Hey what's up hello! This week, Sarah takes the ultimate test. Does she know Kayla better than her boyfriend Dean does? Listen to find out.
Episode transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/boyfriend-vs-best-friend
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! This week, Sarah takes the ultimate test. Does she know Kayla better than her boyfriend Dean does? Listen to find out.
Episode transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/boyfriend-vs-best-friend
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
(0:00)
SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA:… and a demi-straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)
DEAN: And a straight guy named Dean
SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.
KAYLA: On today’s episode: Boyfriend versus best friend.
ALL: — Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod!
KAYLA: Uh…
SARAH: Nothing? I’ve got one.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Senate m’inority leader M’itch M’cConell.
KAYLA: That’s a very good one, now this is very good.
SARAH: You’re welcome.
KAYLA: Very inspirational.
SARAH: Before we get too far in, this Wednesday at 7pm Eastern, we’re going to be going live on the Forbidden Apple’s Instagram to talk about queerness and also religion and our experiences therewith. Party with us.
KAYLA: It was supposed to be last Wednesday but then—
SARAH: A coup happened.
KAYLA: America. So, this week we’re going to do a fun episode just because—
SARAH: We can. We must.
KAYLA: Who can be serious at a time such as this.
SARAH: Not I. Okay, Kayla, Dean, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we’re going to see who knows me better. Sarah, my best friend who I lived with for about four years and Dean, my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for two years and we’ve been living together since March, since quarantine I guess.
DEAN: Pretty much yeah, whenever you came back from Connecticut.
KAYLA: Yeah, so we’re going to see who knows me best. Place your bets now.
DEAN: I just want to say, I know Pancake Bot was the only one to vote for me, and I want to say thank you but you’re wrong.
SARAH: Dean is strongly in the camp that he’s going to lose and to that I said that have you considered that I am depressed and also have ADHD brain which means I have the memory of a jellyfish, which to reiterate, is an animal that does not have a brain.
KAYLA: Yeah there was some betting in the Discord of who would win. I think everyone so far has bet for Sarah.
SARAH: It’s important to me that I set my bar low.
KAYLA: I tried to make the questions fair. It’s hard. Sarah, you’ve known me much longer than Dean, so it’s tough.
SARAH: I think I’ve set my bar lower than everyone else has set it for me but you know what, as long as I keep my bar low I won’t be disappointed.
KAYLA: That’s all that matters.
DEAN: See the thing is though, Kayla yells at me every day for forgetting things she tells me.
KAYLA: Oh I will tell him something and then two minutes later, he’ll have no idea what I told him or asked him to do.
DEAN: I will repeat it verbatim but I won’t remember that she said it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: In one ear, out the other is a classic.
KAYLA: Classic living with a man am I right ladies?
SARAH: Am I right? Stereotypes.
KAYLA: I think you both have pieces of paper so you can prove even though I can’t see Sarah cause our FaceTime wasn’t working.
SARAH: Yeah, FaceTime was cutting in and out so I will have to take photos of this and prove it to the class.
KAYLA: I guess you could text me, Sarah.
SARAH: I could but I don’t want to. That feels like more pressure because you see it immediately you know?
KAYLA: I guess so. I wrote down 21 questions, I don’t know that I’ll do all of them. They’re in no particular order, just the order I thought of them in.
DEAN: I’m numbering my notepad.
SARAH: I’m also numbering mine but I won’t number ahead of time.
KAYLA: It’s not like we’re doing all of them and then reveal. We’ll do them one at a time.
SARAH: Ask the damn questions.
KAYLA: Are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: At what age did I have my first kiss?
SARAH: Hold on, I have to do math.
KAYLA: Okay. There’s going to be a lot of silence to cut out in this one huh.
(5:00)
SARAH: Yeah, I did this to myself. Dicks.
KAYLA: Dean has written something down, I don’t know what it is.
DEAN: Yeah.
SARAH: Can Dean and I conspire with each other?
KAYLA: You can but I’ll hear you. If you want to work together I guess that’s your own business.
DEAN: Yes, send pics.
SARAH: I’m between two and I’m trying to—
KAYLA: You’re going to have to pick one.
SARAH: I know and I might be simply—wait, hold on.
DEAN: I kind of ended up just guessing.
KAYLA: It’s like you don’t know me at all. You didn’t have a logical thought process?
DEAN: I’ll explain.
SARAH: I have a logical thought process, I’m just doubting it.
KAYLA: Okay, are you done?
SARAH: No, I’m panicking. This is the problem, I can’t make decisions.
KAYLA: You’re the one editing this so I guess it’s your own problem.
SARAH: I wrote something down Jesus. I wrote something down.
KAYLA: Who wants to go first? Dean do you want to go first?
SARAH: Dean does.
DEAN: So, I put 16. My thought process was, I don’t think it happened before high school and I knew you did date someone in high school. So at that point, it’s like I have a full 4-year window. It probably wasn’t when you were a freshman. So, I went with 16.
SARAH: I also said 16 but I could not decide between 15 and 16. I know when you dated Mormon ex, I knew you dated him your junior year—
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Your sophomore year.
KAYLA: I started dating him my sophomore year.
DEAN: Shit.
SARAH: Yeah but you were still dating him your junior year.
KAYLA: Yes. The correct answer is 16.
SARAH: It is? I was struggling with that.
KAYLA: I was not allowed to date until I was 16. And so the day I turned 16, I went to prom with my boyfriend. We didn’t kiss then though. It was a little while later. Anyway, I was 16.
SARAH: I was really struggling with that.
KAYLA: We were friends and flirting but I wasn’t 16 yet so our first date was prom the day I turned 16.
DEAN: So this was the very end of your sophomore year of high school.
SARAH: Okay, my math was correct. I just couldn’t remember if it was before or after your birthday but that makes sense cause you weren’t allowed to date until you were 16.
KAYLA: I thought you would know that Sarah that I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 cause I know we’ve talked about that.
SARAH: It has come back to me now. I would like to reiterate that I have the memory of a jellyfish.
KAYLA: That’s fair. Okay, you ready for number 2?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: What is my favorite movie?
SARAH: I want to die.
KAYLA: (laughs)
SARAH: Fuck me. I don’t necessarily think this is right but it’s what I’m saying.
KAYLA: Okay, do you want to go first this time, Sarah?
SARAH: I don’t want to but I think you’re going to make me.
KAYLA: I am.
SARAH: I don’t necessarily think this is right but if it is right I take that back. I have the 2005 Pride and Prejudice.
KAYLA: Mmmm.
SARAH: I know it’s up there but I don’t know that it’s your favorite movie but I could not think of what else would be up there.
KAYLA: That is a very good guess. Dean, what do you have?
DEAN: So I struggled with this one because there’s two movies that she talks about more than any. And it’s Pride and Prejudice which I did end up writing down.
KAYLA: Oh no.
DEAN: And Treasure Planet.
KAYLA: That is another good guess. It was none of those. Pride and Prejudice is probably number 2. It’s Sound of Music for nostalgia reasons, for childhood reasons. But Pride and Prejudice is a strong number 2.
DEAN: My third was going to be Princess Bride.
KAYLA: That’s also up there.
SARAH: I was also thinking about Princess Bride because when they made me watch it for the first time when I was in college, they roasted me for any criticism I made. I never said I didn’t like it. But I was roasted the entire time.
KAYLA: It’s the perfect movie and you had no right to criticize any of it.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: Anyway next question.
SARAH: I also thought of Princess Bride though.
KAYLA: Those are all up there. But it’s Sound of Music sorry everyone. Pride and Prejudice is definitely number 2.
DEAN: Every time we ever go past Pride and Prejudice on a streaming app, she’s like, let’s watch Pride and Prejudice.
KAYLA: We should.
(10:00)
SARAH: Am I supposed to be keeping score for myself?
KAYLA: I’m keeping score for you.
SARAH: Okay, cool.
KAYLA: What is my favorite song? Dean if you don’t know this, I will literally murder you.
SARAH: Your favorite song right now or your favorite song of all time?
KAYLA: Like, overall.
SARAH: Okay, overall, of all time.
KAYLA: Of all time, yes.
SARAH: I want to jump off a cliff. Dicks on a cracker. I don’t know.
KAYLA: Just guess.
SARAH: I feel like as soon as you’ll say it I’ll be like, well fuck.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think that’s true. Do you know it? If he doesn’t, he’ll be in trouble.
DEAN: I’m going to get in trouble.
KAYLA: Sarah are you done?
SARAH: One second. Okay, I wrote a sentence.
KAYLA: Okay, Dean you go first.
DEAN: My guess was Hallelujah/something by Ben Platt.
KAYLA: Okay.
DEAN: As in, I don’t know the title but it could very well be by Ben Platt.
KAYLA: Kay what’d you write, Sarah.
SARAH: I wrote, “Superfruit is the artist that most encapsulates your music taste.”
KAYLA: Okay, yes, it’s true. You’re all wrong. Hallelujah, the version in Shrek is up there for all-time favorite songs. Superfruit does encapsulate my music taste. However, my favorite all-time song is Come on Eileen.
DEAN: Ah fuck.
SARAH: Fuck dicks.
KAYLA: Dean, that was our first bonding moment was talking about that song. So you, we’re breaking up.
DEAN: I completely put anything before the year 2000 out of my mind.
KAYLA: That was a bonding moment for us, Dean.
SARAH: Too rah loo rah, as they say.
KAYLA: Are you ready?
SARAH: I gotta write down the number four. Okay, I’m ready.
KAYLA: How many car accidents have I been in? You laughing at this question, ma’am?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: That’s rude.
DEAN: Are we talking like full-on exchanged insurance type or?
KAYLA: Yes. What other type is there?
DEAN: If you damaged the car by hitting something.
KAYLA: No full-on car accident. Y’all ready?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Oh my god Sarah.
SARAH: I wrote down two things.
KAYLA: Okay, Sarah you go first.
SARAH: I wrote down 2-3.
KAYLA: That’s cheating.
SARAH: Three. Fuck.
DEAN: I put two.
KAYLA: The answer is two.
SARAH: I want to die. I want to jump off a cliff.
KAYLA: Here’s the thing—
SARAH: Do I get extra points if I can tell you the circumstances of one of them?
KAYLA: Sure, go for it.
SARAH: You turned the wrong way on a street—
KAYLA: Yes, I mean that is what happened but there is a lot more to the story than that.
SARAH: I’m telling the truth. You were pulling out you were with your sister.
KAYLA: No. I was with my sister and we were going down a street and she told me to turn one way and I started turning that way and she said “no, no wait. I meant turn the other way.” And I turned the other way and there was another car driving past. And I ran into them. I’ll give you half a point, Sarah.
DEAN: Fuck! Bullshit!
KAYLA: Okay. Are you ready? Where did I work for my first job?
SARAH: Your first job?
KAYLA: My first ever job that wasn’t babysitting.
SARAH: I have it.
KAYLA: I know this has come up Dean.
DEAN: I know.
KAYLA: I say it to everyone. Dean, you have to write something.
DEAN: I just don’t know.
KAYLA: Deaaaan.
DEAN: I’ll hate myself after I hear this.
KAYLA: Mmkay what is it, Dean?
DEAN: I put Starbucks. I thought it was some kind of food or retail or something.
(15:00)
KAYLA: What did you put Sarah?
SARAH: I said Lids the hat shop.
KAYLA: Yes, every time we go to a mall and there’s a Lids, I go, “I worked there!”
DEAN: She totally does.
SARAH: I remember that because when I did my internship in Los Angeles when I went to the metro station, I would have to pass a Lids and every time I would think, haha Lids.
KAYLA: Haha. Kayla worked there. How embarrassing. Okay, which Harry Potter book/movie is my favorite.
SARAH: I just wrote down my instinct.
KAYLA: Wow that was fast.
SARAH: It’s either you get it immediately or it takes ten minutes.
DEAN: I also have it.
KAYLA: Sarah, what is it?
SARAH: I said 3?
DEAN: It’s 3.
KAYLA: It is 3!
SARAH: Nice.
KAYLA: There’s time travel, what’s not to like? What’s not to like—JK Rowling, fuck that bitch. Moving on. How many states have I lived in in my life? This is a trick question I will tell you that.
DEAN: How long does lived count as?
KAYLA: I lived there.
DEAN: Okay.
KAYLA: I don’t think there are any circumstances where you’re going to be able to argue.
DEAN: Like all your stuff is there.
KAYLA: All my things, I lived there.
SARAH: See I didn’t think this was a trick question so now I’m doubting myself.
KAYLA: Okay, Dean what did you put?
DEAN: I put four.
KAYLA: Okay, Sarah what did you put?
SARAH: I put four. Michigan, Indiana, Connecticut, Louisiana.
KAYLA: I didn’t know if either of you would remember the Indiana part. It is four.
SARAH: That’s why you confused me. I was like, is there another state?
KAYLA: I didn’t know if you guys would remember that I was in fact born in Indiana and lived there for a couple years and then left.
DEAN: Yeah I wasn’t sure how long you were in Indiana cause—
KAYLA: Four years.
DEAN: You don’t really remember Indiana I’m sure.
KAYLA: No. But my accent sure does. Next, what is my cat’s full name? First, middle, and last. This, I have to admit is giving Sarah one. This is really just to test Dean. You know her full name?
DEAN: Yeah come on, that’s my cat too.
KAYLA: Um, barely.
SARAH: Billie Piper Lourd.
DEAN: Damn.
KAYLA: Wowww, he even spelled it right. Next. What is my middle name?
SARAH: Ohhhh I’m ready.
KAYLA: What is it, Dean?
DEAN: It’s the same as my mom’s.
KAYLA: And every other white girl’s.
SARAH: Every other white lady.
KAYLA: Did you get that, Sarah?
SARAH: Sorry I didn’t hear him but it’s Marie.
KAYLA: Wow, y’all are so smart. Do I still have my wisdom teeth in my mouth? Don’t look at my mouth like that’s going to help.
SARAH: (laughs)
KAYLA: Don’t look at my mouth! Oh, he’s thinkin’. You done, Sarah?
SARAH: My answer includes a question mark, yeah.
KAYLA: Okay, Dean what is it?
DEAN: I said no.
KAYLA: No, I don’t have them anymore?
DEAN: Yeah.
KAYLA: Sarah what’d you put?
SARAH: I said no with a question mark with the caveat that I believe you have had some removed. I do not know if you have had all of them removed.
KAYLA: I have had all of them removed. And bonus, do you know where they currently reside?
SARAH: At your parents’ house.
KAYLA: Both of you write it down.
DEAN: I don’t know the specific location.
SARAH: I don’t know them either.
DEAN: Your dad has them.
KAYLA: What did my dad do with them?
SARAH: I don’t recall.
KAYLA: There’s one for my sister, one for me. There are apples carved to look like tiny faces and they have weird eyes and our teeth are in them.
SARAH: Terrifying.
KAYLA: And they’re all shriveled up and disgusting.
DEAN: That is disgusting.
KAYLA: They’re in my parents’ bedroom.
DEAN: They’re in their bedroom?
KAYLA: I’m pretty sure at the moment they’re in their bedroom.
SARAH: Even your wisdom teeth? Not just your baby teeth, they gave you your wisdom teeth and your father put them in his bedroom?
KAYLA: It’s not my baby teeth, it’s just the wisdom teeth. It’s one apple for my sister, and one apple for me. And they are carved. I guess he asked them to keep them? It’s disgusting.
SARAH: Weird.
(20:00)
KAYLA: Next. I’ll try to get my dad to send me a picture so I can show everyone how horrible it is. What was my favorite class in college?
SARAH: I want to jump out.
KAYLA: Sarah, you have no excuse.
SARAH: I have the memory of a jellyfish. Mother dicks.
KAYLA: Are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: What’s your answer.
SARAH: I wrote, “was it the one research one? It was not French.”
KAYLA: It was not French that’s true. Dean, what’s the answer?
DEAN: I just put Gender Studies.
SARAH: The fucking feminism class.
KAYLA: It was the feminism class. Literally, everyone listening knew the answer. I don’t think I can give points to either of you.
DEAN: I mean I’m not wrong.
KAYLA: You’re both right in a way. I did do a research project for the class. It was not French and I do think it was cross-listed with Gender Studies.
DEAN: Half a point?
KAYLA: Then I’d give half a point to both of you and then it’d just cancel that. We’re not doing it. Literally, I can guarantee you everyone was just screaming at the podcast. They all knew it was the feminism class. Okay. What is my worst habit?
SARAH: What if I have two?
KAYLA: There’s only one I wrote down. Now Dean, this is not something I do that annoys you the most. This is something I perceive as my worst habit. This is not the worst thing I do—well, in my mind, what is my worst habit? Are you done, Sarah?
DEAN: It would be impossible for me to answer if it was just like, the things you do.
KAYLA: That’s rude!
DEAN: No it’s not.
KAYLA: That’s very rude.
DEAN: You probably have a laundry list of things I do too.
KAYLA: Yeah, namely, this right now. Okay, Dean what’s my worst habit?
DEAN: I said grinding your teeth.
KAYLA: Ooh, that’s a good one. What did you put Sarah?
SARAH: I said *ahem* plucking hairs, also picking around your nails, also maybe picking at your face but I may be projecting.
KAYLA: The correct answer is picking hairs. That is my worst habit.
SARAH: And she gave it to me.
KAYLA: And I gave my bad habit to—no I have a really bad habit of picking at my leg hairs and then they turn ingrown. And I’ve dug holes in my leg skin before, it’s very unhealthy. The grinding thing I don’t see as a habit because I literally can’t help it. It happens when I’m unconscious.
SARAH: You can’t control it.
DEAN: I thought about that but then I remembered that I hear you clackering in your sleep.
KAYLA: Maybe that’s something you need to work on then. Okay, of the famous Chrises, which Chris is my favorite? That was very fast, Dean.
DEAN: Cause that was very easy.
SARAH: I’m ready, also.
KAYLA: Sarah who is it?
SARAH: Pratt. Not Pratt. Why did I say Pratt? Pine, Pine, Pine, Pine.
KAYLA: What did you write down Sarah?
SARAH: I wrote down Pratt cause I mixing up the P’s. You know I would never say Chris Pratt, he’s the worst Chris by far. It is Chris Pine. I was thinking of the blue eyes Kayla you have to trust me that I just said the wrong thing.
KAYLA: I trust you. We all hate Chris Pratt, she knows we all hate Chris Pratt.
DEAN: Listen, I know, but— she did say the worst one to be fair.
KAYLA: We’ll see how it turns out. If there’s an issue with a tie or something, we’ll come back to this, how bout that?
SARAH: Listen—
DEAN: This competition has an asterisk.
SARAH: Here’s the thing. I’m stupid. And I don’t always use my brain. I will note though I did not hear you say Pine before I corrected myself. Just as a note for the class. I did not hear Dean’s answer before I corrected myself.
KAYLA: Alright we’ll see what happens in the end. Dean is looking pissed. What is my favorite snack?
DEAN: For the record, if you say that this is wrong, you’re wrong. Cause I literally see you eat this three times a day.
KAYLA: Then you probably got it right. Sarah, are you done?
SARAH: Gimme a minute.
KAYLA: Okay. Can’t believe you said Pratt. We all know he’s the worst Chris.
SARAH: I’m sorry. I cannot believe I said that.
KAYLA: We all know Pine is the best Chris and Pratt is the worst Chris. But I will say, me and Dean have been watching Parks and Rec recently and it was before Chris Pratt got super famous and turned into an asshole.
(25:00)
DEAN: To be fair, I don’t think it was the fame that made him an asshole.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Okay I’m ready.
KAYLA: Okay Sarah what is my favorite snack?
SARAH: I have two things written down.
KAYLA: Nooo.
SARAH: Let me explain. I think one is what I view to be historically your favorite snack. But then, based on Dean’s comment about seeing you eat it all the time, and also a recent podcast episode, I have one that might be one you vibe with currently. You always vibe with it but you know. So that one is Chex Mix. The one that historically I associate you with is spinach artichoke dip where you have that whole giant bucket of it. Okay, I’m going to need you to pick one Sarah.
SARAH: Chex mix.
KAYLA: Dean what’s your answer?
DEAN: I put spinach and artichoke dip.
KAYLA: It is spinach and artichoke dip.
SARAH: I’m SO MAD.
KAYLA: Chex Mix I do love.
DEAN: I didn’t even think of Chex Mix actually.
KAYLA: I do like Chex Mix but I eat spinach and artichoke dip three times a day. It’s true.
SARAH: If you could see my face right now.
KAYLA: How pissed are you?
SARAH: I’d like to note for the class and I will take a picture of this I did write spinach and artichoke dip before I wrote Chex Mix.
KAYLA: Well I told you to pick one and you picked the wrong one.
SARAH: I know, I panicked.
KAYLA: Okay. Moving on. If I suddenly came into a lot of money, what is the first thing I would spend money on? And this is something I’ve said the same answer to multiple people. I don’t know I’ve said it to either of you, but, there is one correct answer to this.
SARAH: I’ve no idea. Dean, do you have any idea what the answer is?
DEAN: No actually I don’t.
KAYLA: I know I’ve said this to people, I guess just neither of you. I don’t know who else I talk to other than you two.
SARAH: Um.
KAYLA: Would you like a hint?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It logically goes with an answer from a previous question.
DEAN: 2,000 pounds of spinach artichoke dip.
KAYLA: Nooo.
SARAH: She would buy a really nice pair of tweezers. What the fuck? That didn’t help me.
KAYLA: Well, I’m not going to tell you the exact question it logically goes with. That would be too much.
SARAH: Okay I wrote something.
KAYLA: Dean what is it?
DEAN: Mine isn’t something that’s super expensive but it’s something you talk about all the time, so I put another cat.
KAYLA: Okay. That’s a good guess. Sarah, what’d you put?
SARAH: I said, “take Sarah on a romantic trip” and then I said buy a Ph.D.
KAYLA: These are all very good guesses. The real answer is laser hair removal surgery.
SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: Because I fucking hate hair and I keep picking it and I would like to get it lasered away. Now you all know.
SARAH: I’m still mad at myself for putting the name of Chris Pratt in my mouth.
KAYLA: Yeah I’m also mad at you Sarah that is treason against me.
SARAH: It’s treason against Chris Pine is what it is.
KAYLA: What is my biggest pet peeve in general and not about you?
DEAN: Chris Pratt.
KAYLA: Well, it’s up there for sure. I’ve complained to both of you actually. And the podcast, I’ve mentioned it on the podcast.
SARAH: Mmmmm.
KAYLA: No one knows me is what I’m hearing. Oh, we should tell people to play along at home. We should have told people, “write down your answers.”
SARAH: I might have it.
KAYLA: You gotta write something down, Dean. I forget what question we’re on, what did I ask you?
SARAH: 16.
KAYLA: What is it, Sarah?
SARAH: Chewing loud.
KAYLA: What’d you put, Dean?
DEAN: I put “white men with too much confidence.”
KAYLA: Okay, that’s a good guess but it is chewing sounds. White men are very annoying that’s fair.
(30:00)
SARAH: And sometimes, they make loud chewing sounds.
KAYLA: Such as my father. That bitch. How many cousins do I have?
SARAH: Help!
KAYLA: I can’t. I’m not allowed.
SARAH: I am not at all confident in my answer.
KAYLA: Did you write it down Dean?
DEAN: Yeah.
KAYLA: What’d you put?
DEAN: I can only think of four right now.
KAYLA: Sarah what did you put?
SARAH: I put “enough” and then I put “seven?”
KAYLA: It’s four. Dean has met them. It would have been bad if he hadn’t known.
SARAH: Yeah I have not met them. That was kind of a random guess.
KAYLA: That’s fair. What is the name of my D&D character?
DEAN: Shit.
SARAH: I’ve got it.
KAYLA: Sarah what is it?
SARAH: It’s Brenda Pizza but I wrote Brenda Pizza Esquire because I feel like that encapsulates who she is.
DEAN: I also put Brenda Pizza.
KAYLA: No, what’d you write?
DEAN: I wrote Kayla.
KAYLA: You dummy. Brenda Pizza. That’s actually not her real last name but neither of you listen so you wouldn’t know would you?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: What is my number one place that I want to travel to?
SARAH: *incoherent noise* Is this a place you have not been to before?
KAYLA: I have not been here.
DEAN: This might be me living vicariously—
KAYLA: Are you suggesting? Interesting.
SARAH: I’m… panicking. I—
DEAN: Oh shit.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Don’t knowwww.
KAYLA: Oh, he’s changing his answer. Kay, Sarah, what did you put?
SARAH: I wrote “Greece? New Zealand? Your mom’s house.”
KAYLA: Kay. What did you put Dean?
DEAN: My first answer I put Amsterdam, which I think—
KAYLA: That’s your answer.
DEAN: Yes, that’s my answer. So I crossed that out and I put Tokyo.
KAYLA: The answer is Japan.
DEAN: Let’s gooooo.
SARAH: He didn’t say “Japan.” He said “Tokyo.”
DEAN: Oh come onnnn.
KAYLA: Sarah, I’ll give him that cause you said Pratt.
SARAH: I didn’t mean it.
KAYLA: You said it.
DEAN: I said the biggest city in the place you want to travel to.
KAYLA: I gave you the point Dean.
SARAH: Yeah I didn’t really know I just started naming places.
KAYLA: I know you named 3! What is my favorite TikTok?
DEAN: Absolute favorite one?
KAYLA: Yeah overall. Not what I’ve been singing around the house.
DEAN: Or not your favorite TikToker.
KAYLA: No. My favorite TikTok video of all time.
SARAH: I’m ready whenever you’re ready to go.
KAYLA: I know I’ve sent it to both of you probably a billion times.
DEAN: I think I know it but I’m not quite sure that this is a TikTok.
KAYLA: Hmmm, could be a Vine, could be a tweet.
DEAN: No it’s not a Vine, but it could be a tweet. I thought it was the shrimp was the manager.
KAYLA: What did you put Sarah?
SARAH: The shrimp was the manager.
KAYLA: You’re both right! The shrimp was the manager. Okay, are you ready for the stunning finale?
SARAH: I’m ready. I’m probably not but I’ll say that I am.
KAYLA: What. Is. My. Chipotle order?
SARAH: That’s not fair.
DEAN: It’s not really because I’m pretty sure I do know it.
KAYLA: Listen everyone who knows me should know this. I get the same thing every time.
SARAH: Why would I know your order?
KAYLA: Why wouldn’t you? Do you know how many times you’ve been to Chipotle with me?
SARAH: But I don’t pay attention to what you order.
KAYLA: Well you should have.
SARAH: I was going to say do you know what my order is, but you might because it’s so weird.
KAYLA: You do the tacos but you do in a way it’s cheaper. It might just be chicken and cheese I think. Is that it.
SARAH: (quietly) Yeah.
KAYLA: HAHA bitch.
SARAH: It’s called a chicken three-pointer.
DEAN: Do we need to get all of them?
KAYLA: You have to get it entirely right to get a point.
DEAN: I’m pretty sure I got it.
KAYLA: Sarah go ahead.
SARAH: I wrote a burrito bowl.
KAYLA: With what?
SARAH: That’s all I wrote.
KAYLA: Not even going to try?
SARAH: Am I wrong? You didn’t say we had to get all the ingredients you said we had to get it 100% right.
KAYLA: Sarah I’m sorry I simply cannot count this. Would you like to try again?
SARAH: I’m sorry I don’t know what your Chipotle order is.
KAYLA: Dean you can try.
DEAN: This isn’t exactly a fair question because we literally ordered Chipotle last night.
KAYLA: And I ordered it myself.
DEAN: Yes but have you even eaten it yet? Like I could go check the fridge.
KAYLA: I have eaten it, it’s gone.
SARAH: Here’s why it’s not fair. I imagine that you have ordered Chipotle together on more than one occasion.
KAYLA: We have also done that Sarah.
SARAH:—whereas me and Kayla have gotten Chipotle, it’s not like we’ve ever gotten it delivered or on the same—
KAYLA: I will ask another unfair question after this will that make everyone feel better?
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: And it’ll be slanted the other way.
DEAN: What if I don’t get it?
KAYLA: You won’t get it that’s the point.
DEAN: No I mean what if I don’t get the Chipotle?
KAYLA: We’ll see, give me my order.
DEAN: Okay it’s a bowl with steak, cheese, sour cream, guac, white rice, black beans, romaine lettuce.
KAYLA: You’re missing something.
DEAN: Yes, so that’s what I was questioning. Salsa.
KAYLA: Many salsas. Which?
DEAN:Uh-
KAYLA: Well you’re already not going to get it because what you wrote down is incorrect.
DEAN: I think I’m right.
KAYLA: Yeah but I told you you were wrong.
DEAN: Red salsa.
KAYLA: No.
DEAN: Pico de gallo.
KAYLA: Yes but you don’t get the point. No one gets the point. Here’s my last unfair question.
SARAH: Yes!
KAYLA: What is the most romantic thing I’ve ever done for Sarah? Ooh, Sarah might get this wrong.
SARAH: What!
KAYLA: There’s an answer I have in my mind but I can think of a second answer that you might put instead.
SARAH: Can I write two things?
KAYLA: No, you have to pick one. There’s no way you know this Dean. How is this not fair? What is the thing that I think is the most romantic thing I’ve done for Sarah?
SARAH: I mean I’ve written two but I don’t know why you think yours and mine are different so I can’t tell—
KAYLA: The question is, what do I think is the most romantic? Okay Dean what did you put?
DEAN: I put a joint bank account.
KAYLA: It’s a good answer. No. Sarah, what did you put?
SARAH: I think the answer I’m going to give is when you sent me flowers, thanks Alice Oseman.
KAYLA: I knew that’s you were going to say but it’s not—what else did you write?
SARAH: I wrote before that, I wrote, “brought me cookies in my bed.”
KAYLA: That is the correct answer. You keep going with the wrong one. You need to go with what you write first Sarah.
SARAH: *incoherent noise*
KAYLA: Let me tally the scores while you sit there and be sad.
SARAH: I hate myself. I’m so upset. If I had gotten things wildly wrong, I’d feel better. But because I was so close on so many, it’s more upsetting.
KAYLA: This is a very close score. Are you ready?
DEAN: Yes.
KAYLA: Dean has 12 points. Sarah has 12.5 points.
DEAN: Okay. Fuck Chris Pratt. If we learned anything about this, it’s that. Fuck Chris Pratt.
KAYLA: Which one did you get half a point on? I can’t even remember why you did that?
SARAH: I got half a point on Superfruit is the artist that most encapsulates your music taste I believe?
KAYLA: It might have been.
SARAH: I believe that’s where you gave me the half.
KAYLA: Well everyone, seems pretty tied, but Sarah did win.
DEAN: That’s not *sighs*.
KAYLA: How is it not fair?
DEAN: Fuck Chris Pratt.
(40:00)
SARAH: Dean I will admit I think we both struggled through this quiz.
DEAN: Oh yes absolutely.
KAYLA: What I’ve learned is neither of you know me.
DEAN: Fucking pico de gallo man.
KAYLA: I don’t think either of you know me and you’re the only two people I talk to so this is a real disappointment for us all I think.
SARAH: Well do you know me?
KAYLA: Yes.
DEAN: Counterpoint, while I may have technically lost, I did say Chris Pine.
KAYLA: Maybe you got the moral victory is what you’re saying
DEAN: I think I did.
SARAH: I meant Chris Pine and everyone here fucking knows it.
KAYLA: Well next time we’ll see who knows Sarah better, me or Dean. I think that’ll go really well.
DEAN: And then you guys can do me.
KAYLA: Who knows you better, me or Sarah?
DEAN: Yeah.
KAYLA: Interesting.
DEAN: Yeah but me and Sarah are going to spend the entire week leading up to it FaceTiming.
KAYLA: Interesting. And you think that’s going to make up for me and Sarah knowing each other for five years. Six years? Five years.
DEAN: I was talking about when you guys do me. I’m not going to win that one.
KAYLA: Interesting. Well folks, I don’t think anyone really won, including me.
SARAH: I’m sad. My gut is wrong.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean you still won.
SARAH: But it doesn’t feel like a victory.
DEAN: It shouldn’t.
SARAH: When you accidentally say Chris Pratt is the best Chris you’ve made a deep dark terrifying mistake.
KAYLA: That ruins everything doesn’t it? Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: What’s our poll this week?
DEAN: Now all the Avengers are going to come down on your podcast like “how dare you disrespect—”
KAYLA: Yeah Robert Downey Junior’s going to get mad at me for saying Chris Pratt—
SARAH: Well I know he listens.
KAYLA: He does, he’s an avid fan.
SARAH: We could say who deserved to win? Sarah or Dean?
KAYLA: We’ll put out a poll saying “Before you listen, who do you think is going to win?”
SARAH: Hmm yeah. That’s good.
DEAN: I think.
SARAH: What do you think?
DEAN: I was going to say, the initial poll I’ll probably get destroyed in but people will come to my side at the end.
KAYLA: I don’t know that they will. I think our audience cares more about Sarah than they care about you, unfortunately.
DEAN: Well the real question is, do they care about care about Pine or Pratt more?
KAYLA: Some of them might not care.
SARAH: I’m just sitting here contemplating my existence.
KAYLA: Does that ruin your day?
SARAH: It really did. Look what you’ve done to me. Kayla what’s your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: I’m still writing.
SARAH: Dean, what’s your beef and your juice this week?
DEAN: Okay. Hold on. Sarah, what’s your beef and your juice this week?
SARAH: I wrote down some beef that I’m not going to say because you know what the beef is. My other beef is that I accidentally said Pratt when I meant Pine. We all know we meant Pine. I was thinking of his strikingly blue eyes and the letter P and for some reason, Pratt is what came out of my pen. My juice is Stacey Abrams and community organizers that’s all.
KAYLA: Do you want me to go? My beef is America. I think that’s enough said there. My juice is that I—when you’re listening to this—I start my new job tomorrow. And they sent me all of my work from home equipment because I’m a permanent remote worker now. And it just felt like second Christmas to get a bunch of packages of random electronics. Felt fun. I did a haul for Sarah, it was very exciting for us all.
SARAH: She did.
DEAN: I think our beeves are all going to be pretty similar. My juice is that I’d been trying for several weeks very hard to get a PS5 and I was finally able to unbox it this week. I’ve started playing the Spiderman game and—
KAYLA: It’s very entertaining to watch.
DEAN: Very entertaining to watch the game or very entertaining to watch me combust as I play the game?
KAYLA: As you know I don’t like when you yell at the TV. It makes me upset. So I don’t like that part but it is an entertaining game to watch be played by someone who happens to yell too much at the TV.
(45:00)
DEAN: More importantly is that every time we wanted to watch anything on TV we would have to hook it up to my computer and—
KAYLA: Now we don’t.
DEAN: Now I don’t have to do that.
KAYLA: Plus the controller is wild, it vibrates a ton, it has a little touch pad on it. It’s pretty crazy.
DEAN: It’s like a 70 dollar controller.
KAYLA: We’re going to have to buy another one.
SARAH: Ooh.
DEAN: Yeah.
KAYLA: Very fancy stuff happening.
SARAH: Oooh. Oooh. Dean is there anyone you want to promote? Anything? Anyone? Yourself? New PS5? The concept of Chris Pine’s blue eyes?
DEAN: Yeah I mean those eyes man.
SARAH: Get lost in em.
KAYLA: You could shout out your brother.
DEAN: Oh yeah, my brother Peter yesterday was in DC because he’s been doing a series of videos where he makes fun of a certain kind of breed of Trump supporters if you will that ignore all facts and so he went to DC to interview people and actually see what they were thinking about the whole thing. And little did he know. He wasn’t near the Capitol. He was near the Washington monument and they got out of the city before they locked it down and everything. Yeah, shout out to my brother who is an absolute slut for content.
KAYLA: I’ll say where you can find him. I’ll do it. I’m finding it.
SARAH: We’re just going to sit here with dead air.
KAYLA: If you want to follow him on Twitter it’s @jpscattini. If you want to follow him on TikTok, it is, hold on, I want to make sure I have it. It’s tillary.clinton. He also has a YouTube. Anyway he has a bunch of videos from protests in NYC when those were happening more often, and he’s also very funny.
DEAN: He’s much more interesting than me.
KAYLA: Mm hmm.
SARAH: Wildin’. Okay. Great you can tell us about your beef, your juice, your love for Chris Pine’s blue blue eyes on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, soundsfakepod - nope, I did it again. patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We have a new $2 Patron, it’s the letter S. As a concept. Thank you to the letter S. Thank you S. ur $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Perry Fiero, Dee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Bookmarvel, Changeling MX, Simona Sajmon, Jamie Jack, Jessica Shea, Ria Faustino, Daniel Walker, Livvy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, AliceIsInSpace, Skye Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W, Savannah Cozart, Harry Haston-Dougan, SOUP, Amanda Kyker, Vishakh, Jacob Weber, Rory, Amberle Istar, Rachel, Kate Costello, John, Ariel Laxo, Ellie, Tessa, MattiousT, Chris Lauretano, Sam, and Kelly and Scott Ainslie, our new $5 Patrons. I believe Scott Ainslie was a $2 Patron and then bumped up. I believe Scott Ainslie is a 4.50 pound Patron.
KAYLA: It’s true.
SARAH: That does equal more than $5. Thank you to both of you. Our $10 patrons are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, anonymous who would like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote Podcast From Planet Weird, my Aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra who would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug Rice who would like to promote "Native" by Kaitlin Curtice, Maggie Capalbo who would like to promote their dogs Leia and Minnie and also H. Valdís, also, H. Valdis, Purple Chickadee, ichliebevogel.wordpress.com, Barefoot Backpacker, Ashlynn Boedecker, who is @shlynnbo everywhere, The Steve who would like to promote Ecosia, Ari K. who would like to promote Thought Slime's segment The Eyeball Zone, Mattie who would like to promote The Union Series by T.H. Hernandez, Derek and Carissa who would like to promote the overthrow heteronormativity and Andrew Hillum the ADHD, Neurodiversity and ace and aro communities on Twitter, I agree, Andrew. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White - NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Andy A who would like to promote Being in unions and IWW, Martin Chiesel who would like to promote his podcast Everyone’s Special and No One is, true, good, and support of aspec identites, Miranda Denton who would like to promote Casa Q, Leila who would like to promote armadillos, that’s the first time I’ve seen that and it’s delightful. Shrubbery who would like to promote the Planet Earth, Dia Chappell who would like to promote the Twitch they now have at twitch.tv/MelodyDia and Dragonfly who would like to promote Chris Pine’s blue, blue eyes. Thanks for listening. Thank you for joining us, Dean. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
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