Ep 179: The First Gay Bachelor and the Pressure to Conform

Hey what's up hello! Recently Colton Underwood of the Bachelor fame came out as gay. We're not huge bachelor fans, but we wanted to discuss the story behind his coming out and what his story shows about the societal pressure to conform.

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(0:00)

SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)

SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: the first gay Bachelor.

ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!

KAYLA: Uhhh…

SARAH: I have one. It’s thematic but it’s also a repeat but it’s okay because it’s thematic. I got stabbed with M’oderna. 

KAYLA: Is that-oh okay, it is a repeat because it’s Moderna. For some reason I thought the I got stabbed part was thematic, was a repeat, or it was somehow thematic to what we were talking about and I was like, is that a quote from the Bachelor I was very confused.

SARAH: No, we’ve done Moderna before but I got stabbed with it this week.

KAYLA: You did, it’s true. She has the Dolly Parton juice in her veins. 

SARAH: That Dolly Parton shit!

KAYLA: Good thing you didn’t get Johnson and Johnson. 

SARAH: I mean—

KAYLA: Not that it’s bad.
SARAH: I would have still fucking gotten in I wouldn’t care.

KAYLA: The whole blood clot thing is stupid. More people get blood clots from birth control than the 6 people that got blood clots from Johnson and Johnson. But I feel like if they take it away forever are the people who got it going to have to get a new vaccination? What are they going to do?

SARAH: No it still works. I know some people who got Johnson and Johnson and it’s still a vaccine.

KAYLA: I would feel weird if I had it I don’t know.

SARAH: Well.

KAYLA: Anyway, I don’t so.

SARAH: Anyway.

KAYLA: I am fully inoculated now at this point.
SARAH: Exciting. Yeah, to all of our listeners, if you are eligible in your place of living to get vaccinated, please get vaccinated.

KAYLA: Do it!

SARAH: I would let them stick me up with anything. Fucking AstroZenica is not approved in the United States, I would fucking get that shit. Johnson and Johnson, I don’t care about the blood clots. Gimme that shit.

KAYLA: What if you got all of the vaccines?

SARAH: Weird off brand? Did I send you that TikTok? There was a TikTok of a guy—we’ll come back to this, it’s not relevant.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: Okay. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?

KAYLA: We got some breaking news. Definitely the most important news to come out of this week. 

SARAH: Yep. The most important news to come out of this week. 

KAYLA: That, okay. Remember I don’t remember how many episodes ago, we talked about The Bachelor. And there was this bachelor on, he was a virgin and at also one point jumped over a fence. It was very dramatic. 

SARAH: Also his season was the one where a girl pretended to be Australian, which honestly, if you’re going to pretend to have an accent, why pick the hardest one, you know? 

KAYLA: Also that season, there was a gay, one of the girls, one of the contestants was bi, I think?

SARAH: Oh, was Demi in his season?

KAYLA: I think so.
SARAH: Oh I didn’t realize she was in his season. Demi is bi though.

KAYLA: Pretty sure she was in his season. So Colton is this bachelor, who was the virgin, he was the fence jumper.

SARAH: He apparently used to play for the NFL.

KAYLA: He did, he was an NFL player but he came out as gay. But he was on the Bachelor for women.

SARAH: Yeah and it’s just an interesting piece of news and we thought it related to some things that we had been thinking about a lot recently which we may or may not be thinking about recently for something we may or may not be writing to be released in I don’t know, just a wild guess, spring 2023?

KAYLA: It might be our book, I don’t know. To be clear though, we are not talking about The Bachelor in our book.

SARAH: We’re not.

KAYLA: Before we get too deep into this, my favorite thing to come out of this interview with Billy Eichner, did you see the clip?

SARAH: I did, I did.

KAYLA: Where Billy Eichner, the incredible comedian from Billie—he did a lot of things but he’s from Billie on the Street—was interviewing him or something and was like—

(5:00)

SARAH: It was on this season of The Bachelor. It was on this season. Chris Harrison was sitting next to Billy Eichner. 

KAYLA: I didn’t realize it was in The Bachelor season. Oh my god that’s so funny.

SARAH: I think it might have been an extra thing, but it was official Bachelor. 

KAYLA: That’s so funny. Billy Eichner was like, “well Colton I’m gay. You might not be familiar with that but you should check it out cause maybe you’re gay.” And Colton looks like he is having a gay panic in his eyes and then Billy Eichner is like, maybe you could be the first gay Bachelor and no one even knew. And he was like, ha ha ha. 

SARAH: And then, several years later. 

KAYLA: And then it was true.

SARAH: Billy Eichner is actually a fortune teller I think.

KAYLA: I love him. He’s so funny. But anyway.

SARAH: Anyway, but yes. We want to talk about why this is so much in the news and what it has to do with asexuality because it does have to do with asexuality. 

KAYLA: I feel like we talked-did we talk about this in an episode? But just like the whole hoopla around him being a virgin and all of that kind of stuff. 

SARAH: Yeah. Let’s start there. 

KAYLA: Did we talk about this in an episode?

SARAH: We must have. If we didn’t it’s fine.

KAYLA: I know we’ve done episodes about The Bachelor. Whatever.

SARAH: We talked a little bit more about Bachelor in Paradise, but, whatever. 

KAYLA: There’s a cat screaming outside my door. 

SARAH: Okay cool. I think we should start with the virgin thing because it was emphasized a lot in his season, that he was the virgin Bachelor and he had never had sex and it was a big deal. And it was, I don’t pretend to be a Bachelor expert, I know some people are. 

KAYLA: You’re not part of Bachelor nation.

SARAH: I know some people who are and I didn’t even like watch this whole interview he did with 60 Minutes or Good Morning America. I didn’t even watch this whole interview, I have just seen the coverage of it. But, it was such a big deal that he was the virgin Bachelor, and it was a religious thing. 

KAYLA: I think what he mentioned in his interview when he was coming out as gay is that he didn’t have a great answer for why he was a virgin cause the real reason was that he was gay and it just became a religious thing because that was the more acceptable answer than coming to terms with himself being gay.

SARAH: That was the safe answer, cause people understand to be like okay, the kinds of people who watch The Bachelor will be like, okay. And it makes for good TV. So, he’s the virgin bachelor. He is not an unproblematic figure. We’re not going to dive into that too much, we don’t want to put him on a pedestal in any sense here. It is interesting to look at. He’s this you know, white guy, an American, who was like, I feel the need to be straight to such an extent that I am literally going to go on The Bachelor and be the Bachelor and have 24 women compete for my affection. And expect to get engaged out of it. And it was so ingrained in him, what society tells you what you’re supposed to do.

KAYLA: I’m sure playing football did not help that.

SARAH: Certainly not. 

KAYLA: I also didn’t watch the full interview but I read some quotes from it or whatever. He was like, I knew I was different since I was six. But like, if you’re growing up, I have to imagine he played football in high school. He played football in college or went to NFL or whatever. That’s not a great place to be gay, that’s a very masculine energy. That’s a very all-American boy situation, cause he has that look too. He looks the all-American white lil boy.

SARAH: He looks like a white NFL player is what he looks like.

KAYLA: He is not unattractive, he looks like a little southern country Christian boy.

SARAH: He fulfills that stereotype in every other sense. I would like you to know that Bogie is sniffing my mic he is part of today’s episode. 

KAYLA: Thank you Bogie.

SARAH: I would like everyone to know that just as I said that Bogie’s a part of this podcast, he stopped my recording.

(10:00)

KAYLA: He said, actually I’d rather you not talk about this. Let’s talk about me.

SARAH: And then, I went to restart the recording again but I accidentally started recording over the previous file. And then I had to make sure that I could recover it. Anyway. 

KAYLA: Bogie. 

SARAH: Bogie, Bogie, Bogie. Okay, what was I saying? He’s the stereotype right. And so everyone but especially people who fulfill that stereotype or who are—Bogie!

KAYLA: Have you ever talked about Bogie on the podcast?

SARAH: Bogie is my roommate’s cat. He is a lovely little boy. But it’s getting towards the time of day when he starts deciding it’s time to play.

KAYLA: That is also the time—actually, have you eaten? Is that why you’re annoyed? Hold on. Don’t bite me. Fuck. Well then what’s your damage? What’s the situation we’re having here? Okay. Let’s leave all of this in.
SARAH: Okay. Don’t eat my plant. If you eat, I yeet you out the window you fool.

KAYLA: This is just a cat episode.

SARAH: Bogie likes to stick his little snake teeth into my fake plant. Anyway. Wow. Fuck, what’s happening? He fulfills the stereotypes. And so people feel so much pressure to fulfill the stereotypes and do what society tells them they should do. Especially for someone who looks so—he can squeeze into that stereotype so easily. I’m sure he faced a ton of fucking pressure to do things a certain way and it was to such an extent he found himself on The Bachelor. 

KAYLA: And it’s not untrue that he’s very religious. He is very religious. He also, as part of the interview, or it was in his book I think he has a memoir or something. I read that, when he got on The Bachelor—

SARAH: What is the memoir on?

KAYLA: I don’t know. 

SARAH: He’s not old enough for a memoir.

KAYLA: In the interview or the book or whatever, he said when he got on The Bachelor, he thanked god for making him straight.

SARAH: Which is a lot.

KAYLA: That’s very sad. You know what else is sad?

SARAH: The fact that he got a Netflix show.

KAYLA: This train. But also that, yeah. 

SARAH: Oh. I mean, he immediately actively announced, oh he’s got a Netflix show now, and it’s like, okay, white privilege.

KAYLA: And it’s the reality TV cycle of he’s a reality TV star now so they know people are going to watch it.

SARAH: Yeah. And also apparently he didn’t treat some of the women in his life great in the past so again, not a perfect figure but a good example of—yes, Bogie?—what’s he a good example of? He’s a good example of looking out the window. He’s a good example of what can happen if you keep going down that road. And I don’t want to blame him for the fact that it took him this long to get to this point.

KAYLA: And also doesn’t excuse any of his behavior either.

SARAH: It doesn’t. It’s just the impact of us being told we should live a certain way or being told we should fulfill a certain stereotype is so profound and ingrained and pisses me off.

KAYLA: It’s the type of thing that you would like to believe doesn’t happen anymore. It’s like oh we’re in modern times, people are so much more accepting of being gay and having a different sexuality. Yeah maybe but also that doesn’t take away the larger pressure. 

SARAH: There’s still certain places that still encourages a certain type of existence. And ugh.

KAYLA: Oh.

(15:00) 
SARAH: Sorry, Bogie’s decided to rub his face on my hat. Anyway, this is an interesting episode, folks. What were we saying? It is stupid. It’s all stupid. I think specifically too, The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise is so profoundly heteronormative nad we saw some breakaway with that with Demi on Bachelor in Paradise and that was a huge deal. And I think this is just proof that, look, whether or not you like the whole Bachelor franchise or not. It makes money and people watch it and it’s going to continue. With or without Chris Harrison.

KAYLA: What is annoying is that it doesn’t have to be that way though. I was talking to Padya our friend who is also our transcriber and Padya was telling me about this MTV—it was this dating show which has the best premise I’ve ever heard. I mean it’s obviously stupid but very intriguing. So you get interviewed and do a test or whatever by a matchmaker. And then a train comes. And then, so the matchmaker gives you a score and they pick—there’s one other person in the house or whatever that you have the best match with. But they don’t tell you who it is. Then Seasons 1-7 I guess is straight. So if you’re a man you’re matched with a woman. But the 8th season is whatever. There’s a bunch of people with a bunch of different sexualities so the opportunities are endless. So you go through, you’re living in the house, you hook up whatever and then people get very sad when they realize the person they’ve fallen for is not the one they are compatible with allegedly.

SARAH: Yeah but also what the fuck does that really mean?

KAYLA: Yeah. A. What an incredible—when Padya was telling me about it I was like *gasp* they don’t tell them who it is do they and Padya was like, they don’t and I was like oh my god. But what I’m trying to get at is to prove that you don’t need to have dating shows that are straight.

SARAH: Yeah and there are ways to bring queerness into The Bachelor which doesn’t have to change the premise or the audience.

KAYLA: It also is already polyamory basically.

SARAH: It is, it is.

KAYLA: You wouldn’t think that non-queer people would be more accepting of polyamory at this point but then you have people in polyamorous relationships and people still have a very difficult time accepting that. 

SARAH: Yeah they’re like, it’s fine if you’re casually seeing them but if it’s a long-term committed relationship, no.

KAYLA: Seems backwards. Doesn’t it seem like it should be the other way if you’re going to pick something to be wrong. 

SARAH: I don’t know. But yeah I don’t know it’s so frustrating, there are so many queer people who watch The Bachelor or watch The Bachelorette. It’s not like the audience isn’t there. 

KAYLA: Oh my god people would eat up a queer Bachelor season. People would just die for it.

SARAH: But then you’d have those people who are like, “actually I’m religious.” Well, okay. So is Colton and Colton’s gay.

KAYLA: It’s interesting he said he took some time for himself, to process things. But he said his relationship with god is better than ever, which, good for you dude.

SARAH: Yeah it’s almost as if, if you are religious and you come to terms with your true self, that will only improve your relationship with god or whatever it is you believe in because isn’t it what you believe, that they made you who you are?

KAYLA: One would think.

SARAH: One would think. So, you know. We’re not going to get too into—I’m not going to read you the draft of the book chapter, it’s also much better worded there than it is here but I don’t know, I just think like, it’s such a concrete example of people doing things because they think they should and other people pushing them in certain directions. And it has to be such a big deal when he comes out because it has to be like, oh he was the bachelor he was the fence jumper, it’s an event. He had to do it on Good Morning America. He couldn’t just quietly come out to his friends. If it’s going to be a public thing, he has to make it a thing. Because he’s a public figure cause he was seen as a straight public figure, it would be so much easier if he just didn’t make as big of a deal out of all of this. Or anyway you want to live was an option to begin with. But it’s not and so he has to fucking go on Good Morning America and announce that he’s gay. 

(20:00)

KAYLA: That is true. I haven’t really put much thought into not so much repercussions but the lie maybe behind why it has been such a big deal because it did feel like natural that he would do it on TV because he’s a reality TV figure but also the fact that it is being made into such a big deal is—in some ways it’s good because then it’s more queer exposure in media but in a lot of ways it’s also bad that it’s showing that coming out as gay has to be a big deal. Because it can be a big deal for a lot of people. And you know, imagine too if he was like, actually I’m aroace. People wouldn’t be as accepting of that as they are about him being gay. Maybe the reason I see people being very accepting is because the people who I know whether or not they watch The Bachelor are people who are accepting to queer folks. I’m not actively seeking out, who’s saying bad shit about this. It’s notable that he as a white man came out as gay and not something else because I think the reaction would have been different if it were—whether it’s aspec or whether it’s bi or pan or something gender-related or whether he came out as trans, that would be a whole other can of worms I think. 

KAYLA: Yeah I can’t even imagine what would happen if he came out as aspec because especially with the whole virginity thing. I think about that a lot. I’ve been watching a lot of reality TV lately as I’ve mentioned. Especially like reality competition shows, very intense ones, they always want people to talk about their trauma and talk about very difficult things. It’s a joke on Rupaul’s Drag Race, like “cute outfit, okay now tell me about your dad dying.” And I think a lot about if what would happen if someone was openly aro or ace on a show like that where they encourage people to get in fights, they encourage people to have controversial conversations, they encourage people to be incredibly open with very sensitive things. That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. What would happen if someone on a show like Big Brother or a show like Rupaul’s Drag Race or a big reality competition show—I don’t even know.

SARAH: I actually just Googled this because I was wondering—the fantasy suites are a big thing on the Bachelor.

KAYLA: Explain.
SARAH: So the fantasy suites are basically, once you get far enough into the competition, usually I think it’s the final 3 or 4. You basically have your first opportunity to have sex with them. You get to spend the night together and it’s a whole thing. 

KAYLA: It’s very clearly established that this is a sex thing.
SARAH: It’s a sex thing and I just Googled it and it looks like he only went on one fantasy suite date with Taysha. Our girl Taysha. But they did not have sex. It’And Taysha clarified, no we didn’t have sex. It’s such a thing. That they had to say that.

KAYLA: And it was either in this interview or whatever.

SARAH: Hold on, I might be wrong. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Folks, we had to pause this because I had to make sure I had accurate information. He also did the fantasy suite with Cassie who I think was the one he ended up getting engaged to.

KAYLA: No, here’s the thing. He didn’t get engaged to anyone. Usually the show ends with the bachelor proposing to the bachelorette—whoever, winner. They were the second Bachelor couple ever that left the show not engaged. Which is also notable to the entire situation.

SARAH: Yeah. But apparently in his book that came out in 2020, he had a fantasy suite in Cassie, but in the book the next chapter is called “what happened in the fantasy suite” and the entire chapter just says “none of your business.” An incredible chapter honestly.

KAYLA: I saw something in the book or the interview or whatever where him and whatever girl he ended up with had to eventually say “stop stop asking us about sex, please stop asking us about our sexual relationship, if we’ve had sex, please stop.”

SARAH: It’s such a big deal. Look I’m not a Bachelor expert but anyone listening who might be or might know any please let us know if we get anything wrong. But, the TL;DR is that it was made such a big deal that he was the virgin bachelor and they were like, oh my god is he going to have sex in the fantasy suite, like oh my god blah blah blah, they just kept getting asked because people needed to know for some reason. Because they thought it was so important, he’s 28, he’s never had sex like oh my god.

KAYLA: And even him coming out as gay aside, that’s its own whole just like—

SARAH: It doesn’t fucking matter if he’s gay for that to be fucking weird, you know? He could be straight as can be and that’s still fucking weird that that’s such a thing. And it’s not like it’s not weird because he’s gay. 

KAYLA: It’s a lot. I constantly struggle with this kind of thing, like on one hand America is way too—America especially is way too prudish about sex. We refuse to talk about sex but then on the other hand as much as we as a society refuse to talk about sex, do sex ed correctly whatever, then you have stuff on TV like this where all people do is talk about sex. So on the one hand, I’m like, yes it is weird that people keep pestering them about sex but also sex shouldn’t be a big deal so it almost shouldn’t be a big deal to talk about sex and ask people. It’s a weird sort of, you need to simultaneously make sex not a big deal to talk about but also respect people’s privacy. You know? It’s weird. 

SARAH: I do. We don’t talk about sex in our society except for acceptable types of sex. The straight whatever. It’s also just so wild to me a lot of the people on the Bachelor do identify as religious Christians and a lot of people who watch it. It seems like that’s going against—I have questions. It’s just like, it’s hard because I want people to be able to speak more openly about it if they want whether you’re talking about queer people or not. But at the same time, there were commercials. Every season they’re like, oh my god it’s the fantasy suites, what’s going to happen? It was a selling point in his season, oh he’s the virgin bachelor and it’s fantasy suite week. It was a selling point.

KAYLA: I think what I’m really trying to get at is—sex, we talk about this a lot, is just an activity. It’s basically a sport you do with someone else, or by yourself, or with multiple people. 

(30:00)

SARAH: There are a lot of variable rules to this sport. There’s a lot of different versions of the game. 

KAYLA: You know, it’s an activity. So it should not be a big deal to talk about it. We should be able to talk about it openly and without stigma and needing to feel embarrassed. What’s so wrong about this situation is that it was centered around virginity I think. Because, because we make sex such a big deal it’s an even bigger deal to be a virgin. And it kind of gets back to what we talked about virginity being used as an insult or as a status thing. People saying like, oh “he’s this really attractive NFL player, how could he possibly be a virgin?” As if it’s a bad thing. The reason people were bugging them about if they had had sex was because he was a virgin. On regular seasons of The Bachelor, sure it’s like, oh fantasy suites are a big deal but it’s not invasively asking if you’ve had sex during fantasy suite. The reason it was so invasive was because he was a virgin.
SARAH: Right. I also think it’s worth noting that when he came out as gay, people were like, oh that explains the whole Bachelor-fantasy suite thing. But it’s like, no. 

KAYLA: He could have just done that.

SARAH: Maybe it does explain that. But it doesn’t have to have explained it, you know? I think it’s just like, people are like, this all makes sense now, no wonder he wasn’t comfortable with it, blah blah blah blah.

KAYLA: Like you need to have some socially acceptable reason to be a virgin.

SARAH: Like you need to have an excuse. 

KAYLA: Okay you can be a virgin but only when I say it’s fine and understandable.

SARAH: The way a lot of people are viewing it is he hopped from one safe reason to another. It went from religious to oh he’s gay that’s why. You shouldn’t have to do that.

KAYLA: You shouldn’t have to have a reason at all. And again, it’s not his fault that he’s gay. Or a virgin. We’re not saying he’s wrong because that’s his reason. That can very well be his reason. But like, overall for people in general, you don’t need a reason. 

SARAH: It’s just frustrating and you know I hope this leads to the Bachelor franchise between him and Demi and whatever, I hope it leads to things being more open to queer contestants and have it be a more queer thing but I know it will continue to be profoundly allo. Which is frustrating.

KAYLA: The Bachelor hasn’t even gotten its shit together on racial diversity, so. We have a long way to go.

SARAH: Who’s even going to be the new host now that Chris Harrison got canceled.

KAYLA: Did he?

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Where was I? What’d he do?

SARAH: I don’t remember but he left the show. He defended a contestant who did something not cool. Google it. Yeah, it’s just, it’s frustrating.

KAYLA: It’d be dope if they had a gay black woman be the new host. 

SARAH: Oh, yeah. 

KAYLA: You know who’s not a gay black woman but would be an excellent host is Billy Eichner. He would turn the whole thing into a fucking joke.

SARAH: Now I’m just trying to think of who would be a really good host. 

KAYLA: They’re struggling to find even a host for Jeopardy right now so I don’t know.

SARAH: Well, Jeopardy is Jeopardy.

KAYLA: Well yes I know.

SARAH: I think the new host of The Bachelor should be the ghost of Alex Trabek. 

KAYLA: Now here’s an idea. I think—no stop everything. The host of The Bachelor should be someone who’s aroace. 

SARAH: I was thinking that.

KAYLA: They would be so incredibly objective. They could be so removed from all of the things that were happening.

SARAH: I was thinking maybe we could go with Tim Gunn.

KAYLA: Tim Gunn would be so funny. He would be having none of it. They would be screaming and crying and he’d be like, “make it work.” 

SARAH: I don’t know. I would love to see a fun new host addition. My head was like I don’t know just fucking make it Jeff Probst. Jeff Probst does Survivor and the Bachelor.

KAYLA: Who’s the guy that does, Amazing Race, what’s his name?

SARAH: Phil Keoghan.

KAYLA: Phil! Have them both come host it. The energy would be unmatched. *Gasps.* Sarah shut up, are you ready for the best suggestion?

SARAH: Yep.

KAYLA: Gordon Ramsay. He would be having none of it.

SARAH: Okay I see your Gordon Ramsay and I raise you a duo. Gordon Ramsay and his teenage daughter.

KAYLA: Oh, their TikToks are so good. Now here’s a cursed one. Are you ready for something cursed?

SARAH: Uh huh.

KAYLA: Steve Harvey.

SARAH: Noooo. Worst. Godddd. 

KAYLA: Now we’re switching up to worst possible hosts. Ellen.

SARAH: Ugh. I’m sorry I just died.

KAYLA: That would be what The Bachelor did though. They’d be like look we got you a gay host! And then it would be Ellen. That’s so what they would do.

SARAH: You’re right. This episode has really taken a lot of turns. Worst host - my brain was just like Donald Trump.

KAYLA: I mean yeah.

SARAH: Also the worst thing about that too, is that you would probably find out pretty quickly  how many of them are Trump supporters.

KAYLA: Yeah.

SARAH: That would be concerning. Worst host, worst host my brain was just like, George Bush. I don’t know why I’m going to Republican presidents only.

KAYLA: Probably. Doesn’t seem like he knows how to host reality TV. 

SARAH: I don’t know. When we were talking about other hosts I was like, wow so all of the other hosts in the world are just fucking white guys except for Steve Harvey.

KAYLA: Oh yeah. I mean if you look at game shows, it’s just—

SARAH: Price is Right.

KAYLA: You know who could do it I bet is Wayne Brady.

SARAH: Actually I think that could be really good. 

KAYLA: Honestly I do think he would be good at it he’d be funny. Maybe just the cast of Whose Line Is It Anyway could do co-host.

SARAH: They just switch out every day and pretend they’re the same person. 

KAYLA: Yes. Um, maybe just no host. Just let them kind of go.

SARAH: Fucking free for all.

KAYLA: I guess that’s Big Brother huh?

SARAH: Big Brother has a host just not in the house.

KAYLA: I’ve never watched it.

SARAH: I haven’t either. But there is a host to Big Brother, it’s just that she’s not in the house with them as far as I understand.

KAYLA: Okay, now here’s a good one. Nicole Byer.

SARAH: That’s one of the first things I thought of I’m going to be honest with you.

KAYLA: She would be so fun and she has a podcast, Why Won’t You Date Me? Because she has a very hard time in her love life. She would make fun of all of it. And she is queer.

SARAH: Yes. yeah wow. I should have done it earlier because I thought of it but now it seems like I’m just making it up. 

KAYLA: She’s hosting Wipeout now which makes me want to watch Wipeout again as if I’m 10 years old again. I think she should be given every role on TV. She’s so funny.

(40:00)

SARAH: Hold on hold on, consider this, the two hosts from American Ninja Warrior. And just like on American Ninja Warrior, they stand on a thing high up in the air.

KAYLA: They’ll stand in the balcony of the house and yell. That’s good.

SARAH: To our listeners who don’t know all of the game shows we’re talking about, I’m sorry.

KAYLA: I’m very sorry.

SARAH: Consider this. Take the whole show and combine it with that one Australian game show I saw one time where the floor is at a 45-degree angle. 

KAYLA: Or, turn it into the Netflix game show Floor is Lava. I had something and I forgot.

SARAH: Here’s what I think they should do. Season of The Bachelor. Straight Bachelor but every single female contestant is gay. But The Bachelor doesn’t know.

KAYLA: That’s very good. So he’s like, anyone—

SARAH: So  he’s like, “I vibe with plenty of them, why’s the romantic connection not there” 

KAYLA: Why is no one paying attention to me? Why are they all paying attention to each other?

SARAH: Yeah. I think that would be delightful.

KAYLA: I think that’s very good.

SARAH: I would also like to see, cause you know, you’ve got lipstick lesbians, you’ve got really butch lesbians, I would like to see how all of them would dress up for the show. I think they should get a wide variety of lesbians.

KAYLA: Yes we can get some really good dresses, some really good suits.

SARAH: And The Bachelor might be like, hmm interesting. Usually the women on this show are really feminine, okay.

KAYLA: This is a little fruity. 

SARAH: This is a little fruity. So now we are pitching ideas for future Bachelor seasons. You’re welcome, to the producers.

KAYLA: We are ready.

SARAH: Find me on Linkedin.
KAYLA: Sarah would like to work in TV and I think this would be a great first TV job.

SARAH: Unscripted reality is exactly what I want to do. Especially in the romance spectrum.

KAYLA: Really fitting for exactly what she wants to go into.

SARAH: Yep. Anyway. Don’t should. 

KAYLA: Yeah that’s really the moral of this and every episode. 

SARAH: Don’t should. And if you feel the pressure to should, it can be hard to fight the should but I believe in your ability to fight it as best as you can.

KAYLA: But also—now it’s about to get really paradoxical. Don’t should just because we’re telling you to don’t don’t should.

SARAH: But also don’t don’t should just because we’re—yes. Now I’ve confused myself.

KAYLA: There’s a lot of pressure to do a lot of things out there. But what is best is to take the time you need to come to terms with yourself. Like putting pressure on yourself, like I need to figure out my sexuality right away and I need to fight against all the societal pressures, that’s a very hard and painful thing to do and something that takes time. So don’t pressure yourself to do it all right away just because us or other queer people are like, yeah, fight the system, do it right now. Right now! If you need to go on The Bachelor to figure out your sexuality—

SARAH: It seems extreme but do it.

KAYLA:  You’ll probably hurt some other people’s feelings but if you just need to take some time to pretend to be straight for a while, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, that’s fine. If that’s what you need.

SARAH: You might be breaking some people’s hearts. Breaking hearts, taking names.

KAYLA: I did it. It wasn’t great but it was fine.

SARAH: Good. On that note, Kayla, what’s our poll for this week? 

KAYLA: Oh god. Who would you like to see host The Bachelor/The Bachelorette?

SARAH: I like how this went from a serious episode to cats to serious again to chaos.

KAYLA: I mean it’s our brand.

SARAH: Yeah, good. Who are the options? Nicole Byer. The ghost of Alex Trabek. The two hosts from American Ninja Warrior. Gordon Ramsay. I think those are all very compelling options to be honest.

KAYLA: I agree.

SARAH: We had so many good ones we had Tim Gunn, Wayne Brady—

KAYLA: Steve Harvey.

SARAH: All of the Whose Line guys just switching out every day.

KAYLA: Should we have a second set of options?

SARAH: It’ll be a surprise.

KAYLA: Who was our fourth option?

SARAH: I already forgot. It was a good one too. Gordon Ramsay.

KAYLA: Gordon Ramsay, thank you.

SARAH: And his daughter!

KAYLA: Do you know how much I would start watching The Bachelor if any of these people hosted.

SARAH: Yeah it would be delightful, truly. George Bush.

KAYLA: Not that one. Actually I probably would watch it just to see how shit it was.

SARAH: Or I would watch a pirated version so to not support their ad revenue. Anyway, wonderful. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice this week? Can you not think of any because I have two juices prepared for you.

KAYLA: Well I have a beef.

SARAH: Okay do your beef then I will do your juices for you.

KAYLA: You have my juices for me?

SARAH: Yep. Kayla’s juices I have two of them.

KAYLA: Well my beef, I don’t want to get into the general shit that’s happening to the world. But that’s obviously one. My other one is that we’ve been having thunderstorms every night here and last night it was so loud and the lightning was so close I legitimately thought that I was going to perish. So what are my juices?

SARAH: Kayla’s juices are Pride and Prejudice as explained by John Mulaney. It’s a wonderful YouTube video.

KAYLA: That’s so true.

SARAH: Kayla’s other juice is that Jenna Marbles and Julien Solomita got engaged.

KAYLA: That is true. My other juice that I had prepared for me is that I am finally listening to Taylor Swift. I haven’t listened to any of her recent albums. And I was listening to Fearless (Taylor’s Version) and I hadn’t recalled being a Taylor Swift fan being a younger but yeah.

SARAH: Deep down we are all a very repressed Taylor Swift.

KAYLA: So true. I spent years not liking her for no reason.

SARAH: My sister was telling me about how with Taylor’s versions of all the songs coming out, she was reliving her high school days where she had to pretend not to be a Taylor Swift fan because the popular girls liked Taylor Swift but now she doesn’t fucking care.

KAYLA: Maybe that’s what it was. Yeah I don’t know, I mean you can even listen to past episodes of the podcasts and hear it but I forgot how much I had listened to her when I was younger but i was listening to these songs and getting hella high school feels. And I was like feeling it. Mr Perfectly Fine is—

SARAH: A bop.

KAYLA: I’ve listened to it several times today.

SARAH: And it is approved by what’s her face? Sansa-

KAYLA: Sophie Turner?

SARAH: Sophie Turner. And it’s about her husband.

KAYLA: I just keep thinking about —I saw a picture of Joe Jonas from 2008 or whatever in a terrible 2008 suit but there’s this line in the song of like, your perfectly pressed suit and someone on Twitter was like, can’t get over that this is the suit Taylor was singing about and it’s just awful. But everyone should look up Pride and Prejudice John Mulaney on YouTube.

SARAH: It’s delightful.

KAYLA: It is the best piece of content I’ve ever watched and that is not an exaggeration.

SARAH: I only prepared juice for Kayla so my juices are also Kayla’s juices.

KAYLA: You’re so self-sacrificing.

SARAH: I know. My beef is… all of it. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, who you think the best Bachelor host is on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a patreon - patreon.com/soundsfakepod. I will say this, I’ve mentioned this in passing a couple times. I do think we’re going to have to make some changes to how we say our patrons because it’s getting out of hand.

KAYLA: It’s getting to be something.

SARAH: We’ll probably post in our patreon about this but if anyone has any ideas about how we can still appreciate our patrons while not spending 5 minutes at the end of every podcast auctioning them off, do let us know. Okay but we do appreciate all of our wonderful patrons. And we’re so grateful to have so many.

KAYLA: It’s a very good problem to have that we never thought we would have. It’s truly shocking. 

SARAH: Yeah. We have a new $2 patron it’s Brianna. Maybe Bi-ahna though. Cause I know more Bri-anna’s than Bri-ahnas. 

KAYLA: There was a girl, I went to school with her all the years. I remember in elementary school she was like, it’s Bri-ahna not Bri-anna. And I was like, you just got yourself a one-way ticket to be called the wrong name forever. Cause that’s annoying as hell.

SARAH: I mean I’m sure it was annoying to her that everyone was pronouncing her name wrong.

KAYLA: Yeah but she was also six. We couldn’t —shut up.

SARAH: Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart—remember when I tried to do this without breathing, literally impossible now, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie, Tessa, MattiousT, Chris Lauretano, Sam, Kelly, Scott Ainsli—I just combined two names, Orla Nieve Eisley, Julianne, Lost In Space, Colleen Walsh, Mattie, Super Sarah, BAGEL, Edward Hayes-Holgate, Emily M., Elizabeth Wheeler who is a new patron and ffinasfs who is a new patron. Let me know if you if want to go by a different name or you want me to continue calling you ffinasfs. 

KAYLA: Sounds like you’re saying thin ass.

SARAH: It’s ffinasfs. All lowercase. 

KAYLA: I love it. Very post-modern. Post-verbal.

SARAH: Yeah it is. Our $10 patrons are  Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote me playing D&D, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cass who would like to promote the best of luck on the journey of self-identification, Doug Rice who would like to promote “Church Too,” by Emily Joy, H. Valdis, Purple Chickadee, who would like to promote using they as a gender neutral singular pronoun, Barefoot Backpacker who would like to promote Reclaim the Night, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to promote Thought Slime, Mattie who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow of heteronormativity, Aaron like to promote free forehead kisses, Khadir who would like to promote cats named Gnocchi Feta Fettuccine, Potater who would like to promote potatoes, ChangelingMX who would like to promote starshipchangeling.net, and Sarah Kujawa who would like to promote her dogs’ Instagram @aviatthehusky and David Jay who would like to promote “Emergent Strategy” by Adrienne Maree Brown and The Stubby Tech who would like to promote checking patreon to make sure you're actually supporting the podcasts you think you are. Thanks!

KAYLA: Incredible.

SARAH: They said they were horrified to learn that they were not in fact our patron.

KAYLA: A note to everyone. Go on and check.

SARAH: Go and check, y’know. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote free mom hugs, Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote being in unions and IWW, we support unions. Martin Chiesel who would like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One is, Leila, who would like to promote love is love also applying to aro people, Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth, Dia Chappell who would like to promote twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Sherronda J Brown, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote Lewis University’s Writing Center @writingcenterlu, Andrew Hillum would like to promote The Invisible Spectrum podcast, and Dragonfly who would like to promote getting vaccinated and of course we have our $20 patron, Sarah T, who would like to promote long walks outside.

KAYLA: And—very special shout out to Nick Philips who just PayPal’d us $100 and said I have beef with monthly payments, would rather just send large funds when I can.

SARAH: That was very nice.

KAYLA: Nick! That’s bananas. Thank you so much.

SARAH:  Thanks to all of our patrons and people who throw money at us sometimes on PayPal.  Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. 

KAYLA: Until then, take good care of your cows.