Hey what's up hello! In what might be our most chaotic episode yet, this week we bring you aspec Shark Tank. Sarah has come up with 11 of the best(?) aspec business ideas and Kayla is here to invest.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/aspec-shark-tank
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! In what might be our most chaotic episode yet, this week we bring you aspec Shark Tank. Sarah has come up with 11 of the best(?) aspec business ideas and Kayla is here to invest.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/aspec-shark-tank
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
(00:00)
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to sounds sharks, but okay. I'm – I see it. I couldn't – I fucked myself self up. Hey, what's up? Hello.
KAYLA: Hey, what's up? Sharks? Hello.
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Sharks? Hello. Welcome to sounds sharks, but okay. The shark cast where two sharks. I'm an aro. I'm Sarah an aroace girl. That's me.
KAYLA: I'm a bi demisexual shark. That's me, Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, sex, relationships, sharks
KAYLA: sharks
SARAH: and anything else. Teeth.
KAYLA: On today's episode, sharks.
SARAH AND KAYLA: (laughing) Sounds sharks, but okay.
(Shark Tank theme music)
(theme music)
SARAH: Welcome back to the shark pod!
KAYLA: It's shark week. I don't think it actually is, but it is here.
SARAH: I don't think we've ever had a pre, a pre theme song that chaotic.
KAYLA: And then what a beautiful theme song as well.
SARAH: So beautiful. What? But there's a first for everything.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And it is shark week.
KAYLA: It's shark week here on the when was shark week? Cause it’s definitely done
SARAH: I think it was like three months ago. It's done for sure. I think it's like at the beginning, middle of summer
KAYLA: shark week, 2023, July 23rd.
SARAH: Okay. Middle of the summer
KAYLA: We missed it. We missed it.
SARAH: Yeah, we did. But it is shark week here on sounds shark, but okay. Do we have any shark keeping?
KAYLA: just the usual teeth buy our book.
SARAH: Brush your teeth.
KAYLA: Brush your teeth. I went to the dentist today and the dental hygienist said that she
could tell that I flossed and I had good dental hygiene.
SARAH: You're so brave.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: Okay. Well, Kayla, what are we shirking about this shark?
KAYLA: This shark. And it does sound like we're saying shart sometimes. So sorry. Uh, sometimes in the morning, I wake up to a long string of texts from Sarah, which is always a really fun time for me. I really do enjoy it, and this morning I woke up to many texts, uh, that made it clear that Sarah had been watching some Jenna and Julien compilations, which we love. I am, I am, a consumer of these fine goods.
SARAH: Absolutely
KAYLA: Uh, and on the Jenna and Julien podcast, may she rest in peace. They would often do a shark tank.
SARAH:Jenna and Julian aren't dead just the podcast
KAYLA: just the podcast. They're doing great.
SARAH: They’re married
KAYLA: I think from what I can parasocially tell.
SARAH: I miss Jenna.
KAYLA: I know. Anyway. Um, but they used to do shark tank. And so Sarah, Sarah brought to us today that we should do a spec shark tank.
SARAH: I have, I think nine proposals for the sharks.
KAYLA: Uh, you told me 11.
SARAH: So that's a little, you know, in my head just now, I said 13 and then out of my mouth came nine.
KAYLA: Nine. Yeah, but you told me 11. So what’s the truth?
SARAH: (laughing) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
KAYAL: Okay. Good. First answer.
SARAH: Just average what I said and what I thought.
KAYLA: Okay. Perfect.
SARAH: I have 11, Elvin, if you will, proposals for the sharks and Kayla is the sharks.
KAYLA: Yeah. When, when I saw this morning that Sarah already had 11, I was like, well, I'm certainly not going to do anything. She's clearly got it covered. I'll just be the sharks.
SARAH: So Kayla's the sharks and welcome to shark tank.
KAYLA: yeah, Sarah, notably never seen a full episode of shark tank.
SARAH: No, never seen a full episode of shark tank.
KAYLA: So… good.
SARAH: Is Donald Trump on shark tank? No.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: That was celebrity.
KAYLA: He had his, he had, yeah, he had his own show. Shark tank is Mark Cuban.
SARAH: Yeah, that's the guy that I'm picturing.
KAYLA: And the QVC lady.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And the bald guy.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And Lori.
SARAH: There's another one?
KAYLA: With the short hair. Well, I think her name is Lori. There's usually four, but they change sometimes.
SARAH: Okay. Well, they're all sharks.
KAYLA: Should we explain shark tank?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I think we should begin by explaining Shark Tank
(05:00)
KAYLA: Maybe we should explain shark tank for those that don't know. Shark tank is a television show where these like rich business people, the people we just mentioned, sit on a panel and people bring them their like business ideas, usually businesses that already exist, and they pitch their business asking the sharks to invest. So usually they'll be like, hello sharks. My name is whoever, and this is my company and I want $50,000 for exchange of 25% of my company or whatever, and then they pitch their business and the sharks answer – or ask a bunch of questions. And then they like, sometimes they're all like, no, fuck you. Goodbye. And sometimes they like fight and they like try to get the best deals. Notably, I think scrub daddy was a shark tank?
SARAH: Really? I have a scrub daddy in my kitchen. You know what? That sounds right, actually, now that you say that.
KAYLA: There's a lot of things that were once a shark tank and a lot of things that none of the sharks want, but then they do well anyway, because the show gives them a publicity.
SARAH: The sharks are losers.
KAYLA: Yeah. But anyway, that's shark tank. It's just watching business people invest in companies.
SARAH: Great television.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: We love reality TV.
KAYLA: Yeah, I do.
SARAH: In this here WGA strike.
KAYLA: Uh, yeah. Listen, we take what we can get.
SARAH: Yeah. So I'm going to pitch Kayla 11 aspec products.
KAYLA: So are they all products? None of them are services?
SARAH: Hm. What is a product or a service, really?
KAYLA: Uh, well, huh?
SARAH: They are… things.
KAYLA: Mhm. Okay, great.
SARAH: You'll find out.
KAYLA: I can't wait.
SARAH: Alright. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Okay. I'm walking in. I'm waddling like a duck.
KAYLA: (singing the Shark Tank theme music)
SARAH: Not very accessible for people who may have trouble walking.
KAYLA: I'm sure that they could have them just not do the walk.
SARAH: I'm sure they could.
KAYLA: I don't think it's necessary.
SARAH: Anyway. Hi, sharks. I'm Barbara.
KAYLA: Hi. Oh, hi, Barbara.
SARAH: My closest friends and allies call me Barbie, but you don't get to do that unless you invest.
KAYLA: Unless I invest. Okay. Perfect. Sounds good.
SARAH: Alright. My first product for your perusal. I would like all your money.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And in return, you'll get 1% of everything.
KAYLA: Of everything in the world?
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay. Great. Perfect. Go on.
SARAH: But not your money.
KAYLA: Right. Okay
SARAH:. Everything except your money.
KAYLA: My money. Okay.
SARAH: Yep. Okay. Introducing the bonk!
KAYLA: Oh, no.
SARAH: Are the people around you horny too often? Is it interfering with your life, your happiness, your ability to hold a regular conversation? Fucking bonk them. It's a hammer. Okay?
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: You know, like the bonk meme?
KAYLA: I do.
SARAH: It's bonk. And also, the way that it works is, you know how in Spider-Verse, Spider-Pig pulls an entire toy hammer out of nowhere? It's like that. But for horny bonks.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And I would like all your money.
KAYLA: So what's the difference? Why would I buy this instead of just buying a hammer from the store and bonking people with that?
SARAH: Well, the hammer doesn't materialize out of nowhere.
KAYLA: Okay. And have you patented that technology?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: There are patents under my last name in this country.
KAYLA: Well, yeah. But they're not for you.
SARAH: (laughing) What if they're my dad's?
KAYLA: (laughing) Are they? Oh, they are, aren't they?
SARAH: (laughing) Yeah. I think my dad has a couple patents.
KAYLA: Wait, why?
SARAH: He's an engineer.
KAYLA: (laughing) Okay. So is my dad. He has to have patents.
SARAH: I could be lying. I feel like there were some in frames in our den growing up.
KAYLA: Well, now I want to Google your dad's name.
SARAH: You gotta Google the right name.
KAYLA: Oh, wait. I don't know his actual middle... I know his real first name.
SARAH: Oh, gee. Let me go to his LinkedIn. I wonder if that'll say. I could also ask him.
(10:00)
SARAH: Or better yet, I could ask my sister. I won't, though.
KAYLA: I mean, there are patents under his name, but also his name is pretty common.
SARAH: What patents are they?
KAYLA: There's one for.
SARAH: Do they have to do with key fobs?
KAYLA: Well, one of these is a car.
SARAH: Car wheel locking or window?
KAYLA: Monitoring and predicting physical force attacks on transaction terminals. Visual features. So it's something with a vehicle, it says.
SARAH: Does it have to do with the window? Receiver with antenna switching capability issued December 1st, 2015. Method of preparing a universal tire pressure monitoring sensor issued June 3rd, 2014. My father has eight patents, according to his LinkedIn.
KAYLA: That's too many. Jack. Please!
SARAH: I mean, they're not. They're not. They're not just him.
KAYLA: I know. Yeah, but that's still pretty wild.
SARAH: His first patent was from 2004. Oh my God, it was issued on my birthday in 2004.
KAYLA: Happy birthday.
SARAH: Happy birthday to me.
KAYLA: Anyway, so you have some patent contacts, it seems.
SARAH: I have some credibility.
KAYLA: Okay, that's good to know. And how many units have you sold so far?
SARAH: Six.
KAYLA: Six. And how much money does it cost to make them?
SARAH: Six.
KAYLA: And how much do you sell them for?
SARAH: Seven. You'll note that that is a different
KAYLA: a higher number?
SARAH: Yeah, you get a, what's it called, when you make money?
KAYLA: You make a $1 profit?
SARAH: Yeah, you make a profit.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Well, I said it, I didn't say it was dollars.
KAYLA: Oh, sorry. What is it?
SARAH: Seven.
KAYLA: Seven. So, but if I give you all my money, how am I going to make money back if all you're making is seven?
SARAH: Well, you get 1% of the whole world.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: You know how much, like, you know how much money they have in Saudi Arabia? A lot. You get 1% of that colonialism.
KAYLA: And you're allowed to give that away?
SARAH: Listen, I think anything that belongs to Mohammed bin Salman belongs to all of us. KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: He fucking killed a journalist. I don't care. I don't care what he owns.
KAYLA: Okay, but how am I going to get it without him killing me?
SARAH: Carefully.
KAYLA: Okay. I like this idea. I think it's very good. I just feel like you're not going to be able to give me 1% of the entire world.
SARAH: What if I offer you 1.2%?
KAYLA: I think you can't get that either.
SARAH: What if I offer you this little ball?
KAYLA: That's the stress ball?
SARAH: It's one of those ones where you like it has a bunch of little dangly things. That's not a good way to describe something. They're stretchy. Koosh? Koosh?
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: (laughing) I don't know.
KAYLA: What is a Koosh?
SARAH: This does have a name. I just can't think of it.
KAYLA: I believe you. I'm going to pass. I'm going to pass on this investment.
SARAH: It's called a Koosh ball. I was right.
KAYLA: Wow. I'm proud of you. Why do you always smell it?
SARAH: I smell a lot of things. Don't worry about it.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Okay. Well, it's okay that you didn't invest in that product because I have 10 more. KAYLA: Great. I can't wait.
SARAH: Alright. Are people being problems?
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: This is a question I'd like you to answer. Call and response.
KAYLA: I mean, yeah.
SARAH: Well, I have the product for you. It's called Stick. It's like bonk, but not. And only aspecs can use it.
KAYLA: Why?
SARAH: If you're not aspec, it literally just disappears out of your hand. So if you're fluid, it may just appear and disappear at random.
KAYLA: And so what does it do? It's just a stick?
SARAH: It's Stick.
KAYLA: And you use it when people are problems?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: (laughing) What kind of problem?
SARAH: (laughing) Allo problems.
KAYLA: Okay. Why would I have this if I also had bonk?
SARAH: Well –
KAYLA: Do I need both? Do they come as a set?
SARAH: Oh my God. That's such a good idea. Mx. Shark. You're so smart.
KAYLA: Thanks. Do you use it at different times than you would use bonk?
SARAH: Well, most people have two hands.
KAYLA: Well, that's a little presumptuous.
(15:00)
SARAH: That's why I said most people.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: That is objectively true. Most people have two hands.
KAYLA: Yeah, but what if I don't? Then what?
SARAH: Then you don't fall under the category of most.
KAYLA: No, but what am I going to do with these products if I don't have two hands?
SARAH: Are you saying that people that don't have two hands can't use regular everyday products?
KAYLA: Well, you came at me with most people have two hands.
SARAH: You asked me why you should get both. One for each hand!
KAYLA: And what if I only have one hand?
SARAH: Then you can either put them both in one hand. You can use one of those modular devices that helps you hold two things in one hand.
KAYLA: Mhm. But once again, what am I using stick for that I'm not using bonk for?
SARAH: Just like… anger.
KAYLA: Okay, I'm going to go back. I definitely don't want this one, but I will take bonk, actually.
SARAH: Oh, wow. Second thoughts on bonk. Thank you so much.
KAYLA: Well, hearing that stick is your second makes me worried that none of the rest will be good. And I feel like I should invest in it at least one
SARAH: I told you. Before we did this, Kayla was like, should I have a set amount of money that I can only distribute that set amount of money? And I was like, well, but then what if you don't give me any money? And she was like, what? And I was like, what if they're all so bad?
KAYLA: It does feel like we're tracking towards that.
SARAH: Kayla, I'm sorry, shark.
KAYLA: (laughing) Who are you talking to? My name is shark. Please.
SARAH: Mx. Shark, Mrs. Shark, Mr. Shark, Dr. Shark. Dr. Shark? PhD.
KAYLA: Yeah. Dr. Shark is great. Yeah, Dr. Shark PhD flat earther is perfect.
SARAH: Dr. scharf
KAYLA: Uh huh. Please. That's my father.
SARAH: That means sharp in German.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Dr. Shark PhD flat earther?
KAYLA: Flat earther, like Shaq. Yeah.
SARAH: Are you sick of hearing love songs on the radio? Because as we all know, the radio is where most of us get our music these days.
KAYLA: Is it?
SARAH: That was a joke.
KAYLA: Okay. Okay. Continue.
SARAH: One brain cell and it is somewhere over middle America right now. It is traveling between us and neither of us has it.
KAYLA: Someone's extra smart right now in middle America.
SARAH: It's like over Kansas.
KAYLA: Yeah. You're welcome, Kansas.
SARAH: Introducing the Device For Adjusting Music for Minimizing Allo-ness or DFAMMA.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: If you're wondering why one of the fours made it into the acronym and the other didn't, the radical left has already gotten to you and it's too late. We'll hold the funeral tomorrow.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Just don't go there. Anyway, DFAMMA. It makes it so that all love, sex, and romance related words in songs you hear are replaced by innocuous, charming, not allo words. For example, the word love becomes Teletubby. If you're worried about the number of syllables, don't. If you're worried about trademark law, I know a guy, so it's fine. Another example, the word hand becomes dangerously and improperly lit sparkler. I love the classic song. I want to hold your dangerously and improperly lit sparkler. One of my favorites. It's timeless. And then finally, my final example for you is that the word kiss becomes giblets. No explanation needed. I want you to give me-
KAYLA: A song?
SARAH: I want you to give me 50 $2 bills.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: And a handstand.
KAYLA: I actually, here's the thing about $2 bills. I was talking to someone yesterday who just, I thought they didn't make them anymore. Okay.
SARAH: I kind of also thought that.
KAYLA: Me too. But then everyone thought I was an idiot because I was talking to someone yesterday who's like, brother works at a bank and he wanted a bunch of $2 bills. And I guess you have to special order them. They're not at the bank. So really, do they make them anymore? Anyway, so he just uses $2 bills in his everyday life, like at the store.
SARAH: Whenever I have a $2 bill, I'm like afraid to use it because I'm like, oh, this is special.
KAYLA: No, yeah. I want to save it. Because I was like, okay. Because what happened was I was part of a fantasy draft because that's my life now. And it's like a $5 buy-in. And so this guy used two $2 bills and a $1 bill.
(20:00)
KAYLA: And I was like, oh, well, that's probably worth more than $5, right? Because like $2 bills are rare. And then everyone was like, no, you fucking idiot. They make them still. And I was like, well, how was I supposed to know?
SARAH: Well, they don't make them consistently. I'm on the Wikipedia page.
KAYLA: Okay, good, good.
SARAH: Recent times they have issued $2 banknotes. December 2019, October 2013 through September 2014. A total of 44,800,000 notes were ordered for the fiscal year 2014.
KAYLA: Like why though? Like why are we still doing that?
SARAH: It looks like they maybe went like five years without making any between 2014 and 2019. I'm not sure.
KAYLA: Like why are we doing it?
SARAH: I don't know. But I just like accidentally hovered over a name and I got jumpscared by this guy's face.
KAYLA: Oh, good. So you'll give me 50 $2 bills?
SARAH: No, you give me 50 $2 bills.
KAYLA: That's right. And what will you give me?
SARAH: You're the shark. And a handstand. And I will give you 49 $2 bills and 10 and a half.3% of the company.
KAYLA: Okay. I like this idea a lot.
SARAH: I already forgot what it was. Which was it?
KAYLA: It was the song one.
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Here's my concern is sometimes on this program, we do episodes where we rewrite love songs to not be love songs.
SARAH: It will be extra silly.
KAYLA: And I'm worried that if this product exists, then those episodes will be obsolete.
SARAH: How much money do you make off those episodes?
KAYLA: Pretty much none.
SARAH: Right.
(laughter)
KAYLA: However, however, I feel as though as time goes on, we have less and less ideas for this podcast. And I need to keep as many fallback ideas as possible.
SARAH: But picture this.
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast, where an aroace girl. I'm Sarah. That's me. And a bi-demisexual girl. That's me, Kayla talk about all things to do with Teletubby, relationships, sexuality.
KAYLA: Sorry, so relationships doesn't get changed?
SARAH: I didn't prepare more than three substitutions.
KAYLA: You didn't prepare. Okay.
SARAH: Talk about Teletubby, honking, and...
KAYLA: That's a little too close for me.
SARAH: ...tripped wires. Pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: Yeah. I'm gonna have to pass on this one because I feel like it's too close to a business I already own.
SARAH: Okay, fuck you. Sharks, hi.
KAYLA: Yeah, hi.
SARAH: My name is Moroccan Mark. I'm not from Morocco. This is cultural appropriation.
KAYLA: But are you rockin' with Mark?
SARAH: Yeah, because Mark is rockin' with us.
KAYLA: Yeah, exactly.
SARAH: Just kidding. Moroccan Mark is my drag name. My real name is...
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Carla.
KAYLA: Your drag name is Moroccan Mark? That can't be, except that isn't appropriate, surely.
SARAH: Well, but the problem is that the whole thing is that Moroccan Mark is problematic. That's Moroccan Mark's thing.
KAYLA: Okay, here's my thing with that.
SARAH: (laughing) I’m not selling you Moroccan Mark
KAYLA: That’s good because I don’t want him.
SARAH:(laughing) Honestly I don’t either I’m Carla
KAYLA: I feel like a lot of people have gotten in trouble lately for doing characters that are problematic. And then it turns out that that person was in fact problematic.
SARAH: I'm canceling Moroccan Mark live on this podcast.
KAYLA: Okay, thank God.
SARAH: Fuck that dude. I'm Carla.
KAYLA: You're Carla. Okay, you're done with drag or you're changing your persona?
SARAH: I'm gonna come up with a new persona. It might take some time.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Are you an aromantic Libra
KAYLA: No
SARAH: who often doesn't feel represented by your star sign?
KAYLA: No but continue.
SARAH: Are you some other star sign? Is there one who likes sex? Are you that one and a sex repulsed asexual?
KAYLA: That's a Libra.
SARAH: Are you a Libra and a sex repost asexual? Well, don't worry. You can get a new star sign today. They're all just like regular star signs, except they're a little bit like someone was on acid when they wrote them. Is this a ripoff of the Instagram page @horror.scoops? You can’t prove it.
KAYLA: It feels that way.
SARAH: You can't prove it.
KAYLA: Okay. Great Instagram, by the way. Excellent stuff.
SARAH: Kayla, would you like to know your alt horoscope? Of course you would.
KAYLA: Obviously
SARAH: I have decided you are a Canner because I said so.
(25:00)
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Today’s canner.
KAYLA: That’s not even close to my real one.
SARAH: Are you a Torbus?
KAYLA: I am a Torbus.
SARAH: But today I've decided you're a canner. This is the alt horoscope. It can be whatever I say.
KAYLA: Sure, sure, sure.
SARAH: Me, Carla.
KAYLA: Yeah, sorry, Carla.
SARAH: Today Canner, you are the universe. The universe is like a soup, cream of hallucinogenic mushroom. And you, dear listener, you are a Lob. And today you're a pistachio in a big bag of more pistachios. Grow arms and climb out. It's hot in here. It's unclear whether Lob is a Leo or Libra ripoff, but that's okay. We all have identity crises sometimes. I'll pay you 10 bucks to take this one.
KAYLA: I like this. Did you write that?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: (laughing) That was great. I love this one. It is fully a ripoff of someone else's idea, but you know what? Aren't the best businesses just ripoffs?
SARAH: I think maybe @horror.scoops should hire me.
KAYLA: I mean, I thought that that definitely gave horror scoops vibes.
SARAH: You are a pistachio in a big bag of more pistachios.
KAYLA: Grow legs.
SARAH: No, grow arms. No legs.
KAYLA: Sorry.
SARAH: Just arms.
KAYLA: Sorry. Now I want to relook at my horror scoops for this week.
SARAH: I looked at mine this week and it didn't speak to me. It never does because I'm a Libra.
KAYLA: I look at them every single week. I check in every Monday. My horror scoop this week was, this week will be more splendid than Aunt Brenda's solid gold spatula, which trust me is heavy on the splendor.
SARAH: Wow.
KAYLA: Now I got to look at yours, Lebra. Get your face out of your phone. The world will be extra crispy, crunchy, bright and beautiful this week. Soak that glorious goop in. Why are you doing that? Oh, you're soaking your face in your phone.
SARAH: (laughing) Putting my face in my phone
KAYLA: Funny. Yeah, this was, I think we could workshop the, the sign names a little bit to be a little more like aspec specific.
SARAH: Like what? Grey pumpkin. That's Gemini.
KAYLA: Grey Poupon. Yeah.
SARAH: Okay. Sure. Great.
KAYLA: Well that, that one's good.
SARAH: I can't believe I paid you for that. Okay.
KAYLA: Yeah. I just made 10 bucks. Sick.
SARAH: Here's one for the people who date. Okay. Do you have bad taste in the people you date? Do they all taste a little bit like they've been sitting in a raccoon's mouth for several days? Like really warm.
KAYLA: Several days?
SARAH: Several days. Just keep them in there.
KAYLA: That's not just slightly a bad taste. That's really nasty.
SARAH: Anyway, then I have the product for you. It's called the Big Brain Pill. And when you take it, it just like, it makes you listen to your friends. Like that's literally it. Like that dude in the walking red flag and your homies have all been telling you that all along. Please give me my $10 back.
KAYLA: This one I will give you a billion dollars for because the amount of-
SARAH: Oh my God. I just made 999 million 999 thousand 990 dollars
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I can do math.
KAYLA: Because I have so many friends over the years and in the present time that come to me asking for advice. And then I give it to them. And then they don't listen to me. And then they come back shocked that their life is still bad.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So if I had a pill that I could use to drug my friends into listening to me no matter what.
SARAH: (laughing) Biological warfare.
KAYLA: If I could, that sounds great to me.
SARAH: I knew this one would speak to you.
KAYLA: Yeah, this one is really good because I love being right and I love when people listen to me.
SARAH: And I loved fucking leaving the raccoon's mouth. Like I don't want to be there.
KAYLA: No. My therapist told me that I should consider being a therapist. And one of the reasons she said was that then people would have to listen to my advice. (laughing) And that maybe that would be more satisfying for me if people had to listen to me.
SARAH: Kayla, become my therapist. There's no conflict of interest there, right?
KAYLA: Yeah, no conflict of interest. Definitely I think I could fix you for sure.
SARAH: Perfect.
KAYLA: Great
SARAH: Sharks, are you sick of Valentine's Day?
KAYLA: I would like it to be known that I'm down like a billion dollars. So it's going to get tough for me. I don't have a lot of money left.
(laughter)
SARAH: That's on you, shark.
KAYLA: I kind of put it all into one thing. Yeah you know what? You’re right
SARAH: That's on you, Dr. Shark, PhD flat earther.
KAYLA: You're right. Alright, continue.
SARAH: Are you sick of Valentine's Day?
(30:00)
KAYLA: Sometimes.
SARAH: Then invest in the did you know St. Valentine is also the patron saint of epilepsy? Machine.
KAYLA: Machine, okay.
SARAH: It turns all of Valentine's Day into beans. I would like three dollars and 14 euro cents. The dollars are US dollars. But I want the cents in euros.
KAYLA: Why beans?
SARAH: Beans.
KAYLA: And so if someone is like celebrating Valentine's Day then they get turned into beans?
SARAH: It turns Valentine's Day into beans. I don't know how to be clearer.
KAYLA: This feels like it could cause a murder.
SARAH: It just turns Valentine's Day into beans. I don't know how to be more straightforward. Valentine's Day becomes beans.
KAYLA: The day? The day itself? So when I'm looking at the calendar, it won't be February 14th anymore. There'll just be like a picture of a bean.
SARAH: No, just like all Valentine's Day becomes beans. Paraphernalia.
KAYLA: I'm still not getting it. Okay.
SARAH: Valentine's. The day. Those who celebrate it. Beans.
KAYLA: So the people will be turned into beans?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: You just said – no. Hold on now. You just said people celebrate it.
SARAH: I didn't say they'd be turned into beans.
KAYLA: You implied it heavily
SARAH: I said they'd beans.
KAYLA: I'm gonna pass on this one because I don't want to get involved in mass murder via bean machine.
SARAH: (laughing) But you were fine with biological warfare?
KAYLA: Yeah, they're still alive.
SARAH: Alright. Do you struggle –
KAYLA: That's slightly less of a crime.
SARAH: I'm going to the next one.
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: Stop talking.
KAYLA: Do you want my money or not?
SARAH: You already gave me $999,999,990.
KAYLA: Yeah, but think how much more I could give you.
SARAH: You just said you don't have any money left.
KAYLA: You don't know my finances. Shut up.
SARAH: I'm in your bank account right now.
KAYLA: No. Why are we here then? Just take it and leave.
SARAH: I made myself very small. I am in your bank account. I am eating hot chip in your bank account.
KAYLA: Like the virtual version? Because I don't think there's a vault somewhere with all of my paper money.
SARAH: I'm in the wires.
KAYLA: Okay, you're in the wires.
SARAH: Dr. Shark, PhD flat earther. Do you struggle to eat enough protein in your diet while also sourcing your foods ethically? Did you already burn through –
KAYLA: How is this aspec? Are we just doing shark tank that?
SARAH: We're going to get there. Please be patient, shark. I know you're chomping at the bit.
KAYLA: Yeah, I'm a shark.
SARAH: Dr. Shark. I'm going to start that over, your honor. Do you struggle to get enough protein in your diet while also sourcing your foods ethically? Did you already burn through all of your St. Valentine's legumes?
KAYLA: No, because I didn't invest in that company.
SARAH: I mean, that's the equivalent of having burned through them. You don't have your beans.
KAYLA: No I don’t have beans
SARAH: Then try our new product. Eat an allo.
KAYLA: There it is. Okay, so more murder. Interesting.
SARAH: Eat an allo. Don't worry. They deserve it. We're not just picking allos willy-nilly. We're only picking allos
KAYLA: That deserve it
SARAH: that deserve it. I'm not going to feed you your mom
KAYLA: Is this just… the death penalty?
SARAH: This is about getting protein in your system. It's so hard to get protein these days.
KAYLA: It's not.
SARAH: For me personally.
KAYLA: Well, yes, Sarah.
SARAH: Maybe I should eat more allos.
KAYLA: I just feel as though you made the death penalty into a business.
SARAH: You were fine with biological warfare.
KAYLA: Yes, because no one was died. These are not equivalent things! Biohacking someone is different than bartering them and cannibalizing them.
SARAH: Alright, let's pivot. Have you ever wanted to play spin the bottle, except instead of kissing the person it lands on, you fill the room with all of your greatest enemies and you roundhouse kick whoever it lands on? Me neither. I am too non-confrontational to really have enemies, but if it's something you're interested in –
KAYLA: That's not true. You definitely have enemies.
SARAH: Who?
KAYLA: I can think of at least one enemy.
SARAH: Who?
KAYLA: Voldemort.
SARAH: But I don't think that that's a mutual enemy thing.
(35:00)
SARAH: Like for me, an enemy ship, like for it to be true enemy, like that's just like someone I don't like.
KAYLA: Oh, I see. I understand.
SARAH: I'm not going to bleep that because it's funny for the audience that we call this person Voldemort.
KAYLA: Sounds good.
SARAH: Also, sorry for making the bleeps too loud last week. I didn't mean it.
KAYLA: We’ll do better. By we I mean Sarah, I have nothing to fucking do with it. It's not my fault. I guess it does have to be a mutual thing to be enemies, huh?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Alright.
SARAH: Anyway, so I've never wanted that, but if it is something you're interested in, I'm sure we could put something together. I would like one bottle.
KAYLA: I'm so sorry. You're pitching me a business that you have no interest in, but if other people want it, I'm sure we could put it together?
SARAH: We got to do what the people want. We got to do what the people want.
KAYLA: Sorry. You just pitched me an- I guess if people want it, I could throw something to it. That's your business, is that you guess you'll throw something together.
SARAH: Literally, that happens all the time at work. We heard from a network that they wanted something, and we were like, guess we got to find it.
KAYLA: Yeah, that happens at my work every day. Listen, at first, this appealed to me because I feel that I have many enemies, but now that I realize it has to be mutual, I don't know how many enemies I actually have because I've never asked the people that I hate if they also hate me. If it could just be people I hate?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: that could be interesting.
SARAH: That could be an offshoot game.
KAYLA: Okay. Like a rage room, but they just get all the people you hate in the room, and you rage?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I could be into that.
SARAH: I have a problem, which is that I'm drinking my cherry coke too fast. It is not going to last all the way through dinner.
KAYLA: Stop it.
SARAH: I can't.
KAYLA: Stop it.
SARAH: I'm busy.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: So are you investing? Are you giving me a bottle?
KAYLA: How much do I get?
SARAH: You get to roundhouse kick all of your enemies/people you hate.
KAYLA: Okay, I'll take it.
SARAH: Cool. Have you ever seen a couple canoodling in public and wanted to ram your head into a metal pole?
KAYLA: I don't know about the ram my head, but annoyed. Annoyed.
SARAH: Introducing the portable metal pole. It does what it says on the tin. Manufacturer is not liable for any concussive results.
KAYLA: Here's my thing. I feel like we could go back to bonk. And what if we just instead of me having to hurt –
SARAH: This is for self-bonk.
KAYLA: Yeah, but why would I want to self-bonk?
SARAH: This is self-stick.
KAYLA: Why would I want to do that when I could just bonk someone else?
SARAH: Because you're seeing a couple canoodling in public.
KAYLA: Yeah, but instead of hurting myself about it, I could hurt someone else.
SARAH: We can sell them as a package, okay? In one hand, in your one hand, you can hold the bonk.
KAYLA: Again! And what if I don't have two hands?
SARAH: We're getting there. In your first hand, you can hold the bonk. In your second hand, you can hold the stick. In your third hand, you can hold the portable metal pole.
KAYLA: No, I said no to the stick. I don't want the stick. No, I don't want stick. I said no to stick.
SARAH: Okay, fine. So in your second hand, you can hold the portable metal pole. If you don't have two hands –
KAYLA: How heavy is this?
SARAH: It's like hollow.
KAYLA: That's not a pole then, is it?
SARAH: It's portable. It's collapsible.
KAYLA: Oh. Well, that changes everything.
SARAH: That's what makes it portable!
KAYLA: No, I don't want this. I don't want to hit myself in the head. I'd rather hit someone else in the head.
SARAH: (laughing) You know, I didn't think that was going to sell really well. That's why I had to add the disclaimer.
KAYLA: Yeah, that really almost got me over the edge.
SARAH: Okay, okay. This is number 10. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Can't wait.
SARAH: Have you ever been in a social situation and wanted to become invisible? Yeah, Kayla's nodding. Nope, this shark is nodding.
KAYLA: Who the fuck is Kayla?
SARAH: Hi, sharks. I'm Kayla.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: Have you ever been in a social situation and wanted to become invisible? The sharks are nodding. Introducing the Aro Pride Pin. Just pin this handy dandy little gadget onto your clothing and whoosh, you immediately become invisible, even to others in the aspec community, only other Aro Pride Pin wearers will be able to see you.
KAYLA: This is funny.
SARAH: It only costs 100 yen.
KAYLA: To buy?
SARAH: Yeah, it's really cheap.
KAYLA: That's kind of expensive.
SARAH: Yen?
KAYLA: I don't know the conversion.
(laughter)
SARAH: Let me give you a conversion here.
KAYLA: Do I have to give you the money in yen, though?
(40:00)
SARAH: 100 yen is 68 cents.
KAYLA: Oh, nice. But can I give you 68 cents or do I have to give you 100 yen?
SARAH: I will accept Korean Won.
KAYLA: I don't have that.
SARAH: And Mexican Pesos.
KAYLA: I also don't have that.
SARAH: We can work something out.
KAYLA: Oh, again, we can put something together.
SARAH: Maybe you can wash some dishes for me.
KAYLA: Oh, trade and barter
SARAH: I love it.
KAYLA: Yeah, let's get back to it. I mean, I love this idea. I'm a little worried that people aren't going to be able to purchase it because what if you run out of dishes for people to do?
SARAH: There are aros in Japan, too.
KAYLA: I suppose. But Sarah, I've just come across a huge problem in every single one of these business plans.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Aspecs can't owe money. So how are they going to buy any of this?
SARAH: Aspec money.
KAYLA: Now, what is that?
SARAH: It's money for aspecs.
KAYLA: Okay, if we're introducing that into the economy, then that changes everything about the aspecs can't owe money.
SARAH: You're right. Everything is free. There's no profit to be made.
KAYLA: Okay, well, I'm starting to question myself investing then.
SARAH: You already gave me your $999,999,990. It's too late, baby.
KAYLA: Yeah, but I can't owe you money either.
SARAH: That was a gift.
KAYLA: I don't think it was.
SARAH: It was an exchange for goods and services. It wasn't owed. It was given freely in exchange for goods and services.
KAYLA: Okay, so then I guess people could buy things.
SARAH: Yeah, you can buy things. You just can't owe money.
KAYLA: Okay, so you can't be in debt ever.
SARAH: Correct.
KAYLA: That’s nice
SARAH: But you can buy a 100 yen pin. We solved it.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: We solved it.
KAYLA: Perfect. Perfect. Yeah, I like this one. This one's good.
SARAH: Cool. Do you want one?
KAYLA: I don't think I'm allowed to.
SARAH: You can’t have it. I'm gatekeeping it.
KAYLA: Okay, good business plan.
SARAH: Finally, I have.
SARAH: Sharks, do you want cake on demand?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: You're supposed to say yes.
KAYLA: Yeah, uh-huh.
SARAH: Well, tough shit, butternuts, because one of Newton's laws or something says that energy cannot be created or destroyed, so I can't just make that materialize you dipfuck don't think about bonk, which does materialize.
(laughter)
KAYLA: I was just gonna ask, because I feel like some of your other products, things do just
materialize.
SARAH: Also, I Googled it last night. That is not one of Newton's laws. It's the law of conservation of energy.
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: Anyway, if you want cake, we're going to have to go to the store to get the ingredients. Oh, did you ever clean that spill out of the oven, or is it still smoke heavily when you turn it on?
KAYLA: Are you talking to me?
SARAH: I'm asking for 20 Australian dollars.
KAYLA: I – What are you selling?
SARAH: Do you want cake?
KAYLA: No. Wait. What's the product?
SARAH: I'm selling.
KAYLA: You never said!
SARAH: I'm selling. I'm selling we go to the store together.
KAYLA: Together?
SARAH: To get cake ingredients, and then on the way back, I question you about the efficacy of your oven.
KAYLA: No. Huh?
SARAH: That's the product for 20 Australian dollars.
KAYLA: Does the cake ever get made?
SARAH: You have to buy the sequel.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: My sequel is big cake.
KAYLA: Yeah. I personally wouldn't buy this, because I don't want to go to the store with you and have you question the efficacy of my oven.
SARAH: Well, I guess I shouldn't have said efficacy.
KAYLA: I don't like you.
SARAH: The oven still works. It's a question of whether it sets off the smoke alarm, you know?
KAYLA: Okay. But I mean, maybe some people would want to go to the store with you.
SARAH: I'm not sure why I volunteered myself for that.
KAYLA: My concern is it's going to be a pretty limited product, because you only have so much time in your day.
SARAH: Yeah. and that’s way less than minimum wage
KAYLA: What if someone in China buys this, then you have to get there? You're only going to make 20 Australian dollars for an entire going to the store and making a cake.
SARAH: No, I guess it's not making a cake. It's just going to the store and questioning the oven. KAYLA: It's just going to the store.
SARAH: Even then, I don't really think that's minimum wage. What's the conversion?
KAYLA: I'm going to say no to this one. I think this is a bad business model.
SARAH: Yeah, that's $12.74 an hour. Say it takes an hour. That’s not – no.
KAYLA: I don't think this is a good one.
SARAH: Okay. Well, it was the last one I had.
KAYLA: Great.
(45:00)
SARAH: So, Sharks, what was your favorite?
KAYLA: I'll be honest. I already forget most of them.
SARAH: Would you like me to remind you?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I will anyway.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: First, we have the bonk. Then we have stick. Then we have DFAMMA. Then we have horoscopes ripoff. Horror scoops ripoff, I'm so sorry. Then we have big brain pill. Then we have beans. Then we have eating cannibalism. Then we have spin the bottle kick, kick, kick. Then we have the portable metal pole. Then we have the aro pride pin. And finally, we have cake ingredient.
KAYLA: Trip?
SARAH: I'm trying to think of what it's called when you go and get something, but all I can think of was contribution and then retribution.
KAYLA: Shopping?
SARAH: It was a fancier word. More in the vein of retribution.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know what word you're thinking of.
SARAH: I don't either. That's the problem.
SARAH: Hey, this is Sarah from the Future. It was just collection, I think. I don't know. I don't know what past me is doing. She’s… I can't speak for her actions. Actually, that shows a real lack of accountability. So I do speak for her actions, and I'm sorry for that.
KAYLA: My favorite was big brain pill. I love biological warfare.
SARAH: Okay. What was your least favorite?
KAYLA: I mean, that last one was pretty tough.
SARAH: You think that was worse than cannibalism?
KAYLA: I mean, the cannibalism one, at least there was a business model that I think could be followed, you know?
SARAH: Hm. I don't know what that means.
KAYLA: Okay. That's why you're not the shark.
SARAH: Well, thank you so much, sharks, for your time.
KAYLA: You're so welcome. I can't wait to be broke now.
SARAH: I'm in your bank account still. I can't get out. I'm stuck. I should grow arms. It's hot in here.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's getting hot in here. Yes.
SARAH: (laughing) If I grew more arms, I could hold bonk, and stick, and portable metal pole.
KAYLA: Yeah, but they're still bad products.
SARAH: Speak for yourself.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: And she will.
KAYLA: And I have.
SARAH: Our poll for this week.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: What item would you like to purchase?
KAYLA: Which – pick four for me?
SARAH: I can’t.
KAYLA: Yes you can.
SARAH: Bonk. DFAMMA. Big brain pill is so boring. Beans. Aro pride Pin.
KAYLA: Okay. I can't wait to see the answers on this one.
SARAH: Okay. Kayla, what's your beef in your juice this shark week?
KAYLA: This shark week.
SARAH: I'm sorry. Sharks.
KAYLA: Shit, thank you.
SARAH: Sharks, have you ever had beef? It's kind of hard to get down there.
KAYLA: I'm sure at least one shark has had beef before.
SARAH: I'm sure, yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. My beef is that it's really hot.
SARAH: Literally can't relate.
KAYLA: It got cool for like two days and now it's really hot and I'm sad.
SARAH: It's been cool here. Well, like cool in like the California, Southern California way. So it's like in the 70s.
KAYLA: I would love to be in the 70s.
SARAH: Right now it's a clean 70 degree.
KAYLA: I'm sweating currently.
SARAH: Although it is 8:41 PM. But I'm in the valley.
KAYLA: I can't wait to put my air back on. That's my beef. My juice is that I had a nice long weekend.
SARAH: Well
KAYLA: that's all.
SARAH: My beef is I wrote a whole thing and I'm not going to say it. I already deleted it so like I literally can't say it. My beef is that I drank too much of my drink. I didn't space out. I think it was maybe half. My juice is I got new pants in the mail when I wore them today and they were good.
KAYLA: Ooh
SARAH: You can tell us why your beef, your juice, your favorite shark tank. You know, is it, is it unethical to keep sharks in tanks?
KAYLA: Huh?
SARAH: How big are the tanks?
KAYLA: I think they're like it's supposed to be like they're in the shark tank.
SARAH: So the sharks are there of their own volition?
KAYLA: Mhm
SARAH: Because they're investing. Where do the sharks get the money? What currency do they use? Shells?
KAYLA: Could be teeth.
SARAH: If you want to tell us about your local shark teeth or your non-local shark teeth, you might not live near the ocean. You can do so on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon in case you want to give your money to these, to this shark and also me, Caterpillar Steve.
KAYLA: Huh?
SARAH: That's my name.
KAYLA: Is that your new drag name?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: I like it a lot.
SARAH: I've been sitting on it.
KAYLA: It’s really good.
(50:00)
SARAH: Eventually, I'm going to turn into Butterfly Steven.
KAYLA: I love that.
SARAH: Thank you.
KAYLA: I can't wait. That would actually kind of be slay. Instead of doing like an outfit reveal or like a wig reveal as a drag queen, you just do a full metamorphosis.
SARAH: Yeah. I was at the gym yesterday and they had celebrity family feud on the TV and there were drag queens and one of the queens took a banana out of her hair.
KAYLA: Oh, good.
SARAH: Just opened it up. Took it out.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: Took a bite. Gave a bite to David Burke.
KAYLA: I don't know who that is.
SARAH: Neil Patrick Harris' husband.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: Offered a bite to Steve Harvey. He declined.
KAYLA: Oh, Steve.
SARAH: Transphobic, homophobic. Unbelievable
KAYLA: I hate that guy.
SARAH: Anyway.
KAYLA: That's not – kidding. I like him. He’s funny.
SARAH: I hate anyone with a mustache like that.
KAYLA: They're funny.
SARAH: It's giving Dr. Phil.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I don't like Dr. Phil and I know someone who used to work for Dr. Phil and it was just...
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I'm only one Kevin Bacon from Dr. Phil though.
KAYLA: Thank God. Which means I'm two.
SARAH: Oh, my goodness. You can tell them this about your beef, your juice, your Kevin Bacon sharks on our social media. No, I already said that. Well, you can, but I already said that. What? Patreon, if you want to give us your money for these incredible products, you can do so at patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We don't have any new patrons this week, probably because we only had bad products. Our $5 patrons who we're putting this week are Jolly Lizbert, Kathryn Bailey, Kelly, Leila (of Paper), and Lily. All of you, it's first come first serve as to who gets which product.
KAYLA: Hm. Act fast. They're all so good.
SARAH: Act fast. Call 1-800-cannibalism, cannibalism or beans.
KAYLA: (laughing) Okay.
SARAH: Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Allyson, who would like to promote Arden Grey by Ray Stoeve, Arcnes, who would like to promote Trevor Project, Ben MacLeod, who would like to promote not committing cannibalism. This is just funny jokes. Benjamin Abara, who would like to promote tabletop games, and Boston Smith, who would like to promote their YouTube and TikTok @yerBuddyBoston. Our other $10 patrons are David Harris, Derick and Carissa, Elle Bitter, my Aunt Jeannie, Martin Chiesl, Purple Hayes, Barefoot Backpacker, Ruby, SongOfStorm. Our $15 patrons are Andrew Hillum, The Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline, Ace of Hearts, Dia Chappell Twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Hector Murillo, who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person that you don't eat. Maff, who would like to promote catching up on the podcast after two years, Nathaniel White, who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla’s Aunt Nina, who would like to promote KateMaggartArt.com, and our $20 patron is Dragonfly, who would like to promote actually, I wasn't fucking kidding about the cannibalism thing, eat an allo if they deserve it.
KAYLA: You're going to get us in trouble.
SARAH: I just gave Kayla, I'm sorry, I just gave the sharks a really charming smile.
KAYLA: It was not charming, it was a little psychotic.
SARAH: I was thinking manic.
KAYLA: Hmm, something.
SARAH: Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more sharks in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your sharks.
SARAH: Don't feed your cows to the sharks.
KAYLA: Don't, that's mean.
SARAH: That’s mean. Cannibalism is fine, but we draw the line at feeding cows to sharks.
KAYLA: Okay. Yeah.
SARAH: (laughing) Caterpillar Steve.
(53:39)