TW: Mentions of human trafficking
Hey what's up hello! What started as a simple episode turning romantic Christmas songs into platonic ones quickly turns into a close(?) reading of the weirdest Christmas songs out there.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/analyzing-romantic-christmas-songs
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SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: … and a demisexual girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Romantic Christmas Songs.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
SARAH: M’erry Christmas.
KAYLA: Oh! What did I do last week?
SARAH: Something about not even a M’ouse.
KAYLA: Oh well this week I’d like to say M’istletoe.
SARAH: The- the way you pronounced that it sounded like you said missile toe, like a missile like a projectile.
KAYLA: A toe that turns into a missile?
KAYLA: Shoots off your little foot?
SARAH: Yeah. So there’s that (laughs).
SARAH: Okay cool. It was very cool seeing the responses to our poll last week. I feel like it was very much split 50/50 of like “what are you talking about Christmas is not a romantic holiday?” and “WH- what the fuck! Why is it like that? I hate it so much!”
KAYLA: Yeah it was very funny to me to see all the people who were like “no it's not” because they’re right.
KAYLA: Also I feel like for aspec people that’s a very expected answer of like “wait what are the allos doing?”
KAYLA: Yeah, but we also got some answers about how the calendar works. Some answers about why frankincense and myrrh were a thing happening…
SARAH: Oh wow!
KAYLA: So very educational for us.
SARAH: Educational! Wow, that's exciting. This week we are continuing on the Christmas train because it is Christmas and we celebrate Christmas, and you know it’s Christmas, so Kayla-
KAYLA: So get fucked. It’s Christmas.
SARAH: (laughs) so- It’s Christmas so get fucked!
KAYLA: Merry Christmas, get fucked.
SARAH: (laughs) Kayla what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we’re doing a classic musical episode. A classic, making romantic songs about non-romantic things.
KAYLA: But this time with Christmas music because there's quite a few romance Christmas songs
SARAH: Mhm. there are.
KAYLA: I will be doing this about the top of my head. I did find a list of romantic Christmas songs. I have not explored their lyrics yet so we’re just going to be doing this off the fly.
SARAH: I have pulled up exactly three and half songs and I have not planned anything for them. I just opened them. Opened the lyrics.
KAYLA: Good. I haven’t even done that.
SARAH: Cool. Great. I think- I think we have to start, Kayla, with the classic All I Want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carey.
SARAH: Here’s my thing about some of these songs — not all of them, but some of them. You could read them platonically.
KAYLA: Yeah, yeah.
SARAH: Like you could say All I want for Christmas is You my platonic friend, to visit me.
KAYLA: (laughs) Yeah! You’re not wrong.
SARAH: But of course it has to be read as romantic. I mean also “I don’t want a lot for Christmas this is all I’m asking for, I just wanna see my baby standing right outside my door” now I’m imagining a very large baby.
KAYLA: That I hate, a lot.
SARAH: Yeah. Anyway, I'm trying to think how we can make this less romantic.
KAYLA: Umm hold on let me pull up the lyrics.
KAYLA: We might just have to do these together. This might be better than a back and forth despite being a more collaborative project.
SARAH: a group. Yeah that’s very fair.
KAYLA: Yeah- wait. Why am I finding All I Want For Christmas Is You but the Justin Beiber and Mariah Carey?
SARAH: That also came up for me, the lyrics are the same.
KAYLA: Why are they doing that to me?
SARAH: I don’t know. I have a-
KAYLA: Well let’s see…
SARAH: I have a question.
SARAH: Now they say “I hear those sleigh bells ringing Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need”...
KAYLA: Oh so it’s about kidnapping.
SARAH: Isn’t that human trafficking?
KAYLA: I think this is a song about kidnapping, yes. Hold on.
SARAH: Yeah it’s really buried in there too, you know?
KAYLA: Yeah because she’s saying like, you know, this is all I want for Christmas. You know Santa Claus I don’t want a toy, that won’t make me happy, uh I’m just gonna keep waiting, I think this is a song about kidnapping.
SARAH: Yeah I think it's a song that’s actually kind of about human trafficking and that's like not cute. It’s not festive.
KAYLA: She hired Santa as a kidnapper hit man.
KAYLA: She’s like “just bring him”.
SARAH: But also, I have a question just about the logic here. Now at the beginning of the song she says “I won’t make a list and send it to the north pole for Saint Nick-”
KAYLA: Yeah she’s like I won’t even-
SARAH: “I won’t even stay awake to hear those magic reindeer click”-
KAYLA: See what I-
SARAH: -so has she changed her mind by the end of the song or is sh-
KAYLA: See what I think that is-
SARAH: No no no no! Whole question, whole question.
KAYLA: Okay I’ll kill myself.
SARAH: Hhh don’t do that! Does she think Saint Nick and Santa are different people?
KAYLA: I think it’s a cover up. I think at the beginning of the story she’s trying real hard to cover her tracks.
KAYLA: She has already hired Santa to kidnap Justin Beiber.
SARAH: In 2011 so he was basically still a child.
KAYLA: Yeah real sketchy stuff going on.
KAYLA: She hired Santa to kidnap Justin Beiber, but she doesn’t want anyone to know so she decides to write this whole song about “I would never ask Santa for anything, are you crazy?”
KAYLA: And then halfway through the song she just gets so into singing this incredible bop — and it’s a bop let’s be honest.
SARAH: It’s a bop, it's a true bop.
KAYLA: And she just kind of loses- she forgets that she was supposed to be covering that up is what I think happens.
SARAH: Yeah also if this is about human trafficking I have a question about the line that says “the sound of children’s laughter fills the air”
KAYLA: I was looking at that one… it’s a little- if we’re going to go with the kidnapping trafficking sort of situation-
KAYLA: -very Christmas-themed by the way, you’re welcome everyone.
SARAH: Yis. That’s concerning.
KAYLA: Yeah what the fuck.
SARAH: Like are we also trafficking children? And when she says “I wanna see my baby right outside my door” again are we talking about an adult or are we trafficking children because that’s even worse.
KAYLA: Should we put a trigger warning on this episode?
KAYLA: For human trafficking? I think we might need to.
KAYLA: Maybe I should write that down.
SARAH: Maybe we should just say “look it got right out of hand right from the start”
KAYLA: A little tough. Sarah I think we need to jump into another classic.
KAYLA: Which is Santa Baby.
SARAH: That is one of the ones I have pulled up don’t you worry!
SARAH: I actually have 2 versions pulled up-
KAYLA: Do you have the Michael Buble?
SARAH: I have the Micahel Buble pulled up because the lyrics are different-
KAYLA: And weirder.
SARAH: -and weirder somehow.
KAYLA: Yeah so if you don’t know about- okay so this is a song basically that’s originally sung by a woman and is very sexual being like Santa~ here’s a the things I want I’m gonna sing it in this weird kind of baby voice…
SARAH: Is Eartha Kitt the original singer?
KAYLA: I don’t know.
SARAH: It says release date 1963.
KAYLA: Maybe then, I don’t know, it’s very sexual undertones, the whole thing.
SARAH: Mhm absolutely.
KAYLA: And then Michael Buble the man’s said I would like to cover this song but I don’t wanna make it sexual because then people will think I’m gay and that’s not-
SARAH: I gotta make it bro-y.
KAYLA: -okay. So it’s called Santa Buddy-
SARAH: Well it’s called Santa Baby.
KAYLA: Oh but he sings Santa Buddy.
SARAH: Yeah he only says baby once.
KAYLA: It’s very bro-y, it’s very bro-y, the whole thing. And honestly it only makes it more sexual in my mind.
SARAH: Honestly? The difference in the lyrics it’s making me so angry. Honestly we don’t need need to change the lyrics for this, let’s just compare.
KAYLA: I was gonna say, because Michael Buble already made it not romantic for us.
KAYLA: But he did a bad job still.
SARAH: He already made it weirdly bro-y.
KAYLA: Yeah so let’s just do a psychoanalysis on Michel Buble (pronounces it vaguely french).
SARAH: Yeah. Original lyrics “Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree for me.” What’s a sable? No clue. I just googled it-
KAYLA: None of my business.
SARAH: “Been an awful good girl, so Santa baby hurry down the chimney tonight”
KAYLA: And keep in mind this is all kind of sang in like a baby voice.
KAYLA: Very odd.
SARAH: Yeah. “Been an awful good girl” I still don’t know what a sable is. Now here’s what our man Michael Buble says. He says “Santa baby, slip a Rolex under the tree, for me, I’ve been an awful good guy-”
KAYLA: Good guy, not even a good boy.
SARAH: No. Well good boy, that’s a whole nother thing, Kayla.
SARAH: “Santa Buddy and hurry down the chimney tonight” (sighs) Okay. Next we have “Santa baby, a 54 convertible too, light blue, I’ll wait up for you dear, Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight” So she is waiting up for Santa, also if the release date was 1953 a 54 convertible would be brand new.
KAYLA: Mhm. The newest of cars! I also- there is something, like I understand that Santa does come down the chimney but-
SARAH: Yeah there is something weirdly sexual about saying it repeatedly?
KAYLA: Yes. And I don’t know if it’s because of the phallic shape of a chimney?
SARAH: Maybe. Yeah.
KAYLA: I don’t know. Anyway.
SARAH: And you know what Michael Buble says? It keeps getting worse. He says “Santa Buddy, a 65 convertible too” which why did he go for 65? Question.
KAYLA: Has to be one better.
SARAH: No hers was 54, his was 65. And you know what he says the car color he wants? It’s steel blue, because light blue is too girly.
KAYLA: Too feminine.
SARAH: Yes. It needs to be steel blue. “I’ll wait up for you, dude.”
SARAH: “Santa buddy, and hurry down the chimney tonight” It’s a really interesting choice to me that at least for these first two that he says “Santa Buddy AND hurry down the chimney tonight” whereas she says “Santa Baby SO hurry down the chimney tonight. According to these lyrics later on he does say “Santa Buddy so hurry down the chimney tonight” but I just have questions about that choice.
KAYLA: Very interesting choice.
SARAH: It certainly is. Alright, now we’re gonna go back to Eartha Kitt, “Think of all the fun I’ve missed, think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed” are you saying that you’re saving yourself for Santa?
KAYLA: I am getting that. It’s also giving like purity culture by being like “but I’ve been so good by not dating” or whatever like mmm kay.
SARAH: Yeah. “I’ve been saving myself for you Santa Claus~” and then she goes on to say “next year I could be just as good if you check off my Christmas list”
KAYLA: Now we’re getting an ultimatum situation of like “if you don’t give me these things, next year I’m gonna be bad”.
SARAH: Yeah. We’re once again returning to the good girl motif.
SARAH: It could be read straight as “oh I’ll be nice” but it also could be read as a very sexual thing.
KAYLA: I feel like it’s just so sexual to be like “oh no I’ve been such a bad girl~” like okay, alright.
SARAH: “next year I could be just as good~”
SARAH: Now here is what Michael says. Michael says “Think of all the fun I’ve missed, think of all the hotties I haven’t kissed”
KAYLA: Terrible. You’re married, Michael.
SARAH: “Next year I could be just as good if you check off my Christmas list”
KAYLA: Michael you’re married with children. I guess you could be poly, I’ve never asked, but that's not the vibe I get.
SARAH: Hotties… I don’t like the use of the word hotties. It adds a whole different vibe. Fellas is like “oh look at those fellas!” While hotties is…
KAYLA: more sexualer…
SARAH: It’s weirdly more objectifying, you know?
KAYLA: Yes. Yes, it is.
KAYLA: What are your thoughts on the drink name hot toddy?
SARAH: Um, I’ve never had it?
KAYLA: I mean me either…
SARAH: I don’t know what’s in it.
KAYLA: I was asking your thoughts on the name.
SARAH: I mean isn’t it just because it’s a toddy but it’s hot?
KAYLA: Yeah but it's just…
SARAH: Isn’t a toddy a type of something?
KAYLA: I don’t know, I just think it’s an interesting name. Sorry.
SARAH: This just in: Kayla is sexualizing beverages.
KAYLA: I mean there's a drink called sex on the beach, so I’m not the first one.
SARAH: It’s true.
KAYLA: You know.
SARAH: So next Eartha says, “Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot” you’re so, you’re so right bestie.
KAYLA: Here’s the thing, for Santa probably not, that guy is probably loaded.
SARAH: Yeah, got a lot of money. She goes on to say “been an angel all year, Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight” Now, this, Michael, “Santa Pally”.
KAYLA: Not a word.
SARAH: First of all- yeah.
KAYLA: He’s just running out of words at this point.
SARAH: Yeah he could have just gone with Santa buddy the whole time but no, that’s too easy.
SARAH: “Santa pally I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot, I’ve been a sweetie all year, Santa buddy so hurry down the chimney tonight” now what did she say? An angel? Why can’t you be an angel?
SARAH: Michael? Mikey?
KAYLA: I think we all know. (laughs) (hammy jokester voice) I think we all know men aren’t angels. Am I right? Heh, heh.
SARAH: So then Eartha says “Santa honey, one little thing I really need, the deed to a platinum mine…” wait we should be mining. Pffffffffffft
SARAH: Wait a second! Wait a second!!
KAYLA: Hold on!
SARAH: And then she says “so Santa baby hurry down the chimney tonight”
KAYLA: Here’s also the thing about that line, is she says “one more thing I really need the deed” then there’s a pause
SARAH: That- oh you’re so right. You’ve made a very important point.
KAYLA: “a platinum mine” there is an- there is a very noticable and important pause which is the deed which is also what sex is called sometimes.
KAYLA: Like “the deed”
SARAH: the deed.
KAYLA: So just saying.
SARAH: That’s a very good point. You know what Michael Buble says?
SARAH: “Santa buddy, one thing that I really do need the deed (pause) to a platinum mine” He doesn't even change it.
KAYLA: Not very inventive Michael!
SARAH: This is the one thing you should've changed, Michael! (sighs) Anyway. Let’s see. “Santa cutie and fill my stocking with a duplex and checks.” How big is this stocking?
KAYLA: What’s a duplex? A house?
SARAH: A house?
KAYLA: She means a house?
SARAH: It’s a house.
KAYLA: No girl. No girl.
SARAH: (laughs) How big of a stocking is this? “And checks, sign your X on the line, Santa Baby and hurry down the chimney tonight” Michael says… wh- okay, interesting he says “Santa buddy fill my stocking with Canucks tix for kicks” I’m guessing that Canucks- is that a sporting team?
KAYLA: I’m guessing I don’t know.
SARAH: Vancouver Canucks they’re an ice hockey team.
KAYLA: Okay that’s fine I guess.
SARAH: See he wants tickets to see the Canucks for kicks. “Through me on the first line…” Through, T-H-R-O-U-G-H
KAYLA: That doesn’t seem like correct grammar.
SARAH: For kicks… huh, is this right? Hold up, let me pull them up on a different website and see if this is correct.
KAYLA: The grammar there just isn’t quite right somehow.
SARAH: Um, thr- oh I understand. Genius says he says “throw me on the first line”
KAYLA: Yes okay, this makes more sense.
SARAH: I assume that means he’s just at the- good seats.
SARAH: Got good seats. “Santa baby, hurry down the chimney tonight” now going back to Eartha, she says — (whispers) oh my god, wow. Wow. (normal volume) Reading these lyrics is a whole new experience.
KAYLA: Uh huh.
SARAH: Eartha says “Come and trim my Christmas tree”
SARAH: That’s what I’m saying dude!
KAYLA: This is what in the 50s?
KAYLA: Like bro! Surprised they let a woman say this!
SARAH: Yeah with some also- is Eartha Kitt white or is she Black?
KAYLA: Mm I don’t know. But now that I say this I know they let a woman do this because you know this was a song-
SARAH: Yeah she’s Black
KAYLA: -written for men. Okay that’s even less surprising. Then this song was written for men who just wanted to sexualize Black women. So this is actually not surprising at all.
SARAH: That’s very fair, that’s fair. “Come and trim my Christmas Tree” a real connection to the term “bush” right there.
SARAH: “With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s” Okay.
KAYLA: (laughs) Now I’m just imagining…
SARAH: I have a mental image and I don’t like it.
KAYLA: Just hanging little earrings on your bush (laughs).
SARAH: I’m imagining a nice little necklace….(laughs)
KAYLA: Very good.
SARAH: “I really do believe in you, let’s see if you believe in me”
KAYLA: It just gets more and more sexual as you go, is the thing.
SARAH: Once again, the one line Michael should maybe change…(laughs)
KAYLA: This is what I’m saying is like Michael’s version is almost even more sexual.
SARAH: I honestly think it’s worse.
KAYLA: Cause he starts off trying to like repress it and then slowly you’re just like this is incredibly homoerotic of you Michael.
KAYLA: And I can tell you’re trying to hide it for the sake of your wife and child.
SARAH: Oh man, so he says “Come and trim my Christmas tree, with some decorations bought at Mercedes” what a cara? A whole car?
KAYLA: Just a whole car on your bush?
SARAH: A whole car?!
KAYLA: On your bush?!
SARAH: “I really do believe in you now lets see if you believe in me” Alright we’re here at the end. Eartha says “Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, I don’t mean on the phone, Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight, hurry down the chimney tonight, hurry down the chimney tonight”
KAYLA: So now she wants to marry Santa Claus.
SARAH: Yeah, yeah yeah. Now here’s what fuckin’ Michael says, he says “Santa poppy” Is this a daddy kink?
KAYLA: I mean Santa is… I suppose, what would you call him? A bear perhaps?
KAYLA: Which seems like a daddy to me.
SARAH: Yeah. So he says “Santa poppy, forgot to mention one little thing Cha-ching, no I don’t mean as a loan, Santa buddy so hurry down the chimney tonight, hurry down the chimney tonight, hurry down the chimney tonight”
KAYLA: That one I’ll take. That one I feel like is actually pretty good.
SARAH: But I feel like some people are like “oh cha-ching would be I succeeded in the sex” am I making that up?
KAYLA: Ah I just thought of it as money but...
SARAH: I could be making it up. I could just be…
KAYLA: I don’t know.
SARAH: I don’t know. I think the Santa Poppy just put me in a weird mindset.
KAYLA: It’s weird. It’s odd.
SARAH: So that has been Santa Baby. (sighs) I think that- I don’t think we need to go into anything else on that. I think that covers it. You know?
KAYLA: Yeah. Ys.
KAYLA: I like how we spent maybe half the episode on that one song.
SARAH: We had to go through every lyric kayla! (laughs)
KAYLA: I think there's a couple songs that just demand our attention.
KAYLA: I don’t know if we want to get into Baby It’s Cold Outside?
SARAH: Jesus, I don’t know how I feel about that.
KAYLA: I feel like a lot of discussion around that song has been made, I don’t know that we need to add ourselves to it.
SARAH: I think we should end on that.
SARAH: But rewrite the lyrics to make it as unhinged as possible. You know?
SARAH: Like we’re not trying to make a serious rewrite. We want to make it unhinged.
KAYLA: And I have seen people make rewrites that are also funny, I can’t remember the lyrics to that, but people have rewritten it before.
SARAH: Mhm. Yeah. I have a one, we’ve got Last Christmas by Wham!.
KAYLA: I was just looking at that one.
SARAH: Yeah. So famously, “Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away” That is such a quick turnaround and really inconsiderate.
KAYLA: But here’s the thing is like… you know, shipping these days…
KAYLA: It’s actually- side note, I don’t know if this can be heard but I think my dad just got home and they’re like unloading lumber downstairs…
KAYLA: So there’s like some bumps, it’s because my father woodworks now.
KAYLA: And I think they just went to pick up some logs. Anyway.
SARAH: When I first- when I first called Kayla, I heard my dad downstairs just making weird noises and singing a weird song and so I texted my mom and dad it’s pod o’clock please don’t commit any loud murders. And she said “we’ll keep it in mind”
KAYLA: She’ll consider it. Uhm what was I saying, oh so shipping- you know lots of backups so I find it very impressive that they were able to return that shipping within a day you know?
SARAH: Well did it get returned the next day or did they send it out the next day?
KAYLA: That is a good question.
SARAH: Did they just put it- I mean it's boxing day when some people box up their Christmas things, which I think is morally wrong to do that the next day. Your Christmas tree should stay up to at least the first week of January, but that is not what this podcast is about.
KAYLA: As I’m reading these lyrics they’re good.
SARAH: They’re good. They are good lyrics.
KAYLA: “Once bitten, twice shy, I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye”? That’s-
KAYLA: That’s good writing!
SARAH: This is genuinely a good song.
KAYLA: It is! It’s a bop and a banger! That’s the thing about these romantic Christmas songs-
KAYLA: - because they are Christmas songs they’re bangers because Christmas music is elite.
KAYLA: Even Justin Beiber’s Christmas song? Good.
SARAH: Yeah. “A face of a lover with a fire in his heart, A man undercover but you tore me apart”
KAYLA: SO GOOD DUDE!
SARAH: Now here’s- my one issue with this song is the whole thing is that “Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away, This year to save me from tears I’ll give it to someone special” Why do you have to give someone your heart on Christmas? You know?
KAYLA: My concern is also that last year you probably also thought you were giving it to someone special too.
KAYLA: What if it happens again? Clearly-
SARAH: Maybe you have bad judgment.
KAYLA: -this person doesn’t have the best judgment in people, you know?
KAYLA: Not to victim blame (laugh) but…
SARAH: Especially if it's not like “oh some number of months later things turned sour” it’s the next day.
KAYLA: The next day. My thing about it is “Last Christmas I gave you my heart” so on Christmas, does that mean on Christmas they confessed their feelings to this person? Or like that’s when they made it official?
SARAH: I don’t know.
KAYLA: Like okay we’re gonna become boyfriend and girlfriend?
SARAH: Do they just mean last Christmas season? Because I feel like-
KAYLA: But I don’t think they do mean the season because they said “the very next day” meaning this was a day-to-day situation.
SARAH: Yeah I mean it could just mean around last Christmas I gave you my heart and then the next day after that you gave it away. But that’s a little complicated. My- my concern here is if you gave them my heart— let’s say it’s Christmas day, let’s operate on that assumption— this means that- unless you’re doing this over text or phone call it means you’re spending Christmas with this person, which means either 1 you’re close enough to spend Christmas day together or 2 you don’t put a lot of stock into Christmas, you’re not a big Christmas celebrator, to which I say, why did you make a whole song about it then?
KAYLA: Here’s what it is okay.
KAYLA: They are spending Christmas together because it's this person’s inlaw… their brother or sister or sibling in law, okay?
KAYLA: So say it’s their brother-in-law, okay. Make this a real heteroromantic okay?
KAYLA: They go to their brother in law and say “listen I know that you’re married to my like sister or brother or whatever, but I love you” and this brother in law is like-
SARAH: Mm. Well that’s fuckin’ messy!
KAYLA: Yeah, the brother in laws like “wait a second I also love you” and then the next he’s like just kidding.
SARAH: Just kidding that would be very messy.
SARAH: Here’s what I was thinking when you first started saying that. I thought that you meant-
KAYLA: Their father-in-law?
SARAH: Let’s say- okay to make this easier. Say I’m married to you right?
KAYLA: Perfect, I’ve been waiting my whole life.
SARAH: Yeah. In this hypothetical situation, my sister goes to your sister and says “I’m in love with you”
KAYLA: Uhhh, no.
SARAH: Which- which is also-
KAYLA: No that’s not what I meant.
SARAH: -incredibly messy.
KAYLA: No it would be like, it would be like, you, I guess yes. It’s hard for me to think about-
KAYLA: It would be like you going to Amanda, your sister’s fiance and being like “I’m in love with you”
SARAH: Right. I was just thinking-
KAYLA: Yes. It was just hard for me to wrap my head around it from that angle.
SARAH: Yeah you were thinking- you go to the fiance.
SARAH: And I was thinking that the sibling goes to the sibling.
KAYLA: Yes. Yeah.
SARAH: Both very messy in their own right, and in different ways. But if it did work out though it would be really cute if you were married to someone and then your sibling was married to that someone's sibling.
KAYLA: I mean it’s like the ultimate dream of you and your twin marry another set of twins you know?
SARAH: Yeah! And like yeah, you have- honestly that would be so convenient.
KAYLA: Because I think genetically, technically your kids would all be siblings rather than cousins.
SARAH: That’s- we know someone that that’s how they had kids, they did artificial insemination and it was two women and they each had a brother and they artificially insem-
KAYLA: I feel like we’ve talked about this on the podcast because I had a very hard time putting together-
SARAH: Oh we talked about this in Austin, I don’t know if we talked about it on the pod.
KAYLA: Oh you’re right. Can you believe we talk off the air sometimes?
SARAH: (laughs) I know.
KAYLA: I had a really hard time figuring out the genetics of how these children were still siblings. (laughs)
SARAH: Yes. So basically, uh, wife 1 has brother 1 and wife 2 has brother 2 and made it artificial insemination where they took the sperm from brother 1 and they gave it to wife 2 and they took the sperm from brother 2 and they gave it to wife 1 and then each wife ended up birthing a child — not at the same time. So the two children technically have different parents from each other but genetically they’re cousins and family-wise they’re brothers.
KAYLA: Yes but when you do it with twins because twins like identical twins-
SARAH: If they’re identical.
KAYLA: Identical twins share DNA if a set-
SARAH: I guess-
KAYLA: - of identical twins had kids with another set of identical twins instead of being cousins their children would genetically be siblings.
SARAH: Genetically, but not socially.
KAYLA: Yes but I was talking genetically.
SARAH: Yeah. That is an interesting thought. Hold on I do-
KAYLA: Someone is going to come up in here and be like I’m a geneticist and you’re actually an idiot (laughs)
SARAH: And you’re stupid! Um I caught wind of a lyric that kind of threw me off here, so I actually think, mm okay, “A face of a lover with a fire in his heart, A man undercover but you tore me apart” boohoo. “Now I found a real love, you’ll never fool me again” now that implies that they actually have found the person that they’re going to- they have found the special person-
SARAH: -to whom they’re going to give their heart this year. But they drop that like-
KAYLA: Pretty late.
SARAH: -two thirds of the way through the song.
SARAH: So well and then up here one third into the way into the song- one third of the way into the song, “Now I know what a fool I’ve been, but if you kissed me now I know you’d fool me again” so are they saying that I’m with this new person but if you kissed me now I’d just take you back, is that what the situation is?
KAYLA: Yeah they seem still very, I mean like, obviously very hung up on this person because this is a year later, a Christmas later and they’re still singing about what happened last Christmas, so clearly they’re not fully over the situation.
SARAH: Now here’s the thing, now I’m just really looking at these lyrics, all really excellent lyrics, “A crowded room, friends with tired eyes, I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice, My God, I thought you were someone to rely on, Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on” But then the next line-
KAYLA: SO GOOD DUDE! It's so good!
SARAH: It’s so good, but then the next line is “A face of a lover with a fire in his heart”
KAYLA: I don’t get that one.
SARAH: So they have a fire in his heart and a soul of ice?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's really melty in there.
SARAH: Or is the a face of a lover with a fire in his heart the speaker?
KAYLA: The new one or the-? Yeah I'm getting confused with the new and the old person now.
SARAH: Well I think for the most part except for the first line “Now I've found a real love, you'll never fool me again” I think only that line is referring to the new person I think everything else is referring to the ex.
SARAH: So I’m just kind of confused is their soul of ice and the fire in their heart? Like are those just both happening at the same time?
KAYLA: See to me having a fire in your heart is a good thing.
KAYLA: Like soul of ice, obviously not great, but a fire in your heart means like passion.
SARAH: Yeah… I like think the “face of a lover with a fire in his heart a man undercover but you tore me apart” it sounds very nice, but I would have to do a real close reading to figure out what it really means.
SARAH: Like I’m not quite sure.
KAYLA: Yeah like the words are like, the instinct is like Oh shit that’s good-
SARAH: Yeah, yeah.
KAYLA: -but then its like I’m too stupid to know exactly what you’re trying to say to me. (laughs)
SARAH: RIght, like some of the other ones I’m like “oh yes this is really well written and I understand exactly what it means” but this one I don’t understand exactly what it reads- what it means and I would need to do a close reading.
SARAH: Now is not the time for that though,
SARAH: Good. It’s been 36 minutes.
KAYLA: Truly, I don’t think we’re taking songs and making them unromantic this time, so much as just closely analyzing.
SARAH: We’re closely analyzing, but not going to the point of close reading.
KAYLA: No, just kinda uhh looking. Just looking respectfully.
SARAH: Just checking it out. Do you want to go to um (pause) the creepy one or do you want to the creepy one…
KAYLA: I think we should.
KAYLA: I think we should, I think its what’s expected. I think when people see this episode they’ll probably expect… you know.
SARAH: Yeah. What's the name of that song again? It just slipped out of my mind.
KAYLA: Baby It’s Cold Outside.
SARAH: Baby It’s Cold Outside.
KAYLA: Okay for those of you who don’t know about this song…
KAYLA: Congratulations. Here’s the thing about this song too though. Shit is catchy.
SARAH: Yup it’s a really good song.
KAYLA: Shit is good. And…
SARAH: (laughs) You know what’s really unfortunate?
KAYLA: That it’s the perfect duet for us? Cause I agree.
SARAH: Oh it really is. Also the glee version is really excellent.
KAYLA: Oh that is upsetting.
KAYLA: That’s the thing this song is good, but when you listen-
SARAH: There’s a reason why its withstood the test of time.
KAYLA: But when you look at it you’re like “this could be a little weird”
SARAH: It, you know, it could be- it could be read as like, oh the baby in question is just playing coy, but it could also be read as date-rapey.
KAYLA: Yeah so basically what this song is, is basically a duet between a man and a woman and she’s like “okay I gotta go home, it’s been super nice hanging out with you” and then the whole song he’s like “oh but it's so cold, you should stay and have another drink or like stay and hang out”
KAYLA: And she’s like “oh my parents will worry, the neighbors will talk” cause you know its old timey and a scandal.
KAYLA: So it could be read as oh these two are like they’re lovers and-
SARAH: It could be read as a two way street, like a…
SARAH: Like this is a game we’re playing.
KAYLA: Like “oh I really should go home, but I don’t want to and oh you’re convincing me so whatever” but it also could be like he’s literally like “no have another drink” like…
KAYLA: Like “you must stay here”
SARAH: Yeah, yeah. So you know “Baby it's cold outside”
KAYLA: Okay here’s what I will say-
SARAH: “Baby its cold outside”… what?
KAYLA: If we get into lyrics here.
KAYLA: The first verse here is “My mother will start to worry, Beautiful, what's your hurry?, My father will be pacing the floor, Listen to the fireplace roar” This is back and forth between the two.
KAYLA: “So, really, I'd better scurry, Beautiful, please don't hurry” She says “But maybe just a half a drink more” He says “I’ll put some records on while I pour” First of all can’t do both at once, dangerous.
SARAH: I think he means that he’s gonna put records on and then he’s gonna pour it.
KAYLA: Yeah but that’s not what he said is it? No.
SARAH: But that’s what he means.
KAYLA: She says “The neighbors might think” He says “Baby, it's bad out there” she says-
SARAH: Do you want- you be the woman and I’ll be the man just so that this is-
KAYLA: Okay. She says, “Say, what's in this drink?” Okay, last verse she goes, “Okay I’ll have another half a drink” He says “Okay sick I’ll pour you one” and now she’s saying “Hey now! What’s in this?”
SARAH: And he says “No cab's to be had out there”
KAYLA: “I wish I knew how”
SARAH: (whispers) “Your eyes are like starlight now”
KAYLA: “To break this spell”
SARAH: Are you saying that her eyes are like glassy? What is in that drink.
KAYLA: Yeah, “your eyes are like starlight now” like they weren’t before.
KAYLA: Now that we’re doing this close analysis.
SARAH: I think it's this particular section that’s the real problem.
SARAH: Um the other ones.
KAYLA: Cause then you go, you go to the next verse and it’s really- it’s not.
KAYLA: It’s really this chunk that’s bad.
SARAH: That’s really date-rapey. Cause she says “I wish I knew how to break this spell”
SARAH: And that could be read as “oh the spell of love” but it could also be read as “I’ve been drugged”
KAYLA: Yeah. Here’s… well here’s a part that I think is slightly redeeming maybe, she says “I ought to say ‘no, no, no sir’”
SARAH: And he says “Mind if I move in closer?”
KAYLA: Which like okay- like he’s asking, he’s asking whatever. She says “at least I’m going to say that I tried” so like-
SARAH: “What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?”
KAYLA: And so that’s creepy because it’s not about your pride.
KAYLA: But she is saying “I should say no, but I don’t want to” you know?
SARAH: Yeah. But like…
KAYLA: So that’s slightly redeeming.
SARAH: Maintaining propriety by at least pushing back a little bit.
KAYLA: Yes. Which like I think that’s slightly redeeming because you can tell kind of that she’s okay with it, you know?
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. Now I don’t think this is in the original version, but the lyrics it’s giving me the Idina Menzel and Micael Buble version.
KAYLA: That is also what I’m looking at.
SARAH: And it says “Ah you’re very pushy, you know? I like to think of it as opportunistic” Which is not in the original.
KAYLA: That was not in the original I think that was them trying to make it better somehow?
SARAH: Yeah (laughs).
SARAH: Let’s see okay then she says “I simply must go, baby it's cold outside, the answer is no” that’s a firm no.
SARAH: “but baby it's cold outside, the welcome has been…so nice and warm” but he says “how lucky that you dropped in, look out the window at that storm!” at which point she says “my sister will be suspicious” and he says “Gosh your lips look delicious!” (laughs)
KAYLA: Awful (laughs).
SARAH: Um, “my brother will be there at the door, waves upon a tropical shore” (laughs)
KAYLA: Where’d that come from?
SARAH: Are you saying that like it’s warm inside? LIke that's how warm it feels inside and outside it’s really cold?
KAYLA: I guess?
SARAH: “My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious” Which is funny, and then “Gosh your lips are delicious”
KAYLA: Okay so they did it.
SARAH: Have they kissed in between?
KAYLA: I guess? Just a quick one in the middle of singing.
SARAH: (laughs) “Well maybe just a cigarette more, Never such a blizzard before” And then “I don’t even smoke” (laughs) Is that in the original?!
KAYLA: I don’t know.
SARAH: (still laughing) please hold…
KAYLA: “I’ll get you home, baby you’ll freeze out there, say lend me your comb”???
SARAH: It’s “lend me your coat”
KAYLA: Oh this one says “comb” (laughs)
SARAH: Wow these lyrics suck.
KAYLA: Wait but she had a coat earlier didn’t she?
KAYLA: Or did he take her- oh “I’ll take your hat”
SARAH: The original does not say “but I don’t even smoke” (laughs)
KAYLA: That’s fun- you know what that's funny.
SARAH: “baby you’ll freeze- I’ve gotta get home, but baby you’ll freeze out there, Say, lend me a coat, It’s up to your knees out there, You’ve really been grand, I thrill when you touch my hand, but don’t you see,” and then he says “how can you do this to me?”
KAYLA: It’s very like, he’s very gaslighty.
KAYLA: Because she’s like “oh there’s bound to be talk tomorrow, think of my lifelong sorrow” Bro it’s one night dude-
SARAH: Think of my lifelong sorrow…
SARAH: Although this next line is funny, “At least there will be plenty implied, if you got pneumonia and DIED”
KAYLA: Epic level gaslighter. He’s like if you leave you’ll pass right away.
SARAH: (laughs and wheezes) Uhh “I really can’t stay, get over that cold out, baby it’s cold out, baby it’s cold outside” And then of course in the Idina Menzel, Michael Buble version she says “OK fine just another drink then” and he says “WELL THAT TOOK A LOT OF CONVINCING!”
KAYLA: THey really tried to make it okay huh?
KAYLA: They did their best.
SARAH: Uhhh it wasn't successful. “It was originally written by Frank Loesser in 1944 and has subsequently been covered countless times during the festive period,” The festive period!
KAYLA: Oh yes this festive period!
SARAH: “perhaps most famously by Dean Martin and Marilyn Maxwell in 1959. In the late 2010s, the track has faced backlash over its forceful nature towards the female protagonist, largely instigated by an American radio station banning the song in support of the #MeToo movement.”
KAYLA: I did hear that a lot of- I feel like it doesn’t happen anymore, but two years ago they just were like “we’re not playing it anymore!”
SARAH: Yeah. Anyway this has been an analysis of romantic Christmas songs.
KAYLA: (laughs) mhm.
SARAH: What’s our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Oh man.
SARAH: You know I have a question: is there a way to rescue Baby it’s Cold Outside or is it just a lost cause?
KAYLA: That’s a good question.
SARAH: Because objectively if you don’t think about the date-rapey vibes, it’s a really good song.
KAYLA: It is! It’s catchy!
SARAH: But when people have tried to make it less date-rapey it almost- it comes off as really cringey?
KAYLA: Yeah because it’s pointing to the problem.
SARAH: At least in the world we grew up in, everyone knows what the lyrics are.
SARAH: It’s not like you wouldn’t notice that something has changed. So is Baby it's Cold Outside redeemable? Is it one of those songs we should just listen to with an asterisk like “yeah this is fucked up but its fucked up” or should we just fully ban it? Questions.
KAYLA: So much to consider.
SARAH: So many. Um alright cool. Kayla? What is your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: Um my beef is that… I have not gotten to relax yet.
KAYLA: It is Thursday now, I got home, I guess technically very early Monday morning, and every day since then I’ve had full days of family events and friend things so I am on vacation and I am not working this week and next week, but I have not- today was the first day I got to sleep in.
KAYLA: And I’m still- I’m getting my booster later today, I’m going shopping later today so still- I just want one day to just sit- sit on the couch.
SARAH: I mean Kayla saw me though… so that was really important..
KAYLA: Just all I could have ever asked for~
SARAH: We’re in the same time zone right now which is pretty crazy.
KAYLA: It is pretty crazy. Middle of the day recording.
KAYLA: Who coulda- who coulda- you might be able to tell from the more relaxed vibes-
KAYLA: That it is not a nighttime recording.
SARAH: And I have not had to work all day.
KAYLA: My juice is that I got my ipad.
KAYLA: There was a long saga that most of you won’t know about it because it was on my close friends Instagram story and you can’t have that.
SARAH: I like how recently we’ve just been bragging about the fact that all of our listeners are NOT on our close friends stories (laughs).
KAYLA: It is because it is my one place left. Okay?
KAYLA: It is the one place-
SARAH: Well that’s what I’ve got stan twitter for, Kayla.
KAYLA: Yes. It’s the one place left where I can control who perceives me.
SARAH: Yeah, yeah.
KAYLA: Anyway there was a long saga of me trying to get this iPad because it's Christmas time and everyone wants an iPad. So-
KAYLA: -took a lot to get it, but I got it, and I'm setting up a new digital planner and stuff like that so hopefully I can get my life more in order.
SARAH: Well done. Love that for you.
KAYLA: That’s all.
SARAH: Oh you did do beef. (sighs) My beef is that my dentist is very concerned about the enamel on my teeth because I have acid reflux, apparently, that I have done nothing about it this past year even though my dentist last year told me it was a problem. Mind you it was actually a different dentist because my dentist retired. So I’ve had multiple people. Also the hygienist brought it up. Anyway. I have no enamel on my teeth and as a result I keep getting cavities on my teeth. And you know what? Enamel doesn’t grow back. I’m 24. (laughs)
KAYLA: This is also an issue I have where they’ve told me that I grind my teeth so bad that my teeth look like that of a 50 year olds.
KAYLA: Which is sick.
SARAH: Yeah so that’s my beef. My juice is umm I’ve been able to do a lot of sleeping while I’ve been home.
KAYLA: Huh must be NICE!
SARAH: I’ve been going back and forth between “I’m really busy oh no I need to do this one thing” and just sleeping. Which has been good (laughs). So you know, there’s that. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your thoughts on Santa Buddy on our social media @soundsfakepod. You can also support us on Patreon — give us a little Christmas gift by supporting us on Patreon — patreon.com/soundsfakepod or if you wanna give us a little one time Christmas gift we got a Paypal~
KAYLA: Oh yeah!
SARAH: firstname.lastname@example.org. Our $5 patrons that we are promoting this month are: Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, and Amanda Kyker. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are: Doug Rice who’d like to promote Church Too by Emily Joy, H. Valdís who’d like to promote keeping your space clean, Barefoot Backpacker who’d like to promote their Podcast, Travel Tales From Beyond the Brochure and The Steve who’d like to promote Ecosia, a search engine (sings) for the trees~. Our other $10 patrons are: Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Anonymous, my Aunt Jeannie, Cass, Ari K., Mattie, Derek and Carissa, Khadir, Potater, Changeling MX, DAVID JAY, The Stubby Tech, Rosie Costello, Hector Murillo, David Nurse and Sherronda J Brown, who is writing a book?!
SARAH: Very exciting. I would also like to promote- Rosie asked me to promote something if she had something coming up but she doesn’t, but she gave me a good thing to promote which- so I’m just gonna mention it. It’s transanta on-
SARAH: On-on instagram and they deliver gifts to trans youth in need safely and anonymously.
KAYLA: That’s so nice!
SARAH: Yeah. So you didn’t actually get to promote anything this week Rosie but that's a good promotion so I’m saying it. Our $15 patrons are: Nathaniel White, NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my Julie who’d like to promote Free Mom Hugs — safely, masked, you know, Omicron is raging — Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Martin Chiesel who’d like to promote his podcast Everyone’s Special and No One Is, Leila who’d like to promote “Love is love” also applying to aro people and especially in the Christmas season please, Shrubbery who’d like to promote The Planet Earth, Maggie Capalbo who’d like to promote their dogs Minnie, Leia, and Loki, Andrew Hillum who’d like to promote The Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline who’d like to promote Ace of Hearts the documentary, Nina Maggart who’d like to promote @katemaggart.art on instagram, and Dragonfly who’d like to promote…(sighs) Christmas cheer. Our $20 patrons are: Sarah T who’d like to promote long walks outside and Sabrina Hauck whose mom and dad say “Merry Christmas Sabrina”. Merry Christmas Sabrina! Especially this week because it’s Christmas week!
SARAH: I guess it’ll be the day after Christmas when this is out. If any of you are listening to this podcast while putting your Christmas tree away, I want you to know you are wrong. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then take good care of your cows.