Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 4: How Long Does Sex Last?
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Hey what's up hello! Today Kayla and Sarah tackle the big questions: How long is sex supposed to last? What counts as sex? What impacts the length of sex? And, most importantly, what activities would Sarah rather do during the time it takes someone to have sex?
Episode Transcript: https://www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/how-long-does-sex-last
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SARAH: Hey, what's up, hell...
KAYLA: Hell. (laughs)
SARAH: We're leaving that. Hey, what's up, hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aroace girl, I'm Sarah, that is me.
KAYLA: And me, Kayla, a straight girl.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything that we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, having sex for long periods of time
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
*Intro Music*
KAYLA: Hey oh, we're back.
SARAH: This week, we are talking about a topic, as most of them have, that have come about because I had a weird question and texted it to Kayla.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Because as we spoke about last week, I'm into fandom.
KAYLA: That was not last week. It was last week.
SARAH: Shh, Kayla. They don't know that we're-
KAYLA: (interrupting) We're pre-recording, and I didn't remember what order they're coming out in, okay?
SARAH: It was the last one. (laughs)
KAYLA: (emphatically) Sorry.
SARAH: I'm into fandom, and fanfiction exists in fandom, and people just on the internet, especially on Tumblr, will talk pretty openly about their lives and things. And I've heard a couple times, people talking about like, 'oh, we made out for a couple hours'.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: And I was like, that seems like a long time. And so, I was like, doesn't it get boring? So, I asked Kayla. I was like, is that a long...it seems like it would get boring. And then we ended up talking about how long sex is supposed to (KAYLA: How long anything takes.) last, and all sorts of things. So that's what we're talking about today.
KAYLA: Yeah, but I really don't have a good answer for you. (SARAH: Right.) because people's definitions really...I guess there's a way. But there's no way you're making out for three straight hours without taking a little break, getting a sip of water (SARAH: It seems so boring.), going pee.
SARAH: I could watch Hamilton (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.) in that amount of time.
KAYLA: Three hours, yeah.
SARAH: I would rather watch Hamilton than make out with someone for three hours.
KAYLA: See, it depends on my mood. (laughs)
SARAH: You could make out with someone as Hamilton is playing in the background, just interrupt yourself (KAYLA: That's convenient, yeah.) every once in awhile, and just like 'I'm past patiently waiting! I'm passionately smashing every invitation'. (KAYLA: (laughs)) Have you really? (laughs)
KAYLA: I don't know!
SARAH: I hate you.
KAYLA: But also, I've heard people being like, 'we had sex all night'.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And they literally meant for hours.
SARAH: That's...tiring, I would assume.
KAYLA: That's tiring, but also, you can't just keep doing it because there's the refractory period.
SARAH: I mean, you could. It wouldn't go well.
KAYLA: Yeah you could, but then you'd end up with a limp dick.
SARAH: Limp dick syndrome. (laughs)
KAYLA: A limp dick and a tired vagina, and ugh, no.
SARAH: And you would end up hating each other.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Sounds good.
KAYLA: Sounds neat. So, because people will be like, 'we had sex for hours', but what does that mean to you, you know?
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: So, I really don't have an answer for you.
SARAH: Yeah, because it's also the question of, first of all, how are we defining sex? Are we only talking about penetrative sex? Because that is heteronormative. And also, even heterosexual couples, it's not the only kind of sex there is to do.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: So, we looked this up. We looked up-
KAYLA: (interrupting) We ruined my search history (SARAH: Right.) on my computer (SARAH: We ruined Kayla's search history.) is what had happened.
SARAH: (laughs) What happened was, we ruined Kayla's search history.
BOTH: (laughs)
SARAH: So, we looked it up, and the numbers we were seeing I thought were very low.
KAYLA: We saw a couple different numbers.
SARAH: We did.
KAYLA: It ranged from, I would say, the average was five to seven minutes.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Of how long- (SARAH: Penetrative) they were talking about penetrative- (SARAH: heterosexual) yeah, heterosexual sex was five to seven. I think that sounds so short.
SARAH: Yeah. And they were saying...I don't know. I've lost my track. But, that seemed very short.
KAYLA: Yeah, and they did say like, 'oh, we talked to this sex therapist', and they said foreplay should be twenty minutes, and sex is whatever, this long.
SARAH: Okay, here's my question. If you're doing a type of sex that is non-penetrative (KAYLA: Right.), is that, in that definition, counted as foreplay?
KAYLA: See, to some people, I've heard people use a blowjob as foreplay. I have heard that before.
SARAH: Huh.
KAYLA: So, I think it could be. I feel like this is going to be a very explicit episode.
SARAH: Listen, they all are.
KAYLA: It could be that you give a blowjob, but not to completion.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And then you have penetrative sex, and so that would be. I think you have to define sex as 'at the end, you are meaning to get someone off'.
SARAH: Right, but then the question there is: okay, say you have a heterosexual pair of people (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.), and you're like, 'all right, oral sex for the female human first' (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.), and then do penetrative sex (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.). If you're getting the girl off (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.), that would count as sex, not foreplay, but that's not penetrative sex, so does it count in the five to seven minutes?
KAYLA: So, you're doing two sex’s.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, when people talk about how long they had sex, traditionally I do think of penetrative sex. One, because we live in a heteronormative society (SARAH: Yeah.), and I need to fix myself. Two, also along with that, is that people always are talking about 'guys need to last longer'.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And if a guy gets off in thirty seconds, that's so the worst and gross, and the guy needs to hold out longer so that the girl can orgasm. Not that many women get off from penetrative sex, anyway.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: A different topic.
SARAH: Different topic.
KAYLA: But yeah, so people are always talking about like, 'well, guys need to last longer'. The thing with that is, though, if they last too long, then it's...there's a range. If it's too short, then I can see issues there.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: If it's like an hour, no. I'm done. I'm bored.
SARAH: If you think about physical exertion, like aerobic exercise, that's very tiring.
KAYLA: If we're talking about an hour of penetrative sex, that's so-
SARAH: That's work, from what I hear.
KAYLA: It is. That's exercise. That's an hour of straight exercise with limited-
SARAH: (interrupting) Haha, straight. Heterosexual (KAYLA: (laughs)) exercise.
KAYLA: That is some heterosexual, with minimal or no breaks, exercise. (SARAH: Right.) With not even water.
SARAH: What if you just took a break?
KAYLA: No, you have a CamelBak on, so you could drink your water while you're having...that's a good idea.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: I'm going to market CamelBaks for sex.
SARAH: Oh my god.
KAYLA: They would sell.
SARAH: I just had a horrible thought.
KAYLA: What was it?
SARAH: You know how there are sex swings?
KAYLA: Yeah. How do they work?
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Do you get in it and then have sex?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: But you could run a CamelBak (BOTH: (laughs)) down the-
KAYLA: (interrupting) I'm imagining it being like a hamster nibble (SARAH: (laughs)), where you have it and they have to (*makes slurping sound*) lick at the thing. (SARAH: Oh my...I hate it.) And that's what I'm imagining.
SARAH: I hate it. Why did I think that?
KAYLA: I'm having explicit images in my mind that I never wanted.
SARAH: Mine are not explicit.
KAYLA: Mine are. I had one, and I-
SARAH: (interrupting) Can you stop?
KAYLA: I'm trying.
SARAH: You're uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable with you just sitting next to me thinking that. (laughs)
KAYLA: I mean, it was just an image of what could happen if that was a real thing. I don't want it in my mind any longer.
SARAH: Yeah, but I think one of the reasons you mentioned of why the times that we found seemed so short was long sex being glorified (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.), which we did kind of touch on that, but that is true. I feel like I thought it lasted longer than it does (KAYLA: Because it's supposed to.) because it's "supposed to".
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Yeah, and that's interesting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Does that play into male masculinity complexes? Like, they want to last longer?
KAYLA: I don't know, because again, I think there's a range of how long. And I think that goes with preference, too. People probably have a preference for how long (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) they want their penetrative sex to be.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: I personally don't want it going that long (SARAH: Yeah.) because I'm out of shape, and I'm tired.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Other people who maybe enjoy that part of things (SARAH: Yeah.) or they don't get as exhausted as I do, or that's something (SARAH: They've got good cardio. (laughs)) that they just enjoy. Yeah. Maybe they want to have sex for hours (SARAH: Six years.). I don't know. Sure.
SARAH: You might have to pee at some point.
KAYLA: If you're a girl, you can do it at the same time. I'm just saying, they're different holes.
SARAH: I just want everyone to know that I'm just staring at Kayla right now.
KAYLA: Learn your anatomy, they're different holes.
SARAH: I know my anatomy. But I also just thought of pee kinks. I hate it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Move on.
KAYLA: Nope!
SARAH: (laughs) Listen, if you're into that, cool.
KAYLA: I'm not.
SARAH: But I don't want to think about it.
KAYLA: But I'm not.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: You do you, but...
SARAH: Or do someone else with their consent.
KAYLA: You pee on yourself, but don't tell me about it, maybe.
SARAH: (laughs) Okay. I don't know where we just were. Oh, six hour long sex.
KAYLA: Six years.
SARAH: Six years, sorry. My b.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know if it's a masculinity thing as much as a pressure that women put on me.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: Because it always seems to be women saying men need to last longer. Or, in one of the articles I saw, there was some Missy Elliott song that was like, 'I don't want no one-minute man'.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: I don't know if that's even a lyric, or if that's just bullshit.
SARAH: Yeah. I wonder if it feeds off of each other, like it's a circular thing.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Kind of like, chicken or the egg situation.
KAYLA: Yeah. Because I mean, men are supposed to like sex- (SARAH: Quote unquote.) Right, so normatively, men are supposed to be the ones that like sex (SARAH: Right.), and they're supposed to be the ones that are good at it and initiating it. So I suppose, if you're a man that doesn't like it, not good at it, not the one that's initiating it, and not that one that's lasting the longest or doing a good job-
SARAH: (interrupting) It's seen as shameful.
KAYLA: Yeah, so I read once - I think it was in my women's studies class - about how the reason men get pleasure from giving a woman an orgasm is because they feel accomplished.
SARAH: (displeased) Mm.
KAYLA: And so the reason a lot of women feel the need to fake an orgasm (SARAH: Oh.), which I do not endorse, is because the only reason they think it is because they feel bad for their partner.
SARAH: That makes sense.
KAYLA: And so men are supposed to be good at sexual activities, and so they- (SARAH: Normatively, yeah.) Normatively, right. And so if they don't get you off in a certain amount of time or whatever, then they are not good at what they're supposed to be good at.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And so that's why a lot of women feel the need to fake it, to save the pride of their partner, which I think (SARAH: That's stupid.) is stupid. Because how are they supposed to improve if they don't know that they're doing it wrong.
SARAH: True. Also, you said pride, and all I could think of was a pride of lions.
KAYLA: Having sex?
SARAH: No, just existing. (laughs) I just thought of The Lion King. I'm not sure why. (laughs)
KAYLA: I think you're just very uncomfortable with the topic of sex and want it to be over.
SARAH: But I have another question!
KAYLA: What is it?
SARAH: That I asked you and you didn't know the answer to (KAYLA: Oh.) because it doesn't apply to you. But I have the question of like, okay, so I know in general, it takes longer to get women off.
KAYLA: Yeah, I would say- (SARAH: That's what I've heard from-) Yeah. That's what I've heard, and I think I agree with that. No, I don't usually time...I don't ever time my sexual experiences (SARAH: (laughs)). Usually. No, I've never timed a sexual experience.
SARAH: Wears a watch and is like, 'okay, time is going', (BOTH: Go!)
SARAH: (laughs) So I was wondering, okay, what about same-sex sex scenarios?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Especially if it's two women (KAYLA: Mm-hmm.), would it be on average longer because it takes them longer to get off, or because...I don't know. I don't know.
KAYLA: It really depends on the person. I feel like I have heard people say that when you're in a same-sex relationship and it's two women, that they might be better at giving oral because they understand what they want.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Because they can find the clitoris.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: But whatever. So, I mean, I don't know, because I think that it really does depend. Because you could have a man that has a low libido (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) or it does take longer for him to get aroused, and so it would take longer.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: So, in general, I think it is harder for women to get off, but a lot of that, I think, is that men just don't understand female anatomy.
SARAH: It's the scenario and the context, and not just your body, but the skill (KAYLA: Right.) of the other person.
KAYLA: Yeah. But I do think biologically, women have a lower sex drive. I think that's a fact. Isn't it?
SARAH: I feel like I've heard that.
KAYLA: I could be totally wrong.
SARAH: Tell us if we're wrong.
KAYLA: (laughing) Please be nice.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: But I think, in general, women have a lesser sex drive. Averagely.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: There could be women that are very high and women that are very low.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: And there could be men that are very high and men that are very low, so it's a spectrum. But on average, yes.
SARAH: Everything is a spectrum, Kayla. (laughs)
KAYLA: So, I have no idea.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Because you might think on average women's sex might take longer, but also, I don't know because they know what they're doing more, I would assume.
SARAH: I feel like heterosexual sex, if you're talking about stereotypical whatever, a lot of times people think of it as just penetrative sex (KAYLA: Right.), and so that's one sex act. Whereas, if you have a same-sex couple, it may need more than one sex act to get them both off.
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Based off of my understanding of how that works. I don't know. (laughs)
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You know what I mean?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: It also depends on if you're getting both people off.
KAYLA: Yeah, because sex doesn't....It really depends on your definition of sex.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Because oral sex and regular sex are on, when you're looking at your bases (SARAH: Right.), you know, your first base.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: They're different bases.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: And so, are they not both sex? Are they different levels of sex? (SARAH: Right.) What are they?
SARAH: That relates to virginity, which is going to be another pod. It actually is; we already have it on the list, guys.
KAYLA: Okay, we know what we're doing.
SARAH: Not that "losing your virginity" is a real total thing (KAYLA: Yeah.), but the question is: well, have you lost your "virginity" if you had oral sex but not penetrative sex.
KAYLA: Yeah. There's no answer for that.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: So yeah, it's very confusing because a lesbian relationship probably does not have as much penetrative sex.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: It is possible (SARAH: They can.). They can.
SARAH: They may choose not to.
KAYLA: They may choose not to, but you would think it would probably happen less.
SARAH: Right. I don't know.
KAYLA: So does that mean-
SARAH: This is us guessing.
KAYLA: I have no idea.
SARAH: If you would like to correct us (KAYLA: Please do.) with your own experiences, tell us.
KAYLA: So does that mean that they are never having sex?
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Because even when they have penetrative sex, it's (SARAH: Right.) using a tool. Are they never having sex?
SARAH: Right. It depends how strict your definition of sex is.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it depends how heteronormative your definition of sex is. Also, gay men. (*clapping noise*) I learned like, two days ago what topping and bottoming meant.
KAYLA: Are you kidding me?
SARAH: I knew they existed, but I never knew what they meant.
KAYLA: Do you know the process that a gay man has to go through to have sex? (SARAH: No.) Because I recently learned that.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: It's awful.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: So, because...using your anus.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: You can't eat for like, a day because then you'll poop.
SARAH: What? Wait. Is that always how that works? Because you don't have to be gay to do that.
KAYLA: Well, okay, so if you're having anal sex, you don't eat. The joke is that you eat ice cubes that day, so you only eat during the day, like ice cubes, to keep you going. And then you have to clean out your butthole because (SARAH: Oh my god.) it'll have poo in it.
SARAH: I wish you guys could see my face right now.
KAYLA: When I learned this, I was flabbergasted.
SARAH: Wow. That's dedication.
KAYLA: Yeah, so people who have anal sex have to plan it out, because if you go out on a date- (SARAH: Really.) Yeah! (SARAH: That makes sense.) Because if two gay men go out on a date, they can't go to a restaurant (SARAH: Oh my god.) and then go have and sex.
SARAH: Well, it depends what kind of sex they're having.
KAYLA: Okay, yeah. So if they're going to a restaurant and then going to have anal sex, they can't eat. So you have to know if you're going to have sex that night.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: You can't just have sex willy-nilly if it's going to be anal sex (SARAH: My god.), unless you're okay with your poo everywhere, I guess (SARAH: Right.). I don't know your life.
SARAH: It's kind of like having sex if you're on your...
BOTH: Period.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's a preference.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: So, if you're not here for poo everywhere, you have to know. You can't just willy-nilly have sex (SARAH: Haha, willy-nilly.) whenever you want. You can't just have sex whenever because apparently you have to plan it out, and I recently learned this, and I was like, 'this sounds terrible, because you can't eat for a whole day'.
SARAH: I would hate that. I like eating food.
KAYLA: Me, too. It's pretty neat.
SARAH: (laughing) Pretty neat.
KAYLA: Anyway, so that's what I recently learned. All of this could, again, completely be wrong. (SARAH: Yeah.) Please correct me.
SARAH: If you actually are gay (KAYLA: Or have anal sex.) or have anal sex-
KAYLA: (interrupting) Please correct me. Because what I have heard from people who have anal sex (SARAH: Right.), that is their experience. It sounds like (SARAH: A lot of effort.) the worst.
SARAH: That's dedication, though.
KAYLA: I guess I don't want to have to think about when I'm going to have sex. I don't want to have to think about: can I eat today, because I'm definitely going to have sex later.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: I don't want to think about it.
SARAH: That's the worst. Also, does that not mean that you're more tired when you do the do because you haven't eaten?
KAYLA: I have no idea.
SARAH: Hmm. Wild.
KAYLA: I really don't understand how anal sex works. Maybe you just don't get tired at all, for all I know. I don't know. I don't know how it works.
SARAH: I don't either. But another thing we did think about, or that came up when we were talking about how long- (KAYLA: (claps and laughs)) Don't. (laughs) When we were talking about this, something that- I almost just said arose.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: We're not going to be able to make it through.
SARAH: But basically, Kayla mentioned building up tolerance (KAYLA: Yeah.) to-
KAYLA: To how aroused you get. Because I know as men get older, it's less easy to get an erection because...
SARAH: Blood.
KAYLA: Because blood.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: And when we were having this conversation, I told Patrick I was talking to you about blood flow, and he got very uncomfortable.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: He would not talk to me.
SARAH: Hi, Patrick.
KAYLA: Hi, Patrick. So yeah, older men still get aroused, but they're not erect because their blood flow is worse.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: So, erectile dysfunction isn't that you're not getting aroused, it's just that the blood isn't flowing to the right place.
SARAH: Dick pills.
KAYLA: Dick pills.
SARAH: Continue.
KAYLA: So, I know for men...I don't know if that's a tolerance thing or a bloodflow thing or both.
SARAH: Maybe both.
KAYLA: Maybe both. It's like with anything that you build up a tolerance to, like build up a tolerance to pain if you have it a lot. You build up a tolerance to things you feel.
SARAH: It's like why cocaine is so dangerous, going cold turkey. Because then, listen.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: What's happening?
SARAH: Is it cocaine, or is it...what's the one you shoot up?
KAYLA: Heroin?
SARAH: Heroin!
KAYLA: No, you can shoot up cocaine, too, right?
SARAH: Maybe.
KAYLA: You melt it in the spoon. (SARAH: (laughs)) Or is that heroin?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: I've seen it in TV shows.
SARAH: But that's why it's so dangerous going cold turkey, is because...
KAYLA: You need it.
SARAH: You need it, and so you go back to it, but in the time that you haven't had it (KAYLA: Your tolerance.), you've lost your tolerance. So, that's a lot of the reason why people OD...is because (KAYLA: Oh.) they take too much.
KAYLA: Oh. The more you know, kids.
SARAH: Yeah, anyway.
KAYLA: It's just like another feeling or a drug, I guess (SARAH: Yeah.), that you build up a tolerance to, so if it's your first time having a sexual experience, it might be faster because (SARAH: Right.) you're more sensitive (SARAH: Yes.), and so all of your bits are more sensitive, and so (SARAH: Christ.) it's easier. But then if it's been awhile or you have regularly or do sexual activities regularly, then you're not as sensitive, you've built up a tolerance (SARAH: Mm-hmm.) to that feeling, that touch that gets you there (SARAH: Mm-hmm.), or whatever. And so then it starts taking longer.
SARAH: And that will definitely impact the length (KAYLA: Yeah.) of the sexual encounter, too.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Wild.
KAYLA: Also, if you've been drinking (SARAH: Yeah.), that messes with how aroused you can get.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: A lot of times, you can't get aroused or it takes longer.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: So really, there's a lot of things that impact it. I once heard of someone - I think it was a friend's roommate or something (SARAH: Yeah.) - that just had lots of sex. Oh yeah, we were talking about it because she claimed to have sex twice within ten minutes.
SARAH: Oh, I remember this.
KAYLA: And we were all like, 'get the fuck out of my face'.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And then she was saying that another time her and this guy were having sex, he couldn't get aroused because he'd been drinking, they had been drinking, and she got mad at him.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That he couldn't, and I was like 'why (SARAH: That's a shitty move.) are you mad?' They both seemed like very interesting people.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: The roommate, the girl at least, from what I'd heard, just about her being a roommate, seems like a very interesting person, anyway (SARAH: Yeah.), that got mad about things that maybe they shouldn't have.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I was like, 'why is that something you get mad about?' It's not his fault.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: He's probably trying his best (SARAH: He's doing his best!). He also wants to have sex. It's not his fault, okay?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Whatever, I don't know.
SARAH: That is interesting.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But I mean, another factor. So many factors. (KAYLA: I mean, yeah.) I just want an answer.
KAYLA: But there isn't one (SARAH: I know.) because it depends on what kind of sex you're having, how aroused you are, different times.
SARAH: I've heard that if you're super stressed out, it can impact things.
KAYLA: Probably, because that's your hormones. Probably. I know for a lot of women, they're more aroused on their periods.
SARAH: Yeah. Or if they're PMSing.
KAYLA: Or they're PMSing, the more aroused. Or...I don't know, if it's too hot! And you're just like, 'I want to touch you right now.'
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: The notion of like, sex should be long, really is like, what if I want it to be short this time? What if (SARAH: Right.) I'm tired and want to be done with it (SARAH: Right.) or something for that time.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: You know?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Boy.
SARAH: Listen, we have one more segment to do, Kayla.
KAYLA: I'm so excited.
SARAH: I'm excited, and I haven't really prepared for it, so this is all (KAYLA: In Sarah fashion, she has not prepared at all.) going to be off the top of my head. When we were talking about this, I was thinking about, all right: average length of time or whatever, for how long this lasts. What would I rather do with that time?
KAYLA: Because you don't want to have sex.
SARAH: Because I don't. So, what are we calling the average?
KAYLA: I will give you ten minutes.
SARAH: Ten minutes?
KAYLA: For penetrative sex.
SARAH: I think we should count the whole encounter.
KAYLA: Well, that could be hours. I don't know.
SARAH: Oh, god. Listen, we were looking at the average according to some study (KAYLA: Yes.), and it said it was between thirty-three seconds-
KAYLA: (interrupting) It said the average for a couple, one couple (SARAH: Yeah.), across their entire relationship was they had had sex that had lasted from thirty-three seconds to forty-four minutes.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But the average for all couples (SARAH: Right.) is five point four minutes. So, for this one couple, or however many couples they studied (SARAH: Right. The average isn't that long.), we don't have our sources together for this. Google it, I don't know.
SARAH: Listen, it's not like we know what we're doing.
KAYLA: For whatever couple they studied, they, over the span of their relationship, had sex that had varied from thirty-three seconds to forty-four minutes.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Which seems, yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That seems reasonable.
SARAH: Okay, let's say twenty-four minutes.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: All right. What could I do in twenty-four minutes. I could watch an episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I could watch...math, math, math...I could watch six Vlog Brothers videos.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I could take a shower.
KAYLA: I couldn't. I need longer than that.
SARAH: I've gotten faster (KAYLA: I have a lot of hair.) at showers. You do have a lot of hair.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: It's just a lot to deal with.
KAYLA: It's too much.
SARAH: I could run....I mean, I'm not a runner. I'm trying to think how far I could run.
KAYLA: At least two miles.
SARAH: At least two miles.
KAYLA: Definitely two miles.
SARAH: Maybe two and a half.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: In my peak, probably way more than that.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But I'm not in sixth grade anymore.
KAYLA: (laughs) You're not.
SARAH: I peaked in sixth grade, ladies and gents. What else could I do? I could make pasta, eat it, make more pasta, and eat it.
KAYLA: Ooh, I don't know about that. Boiling water takes so long.
SARAH: Okay, it depends on what kind of...angel hair takes four minutes to cook.
KAYLA: Okay. Cooking just seems so long to me because I hate it.
SARAH: (laughs) Amazing. You know what else I could do? This is actually one that I already told Kayla. I could order Jimmy John's (KAYLA: (laughs)), have it delivered, and I don't eat like a normal person. I take all my food apart
KAYLA: She takes her sandwiches apart and eats them ingredient by ingredient.
SARAH: So I would get a sandwich, and it takes a while, all right? (KAYLA: It takes her so long to eat, oh my god.) I'm not a fast eater. So, I could eat the Jimmy John's sandwich in pieces. I could order more Jimmy John's, have it arrive, and then whoever was having the sexual encounter, hopefully far away where I couldn't hear them.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: I could give it to them as a post-sexual encounter snack.
KAYLA: Nice.
SARAH: (laughs) But I would make them Venmo me back.
KAYLA: Well, yeah.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: What if it was their birthday, though?
SARAH: Okay, then I'd let them have it.
KAYLA: That's their birthday present (SARAH: Yes.), is a post-coital (SARAH: (laughs) Is post-coital Jimmy John's.) snack. That sounds like a Cards Against Humanity card.
SARAH: You know how there's the add your own?
KAYLA: Your own (SARAH: Post-coital Jimmy John's.) post-coital Jimmy John's. I hate it.
SARAH: I could...what else could I do, Kayla?
KAYLA: You could play the ukulele.
SARAH: Okay, I can do that in any amount of time. I could record a podcast.
KAYLA: Yeah. You could watch a sixth of Hamilton.
BOTH: (laughs)
SARAH: I could...I don't know why I just thought of that, but all I thought of was I could swing from a chandelier. (laughs)
KAYLA: I mean, I guess. But I also think you could swing from a chandelier
BOTH: In any amount of time.
SARAH: I could drive to my grandparents' house.
KAYLA: Nice. You could walk to class.
SARAH: I could walk to and from class, listen.
KAYLA: In twenty-four minutes? Where's your class?
SARAH: Honey, I used to get so I could do from where we lived freshman year to class in eight minutes.
KAYLA: Ugh. I got shin splints when I did that.
SARAH: Did you really?
KAYLA: Not totally shin splints, but there was a couple I had classes back to back that were kind of far away from each other. If you know U of M, it was from the MLB to East Hall (SARAH: Yeah.), and my shins would hurt.
SARAH: Listen, maybe you couldn't, but I could, Kayla.
KAYLA: Whatever.
SARAH: I could - (KAYLA: I don't need this.) I drink pop very slowly (KAYLA: Oh my god.), but I could drink a whole can of pop in twenty-four minutes.
KAYLA: Whatever.
SARAH: Yes I could!
KAYLA: No, you drink it too...no. I don't believe that.
SARAH: I could drink two-thirds of a can of pop. (laughs)
KAYLA: You could eat a bag of gummy worms, probably.
SARAH: Oh, an entire bag of gummy worms? Absolutely.
KAYLA: Yeah. You could write a page of our musical.
SARAH: I could write a third of a page of our musical.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: It takes you so long.
SARAH: I could procrastinate for twenty-four minutes.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Really, the options are endless.
KAYLA: Truly.
SARAH: They're truly endless. So ladies and gentlemen, next time you're with someone - or more than one person, if that's what you're into - and they're like, 'let's do the do', and you don't want to, I suggest you give them these options.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Six Vlog Brothers videos. Running two miles.
KAYLA: So much Jimmy John's.
SARAH: Jimmy John's. You could let them have sex with each other, and you could be the Jimmy John's orderer.
KAYLA: That just sounds lonely, though. You know?
SARAH: Excuse me. Food is delicious.
KAYLA: Yeah, but you can't talk to it.
SARAH: Nothing's stopping you, Kayla. (laughs)
KAYLA: It wouldn't talk back! I just feel like, the other two people, I would know they were together, having fun doing their thing, and I would just be like, (SARAH: Listen, I personally wouldn't want to participate, so.) 'I'm bored'. That doesn't matter, though. You know they're having fun because they want to participate.
SARAH: But I don't want to hear or see about it.
KAYLA: Sorry.
SARAH: (laughs) But yeah, I'm glad we did that segment. That was a good time.
KAYLA: You were very excited about this.
SARAH: I was. But yeah. Time is an illusion, and it's a human construct, so nothing matters, ladies and gents, and that's the moral of the story. (laughs)
KAYLA: I forgot what our original topic was, so I got really confused. I was like, 'yeah, good point, but why does this matter?'
SARAH: (laughs) The answer is that time is a human construct. Thank you, and goodbye.
KAYLA: Just kidding, we're not done yet.
SARAH: We're not leaving. Yeah, if you want to tell us how (KAYLA: How long your longest sex is.) long you would prefer it to last. For me, I prefer it last zero minutes, zero seconds.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: (laughs) That's my answer. Let us know. Don't use too many details, but you know.
KAYLA: I mean, yeah.
SARAH: Use the details you feel comfortable with, but we may not feel comfortable with them.
KAYLA: Yeah. Do what makes you feel comfortable, just know that we might be uncomfortable.
SARAH: We may or may not read it.
KAYLA: We'll read it, but (SARAH: I'll make you read it first.) I might be sad about it. (laughs) Great, thanks.
SARAH: Regardless, you can find us at @soundsfakepod on Twitter, you can email us at soundsfakepod@gmail.com. We did not talk about beef at all in this episode.
KAYLA: Proud of us. We talked about lions.
SARAH: We talked about lions. Send us some dank lion memes.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Or cow memes, but no dick pics, please.
KAYLA: Uh-huh. No vagina pics either.
SARAH: Right. I assume you found our podcast if you're listening to it right now, but where can you find more episodes, Kayla?
KAYLA: You can find them right where you probably are right now (SARAH: (laughs)), but also if you want to switch it up and use a different platform, then that sounds like a lot of work, but you do you. So, we are on iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, and Google Play. So you can do the subscribe and follow on all of those things so you don't miss this quality content.
SARAH: Family-friendly.
BOTH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Family-friendly, not explicit at all content (SARAH: Good times.) to listen to around the fire with your mother or father. Yeah, so you can leave us a comment or rating, that'd be great.
SARAH: Yeah. What are we going to have them-
KAYLA: Vote on?
SARAH: Press 1 for one minute- (laughs)
KAYLA: No. We're not doing that. Press 1 for post-coital Jimmy John's (SARAH: (laughing) Jimmy John's.). Press 2 for-
SARAH: (interrupting) Don't press them, send them. We should make a poll.
KAYLA: For all of them?
SARAH: We're going to start making polls, guys.
KAYLA: At the end of every episode?
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: We say we're going to do that now, but actually, it's going to be an episode or two.
SARAH: It's going to happen two episodes ago.
KAYLA: It's fine. Time is an illusion.
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: So, send 1 for
BOTH: Post-coital Jimmy John's.
KAYLA: Press 2 for post-coital Panera.
SARAH: Ooh.
KAYLA: Three for post-coital Wendy's, because I love Wendy's. (laughs) I vote for post-coital Wendy's.
SARAH: I think Panera, but Wendy's is a close second. And then four for no coital all of those, though. All of the foods, but no coital.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. No coitus, I believe is the correct term.
KAYLA: Non-coital.
SARAH: Non-coital.
KAYLA: Coital-free.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: I'm on a coital-free diet, actually. I can't have that.
SARAH: Amazing. All right, I can't have that, but I can have Jimmy John's, Panera, and Wendy's.
KAYLA: All at once.
SARAH: All right (KAYLA: That's all.), good times.
KAYLA: Whoop.
SARAH: Whoop whoop. Keep living your life. You do you, or do someone else consensually and safely. Have a nice life.
