Hey what's up hello! Today we return to Reddit to see what the wild people of r/Confessions need to get off their chests. TW: Discussion of sex and sexual content.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/r/confessions
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! Today we return to Reddit to see what the wild people of r/Confessions need to get off their chests. TW: Discussion of sex and sexual content.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/r/confessions
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey what's up hello, welcome to Sounds fake but okay a podcast where an aroace girl, I'm Sarah that's me
KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl, that's me Kayla
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand
KAYLA: On today's episode: Reddit confessions
SARAH AND KAYLA: Sounds fake but okay
(theme music)
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Hello!
SARAH: How you doing?
KAYLA: Kind of itchy
SARAH: Okay, well I wasn't asking you
KAYLA: Oh okay. Maybe they were itchy too and I answered for them
SARAH: You know what that's valid. Kayla, we have housekeeping this week
KAYLA: This week we actually do have a housekeeping
SARAH: Yes, tell me more. The people are going to be absolutely ecstatic for this
KAYLA: I know
SARAH: They're going to be like "I've been waiting for this my whole life"
KAYLA: They're dying over this one. The first one is a housekeeping I did at the very end yester -- last week, but if you don't listen all the way to the end which, psh, stupid, I finally have a PO box again. You can send me presents. You can go to soundsfakepod.com/PO-boxes to find the addresses for our boxes
SARAH: That's kind of a complicated theme park woah
KAYLA: To send us presents
SARAH: Url. What I was trying to say was that's kind of a complicated url
KAYLA: yeah I don't know what to tell you. You could also just go to our linktree
SARAH: But what came out of my mouth was "that's a complicated theme park". And that's...
KAYLA: That is what came out of your mouth. Different
SARAH: That's where we are today
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: What's our other housekeeping?
KAYLA: Our other housekeeping is that we will be going on a little winter break
SARAH: Winter break!
KAYLA: Do I remember what weeks we've decided on? No.
SARAH: Sorry I'm busy removing a cat
KAYLA: Let me look that up for you
SARAH: Our last episode before the end of the year will be on the 11th of December
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And then we will be off the 18th, the 25th, and the 1st of January, and we will be back on January 8th 2023. So three weeks off
KAYLA: Yes. You'll be okay I promise
SARAH: Yeah and you might be busy at that time with the holidays. You might not be in which case, we've got a lot you can listen to. Go back.
KAYLA: I will say I do get very annoyed when my podcasts go on winter break specifically because I feel like I have a lot of downtime during the holiday and I want to listen to podcasts
SARAH: It's either you're really busy or you're really not busy
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: That's kind of the two options
KAYLA: So I do understand your frustration. So sorry
SARAH: But listen, we've got shit to do. We got to go places. I got to do my sister's bachelorette party
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: Which I'm planning, apparently.
KAYLA:True
SARAH: Not apparently, I am.
KAYLA: She is
SARAH: Not like it's a surprise to me or anything. But we'll be here until then, so you've got about a month more of us and then a 3 week break and then we'll be back and then just a couple weeks until our book comes out. Woah.
KAYLA: So true. Other housekeeping. You should buy it!
SARAH: Woah. I agree. Cool. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we decided that it was time for another Reddit episode because it had been a while.
SARAH: Reddit is a good friend and companion of this pod
KAYLA: It's just like oh I don't want to do a lot of work this week, but we still want to be entertaining. What should we do?
SARAH: Turn to Reddit
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Our lovely, lovely friend Reddit
KAYLA: Listen I feel like we've been putting up too much good content recently, you know what I mean?
SARAH: We need some hot trash.
KAYLA: And we have some good content coming up to end the year
SARAH: Yeah we actually know some of the things that are going to come
KAYLA: Which is unprecedented
SARAH: On the pod. They're not done but we know what they're going to be
KAYLA: But we know them. And you know what else?
SARAH: No
KAYLA: Going back to what we were talking about before
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: If you're sad about how you're not going to have us to listen to for a month. Here's something to consider is that if you buy our book, it comes with -- what? 9 or 10 bonus episodes
SARAH: 10
KAYLA: One for each chapter of the book
SARAH: And at the time of this recording, 80% of them are edited
KAYLA: Yeah
(05:00)
KAYLA: We don't need to speak on that. So really we're just giving you a break before you have to listen to us
SARAH: Bonus content
KAYLA: Weekly, read our book, and listen to 10 extra podcasts. I mean, that's a lot of work. We don't want you to get burnt out on us. So really, this is a gift to you.
SARAH: The extra book pods are not as long as the regular pods
KAYLA: But still
SARAH: There's content in there
KAYLA: So really this is a gift
SARAH: Not like we're just giving you 3 minutes and done
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: We give you content
KAYLA: So true. Anyway, so today we're exploring r/Confessions
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: To look at what the people have decided to confess on the internet
SARAH: on this day. The first one, Kayla was like what if we did r/Confessions, and she goes "the first one is very silly" and so I pulled up r/Confessions and I looked at the first one and I said "I'm sold"
(laughter)
KAYLA: May I read it?
SARAH: Please
KAYLA: It says -- this is posted 6 hours ago, so timely
SARAH: Well but it's all usually in the past 24 hours
KAYLA: Yeah but still. It's there. It says "I love my husband and we've been together our entire lives, but he is not mentally stimulating. I have realized as I've gotten older that being with an intelligent man is something that I desire quite deeply. It seems like a stupid reason to leave a good man, though" and that's it. There's no further information
SARAH: That's it. That's the post. That's the confession.
KAYLA: I love this one. I also love a lot of the comments. Do you have any comments before I read other people's comments
SARAH: My comment is like, I get it. Also like it's stupid but I get...
KAYLA: I don't think it is stupid
SARAH: It seems... It could be taken as very surface level as "oh you're not smart enough for me" but that's not really what it is, and so I think it just depends on which approach you take to it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I guess I was reading it as maybe this is a person who likes to have deep conversations
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Or intellectual discussions and that's not something they can do with their partner
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: The first comment I see is someone suggesting they read a book together and talk about it, like have a little book club and other people are saying documentaries
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: To put some mental stimulation into their relationship
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah
KAYLA: Another person said "no one person is going to fulfill every person's needs. That's why you have friends to talk to and do things with them that your partner isn't into so yes I agree with your last line. Find some intelligent friends". Which like obviously very true. Your partner is not going to be able to fill all of your needs, but also this is the person that you probably spend the most time with if you're living in the same house and married, so I also get it.
SARAH: Yeah. This comment. "My opinion is need to decide if he has the potential to be mentally stimulating."
KAYLA: Huh
SARAH: "Life has a habit of becoming dull, repetitive, a grind, same-y. Us men like to release stress and tension by playing computer games". Oh my -- Sorry. There's a very upright cat. And I was trying to remove him and he flipped my mouse
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: Anyway. Where were we? "Us men like to release stress and tension by playing computer games." That is a statement that you made. "He possibly/probably doesn't even realize there's an issue. If you think he has something between the ears then talk to him. Explain how you're feeling and tell him you know you can both do better. If you realized he is actually a bit dim, or banal"
KAYLA: Banal
SARAH: Bay-nal.
KAYLA: I don't know. Can't wait for them to discuss this one in discord. They've been discussing our pronunciation of buoys all day today
SARAH: They have. I saw that. And you know what, I don't remember who said it but someone said that buoy is buoy but buoyant is buoyant and you're correct
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It's not buoy-ant
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Anyway. "If you've just realized he's a bit dim there's a good chance you'll be better with someone else. Just my two pence"
KAYLA: Okay. That is a lot
SARAH: I have several issues with this. The main one is "us men like to relieve stress and tension by playing computer games"
KAYLA: Yeah that's tough
SARAH: Like what?
KAYLA: That's nothing
SARAH: The other thing that frustrated me is "tell him you know you can both do better" because maybe that's the right thing to say but it also makes it seem like this woman has done something wrong
(10:00)
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And it feels very womanly
KAYLA: As I was scrolling through the comments, I found a comment that the original poster responded to
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: Someone asked "have you communicated with him about it? Maybe he doesn't find you intellectually stimulating either" which, damn. And they said "I try to talk to him, he just wants to play video games. It's possible he doesn't find me intellectually stimulating. He'd have to talk to me to find out.
SARAH: Ooh
KAYLA: And someone else said "that seems like a pretty big issue. Intelligence aside, you all don't talk?" and she said "we talk about the kids and his work but that's it" so I'm starting to think the intelligence piece is not the main issue in this relationship
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: (laughing) I don't think that's the problem
SARAH: There are a lot of comments saying like "maybe we shouldn't jump straight to divorce" but hearing that I don't know that this is a good -- also you only talk about the kids and his work? Do you have a job?
KAYLA: Yeah what do you do?
SARAH: Do you have a life? Do you have things to talk about?
KAYLA: Well maybe she's like a stay at home parent
SARAH: Yeah but she still...
KAYLA: I mean yeah
SARAH: Things still -- you know?
KAYLA: I know that.
SARAH: This is another good comment. It says "I am groot."
KAYLA: Yeah I did just see that one.
SARAH: So that's I think very thoughtful
KAYLA: Really helpful, I think
SARAH: Yeah. Okay. This comment says "where's the post where a husband, after years with his wife, learns she is conceited." That's what I was saying there's two different ways to take this. Anyway. That was a confession
KAYLA: It's true. It was
SARAH: The next one on the confessions subreddit
KAYLA: (laughing) Yeah
SARAH: is (clears throat) "I love the way he smells. It can't be anything more than shower gel sweat and natural musk". No Oxford comma in that sentence
KAYLA: Yeah which is tough for Sarah
SARAH: Tough. "He doesn't wear cologne at all but every time he's next to me I can smell him." That means you have a fully operational nose
KAYLA: Congratulations.
SARAH: "It's distinct and insanely erotic. I genuinely cannot cope with the vehement sexual attraction that his scent awakens in me. I truly indeed believe in pheromones because what in the world is this? I want to kiss him or just simply be held by him and just inhale him in over and over again. It's just him too. Everyone else wears cologne and smells artificially nice. Except for him." Ugh. Are you a wolf?
KAYLA: Possible. On the topic of pheromones, have you seen the people with vaginas on TikTok who have decided that to attract a mate they are going to take their natural smell from somewhere and put it on their neck and wrists where perfume would go?
SARAH: What in the Gwenyth Paltrow goo?
(laughter)
KAYLA: True
SARAH: Like hello? What do they think they're going to get out of that?
KAYLA: I don't know.
SARAH: What's the goal?
KAYLA: I never came across a video of someone actually doing it it was just videos of people making fun of the people that were doing that. I think the idea is like the pheromones or something. I mean pheromones that is a real thing
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like I'm not against what this person is saying
SARAH: It's just so intense
KAYLA: I feel like I'm reading an erotic novel
SARAH: Specifically an A/B/O erotic novel
KAYLA: I don't think this is unique to them or anything
SARAH: No. If you don't know what A/B/O means, don't look it up. You don't need to know.
KAYLA: I don't know what it means
SARAH: You do know what A/B/O means.
KAYLA: All butt orgasm
SARAH: Alpha
KAYLA AND SARAH: Beta, omega
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: I guess maybe I do know what that means
SARAH: You know what that is
KAYLA: Kay
SARAH: Well you know what? If you're more ignorant than I think you are, stay that way
KAYLA: I mean I feel like I probably... I don't know. We don't need to do this
SARAH: It's for some people but it is not for me.
KAYLA: Yeah I would assume it wouldn't be for you.
SARAH: All I'll say on the matter. Yeah I guess "It's distinct and insanely erotic. I genuinely cannot cope with the vehement sexual attraction that his scent awakens in me". That's a lot. It's just a lot to take in.
KAYLA: Also like does this person know? Seems like you're having trouble controlling yourself.
SARAH: Yeah.
(15:00)
SARAH: And presumably this person is a woman just based on their name and the context and they weren't like "it's me a man" but interesting. I like this one. It's just "I'm proud of my niece. That's all"
KAYLA: Did see that one. Oh no
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Oh no, oh no. "I've been in love with my cousin for years. I just found out she was my cousin a week ago" no further context.
SARAH: Oh dear
KAYLA: And only two comments
SARAH: (sighs)
KAYLA: These stories always horrify me of like two people that were adopted that don't find out until they're like at the altar
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I saw one where the husband was adopted
SARAH: I was just about to say I saw that recently
KAYLA: His wife turned out to be the biological daughter of his mom but like he was adopted so they're not related
SARAH: But they still got married because he was adopted
KAYLA: Yeah they're not related at all but the way that the story was worded you didn't find that out until the very end. They were just like "they still got married" and I was like "huh?"
SARAH: It was like "you know, found out day before the wedding that the bride was the long lost daughter of the groom's mother and they still got married" pause "because the groom was adopted"
KAYLA: (laughing) Truly insane. Oh no I found another terrible one.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Well I don't know I don't want to yuck anyone's yum but this is not for me. "Met a guy over a dating app. Met up with a guy over the weekend. We met on a dating app and it honestly was going really well. He told me he collects things and after going through the pretty normal stuff like books, Japanese blind box figurines, he told me he has a more unusual one. I did not expect him to pull out a plastic baggie of cut toenails from underneath his bed. An entire bag of his toenails. I don't really know what else to say about this but I was mortified" That was disgusting
SARAH: Yeah that's a lot. Not for me
KAYLA: I mean I have a jar of my cats' whiskers but that doesn't feel...
SARAH: That's not a toenail
KAYLA: Quite as bad. That just seems like something that's tough to share with someone you met on a dating app, like a stranger. (gasps) I keep finding terrible people.
SARAH: I have one that I think is very topical.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: "struggling to enjoy marriage without sex"
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: "Unhappy with this topic and unhappy to even there is no way out of this" good sentence
KAYLA: Oh. Great stuff.
SARAH: "My husband and I are married for a few years and even before then our sex life isn't as exciting as everyone else. I really thought he was just a boring bloke and it's not going to do well for me. However he is nice, calm, and respectful. We have no kids on our own as we don't want any. Now we are still having a stupid problem where he won't make love with me only when he feels like it which can be once in a week or once in 2 weeks. I'm in my 30s and sex makes me happy. I don't know if this will be the issue of our broken marriage. I need some crazy advice, but I'm not hoping and I don't want to cheat on him just for sex. I love him to death but also I'm dying inside." I was expecting this person to say the husband would only have sex once every 2 months. Once a week?
KAYLA: Yeah that seems like relatively average to me.
SARAH: That seems fine
KAYLA: I also am screaming at the wording of "he only have sex with me when he wants to" like yeah?
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah
KAYLA: Yeah uh huh. That's generally how it's supposed to work.
SARAH: Yeah. This one is also really interesting because again there's no indication on the gender of the person who posted it
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But if we want to be normative we can assume it's a woman. And if it were a man talking about a woman, people would be like "no this is horrible" like that phrasing
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Like "oh you don't want to have sex with her except when she wants?"
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But it's interesting when the tables are turned.
KAYLA: It just seems like she has not talked to him about it at all. Because she's like "I'm dying inside and I don't want to cheat on him just for sex" and it's like okay but have we tried talking?
SARAH: Yeah. Here's this comment that says "you married someone you're not sexually compatible with. There's nothing wrong with you wanting sex often but nothing wrong with your husband for wanting it less often either. Sex once a week is not a dead bedroom situation and it's unlikely to be a medical problem that can be fixed." (grumbles)
KAYLA: Okay, alright.
SARAH: "You just have different libidos. My advice for these types of situations is usually figure out if you're sexually compatible before you commit to each other but since that ship has sailed, all you can do is talk to your husband and let him know how much this is upsetting you and try to come up with a compromise. If that doesn't work, you'll have to decide if this is a dealbreaker and if so prioritize sexual compatibility higher in your next relationship than you did in this one"
(20:06)
SARAH: And then someone else comments and they said "dude that's what I'm saying. Once a week? I can't even imagine having sex that often or even once every 2 weeks, but I've been with my husband for 13 years. We love each other very dearly but I'm just not a very sexual person"
KAYLA: Yeah this is something, I think I talk about this in part of the book too, like our chapter on sex is that no one teaches you ever that sexual compatibility is like a thing or people have different libidos. You're just led to assume everyone will have sex naturally and it'll be great for everyone
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: This one is a little hard for me to wrap my mind around, like the advice of you should find out if you're sexually compatible beforehand because to me as an aspec person sex is like not a highest thing on my priority list
SARAH: Mhm
KAYLA: So I would be like "okay we aren't sexually compatible that's not a deal-breaker for me" so it's hard to wrap my mind around that being a deal-breaker for other people
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because I just don't experience that
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because to me it almost seems impossible to find someone you're 100% sexually compatible with. I'm thinking of examples of my straight friends and their straight relationships and that's like not, I don't know that I've ever known someone that's like "yeah we have perfect sex all the time"
SARAH: Yeah it's not like someone's like "I want to have sex exactly this many times a year. Let's have sex on Tuesdays and Thursdays and we will both want it equally every time". That's not how it works
KAYLA: Yeah I just... I don't know. Talk to your husband maybe
SARAH: Yeah. This one is very interesting this comment. It says "I was in a dead bedroom situation. We were best friends, he was affectionate outside of the bedroom. If we had sex it was because I initiated and it lasted less than 3 minutes." That's rough
(laughing)
SARAH: Oh no I just hung up on Kayla.
KAYLA: Bye Sarah. The call has ended
SARAH: Rip rip rip rip rip
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: Ah, it went to voicemail
KAYLA: I've been sent to voicemail
SARAH: Bestie
KAYLA: I am concerned that her phone died if I'm being honest. Oh, hello?
SARAH: We're back on
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: This is just my revenge for when you accidentally hung up on me right before we started recording
KAYLA: Okay but we weren't recording then
SARAH: Anyway. This person says "I was in a dead bedroom marriage. We were best friends. He was affectionate outside the bedroom. If we had sex it was because I initiated and it lasted less than 3 minutes," which you know
KAYLA: Okay but, well. Here's my thing about that
SARAH: 3 minutes is a long time
KAYLA: Wait 3 or 10? 3. My question is, is that 3 total, like foreplay included?
SARAH: That's a good question
KAYLA: Because that, I don't know about that
SARAH: Once again comes back to one of the very first questions of this podcast
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: How long is sex supposed to last?
KAYLA: Sex with foreplay included I think generally should be longer than 3 minutes
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah I would agree
KAYLA: Unless you're like doing it fast on purpose
SARAH: Anyway
KAYLA: And like, that's your thing. Anyway.
SARAH: Anyway. This person says "I was lucky if we had sex once a month. I had gone as long as 6 months. He told me he just didn't have the libido. He told me he was self-conscious, he told me he was tired and stressed. He swore he didn't masturbate. I was so lonely. I trusted him but then things got weird. He was behaving more tense, stopped smiling at me, was always working in his office late, so I snooped on his laptop" (laughing) Great. Amazing. Lots of trust.
KAYLA: Great marriage
SARAH: Yep. "It was full of camgirls and porn"
KAYLA: Uh oh
SARAH: "he was obsessed with one particular camgirl and had been sending her money for months. My husband is a porn/sex addict. Our whole relationship he'd been masturbating to porn while claiming to be too tired or too out of shape or too uninterested for me. He's been through intense therapy and received so much help. Our marriage is much better but we still struggle with sex and intimacy because for him, sometime long ago when he was younger, that connection between sex and intimacy broke. Now he's relearning how to make emotional connections. The damage he did might make it too late for us, but if your husband is still struggling with something like this, getting him help sooner rather than when he's bottom is not only better for him but for you too"
KAYLA: (sighs) Listen, that's tough
SARAH: Yeah that's a rough situation
KAYLA: And like sex addiction and porn addiction, that's a thing. But her being like "you should get your husband help" like they're having sex once a week. He doesn't need help
SARAH: I'm glad that for them getting help was helpful.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It seems like in this situation it was healthy and it was good, but also this person is like saying he probably has a sex addiction?
(25:00)
KAYLA: He doesn't need help.
SARAH: I'm glad that for them, getting help was helpful.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It seems like in this situation, it was healthy and it was good, but also this person is like
saying like, he probably has a sex addiction, which let's not… correlation is not a causation.
KAYLA: Yeah, let's not. Dang, that's intense.
SARAH: Yeah. This person says, “these problems normally occur later in life. So he's very young to be like this”.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: “He may be having a lot of stress you're not aware of.”
KAYLA: Alright
SARAH: Now this person says, “let me put it this way. I have a particularly high sex drive, whereas my fiance, they can go a while without sex and even masturbating no problem. Sex once a week isn't a bad thing. It's actually a pretty good standard for sex. However, with a high sex drive, there's responsibility. Your husband loves you and it's apparent that he's attracted to you, but a sex drive is lower than yours and that's okay. The whole thing about relationships is communicating your needs and listening to his needs. It could also be that you're craving intimacy more than you are craving sex. There are ways to be intimate in the bedroom that don't lead to sex. There are ways to be intimate without having sex at all. Intimacy could be showering or reading together while listening to music you both enjoy. It could be touching, caressing or rubbing certain parts of the body that aren't the penis vagina breasts.” Wow. They really said.
KAYLA: They’re really saying it.
SARAH: They use the words, the medical words. “It could be as simple as cuddling with your favorite book or movie. You two are married and therefore you are a team. A team without communication and family retention is not a very good team. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Consent is especially important. If you keep badgering him or trying to convince him to have sex with you when he gives in, then you've just defiled your marriage bed because that is sexual assault. It's one thing in mentioning here and there that you're feeling the urge and would like some action, but making him feel like he has to have sex with you is a huge breach of autonomy and boundaries.”
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Very well said.
SARAH: And a lot of the people who are here are saying like, have you talked to him about this because this is something that you need to talk to him about.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it seems like you haven't. Oh my. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. This person says, “do things to turn him on. Stick your hand down his trousers when you are going somewhere. Tell him you want to make out. Tell him you want to blow him so hard his toes will never uncurl. Be naked when he gets home.”
KAYLA: No
SARAH: that makes me wanna walk off a cliff.
KAYLA: That's nothing. You can't do that when you know he doesn't want it. (sighs)
SARAH: That's not acceptable.
KAYLA: Can I give you a light-hearted one?
SARAH: Hold on, I have one more comment.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: This person goes, “Get his testosterone checked, may be low.”
KAYLA: Oh kay
SARAH: And this person goes, “Is it not possible that sometimes a man has low libido?”
KAYLA: Jesus Christ.
SARAH: A lot of people are saying testosterone, blah, blah, blah, blah.
KAYLA: Oh, I hate people.
SARAH: Okay, continue.
KAYLA: Here's a good one. “I've been taking swigs of buffalo sauce straight from the bottle.
I just love the flavor so much and no one else here touches it. I make it myself from a Franks red hot base and I'm addicted.” So there's no comments on that.
SARAH: That's delightful.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: that's delightful. This one is interesting. “I found myself at a massage parlor that was clearly a brothel without realizing it. I have strong shame that I may have cheated even though nothing happened. So I'm not sure how to feel about this, but here it goes. Let me first say I'm in a very loving relationship and if never or will never cheat. I need to preface this for what happened to me because the other night I'm the other night because I'm slightly freaked out. Basically, I was traveling for work and I landed late. I was very stiff in my neck in my back and looked for an open massage parlor. I found one, made an appointment and walked in. It was immediately suspicious, but I figured if any funny business were to be offered, I would politely decline. I was already on edge, but I wanted to get rid of my neck and back pain. Well, the massage went as normal and then all of a sudden she removed the towel, completely showing my bare ass. I quickly asked her to cover my butt, please, and I just want the massage. The masseuse was obviously disappointed as every time she got close to my ass, I reminded her to stop. So within 29 minutes of the full hour I paid for, I lifted my head and asked her to leave. I got up, got dressed, and left. I feel very foolish as I should have trusted my gut and left before it even started. I'll be more careful in the future, but I feel awful. I actually have an anonymous tip to the police to boot. I just feel a little shameful and freaked out.” There's nothing wrong with what you did.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: It's wild that you say that the masseuse was obviously disappointed.
KAYLA: That's tough.
SARAH: This is their job. I don't think they cared. I think they were just confused.
KAYLA: Well, I don't know. Maybe she was disappointed.
SARAH: Maybe
KAYLA; Either way, it's not this person's fault.
SARAH: Yeah. If she was disappointed, then, you know, good honor, but it seems weird to assume that she was disappointed.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know.
SARAH: Also, you gave an anonymous tip to the police? Hmm.
KAYLA: Yeah, that seems-
SARAH: How do you feel about that?
KAYLA: I don't know. I mean
(30:00)
KAYLA: I wasn't there. So it's like, because like, I don't know. I feel like usually when you get a massage, they like ask you your comfort level with like certain parts of the body.
SARAH: Yeah. Oh my God. This was two minutes ago.There are no comments.
KAYLA: They do like massage your butt at a massage, but I don't know why they would take the towel off. You don't need to. So yeah, I don't know.
SARAH: Yeah. And there's no comments because it was supposed to two minutes ago. Wow. Hold on. This one has an intriguing title. It's suggested. No. No, I can't look at it because I don't have a Reddit account and it wants me to confirm that I'm over 18.
Let me just read you the headline.
KAYLA: You can send it to me. I have a Reddit account.
SARAH: To the Walmart vibrator thief.
KAYLA: Okay. Well, now I have to know.
SARAH: Exactly.
KAYLA: Send it to me.
SARAH: I did.
KAYLA: “I'm an employee at Walmart and found a box that was supposed to contain a vibrating wand, but since it was stolen, it was missing. I stood there and thought, if it's good enough to steal, it must be real good, plus I heard good reviews of this brand before, so I went and bought it once I had a paycheck. Yes, Walmart sells sex toys even in Canada. Dear thief of the vibrating wand, thanks for inspiring me.”
SARAH: That's delightful.
KAYLA: (laughing) I, as someone said, this post was a roller coaster. Thanks for sharing. And the OP said no problemo. And then another person said, and you speak Spanish, cultured af.
And then they just started answering in German?
SARAH: (laughing) Good.
KAYLA: And then someone asked, how was it? Can't leave us hanging. And they said, it's been really good. I should recharge it. I love this person.
SARAH: Oh man. Here's one. I left my girlfriend because she's a psychopath. Yesterday on my girlfriend's birthday, I realized that she likes pulp in her orange juice.
KAYLA: (laughing) No, stop it
SARAH: Only psychopaths like pulp. So I told her I was sorry And then I couldn't be with a psycho and broke up with her. I tried posting on r/am I the asshole, but they deleted my posts.
KAYLA: You're kidding. There's no way that's true.
SARAH: I don't know. I think we should be more careful about using the word psychopath willy-nilly.
KAYLA: yeah, when I heard you say that, I was like, oh damn, what'd she do? Murder someone?
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah. But this is horrible. I mean, pulp is gross. I don't like orange juice at all. I'm not an orange juice person. I'll drink it, but I won't have a good time. And pulp is wrong.
KAYLA: But it's not a psycho.
SARAH: This one, it's just one word, this confession. It says cunts.
KAYLA: So true
SARAH: And then someone said, cool story. And they said, OP, he said, it's not a story. It's true.
KAYLA: (laughing) It's true.
SARAH: Oh no. “Guys, Rip, my girlfriend and I's hamster died. Her name was Chubbies. That's all. But if you'd like to send your condolences, that'd be appreciated. Just scroll by. It's okay. I won't be mad.” I'm sorry about Chubbies.
KAYLA: People are talking about crimes in here.
SARAH: Oh
KAYLA: There's some dark shit in here.
SARAH: Oh, this one's like kind of sad. “My boyfriend said the only reason he'd get married is for tax purposes. It kind of hurt my feelings.” That's rough. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Sorry. A comment. This person goes, “just to play devil's advocate. What are the other incentives?” I mean, and the OP actually did answer. They said, “the only reasons I would want to is one, because my family is very religious and they would actually disown me if we stayed together but never got married. Like they've actually said that, although I'm thinking about cutting them out of my life for other reasons anyway. So I'm not too worried about that. And two, it's just always something that I wanted. I don't want a crazy huge wedding. Honestly, even if it's just us two in a courthouse, I'd be very happy with that. Maybe because I was raised Christian, so that value might always be in the back of my mind but for some reason, it's just really important to me. We're still very young though, so we have plenty of time to figure out what we want.” Fucking devil's advocate, reply guy, motherfucker.
KAYLA: I hate devil's advocate.
SARAH: Oh my God. This person goes, “he must be a libertarian.” And the OP goes, “he used to be.” Now he's more left-wing.
KAYLA: Reformed libertarian. Let me hit you with this one.
SARAH: I saw something very disturbing. We're not reading it. Hit me with it.
KAYLA: Okay. I woke up with gum between my ass cheeks.
(35:00)
KAYLA: “The title basically sums it up. I'm posting this here because I need to let it out and no one in my life will understand. This morning I woke up and I felt something between my cheeks.
Afraid I had somehow shit myself, I reached into my underwear to find a piece of chewed gum stuck all up in my ass hairs.”
SARAH: (laughing) I like how they thought they shit themselves so instead of going to the bathroom stuck their hand.
KAYLA: It's like there's only one way. “I was surprised, but not shocked as I chew a lot of gum and chances are I chewed some while sitting on my bed yesterday. I am baffled though as to how a piece escaped my mouth without my knowledge and made its way into my boxer briefs. Maybe I should have gotten some scissors and cut it out, but I didn't want to get out of bed yet. So I just gently pulled it until it was free. A few hairs came out, but we'll just call them a parting gift. I then bundled it up in a tissue placed on my nightstand and slept soundly for another hour.” No, do they like sleep walked and was chewing gum and was like, oh, I don't know where to put this. This is a safe place.
SARAH: Oh man, now this one is funny because it reminds me of what one of our patrons promotes. “British people aren't real. So you expect me to believe that a bunch of people from a small little island somehow managed to take over the majority of the world. You also expect me to believe that these people look like goblins and eat weird shit. Edit, I am Republican.”
KAYLA: (laughing) Stop, stop.
SARAH: (laughing) What is the context? Why was that necessary?
KAYLA: I will say we watched the Great British Bake Off in this house and the names that they have for things is just.
SARAH: It's a soggy bottom.
KAYLA: Very silly.
SARAH: And the Mexican episode.
KAYLA: Tough.
SARAH: Very offensive.
KAYLA: Tough.
SARAH: How about this one? “I ate frozen pie crust thinking it was a burrito.”
KAYLA: That sounds like something you would do on purpose.
SARAH: (laughing) “I saw a real long burrito in my freezer, rolled up with no labels or box, just plastic wrap. I popped it in the microwave and I ate it, but there was no filling in the burrito. It was just tortilla and it tasted and looked exactly like tortilla too. I called up my dad and told him not to buy the burritos again and I fucking find out I just ate rolled up pie crust. He hung up on me because he was trying not to laugh at work. I mean Jesus Christ man, I even still thought it was a shitty burrito after tasting it. What the actual fuck is wrong with me lol.”
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: (laughing) I saw a real long burrito in my freezer. That's so fucking funny.
KAYLA; It's just something you would do.
SARAH: No, not this person saying, “oh man, been there. Sorry, that sucks.”
KAYLA: What? Why is this happening to people?
SARAH: “I mean technically it was a burrito, just a pie crust burrito.” A good point.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Should we maybe finish on one more good one?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I just keep finding disturbing things.
KAYLA: That's what I'm saying. I did anal in my grandmother's bed.
SARAH: Pray tell.
KAYLA: This is long. “I told this to my closest friends while drinking and thought to post it here to get off my chest. About a year ago, I moved to a new town with some of my friends from high school and had been staying at my grandma's place while living and working downtown. On a Friday night, my friends and I went to a local bar and drinks came and came until the bar closed late at night. There's a pizza place close to my place, open until three to four a.m. for the bar goers And close to the bar, we were at, so we decided to grab a slice of pizza. Mind you, we were all super sauced. And then one of my friends dared me to go ask a girl at the pizza place if you wanted to come to anal at mine and she unbelievably agreed. We went to my place.”
SARAH: Hold on. Is this an employee or is this just a person who was there?
KAYLA: I think just a person that was there.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Is my guess. “So we went to my place, pizzas in hand and got cozy with wine and then it happened. Middle of sex, she turns around and said, put it in my butt. I, in utter disbelief, hesitated monetarily then stuck it in. One stroke in.”
SARAH: Hold on, was there no preparation for this?
KAYLA: No, because it came out, it came out and there was shit.
SARAH: Oh, oh dear.
KAYLA: “I was to leave the next day for a new job in a different town. And once everything was clean, we fell asleep and went about our day the following day. They did, they did clean up.
I forgot to change the sheets and got a phone call from my relatives screaming from the end of the phone. It was at that moment I knew I screwed the pooch real bad.”
SARAH: No, you screwed the pizza girl.
KAYLA: I just feel like there should have been some prep.
SARAH: My, my question was more, was more just the dick went directly in the butt with no preparation of the butt? I've been told that that's not.
KAYLA: Oh, like a lube?
(40:00)
SARAH: Yeah. Or just, you know.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I've been told you shouldn't just stick it right in is not. Even if you do have a lube, not necessarily a good idea.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know. But what I do know what I've been told is there was shitties.
SARAH: I don't like that. I got to go. I'm busy. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed these confessions. Some I enjoyed some I didn't.
SARAH: Yeah. Kayla, what is our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Oh, no. Confess something to us.
SARAH: Oh my God. That's so spicy. Do a confession.
KAYLA: Do a confession. We won't share them unless you give us permission to.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA; There's a podcast I listen to called Normal Gossip. It's a gossip podcast. And the host of it sometimes does just like confessions where people send her their gossip
or their confessions and she like posts them anonymously on her story. It's very funny.
Hot goss.
SARAH: Delightful. Kayla, what is your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: Oh my. My beef is the sun. Why does it keep leaving so early? It makes me sad.
SARAH: So your beef is not the sun. Your beef is daylight savings time.
KAYLA: Yeah, but the sun is a culprit.
SARAH: It's not the sun's fault. It's the earth's fault for spinning.
KAYLA; Well, I hate them all.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: My juice is that I got a library card this week. And now.
SARAH: (singing) Having fun isn't hard. When you've got a library card.
KAYLA: And there's this app where you can just get your ebooks and audio books just on your devices. I don't even have to go to the library.
SARAH: Yep. Libraries are great. I say knowing full well I don't have a library card.
KAYLA: You should get one. The old man who gave it to me was so excited.
SARAH: Oh man. There's a little branch that's really close to me, but it's like never open.
KAYLA: I have two branches that are within a couple blocks of each other. It's wild.
SARAH: Hm, fun
KAYLA: One is connected to a high school though, and that's kind of scary.
SARAH: Yeah, high schoolers are scary.
KAYLA: Teens are – teens scare me.
SARAH: My beef is I had some beef that I was really angry about last night that I wrote down,
and then I deleted the note because mental care, self-care.
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: My juice is that in the state of Michigan, Democrats won all of them.
KAYLA: It's true.
SARAH: The governor, the attorney general, the secretary of state
KAYLA: The abortion
SARAH: the abortion, the house, both of the senates, very exciting.
KAYLA: I do have bad news update from last week when I was talking about the crazy people running for school board in my town.
SARAH: Did they win?
KAYLA: Three of the four of them have definitely gotten in, and the last seat is like a dead tie right now, last I heard. So that's upsetting.
SARAH: Woofies.
KAYLA: Yeah. Not unexpected, but sad.
SARAH: Yeah. Rip, well, you can tell us about your beef, your juice, your juice beef, your goose. Oh my God.
KAYLA; Your stinky confessions.
SARAH: If you have a goose, tell me about it, but if it's a Canadian goose.
KAYLA: Oh my God, please.
SARAH: If it's like a Canadian goose that shits in my yard, I don't have a yard, but if it is, I don't want to hear about it. But if it's like a nice little goose.
KAYLA: Only if it's a silly goose.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KAYLA: When are the new emojis coming? There’s supposed to be a goose emoji.
SARAH: Oh, that's so true. Anyway, you can tell us about those things on our social media at Sounds Fake Pod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod.
If you want to support this shit show, our $5 patrons who are promoting something this week are George Ankers, Green_sarah, H. Valdís, Hadas Drukker, and Jackie Rubashkin. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Arcnes, who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Alyson – Wait, did we ever message, Alyson?
KAYLA: I don't know. That’s your job
SARAH: Have I made a mistake? Have I made a missed stake? Alyson, I'm sorry. I don't think I asked you what you want to promote. What do you want to promote? Ari K., who would like to promote ThoughtSlime, Benjamin Ybarra, who would like to promote Tabletop Games, and Cass, who would like to promote using the correct pronouns for everyone. Everyone. Our other $10 patrons are CinnamonTos, Punch, David Jay, David Nurse, Derek and Karissa. Elle Bitter, not bitters. Only one. I've been corrected. I gaslit myself into thinking it was plural when it was not. My Aunt Jeannie, Maggie Capalbo. Shout out to my Aunt Jeannie. She just got a new part-time job
KAYLA: I saw that
SARAH: doing a job that she did like 20 years ago, and she really liked, and now she's doing it again.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: Maggie Capello, Martin, Giselle, Maddie, Potato, Purple Hayes, Rosie Costello, Barefoot, Backpacker, SongOfStorm, who they did tell me what they want to promote, and since I didn't actually say it last time, I would like to say that SongOfStorm wants to promote a healthy work-life balance, and I think they're @ing me.
KAYLA: So true. Yeah, I do think they're coming for you.
SARAH: The Steve and Zirklteo, who, again, England isn't real.
KAYLA: Sorry.
SARAH: I don't know if you're a Republican Zirklteo, but if you are, don't tell me.
KAYLA: yeah, I don't want to know. I don't want to just keep giving us your money, but like.
SARAH: Our 15-year-old patrons are Andrew Hillum, who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, click4Caroline, who'd like to promote Ace of Hearts. Also, I believe her birthday is coming up. Happy birthday Caroline!
KAYLA: Yes, and for her birthday, she's doing a Kickstarter for… Oh God, Oh God, I'm finding it. Here I go.
SARAH: Scooby-dooby-doo.
KAYLA: For her birthday, she's doing a GoFundMe for her funds to develop the world's first TV
series with an asexual lead.
SARAH: Yay!
KAYLA: So you should go to her Instagram.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And learn.
SARAH: Yeah. Dia Chappell who would like to promote twitch.tv/melodydia, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person. A new friend named John. Thanks, John.
KAYLA: Hi
SARAH: I actually did already message you, John. I've actually done my job for once.
KAYLA: Wow.
SARAH: On your behalf, I'm going to promote. (makes popping sound) Yeah. I'm going to promote the people who come into your life just for a small time, but just when you need them, Nathaniel White, who would like to promote nathanieljwhite designs.com
No. KateMaggartArt.com. Sarah Jones, who's @eternalloli everywhere. Sabrina, oh $20. These are the $20.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: Merry Christmas from your parents. It is Christmas time. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. And Dragonfly, who would also, much like John, like to promote. (lip popping sound) Thanks for, wait, that wasn't good enough. (louder lip popping sound) There we go. Thanks for listening to the next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: Until then, take good care of your cows.
(47:14)