Hey what's up hello! We're back with another installment of "am I the asshole?" curtosey of r/AmItheAsshole. Come along on a magical journey of family drama and relationship woes.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/am-i-the-asshole-pt-2
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SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:: … and a demisexual girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA:: On today’s episode: Am I the asshole, part 2.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the Pod!
SARAH: I just heard the song Dance M’onkey.
KAYLA: Okay, sure.
SARAH: Do we have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: Just a quick reminder to folks: if you are not a Native person, do not umm talk about spirit animals because that’s cultural appropriation.
SARAH: Yeah, we had a message from last week because the quiz we did mentioned spirit animals and we didn’t flag it and we should have. So-
KAYLA: Just a reminder!
SARAH: Don’t say that if you’re not Indigenous. Yeah, apologies.
KAYLA: Exciting things happening!
SARAH: Yeah it’s true.
KAYLA: That’s all.
SARAH: We won’t tell you what but it’s true. Stressful things happening.
KAYLA: They’re not they’re good!
SARAH: They can be both good and stressful.
KAYLA: Anyway fun times!
SARAH: Anyway Kayla what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we didn’t know what to do so we decided to do Am I the Asshole part 2!
SARAH: Part twooo~ What a time, what a time, y’all seemed to enjoy it the first time so,
KAYLA: Why not!
SARAH: We’re back and we enjoyed it the first time so let’s run it again, bitches!
KAYLA: Let’s run it, let’s just do this ten times.
SARAH: Okay. So I opened up the Am I the Asshole Reddit and the FIRST one that came up already looks so spicy.
KAYLA: I’m ready.
KAYLA: Why is it spicy?
SARAH: Am I the asshole for telling my husband I’ll use my maiden name for our baby if he misses the birth?
KAYLA: Umm, that’s very funny.
SARAH: Okay so it says: “So I am 37 weeks pregnant. Due to several health complications during my pregnancy I’ve been told multiple times, by multiple doctors, that I might have to give birth next week as supposed to two weeks from now. Furthermore, I may actually go into labor this weekend or anytime leading up to it. Due to these same health complications, I’m having a c-section and my doctors do not want me laboring. So should I go into labor they are most likely pushing me through as an emergency c-section. My husband knows all of this. However, he is holding on to the 2% chance they gave him that the baby could last the two weeks. His sister is also pregnant — 4 weeks behind me — and her baby shower is this weekend. It will be over an hour away and that’s without traffic. So weeks ago I declined for both of us because it didn’t seem like a good idea. Well despite having a long conversation the shower, 2 days away, has come up again. It turned into a fight as there are multiple reasons that should I go into labor, it’s just a bad situation for him to be that far away. I would list them all but character limit. Husband wants to go and support his sister and see his family. And says I’m keeping him on a short leash for something that probably isn’t going to happen. I told him maybe he’s right and nothing happens. But said should he CHOOSE to go and CHOOSE to take that risk, that should I go into labor he would most likely miss the birth or be extremely late. And if he makes that choice then I would give the baby my last name, my maiden name, versus his family name. Husband said I was an asshole for keeping him hostage-”
SARAH: “and I’m always planning for worst case. And that my thoughts are going to trigger labor more than anything. I said if he chooses to not be a part of this, should I go into labor, why should the baby bear his name when he would fail on his duty as a father. (Sarah slowly devolves into a laughing voice from here) He has been silent and moody since. Only talking when absolutely necessary and saying that I’m trying to take everything from him. So am I the asshole?”
KAYLA: UM (croaks). That she’s taking everything from him?! Okay here’s my thing. Baby showers?
KAYLA: Not like a necessary thing, anyway.
KAYLA: It’s not like you missing a wedding, it’s not like you’re missing a BIRTH by not going to this baby shower.
SARAH: No. Yeah.
KAYLA: And it’s not like he’ll never see his family again.
SARAH: This blows my mind, I do not think she’s the asshole at all.
KAYLA: I think she’s funny as hell!
SARAH: Here’s my thing. “I’ll give the baby my last name”. It’s unclear if she took the husband’s name or not, because she refers to it as “my last name”, but also “my maiden name”.
KAYLA: It kinda seems like she didn’t take his name. I don’t know though.
SARAH: Yeah. To which I say: did you even have a conversation about what name the baby would take? Because I feel like a lot of time it just defaults to - like if the wife doesn’t take the man’s name it defaults to the kid gets the husband’s name, to which I say- he’s trying to take everything from him because she might possibly give their shared child her name? WHAT?
KAYLA: It’s so dramatic of this man.
SARAH: I think it’s petty as hell of this woman, but I support her wholeheartedly.
KAYLA: Oh absolutely but like, I just don’t understand, sure family is important and obviously-
KAYLA: -family is important to this guy, he wants to see his family and support his sister and whatever, but also, if family is that important to you wouldn’t you want to be there for the birth of your newest and closest family member?
SARAH: And I’m sure his sister would understand because she’s also fucking pregnant.
KAYLA: And if not, she’s crazy and that’s a her-problem.
SARAH: Well and - I - the top comment said: “Not the asshole. I have had several emergency c-sections. Lemme state this loud and clear for everyone not understanding it. Op won’t get to active labor. It won’t be twelve plus hours. The minute she shows any sign of labor they will immediately go into surgery. An hour will not be enough time to get to the hospital, get scrubbed in, and be there for delivery. In fact, dad will be the lowest rung on the ladder and if he’s not there when mama is wheeled in, he won’t be taken in. This is not a simple birth, this is a major operation, with risks to mother and child. There’s no time for waiting for dad. There’s no allowance for him being late. They will not care about him. So yes, he’s 100% the asshole if he goes an hour away from op and a child that will arrive at literally any time.” And then someone was like: “The fact that he is unbothered by the fact that she would have to go through any part of that process ALONE is terrible.” Which YEAH.
KAYLA: Yeah. The fact that he’s like “and what if I miss it?” Like sir?
SARAH: A c-sectio-?! First of all, this is the birth of your fuckin- I get the vibe that this is their first child, but she didn’t specify, but-
SARAH: I get that vibe. It’s the birth of your fucking child. It’s a major operation. If something goes wrong it could be harmful for his wife and his child!
KAYLA: Child aside, it’s a major surgery.
KAYLA: Bad shit CAN happen. I would simply divorce this man (laughs).
SARAH: This blows my mind.
KAYLA: What a fun story. You know that kid is gonna hear about this when it gets to be like 25 and they’re like getting wine-drunk at family Christmas, this is absolutely coming out.
SARAH: Yeah. This person is like: “This guy treats this like OP is holding him hostage but in fact she only wants him to BE THERE FOR THE BIRTH OF THE CHILD, and for what? A baby shower?”
KAYLA: And like if you wanna talk being held hostage, this woman, especially because she seems like she’s high risk for complications, probably seems like she isn’t being allowed to leave the house much-
KAYLA: A lot of women at risk are put on bed-rest where for months they aren’t allowed to leave their bed.
KAYLA: And like you’re growing a thing inside you-
SARAH: You are growing a Human Person.
KAYLA: Like she is the one who has been hostage to her body for nine months, and this man is throwing a fit-
SARAH: And YOU put that fucking baby there!
KAYLA: You did it! This man is throwing a fit, and his wife is the one who has been carrying a literal human being for nine months.
KAYLA: What a fucking asshole.
SARAH: This person was like: “OP please try to understand your own worth”.
KAYLA: Please just leave this -
KAYLA: -terrible man.
SARAH: God. Like baby showers are boring, stupid, and the baby is not even there yet. Just send your gift and say “sorry I couldn’t make it, my wife was liable to go into labor at any moment.”
KAYLA: Like I understand the concept of a baby shower but it’s like, so if you - you think about a baby shower, like you would think about a bridal shower as compared to a birth as compared to the wedding-
SARAH: Yeah, yeah.
KAYLA: Like if you miss the wedding shower- I don’t even think I’m gonna be able to go to my sister’s bridal shower-
SARAH: I’ve missed many a bridal shower.
KAYLA: and it’s like not that big of a deal-
KAYLA: It’s like a pre-party where you give even more presents?
SARAH: It’s more important to be at the wedding. I think that’s a very good comparison.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: Like shower to wedding, like shower to birth, because one of them is way more important than the other.
KAYLA: Well yeah, one of them is the pre-party to the giant life event and the other one is the giant life event! (sigh) I hate men.
SARAH: Anyway. You’re not the asshole, give that fucking baby your name whether or not your husband-
KAYLA: I think — yeah, I think all of your children should have your name because you should leave this man.
KAYLA: My first one is one I had leftover from last time that was an asexual/aromantic specific one that I didn’t get to last time.
SARAH: Mm yes, please.
KAYLA: “Am I the asshole for not mentioning I am an aromantic asexual to a girl who is (possibly) interested in me?” Okay, “I have been told a girl in one of my classes at my university would definitely say yes if I asked her out by another girl in my class.” First of all, university, why are we talking like we’re in middle school?
KAYLA: “She didn't say how she knew that, but she seemed pretty certain.” Um it’s because her friend told her to say that because her friend is in middle school. Anyway. “I am an aromantic asexual, so I have no desire for sex or a relationship. Never had sex or been in a relationship, and I know next to nothing about sex or dating since they have always seemed like a super boring and trivial subjects to me. The girl in question who ostensibly likes me sits next to me every class even if I move around. She also touches/compliments my biceps a lot.” Ma’am.
SARAH: That’s… kinda weird. In class?
KAYLA: I know.
SARAH: We’re not in a bar, we’re in class buddy.
KAYLA: Ma’am. “I don't see how that means she likes me romantically but like I said, that other girl seems pretty sure. I thought she was just envious because she's always saying how much bigger and stronger I am than her or asking to her me to lift her up.” This is — pause — the most classic aspec thing I’ve seen of like, “I don’t think this means flirting”-
SARAH: (high-pitched voice) “I can’t tell if this-”
KAYLA: -when to me I’m like yeah this is the most blatant flirting of all time, and this person is like “I don’t know I just thought she was jealous that I was buffer than her”. That is so funny. Um, “It's not really hard since I am like a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than her and she seems to really like it for whatever reason so I do it.” Pertaining to lifting her up. I’m literally screaming this person is so oblivious to flirting and it is incredible. Um, “Anyways, when I told the girl who informed me about the crush that I wasn't interested in dating, she got super cold with me and left. I don't even know if this girl in my class likes me for sure since she's never told me if she does. I have always thought my sexual orientation is no one's business. Am I the asshole for not telling her about my sexual orientation? I just want to study and play my video games. I don't want a girlfriend.”
SARAH: No you’re not the asshole. First of all, I have so many— I have a lot of thoughts.
KAYLA: So this actually has already been rated that this person is not the asshole.
SARAH: Yeah. I do not think they are the asshole, I agree. I think- okay first of all if that girl is really interested in this person she could ask them out herself, first of all.
KAYLA: Right, it’s not-
SARAH: This isn’t 1823. And second of all, they’re not even dating. Like to some people-
KAYLA: I know, this is a stranger basically.
SARAH: Some people might look at that and say like “oh they have a thing”, but that’s not dating.
SARAH: And you don’t owe her any information because you’re literally not dating her.
KAYLA: Everyone in the comments is like no you’re not the asshole like you don’t owe telling anyone anything. This person said, “Not the asshole. My guess here is that the one woman has a crush on you, and her friend was trying to do some recon or convince you to ask her out. There's nothing wrong with that, but you weren't interested then they need to respect that. If they were mainly interested in dating and you decline their advances, they might move on. That doesn't mean that either of you were bad people, just that you wanted different things.”
SARAH: Also like, if this poor poor oblivious person doesn’t really realize that this person is flirting with them, then that’s not their fault. It may feel a little bit shitty to the person on the other end of it, but it’s not they’re intentionally leading her on-
KAYLA: Right, no.
SARAH:- they’re just oblivious.
KAYLA: Yeah. This person said: “Not the asshole. What kind of backwards ass thinking is that? Straight people don't have to end every conversation with ‘oh and by the way, I am heterosexual.’ Gay people don't have to wear glittery capes that say "GAY" in big fabulous letters. Easy people don't have to walk around in assless chaps, and abstinent people don't have to walk around showing off their chastity belts like they're WWE Heavyweight Champions. You can tell people what you want to, or not. Fuck them. You do you.”
KAYLA: I don’t love the wording of ‘easy people’ necessarily, however...
SARAH: I understand the meaning, I understand the meaning of it.
KAYLA: Still a great sentiment. And I love it.
SARAH: I also think, I think it's a little weird… that - I mean I sort of get, they said that this girl sits next to them everyday even if they move seats, which, I would, I mean, if it’s moving a seat on or- a seat over or maybe a row back, that’s not a big deal, but I don’t know, in college you have your unassigned assigned seats, it's a seemingly universal thing, so if they’re jumping around the room that means they don’t want you to sit next to them so stop.
KAYLA: Right to me, I’d be interested to know how many conversations these people have because like, to me, if I had, you know, everyone has their random friends that you’re only friends with in this class and you sit next to each other in your unassigned assigned seats and you’re class friend or whatever. So it's one thing if these people were like class friends, like oh you moved I’m gonna sit with you, but to me even if I had a class friend and I noticed that they were not in our unassigned assigned seats I don’t know that I would sit next to them, unless we were like really good friends.
KAYLA: I feel like I would take that like “oh okay” and then maybe wait for them to be like, “hey I’m over here”.
SARAH: Wait for them to approach you.
SARAH: Yeah wait for them to be like “Come sit with me”
KAYLA: So bizarre.
SARAH: Or wait for them to say something to you when you leave class or something.
KAYLA: I just umm, this poor girl I don’t knowhow to feel about her, because I feel like she’s laying on way too thick-
SARAH: Oh yeah.
KAYLA: And the longer he doesn’t show interest, she’s just like going for it even more?
SARAH: Going even harder.
KAYLA: I’m just like she just needs to stop (laughs).
SARAH: Okay, I have another one: “Am I the asshole for not inviting my brother to my wedding and telling my parents and sister that if they try to bring him they will all be asked to leave?”
SARAH: Tea. “I have an older sister and a younger brother. Growing up I was close to both my sister and brother. Then around high school my brother started flirting with girls I liked, even girls I was dating, ended up in a relationship with one of my ex's right after we broke up and then he ended up sleeping with my ex-fiancee while we were still toGETHER-”
KAYLA: (quietly) oh my god.
SARAH: “-and three months away from our wedding.”
KAYLA: This reminds me of the one from last time.
SARAH: It does, it does.
KAYLA: About the brother who dated the e-?
KAYLA: That was wild.
SARAH: “After that I cut him off. I said we were done, he was dead to me and I no longer had a brother and never would again.”
KAYLA: Wow! Why does this keep happening, this is like the exact same situation, why does this keep happening to people?
SARAH: It is, it really is. “It's been 7 years and I'm engaged again. My wedding is actually this January. It's small, intimate, with our closest friends and family. But my parents and sister are upset my brother didn't get an invite.”
SARAH: “I told them he was not welcome. They said he's still my brother. I said no. He stopped being my brother a long time ago.”
SARAH: “He reached out via social media and asked if we could let the past be in the past and move on. That he had always regretted what he did, that he knows he treated me shittily, but he has changed so much throughout his 20s and wants to make amends. I blocked him and didn't reply.”
KAYLA: Oh my god.
SARAH: “My sister said she would just bring him as her plus one if I won't be the bigger man. I told her and my parents, they were there during this, that if any of them bring him with them I will make sure they all leave and they will not be welcome back to the wedding. That I am serious about this. They are saying I'm an asshole and if I'm happy I should be open to reconciling. Am I the asshole?”
KAYLA: Here’s- Okay. This is interesting because as my sister has been planning her wedding me and my family have been having a lot of conversations about wedding guest lists and-
SARAH: My sister too! Oh my god, both of our sisters are getting married.
KAYLA: Wow. We’re old. Um.
KAYLA: So, we’ve had a lot of debates, especially between the younger and older members of our family about who deserves an invite.
KAYLA: Is some like great-aunt that you’ve never met, but who’s close with your grandma kind of, need an invite?
KAYLA: To me? No. I think that kind of stuff is stupid. I’ve gotten into some fights with family members about this-
KAYLA: Even though it’s not my wedding coming up. Anyway.
SARAH: Or like in this situation of a queer wedding, is this person whos very close to a person that matters to me, but is homophobic, should we even bother inviting them to begin with?
SARAH: Like should we be the bigger person and invite them and let them turn it down or...?
KAYLA: Yeah I mean I think wedding guest lists easily the most dramatic part of a wedding.
SARAH: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
KAYLA: Like people refusing to come that you want to come. People like this people I don’t want you to come, I just like, my philosophy on wedding guest list is this is a party for you.
KAYLA: And your person. And to me, there should be no obligation of like, well if we don’t invite this person they are going to feel bad, or they are going to feel left out.
KAYLA: To me, I don’t care.
SARAH: Yeah. If you didn’t invite me to your wedding, I’d be like what the fuck. But this isn’t one of those situations. I guess it is like, this is a sibling. But they haven’t fucking talked in 7 years.
KAYLA: Yeah and something happened, it wasn’t like he wasn’t invited just for shits and giggles.
KAYLA: Like to me, like do I think it would be healthy for this person to maybe have a conversation with their brother? Probably.
KAYLA: But I’m not their therapist!
KAYLA: And I’m not going to make them go through that family trauma on what is supposed to be a very important day.
SARAH: Yeah. And I think the thing that is bothering me most, if the brother was just reaching out and being like “Hey I’m sorry for what I did, I want to make amends” without the ulterior motive of the wedding because it seems like he’s doing this just to get invited to wedding-
KAYLA: Yeah, like why didn’t this-
SARAH: It doesn’t seem genuine.
KAYLA: Why didn’t this brother reach out in any of the seven years prior.
KAYLA: It almost feels like the parents are pressuring the brother to be like-
KAYLA: “You need to reach out to him so you can get into the wedding.”
SARAH: Like if he really cared about making amends, then that message would have said, you know “I understand that I’m not welcome at your wedding, but I do want to try and improve our relationship going forward,-”
SARAH: “I understand that you may not change your mind on inviting me, but I still want to see if we can be back in each other’s lives” like that is how you approach that.
KAYLA: Well yeah, when you are the person who did wrong you kind of need to let the other person do whatever they want on their terms, you don’t get to tell them-
KAYLA: “Here is how you should forgive me”
SARAH: And this brother did things wrong, repeatedly.
SARAH: He slept with- with OPs fiancee three months from their wedding.
KAYLA: That’s liiiiterally batshit!
SARAH: Like are you kidding?
KAYLA: SO yeah. That’s...
SARAH: I also think, honestly the parents and the sister, if you- the wedding is not about you.
KAYLA: Right, but that's the whole- that’s the thing about this is the fight I got in with my dad, is he was saying from his point of view, weddings are a family event, it's not just about the people getting married, it’s also like the people who helped raise them to bring them to this point, but I was like “but dad that makes it seem like these people raised me just to get married-”
KAYLA: “And now they get to like look at the fruits of their labor which is really-”
SARAH: And now they get to give you away. Now they get to give you away to a man.
KAYLA: Which I don’t think is what he meant to say, but-
KAYLA: But I think that’s one of the weird institutions of marriage to me, is the family aspect. Obviously, the people who are important to you should be going, but I don’t know that it has to be thought of as the merging of two families like it used to be.
SARAH: There certainly is a family aspect, but in my opinion, the people getting married get to decide who that family is.
KAYLA: Yes, it does not have to be biological.
SARAH: Yeah and so maybe it was a bigger family thing when this- when OPs parents got married, but just because it was done one way at your wedding doesn’t mean that it has to continue being that way for the rest of time and if you don’t like that get over it.
KAYLA: Maybe we should do a whole episode on weddings. I’m realizing I have a lot of thoughts on weddings.
SARAH: I know it gets really complicated when the parents are paying for the wedding.
KAYLA: There’s just so many horror stories I’ve heard about weddings.
SARAH: But it doesn’t seem like the parents are paying for this wedding? I feel like that would have come up.
KAYLA: Yeah. Wild.
SARAH: And they said it's been seven years and they’re engaged again, which leads me to believe that-
KAYLA: They’re like older.
SARAH: this person is at least like thirty.
KAYLA: Yeah they’re not like… I might have- I have a funny one for you.
KAYLA: Comment down below if we should do an episode on weddings. “Am I the asshole for applauding my neighbor’s quote nighttime activities?”
KAYLA: “A few nights ago my wife and I were woken up by the neighbors in the apartment above ours very explicitly and loudly trying to expand their family.”
KAYLA: It’s very funny.
SARAH: Did they know it was explicitly for family expansion?
KAYLA: I don’t know, but it’s a very funny euphemism and I love it either way. “They must have been going at it for an hour, and it was fairly frustrating as I had the work — had to work the next day.” That’s a long time. “After they were done I played an applause track through my Bluetooth speaker held up to the ceiling to try and make them aware of the relative thinness of the floor.”
KAYLA: “I found out today that they have reported me to management for harassment. So Reddit, am I the asshole?”
SARAH: Harassment?! They were harassing you by fucking SO loudly!
KAYLA: (laughing)That’s what I’m saying!!
SARAH: Oh my god, you’re not the asshole.
KAYLA: This person- wait, where did this comment go… “Not the asshole. I think I would’ve done the same thing, while the other half would’ve been doing his best Mortal Kombat “Finish Him!!” impression at the top of his lungs… Either that or making noises to join in with them!!”
SARAH: That is so fucking funny. I mean, on what standing does this couple think they have like OH the harassment complaint? You know what I’m going to come back with? You were fucking so loudly in the middle of the night and I just wanted to make you aware of the fact that you were disturbing other people. I could’ve made a noise complaint, but I didn’t-
KAYLA: Oh yeah the person- the poster could’ve- now there’s just a ton of stories in the comments of people doing similar things. This person said, “One of our friends actually did this to his best friend. He was getting it on with his girlfriend and we were all home and could clearly hear them. My friend decided to wait until the screams got louder bust the door open and in his best Mortal Kombat voice did the “FINISH HER” everyone laughed their ass off including them”
SARAH: Aaaaaaa! Oh my god, that’s so funny. (laughs) You definitely have to have the right kind of relationship with your friend for that to go off well, but oh that’s very funny.
KAYLA: I’m trying to remember which of our friends it was, but I think they were in a condo or something one time that was kind of circular, so there was a person like across the courtyard fucking-
SARAH: It was Miranda. It was her parents’ place.
KAYLA: It was Miranda. And they were fucking with the window open so you could all hear. So they had to open the window to the courtyard and yell across like “Can you please not”.
SARAH: Can you please just shut the window or something.
KAYLA: ‘Cause it was almost like purposefully, let’s leave the window open. ‘Cause here’s my thing about this, public sex, I understand that it’s some people’s thing.
SARAH: If you’re an exhibitionist make sure everyone else there has consented to being the audience!
KAYLA: Right. I feel like there’s ways to do public sex where you’re not actually disturbing anyone else, you know?
SARAH: Yeah, yeah.
KAYLA: Anyway, that one was just silly.
SARAH: Or- or, if you’re disturbing other people, they can easily leave. This person is in their fucking house.
KAYLA: Right what are they gonna do, leave in the middle of the night? One time I was um woken up in the middle of the night by someone in the apartment below me fucking, but it was like the literal middle of the night, so I was like are you just still awake? Did you wake up in the middle of the night and decide it was time to fuck? Like?
SARAH: No I think OPs a genius-
KAYLA: I think so too.
SARAH: and the loud fuckers are annoying.
KAYLA: They clearly have no sense of humor, my guess is they were just super embarrassed and that was all they could think to do about it, but obviously they have no sense of humor.
SARAH: If you’re that fucking embarrassed why would you tell more people that it happened?
KAYLA: My— I think if this happened to me, first of all, I would be embarrassed, but I’d also go down and leave them some like cookies or something and be like “LOL sorry” Like I would just want to befriend them.
SARAH: Right or just be like “glad you enjoyed my performance”.
KAYLA: Right there’s like a funny way-
SARAH: Something cheeky like that!
KAYLA: A funny way to deal with this to make sure they aren’t mad at you, to like apologize, you know?
SARAH: “Am I the asshole for calling my dad's girlfriend his mistress?”
KAYLA: (laughs) okay.
SARAH: “My mom died of brain aneurysm 2 years ago. She was 39 at the time.” (quietly, bewildered) how young is this person? “She and dad, Ben 42 male”
SARAH: Gettin’ all the details, we’re gettin’ all the details.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: Why did you even need to name your dad? They don’t ever refer to him as Ben ever again.
KAYLA: Well. Just so we all know.
SARAH: “They were no longer together before she died because dad had an affair with his work colleague, Amanda 37 female.”
KAYLA: Put it out there. Put those names out there.
SARAH: (laughs) “They were getting a divorce but mom died before it was finalized. I was 18 when mom died and to be honest I resented my dad-”
KAYLA: Wow wait! So the mom died when she was 39?
SARAH: Yeah. So she had-
KAYLA: And 18?
SARAH: the kid when she was 21.
KAYLA: That’s so young. Okay.
SARAH: Um “so I was 18 when mom died and to be honest I resented my dad because of the heartache he caused my mother and I blamed him for her death.”
KAYLA: Yeah fuck that guy!
SARAH: Fuck that dude. “After mom's funeral I refused to talk to him until recently he contacted me and we started to reconnect. He and Amanda are still together and I have started to accept their relationship because I saw how happy my father is with her. Last month dad informed me that he and Amanda had gotten engaged and he wanted to let me know first before he shares the news to everyone. I told him I am happy for them. Last week they had an engagement party where they invited some of our relatives and friends. During the toast, dad said something like ‘I just can't wait to marry the perfect woman. I thank God for giving me the love of my life after all those years that I wasted with someone else.’”
KAYLA: (vocalizing) AaAAAaaaA~ HHHhhhhHH~
SARAH: “I walked out of the room after hearing what my father said. He basically considered his marriage to my late mother a 'waste of his time'.”
KAYLA: That is-
SARAH: “It broke my heart and I wanted to leave right away”
KAYLA: You can’t say-
SARAH: I can’t believe that you would say that with your child there.
KAYLA: You can’t say that- Okay. Saying that about someone who’s still alive that you divorced...maybe.
KAYLA: But also like maybe not if your kid is there and they have a good relationship with the other parent?
KAYLA: But like she’s DEAD dude!
SARAH: If they were like the hugest asshole, if they abused you, yeah, go- go- go off.
KAYLA: Yeah if it was a clearly terrible marriage, but he was the one that did something wrong in the marriage, first of all.
SARAH: Yeah. And she’s dead.
KAYLA: And not saying that she’s perfect, but she’s literally dead. Like what does it do for you to insult a dead person in front of their son?
SARAH: I'm- I’m not one to be like (nasal voice)“don’t speak ill of the dead even if they’re an asshole because they’re dead and they can’t defend themselves” No. If they were an asshole, go ahead and be honest about the fact that they were an asshole, but this woman doesn’t seem to have been an asshole.
KAYLA: There’s no… Oh my god, what a dick.
SARAH: Okay so, “He basically considered his marriage to my late mother a 'waste of his time'. It broke my heart and I wanted to leave right away but dad's friend, my godfather, and Amanda followed me.”
KAYLA: Um Amanda? Stay in your lane. Please.
SARAH: (laughs) “Amanda said that dad wants me to give a message but I told her I can't do that and I need to go as I feel sick. My godfather tried to convince me to stay and say a few words, I got tired of holding my anger in and I just said ‘I have no good words to say about my cheating father and his mistress. I need to go.’ Amanda got angry with me and called me an asshole and I need to get over the past. I didn't even say anything and just left them behind. I was with my boyfriend who picked me up when dad called and he was very furious with me.” The dad was furious, not the boyfriend.
KAYLA: Yeah I’m sure the boyfriend was like, “go you”.
SARAH: Yeah. “Apparently what I said made Amanda cry and he's now demanding an apology.”
SARAH: (laughing) “He also accused me of ruining his engagement party. I told him I could have made a scene but I didn't and there is no way I am apologizing for stating facts. Am I the asshole? Did I overreact and ruin their party? My boyfriend said he understands how I feel but my grandparents (dad's side) are disappointed with me for overreacting and calling Amanda a mistress.” Here’s the thing with this. If— When we were at the point where they were starting to reconcile and she told them they were happy for them, or I guess we don’t know the gender of OP, but at that point I was like “okay, maybe you are the asshole for calling her his mistress” but then after hearing what the dad said? No, you’re not the fucking asshole.
KAYLA: No, like if - eh- eh (wheezes)
SARAH: The father is demanding an apology but-
KAYLA: He started it!
SARAH: He should fucking apologize to the kid for what he said about their dead fucking mother, in front of a crowd!
KAYLA: In front of a crowd of family!
KAYLA: That is so disrespectful, to this child, who like obviously loved their mom, and who-
KAYLA: -died when they were super young, which is incredibly traumatic?
SARAH: Yeah! And he fucking cheated on her and then she died.
KAYLA: And right after the started reconciling, this is what you’re gonna pull, and you think it’s gonna- like your relationship is probably very fragile at the moment-
KAYLA: ‘cause you just reconciled. Like what the fuck?
SARAH: It seems to be that he obviously cares way more about his mistress, Amanda, than he cares about his child.
KAYLA: Well- ye, yes.
SARAH: And that’s clear to me.
KAYLA: The first priority should be the child.
KAYLA: In my mind. That is insane.
SARAH: Yeah. And just in the comments, people are being like there was no reason to mention his first marriage at all-
SARAH: He could’ve just talked about Amanda and how happy he was to marry her. And then someone was like Amanda WAS his mistress, literally. (laughs)
KAYLA: No, like it’s true!
SARAH: It’s objectively true.
KAYLA: I just don’t understand why anyone would mention a previous marriage at like an engagement party or at a wedding for your next marriage-
KAYLA: Unless you have like a really good relationship with your ex-
KAYLA: And you can joke about it or something? Like you’re still good friends or co-parents or whatever.
KAYLA: But like she’s super dead!
SARAH: You cheated on her and she’s dead. And your child is 20 years old and they lost their fucking parent-
KAYLA: Wait. The kid is 20?
KAYLA: Meaning that it's only been 2 years since the mom died?
SARAH: Yeah it said - the begi- the first line is “My mom died of brain aneurysm 2 years ago.”
KAYLA: bROOOO! I thought it was like longer than that for some reason! That is extra not okay.
KAYLA: It’s only been TWO YEARS. Oh. My. God.
SARAH: And like this is the same person that he cheated on her with.
KAYLA: Amanda? You need to move on to someone better.
SARAH: Stay in your lane.
KAYLA: The fact that Amanda would go after this kid. Like Amanda has no relationship with this kid.
SARAH: Like imagine being this motherfucker Ben and being like, “you know my child went through so much, uh they’re parents marriage was ripped apart because I cheated on their mother and then their mother died. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna shit talk their dead mom at my engagement party where I’m getting married to the person I cheated on their mother with.”
KAYLA: It’s literally insane. Ben? Fuck you.
SARAH: Ben you’re a dick I hate you.
KAYLA: Yeah everyone hate Ben. Um, “Would I be the asshole if I filmed my neighbours advances towards my partner? I, female, have lived in our house with my partner, male, for the past 9 years. Living straight across the road from us is a middle aged couple. 5 years ago we started to notice the lady in the house opposite would stand at the upstairs window that looked directly into our kitchen which is at the front of our house. It felt like she was watching us but seemed harmless and we just laughed it off as we couldn’t really be sure she was looking at us. 2 years ago my partner told me that she had been at the window again and had tried to beckon him over with her hand. He had spent the day worried that she was in trouble and needed his help. However I was more suspicious and thought it sounded as if she was being flirty or trying to initiate something. It felt weird, but again we just brushed it off. Since then I haven’t seen her and mentioned this to my partner. He looked confused and said he sees her all the time and still feels like she is watching him in the window, sometimes he suspects she isn’t fully dressed either. He’s admitted it’s making him uncomfortable so he acts like she isn’t there and gets on with what he’s doing in the kitchen. Today we were home together, he was washing up at the window and I was sat further back at the table where I couldn't be seen from the outside. I look out the window and she is standing there completely naked.”
KAYLA: “I alerted him-” In the window of her house, she’s naked.
SARAH: So she’s in her house and they’re in their house?
KAYLA: So this woman- yes. And her upstairs window looks into the window of their kitchen that’s above their sink I’m assuming. And she likes to stand there and look at this man. And this time, she’s standing in her window looking at this man naked.
SARAH: Buttass naked.
KAYLA: “I alerted him as he hadn’t noticed. We started laughing, trying not to look and talking about how weird it was as she must not have known she can be seen. She wasn’t looking at our house so we assumed she didn’t realise. However my partner walked out of view and she immediately began looking right into our window, obviously looking for him — I was still out of view. This happened a few times until I was 100% certain the show was for him and she was checking he was there. Now I’m wondering how often she does this without my partner noticing and the fact that she must hide away from me makes me even more uncomfortable. Over time her behaviour seems to have escalated and my first instinct is to set up a camera to catch her. If a man was exposing himself and watching me my partner would certainly be taking action, so I feel like- that - I feel like it should be taken just as seriously this way around. However, pointing a camera at somebody else’s house doesn’t seem particularly right or legal. We are not going to talk to her boyfriend as he is a big guy and I can imagine her turning it around on my partners and the boyfriend starting a fight. We are going to get a blind fitted so my partner can block her view when he notices her. However, in case anything else happens video evidence would be needed otherwise it becomes a case of he said, she said but feel like filming her would make me just as bad as she is.” (croaks) Bruhhhhhhh.
SARAH: That’s actually really interesting because like there is a moral and legal question...
SARAH: Of whether or not you can film her, and I think you can.
KAYLA: My… I also think you can, because… it is not illegal to have a security camera outside of-
KAYLA: your house that happens to look— like my landlord lives across from me and has security cameras outside of his house and one of them does point at my house, which is actually nice because when the local children put firecrackers outside of my house he can tell me what happened.
KAYLA: I don’t think it’s - it’s like not illegal to have a Ring camera or one of those things and happen to film people.
SARAH: And I think — yes this woman is on her own private property, however, she is… clearly… like making herself very visible to those who are not on her private property and I think it is in your, like, this is no different from just putting up a security camera on your house and honestly if you wanna be less- not fuck with the law as much, put it up in a way that is - it is a security camera, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah. Well-
SARAH: Rather than just being like (croaky menacing voice) “I’m gonna put this camera on my table and…” You know? (laughs)
KAYLA: A lot of the comments — and OP did comment again agreeing with these people — but people were saying if you film her you can’t really prove that she was doing it on purpose-
KAYLA: It could look like you were just filming someone through their window while they were naked.
SARAH: Right, yeah.
KAYLA: The OP came back and was like “Yeah I think it was just the heat of the moment and I wanted to do something, and I’m not gonna do it” but it is a very good point that if this was a man, this would be like I feel like taken very differently.
SARAH: Yeah. And I’ve remembered there being a court case one time about somebody who kept being naked in their house but where other people could see them, but I don’t remember how it was resolved. But also what the fuck is this woman’s problem?
KAYLA: Yeah well now people are saying -
SARAH: He clearly isn’t interested.
KAYLA: I know, and also she is dating the person, maybe they’re non monogamous or something, but ma’am this is clearly not the way to attract someone because he’s not acted on this at all.
SARAH: Yeah, yeah.
KAYLA: Some suggestions are to do blinds, where when you put them down they have a message on it to tell her to stop. (laughs) Some people have said-
SARAH: Fuck off!
KAYLA: getting one of those windows that’s like a mirror so like you can’t, she wouldn’t be able to see in or something?
KAYLA: Oh my god they have kids!
KAYLA: These people have kids so like- and their son’s window.
SARAH: Wait, wait, wait. Wait wait wait. So the couple-
KAYLA: The couple that was being harassed has children.
SARAH: Has children.
KAYLA: And the son’s window is at the front of the house so he could just look out and see a naked person. Umm... What the fuck? Anyway, I probably wouldn’t film because all the reasons the commenter people have said-
SARAH: Yeah I wouldn’t-
KAYLA: Like the legality and such. But you also aren’t the asshole, this lady is insane.
SARAH: Yeah I wouldn’t actually film it, but if you did film it I don’t- I think legally you’d probably be okay.
KAYLA: Yeah, I’m not a lawyer. I don’t know.
SARAH: Neither am I. Let’s do one more, I’m trying to find a good one.
SARAH: “Am I the asshole for telling my coworker that it's not my fault that she's single when she said that it's not okay for my husband to send me gifts at our workplace?” (laughs)
KAYLA: That is very funny.
SARAH: Okay. “I think I should clarify that he does not show up to my work to deliver the gifts in person, he usually sends me breakfast because I can't have breakfast early in the morning, so when he goes to work he stops by my favorite cafe and he orders what he knows I like and tells them where the order should be delivered. The owners are his friends so he gives them the notes to be delivered with the order. And last but not least, I receive the order at the entrance, nobody receives the order for me, that's why I don't understand what bothers her so much. Also, it bothers her that I put photos of my children and my husband on my desk-”
SARAH: “which doesn't even make sense because those photos are on my side of the office, sadly this is not the first time she says that I am being unprofessional”
SARAH: “— for her having photos of your children in the office is not professional —”
SARAH: “so I don't know how I should act to please her-” OH. Hold on, hold on — this just got so spicy.
SARAH: “My, 26 female, husband, 50 male,” There’s a 22— 24 year age difference, that they just didn’t mention at the top.”
KAYLA: Okay, interesting.
SARAH: An interesting added spice.
SARAH: So, “he sends me gifts at work every day since we started dating, he usually sends me a rose and a coffee with a note wishing me a good day or just a note telling me that he loves me, sometimes he also sends me chocolates or food from my favorite restaurant, etc.” So he does breakfast and [unintelligible]?
KAYLA: Can I marry this man?! Jesus Christ.
SARAH: (laughs) “He's a very romantic and attentive man and I love that but my coworker, 40s female, doesn't like it at all. Yesterday he sent me some croissants and a coffee with a note saying he loved me, and when my coworker saw it she said I should tell him to stop, that it's not appropriate to receive gifts every day and another coworker told her that she was being bitter and that it's nice to have such a loving husband, that since I'm pregnant it was understandable that he spoiled me so much, but she insisted that it is not appropriate in any way, and that if he doesn't stop she will talk to our boss, she said she will tell him that she feels uncomfortable and that I'm not being professional enough and that she wants another officemate.”
KAYLA: What the fuck?
SARAH: “And that made me so mad because I'm professional enough, the things my husband sends me don't bother anyone, and they're not a distraction to me either but according to her they are. So I told her that it is not my fault that she is single and does not receive anything from anyone,”
KAYLA: Oh my god. (laughs)
SARAH: (laughing as she reads) “that maybe if she were not so bitter someone would send her at least a coffee, and she got angry and now she told everyone that I was rude and that if I don't apologize, she will talk to HR to see ‘what they can do with me’, when I told her that I didn't think of being single as a bad thing, I only said it because she sounded like an envious person, that's all, but apparently what I said hurt her. Am I the asshole?”
KAYLA: (laughs) How old is this person again?
KAYLA: I’m— this is so funny. I mean like if it was grand gestures every day—
SARAH: Yeah that would be obnoxious.
KAYLA: Or a giant thing of balloons, or if he was coming in… but like-
SARAH: OR a huge thing of flowers. If it really disrupts the office— do I think this is absolutely overkill? Yeah, I do think it’s really fucking overkill. And if I were OP I would honestly be annoyed. But I am not OP, and it doesn’t seem to be disrupting anything in a significant way.
KAYLA: Like if she’s the one going down getting the delivery, that’s no different from someone who orders lunch every day and gets it delivered.
SARAH: Right! Yeah!
KAYLA: It is not— like people with kids like get phone calls at work all the time, of like “hey mom I frowed up”. Like—
SARAH: It blows my mind that this coworker is like (nasal) “it’s unprofessional~”
KAYLA: I wonder, if part of it is like, is the age difference or something. Like if this woman is older than her, and closer to the age of this man-
KAYLA: And if she is maybe a bitter, jealous person-
KAYLA: If that’s like part of it?
SARAH: (sighs) I- this is wild to me because...
KAYLA: Literally it’s none of this woman’s business, she’s crazy.
SARAH: The conclusion is that everyone sucks. I don’t know if I agree with that.
KAYLA: I don’t see how the OP sucks?
SARAH: I think what OP said-
KAYLA: I mean it was a little mean of her to say that, but like... (laughs)
SARAH: I think what OP said was harsh, and maybe a little mean, but I don’t think it was unwarranted.
KAYLA: No like if she- if this lady was being rude to her-
KAYLA: And threatening to talk to her boss which is like a big threat-
KAYLA: Then yeah what she said was a little rude-
KAYLA: But what is she gonna do? Take a slap in the face? No, she was standing up for herself
SARAH: She also that like, you know, “I didn’t think of single as being a bad thing, I just said it because…”
KAYLA: I wanted to insult you! (laughs)
SARAH: Yeah like! Yeah, and yeah, no I actually don’t think the OP is the asshole in this situation. Also, okay, so you already have children and you’re pregnant and you’re 26? How long-
KAYLA: Well they could be step kids.
SARAH: have you been married? Okay, that’s fair they could be step kids. But I just… it’s- I don’t think she’s the asshole.
KAYLA: Unless she’s not telling the full story and does walk around the office flaunting this stuff...
KAYLA: I really don’t see how she could be at fault.
SARAH: Right. Yeah, maybe OP should just suck it up and apologize, but I don’t know her coworker...
KAYLA: She could apologize for saying that, but I don’t think she should apologize for being upset about it.
KAYLA: Cause like...
KAYLA: That’s wild.
SARAH: I mean saying that it's not her fault that she’s single and doesn’t receive anything from anyone and that maybe if she wasn’t so bitter someone might send her a coffee, that’s just objective truth. (laughs)
KAYLA: Yeah, that’s just like yeah! Maybe if she wasn’t such a bitch someone would send her a gift.
SARAH: Ohh my— Yeah, what about having photos of children on the desk as unprofessional?
KAYLA: That is—!
SARAH: I have a fucking BT21 RJ that sits— stares over me at my computer, is that unprofessional?
KAYLA: Padya who is podfriend-
KAYLA: -we used to work together, and on their desk had a picture of a them and a professional wrestler that they liked, like is that unprofessional?
SARAH: When I started my job I rolled up to the office and found that there was a picture of Phoebe Waller-Bridge as Fleabag, a sticker, on my desktop, like attached to my desktop.
KAYLA: We, in my old office, used to have a picture of BTS just hanging in the office.
SARAH: Oh we also have BTS that I think they’re going to get added, my coworker got some stickers so I think we’re going to put them next to Fleabag.
KAYLA: Exciting! Anyway… Literally insane.
SARAH: Wowie, wowie, wowie. Okay. Well, that’s our pod for this week. Kayla, what is our poll?
KAYLA: I think that one could be a poll. That last one. Who is the asshole?
SARAH: The last one, is OP the asshole. Is OP an asshole. Yeah that’s interesting.
KAYLA: I just don’t think they are.
SARAH: I think they were maybe a little out of line, but not an asshole in the grand scheme of things. Kayla, what is your beef and your juice this week?
SARAH: Can I start? I didn’t write it down and I just need to-
KAYLA: Yeah. (laughs) Okay.
SARAH: My- my both beef and juice is that there has been way to much fucking BTS content in the past several days, it’s been so overwhelming. They were in the United States, they’re back in Korea now. But, they- there was too much fucking shit going on, and it was overwhelming and I- I lost my mind about a pair of pants when I was supposed to be working-
KAYLA: I know, I was there.
SARAH: You know, it is both my beef and my juice, you can’t do this to me.
KAYLA: It’s crazy.
SARAH: Please! Give me warning. You owe me reparations!
KAYLA: ‘Kay, interesting.
SARAH: That’s all.
KAYLA: Umm, my beef and juice is berries and cream. Um. At first it was funny, on TikTok, all the berries and cream remixes and now is ruining my life-
SARAH: It’s gotten out of hand.
KAYLA: because there’s so many of them. Um, my other-
SARAH: Kayla sends them all to me.
KAYLA: Trus- I’ve stopped. At one point I sent every remix I found to Sarah, but now I’m not doing that because there’s just too many. My other juice is that me and Sarah get to hang out!
SARAH: Hell yeah!
KAYLA: If you are listening to this right now we are together!
SARAH: If you are listening to this live and in concert we are together. We are flying tomorrow. Pod moms, Podmoming. Back at it again. Um you know, it’ll be the first time I’ve seen you in person without a mask on since 2019.
KAYLA: Wow what if I don’t have a face anymore?
SARAH: I thought you were gonna say what if you don’t take your mask off?
KAYLA: I’ll definitely take the mask off. It's uncomfortable after a while.
SARAH: (sighs) We’re having a little writing retreat because we’re really fuckin’ behind on our book.
KAYLA: Yeah, we’re going to Austin. We’re staying in a very cute RV that I insisted we stay in because it’s very cute.
SARAH: Yeah Kayla was like we must stay in an airstream. And I was like fine.
KAYLA: It is the cutest and it has a hot tub!
SARAH: It is cute. There is a hot tub.
KAYLA: I’m sure we’ll be posting Instagrams and such, but I’m very excited. And then Sarah and I- we’re gonna see each other again in October-
KAYLA: For secrets.
SARAH: Are you gonna be in Michigan for Thanksgiving?
KAYLA: I have no idea. Who’s to say. What a fun reunion.
SARAH: For secrets! Um, cool. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, or your secrets on our socials @soundsfakepod we also have a Patreon-
KAYLA: (Gasps) I just had the best-
KAYLA: idea for an episode!
KAYLA: What if we just have people send us their secrets anonymously and then we read their secrets? Is that good?
SARAH: And then we judge them for their secrets.
KAYLA: I think that’s kinda good?
SARAH: I think it’s delightful.
KAYLA: Yeah, I’ll write it down.
SARAH: Um patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $5 patrons that we are promoting this week are: John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie, MattiousT, and Chris Lauretano. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are: Mattie who would like to promote gender euphoria, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow of heteronormativity (menacing whisper) in support of: Melody, the Hamster who is scheming to do just that. Khadir who would like to promote cats named Gnocchi 'Feta' Fettuccine, and Potater who would like potatoes. Our other $10 patrons are: Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Anonymous, my Aunt Jeannie, Cass, Doug Rice, H. Valdís, Barefoot Backpacker, The Steve, Ari K., Changeling MX, DAVID JAY, The Stubby Tech, Simona Sajmon, Rosie Costello, Hector Murillo, and Jay. Our $15 patrons are: Nathaniel White , NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who’d like to promote free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Martin Chiesel who’d like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One Is, Leila who’d like to promote “Love is love” also applying to aro people, Shrubbery who’d like the Planet Earth, Sherronda J Brown who’d like to promote Shrubbery promoting the planet earth, Maggie Capalbo who’d like to promote heir dogs Minnie, Leia, and Loki, Andrew Hillum who’d like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline — I never fucking checked the messages — who would like to promote Dear Luke, Love, Me which did meet it’s funding goal!
SARAH: And Dragonfly who would like to promote Sherronda J Brown who’d like to promote Shrubbery promoting the planet earth.
SARAH: Our $20 patrons are: Sarah T who’d like to promote long walks outside, and HomHomofSpades who’d like to promote getting enough vitamin D on those long walks outside. Thanks for listening! Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears for the 200th TIME.
KAYLA: Oh shit! And until then take good care of your cows.