he used to date Kelly.
KAYLA: In high school.
SARAH: In high school. OKay. “I left angry and drove home but before I went into my house I made a list of reasons why Tasha was better and more deserving of the family ring than Kelly and sent it to Kelly via social media. Now Kelly is upset and has been crying and her friends and family have started to berate me. Am I the asshole? Edit: Just to be clear I didn't publicly post the list on social media I DMd it to her and she started showing it to others.”
KAYLA: Wow. That’s fabulous.
SARAH: I don’t think this person is the asshole.
KAYLA: I think Kelly deserved it. Kelly sounds like—
SARAH: I think Kelly deserved it. If I were in OP’s position, I may have sent the list to MIke instead rather than directly to Kelly.
KAYLA: Yeah but he already has a rocky relationship with Mike so I can’t imagine that would have gone well.
SARAH: I’m just saying—it’s about why his girlfriend is better than Kelly. I guess if Kelly was the one making the argument that he shouldn’t have the ring and not Mike. I guess that’s fair.
KAYLA: You know who I feel really bad for is Tasha. Because Kelly and Mike stayed together, this drama for the original poster—
SARAH: Won’t go away.
KAYLA: Since high school he clearly still has baggage and is not able to get over it and is confronted with it every day. And I feel bad for Tasha that she—not that it’s the original poster’s fault he’s dealing with this trauma but I feel bad that Tasha is stuck in the middle of this.
SARAH: He clearly does not have feelings for Kelly anymore, he’s clearly well over it. But it’s because of the betrayal of his brother that it’s still a fresh thing. I do feel really bad for Tasha.
KAYLA: It just seems unreal that—it’s just such a wild series of events.
SARAH: The parents to me in this situation. I have a lot of questions.
KAYLA: Incredible. They are doing their best clearly. They are trying to get through every day of this.
SARAH: They’re like, “alright we’re going to disown Mike. Wait he’s having a kid? We’re going to take him back. OP wants the ring? Great. Kelly’s mad about it? I don’t care, it’s first come first serve.”
KAYLA: I mean what else would you say though than that it’s first come first serve? Other than, “Kelly we don’t like you.”
SARAH: Also I think the two of us podcasters, both being the younger sibling, I do not want your “but I’m the older sibling” shit. I don’t give a fuck. If you allow that excuse of “oh I’m older” then you can use that excuse for all time. And that’s fucking stupid.
KAYLA: Mike knew that the ring existed and didn’t ask for it and proposed with a separate ring.
SARAH: She also has a ring.
KAYLA: It’s Kelly that’s like, “wait I want that one.”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You can’t really do that. She should be mad at Mike for not asking for it.
SARAH: I think Kelly is the biggest asshole followed closely by Mike.
KAYLA: Well, I would say they’re tied for me.
SARAH: They only reason I’m saying they’re not tied is because of the shit Kelly started saying about Tasha.
KAYLA: That’s fair but the original betrayal is still a lot to me.
SARAH: I know, I know.
KAYLA: I just can’t believe they’re still together. When you said that I was shook.
SARAH: I think then on the list of assholes, the parents are somewhere in the middle.
KAYLA: I feel bad for the parents. I feel very bad for the parents.
SARAH: They were put in an impossible situation. I do empathize with that. I still think it’s a shitty move to be like, “oh you’re having a baby now? We’ll just take you back.”
KAYLA: Well, from what the post said, it doesn’t sound like they’re taking them back it sounds like they’re saying “we don’t want to rob the grandchild of having a grandparent.”
SARAH: Yeah but they also know how detrimental it is to have OP around.
KAYLA: I think it’s a lose-lose situation.
SARAH: Oh it absolutely is a lose-lose situation. Maybe if Mike weren’t such a dick. Anyway, not the fucking asshole. Not the asshole.
KAYLA: That was fun. I feel like we should do a part 2 of this. This was a good time.
SARAH: I have one more that obviously we don’t have time for, I think would still be good in the future. I would be down for doing this again. Let us know.
KAYLA: I have some other ace and aro ones. People post all the time, so lots of content.
SARAH: Lots of content. Fantastic. Kayla, what is our poll for this week? Am I the asshole? Yes or no?
KAYLA: Am I the asshole for being the asshole?
SARAH: I mean we could pick one and be is this person the asshole but I feel like they’re all so straightforward, you know.
KAYLA: Maybe we could do the not telling my cousin she is asexual. I feel like that one’s a little in the grey area I think.
SARAH: Yeah, I would like to know what people have to say about that. Sure. Okay, that’s our poll. Okay, Kayla what’s your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: Hold on I’m typing.
SARAH: I would normally give mine while Kayla is typing but I actually didn’t prepare any.
KAYLA: My beef is that today I was catcalled by a group of teens and those teens happen to be the friends of my neighbor. And now, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before because it’s a constant bane to my existence, but my neighbors have a balcony that is directly next to my office and I can see them from my window. So often I hear the teens rapping loudly and sometimes we make awkward eye contact. So now the people, one guy in particular, catcalled me, now they’re just sitting on the balcony as I sit here doing my silly little podcast.
SARAH: Are they rapping loudly? Quietly?
KAYLA: Right now, no. They’re just sitting.
SARAH: Are they good rappers, at least?
KAYLA: I don’t really know much about rap. Right now they’re just sitting on their phones. The other day one walked off the balcony onto the roof of the downstairs. It’s a lot so that’s my beef. My juice—one juice is that I’m in the finals of my Survivor game that I’ve been playing for the past 63 days.
SARAH: 63 Days!
KAYLA: We aren’t finding out the winner until June 20th so that’s annoying. But stay tuned I guess. And I had another one but I can’t remember what it is now so that’s it.
SARAH: Okay. I can’t think of either juice or beef. I got a haircut. That’s kind of value neutral but it’s kind of a juice. My beef is I had to go grocery shopping today.
KAYLA: I have another beef.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: It is that you have not gotten a septum piercing yet. Cause I just for some reason am holding a lot of stock in your nose. Dean is calling me.
SARAH: Dean, no. You can tell us about your beef your juice, your assholery on our social media @soundsfakepod.
KAYLA: He’s calling again.
SARAH: Put him on speaker.
KAYLA: Should I?
SARAH: Whatever makes you happy.
KAYLA: Say sike right now. Oh wait. Hold on.
SARAH: Oh no, I forgot we were on the phone.
KAYLA: Oh no I didn’t remember that when I did that that it would hang up.
SARAH: I guess you could have merged the call—I don’t. Oh she’s calling back. Yes?
KAYLA: What I had not taken into consideration is that it would hang up on you.
SARAH: I was just telling our listeners the same thing. That I did not that we were on the phone.
KAYLA: I was also telling our listeners and you in the future the same thing.
SARAH: Maybe I should leave both in.
KAYLA: Talking over each other?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I hope you do.
SARAH: Sorry Padya. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. You can support us there with your money dollars or your money Euros or your money pounds. I think those are the only three—
KAYLA: Currency?
SARAH: Currencies. That’s the one. That we have there. We have two new—
KAYLA: But if you want to diversify that, we’d be happy—
SARAH: I don’t know if Patreon accepts others. I’m not sure how it works.
KAYLA: I also don’t know.
SARAH: We have two new $2 patrons, they are Jude Škulec and Antje Dros. Those are both names that are not names that I normally pronounce so sorry if I fucked it up.
KAYLA: I remembered my other juice.
SARAH: Yeah?
KAYLA: My other juice is that I made a really good TikTok.
SARAH: Have you put it on our Instagram yet?
KAYLA: I hadn’t. Someone—the Instagram aroace tiktoks they reposed it. I have not.
SARAH: Post it on our Instagram.
KAYLA: I will. I bought a whole cake for it and fought through my depression to make it. And it got a lot of likes so I feel validated and whole now that people on the Internet gave me validation.
SARAH: Kayla texted me and was like, “do you have access to a cake” and I was like, “no.”
KAYLA: I really didn’t feel like going out to buy a cake but I didn’t.
SARAH: And she was like I don’t either and I was like, you know there’s a solution to this.
KAYLA: I didn’t want to.
SARAH: Anyway, check out our TikTok and our Instagram, we’ll put it there. Our $5 patrons that we are highlighting this week are Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker and Vishakh. We also have a new $5 patron, it is Green_Sarah. Is Sarah’s last name Green? Is Sarah green?
KAYLA: Is this a green version of you from an alternate dimension?
SARAH: Is this an environmentally friendly version? Is it green like really new to the scene and don’t really know what you’re doing? A lot of options here. Sarah please tell us, we need to know. Our $10 patrons who we are highlighting this week are Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote Reclaim the Night, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, and Ari K. who would like to promote Thought Slime. The rest of our $5—$10, did I say 5 at the beginning of this? I don’t know. These have been the $10. Our other $10 patrons are Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Anonymous, Sarah McCoy, my aunt Jeannie, Cass, Doug Rice, H. Valdis, and Purple Chickadee—I just said Barefoot Backpacker, The Steve and Ari K. Mattie, Derek and Carissa, Aaron, Khadir, Potater, ChangelingMX, David Jay, The Stubby Tech, Simona Sajmon, and Rosie Costello, who recently joined the Discord because it was requested. I don’t think she’s still there.
KAYLA: Patron perks, you get in the patron channel on Discord, you can see the messages that Rosie the dog left.
SARAH: She did leave some messages in picture share as well.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: But yeah. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote free mom hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One is, Leila, who would like to promote love is love also applying to aro people, Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth, Dia Chappell who would like to promote twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Sherronda J Brown, who would like to promote cucumbers, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote Minnie, Leia, and Loki, Andrew Hillum would like to promote finding your words and your people during pride month, and Dragonfly who would like to promote the fact that Dragonfly told us we could have them promote something random each week but Sherronda J Brown didn’t.
KAYLA: We just kind of did that on our own.
SARAH: I just had you promote cucumbers this week, Sherronda. Why? Because I’m looking at cucumbers and it came out of my mouth. Our $20 patron is Sarah T who would like to promote long walks outside. Thank you for listening, tune in not next Sunday but the following Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then take good care of your cows.