Hey what's up hello! For spooookkky Halloween, we're hitting you hard with why vampires, ghosts, ghouls, demons, etc are aspec!
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/why-vampires-are-asexual/aromantic
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KAYLA: It is a well known fact on this podcast and in the world that aspec people cannot owe anyone money.
SARAH: I’m so glad to hear you finally admit that openly and honestly in this space.
KAYLA: I know it’s taken me a really long time to catch on. Um, I was really hesitant at first. However, something that gets really dicey when you’re asexual and you cannot legally owe money, is when you have to pay a lot of money for things like college.
SARAH: Yeah that’ll really do ya.
KAYLA: Yeah, because they won’t really let you in, without paying the money you owe. But legally it's like…
SARAH: Yeah, but can you owe money?
KAYLA: You can be like this podcast told me I can’t and that’s a reputable source. So like what are you supposed to do about it, you know?
SARAH: Right. Yeah I’m wondering, I’m on the edge of my seat.
KAYLA: Well I’m so glad that you’re really excited to hear this because I have a- I have solved it. I have a solution.
SARAH: M’kay. Okay, okay.
KAYLA: For this ace week and for this month we are giving away a $500 college scholarship in partnership with Niche, so basically we’ve solved some of your problems with your owing money situation.
SARAH: We’ve essentially solved $500 worth of problems.
KAYLA: Yeah. Which is a fun time and a big deal.
SARAH: Hell Yeah.
KAYLA: We’re doing a $500 college scholarship for ace week, but it runs until November 30th and it's for high school and college students who need money and don’t wanna owe money.
SARAH: What do the kids need to do?!
KAYLA: All— Listen here — all you need to do is go to niche.college/aceweek and you just fill out a little form and then you’ve applied you don’t even have to do an essay.
SARAH: Wow! We love not having to do essays!
KAYLA: I know! So: niche.college/aceweek and it's really quick and then you can just go throughout the rest of your ace week and the rest of your month no problem and you can maybe win some money.
SARAH: Yeah we love winning some money! Niche.college/aceweek!
(transition music cut from the intro song)
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: … and a demisexual girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Vampires are asexual.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the Pod!
SARAH: I’ve lost my m’arbles.
KAYLA: (swooning voice) Oh! Oh no~
SARAH: I could make a Squid Game reference here, but it would make us all sad.
KAYLA: Okay, then we don’t need to do that.
SARAH: I’m glad we were both prepared.
KAYLA: Yeah we really did it to ‘em.
SARAH: Oh man, do we have any housekeeping?
SARAH: We were on Barefoot Backpacker’s podcast.
KAYLA: We were! The great...
SARAH: We mentioned it in the Kayla and Sarah from the future during the patrons of last week’s episode, but it was not in the main bad boy.
KAYLA: Yes. But yes we were! Barefoot Backpacker who you all know and love, and who if you don’t know and love, you should know and love-
KAYLA: We were on their podcast.
SARAH: This is the only instance where we should. You should know and love Barefoot Backpacker.
KAYLA: Yes. Other than that, I hope everyone had a good ace week! We’re still in the thick of it.
KAYLA: But you’ve just, you’ve just-
SARAH: You’ve just left.
KAYLA: You’ve just left it. Hope it was good.
SARAH: Hope you’re feeling well rested.
KAYLA: Yes. Am I? No, ace week is a time for no rest, only stress for me. But thank you to everyone who has said kind things about the scholarship we’re doing, even though ace week is over, it’s still running until November 30th.
SARAH: It sure is!
KAYLA: People have been really excited about it and a lot of people applied already, which makes me feel really good, because candidly, just between me and all thousands of you listening― our little secret― I was a little sad we couldn’t do more money and I was a little worried people were gonna be like “who cares this isn’t enough money for me”, but people have been really excited about it and really grateful for it, and as they should be because $500 dollars in terms of college can still go a long way.
SARAH: Every amount of money helps.
KAYLA: True. So yeah, you still have November- until November to apply. Niche.college/aceweek is the correct URL.
SARAH: For everyone’s reference when we were recording the ad Kayla said the website wrong repeatedly, but didn’t realize until I was editing the ad and I was like “wait you said two different websites”
KAYLA: So I had to go in to do some audio engineering and try to match the intonation of my voice perfectly so it was the same up and down. So if you listen back to the ad-
SARAH: You did a nice job.
KAYLA: I thought so, but the ad is still running right now when you’re listening, which it may or may not, so if you listen to every time I say the URL it’s actually Kayla at a much later time several days later, very late at night-
SARAH: - later -
KAYLA: uhh, doing that.
KAYLA: Separately and then audio engineering it.
SARAH: I have a question. Does everyone at the company call it Niche (<<pronouncing it as nitch)?
KAYLA: Yes, and it’s a whole thing.
SARAH: Because I would pronounce that Niche (<< pronouncing it as neesh).
KAYLA: You and everyone else. Yeah, it's something we’re working to reckon with because yeah. I- when I say the word in my daily life as not the brand or the company -
KAYLA: - I say niche (neesh), but yeah it's a whole thing.
SARAH: I see.
SARAH: Moving on.
KAYLA: Last housekeeping that I have, is that our friend Caroline who was on the pod to talk about Dear Luke, Love, Me is making a documentary!
SARAH: Hell yeah.
KAYLA: Which is very exciting because Caroline is very good at film and things and we need more documentaries BY ace people because some of the documentaries about asexuality are not it!
SARAH: Plblbtlhthh (idk like the blowing a raspberry sound)
KAYLA: Um so I posted it on our story today, but that doesn’t mean anything to any of you because it’s not today for you. Well I guess probably the easiest way to find it maybe is it go to Caroline’s Instagram which is click4― like the number four― caroline and go to the link in the bio or go to Ace of Hearts: an asexual documentary on Kickstarter so maybe it would come up that way.
SARAH: Cool! And hey, Caroline is a patron of this podcast which means by the transitive property, you must support-
SARAH: -Caroline. That’s definitely how that works.
KAYLA: I think so. I think that’s all the housekeeping?
SARAH: Great! Kayla? What are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: We are t- making it spooky because, well I guess spooky season just ended… but that’s okay.
SARAH: It’s Halloween! It’s Halloween!
KAYLA: That’s true, on the day this comes out. So we’re gonna throw it back to a Halloween episode we did two or three years ago where we talked about witches being asexual.
KAYLA: But today, we’re going to convince you-
SARAH: We’re going beyond witches.
KAYLA: We’re going to convince you that vampires and some other spooky monsters are also asexual.
SARAH: Beyond witches, it’s like beyond meat, but witches.
KAYLA: So- umm, I don’t know if it’s… first of all my cat is crying.
SARAH: I can hear it.
KAYLA: Yeah I’m sure everyone can. Also, I feel like it’s not like Beyond Meat because Beyond Meat is like a meat substitute and vampires are not a witch substitute.
SARAH: They’re both made of meat.
KAYLA: I just don’t know.
SARAH: Anyway! (laughs) Um yeah I- just the other day, I was like you know who’s pretty aspec? Vampires. And I was like can we make a whole episode about this? And then in classic Sarah form I accidentally wrote a manifesto...
KAYLA: So yeah probably. And I will say, I’m very interested to hear your points because as a newly made Twilight stan-
SARAH: (quietly) Oh my jesus...
KAYLA: I will just say it, because I was thinking about it earlier; there’s a lot of sex in Twilight which doesn’t mean that the characters having sex are not asexual because obviously asexual people can have sex.
KAYLA: BUT there are some specific things they talk about that insinuates not only sex, but strong sexual attraction. So I’m just very interested to hear what you have to say.
SARAH: Well, I’m gonna be upfront with you and tell you that I’m not familiar with the specific lore of Twilight. Um, I have seen the movie Vampires Suck which is a parody of Twilight.
SARAH: I have never seen or read Twilight.
KAYLA: I have not read it either-
SARAH: My mom has.
KAYLA: - I have seen it and loved it. Except that’s upsetting.
KAYLA: One of these days we will have to watch Twilight together because...
KAYLA: I think it’s important.
SARAH: Only if you watch Stick It with me.
KAYLA: I have watched Stick It with you.
SARAH: I don’t believe you.
KAYLA: You were there!
SARAH: (laughs) And I have the memory of a jellyfish.
KAYLA: Seems like your fault not mine.
SARAH: And is it the jellyfishes’ fault that they don’t have brains?
KAYLA: I mean who else's fault would it be?
SARAH: Alright. Vampires. They’re aspec! Now… They’re like-!
KAYLA: Wait! I have a question.
SARAH: (laughs) Okay.
KAYLA: Are you arguing for their asexuality? Or are you arguing for their aromanticism? Both?
SARAH: I think a little bit of both. I think, it is leaning more towards asexuality, but I think also-
SARAH: - we have a couple different topics here, and some of them are both aro and ace, a little more so― there’s some variety is my point.
KAYLA: Okay! Okay.
SARAH: So vampires. I think they’re very aspec. They’re kind of like, an ace who chooses to have sex just because they get horny sometimes, you know? I feel like vampires, they drink blood because they have to. And maybe sometimes they do enjoy it, but you know, not necessarily in the same way- I was about to say, there’s no one else who drinks blood.
KAYLA: I think mosquitos probably enjoy drinking blood.
SARAH: You’re so right. You’re so right the alternative is mosquitos.
KAYLA: But for what! Here’s the two vampire lores that I’m going from: 1, Twilight, obviously, 2, Dracula, and I feel like Dracula really did like drinking blood.
KAYLA: I do feel like he was pretty into it.
SARAH: It does vary from vampire to vampire.
KAYLA: Okay, okay.
SARAH: Not all vampires are gonna be exactly the same. Right?
SARAH: Like not all aces are exactly the same.
SARAH: But in general, I find vampires to be fairly non-discriminatory of blood they drink.
KAYLA: That’s fair.
SARAH: Like maybe they might prefer the blood of loner teenage girls.
SARAH: Maybe they prefer AB type blood. But blood is blood and they’re drawn to it in a I-need-to-deal-with-this kind of way, in a I-need-to-scratch-this-itch kind of way, rather than in a I-only-ever-drawn-to-O-Positive-blood-and-when-I’m-drawn-to-it-I’m-DRAWN-to-it kind of way, you know what I mean?
SARAH: M’kay. Now before I go into what accidentally became a manifesto, do you have any general thoughts and comments and concerns?
KAYLA: Um I think I already said mine, I think I’m just going to need to take some convincing because of I think how vampires have been portrayed in the media?
SARAH: But we know that the media is not an accurate-
KAYLA: I know but-
SARAH: - it’s not accurate.
KAYLA: I know but I think the media portrays vampires as very sexualized so I’m going to have some unlearning to do is what I’m saying-
KAYLA: -so I might be a bit hard to convince.
SARAH: That’s valid, that’s valid. Okay, so now we’re moving on to my accidental manifesto that no one asked for, but you’re getting anyway.
KAYLA: (laughs) Okay.
SARAH: Now, I know there is a HUGE problem here in terms of vampires having aspec vibes that I have yet to address and that problem, folks and dolts, and that problem is garlic bread.
SARAH: Now the relationship between vampires and garlic is notably fraught, but I also think it's oft misunderstood.
KAYLA: (laughs) Okay.
SARAH: So garlic bread is beloved in aspec spaces for those of you who don’t know, you know you got the cake, you got the garlic bread, those are the two― that’s our communion if you will.
SARAH: And what I would like you to know is that garlic does not kill vampires. It has been known to repel them, but not kill them.
SARAH: And I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of people who are lactose intolerant, but consume dairy anyway because it tastes good.
KAYLA: Almost every lactose person I know, consumes more dairy than anyone else.
SARAH: Precisely. they just do it anyway, you know? There’s-there’s- there’s - it’s a give and a take. Now, moreover, according to Vampedia-
KAYLA: Wow she did RESEARCH folks.
SARAH: (laughs) Um which can be found-
KAYLA: She’s CITING her SOURCES.
SARAH: -at vampires.fandom.com/wiki/garlic
SARAH: If you wanna see.
KAYLA: Thank you for citing your sources. It’s so important in the area of academics- of academia that we so often find ourselves in.
SARAH: Indeed. So according to Vampedia, in southern Slavic regions and southern eastern European regions, garlic was also known to protect from witches, demons, and even werewolves. So it wasn’t just vampires that were repelled-
KAYLA: I did not know that.
SARAH: -by garlic, it was also witches, demons, and werewolves. We have already established on a previous episode of this podcast that witches are profoundly aspec. If garlic were really such a powerful force against witches and vampires garlic bread would not have become a symbol of aspec communities in the way that it has.
SARAH: Do you have something to say?
KAYLA: No, I’m following.
SARAH: Okay, sounded like you were going to say something. Alright.
KAYLA: I was but then I thought about it and then I realized I had nothing to say.
SARAH: Okay. One more thing, alright. So in Hinduism and Jainism garlic is thought to stimulate and warm the body and increase one’s desires. Now-
KAYLA: Hate that.
SARAH: Now at face value, this doesn’t seem very aspec. But what we often fail to note is that it does not specify what type of desires.
SARAH: Perhaps the desire is for cake, or a nap or for more garlic bread. Now in some Buddhist traditions garlic is specifically noted to stimulate sexual and aggressive drives to the detriment of meditation practice, to which I say: sometimes eating garlic bread is a transcendental meditation in and of itself.
KAYLA: Oh. (laughs) I’m sorry I’m getting a little lost in where we are with vampires in this.
SARAH: Alright. I am getting there. I have- come on, I have a manifesto. Do you think I won’t get to that?
KAYLA: I mean knowing you, anything is possible.
KAYLA: Go on.
SARAH: Garlic, much like the vampires it supposedly terrorizes is a long gentle beast. In many cultures and going as far back as ancient Egypt it has been considered a plant of purity.
KAYLA: Where’s your source on that?
SARAH: This is all from Vampedia.
KAYLA: Wowie! OKAY! They went in on it.
SARAH: (laughs) My only source is Vampedia.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: So, uh, it is considered a plant of purity and what could be more pure than not having that pesky, pesky sexual attraction? What could be more pure than if you choose to have sex, having it just to have fun, not clouded by the trickster we call attraction? Something to consider. (sound of Kayla huffing/trying to hold back laughter in the background)
Now garlic is also known to ward off illness and disease. And in aspec communities what do we do? We encourage if you do have sex, to please have it safely. Our community wards off illness and disease in the form of condoms and regular STI testing and also Covid vaccines. In conclusion, I think that vampires and garlic should actually join forces. I think that they’re both misunderstood and misinterpreted. And for those vampires who still find themselves repelled by garlic, you’re welcome to sit this one out if you’re more comfortable with that. Or we can try to come up with a garlic alternative to Lactaid. (pause) That’s the end.
KAYLA: Okay. So what…?
SARAH: Questions, comments, and concerns?
KAYLA: I’m trying to figure out the thesis.
SARAH: The thesis is garlic― I literally just gave you the thesis. In conclusion: I think vampires and garlic should join forces because they’re both very aspec.
KAYLA: Right, but that’s much easier said than done.
SARAH: Okay. Do you have a better idea?
KAYLA: I mean no, it’s just that they’re allergic to garlic so we’re really going to need to start developing that Lactaid for garlic.
SARAH: There’s- there’s different opinions on whether it’s an allergy, whether it’s just a repulsion, whether you know, there are some situations where people say, “oh well that’s actually an old wives tale, vampires can in fact have garlic” So I think we need to find the most reliable source which is, in fact, Vampedia.
SARAH: And also this podcast.
KAYLA: This one? Okay.
SARAH: Yeah, yeah yeah. Sounds Fake But Okay Podcast. NOTED podcast about-
KAYLA: AWARD WINNING podcast.
SARAH: Sounds Fake But Okay AWARD WINNING podcast and your source for vampire and garlic facts.
KAYLA: What if we just turned into a vampire podcast?
SARAH: (laughs) I’m just saying… I think the vibes of vampires are very aspec and I think the vibes of garlic are very aspec and I think if they joined forces they could be unstoppable.
KAYLA: I’m just- currently, is there on vapeer- on Vampedia the origin of vampires?
SARAH: I’m sure… It's an entire wiki.
KAYLA: I’m just trying to- because-
SARAH: I’m also sure there’s a lot of origins.
KAYLA: Yeah I bet there’s a lot of stories and stuff, but... cause I feel like it’s similar to the argument we made for witches of them being misunderstood and persecuted and how that can kind of map on to the aspec experience. I feel like vampires, it could be very similar. Because everyone thinks they’re evil because “oh you kill all these humans”, but like the Cullens didn’t eat human blood.
SARAH: They do what they have to do. So do we!
SARAH: We fuckin’-- I’m just thinking about climate change now.
KAYLA: Isn’t there a thing with vampires that you can only kill them with a wooden stake?
SARAH: Yeah there’s also something like they can only come into your home if you invite them in.
KAYLA: So what is your-? Do you have any thoughts on that?
SARAH: My thoughts that are um that aspecs are hard to kill.
SARAH: And also that aspecs don’t always feel comfortable in queer spaces if they haven’t been explicitly invited in because they’ve been shown hostility.
KAYLA: Okay now that’s an actually very good point.
SARAH: Because they have been shown hostility by others and so we only feel comfortable entering spaces where we have been actively welcomed in and also where we don’t anticipate being stabbed with a wooden stake.
KAYLA: See now this feels like the most compelling argument that we have landed on because just the other day I was talking about with someone about how the reason you need to include the A in your alphabet salad acronym is that for a lot of aspecs if we don’t see the A it’s hard to decide to leave it off to shorten the acronym or are they actually exclusionary towards ace and aro people.
KAYLA: And so this is an argument I could get behind because often I think this is true, that if we do not explicitly know that like this queer space or organization or whatever, if they have not explicitly said that yeah we like them then my kind of default is to assume that they don’t like us because I’m a pessimist.
KAYLA: And so this is the most compelling argument we have landed on to be honest.
SARAH: Okay. How about this argument: Vampires: pale, me, an aroace: pale.
KAYLA: Okay that’s only one instance, which is not statistically significant.
SARAH: Are you saying that my experience as an aroace does not map perfectly onto every other person's experience?
KAYLA: I know shocking to hear and to reckon with but...
SARAH: That’s so upsetting.
KAYLA: I know, trust me I know.
KAYLA: Well I think we might need to put out a survey on that one. Like are you slightly see through? Do you come across as shiny in photographs?
SARAH: I do.
KAYLA: Do you look silly next to your friends because you look so white?
KAYLA: Does Kayla ever see you and think you’re wearing a white shirt, but that’s actually your skin?
KAYLA: That happened to Dean, I thought Dean one time was wearing a white shirt under his other shirt and was like “that’s weird to do”. It was just his pale little skin. I just attract the pales, I guess.
SARAH: I would like to move on to zombies.
SARAH: So, I know that vampires are the- you know, they drink blood because they have to, and maybe they sometimes enjoy it but it's something that they have to do to survive. I think zombies are way less aspec than vampires because they seem to be horny for brains all the time. They are literally, physically attracted to brains. They will do anything to get into the vicinity of brains, for even a chance for chomp. To take them down you always have to double tap. I don’t think zombies are very aspec at all.
KAYLA: You know for a second I was gonna disagree with you because in Twilight there are several vampires who are that way-
KAYLA: -where they’ll physically do anything to get the blood, but they aren’t all like that.
SARAH: Also I’m talkin about zombies!
KAYLA: I know but I was about to disagree with you that zombies are that much less aspec-
SARAH: Oh I see.
KAYLA: -in comparison. But I thought about it and you’re right and there is a spectrum of vampires from complete control to love human blood so much.
SARAH: With zombies-
KAYLA: I’ve never seen a zombie-
SARAH: -that spectrum doesn’t exist.
KAYLA: Yes. I’ve never seen a zombie that does not always want a brain. And they never seem to be full either, is the thing.
SARAH: No they always want more brains.
KAYLA: They never eat one mor- one brain and then they’re not like “Mm (smacks mouth) I’m gonna take a nap so full”
SARAH: They’re never full! They’re like “more brains, I need more brains”
SARAH: Yeah I don’t think they’re very aspec at all. They’re physically attracted to brains and they literally can’t stop themselves from trying to get the brains all the time.
SARAH: Ghosts are invisible. That’s extremely aspec.
KAYLA: That’s fair.
SARAH: That’s all I have to say on ghosts.
KAYLA: Um. What else do we have on ghosts? I mean ghosts is hard, I think, because they’re people.
SARAH: Mhm, but they’re dead.
KAYLA: Right but so it’s like, well what was the orientation of the person before they died? You would think they would maybe...
SARAH: This is actually not a super well-known fact, but when you die, if you become a ghost, if you weren’t already aspec, bi or pan, you do become aspec, bi, or pan because you have to be invisible to be a ghost.
KAYLA: Now that’s a very interesting point. Okay.
SARAH: So if you wanna haunt someone go for it but...
KAYLA: So it’s like you get to the gates of wherever you’re going and they say like “hey you can fill out an application to be a ghost and go haunt someone, but just so you know, to do this you then have to take on an invisible orientation”.
SARAH: Right. Usually it’s just kind of a random, you know, a random pull which one you get, but if you would like to request one you can, and they’ll see if that’ll be granted.
KAYLA: They’ll consider.
KAYLA: Maybe you could do a ranked list, like, you know-
SARAH: Yeah ranked choice voting.
KAYLA: -if I got to choose this one would be nice, don’t really wanna do this one...
KAYLA: Okay! But if you are already one of them do you get to keep it? What if you wanna change? What if you’re like, “I’ve been pan for a really long time, I’d like to try out being ace”
SARAH: I mean I think you could apply.
SARAH: I think if you are already one of the invisible uhh identities you probably default to keeping it, but if you would like to, you know, to ask to make a case-
KAYLA: Be on a waitlist maybe.
KAYLA: Okay, okay.
SARAH: Next is black cats.
SARAH: Now, black cats are pretty aspec. People are often afraid of them and they are known to accompany witches. They’re also often associated with death, and you know what aspecs are often wrongly associated with? A lack of procreation. A discontinuation of the family line, a.k.a., Kayla, death.
KAYLA: Uh okay.
SARAH: Now I live with a black cat so I have certain insight into this, and-
KAYLA: You have the inside- you’ve been doing up close research in the wild.
SARAH: Yes, and I think they’re very ace, because Bogey does like to bite me but it is definitely in an attacking sort of way rather than a sexual fetish kind of way, you know?
KAYLA: I should hope so, he’s a cat.
SARAH: Yeah! Also worth noting that aspecs-
KAYLA: (starts cracking up)
SARAH: (laughs) - also worth noting that aspec activists in our online community disproportionately have black cats. We are witches, they are our familiars.
KAYLA: I can get behind that, I think some of your reasoning is a little off! But I do get behind that their vibes are incredibly ace and or aro.
SARAH: They look great in purple and green.
KAYLA: They do! They go with the flags. Another like- usually black cats are disproportionately high in adoption centers, no one really wants them.
KAYLA: Like you said, people are kind of afraid of them.
SARAH: They’re associated with death.
KAYLA: They’re associated with death… which like I don’t know about that one still. The connection you made, there.
SARAH: I think it's bulletproof.
SARAH: You know what’s not bulletproof? Death.
KAYLA: I get- well when you started saying that aspecs have a connection with death I was like oh is it because people think that aspecs that ace and aro people die alone and that’s where we’re going with it?
SARAH: I think that’s another interpretation of it, I think that’s valid.
KAYLA: Okay, I’m still not sure on the validity of yours…
SARAH: Are you questioning me?
KAYLA: I just don’t-
SARAH: An aspec? About my argument?
KAYLA: I’m also aspec! I’m also aspec so-
SARAH: So we’re at a- we’re at a-
KAYLA: An impasse.
SARAH: We’re at an impasse (laughs).
KAYLA: Cause when you said that ace and aros are wrongfully accused of never procreating...
KAYLA: And never procreating equals death?? Is-
KAYLA: - I don’t think true. (laughs)
SARAH: I think-(laughs)
KAYLA: The absence of life-
SARAH: It’s the same-
KAYLA: The absence of life is not the same thing.
SARAH: What do you think-
KAYLA: You Sarah-
SARAH: What do you think-
KAYLA: You Sarah as someone who never intends to have a child-
KAYLA: -have not committed a murder by deciding this!
KAYLA: You are just not going to create life, you’re not actively taking it away! (laughs)
SARAH: All aspecs are serial killers (laughs)
KAYLA: (super high pitched) I just don’t THINK SO!
KAYLA: I just don’t think so.
SARAH: I mean... So are you saying the opposite of life is not death, the opposite of life is killing?
KAYLA: That is the argument that you made.
KAYLA: That’s YOUR argument.
SARAH: That’s what you said!
KAYLA: I’m saying that the opposite of life is not like... murder. (pause) I’m very confused. You have me very confused.
SARAH: Yeah, yeah you are confused (laughs).
KAYLA: I just don’t think that your argument- I don’t think that not having a child is equal to death!
KAYLA: That’s not- Not proactively-
SARAH: That’s how allos view it~
KAYLA: -creating life is not death, it’s just life that doesn’t exist in the first place! But for death to exist-
SARAH: Yeah but for the allos-!
KAYLA: No. For death to exist life had to have first existed before it. We’re getting very philosophical. So if the life never existed then the death DIDN’T HAPPEN. I rest my case.
SARAH: Are you saying I should go commit murder?
KAYLA: To make your argument stick? Yes.
SARAH: Okay BRB.
KAYLA: Okay. Make sure to take Bogey with you. He has to be there for it.
SARAH: Yes because he’s an omen of death. (laughs)
SARAH: Good. Next I have bats.
KAYLA: Okay! Can’t wait for this one.
SARAH: So bats are very aspec in that people are pretty scared of them, but actually they’re pretty harmless as long as you don’t infect them with a highly contagious disease.
KAYLA: And they also eat mosquitos so that’s pretty dope.
SARAH: And fruit sometimes.
KAYLA: Well I think that a good argument for this one too is that vampires turn into bats often?
KAYLA: So if a vampire is going to be aspec then obviously a bat is going to be aspec.
SARAH: I think another thing to consider is that aspecs do communicate via echolocation.
KAYLA: And we do sleep upside down. It’s a little known fact, but...
SARAH: You know what I remembered recently?
SARAH: Do you know the echolocation song?
SARAH: (sings) Echo, echo, echo, echolocation~! I remembered that recently from my childhood.
KAYLA: Never heard of that. Never heard of that in my life.
SARAH: I’ll send it to you.
SARAH: Uh we do communicate via echolocation, but yeah I do think that- we’re- aspecs like bats, are pretty harmless. And like yes we can spread infectious disease, but-
KAYLA: So can everyone else!
SARAH: - so can you! So what do you want us to do about it?
KAYLA: Take that.
SARAH: Good. Next is ghouls. I think-
KAYLA: What is a ghoul?
SARAH: Well, great question. I think ghouls are very aspec in that most people, myself included, don’t fully understand what they actually are.
KAYLA: That’s a good argument.
SARAH: But personally I do think the comparison ends there. I think just vibe-wise I don’t get strong aspec vibes from ghouls. I think ghouls are very hetero.
KAYLA: I’m looking up “what is a ghoul”. “An evil spirit or phantom especially one said to rob graves or feed on bodies” so I’m kind of getting like a mix of a ghost and a zombie maybe?
KAYLA: So it’s associated with graveyards and consuming human flesh. So I’m feeling that it’s basically just a zombie.
SARAH: I think that’s super het.
KAYLA: Here’s a google question “how do you become a ghoul?”. “When an evil spirit possesses a corpse”. So it's a different- they’re made in a different way than zombies.
SARAH: So they’re possessing. Okay.
KAYLA: But they do kind of the same thing as zombies.
SARAH: Where does the evil spirit come from?
SARAH: So like are you first an evil spirit? Like step one is you’re an evil spirit, step two is ghoul, can you go back to just being an evil spirit?
KAYLA: I mean, let me look. Uh..
SARAH: Or is it like you can’t reverse...?
KAYLA: “A hideous human-like monster that dwell in the desert” It originated from pre-Islamic Arabia, so that’s fun. “A monstrous creature that dwells in cemeteries feasting on corpses.”
KAYLA: But what is it???
SARAH: I don’t know it just sounds really het to me. Really cishet.
KAYLA: I just really would like to know what it is.
KAYLA: How do you become one??
SARAH: I don’t know. Next I have werewolves-
KAYLA: Nope I’m stuck on this now. I’m stuck, we’re staying here.
SARAH: (laughs) Come on. (snaps)
SARAH: Move faster.
KAYLA: No, I'm reading Wikipedia. “It lures people into the desert…”
SARAH: The desert.
KAYLA: “-to slay and devour them” Yes!
SARAH: I mean if it's from pre-Islamic Arabia.
KAYLA: “It also preys on young children” Okay so a ghoul from what I’m understanding is a mixture of all of these. It preys on young children, drinks blood, steals coins and eats the dead. So it is a vampire and a zombie and a ghost kind of?
SARAH: That is soo hetero, Kayla.
KAYLA: It’s so het of them.
SARAH: Imagine thinking you can have it all and just taking it.
KAYLA: That’s fair.
SARAH: It’s so het. So het.
KAYLA: “Is ghoul real?” (laughs) Oh, it's a movie.
SARAH: What is ghoul real (laughs)
KAYLA: It’s like (laughs). Okay, you can move on, but just know I will still be reading this and not paying attention.
SARAH: Well no, I need your help on the next one.
KAYLA: “How to become a ghoul?” Now everyone listen up.
KAYLA: “How to become a ghoul” from science.howstuffworks! “Where do ghouls come from? Rest assured the answer is grim. Scholars pur-” Scholars?! Okay.
SARAH: Of WHAT?!
KAYLA: Ghouls I guess.
KAYLA: There’s born ghouls. So ghouls-
SARAH: How are you a born ghoul if you have to possess a body?
KAYLA: Because when two ghouls have sex they have a baby ghoul.
SARAH: Wait a minute- (laughs)
KAYLA: I’m serious.
SARAH: When two ghouls love each other very much-
KAYLA: To be sure- Listen to me! Listen to me.
KAYLA: “To be sure both male and female ghouls exist” where’s the nonbinary ones? “And may even exhibit carnal desires-”
KAYLA: “but their sexual encounters rarely seem to result in offspring” sooo, but there is - there’s some books about the birth of a rail- of a ghoul-human hybrid.
SARAH: What I’m hearing is that ghouls- ghouls are not super fertile. Is what I’m hearing.
KAYLA: No. but this ghoul seemed to have sex with a human and had a hybrid so-
KAYLA: Then we have a creationist ghoul where an evil spirit-
SARAH: (quietly) creationist ghoul...
KAYLA: There’s an evil spirit— casual ghoul!-
SARAH: How do you be a casual ghoul? How can there be a casual ghoul?
KAYLA: All ghouls-
SARAH: Like wearing khakis?
KAYLA: All ghouls were once human-
SARAH: Business casual?
KAYLA: Yeah. So creationist ghoul is when the evil demon goes into the body I think.
KAYLA: A casual ghoul in some slacks, is that all ghouls are former humans who were like, really bad and so they rise as a ghoul after death and then… in others he or she becomes a ghoul after dining on human flesh. So I guess as a way to shame cannabilists and be like “well you’re a cannibal so now you’re gonna be a ghoul”
SARAH: So like zombies, but not just brains.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Like sometimes they want a tasty forearm.
KAYLA: Yeah. And then the pathogenic ghoul uhh is an infectious disease idea, kind of like a zombie or a vampire-
KAYLA: -where if you get bit by a ghoul-
SARAH: You get ghouled.
KAYLA: -you’re a ghoul. (laughs) you got ghouled!
SARAH: Yeah I got ghouled (laughs).
KAYLA: Got ghouled. So...
SARAH: (gurgles) Grble!
KAYLA: Still a lot of questions...
SARAH: Good luck transcribing that, I’m so sorry Raquel.
KAYLA: (deep voice) So sorry Raquel. Uh okay, you can move on now.
SARAH: Okay: Werewolves. I um wrote 6 question marks- wait I’m sorry that’s 5 question marks.
KAYLA: I do not think I get aspec vibes from werewolves because I do not get aspec vibes from dogs? Or wolves. Which I think are the most adjacent creatures. Like a cat I get very aspec vibes from a cat, but I do not necessarily get an aspec vibe from a dog.
SARAH: I do know- my, my gut instinct is just to say werewolves are trans. All of them.
KAYLA: Okay! Sure! (laughs)
SARAH: Uh, trans women, trans men, trans just nonbinary little babies?
KAYLA: Sure. Which is not to say they can’t also then be aspec, but...
SARAH: Certainly. But I think their main vibes are really more to do with gender.
KAYLA: Okay. Yeah because with all of these little goblins— OH goblins...
KAYLA: With all of these monsters that we’re talking about, any of them could be aspec, but we’re talking about their vibe as their collective.
KAYLA: As a cultural here is the… you know what I mean?
SARAH: No I do, yeah. So I think werewolves are more concerned about their gender identity right now, and maybe they’ll come to other aspects of their identity at a later time.
SARAH: But at the moment they’re focused on their gender.
KAYLA: Now goblins-!
KAYLA: I do feel like I get an aspec vibe from a goblin.
SARAH: That’s valid.
KAYLA: Is it because I describe both Sarah and myself as goblins often?
SARAH: I think that I don’t have a good grasp on goblins and I think that’s because goblins are often portrayed in a very antisemitic way...
KAYLA: That’s fair.
SARAH: So I don’t… those stereotypes just kind of sit in my head and I haven’t unlearned- like I’m aware of the stereotypes and I think they’re bad, but I haven’t been able to train them out of my brain yet, so it’s-
KAYLA: That’s fair.
SARAH: Obviously you could be a Jewish aspec, but I struggle to separate uh goblins from the horrible antisemitism with which they’re often portrayed enough in order to rate their aspec vibes.
KAYLA: That’s very fair, that’s very fair. Now I’m just looking at pictures of goblins.
SARAH: Okay. I have one more.
SARAH: And this one is actually staying on the gender train: demons.
SARAH: I think demons are more reminiscent of the concept of gender. Like, like they can truly take any form at all. Any. But there are a few standard ones that are deemed socially acceptable and I think we should be more accepting to demons of all varieties. Demons of all stripes. Demons of all backgrounds.
SARAH: And maybe like the werewolves, once they’re able to come to terms with themselves as demons, maybe then they can start thinking of other aspects of their identity.
KAYLA: Hey demons, ya boy!
SARAH: It’s me ya boy.
KAYLA: I can get behind it.
SARAH: That’s all I have.
KAYLA: Thank you so much-
SARAH: You’re welcome.
KAYLA: -for bringing this all to us Sarah.
SARAH: You’re so welcome.
KAYLA: I think we’re all much smarter now-
SARAH: Oh yeah.
KAYLA: - and we know a lot more.
SARAH: I think it’s excellent and you're welcome.
SARAH: Happy spooky Halloween.
KAYLA: And I’m so happy you did all that in depth research.
SARAH: A lot of- I’d like to thank the Academy and Vampedia.
SARAH: Without- without them, you know, I wouldn’t be here at all, I’d also like to thank my agent Erin.
KAYLA: Oh! Erin is the closest thing we have to an agent. That is fair.
SARAH: (laughs) Um, so, uhh thank you for joining our pod, — Nope I mean our poll
SARAH: Our poll for this week: What is the most aspec?
KAYLA: What might be fun, is there might be an emoji for each one of these. I know there’s a vampire and a zombie.
SARAH: There is a ghost.
KAYLA: There is a ghost! Hold-on I don’t want gifs— We got vampire, we got zombie! We got...
KAYLA: Ghosts. Bats.
SARAH: There’s a bat.
KAYLA: There is a bat, we’ll do a bat. Wow I love an emoji moment.
SARAH: Anyone who votes for zombies I have questions for you. I wanna know why you voted for zombie.
KAYLA: I do. After you vote I would like to hear everyone’s argument.
SARAH: Yeah just drop that in the comments.
SARAH: Kayla what is your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: Uhhhhhm. My beef is that hmmm.
SARAH: My beef is that whenever says her juice and her beef she does this thing where she says “My, pause, beef, pause”-
SARAH: “is, pause, that, pause,” and but she doesn’t say it again. Like she’ll just go into her beef from there, so I just have to edit out-
KAYLA: There’s no clean take.
SARAH: So I just have to edit out all these pauses.
KAYLA: Okay I’ll start trying to do a clean take for you.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: Will that make you feel better?
KAYLA: My beef is that I had to clean my house because it was incredibly dirty and gross, because my cats are very hairy.
KAYLA: And I have dark wood floors so you can see all of it all the time.
SARAH: I see.
KAYLA: I didn’t like that, I’m not a huge vacuum guy. My juice is that… I have a couple. My juice is that I have new glasses.
SARAH: Little bug. Little bug professor.
KAYLA: They make me look like a small bookworm.
KAYLA: I get to go on a trip.
SARAH: (whisper) a trip!
KAYLA: Which I guess is also a beef because I’ve been doing a lot of flying and I don’t love that. But I’m going to a music festival and its over Halloween weekend. I’m there right now if you’re listening and it’s over Halloween weekend so we’re doing costumes. I got a bunch of fun costumes.
SARAH: That’s what that-! That’s what that's for.
KAYLA: Yes, well. Yeah, I got a crown- back up- Okay another juice is that I am now a proud owner of an amethyst crystal headband crown. I did not mean to buy it but we went to this little artisan market over the weekend and there was this really nice lady who was selling lots of really nice jewelry and it was there. (sighs) And I just had to have it.
SARAH: Had to have it.
KAYLA: I just had to! So then I had to build an entire Halloween costume around it because...
KAYLA: I had to justify buying it so...
SARAH: I have another beef. I have another beef and my other beef is that. So I’m very lucky to be going to more than one BTS concert, they’re having 4 shows and ticketing was a shitshow, but I do have a ticket to see one of them straight up by myself.
SARAH: (laughs)Which is great and wonderful and I’m excited that I get to go to two, however, I only have one outfit prepared, and I’m becoming slightly stressed because...
SARAH: You have to look good.
KAYLA: Well I would recommend going to the mall for 4 hours and going to stores multiple times...
SARAH: 4 hours that sounds horrible.
KAYLA: Because that’s what I did to do my Halloween costume stuff. (laughs)
SARAH: That sounds god awful I’d rather die.
KAYLA: It wasn’t the greatest. I went into an incredible janky Spirit Halloween that was in the defunct Sears of the mall and there were 3 security guards there because apparently there had been some stealing issues or something and it was very dirty and very gross.
KAYLA: Just what you would expect from a Louisiana Spirit Halloween in a defunct Sears in the mall of Louisiana.
SARAH: Wow. Well I, um, I try not to buy new clothes too often, because...
SARAH: I don’t need them and it’s wasteful. So I’m considering my one outfit is Hobi Dior gender and then my other outfit is dad on vacation.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: That’s what I’m considering. My juice is um, hmm.
SARAH: My, my, my juice is… ramen.
SARAH: Did you- you did both juice and beef right?
SARAH: Okay cool. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your ramen, your Halloween costumes on our social media @soundsfakepod.
KAYLA: Honestly, please do. I would love to see people’s Halloween costumes.
SARAH: I would also love to hear about your Halloween costume if you’re going as ramen! Oh my god!
KAYLA: Only then...
SARAH: My juice is the online BTS concert that I attended at 2:30 in the morning!
KAYLA: Oh my god, what is wrong with you?
SARAH: I had a good time.
KAYLA: I’m glad. I’m happy for you.
SARAH: (yells). You’re so rude to me.
SARAH: Jesus. Um social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Every dollar you give to our Patreon, um, helps support the Kayla stop bullying Sarah fund.
KAYLA: It actually doesn’t.
SARAH: It goes towards transcription, but what’s the difference?
KAYLA: (laughs) Mm.
SARAH: We have two new $2 patrons they are Elle Rose — now here’s my question: are you THE Elle Rose or are you just a Elle Rose, because I love you just the same either way. But it’s unclear.
KAYLA: Mhm it’s unclear.
SARAH: Elle Rose show yourself. And Ava Damri, thank you also, Ava, even though I’m less confused about your identity.
SARAH: Our $5 patrons-
KAYLA: We still love you.
SARAH: (laughs) Our $5 patrons who we are saying this week are: Purple Chickadee, Leah, Nise Areli, and Mel McMeans. One again Mel McMeans, what a fun little name, it just makes me giggle-
KAYLA: It’s good!
SARAH: -in a fun little way every time. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are: H. Valdís who’d like to promote keeping your space clean, Barefoot Backpacker who’d like to promote their Podcast, Travel Tales From Beyond the Brochure, which we were on-
SARAH: And The Steve who’d like to promote Ecosia, (whispers) a search engine for the trees~. Our other $10 patrons are: Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Anonymous, my Aunt Jeannie, Cass, Doug Rice, Ari K., Mattie, Derek and Carissa, Khadir, Potater, Changeling MX, DAVID JAY, The Stubby Tech, Simona Sajmon, Rosie Costello, Hector Murillo, Jay, and David Nurse. Our $15 patrons are: Nathaniel White, NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who’d like to promote Free Mom Hugs and the fact that she walked across the English channel, Sara Jones who — she didn’t actually, not in real life-
SARAH: -but she- she’s doing— it doesn’t matter. Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Martin Chiesel who’d like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One Is, Leila who’d like to promote “Love is love” also applying to aro people, Shrubbery who’d like to promote The Planet Earth, Sherronda J Brown who I’d like to promote, just Sherronda’s recent fire tweets-
KAYLA: They’re so good! So good on twitter! Sherronda’s really killin’ it on twitter recently.
SARAH: (laughs) Maggie Capalbo who’d like to promote their dogs Minnie, Leia, and Loki, Andrew Hillum who’d like to promote The Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline who’d like to promote Dear Luke Love Me and also her documentary film, and Dragonfly who’d like to promote rubber chickens. Our $20 patrons are: Sarah T who’d like to promote long walks outside and HomHomofSpades who’d like to promote getting enough vitamin D for you and your rubber chickens. Thank you for listening. Happy spooky Halloween. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
SARAH: Put them in a cute costume!
SARAH: Or a spooky costume.
SARAH: (whispers) A vampire cow...
KAYLA: Okay. (gasps) and it squirts blood instead of milk.
SARAH: Okay, I’m leaving now.
KAYLA: (laughs) Goodbye!