Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 118: The Demisexual Experience
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Hey what's up hello! This week we talk all about demisexuality. What is it? What does it feel like to be demisexual?
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/the-demisexual-experience
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[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey what's up, hello! welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl I'm Sarah that's me
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me Kayla
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand
KAYLA: On today's episode, demisexuality
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod
KAYLA: M’acaroni.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: That's bold.
KAYLA: Is it?
SARAH: Um. No, I kind of want some now.
KAYLA: Me too. I'm hungry. Good
SARAH: Uh, I hope everyone enjoyed our episode last week with Yasmin.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: People seem to have liked it.
KAYLA: I had a good time
SARAH: A good time.
KAYLA: Welcome to anyone…
SARAH: Editing it was not a good time
KAYLA: No, no. Someone did Tweet asking how hard it was and I answered it for you and said based on the texts I got it was the worst
SARAH: It was the worst, but we did it, but it's worth it.
KAYLA: Here we are.
SARAH: Absolutely. Um, Kayla, what are we talking about today?
KAYLA: This week. It's all me, baby
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Uh, so you should probably just leave the call and I’ll do this one
SARAH: Bye.
KAYLA: Just kidding, please don't, um this week we're talking about demisexuality
SARAH: That's true.
KAYLA: Yeah. So, it's not going to be… Because I’m… I had to do all the planning for this one, obviously.
SARAH: What a turn of events?
KAYLA: I know it's a lot different from what we usually do. It's obviously… it's well may not obviously whatever it's not going to be as in depth as our like what is asexuality episode because…
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: I feel like… I mean it wouldn't make sense for it to be because a lot… it would be a lot of the same stuff
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: So, it's not going to be as in depth. It's also going to be more I guess drawing from my personal experiences because I feel like some and I like some of the stuff like as I go through the journey of me realizing I was demi and then coming out or whatever I think it brings up some interesting points. So…
SARAH: Mm-hmm and this topic has been requested a couple of times and we've been like well we have talked about it a little bit but we've never dedicated a full episode to it.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: So, we were like, now is the time, that was me slamming my fist on my desk. Just so you know
KAYLA: Yeah, it's definitely… I don't know, it's kind of weird because like if you've been listening to the podcast from the beginning or you went back and listened I think you would have heard a lot of the stuff that I’m going to talk about just through different episodes and now I’m just putting it all in one, I guess
SARAH: It's all in one place for y'all.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I yawned while I was saying that so I think I might have said a very strange, sorry
KAYLA: I couldn't tell but it was…
SARAH: Mm, that's exciting.
KAYLA: Yeah um, so yeah, I guess if you think you might be demi or you like want to explain to someone what being demi is like um I guess you could have them listen to this. I just really… I really don't think it's going to be as good as the “What is asexuality” episode but…
SARAH: Don't set yourself up for failure, Kayla
KAYLA: It's just… it's a different… It's… that one was like the most official episode we've ever done and this is not going to be that
SARAH: That's okay. I mean you're still just explaining your experience.
KAYLA: True.
SARAH: We're here to educate humans
KAYLA: Here we are. Uh, and my cat is being obnoxious as usual. So, sorry
SARAH: Cool
KAYLA: All right. Sarah, do you know what demisexuality is?
SARAH: I do, but some of our listeners might not
KAYLA: Okay. Is this whole episode going to be just me talking?
SARAH: Yeah, that's what happens a lot of the time just with me talking and then you're just being like, uh oh well
KAYLA: That's not true.
SARAH: I'm going to say some stuff now. No, that's true. You do you do respond. It might just be you talking I'll just be the commentary.
KAYLA: Okay, so demisexuality is when you are not sexually attracted to someone until you feel romantically attracted or attached to them, so understanding demisexuality without understanding asexuality is kind of hard I think because understanding demisexuality comes with kind of the necessity of understanding the split model of attraction
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: So I don't want to go too fully into the split model of attraction because we've covered that a lot in other episodes but I think basically the important part for demisexuality is that you're being sexually attracted to someone and being romantically attracted to someone are two separate feelings or attractions and for many people they may seem like the same because for many people they might be sexually and romantically attracted to the same people or the same gender so it doesn't really like feel different. You might not be able to parse them apart like for Sarah she's both aromantic and asexual, I know you've talked about like they sound like they feel the same to you and you have trouble.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like pulling them apart
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, for… Oh my god, no one asked you. I think my cat is trying to come out
SARAH: Billie has things to say on the top.
KAYLA: She's coming out as demi which is fun.
SARAH: Oh, good for her.
KAYLA: So yeah, demisexuality basically necessitates that… I mean there are both but it necessitates understanding that there are both. So, personally for me, I am heteroromantic and demisexual. So that means I am romantically attracted to men which means basically I'm… it's only possible for me to be sexually attracted to men because I have to be romantically attracted to the person first. It's like a nice transitive property
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Does that make sense?
SARAH: It does, well because if so like if you are demi that is your sexuality like you may be a homoromantic or heteroromantic, but that doesn't make you homosexual if you're demi so it's… it can be a little confusing to people because it's like well like Kayla might be heteroromantic and demisexual, but doesn't that make her heterosexual? But no, it doesn't it's just a whole transitive property situation
KAYLA: Yeah, and it is like I know like at the top of every show I say like I'm a Demi-straight girl which I got… it like obviously kind of confuses that but I mean for me I do consider myself straight because…
SARAH: Because that's your romantic orientation
KAYLA: Because that's my romantic orientation. And so that's going to then be anyone I'm sexually attracted to. But it's important to know that even if I'm saying like if I tell people I'm straight it's important to know that like it is two separate things your romantic and sexual attraction
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: So, before I dive into kind of going through my whole thing piece by piece and then pointing things out that I think are interesting, I would like to do a section on what demisexuality is not
SARAH: Hit me with it
KAYLA: Because we did this section like in the asexuality episode of things not to say or things it is not So I guess this is kind of that in one. So, I think a lot of times… the majority of the times if I tell someone I'm demisexual and they're not like familiar with what it is and I explain it, the thing is just like “oh well, that's just what being a good person is” or that's just what like everyone is supposed to do. Like that's not actually an orientation
SARAH: Booo
KAYLA: Yeah, I hear that…
SARAH: Incorrect.
KAYLA: Yeah, I hear that like basically every time I tell anyone that isn't familiar with it and it's a hard thing to explain to people especially if they aren't already familiar with asexuality because it's… I do think it is very nuanced between like how you feel, how you're attracted and in the actions you choose to take and we talk about with this with asexuality too versus like celibacy is… Even if you are asexual you can choose to have sex but that doesn't mean you know that you're not asexual and being celibate doesn't necessarily mean you're asexual you're just choosing to have that action like even if you are asexual you have the physical capability to choose to do that action, it's like shaking someone's hand
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, I mean for demisexuality it's the same, a lot of people say like oh you're just doing the right thing of like going on so many dates with someone before you sleep with them or like waiting till marriage or whatever whoever is doing, but it's hard to explain to people that there's a difference between someone either morally or just because that's what they're most comfortable with, there's a difference between like I'm going to wait until the third date till I sleep with someone and it's different from me saying like I don't want to sleep with someone I'm not sexually attracted to them until we get to a certain point in our romantic relationship
SARAH: Like I'm not even interested until you get to a certain point rather than some people it's like they may be interested from the start, but they may be like, okay for the sake of this relationship I want to take it slower or you know I like to know a person a little bit better before I actually have sex with them, but this is a situation of like I’m not even interested in having sex with you until you get to a certain point in the relationship
KAYLA: Yeah, which is hard, I wish I could say like here's how you know it's different because I can imagine there's maybe some people listening to this and they're like am I demi, am I not? I mean, it's hard for me to say because I’ve never not been demi, I guess. So, I mean when you say things like oh it's just like I want to know someone better until I have sex with someone. It's like yeah, I feel that way, too, so am I not demi? But like I don't know. It's a very nuanced thing.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: It is and whatever identity or label a person chooses to use is up to them and so you may look at a person be like I think you're demi but if they don't want to use that label then they don't have to
KAYLA: Right, and as we go through my journey, we'll talk about that more, um…
SARAH: Lit
KAYLA: So, let's start because I think it just makes more sense to me to talk about these things in my experience and then kind of relate it to demisexuality in general
SARAH: Can I say one more thing before you do that?
KAYLA: I suppose
SARAH: Um, I also… when you were saying earlier about how a lot of people react to learning about demisexuality being like well, that's just like what good people do, just like a reminder to all of our listeners that there is no moral connection to having sex.
KAYLA: Well, I would say there's no inherent moral connection.
SARAH: Yes, that is what I was trying to say because I started to say it and then I was like, but some people…
KAYLA: Yeah. Some people… and that's fine, but it's not inherent.
SARAH: Yeah, it’s not inherent and you are not a good or bad person because of when you do or don't have sex with people so I just wanted to remind you all of that
KAYLA: Yeah. There are kind of like two bad things lumped into that statement of saying yeah, I'm a good person for doing that and if I didn't do it, I would be bad. So, it's like insulting two whole sections of people all at once
SARAH: Yep
KAYLA: Which is fun. All right, now let's talk about me, so
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: My first like run-in with demisexuality that I remember was probably at freshman year and a friend who we were in a theater group with mentioned…
SARAH: Of college
KAYLA: College. Yes, freshman year of college, a friend in our theater group mentioned that I think we were talking about sexuality or something I don't know, everyone in that group is very gay, but I think she was talking about being bi and also that she thought she was demi and either because of how she worded it or just how I was interpreting what she was saying especially since I had never really heard of demisexuality that much before I took it to mean only bisexual people could be demi, so…
SARAH: Interesting
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know why that was in my head of like… Like I mean I was like, okay so whoever you're romantically attracted to then you would be sexually attracted to them but like… but the romantic orientation is very fluid. I don't know what I was thinking, so…
SARAH: I don't either
KAYLA: I guess just a note for that one if anyone also thought that for some stupid reason, it's not. I don't know why I thought that, but…
SARAH: You were doing your best.
KAYLA: I was doing my best. I was a child. What am I to say?
SARAH: You were 18 years old, which is basically three.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean if you really think about it
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Okay, so the next point of interest, so we started the podcast and I think just like as we were talking about the podcast as we started doing it, I came to know more about demisexuality just because it's obviously under the umbrella of what we were talking about and very early on I think it was even in episode one when we were listening back which surprised me I didn't realize it was that soon
SARAH: It was either one or two.
KAYLA: Yeah, I remember us listening back to it, we were like reacting to it for an episode and I was like, oh my God why… how did I already say that like I don't remember it coming out…
SARAH: Must have been one that I guess
KAYLA: I don't know. Yeah
SARAH: Either way, very early
KAYLA: Yeah, and I didn't realize it was that early, but I started thinking like oh I might be Demi just kind of like thinking about things in my life of like how the relationship I was in at the time had gone like how previous relationships or like almost relationships whatever had gone and just like life experiences.
SARAH: A quick question for you?
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: When did you realize that Demi was not just a bi thing?
KAYLA: I don't know…
SARAH: Like when did you clear that up?
KAYLA: I…
SARAH: Is it somewhere along the line?
KAYLA: I guess or I think maybe like I had even forgotten that that situation had happened and then you like retaught me what it was and then it was only until later that I like connected the dots of like oh that person also mentioned demisexuality and I thought this for some reason
SARAH: Okay. All right, I’m just curious
KAYLA: Because I think I must have thought that you put it out of my mind because I was like well that doesn't like affect me. I'm not bi, so I'm not going to like spend a lot of time thinking about it for myself
SARAH: Yeah, it was like that one time when I was like 15 or 16 where I was like, maybe I'm Demi and then I was like no
KAYLA: Goodbye. Yeah, I'm guessing that like you or through the process like putting the podcast together that like I was reeducated about what it was.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: But basically, I started to like kind of think on my life and I was like, yeah, I've never like really had an urge to have sex with anyone like ever like. Well, I guess I don’t know, anyway or like I don't know I think we've talked about like in before in episodes like signs of when we thought we were ace or demi and thinking about it like I never really had celebrity crushes and like even as a kid I didn't have that many crushes or anything like that, which does more go towards the romantic side, but…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Was still somewhat telling to me but at the time of when we started the podcast when I started thinking that I was in the middle of a long-term relationship and at the point of where I was in the relationship whether I was demi or not was… for all intents and purposes for that relationship a moot point
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I had already had sex is what I'm saying to you.
SARAH: Yes, and you had been in that relationship for a while, so.
KAYLA: Yeah, the sexual attraction had already been there for however long, I don't remember how long I had been dating that person but like it didn't… I don’t want to say it didn’t matter anymore, and I guess this brings up another interesting point of something that I do think about continually is for me that if I'm actively dating or like you know not like dating monogamously whatever or I'm like in the process of trying to like find someone to date or whatever that my sexuality feels a lot more relevant and it feels like more of my identity but that… once I start dating someone I get past the hump of like becoming sexually attracted to them, that it does kind of almost lose relevancy
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Which… I don't know is an interesting thing to grapple with I think especially with this podcast of like obviously, it's still part of my identity. We talk about the stuff at… like every week, but it doesn't affect my day-to-day life, which almost makes me feel guilty, I don't know
SARAH: Yeah, I mean I know a person who also identifies as I believe… heterosexual… no had demi… whoa fuck what? heteroromantic demisexual and they've been in the same committed relationship for years like since high school like this person is like around my age and so sometimes, I will just forget that this person is demi until it kind of comes up in whatever context it might come up in and then I'm like, oh, yeah, this person figured out I'm pretty sure what happened. I don't want to speak for this person I don't know for sure but like I'm pretty sure they kind of figured out they were demi after they started dating this person which is actually really interesting to be able to look at it in hindsight and be able to like figure that out just because as you say like it kind of at least for you feels less relevant once you're already, you know with someone because you're already at that point.
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean I think it's maybe and obviously I'm not bi so I wouldn't know but like I know like people that are stupid often will be like, oh well if you're a bi woman and you're dating a man then you're like basically straight or…
SARAH: Untrue
KAYLA: Right, exactly, but I can see how it's maybe a similar situation of like, okay that part of your sexuality is like kind of drifts away or like isn't as relevant so yeah, I don't know that's something I think I struggle with especially and we'll getting get into this more later of just like feeling like I'm part of a community is like… it's not something I think about often or as often like I thought about it a lot more when I was like actively trying to find someone to date or whatever. It's something that came up a lot more and impacted me a lot more than it does now
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And I think… It's not necessarily the same as my situation because obviously we have very different identities, but I think it is kind of similar to me in the fact that like my aro identity has more impact on my life than my ace identity just because that's the way it is, I don't date and I don't have sex but I'm not the kind of person who would like to go out and have sex if I wasn't dating someone probably anyway, so like they both apply to me at all times, but the aro one feels more prevalent I guess in my life and it would make sense that if you're in a relationship with someone the deminess might feel less prevalent once you're past the point of being interested in sexing them as they say
KAYLA: They do say that, so yeah, I think this is a continuous theme that comes up through what I'll be talking about of just feeling like I'm not as demi as other people which is nothing, but is how it feels if that makes sense. Just that like I'm affected by my sexuality less than others so…
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Put a pin in that, we will come back to her
[00:20:00]
SARAH: Pin is in that
KAYLA: So, I then broke up with that person. You may remember it from episode nine or something where I was very sad
SARAH: Seven or Nine?
KAYLA: Early, it was one of those early ones, you may remember, if you've listened to them all. After that I started like casually dating flirtationship I don't know with a person
SARAH: Flirtationship
KAYLA: Yes. So that happened for… I don't know, a couple of months whatever.
SARAH: It was a couple of months
KAYLA: Yeah, and I remembered… I remember I like tried, so I was really also struggling with my identity at that point because I wasn't in a long-term relationship so my sexuality felt a lot more relevant, but I still didn't want to identify, I still wasn't like comfortable with that label because I was still grappling with like well am I actually demi like am I just more comfortable doing this, is it my like anxiety that's coming into it? So, I was kind of really struggling with that. I remember trying to like DTR with this person and they were like I don't want a committed relationship, I just want to like be doing casually what we've been doing just like hanging out whatever and I was like, yeah, that's fine I'm so chill. I'm a very chill person and then like a week later I was like I am the least chill person on earth, I am very upset. I’m sorry
SARAH: DTRing for those of us who haven't been around a super long time is defining the relationship
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: We used to use that term a lot, but we haven't recently.
KAYLA: Yeah, so, I guess I did successfully DTR. It just wasn't the answer I wanted. So that was upsetting but like in the end did push me to realize that that was my sexuality that I was Demi which was still difficult. Yes?
SARAH: I was going to say I remember that happening and you were like, I'm totally fine with that, I'm chill and I was like she is not fine with that
KAYLA: She is not chill
SARAH: And then like a week later you were like I am not fine with it
KAYLA: See here's the theme that comes up because you also said before that you like thought I was Demi before I did
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Why don't you just tell me how I'm feeling? and then I won't have to wait like well… It seems like you know before I do. Think of how simple it would be if you could just tell me?
SARAH: You would not have taken it well necessarily
KAYLA: Probably not
SARAH: I just walk about… like with you… Okay If I were to walk up to you and be like here's a fact about yourself and you hadn't come to that conclusion yet yourself, you would reject it completely
KAYLA: Yeah, but think of…
SARAH: Because of who you are as a person.
KAYLA: Whoa, what's that supposed to mean?
SARAH: No, I'm just saying that like this is true for most people, I think you need to come to the conclusion yourself. Like if someone just tells you something about yourself, you're not going to be like maybe like you're going to be like who are you?
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair. Anyway, I do remember there was one time I was in the car driving. Well, I wasn't driving but my family is driving somewhere, I was texting Sarah and I was like, I don't want to be demi this fucking sucks, like I just want to be able to date like a “normal person” Like I was very upset that I didn't feel able to casually date this person
SARAH: I was also in the car with my family when this happened
KAYLA: Oh cute
SARAH: Just FYI
KAYLA: And I mean it really was a case of like I really wasn't able to do it. Like it was upsetting to me. It was confusing to me. I also backtracking a bit a lot of like I think what was hard for me is identifying as demi is for a long-time mental illness, my anxiety was like very in-wrapped, in-robed whatever in my sexuality so like every time I would be in a situation with this person where I was like we're hanging out alone like what if all of a sudden he's like it's time for sex and then I say no and then it's really weird and like I don't know what this person is expecting from this relationship. Like I'm uncomfortable and I would get so anxious. I would vomit
SARAH: Quote, it's time for sex unquote
KAYLA: Yes. So, it was also really hard because I was like I don't know if I'm actually Demi or if I'm just like very anxious in these situations or if it's both, spoiler alert, I'm sure it was both like
SARAH: It was both
KAYLA: It was me being Demi and not understanding how to take care of myself as a Demi person or like…
SARAH: That's exactly what…
KAYLA: Or like communicate to people. Hey, I'm Demi. This is like… I wasn't able to set expectations myself I was just like waiting for someone else to tell me their expectations
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Don't do that like…
SARAH: Yeah, but I mean it can be hard especially if you haven't fully accepted what your own expectations are.
KAYLA: No. Yeah, it was definitely so it was very hard. But eventually I told the person I was like Goodbye, there was I think I was like at a party and I was drunk and I was like I'm Demi, and then I was like very upset with this person. They were like what? Anyway
SARAH: And then I had to keep interacting with that person because I worked with them
KAYLA: Yes, you're welcome.
SARAH: Oh, also FYI when Kayla texted me she was like I didn't want to be Demi like blah blah blah. I was displeased with her. I yelled at her gently.
KAYLA: Well, you were… yes, you were displeased correctly. It's not like you were an asshole. You were just like, let me mother you through this
SARAH: Yes, like maybe you should not say that you just hate this aspect of yourself
KAYLA: Yes, but you did it... I don't know you didn't do it in a forceful way of like well, why don't you? You should like you were very understanding, which I think is a good point of like if you're friends with someone who's questioning or like unsure and like you're someone who is securing your sexuality, don't just assume that that person can like get there right away like…
SARAH: Yeah, and I think a good way to do it is I think this is kind of what I did although I didn't have the framework that I have now but like the way I think about it now is like if your friend and this applies to just anything really is if your friend is saying like stuff about themselves about how they don't like certain things, turn it around on them and be like, okay would you say that to me? like I… like I would never say that to my friend, I like your… that's my friend Kayla. Why are you telling my friend Kayla that?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: So that's a good way to think of it. And I think it's kind of what I did
KAYLA: Probably, you do say that often
SARAH: Yeah, that’s my friend Kayla, don't say mean things to my friend Kayla
KAYLA: Don't say mean things to me. I'm watching you, you know who you are
SARAH: I’m watching you
KAYLA: Okay, so that happened. I like… at that point was like fully like I'm definitely demi, I think I had maybe loosely started using the label before then but at that point I was like, okay, like this is… this is how it is and I'm like learning to be like chill with that. So, some time passed I started dating again I got on dating apps because that was something all I'm saying is good at, I have a very high accuracy rate
SARAH: You have a high success rate
KAYLA: I have been on dates from dating apps with three separate people two of them turned into long-term relationships, is all I'm saying, is that I'm great at it. The second one was…
SARAH: My sister has a really similar record
KAYLA: Wow, I mean not saying that all of those relationships were amazing. But anyway, so I got back on the apps, in my bio for some reason I decided I was like, I'm just going to do it I'm going to like say openly my bio like I'm Demi. I kind of expected some backlash, we talked about this in the last episode actually, I almost wanted it
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Because I was like this is good content, which is really shitty of me, but like it's me, I can do it to myself. It's fine. Don't…
SARAH: And I was like Kayla, Kayla, no, and you were like, but the content
KAYLA: I am nothing but a content whore. But everyone was really good about it, like a lot of people I obviously had to like explain what it was and then they were like oh chill cool. Which is surprising I was on tinder, which is surprising for Tinder, especially because like, I think it's often seen as a hookup app
SARAH: Can I… completely unrelated
KAYLA: I would love that
SARAH: I was…
KAYLA: I would love a break
SARAH: I was in a job interview recently… in a job interview recently, and the person interviewing me was talking about how like they have a lunch break where like the office is closed during that time so you can kind of you know do whatever, she was like, yeah, some people like hook up with friends and I was like, you see here's the generational difference…
KAYLA: No, no, no, no, no
SARAH: I understand what you mean, but that is not how I would define hooking up
KAYLA: There was a similar thing at work where this woman who is like, I don't know in her 40s, whatever was talking about her girlfriends, she just meant her friend, but then someone else in the office was like, oh my god, I didn't know she was gay, that's so exciting and I was like no no, no, no, no, no, she has a husband. She's just using that word like an older person
SARAH: That's just a word… yeah, we just use that word differently.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Anyway, continue.
KAYLA: Thank you. So, at that point I successfully caught another one on Tinder. I did it to him, everyone
SARAH: You got to do it to him
KAYLA: I did. You know, I had to do it to him. What was interesting about that and something that like it was very surprising to me that I was like struggling with and was like surprised by because I had a podcast where I was openly demi and like my friends and family knew was that when I was open on these dating apps about being demi I was then automatically open and like out to this person's friends, you know this might not have been what happened with like anyone I was dating but with this person in particular you know, they were like talking to their friends about like hey, I met this girl on this, on like Tinder. We went out, she's demi. So, when I went to meet his friends for the first time, one of the first things that they talked to me about was like, oh you're demi like what is that? Which is maybe I should have expected it since I had put my sexuality out there openly but it hadn't… it wasn't something I had like thought about that consequence of
[00:30:00]
SARAH: Yeah, I think that's the weird thing about identifying with any ID that's not heterosexual or homosexual
KAYLA: I mean, it's just… it's more invisible
SARAH: Yeah, well, yeah, but like if people… like if you're out and people find out about it like they may have questions. They may like want to talk about it, like if you're bi or if you're pan or you know and so like you may be dating people that do not have the same identity as you and so there may be a bunch of questions that come up and it's like even if you're out and even if you're comfortable being out you may not necessarily be super comfortable just like jumping into those questions, but it might happen anyway, and that's not just true of aspec but you know if you're your pan or your bi or whatever
KAYLA: Yeah, and I think especially with being demi, like I talked about with a lot of people who don't know what it is, like when I tell them there's automatically some responses that like aren't great and I have to kind of defend myself, because when someone tells you like oh that's just what good people do, what they're basically telling you is your sexuality isn't real. Whether they mean to say that or not and so…
SARAH: And they're also making a judgment call about other people's choices
KAYLA: Right, right. So, it's just a lot wrapped into one like we already said, but. So, it was the first time I really had to face like talking to people who I didn't know like at all about something very personal and something that they could easily turn around and like be rude about, you know. like coming out is anything aspec does really run the risk of just people being very obnoxious or like having to do the full TED talk. So, I think that was an interesting note there and I can imagine… I feel like I've heard of people who are bi like dating people and being like, please don't tell people I'm bi, like I don't need to be having that conversation, whether they're dating a woman or a man and whatever their gender is…
SARAH: I mean I've known people who are bi who were in a same-sex relationship and the person they were in a relationship with like didn't like the fact that they were bi
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Like it's not just limited to you know straight people being homophobic or aphobic or whatever like there are still issues as many aspec people know within queer communities
KAYLA: Yeah, and I mean it had never crossed my mind to be like don't tell your friends I'm Demi because I hadn't even thought about it as something that would come up
SARAH: Right
KAYLA: So, I do think that's interesting especially with sexualities that are like kind of more invisible than like demisexuality or like asexuality they just you know they're harder to like see from the outside I think
SARAH: On the outside always looking… Continue
KAYLA: So, that was just an interesting point. That's another… that's just another thing that I noticed
SARAH: And just a little musical break, some musical stylings from Dear Evan Hansen for you.
KAYLA: Um, yes. Where are we? let me look at my notes
SARAH: I personally am in Los Angeles. You're in Connecticut.
KAYLA: Yes. Do you know what city?
SARAH: New Haven.
KAYLA: Oh sweet. Good job
SARAH: Do you think I just don't know where you live?
KAYLA: I don't know, I mean, it's not like some famous city like LA, I don’t know
SARAH: I know but I can tell by looking on Find My Friends whether you're home or at work.
KAYLA: That's fair. They're pretty close to you
SARAH: So. That's how I… that's how I knew to text you today being like hey I'm ready whenever you are because I saw that you were at home
KAYLA: Anyway, let's see. So that relationship ended at whatever point, and then a while later I started the relationship I'm currently in
SARAH: Not via Tinder
KAYLA: Not via Tinder, via real life
SARAH: Via real life
KAYLA: As I was actually just about to say it was different because it was someone I was already friends with and it was someone I had known for like two years.
SARAH: Yeah, someone you had known for a while and your friends knew also, at least a good chunk of your friends already knew this person
KAYLA: Yeah. Like he was within our friend circle. So, obviously very different than dating someone online that you have like no who they are
SARAH: I will say kind of in our friend circle not in that like he was in our like super immediate close friend circle but was like in a broader… Like we knew him from Quidditch. So, we all knew him. We had all talked to him, interacted with him, but it wasn't like you're dating
KAYLA: Like my best friend
SARAH: Like a super close friend, because that can be a whole other thing.
KAYLA: Yeah, it wasn't that, I didn't do that to him
SARAH: You didn't do that to him
KAYLA: But… so that was interesting because I think… Just like as a person I was much more comfortable with him because I already knew him. He wasn't a perfect stranger which just like kind of eased my anxiety around a lot of things.
SARAH: What about an imperfect stranger?
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: No, um but the one thing that was weird was I didn't know if he knew I was Demi from the beginning, it's not like I had my dating profile that said demi right on it. We didn't like… Sarah said he wasn't in our like immediate friend group, I didn't know if he even knew about the podcast, like I didn't know if he knew any of this stuff and it was weird to bring up to be like, oh, you might know this and it might be totally obvious and a weird thing for me to saying because you already know, but like, I'm Demi. Do you know that? I don't even…
SARAH: Just checking
KAYLA: Just checking. Yeah. I don't think we actually ever had that conversation I think maybe he like brought up the podcast at some point or I did and he knew what it was and I was like, okay, then he must know
SARAH: Yeah, usually I assume if someone is Familiar with my podcast, I assume they know my sexuality
KAYLA: Right. Yeah, so I think that's kind of what happened. So yeah, I think that was an interesting I think just different thing that had never happened to me before I think the other different thing was I had never… well, I guess in high school I dated someone I was like friends with within my friend circle but it had been a while since I dated someone that like other people in my life knew and like other people would be talking about my relationship because it was you know, the town gossip or whatever
SARAH: Hot tea
KAYLA: It was hot tea
SARAH: Tea, so that’s scalding
KAYLA: Yes, so that was also something kind of similar to like my previous relationship him telling his friends I was demi, this was another thing where like if people were going to be talking about my relationship, the fact that I was demi was probably going to come up and it did and it… so it also took me getting used to being like okay people are going to be talking about me and my sexuality when I'm not there to like monitor that conversation, which I had never… and obviously again, it's something I should have thought of, I have a podcast about it, anytime someone talks with this podcast, they're probably going to bring that up
SARAH: Don't should
KAYLA: But… Well, that but the people who listen to this podcast who would talk about it would also like be very educated, you know. So I've never really had to like deal with people who maybe weren't as educated talking about it without me there to correct them without me there to like understand what they were saying to know what people thought about me or my sexuality. So that was a hard time for me
SARAH: But for you to have at least some sort of proxy there so like someone who understands well enough that they can clarify things or you know
KAYLA: Yeah. There was no one there to like stand up for me or just like the aspec community in general, so that was something else that was tough. So, that's the end of me doing my story
SARAH: Lit
KAYLA: But I have more to say
SARAH: I'm excited.
KAYLA: I would say… I mean this didn't come up in those kind of things, this is just something that kind of like internally I think about a lot and I think we've brought it up so just kind of thinking about my place in the community, especially like I said when it feels like my sexuality kind of waivers in like relevancy depending on like what my relationship status is, it's something that's tough because I feel like as a demi person who is also straight I'm not fully in the ace community. At least that's how I feel, I don't want to say obviously that demi people aren't part of the ace community, they obviously are but just kind of as I experience my own sexuality it feels like I kind of have one foot in the like ace community, one foot in like the straight world and then like a toe in the queer community because sometimes people accept ace people into the queer community, but sometimes they don't, but also I'm straight and so it's like well, would I even be there… would I even belong there anyway? So it's kind of this weird thing where I feel like I don't completely belong in the straight world because all of these straight people are talking about like hooking up and doing whatever and I don't identify with that but then you go into the ace community and it's also completely different, I would say I also like don't know that many people in real life who are demi and like I don't interact with a lot of demi people online either because I think a lot of the people at least who we like talk to are… or who like… I don't know, demi-sexuality doesn't come up as much at least like within our community, I think
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And so it's just hard for me to like really process those feelings and I also think like for what I've seen of other people that do talk about demi sexuality, a lot of times it seems like it affects other people's lives more like for me it never took that long in any relationship, it never took like a crazy amount of time for me to get from the stage of like not sexually attracted to sexually attracted like it never caused an issue in any relationship like I was very lucky there whereas other people I know it takes a lot longer, it's something that they have to carry more that they have to think about more that affects their lives or their love lives or their dating lives a lot more.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: So, it's almost like well are they more demi than me because it affects their lives more than it affects mine, and so if they are more…
SARAH: The answer is no
KAYLA: Yeah, but you can see… obviously it's…
SARAH: But I can understand that thinking that way, yeah
KAYLA: Yeah. And so if I'm thinking that way then like if I'm not as demi that I'm even less than the ace community, which means I’m even less in queer community, but I don’t feel like I quite belong in the straight world either, which is just very odd, especially like moving away from college when we were in college I had like a very set group of like… a queer set of friends who are very inclusive to asexuality and I felt like I belonged there but you go into the broader world and then you're like, oh these people might not be as chill with me like considering like… they might not be okay that I kind of consider myself part of the queer community, they might think I'm like one of those straight people that's like, oh me too. I'm yes. I have gay friends I'm yeah, you know
SARAH: I wish I were queer
KAYLA: Yeah, like I'm very afraid of being that person but it's also hard because I am not completely in the straight world, so I think like as I continue to like understand my sexuality and come around like just continue to grow in that area that's the thing that I still deal with the most
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Oh, yeah, I can definitely see like where that kind of questioning of your place comes from and I think it's a common thing for anyone in the queer community, but especially in like under the ace umbrella to have those questions and those thoughts about where you fit in the community and I think there's definitely a very specific feeling for demi people especially people who are hetero romantic and demi so like demi straight but I do think for any of our listeners like knowing that like that is a much more common fear than you might think yeah, and it's something that a lot of people in the community really understand could be helpful to you know dealing with your own struggles and your own questioning situation
KAYLA: Yeah, and like I wish that this could be one of the things where I was like oh this if you feel this way this is what you can do, but unfortunately, it's something that I'm still struggling with as well. So, I don't really have any advice if anyone listening is demi and like has found something that has helped them in this situation. I would love to hear it but yeah, I don't know. It's just very hard
SARAH: Yeah, I mean the TLDRs that even more than a hundred episodes into a podcast about the ace umbrella still struggle with stuff yeah, and… but I don't want our listeners to view that as like disheartening like…
KAYLA: No, I think it’s a very…
SARAH: It’s just something that you have… that you just have to deal with, there's a lot of things you have to deal with in your life that you don't expect to and there's stuff that kind of continues to define yourself and your identity and you just got to keep dealing with it and you are who you are and…
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean you're not going to figure it out all in one day and if you think about it, I've only like been identifying this way what for like two years, three years, would you like in the grand scheme of a whole lifetime like isn't that long? So…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I guess my one piece of advice to anyone would be like if you're upset or frustrated that you're still like having struggles even if it has been a few years that that's… I mean, it's completely normal, if you think about… if you're going to live like a hundred years it's going to take some time to figure yourself out, you know
SARAH: Your identity is a toddler
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean terrible twos
SARAH: And think about toddlers, what can they do?
KAYLA: Pretty much nothing
SARAH: Almost nothing, so jot that down.
KAYLA: Yeah, think about that one
SARAH: Yeah, even if you don't live to be a hundred, if you live to be 75, two years is still a lot of that
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Or like a little of… small… I meant to say a small amount, I said it backwards, y'all know what I meant?
KAYLA: Yeah, so I don't know. I hope all of that made sense. I know… I don't know putting it in the perspective what I've been through is just kind of what was easiest for me, especially since… Like I said, I don't like have a lot of experience with other Demi people, so hopefully…
SARAH: But I mean everyone does experience it differently.
KAYLA: Yes, obviously
SARAH: Which you did also say, so
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Just a reminder
KAYLA: Yeah, just a reminder obviously not everyone's experience is like mine, but I hope that just hearing about someone's journey like if you aren't Demi or if you think you might be that this can maybe help you if you relate to some of these things, that maybe it'll help you understand kind of what's going on. I don't know.
SARAH: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think so. Do you have anything else you'd like to add on the topic of demisexuality?
KAYLA: I don't know. It's a good time
SARAH: It's a good time.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know, I don't…
SARAH: It’s a good time
KAYLA: Like I don't want to end on a negative note of me being like, I mean, it's oh, hello…
SARAH: Yeah, that's one of the… one of the louder noise
KAYLA: That's a good one
SARAH: Yeah, I mean I live very close to the fire station, yeah, what can I say
KAYLA: Um, I don't know, I don't want to leave it on a negative note of being like me being frustrated with my sexuality even though it's completely fine and normal to be frustrated with your sexuality but I don't know like I'm happy with my sexuality it has given me a very nice community and it like it does come with like a lot of things that I really enjoy that make my life very good, so
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Lit. What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Who's to say?
SARAH: Demi God/goddess? Yes
KAYLA: Let's just hold… I have… I have a one.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Kevin and Tessa are fighting in the DMS.
SARAH: Oh no
KAYLA: Not the DMs, the open reply
SARAH: Mentions?
KAYLA: Yes. Oh, I forgot. Well, I wanted to do like just are you Demi to like get a poll of like what our listeners are but then if people who don't listen answer it then it'll skew my data
SARAH: It will skew your data
KAYLA: I know AVEN is going to be all up in here retweeting this shit
SARAH: We love you AVEN.
KAYLA: I love you. Um maybe we'll do an open poll just like as a Demisexual person do you like struggle with your place within the community?
SARAH: Mm-hmm. And for those people who aren't Demi give some motivational words to your demi friends.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Tell them you love them. Tell them you tolerate them.
KAYLA: Oh, okay
SARAH: Tell them you think they're pretty cool.
KAYLA: Wow, this is good
SARAH: The three genders love, tolerate, pretty cool
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: Anyway, you can find us… nope, next it is juice and beef. Kayla what's your juice and your beef this week?
KAYLA: Oh jeebus, um my beef is that like 90% of my company like whole… a whole one side of the company which makes up the most of the company is like on vacation this week. They work very hard and they deserve a vacation, but we don't my team, my side of the company. So, in the entire office, there's only like seven of us. And so, it's very like empty and weird vibes, it feels like… It's just very unproductive. It feels… even though my boss is still there. It feels like who the parents are gone I can run amok and so I'm really getting nothing done at work, which is good
SARAH: Vibe check is question mark
KAYLA: Vibe check literally though. Um, also my beef is coronavirus because it's very upsetting. I don't think it's really hitting America that bad but I have some friends from work who are from China and whose parents are there and the situation over there is really just messy people are being quarantined like people aren't allowed to leave their towns the lines...
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: At hospitals are insanely long, like you can't buy one of those face masks because they're like out of stock, it costs so much money to get them. So, that's just sad that it's like really becoming an epidemic and there's like travel advisories between anywhere in China, it's a whole thing so that just sucks.
SARAH: Yeah. Well people in the… what is it? the Wuhan region, like can't leave
KAYLA: Yeah, so I have a friend who's from the area that it originated in…
SARAH: Oh really?
KAYLA: And it's hard because her parents are reporters and so they have to go out and work and report on it but yeah, they… I mean that whole town like you can't leave or go into it.
SARAH: You can’t leave. Yeah.
KAYLA: It's a whole thing. Yeah.
SARAH: What’s your juice?
KAYLA: My juice, yeah after that fun time my juice is… Oh, I have some incense I've been using recently, it smells real good, it smells like sandalwood that has been vibe check pass
[00:50:00]
SARAH: Vibe check passed
KAYLA: My significant other is visiting starting today
SARAH: Starting today?
KAYLA: Tonight. Yeah, he's not in yet
SARAH: Well…
KAYLA: He's right… He has been listening this whole time
SARAH: We've been talking about him
KAYLA: No, he's coming in at like 10. Um, I haven't seen him in two months. So that's exciting. Sarah you can cut this out. This isn't really good I saw you like a tweet about long-distance relationships the other day and I was like this bitch has no right.
SARAH: I thought it was funny.
KAYLA: It was funny, but I was also like, what do you know?
SARAH: I know nothing. I'm leaving that in
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: My beef is whatever cursed malady overcame me today I was telling Kayla before we were recording…
KAYLA: Before any of you were here
SARAH: Before any of you were here, this morning I woke up I finally dragged myself out of my bed, I got…
KAYLA: She didn't really drag herself out of bed, she rolled from the bed to the floor
SARAH: I rolled
KAYLA: And claimed that that was her getting out of bed
SARAH: It was
KAYLA: I mean…
SARAH: I was out of my bed.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Yesterday I was supposed to work out I had planned to and then I just didn't. So, today I was like we're doing it today and so it took way too long, but then I finally was like we're doing it. So, I went and I got on the… I got on the little exercise bike because I was like we're half-assing it, like we're doing it, but we're half-assing it, and so I sat down on U-wheel exercise bike in about a minute a minute and a half in I started feeling very sick, my stomach was just hurting really bad and I was like wow this isn't good, I ended up just having to go home, and so I went home and I was like, okay, these shorts are kind of tight like it's like a stomachache. So, like if I change clothes to something that's like looser it will probably feel better, it didn't.
KAYLA: Oh, good
SARAH: Literally, nothing would make it feel better, like I put like some like heat warm stuff on it, it didn't help, laid down, it didn't help, nothing helped. I felt very ill for several hours finally I got myself to fall asleep, once I woke up was feeling better, still no idea what happened. Oh, I tried to like eat some bread to like see if it would stop…
KAYLA: Just absorb all those bad vibes?
SARAH: Yeah, observe all the bad vibes, it didn't work. I have no idea what the fuck it was. I feel okay now, I ate some cereal and I'm fine, but like I don't understand. It basically made my whole day a bust. So…
KAYLA: That's a big mood. I had a really big lunch this… today because we like went out and had a team lunch and I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out after. It was a mess.
SARAH: Beautiful. My juice. Okay. My first juice is get this a fucking romance novel. Okay…
KAYLA: Tea
SARAH: So, have you heard of the book Red, White and Royal Blue?
KAYLA: Never in my days
SARAH: Okay, I have some internet friends who have read it and really loved it and I was like, it's gay first of all…
KAYLA: Well then yeah
SARAH: It's about the first son of the United States and the Prince of Wales.
KAYLA: Oh, that's hot
SARAH: Yeah. And I had heard a lot about it, but I was like I'm not usually one for like romance novels I'm not necessarily just going to go out and buy it but then a friend of mine was writing a fanfiction a you of this and I was like fuck this is good. I was being her like beta reader like I was I was proofreading it for her and I was like fuck this is good. So, she um peer pressured me into buying the book and I read it in less than 24 hours, it's like four hundred pages.
KAYLA: Oh, I saw that Instagram post
SARAH: Yeah, it's very good, super gay, warning that there are some sexy times in it that I would say are rated like a hard M, not E
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: E being explicit and M being mature if we're going on A03 ratings, not E, but a hard M. So just beware if you if that freaks you out too much, but you can you can kind of skip it, you really can, but a wonderful book, queer as fuck.
KAYLA: We love that
SARAH: And the author is like this 29-year-old woman who is writing another queer romance now, so tea. Other juice is I read another fucking Schitts Creek fic where Stevie was aromantic
KAYLA: Oh my God
SARAH: And it was by an entirely different person, like and I cried again
KAYLA: You did text me about that
SARAH: I cried again, and they were talking about like love is love like also applies to aro people…
KAYLA: Stop
SARAH: And like it applies… It applies to platonic love too, and I was like shit, I never thought about that, I’m crying now, my last juice is, also to do with Schitts Creek, the trailer for The Crows Have Eyes 3, the crow winning which is a movie that one of the characters that Moira is in, in Schitts Creek they released the trailer…
KAYLA: They made a trailer for a fake movie?
SARAH: They made it, they made a trailer for it and they showed part of the trailer on this week's episode but they released like a full trailer on the internet and maybe the funniest line in Schitts Creek history in my opinion didn't even make it into the episode but… so the movie is called The Crows Have Eyes 3, right? So, the narrator like the dramatic guy he goes “the crows have eyes and you better not look them in it” And every time I laugh so hard, it didn't even make it into the episode but it's maybe one of the best things Dan Levy has ever done.
KAYLA: That is very good
SARAH: So that's my juice, you can tell us about your beef, your juice for those of you who have read red white and royal blue I got… tell me. It's such a good fan-fic
KAYLA: You didn't… get in her DMS
SARAH: Also, it was like… there's like a lot of like political stuff too because it's about like the first son of the United States and so it was like political shit in a fiction book, that's my niche
KAYLA: It really is. I also just got… I just said I just got a notification on my computer about coronavirus. So, it's just following.
SARAH: Oh, oh boy. Also, that book made me feel very hopeful at the end, so.
KAYLA: That's good
SARAH: And given the current political state we need that
KAYLA: That’s so true
SARAH: Anyway, @soundsfakepod on the internet. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod, are… Hold on. Let me drink some water.
KAYLA: Oh, get it
SARAH: I got to be hydrated for this lorp. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Vinnakota, Austin Ley, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Tim, BookMarvel, ChangelingMX, Derek and Karissa, Simona Simon, and Eric Zago, Jamie Jack who Kayla said last week because I had already unplugged my mic and I was like I can't
KAYLA: Now there's an audio file just called Jamie Jack because I had like…
SARAH: It’s called Jamie Jack
KAYLA: Recorded myself. So, honestly you get an extra because there's an entire audio file on both of our computers now called Jamie Jack
SARAH: Called Jamie Jack.
KAYLA: Honestly, who is the… here
SARAH: Yeah, um and Drew Yang who bumped up from $2. Thank you.
KAYLA: Hey, hi Drew.
SARAH: Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @dirtyunclekevin, @tessa_m_k, who are apparently having a disagreement in our mentions during the podcast
KAYLA: Tessa was gone for a couple of days which means Kevin was binging from the backlog of our episodes, which sounds like a terrible idea, they're probably bad, but then Tessa got back home and then Kevin was like well now I am done binging and Tessa was like we make it sound like I don't let you listen drama
SARAH: Oh no
KAYLA: But Kevin got through 32 episodes
SARAH: That’s so many
KAYLA: Which is insane. So, a good job Kevin
SARAH: Well, good job Kevin, Tessa I believe you, I don't think you ever stopped Kevin from listening…
KAYLA: I don't either
SARAH: I think you’re a good person Tessa. Arcness who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote tabletop games, Anonymous who'd like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy would like to promote a podcast from a planet weird, my aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher's Haven. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel J White and NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sarah Jones who is @Eternallolli Everywhere, and Dragonfly who this week is going to promote lip balm and Dia Chappelle who was a $2 patron and then was a $5 patron and now is a $15 patron. Thank you Dia
KAYLA: They might have been $15 last week, but I didn't realize that they re-bumped up
SARAH: Um, oh no, it's Kayla’s fault
KAYLA: It’s my fault, but I did… I messaged you, Dia tell us what you want to promote
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Tell us
SARAH: Otherwise, or tell us that you don't want to promote anything and you and Dragonfly can just be promoting whatever comes to my mind
KAYLA: Perfect
[01:00:00]
SARAH: Amazing. Thank you for listening tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]
