Ep 163: Choosing the Allo of the Year

Hey what's up hello! For our last episode of 2020, we will be naming someone the Allo of the Year. Listen as we read this year's weirdest stories about sex and romance and try to figure out if the allos are actually okay.

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Transcript

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(0:00)

SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)

SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: the Allo of the Year.

ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!

KAYLA: M’erry Christmas!

SARAH: Ah yes!

KAYLA: I think it’ll be over by the time this is out.

SARAH: Surely yes, this is the last episode of the year.

KAYLA: Is it?

SARAH: Yeah that’s why we’re doing this topic today.

KAYLA: Wow. Y’all, we made it. We made it unless something wild happens between now and the end.

SARAH: I mean I hope not. Given the wild things that have happened this year, they’ve all been pretty bad.

KAYLA: Yeah. Well I won’t say that, I don’t want to jinx it.

SARAH: On a pod level, they’ve actually been decent.

KAYLA: Honestly, the pod growth has been the only very positive thing to happen this year.

SARAH: Exelente. Just a reminder to the kids though, the second it turns January 1st, does not mean all this is over. I know it may feel nice to say 2020’s over but the problems that 2020 has are not going to be over. So just keep that in mind. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: Keep that in mind, keep wearing your masks.

KAYLA: Thanks for this downer, Sarah. 

SARAH: Keep protesting, y’know. Anyway, Kayla, what are we talking about this week?

KAYLA: So this week we are going to be naming awarding the Allo of the Year. For those of you who don’t know what allo stands for, it is allosexual and/or alloromantic, which is basically anyone who is not on the ace or aro spectrum. So, experiences a “normal” amount of attraction, but we all know that’s nothing.

SARAH: Straights, the gays, the pans, the bis, the generally queers, you know.

KAYLA: Especially the generally queers that are also ace and aro. 

SARAH: Yes, yes.

KAYLA: Yeah, allos do always be doing wild shit and I feel like I mentioned this on an episode before or maybe it was just in a conversation with Sarah who knows—

SARAH: It’s all the same.

KAYLA: In my new city there was a radio station that was doing a Redneck of the Year and looking at weird news stories that involved rednecks and we could do that, we can steal that idea and we’re going to.

SARAH: So we’re just going to pick an Allo of the Year. 

KAYLA: All of these were submitted from people on our Twitter and our Discord because we wanted you all to ruin your search history instead of us I guess. 

SARAH: Yeah also I didn’t know what to search.

KAYLA: Well the original intention of asking was just in case anyone had any top of mind but then people just started doing the research. They just started looking up, and I was like, oh I didn’t mean to make you work. I just mean if anyone knows any weird headlines—but anyway.

SARAH: Kayla didn’t mean to make you work but I did.

KAYLA: Okay but it worked out well anyway. Okay, I don’t remember how many links I have but we’ll just do as many as we want. I’m going to have Sarah take notes so we remember what we talked about.

SARAH: I have real paper in front of me and a real pen.

KAYLA: So here’s the first one, are you ready?

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: So have you heard of the game Cyberpunk 2077?

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: And how they took it away?

SARAH: No.

KAYLA: Okay so they really unreleased it to fix things, I thought it was just super buggy, that’s what I had heard. Here’s the headline: “CD Projekt” I guess that’s the company—”is Adjusting Cyberpunk 2077’s Distracting Amount of Dildos.”

SARAH: Ohh.  

KAYLA: Um. Yes. So, they are just everywhere. Let me do some reading.

(5:00)

SARAH: I don’t understand.

KAYLA: This writer who’s writing this article stumbled upon some dildos in the game. They started documenting every single one.

SARAH: How do you stumble upon dildos?

KAYLA: They’re just there. There’s a picture of this mannequin that has dildo or a strap, I guess that’s what that is. The article starts, “The first time I stepped out of my character’s apartment in Cyberpunk 2077, I expected to be greeted by a vast world of machine-powered possibility. Instead, I found a dildo. It was sitting next to a random NPC’s foot in my apartment building, near a discarded magazine and some other trash.” And so it just kept happening so they’ve screenshotted 29 dildos. “They come in two main varieties: the common “studded dildo,” the lowly street pigeon of Cyberpunk 2077's vast dildo underground,” so I guess that’s just the standard. And there’s some rare ones. You can pick them up, use them to craft things, you can sell them, but that’s the only use.

SARAH: So how many so many dildos get designed and why are they everywhere?

KAYLA: There’s very funny pictures in this article of truly just the most—on the streets, there’s a can of gas maybe it looks like, some can of chemicals, and next to it is a large dildo. There’s an unlockable dildo weapon. Okay.

SARAH: So was this intentional?

KAYLA: Okay so the person says, “So I had to know: Why all the dildos?” And a quote from the Senior Quest Designer, Philipp Webber said in an email, “We wanted Night City to be pretty open sexually, where something by today’s standards might be taboo or kinky is very normal and commonplace by 2077 standards.” So they thought that scattering a bunch of dildos was the way to do that. I guess there’s a lot of sex workers in the game which I think is a better way—

SARAH: Right rather than just placing dildos at random intervals. 

KAYLA: So this says, “Going forward, CD Projekt will not be removing Night City’s preponderance of discarded dildos. Instead, the developer will fine-tune its flock of wayward phalli.” 

SARAH: So they’re just making the dildos better.

KAYLA: “The second reason for the high amount of dildos in the world is because they can spawn as random loot” and they were still tweaking those settings when they released the game and so the amount just became very high. So they’re going to adjust that, so they don’t appear too out of place or out of context. So I guess in the game just random stuff appears and one of the things that can randomly appear is a dildo and so that’s why it’s next to cans of gas. So I guess that Allo of the Year would be Senior Game Developer Philipp Weber, that is our first nomination for Allo of the Year is senior designer on Cyperpunk 2077. 

SARAH: Okay, good.

KAYLA: So how do you feel about that one?

SARAH: I think it’s funny. I think I’ll need to hear more of these to decide which way we want to go with these. I think the person who wins is going to be the worst Allo of the Year.

KAYLA: It’s the person who makes us think the most “are the allos okay?”

SARAH: Yeah and I don’t think that really does it. I mean I love it but I don’t look at that and think, “are the allos okay?” I look at that and I giggle.

KAYLA: That’s fair. Okay here’s another one. This is from The Guardian in Australia. It’s from May of 2020. The headline reads, “Man aquitted of entering home with a weapon after successful sex fantasy defense.” “Terrence Leroy found not guilty after proving that he was hired by another man to tie him up but given the wrong address.” 

SARAH: Ohh.

KAYLA: “Two men hired to carry out a stranger’s sexual fantasy of being tied up while clad in his underpants” but it went wrong when they made a mistake. “One of the Sydney men, Terrence Leroy, has now been found not guilty in the court of entering the home.” So this happened in 2019 but the story’s from 2020 so it’s fine cause he just got acquitted. So the charge was “intending to intimidate while armed with an offensive weapon. Describing the facts of the case as unusual, judge Sean Grant said the crown had not excluded the reasonable possibility that Leroy entered the house as part of a lawful plan to carry out a sexual fantasy. “They carried the machetes either as a prop or something to use in that fantasy,” the judge said in his published reasons for the acquittal. The fantasy was unscripted and there was discretion as to how it would be carried out.” According to statements tendered at the brief judge-alone trial, a man living in western NSW— I don’t know what that means.

(10:00)

SARAH: New South Wales. 

KAYLA: Oh, okay, “wanted to be tied up and have a broom handle rubbed around his underwear.”

SARAH: Around his underwear!

KAYLA: A broom handle rubbed around his underwear. I do not know what this means. ““He was willing to pay $5,000 if it was ‘really good’,” the judge said. “He was willing to pay $5,000 if it was ‘really good’,” the judge said. After making arrangements with a man on Facebook—” which seems dangerous. “for people to engage in the role play, he sent his address, which he later updated after moving to another home.”

SARAH: So he just moved? Mid-booking?

KAYLA: Yes. “A resident living in the same street as the first address noticed some light coming from his lounge room when he got up to go to the toilet. Assuming it was a friend who came daily to make a coffee—” that’s weird, get your own coffee machine. “He yelled out “Bugger off, it’s too early” god I love Australians. After hearing a voice ask if it was the client, the resident turned on his light, took off his sleep apnoea mask, and saw two men standing next to his bed. They carried machetes, they started to leave, after they realized it wasn’t him, said “sorry mate” and shook his hand and said goodbye and drove away. “When the men and their driver arrived at the correct address, the would-be customer noticed one had a “great big knife” in his pants which he put in the car after being told not to bring it inside. They had coffee and the client made bacon, eggs, and noodles before he fell asleep on the couch. Police turned up soon after and found the machetes in the car.” So, that’s that.

SARAH: That’s very funny.

KAYLA: That would be Terrence Leroy, that was the guy that was hired, I feel like the Allo of the Year should be the one who hired them. I don’t think they name the client, which is fair. So whoever the client, would be the next nominee.

SARAH: So you moved houses mid-booking? You didn’t just wait?

KAYLA: My thing is, how long did this take to arrange that in the between time he moved?

SARAH: And if you knew that you were moving, you might be able to be like, “Hey I’ll give you the address later, or here’s the address that I’m going to be at on the date of this occurrence.” But no. That’s my biggest question right there.

KAYLA: I just don’t think it was planned. I love the people who were hired who were like “sorry mate.” They seem very nice. It’s interesting that they brought the machetes and then the client was like, “no I don’t want those,” and left them in the car. So there obviously wasn’t communication about what props needed to be brought either. 

SARAH: Yeah there was a lot of leeway.

KAYLA: In terms of what Leroy was bringing. 

SARAH: I mean I think that’s on the client, to be honest.

KAYLA: The client is definitely our nominee. I feel bad for these men that were hired. Clearly, they were sorry. They were like, “goodbye.” 

SARAH: How did they go in?

KAYLA: I don’t know. Maybe this guy left his door open because his friend comes over every day to make coffee?

SARAH: That’s wild.

KAYLA: I don’t know. This one is also from Australia. This was published just this Saturday the 19th of December. “A man who sued his parents for getting rid of his pornography collection has won a lawsuit in western Michigan—” why is this in Australian news? This is fun. “and can seek compensation. U.S. District Judge Paul Maloney ruled in favor of David Werking, who said his parents had no right to throw out his collection. He lived at their Grand Haven home for 10 months after a divorce before moving to Muncie, Indiana.” Oh, honey. “He said boxes of films and magazines worth an estimated $29,000 ($38,000 AUD) were missing. “There is no question that the destroyed property was David’s property,” said the judge. “Defendants repeatedly admitted that they destroyed the property.” Werking’s parents said they had a right to act as his landlords.  “Defendants do not cite to any statute or case law to support their assertion that landlords can destroy property that they dislike,” the judge said. The judge told both sides to file briefs on the financial value of the collection. “The court does not intend to hold an evidentiary hearing.” So I guess that’s the end of it.

(15:00)

SARAH: So this a recently divorced man, so this is a fully grown adult, who is temporarily living with his parents in Grand Haven.

KAYLA: I mean he could be mid-20s, some people get married that young.

SARAH: Still, not like it’s a minor.

KAYLA: He’s an adult. I mean I just assumed he was living there for free so they wouldn’t be his landlords, though that’s still, like the judge said, landlord can’t just throw things out that they don’t like. 

SARAH: Yeah that’s not how that works.

KAYLA: So I don’t know if the allo should be the kid, the guy whose porn was destroyed because I don’t think his parent should have done that, you can’t just destroy people’s property but $29,000 worth of porn is a lot of porn. 

SARAH: That’s a lot.

KAYLA: Maybe some are rare like a collectors’ item, maybe a one time print of a Playboy.

SARAH: Do they have collectors’ items for porn?

KAYLA: I don’t know, Sarah. Yeah, I don’t know.

SARAH: I mean, I don’t know who to make the recipient of this nomination because on one hand this guy had $29,000 worth of porn and he was so upset that his parents destroyed it that he sued. On the other hand, I love that the parents’ defense is just that “yeah we did it.”

KAYLA: Yeah they did not deny it. 

SARAH: They owned up to it and they were like, “well we were his landlords” and the judge was like, “no,” and they were like, “okay.” 

KAYLA: They are probably such annoying parents. They really suck so hard.

SARAH: Did they destroy it when he was living there? Cause you said he moved to Muncie. Was his stuff still at his parents’ and he moved to Muncie?

KAYLA: So he moved there for 10 months before moving to Muncie, so my guess is that it happened while he lived there and he had moved since this incident.

SARAH: I mean fair enough.

KAYLA: Is my guess. Yeah, I just don’t know.

SARAH: How did they destroy it? Did they burn it? 

KAYLA: It was magazines and films so.

SARAH: Were the films on DVD?

KAYLA: I would assume so.

SARAH: Was it a VHS tape? A floppy disk?

KAYLA: I don’t know.

SARAH: I would like more details here to be quite frank. Who’s the recipient of this nomination?

KAYLA: It has to be the guy with $29,000 worth of porn right? Who then used more money to hire a lawyer in this lawsuit. Alright.

SARAH: Although I admire his parents’ forthrightness. 

KAYLA: They certainly are — yeah.

SARAH: This is stereotyping but I’d imagine if they’re in Grand Haven people tend to be religious Christian folk in the west side of the state. My best guess as to why it was destroyed is that they had an immoral issue with it. But.

KAYLA: The man just got divorced. Would I spend $29,000 on porn? No. Do I think it’s a little bit ridiculous? Yes. If that’s what’s getting you through.

SARAH: Did he buy all of this porn post-divorce? Was this a collection he was building?

KAYLA: Was this the reason the divorce happened? I don’t know.

SARAH: Questions.

(20:00)

KAYLA: I wonder if that’s part of the divorce. Who gets the $29,000 worth of porn.

SARAH: Yeah was it shared porn?  

KAYLA: Maybe. What if the ex-wife is really the one who destroyed it and then the parents are really taking the blame?

SARAH: Or she paid them?

KAYLA: Mmm. Mm-hmm. 

SARAH: A conspiracy.

KAYLA: I love this. Also just disclaimer, maybe all of these people aren’t allos because obviously ace and aro people can still have sex and engage in sexual activities and romantic relationships but we have to assume they are allos. 

SARAH: We have to assume because of their absurd behavior.

KAYLA: We don’t want to claim any of this absurd behavior within the community.

SARAH: No, of course not. 

KAYLA: Okay. “Man left in stitches after finding X-rated business card under floorboards.” 

SARAH: Stitches like laughing?

KAYLA: Yes.

SARAH: Oh god. 

KAYLA: Obviously everyone can tell that I haven’t seen these before. “A man working to restore an old house to its former glory couldn't help but chuckle after discovering what appears to be a rather old business card under the floorboards.” Imgur users have been very amused. “A rather old-looking business card for one "Percy Long Prong"” who might end up having to be the allo I guess because I don’t know that we can nominate the man who found it. “was found underneath the floorboards while work was being carried out on a house.” “Alongside this, a photo” okay so there’s a photo of this very old business card by Percy Long Prong. Expert frigging, plain and fancy. Terms — cash before mounting. In the top left corner, it says “Maidens treated gently, spinsters delighted.” At the top right corner, it says “extra attention given to neglected married women.” That’s very nice. The bottom left corner says “reduced terms to young parties. Satisfaction guaranteed.” The bottom right says “widows a specialty, PTO for price list.” So that’s what the front of the card says.

SARAH: I love this. 

KAYLA: Let’s see. The back of the card has this price list. We have something insertions, 5s. Where was this? What money type is lowercase s and some ds? I don’t know.

SARAH: I don’t know.

KAYLA: Something scratched out, with caresses. Blank positions I don’t know. Something scuttle. A womb stretch. A tongue bath. I think this says a duff dive, that would make sense. 

SARAH: Oh my.

KAYLA: Per hour is 10s. What does this mean? What money is that? All night is 50s and 2 times guaranteed. In extra attention we have bubble shake, saliva exchange, french tickler, finger diddle, Vaseline (if needed), whips and scorges 3 strokes. Then it says Percy gives green shield stamps. What does this mean? I don’t know. So then a bunch of people were very excited for this man. “"You may notice there is no contact information. Probably a joke card," they say. Yeah, so this is an ancient-looking sex worker’s business card.

SARAH: When you say ancient-looking what do you mean?

KAYLA: I’ll send you the link. It looks like it’s been under some floorboards for a while.

SARAH: I hope this is a joke because it’s funny.

KAYLA: 5s money. Oh it’s old —shillngs. It’s old British money they say. Shillings, whatever d is. A pound? A pence? Maybe that’s a pence.

SARAH: P is probably pence. Wow.

(25:00)

KAYLA: For 50 Shillings you get all night, 2 times guaranteed. For the womb stretch, that’s only 7 Shillings and 6pence. 

SARAH: Wow. I love this. What’s his name?

ALL: Percy Long Prong. 

KAYLA: Cash before mounting, please.

SARAH: I love this, this is excellent. I would unironically give this man Allo of the Year.

KAYLA: If we got business cards, they would say—

SARAH: Percy Long Prong?

KAYLA: No “cash before mounting.”

SARAH: (laughing) Cash before mounting.

KAYLA: Might be the current first place person.

SARAH: I love Percy. 

KAYLA: Okay. From October 2020, I have to be honest, this headline makes no sense to me so it’ll be interesting. “Sex banned indoors for tier 2 couples living apart, number 10 confirms.” I don’t know who number 10 is.

SARAH: Is that the Prime Minister of England?

KAYLA: Oh, maybe. “Couples living apart in areas with Tier 2 restrictions “ I think in America that’s phases. Couples “allowed to have sleepovers unless they are in a “support bubble”, Downing Street confirmed today. Boyfriends and girlfriends will be able to meet outdoors in Tier 2 but are expected to adhere to social distancing rules such as hands, face, and space.” Is that a thing they say over there? “Hands, face, and space?” That’s cute. “They must also adhere to the rule of six.” Wow. Here in America, we’re like stand 6 feet apart. Over there they’re like, [British accent] “hmm, the rule of six.” The Prime Minister’s official spokesman said, “The rules on household mixing in Tier 2 set out that you should mix with your own household only unless you’ve formed a support bubble and that obviously does apply to some couples.” Asked why there was no exemption for people in established relationships in Tier 2, he replied: “Because the purpose of the measures that were put in place is to break the chain in transmission between households and the scientific advice is there is greater transmission of the virus indoors.” Asked if couples could meet outside, he said ““Yes, as it was set out in the guidance,” just follow the rule of six. “He also said people living in Tier 2 areas should not go to Tier 1 areas to socialize indoors.” So you can’t just go on a date to a less restrictive area so you can have sex inside. 

SARAH: Wow. 

KAYLA: “So if you live in Tier 2, you leave Tier 2, you should continue to behave under the rules for Tier 2.”

SARAH: I mean I think all of these is reasonable.

KAYLA: Oh it is. What I think is funny is that they had to—

SARAH: They had to say it. You can’t fuck if you’re in tier 2. Yall just because you’re in a committed relationship doesn’t mean we’ll let you fuck. This is a pandemic.

KAYLA: It’s very good, I just think it’s funny it had to be said.

SARAH: It’s sad it had to be said really.

KAYLA: Yeah.

SARAH: Astounding. 

KAYLA: Okay, here is a really good one.

SARAH: Kay.

KAYLA: “Twitter controlled anal vibrators are the cyberpunk future we need.” 

SARAH: Okay.

KAYLA: Mm-hmm. Okay. Have you heard of these Bluetooth connected vibrators? Have you seen them online?

SARAH: I feel like I’ve heard of Bluetooth controlled ones, I don’t know that I’ve heard of them controlled by the folks of ye olde tweet machine.

KAYLA: I’ve seen a lot of videos of people going out in public with their partners and one of them has it inside and the other has it on their phone and they’re just at dinner. 

SARAH: AAAaaa I don’t like it. 

KAYLA: Uh-huh yep. So, there’s something called the double o, a custom-built battery which theoretically allows for wireless control of any device that uses double A batteries. And the inventor let Twitter know in September that the control extends to anal vibrations. Sorry, vibrators. “To demonstrate his invention, Buck the inventor connected a Double-Oh-augmented vibrator, which was at that time in use, to a Twitter poll.” This is what he tweeted: “"Here we go: my open-source Wi-Fi vibrator is in my butt again. Vibration intensity is controlled by the poll. Liking the tweet means 10 more seconds of vibration. Retweeting means 30 more seconds of vibration." And then there’s a poll that says more intense and less intense. And as you might guess, more intense has 86% of the votes. 

(30:00)

SARAH: How many likes and retweets does this—I imagine this could have very easily gotten viral? And he could have, according to the rules, been stuck with this vibrator just going. 

KAYLA: So 450 people voted. Let me see, can I click on the tweet? Let me see what it looks like right now. It’s taking me to his Twitter. I don’t want to see anything about your Twitter. According to the insert of the tweet in the article, almost 500 people have liked it, I don’t know if that’s via this article or that’s actually how many people that liked it? I don’t know. 

SARAH: I mean, here’s the thing. I—

KAYLA: Oh, Buck said, “"It was rather exhilarating to give up so much control, to hand over that control to a chaotic place like Twitter.” I hate this man.

SARAH: I’m afraid. It’s obviously good that he wouldn’t do this with a full understanding of what he was doing. It’s not like you know. Also, hello?

KAYLA: Also, did he get off from it?

SARAH: So many questions.

KAYLA: I feel like the stress of thinking about like, oh my god, more people keep liking this, I’m going to be like this forever. 

SARAH: How much attention did he want from this tweet? Was there a threshold?

KAYLA: I don’t like it.

SARAH: This concerns me.

KAYLA: I guess that’s a battery attachment. There’s also vibrators that are made to be like this and connected to an app. I saw a TikTok recently of these 3 friends going to a grocery store and they each put one in, and then they’re walking around a grocery store doing it to each other.
SARAH: What is happening on your TikTok?

KAYLA: I don’t know, I don’t know. 

SARAH: How did they show up on your For You page?

KAYLA: I don’t know. I don’t know if they’re a throuple, they looked like high schoolers. I don’t know how they purchased this, maybe they were older but I think you’re supposed to be 18+ to buy stuff like that. I’ve seen so many videos of people being at a restaurant and doing that to their partner.

SARAH: You’re in public. It’s like voyeurism or whatever.  

KAYLA: I’m just worried about the cleanliness situation.

SARAH: I’m worried about a lot of things. I think, listen I get that some people get off on that but for me, I would be so stressed.

KAYLA: Just imagine you look over at someone at a restaurant and that’s what’s happening to them.

SARAH: It baffles me. I think this one’s definitely at the top of my list currently of Worst Allo of the Year. I think Percy Long Prong, I love, a deep love and appreciation. But in terms of winner of the award for what I hate most—

KAYLA: This one’s definitely, yes. Okay. So, “Pa. Health Dept.: Masks Should Be Worn for ‘Safer Sex,’ Recommends Sexting Instead” Oh this is from PA, Pennsylvania. Okay. The Pennsylvania pa Department of Health releases sinful guidelines. So they’re saying this is sinful because this is christiannews.net. “They released sinful guidelines this fall for residents to have “safer sex” during the coronavirus pandemic, including as they engage in fornication with those outside the household or at large gatherings.” You are your safest sex partner,” the guidelines states.

(35:00)

SARAH: That’s true. 

KAYLA: “as posted to the Department of Health website.” We’re really saying anything we want on the Internet, now aren’t we, Pennsylvania Department of Health?

SARAH: Did you see the thing about how, there was something about anal, something that went viral a couple months ago, COVID-related safety precautions. It was the state of New York.

KAYLA: Oh yeah, it was like, don’t be face to face with someone while having sex. 

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Doing it from the back is safer cause you’re not exchanging mouth particles. Yeah, I do remember that. So, “residents should “consider utilizing risk reduction strategies to protect your health and the health of your sex partner(s)” (plural in parenthesis in original).” Christian News is not happy about that.

SARAH: Displeased. 

KAYLA: Your next safest partner is someone you live with. Having close contact, including sex, with someone you live with helps prevent spread. “If you do have sex with others outside of your household: Have as few partners as possible, and pick partners you trust. Ask partners outside your home about COVID-19 status before you meet and engage in sex.” It’s like you’re supposed to ask people if they might have an STD—

SARAH: Exactly. If you’re HIV positive, you need to be telling people. If you’ve been exposed to COVID, you need to be telling people. 

SIRI: I don’t understand.

KAYLA: Me either, girl.

SARAH: Sorry to my watch.

KAYLA: You should try to identify a consistent sex partner. One should wear a face mask when engaged in sexual activity.

SARAH: No smoochin’.

KAYLA: No smooching. If the person usually meets sex partners online, they suggest not doing that. “ finding alternate means to hook up, such as via “[v]ideo dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms,—” what they’re saying is OnlyFans “or chat rooms.” I just love here is that the government is openly telling people to sext and get on OnlyFans and watch porn.

SARAH: Hop right off OnlyFans. Get off of Grindr and get on PornHub is what the state of Pennsylvania says.

KAYLA: This article goes on to talk about how all of this is sinful, there’s some great Bible quotes about sex and marriage and stuff. So, yeah. The Pennsylvania Department of Health is just being very sinful.

SARAH: If you’re going to take this from a religious standpoint, they’re saying that one of your safest options could be someone living at your home, which could be your spouse. That would be fine. They’re encouraging people to fuck the people in their home who they’re not related to.

KAYLA: The Department of Health saying to have sex with as few amount of people as possible. You’d think the Christians would like this development. 

SARAH: Right, but they’re saying no, they’re still encouraging sex at all, therefore it’s bad. 

KAYLA: Yeah.

SARAH: Bullashita.

KAYLA: You ready for the next one?

SARAH: I am.

KAYLA: “Man used sex to sell his van.” “Graphic designer Nicholas Watt has always had a way with words, but had no idea how much attention he would have captured when he decided to post a particular ad on the back of a minivan that he was trying to sell. Displayed in large, bold letters is the word 'SEX!', followed by 'See How Yuh Fasss' -- 'Van for Sale'.” Oh, this is just riddled with typos isn’t it from the Jamaica Star. "People always stopped me and told me that it is a good idea to sell stuff and how the sticker got them off guard. The sticker doesn't say sex for sale, but persons say that is what they read at first, and when they read again they see the real message," this person told Star. “he sold the vehicle two weeks after he posted the advertisement. He also claims to have received numerous calls from persons who were interested in getting a similar sticker.” That’s basically it. He sold this van very quickly by making it seem like he was selling sex.

(40:00)

SARAH: That’s honestly excellent. Good on him.

KAYLA: Yeah, I’m not too mad about that one.

SARAH: He knows that sex sells. You know what else sells? His van.

KAYLA: It did.

SARAH: I support his choices. I don’t fully understand what he wrote on it. You said this was from the Jamaica Star. It might be some local slang I’m not familiar with. But I think did great.

KAYLA: I agree. Taking it back to the States. “Adult toy shop Romantix remains open in Iowa after state closes many nonessential stores.” “Though many retail businesses like bookstores, flower shops, and clothing stores are under a statewide order to close, Iowans can still purchase sex toys and lingerie in person. Romantix, an adult entertainment store with nine locations across the state, remains. To combat the spread of coronavirus, the governor ordered several "nonessential" retail locations to close last week. They can still offer curbside pickup or delivery of items, similar to how restaurants may still offer food for takeout. But Romantix, which bills itself as the "premier adult toy retailer in Des Moines," is still selling sex toys, lingerie, and adult DVDs. The governors’ order does not explicitly mention adult entertainment stores, so the stores are legally allowed to remain open. However, several similar establishments have already closed on their own. Lovers Playground closed.”

SARAH: Where are the lovers supposed to play now?

KAYLA: The Lion’s Den.

SARAH: Oh the Lion’s Den, a classic. 

KAYLA: Where are the lions going to live?

SARAH: You always see the Lion’s Den billboards when you’re on the highway in the middle of nowhere.

KAYLA: I know. Store representatives were able to confirm that the stores would remain open. But questions about any limitations in store services were referred to the company's corporate office. Seems like all of their Iowa locations would remain open and the company’s corporate office did not return a request for a comment. It just goes on to talk about COVID numbers which I don’t want to read about. Anyway, apparently, sex shops are essential businesses in Iowa.

SARAH: I appreciate their ingenuity in saying we’re not explicitly listed on this list so we’re going to stay open. I am a little bit worried about the health and safety of Iowans, but I think that’s on the government for not listing sex shops as non-essentials.

KAYLA: They probably should have listed every type of store ever.

SARAH: Or at least had some kind of language that said “and anything else unless stated otherwise.”

KAYLA: That’s what they should have done. They should have said “here’s what can stay open, if you’re not listed, go away.” That would have been easier. But I guess if they’re talking about your safest sex partner is you you might have to go to the store and get something to help you with that. Maybe it is essential I don’t know. 

SARAH: I do appreciate the ingenuity of those who work there and said you know what, “I think we’re essential.” According to the allos, sex is essential.

KAYLA: I guess the CEO of Romantix would be the nominee there. “FOX Sports Announcer Joe Buck Pleads Public to Stop Sending Him Sex Tapes to Call 'Play-by-Play.” “just over a week ago, as Americans first began coming to terms with the lockdown” this is a story from April. “FOX Sports broadcaster Joe Buck asked sports fans to give him some new material to "work on his play-by-play." Cause at the time sports were not happening. “With the world of sports grinding to a halt, there’s no live broadcast, the dearth of sporting events has been equally hard to stomach for both fans and analysts.”

SARAH: Or would you say anal-ysts.

(45:00)

KAYLA: Thank you. So Buck is the lead play-by-play voice for NFL and MLB. He was just trying to provide some comic relief during these unprecedented times. He said, "I have good news for you,” on Twitter in March. "While we're all quarantined right now without any sports, I'd love to get some practice reps in. Send me videos of what you're doing at home and I'll work on my play-by-play." His request proved enormously popular as Twitter responded enthusiastically and Buck, who has called so many games I guess, who cares,  did a lot of commentary from trick golf shots in the garden, to marble racing and kids throwing a football around in the garden. “Except that some have taken the requests down a somewhat more personal path, which could test even the skills of a seasoned commentator as the 50-year-old. Speaking in an interview, Buck pleaded for fans to stop sending him sex tapes to call on a "play-by-play" basis. "I've received quite a few. And you have to be careful. You have to go through these videos like the Zapruder film because you're worried that there's going to be something in the background, there's going to be something hidden like a Highlights Magazine that we should not focus on, but it's still there and it becomes some internet thing where I put my voice to something that I shouldn't have. I've had a couple of submissions from let's say, a man and a woman, that just didn't seem appropriate to put my voice to in this stage of my life. Maybe later in life, but not now. I look at these videos very carefully and pick the ones that seem the most wholesome to put my voice to.” So yeah he doesn’t want to do play-by-play of sex tapes.

SARAH: But he’s not ruling it out for the future. 

KAYLA: He’s not! Which I respect.

SARAH: I think there’s a real potential in the industry of pornographic commentary, like live play-by-play commentary. I don’t think this is Buck’s fault.

KAYLA: I don’t either. I think up for nomination would be people of Twitter.
SARAH: All of the people who sent in sex tapes. That’s not a single person. While I definitely think those people are Allo of the Year material, because of the multitude of people, I don’t think they can take the lead because you can’t narrow it down to one person. I don’t think it was Buck’s fault. I feel like I’ve seen some of the videos. Not the sex tape but you know marble racing and random stuff he’s done commentary on. So I’m sorry this happened to you, Buck. Maybe we should have seen this coming but I’m glad your innocence was still intact at least.

KAYLA: Agree. We’ve been doing a lot of sex ones. This one I think is more in the romance section. “Man requests sword fight with ex-wife and lawyer to settle legal dispute.”

SARAH: I love this. I’m going to put on the record right now, I know nothing else about this story. This is great. I’d like to hear more.

KAYLA: Well here you go. “A Kansas man has asked an Iowa judge to let him engage in a sword fight with his ex-wife and her attorney in a trial by combat that will settle their ongoing legal dispute. David Ostrom, 40, of Kansas, said in January” this is January, so it’s almost been a full year. “In a court filing that his former wife, Bridgette Ostrom and her attorney, Matthew Hudson, had “destroyed (him) legally.” The judge had the power to let the parties “resolve our disputes on the field of battle, legally,” said David, adding in his filing that trial by combat “has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in these United States.”

SARAH: In these United States. 

KAYLA: “He also asked the judge for 12 weeks’ time so he could secure Japanese samurai swords. The Ostroms have been embroiled in disputes over custody and visitation issues and property tax payments.” So they have children. His motion filed stemmed from his frustrations with his ex-wife’s attorney. “I think I’ve met Mr Hudson’s absurdity with my own absurdity,“ he said, adding that his former wife could choose Hudson to act as her champion. So he could fight on her behalf. Hudson argued in his legal response that because a duel could end in death, “such ramifications likely outweigh those of property tax and custody issues”. Hudson asked the judge to reject the request for trial by combat. The judge said in his own filing Monday that he won’t be issuing a decision anytime soon, citing irregularities with both sides’ motions and responses. The judge said, ““Until the proper procedural steps to initiate a court proceeding are followed, this court will take no further action concerning any motion, objection or petition filed by either party at this time.”

(50:00)
SARAH: At first, I was like, is this a fight to death? I don’t know if that’s the best idea. But then when it came out the guy was just doing it because he was so frustrated by the absurdity of his wife’s lawyer’s requests. And he knew that they wouldn’t say yes. He didn’t actually want a sword fight.

KAYLA: Well I mean that’s what it seems but also we don’t know that.

SARAH: We don’t know that for sure but that’s the vibe I get and I think that is hilarious. 

KAYLA: Oh it’s very good.
SARAH: It’s unique, it’s a concept we haven’t seen before, it’s original. And I appreciate that. I think this is up there with the X-rated business card as things I unironically love. 

KAYLA: Yes, I agree. Okay, we’re going to do one last one are you ready?

SARAH: I’m ready.

KAYLA: A ghost  “In a recent sex-advice column published on Slate, an unnamed writer came to the columnists with a classic quandary: Her friend appears to be engaging in sexual relations with a ghost, and she doesn’t know what to do about it.” Maybe mind your own business and don’t write to a magazine about it, I don’t know. “At first, when the friend divulged that she was “masturbating while thinking of a man who lived in her apartment in the 1920s,” the writer thought she was joking. But over the past few months, it seems, the friend has apparently grown increasingly smitten with John. She references him as though they are partners. She posts about him on social media.” Okay perhaps I would get involved in this, this seems more serious. “So enraptured is this woman by her ghostly lover that she is even considering abstaining from seeing an old sex partner out of concern that it might make John jealous. And the writer is troubled: “I can’t tell if this is harmless or if I should have a more direct conversation with her about it.”” So this person says, “Now I mean no disrespect toward of the advice of columnist Rich Juz-juaz-Juzwiak,” who cares.

SARAH: I bet he cares.

KAYLA: He probably does but alas. “He believes the friend to be either “fully aware of how ridiculous this is or not at all, and the latter case would be cause for concern … probably.” So this person from The Cut would like to offer their own opinion. “As I see it,” they say. “Banging a ghost is the perfect solution to safe sex amid the coronavirus pandemic. If you don’t believe in the supernatural, you may see it as a sort of vivid fantasy, like masturbating with a few extra bells and whistles. (Remember that masturbating is something NYC health officials enthusiastically approve of.) And if you do believe in ghosts, well … the whole thing seems ideal! Having a disembodied spirit as a sexual partner means you can carry on your affair from the comfort of your own home — ideal in a time of responsible social distancing — and you also don’t have to worry about COVID-19 transmission (unless the World Health Organization is sitting on information unknown to me). Instead, you get to focus on the matter at hand: Having nasty, sweaty ghost sex. Which brings me to the most compelling reason to let a ghost hit it — and not just now, but at any point in time: They know how to lay pipe. In 2004, Anna Nicole Smith said a ghost gave her “some amazing sex.” Kesha once proclaimed she “went to the bone zone” with a spirit.”

SARAH: They’ve had a lot of time to practice!

KAYLA: Exactly! He’s from the 1920s! “Speaking of her own ghostly experience, Lucy Liu said, “It was sheer bliss. I felt everything. I climaxed. And then he floated away.”” Lucy! ”A generous lover who kindly leaves you to yourself to bask in your meditative post-orgasm state? Bliss, indeed.”

SARAH: Lucy Liu, that is the Michigan difference.

KAYLA: Wow, so yeah.

SARAH: I mean I think that’s just funny.

KAYLA: It’s very good. This person, Amanda Arnold, who wrote this, thank you for all of your opinions on ghost sex.

SARAH: I think if I were Amanda Arnold I would probably say something similar. If I were the friend of this person, I think what really gets me is the posting on social media presumably unironically. 

KAYLA: I would love to know who this woman is. 

SARAH: I would be very concerned for this person’s mental health.

KAYLA: What would you do Sarah if I started doing something like this?

SARAH: I would ghost you.

KAYLA: Well you legally can’t so now what?

(55:00)

SARAH: I would swordfight you to the death.

KAYLA: Interesting, so I would just be a ghost like my lover.

SARAH: But then I’d be out of our legal obligation.
KAYLA: I guess.

SARAH: Wow.

KAYLA: So there you have it.

SARAH: Well I have written down all the things you’ve listed so let’s just do a quick review for the kids. Cyberpunk 2077 dildos, sex fantasy acquittal, suing parents for destroying porn, X-rated business card, No COVID fucking, Twitter-controlled vibrators, Yes COVID sexting, selling van via sex, sex store = essential, play-by-play sex tapes commentary, sword fight divorce trial by combat, and ghost COVID fucking.

KAYLA: We covered a lot of ground. I feel like there were some really good ones in there.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Some not good ones.

SARAH: I think the one for me that still is Allo of the Year in terms of the thing I’m most disturbed by, the thing that concerns me most is the Twitter controlled vibrator. I appreciate the enthusiastic consent on all sides of this, however I’m just still alarmed by it. 

KAYLA: I think I have to agree. I would like us to pick a top four and make that our Twitter poll. But I do think that’s also my pick. But I do want to see what the people pick.

SARAH: Now for the top 4, are we going to include our unironic favorites in that? Cause if we are, I’d like to include X-rated business card and sword fight divorce. But if we’re talking about most alarming thing, I don’t think those make it.

KAYLA: I don’t know.

SARAH: Let’s look at this list. Other things to make the poll, I think the suing parents for destroying porn, maybe the sex fantasy acquittal—

KAYLA: I just love—what’s his face? The one from the business card, what’s his name?

SARAH: Oh Percy. Percy Long Prong.

KAYLA: Thank you. I just love him.

SARAH: Me too. Do we want to throw Percy Long Prong in there?

KAYLA: I think we have to.

SARAH: Let’s do that.

KAYLA: We got Percy. We got our choice, which is, how do we write that?

SARAH: Twitter controlled vibrator. Suing parents for destroying porn, and sex fantasy acquittal.

KAYLA: I might include pictures of these headlines with the poll.

SARAH: Just for a little bit of context? Good. Excellent. Alright you can find that poll—no wait we have to do our beef and juice. I mean you can find that poll but we’ll tell you when and where. Who, how. Why. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week?

KAYLA: I wrote some down. My beef is that yesterday I woke up and I itched my nose a little bit and my nose ring popped off. And somehow even though it’s fine in the top part which is the very expensive part was fine which is good. But I couldn’t get it back on I think I broke the part that connects them and I couldn’t go to the place I got the piercing because I’ve traveled recently, and so they wouldn’t have me in which is fair. So then I had to go to Hot Topic and get a shitty one I can leave in my nose so the hole doesn’t close up.

SARAH: Oh so you went to Hot Topic.

KAYLA: Oh so I did go to Hot Topic. So I had to keep taking it out and putting a nose ring and I had never taken it out before yesterday so it was bleeding. It’s very uncomfortable. The skin of your nostril is quite thick so you can feel it the whole way it feels awful.

SARAH: Nostril skin will really getcha.

KAYLA: So that’s my beef. I’m incredibly annoyed about it. I kept waking up last night being afraid the one I have now fell out because it’s a lot thinner, there’s no backing really. It’s very stressful. Anyway. My juice is I finally got a job!

SARAH: Yes you did!

KAYLA: I’m finally employed which is very exciting so that’s nice. I don’t have to start till the 11th which means I get a nice Christmas break. My other juice is the videogame Ikenfell which people tweeted about months ago because there’s an aromantic character. I haven’t come to the part of the story that comes up yet though I’m at the end so I don’t know if I missed something but it’s a very good vidge game. And I would recommend it.

(1:00:00)

SARAH: My juice, I didn’t prepare my beef and juice last week which is why I forgot to say this, Kayla started watching Schitt’s Creek.

KAYLA: Oh my god I was also going to say that this week but I also forgot but I did start watching Schitt’s Creek. I’m on season 5. Yes.

SARAH: It’s a delight for me. She’ll send me random comments out of context and it’s wonderful. It finally happened guys we did. My other juice is that I started learning Korean on accident.

KAYLA: Was it on accident though? Tell me that.

SARAH: Well, kind of. Because here’s the thing. I’ve expressed this to Kayla, I don’t know if I’ve expressed this on the pod or not. I am annoyed by the fact that when I look at written Korean I can’t pronounce it. If I look at Spanish written down, I can’t understand it but I can say it. I might butcher it a little bit but I can say it. But because Korean uses different alphabet, I can’t read it. That bothered it. So on a whim, I added it to my Duolingo because I wanted to be able to understand the alphabet, and then I kept doing it. And will I continue learning it once I have the whole alphabet down? There’s only one way to find out.

KAYLA: Depends if you get hyperfixated by them.

SARAH: Yeah I’m just kind of surprised I kept doing it. So, that’s where we’re at. My beef is that I have no song writing or music producing skills. I think that would be neat.

KAYLA: Isn’t this a beef you just had?

SARAH: I told you about it two days ago. I think it would be neat to be good at that but you’re telling me I have to put effort in to be average at it? That’s some bullashita. So that’s my beef. Kayla the reason you think I’ve said it before is because I’ve said it to you.

KAYLA: Multiple times I think. Seems very familiar.

SARAH: This is a decent thing. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, your Allo of the Year or you can vote on our poll on our social media @soundsfakepod. You can also find us on our Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie, Tessa, MattiousT, Courtney Pritchard, Chris Lauretano, Dia Chappell, Sam, and Megan Jeffrey. Our $10 patrons are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games such as D&D, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote her dogs Leia, Minnie, and Max, and also would like to promote H. Valdís, who is our next $10 patron. Purple Chickadee, ichliebevogel.wordpress.com, Barefoot Backpacker, Ashlynn Boedecker, who is @shlynnbo everywhere, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to promote Thought Slime's segment The Eyeball Zone, Mattie who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow the heteronormativity in support of Melody the Hamster and Andrew Hillum who would like to support being excellent to each other. I also support and promote that Andrew. Good call. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote mental health, Miranda Denton who would like to promote Casa Q, Leila who would like to promote Christmastime lasting the entirety of December or however long you want. I heartily agree, Leila. Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth and Dragonfly who would like to promote bagels.

KAYLA: Mm-hmm okay.

SARAH: Thanks for listening, I hope everyone has a safe, healthy, happy holiday season. And the new year. And tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears,

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.