Ep 19: Accepting Your Sexuality

Hey what's up hello! We're finally back from our holiday break! Today, Kayla and Sarah talk about accepting their sexuality and the controversial question of 'if you could change your sexuality, would you?'

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Transcript

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SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA: And a straight girl (that’s me, Kayla)

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: accepting your sexuality.

BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.

*Intro music*

SARAH: Hi.

KAYLA: We’re back.

SARAH: I hope you enjoyed your two weeks off. Honestly, we hope you survived your two weeks off of this pod.

KAYLA: If you’re anywhere in America – It’s snowing in Florida right now. If you’re anywhere in America, I hope you’re surviving the cold.

SARAH: Right now, I think it’s in the negative Fahrenheit outside. It was -1° Fahrenheit when I went to class. It’s currently – Oh, it’s 5° Fahrenheit, which for those of you who speak Celsius, that’s -12°, -15°?

KAYLA: I don’t do Celsius, I don’t know. 

SARAH: I have some friends who I send snaps to, that do Celsius – 

KAYLA: Oh, she’s international.

SARAH: Because you know how on snaps, you can now put it in Fahrenheit and Celsius? So I’ve been doing both. Hold on, I’m going to check what it is.

KAYLA: While she checks, the fun part of the house that me and Sarah live in – 

SARAH: Oh, it’s -17°C.

KAYLA: The house that me and Sarah live in at school, the pantry isn’t insulated, it’s like an add-on – 

SARAH: Oh no, it’s only 1°F. It’s not 5°F, it’s 1°F. My computer’s wrong.

KAYLA: Oh my God, shut up.

SARAH: Okay.

KAYLA: The pantry’s not insulated, it’s just an add-on to the house, and we have a fridge in there and me and one of our other roommates keep our food in there. Fridges, I was led to believe, are supposed to be airtight, however everything in that fridge is frozen, even if it’s not in the freezer. My milk had ice chunks in it, because basically the fridge is just sitting outside. 

SARAH: Your lettuce was frozen.

KAYLA: My lettuce was not crunchy in the good way. So that’s an update.

SARAH: Also, East Coast are getting hit by a bomb cyclone.

KAYLA: We’re going to get hit by the outside of it, like the – 

SARAH: The wings?

KAYLA: The wings, the hurricane arms. So it’s basically like a snow hurricane, that’s what it is.

SARAH: Well, isn’t it supposed to be above freezing again next week? Which doesn’t make sense. 

KAYLA: I don’t know.

SARAH: Because it’s currently in the single digits and negative.

KAYLA: I’ve kind of decided not to look at the weather anymore.

SARAH: Oh. Well, I’m honestly kind of mad it’s supposed to go over freezing, because if you’re going to stay cold, that’s fine but just stay cold. 

KAYLA: I disagree, I’d like it to get warmer.

SARAH: Okay. I’m fine with the cold probably for a couple of weeks, and then I want it to be over.

KAYLA: I’m ready.

SARAH: Anyway, now that we’ve given you a random update on the weather in the Eastern half of the United States –

KAYLA: You’re welcome.

SARAH: Kayla, what are we talking about this week?

KAYLA: So we just got off holiday, we had Christmas and New Year’s off from school.

SARAH: I got my wisdom teeth out.

KAYLA: Sarah over the break from school, got her wisdom teeth out, very exciting. Only two of them though.

SARAH: Only two of them, yes. I’m half way.

KAYLA: Are the other two just going to chill?

SARAH: They’re just up there right now, they’re hanging. They don’t need to be out yet.

KAYLA: Chill. I have a friend that has to get them out one by one.

SARAH: Ew, gross. 

KAYLA: Anyway, we just got off break from school and we’re back, and we’re sad. But for me over the break, it was the first time I had time to sit with myself.

SARAH: Sit with your thoughts.

KAYLA: Sit with my thoughts, which was painful a little bit. I don’t like doing that, I don’t like being alone. But it was my first time sitting with my thoughts, really since I had broken up with my ex in October, so you know – 

SARAH: A little while.

KAYLA: It’s been a while.

SARAH: A lot to unpack.

KAYLA: A lot to process. So I wanted to start with my New Year’s resolution related to sexuality things, and then we’re going to talk about, if you could change your sexuality, would you?

SARAH: Because that’s sort of related.

KAYLA: Yeah, it’s sort of related.

SARAH: When Kayla told me she wanted to do this New Year’s resolution thing, she was like, I know you hate New Year’s resolutions and I’m like no, let me give you a preface.

KAYLA: Sarah’s thoughts on New Year’s resolutions.

SARAH: I think deciding to do things in your life, to make changes in your life, to better yourself and your life and your environment, I think that’s a very good thing. I understand that for a lot of people, the New Year is a good time to do that because you’re reflecting, you’ve just had the holidays, all that fun stuff, so I think that’s all good. However, I just hate it when people are like, oh I want to make this change in my life but I’m going to wait until January.

KAYLA: It’s November and I’m going to wait a couple of months.

SARAH: And it’s like no, if you want to make a change in your life, make it now. If now is the beginning of January, then yeah, sure. I have an issue with people who are like, I’m going to wait three months to make this change in my life. What are you doing? If you want to make a change, make it now. However, it is now the beginning of January.

KAYLA: I think the reason that I’m calling it a New Year’s resolution is because it came about during break, at the time that New Year’s was. Also, it came around because this is the first time I had to do some soul-searching – 

SARAH: Do a think.

KAYLA: Do a thunk. So I think my (pause) –

SARAH: Kayla’s doing weird things with her arms.

KAYLA: Yes. So I guess my New Year’s resolution for the sexuality part of my life – I really don’t have a resolution for any other part of my life, I’m like I don’t give a shit, I’m doing fine, I guess.

SARAH: I guess.

KAYLA: I’m living, you know? I want to actually accept my sexuality. I want to be like, this is who I am and that’s okay, and we’re not going to be mad about it anymore or be wishy-washy about it. It’s fine.

SARAH: You sent me a text over break, something about you being demi that pissed me off, and I yelled at you and you were like, I’m sorry.

KAYLA: Well, that was before, that was mid me, you know – 

SARAH: I know. But I was like girl, don’t you fucking say that shit. I don’t even remember what it was now.

KAYLA: I remember what it was. So I think part of this came on – So I broke up with my long-term boyfriend in October I think, and I had known during that that I might be demi, just from talking to you about stuff, and I was like huh, that seems like me. But in a long-term relationship, I was like, well it doesn’t matter anymore because I was already having sex with him and it didn’t matter. Thinking back on the process of us starting to have sex and whatever I was like, huh, that seems like that might be me.

SARAH: Seems legit.

KAYLA: But I was still kind of – We talked about it, I think it was episode 5? We talked about the need to identify and that was the first episode that I really talked about it. That episode meant a lot to me because it let me think, and some people that follow us on Twitter who have the same experiences were talking to me about it, and I was like wow, chill.

So for a while, nothing was going on in my life and then I started talking to this kid that I had a class with, and we were kind of seeing each other and I realized how uncomfortable I was being in a casual relationship. At first, I had told myself well, he doesn’t want to commit right now and that’s fine, that’s his thing, whatever. And I was like, I am going to try and do the casual thing because maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone, and maybe it’s just because I’ve never done it before, and I should try it and just see what happens. Maybe I’m just psyching myself out and I’d be fine with it. And then two weeks pass and we started getting into break and I was like, this is awful, this is not what I want, this is bad.  So what I texted you was, I was telling you all this and how frustrated I was, and I told you wouldn’t it be great if I wasn’t demi?

SARAH: And I got mad.

KAYLA: And you got really mad at me. And I was actually, I was crying a little bit at that point because I was just really frustrated about stuff.

SARAH: But I think if you ever text me when you’re crying, you need to send me those single water droplet emojis – 

KAYLA: The one that people use as the thirst emoji?

SARAH: Yes.

KAYLA: Fitting.

SARAH: Just be like, in case you were wondering, here are some water droplet emojis.

KAYLA: Here, have my tears. And then after that, I was thinking some more and I was talking to some old friends of mine who didn’t know a lot about the situation – 

SARAH: Now do you mean friends who are elderly? Or do you mean friends from high school?

KAYLA: High school. Why would it matter if they were elderly? 

SARAH: Listen, you never know - old friends?

KAYLA: Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. 

SARAH: I was talking to some elderly folk from high school.

KAYLA: I wasn’t. Yeah, I was talking to some friends from high school who I hadn’t seen in a while, so we were rehashing our love lives. I basically told them the whole story and going over it again, talking it all out, I was like, yeah. So then after that I was like, you know what? I know this isn’t right for me, I know what I am so I just need to accept it, and I’m still working on it. A little piece of me still wishes, wouldn’t it be great if I wasn’t demi? That part is still there, but my New Year’s resolution is to accept it and be, this is who I am and that’s okay.

SARAH: Yay. (claps) Healthy relationships with your sexuality. 

KAYLA: Yay.

SARAH: I don’t have a New Year’s resolution for my sexuality.

KAYLA: Be. More. Ace.

SARAH: How do I be more ace? I’m pretty ace already.

KAYLA: Uh huh.

SARAH: I feel like I’m already at that point.

KAYLA: Yeah, you already got there. That was like last year’s thing for you.

SARAH: Yeah, I started a lot earlier than you did on that front. But I understand – well, sort of. We’ll get into it as we go into the episode about how different people experience it differently. But that’s a good thing.

(10:00)

If you guys have any New Year’s resolutions, especially if they’re sexuality related, or just resolutions in life that aren’t New Year related, let us know.

KAYLA: Just things you’re working on.

SARAH: I want to know.

KAYLA: I do too.

SARAH: I’m curious. So that’s a thing, but that kind of segues into our topic for this podcast generally, which is if you could change your sexuality, would you? It’s a can of worms. 

KAYLA: So we realize, disclaimer, that you can’t do that.

SARAH: Yeah, you cannot actually change it.

KAYLA: That’s not how it works, you cannot pray the gay away.

SARAH: You can’t. And this is kind of a touchy subject, because a lot of people – It takes a lot to accept your sexuality and so the thought that, would you? It’s like, why are you even asking me that? But then for other people, it’s something that they really don’t like about themselves. I think for most people, that’s just a step in the process. I think ultimately once you reach the point where you’re like, well this is who I am so this is what you’re getting, I feel like once people get to that point, generally most people wouldn’t want to change their sexuality. 

So I think this is often a question that maybe people might ask themselves as they’re in that discovery period, because it can get frustrating. It’s definitely a different story for people – I imagine it’s quite a different experience for someone who’s demi than for me.

KAYLA: Yeah. I would say for me, I’m very much still in a point in my discovery and my accepting myself that I don’t know if I would, but I do have a thought in my mind that life would be easier if I wasn’t. That’s still something that I’m working on not thinking anymore. Which is like, when I texted you “Wouldn’t it be great if I wasn’t demi?” I’m very much still kind of in that place and I think a lot of that for me has to do with being at college, because even if it isn’t the majority of people that are part of hook-up culture, it’s so mainstream now.

SARAH: It’s a culture.

KAYLA: It does seem like everyone’s participating and obviously not everyone is, but on the outside looking in – 

BOTH: (sing) On the outside, looking in.

KAYLA: Copyright. Anyway, it does very much feel that way and so we talked about this in the other episode – I feel very displaced where I’m not fully conforming to the regular straight community but I very much still don’t really consider myself to be queer. And so I am very much in the stage of this question where I don’t know if I would say yes, I would change it, but I’m not firm in my answer like no, I wouldn’t change my sexuality. 

SARAH: I think for me, because as an aro-ace person I don’t fully understand the world of non-aro-aceness, for me it would honestly be stressful to have a different sexuality. If very suddenly I felt differently, it would be a lot to handle, I think.

KAYLA: Because you have never been socialized in the world of romantic and sexual encounters, so you as a twenty-year-old would all of a sudden be shoved into this world where a lot of people are already socialized to know what’s going on.

SARAH: Exactly. And it’s also a world that, because I’ve never really been a part of it and – Yeah, it is annoying being on the outside of it as we’ve discussed in previous episodes, being outside of that “normal” way of living, regardless of whether you’re straight or gay or whatever, it’s weird. But also, I don’t know how to exist in that space, and I don’t know if I would want to learn how, I don’t know – 

KAYLA: It’s a lot.

SARAH: For me it’s like, what would the point be in changing my sexuality? It just seems like effort.

KAYLA: You’re already out here.

SARAH: I don’t know. It seems like the sort of thing where, I might be more normative to the rest of society if I had a different sexuality but also, I wouldn’t want to, I would think. Because I’m at the point where what I am makes sense to me and even if other people are like, what the fuck are you doing? I’m like – 

KAYLA: My best

SARAH: Sorry. 

SARAH: (groans)

KAYLA: Sorry, I just cracked my neck and Sarah really hates it.

SARAH: I hate it when you crack your neck sideways.

KAYLA: I can’t crack it any other way. (clicking sound) Ew, stop. That grossed me out.

SARAH: (laughs)

KAYLA: I think for me, because I’m straight, to me when I first thought about demi I thought you were always bi I guess? Maybe it’s just because I know someone I think that’s demi-bi, I don’t know. But for me, I’m the opposite of what you are, like it would be effort learn about that, I’m very much so in the middle. I’m still straight, I still have sexual attraction once I get there, I’ve had sex, I’ve done that part and then there’s the demi part so I’m like, I already know both parts so it wouldn’t be a huge change, you know?

SARAH: Yeah. Do you feel like if you had a different sexuality either way, do you feel like you would feel more a part of a community?

KAYLA: If I wasn’t demi-straight, I think I would actually feel part of the queer community. If I wasn’t demi, I would say I would probably just feel like more of your normative straight person, I guess. But I also have a lot of friends that also don’t do hook-up culture or anything for religious reasons, or just for personal reasons, not because they’re demi. Like I said, I realize not everyone is like, hook-up culture and whatever and that’s very much not how it is but it kind of feels like it. I also realize that there’s other people that aren’t like that for other reasons than what I am, I guess.

SARAH: Yeah. And I feel like a lot of the reason why people really – Once you get to the point where you accept your sexuality, a lot of people are really proud of it and I think there’s two reasons for that. I think it’s one of like, well you’re not normal so a lot of people who have any trait that isn’t considered normative, once they accept that, they’re very proud of it because you’re different from other people and it’s like hey, that makes me dope.

Speaking of which, total topic change. I had a class this morning and it was like, first day of discussion section, let’s introduce ourselves and give a fun fact.

KAYLA: Gross.

SARAH: And this one kid was like, my fun fact is that my eyes are different colors.

KAYLA: (gasps) I love people – 

SARAH: He had a brown eye and a blue eye.

KAYLA: I don’t know what this has to do with anything, but I love when people have different color eyes.

SARAH: I just thought of people being different.

KAYLA: Interesting. I once met a dog that had different color eyes. He lived in our house for a little bit and he was a little bitch, but he was cute. 

SARAH: Well, he was a boy so technically he’s not a bitch.

KAYLA: He was a son of a bitch.

BOTH: (laugh)

SARAH: Anyway, I think the other reason why people would really take offense even to being asked that question of “Do you want to change your sexuality?” is because of that community that forms, and you form this community, you meet these people who are like, we’re all not “normal”, and that’s cool. You create relationships whether that’s romantic or platonic with these people and then it’s like, well I have this community so why would I want to give that up?

KAYLA: And I think a lot of times when people would ask this question, if they were on the outside of the community, it would almost seem like they were asking them because it wasn’t okay that they were queer. Like, wouldn’t you want to change it because something’s wrong with you? I think that connotation comes with the question. Obviously, that’s not where we’re coming from, but I think that’s one of the reasons maybe that it’s kind of a touchy question.

SARAH: And I think the real question here is not “Would you want to be attracted to men rather than women?” Or “Would you want to be attracted to people in general?” I think it’s more of a question – When people are asking it, I think a lot of times they either mean that or they very innocently mean “Wouldn’t you rather avoid the stigma?” and all this bad stuff that comes with – 

KAYLA: Yeah, because it would be easier, I think. I don’t know if it’s that problematic to say that life would be easier if either everyone was straight because that’s what’s accepted, or if everything – In your ideal world, wouldn’t it be great if every sexuality was accepted and it would be great? But in the world we live in now – 

SARAH: That’s just not the case.

KAYLA: I would have to think life would be easier growing up if you were already what was accepted. Because you wouldn’t have to deal with people being assholes.

SARAH: And that’s the norm, and so that’s why most of my life I thought I was straight.

(20:00)

KAYLA: Yeah, because you didn’t know any different. 

SARAH: But I imagine that’s even worse I guess for people who know from a young age that they’re not straight because you grow up with this idea of like, I’m not correct and this is wrong. And that is just, as we said, it’s a part of accepting your sexuality. But you know, some people never really do accept their sexuality. You hear a lot of these people that are really homophobic, for example I don’t remember his name but that one congressman – 

KAYLA: The Ohio congressman.

SARAH: That’s what I was thinking of.

KAYLA: I hope you all have heard of this, this Ohio congressman who was a “family values” advocate – 

SARAH: He was very homophobic.

KAYLA: Super homophobic, what an asshole. And he was caught having sex with a man in his congressman office – 

SARAH: And he resigned.

KAYLA: He resigned. My question – off topic a little bit – for that whole thing, if you’re going to do that, why in your office?

SARAH: Away from his wife, away from his family?

KAYLA: Do you not rent a motel maybe? Like, come on guy.

SARAH: I don’t know. And I think the guy he was having sex with, I think they said he wasn’t an employee, he was just a guy.

KAYLA: See? You just brought in some random guy to your office.

SARAH: I could be wrong, it could have been an intern or something.

KAYLA: Yikes. Why would you have sex with him?

SARAH: I don’t know man, maybe the guy he was having sex with also was repressing everything.

KAYLA: Yeah, that’s a good point.

SARAH: Could be the case. A lot of times – that’s not to say that all times, because some people are just really homophobic and gross but a lot of times, [when] you see people who are really homophobic, it’s because they’re repressing a part of them that they think is wrong.

KAYLA: It is pretty common.

SARAH: So that’s just – Society’s fucked up but I would imagine that those people would love to change their sexuality because I mean, they’re faking it. Faking it sounds horrible.

KAYLA: It sounds like a lot of work.

SARAH: Faking it for your whole life. God.

KAYLA: That seems really unhappy. My question always, and maybe this is a bad thing to think about, but my thing always with people like the congressman is, he has kids.

SARAH: Yes.

KAYLA: You can’t have sex and impregnate someone without being turned on.

SARAH: Yeah. Well, we talked about this a couple of episodes ago.

KAYLA: I guess your body still works.

SARAH: Your body still works.

KAYLA: For me, I don’t know. If I was repressing that I was gay, I think any straight sex would be stressful, you know?

SARAH: I don’t know, you do what you’ve got to do I would imagine, if you’re that intent on hiding it, on making it seem like you’re straight.

KAYLA: I guess. Maybe you just think gay thoughts. 

SARAH: Incredible. But yeah, I also think that’s not really a question you should ask someone is whether or not they want to change their sexuality.

KAYLA: No, you shouldn’t ask someone that, unless it’s me asking you, someone who we talk about this stuff often and we trust each other that we’re not coming from that kind of place. Don’t ask people that.

SARAH: It’s a little bit of a problematic question, but I think it is important to think about the reasoning behind people who say yes, it’s often just because they don’t accept their own sexuality. I think anyone who says yes is someone who’s just not there yet with who they are.

I think if you’re a straight person or you’re not a part of any marginalized community, that might be hard to understand that like, yes, it’s the fucking worst having to deal with people thinking your sexuality’s not real or thinking that it’s wrong or thinking that you’re going to hell and you’re going to burn. Yeah, that’s not fun but it’s a part of yourself and there’s this community that comes along with it and it’s a trade-off. In general, if you’re in a positive community that’s a very good experience. It’s a weird thing about being ace though is that I don’t know very many ace people – 

KAYLA: You actually do.

SARAH: I know a fair number but I don’t know them super well.

KAYLA: You don’t talk about ace things.

SARAH: The ace people I know, I’m not BFFs with them and that’s fine, I still like them as people.

KAYLA: They’re very nice people. 

SARAH: But the interesting thing about the ace community is – I think this may previously have been the case with the gay community but maybe not so much anymore, but it’s still definitely true of the ace community, is when we meet another ace person, we’re like “Ha! This is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me!”.

KAYLA: Another one.

SARAH: And so the ace community I feel, at least on the internet, is pretty tight-knit because we’re dealing with shit from so many sides. Because we’re not just dealing with shit from straight people, we’re dealing with shit from gay people or just the LGBTQ+ community in general who either think a) our sexuality’s not real or b) literally people will be like, well you don’t experience as much discrimination as the rest of us.

KAYLA: I know. 

SARAH: And it’s like, fuck off. It’s not a contest.

KAYLA: That’s another thing too, how I said I don’t really feel like I’m part of the queer community? Because the weird thing is, and maybe it’s just because I’ve been on our Tumblr and so I see a lot of stuff, I would kid of say I feel like I’m part of the aspec community, but I don’t feel part of the queer community. Which is – The weird thing that I feel is the aspec community and the queer community, there is this weird dissonance. 

SARAH: I mean, there is. I have that struggle as well too. I think I’ve talked about this before, I don’t feel super comfortable using the word queer to describe myself, because of past interactions I’ve had and people not thinking that’s okay. Also, because when you say queer, people jump to gay, or at least in some way attracted to people of the same gender. So [in] my family, there’s a pretty high number of people who are on the LGBTQA+ spectrum – 

KAYLA: You have so many queer people in your family, it’s actually astonishing. It goes over the average – 

SARAH: It’s above average. 

KAYLA: It’s incredible. And I have like, zero that I know of in my family, so you just took all of mine.

SARAH: I think also it’s just because my family is very accepting of people on that spectrum, and so [we’re] more likely to come out, more likely to be chill with it. So there’s a lot of us, and they used to take pictures that were like, the Costello Gays and they would do this at a lot of family events. At the most recent, well, the most recent two family events where such a picture was taken, the first one I wasn’t part of the picture, because it was right after I’d come out. It had previously been called the gays, it was the picture of the gays, and I was like, I’m not gay, I’m not a part of that. But then the most recent time that picture was taken – The thing is not everyone in my family knew I was ace, I was out but it’s not like I had been like, hi everyone.

KAYLA: Your coming out was pretty subtle.

SARAH: Yeah. So me and another one of my cousins, who is on the LGBTQA+ spectrum but is not exclusively gay, were both like okay, well we kind of want to be in this picture but also, it’s a little bit of a weird thing. I believe it got changed to the queers picture, not just the gay picture. I told my cousin when they were taking the picture, I was like, they’re taking the gay picture, do you want to be in it with me? And she was like, yeah. But the issue then with that was we were in the picture and my cousins were like, oh cool, more of us but also there’s the assumption that that means that I’m gay – 

KAYLA: Yeah, do they know what you are?

SARAH: One or two of them asked my mom and she told them. I told her she could, I was like, if they ask you, you’re welcome to tell them, whatever. But I don’t know if they all know for sure, and I don’t know who knows what, also.

KAYLA: Maybe you should just wear the shirt I got you to your next family function.

SARAH: Perfect. But it was this question of like, well they probably assume that me being in the community means that I’m in some way attracted to women.

KAYLA: You were also wearing a suit.

SARAH: I was wearing a suit which was very gay of me. 

KAYLA: It was very gay of you. You were also at a gay wedding. 

SARAH: I was at a gay wedding. 

KAYLA: I love your family.

SARAH: But there is that weird discrepancy between the two communities and I definitely feel like I belong more in the ace community than I belong in the general LGBTQA+ community. I mean, I’ve never been to a Pride and I want to go to a Pride, but I’m also afraid to go to a Pride. 

KAYLA: I feel like if I ever went to a Pride, I would go as an ally. If there was an ace gathering, I might be like, hey, but I also, same. Maybe we should just go to a Pride together and be uncomfortable together. Yay.

SARAH: Yay. Also, I think we’ve talked about this before but a lot of Prides are very much like – 

KAYLA: Gay, gay, gay, gay.

SARAH: Gay a lot, but also people being very sexual and embracing that, and that’s chill, but that’s also not who I am as a person.

(30:00)

KAYLA: Yeah, that’s great, that just doesn’t include ace spectrum people. 

SARAH: And that’s part of the issue is that there’s this discrepancy between the two communities. So I would definitely say – Here’s an interesting question. 

KAYLA: Here it is. (pause) Where is it?

SARAH: It’s kind of a horrible question.

KAYLA: Oh my God. This whole podcast has been horrible questions.

SARAH: It’s slightly problematic, but you know. If you had to change your sexuality, would you rather be straight or be able to stay in an LGBTQA+ community? Because I don’t know.

KAYLA: If I had to change my sexuality, would I either be straight or somehow queer?

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: I mean, I would say straight because I am, and so that’s not really changing my sexuality.

SARAH: That’s true. For me I think it’s a bigger question.

KAYLA: For you it’s a bigger thing because for me, no matter how much I identify as demi, I’m still at the base of it straight. 

SARAH: Yeah. I don’t know, because I feel like if I felt like I was more a part of the general queer community I would be like, yeah, I wanna be queer, hell yeah. But I don’t feel super welcome in that community, I feel welcome by some people but not others. I mean, it’s not a question I can really answer but – 

KAYLA: I can. It’s not really a good question for you.

SARAH: Obviously, we said at the beginning, we know you can’t change your sexuality – 

KAYLA: You cannot.

SARAH: And if you are out there being still in the path to accepting your sexuality, I would say girl, boy, non-binary human, keep moving forward. Do not try and get hung up on being like well, if I were this, if I were that. Because that’s unhealthy and that’s not a good way to be happy.

KAYLA: Also, I’m with you. I am on my trek, I’m on my journey. This is still a hurdle I have to get over so you know, it’s okay. 

SARAH: I think having the two of us talking about this is interesting because you’re still on the trek but I’m like, I’m there.

KAYLA: You know what you are to me? You’re like my gay mom. 

SARAH: Oh my God.

KAYLA: You know in drag houses, there’s the mom?

SARAH: Sort of?

KAYLA: We should watch – It’s a documentary about the drag community from the Seventies, it’s really good. But basically, there’s a house mom and then there’s all the children. You’re like my gay mom. 

SARAH: Incredible. What I was going to say was that if you are still on that journey, as someone who has been through that journey, and is on the other side, it’s so much better to just keep moving forward. 

KAYLA: Oh my God, it’s like we’re walking across a bridge and we’re like, Sarah, I’m coming and we’re all just walking. I’m imagining the bridge from Thor, the rainbow one, the gay one.

SARAH: I was imagining that line where it’s like, “Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home”, the aces and the queers will always be there to welcome you home.

KAYLA: Ow, my abs hurt. Sarah made me do abs and now I’m laughing and now they hurt.

SARAH: Sorry.

KAYLA: You’re not.

SARAH: It’s an interesting thing to think about, especially because right now we don’t really know why people are queer – 

KAYLA: Like, scientifically.

SARAH: Yeah, we don’t know why. But I think, yes, it’s an interesting thing to think about but I think at the end of the day, the most healthy thing to do is to just try and get to the point where you can accept your sexuality, and that’s not going to be necessarily easy for everyone. I think it was perhaps easier for me than it is for other people, and I’m sure there are people who found it even easier than I did.

KAYLA: It’s a spectrum.

SARAH: Everything’s a spectrum. Incredible. I just think it’s a process, and I would say, don’t get too hung up on what you’re not, because you can’t change it. As much as you try and change it, you might just end up getting caught in your office having sex with a guy and then have to resign from Congress.

KAYLA: Or you could be like me and be like, I can handle this casual relationship and then you realize, this is an anxiety trigger, and then you puke about it.

SARAH: But then you did the healthy thing and said okay, I can’t do this.

KAYLA: Then you said “No, no, no.” And then you stopped puking.

SARAH: And then you stopped puking. 

BOTH: Yay (clapping).

SARAH: Do you have anything to add? 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: If I want to be super sentimental about it, I’m very glad that we started this podcast – 

SARAH: Hell yeah.

KAYLA: Because it’s helped me with this.

SARAH: You’re welcome.

KAYLA: It’s also been fun and I really like it. 

SARAH: Oh my God, don’t say nice things to me in my presence.

KAYLA: I’m about to say a nice thing to you.

SARAH: Oh no.

KAYLA: Are you going to get uncomfortable about it?

SARAH: Probably, you can say it anyway though.

KAYLA: Okay. I just – I don’t know. I’m getting a little emotional about it. You’ve helped me a lot with this and you’ve taught me a lot. 

SARAH: I better have, bitch.

KAYLA: I’m crying, squirt squirt squirt emoji.

SARAH: Don’t cry. Do you want me to pour water on your head?

KAYLA: Yes. I don’t feel like washing my hair.

SARAH: I don’t – We’re on my bed. I don’t want to have my bed be wet. 

KAYLA: But you coming out – We’ve been roommates since our freshman year, and you came out the summer after our freshman year I think.

SARAH: I remember, first semester of our freshman year, the way our room was set up was in a way that my desk was facing away from the door – 

KAYLA: You were in a corner.

SARAH: If I was sitting at my desk, you could see my screen if you walked in the door. I remember there were one or two times where I was sitting on my computer, looking up things about the ace community and I was like, what if Kayla comes in?

KAYLA: What the fuck would I care? 

SARAH: No, I knew you wouldn’t care, it was more so just I’m not ready yet for that.

KAYLA: Yeah, you weren’t there yet.

SARAH: I just remember that clearly.

KAYLA: That’s funny. That’s cute. I don’t know, I’m very thankful to you, you’ve taught me a lot about the ace community and you taught me what demi was and you have been there to talk about it and I just – 

(fake crying)

SARAH: How fucking dare you? 

BOTH: (laugh)

SARAH: For me, it’s also been a little bit weird because I haven’t had any real ace mentors in this process.

KAYLA: Oh my God, you’re my little mentor.

SARAH: Oh fuck off. So it’s been me having to figure it out for myself, and obviously there’s all sorts of really good resources, a lot of which we’ve talked about before on the pod. But for me, I had to figure it out all on my own and I’m glad you don’t have to.

KAYLA: Awww. We’re gross.

SARAH: (groans)

KAYLA: I don’t like you.

SARAH: Can we have a really horrible poll, a really gross poll this week to make up for that mushiness?

KAYLA: What do you mean by gross?

SARAH: Not like, gross, just completely unrelated.

KAYLA: Yeah. Uh – 

SARAH: Honestly, there are no polls we could do this week that wouldn’t appear problematic to someone who hadn’t listened.

KAYLA: I was thinking about this episode and I was like, well we could do “Would you change your sexuality, yes or no?” But we’re not going there without context.

SARAH: We’re not doing that. Hold on, wait. We don’t have a poll yet. I don’t know if you all know, but a lot of times when we do the poll, if we don’t come up with one right away, we literally have to pause and sit – 

KAYLA: We pause the recording and then we just sit.

SARAH: We don’t pre-prepare polls.

KAYLA: We don’t. I pre-prepared what the poll shouldn’t be this time.

SARAH: Yeah, you did. But anyway, we were talking about a poll, we don’t have a poll yet, we’ll get back to you. However, speaking of cows – Throwback to the very beginning of this pod. Also, for those of you who haven’t heard the first couple of episodes, you’re probably really confused about why the last line of every pod is “Take care of your cows”.

KAYLA: So do you want to explain that first? Or make people go back and listen to it? 

SARAH: No, you’ve got to listen. It has to do with beef.

KAYLA: Oh shit, you have to go back and listen.

SARAH: Anyway, my dad sent a text to our family group chat yesterday about a cow that was on the loose in the area where we live.

KAYLA: I want to meet it.

SARAH: We live – It’s like a city, like a college town city place.

KAYLA: It’s very much so a city.

SARAH: But then outside of that, once you leave the limits, it gets kind of rural and farm-y.

KAYLA: Rural juror. 

SARAH: And I guess a cow, or maybe two, got loose?

KAYLA: What if they were eloping? 

SARAH: Well they got shot by the police.

KAYLA: (shocked) No. What?

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: This is like Remember the Titans all over again. 

SARAH: They found the cows but in standard American fashion – 

KAYLA: Why didn’t they wrangle them?

SARAH: Instead of trying to wrangle them, they shot them.

KAYLA: That seems like – 

SARAH: I don’t know because cows are pretty chill.

KAYLA: Was it a cow or a bull?

SARAH: It was a cow. I don’t know why they shot it.

KAYLA: I’m so mad.

SARAH: Honestly, I didn’t read the article, I just wanted to vent.

KAYLA: I’m pissed. Cows are chill, there was no reason it was threatening you.

SARAH: Unless the cow started running at them.

KAYLA: Yeah, unless it was about to trample a child.

SARAH: I think there’s no reason to have shot the cows.

KAYLA: Oh my god, I’m so mad.

SARAH: The American police – 

KAYLA: I don’t want to talk about it.

SARAH: I don’t either. Anyway, a poll. We’ll get back to you. It’s no time for you, but several minutes for us. 

KAYLA: Please hold.

SARAH: BRB.

Okay, we have one.

(40:00)

KAYLA: We’re back.

SARAH: We seriously entertained the thought of having a poll about what your favorite vine is.

KAYLA: So please tell us anyway, but that’s not the poll.

SARAH: My favorite is the “a child” vine. 

KAYLA: The one I’ve been singing since two days ago is “Two dudes –“

BOTH: “Sitting in a hot tub, five feet apart cos they’re not gay”.

KAYLA: That’s what I’ve been singing for the last two days.

SARAH: Anyway, that’s not our poll.

KAYLA: That’s not the poll. 

SARAH: Our poll is –

KAYLA: But RIP Vine.

SARAH: Well, it’s coming back, but I don’t want it to.

KAYLA: But probably not well.

SARAH: It’s probably not going to be good. Our poll this week is – what is the question? It’s basically - that wasn’t a sentence.

KAYLA: It wasn’t. 

SARAH: Anyway, it’s how many queer people are in your family? 

KAYLA: LGBTQA+ people. 

SARAH: Not your friend group, we’re talking family.

KAYLA: And not nuclear family, just you, your parents and your family – 

SARAH: Extended family.

KAYLA: We’re talking cousins, aunts and uncles, that family.

SARAH: So zero, one, two to five, six or more. For me, it’s six or more.

KAYLA: Do I count?

SARAH: Yes. 

KAYLA: One.

BOTH: Hell, yeah. 

KAYLA: That I know of. 

SARAH: That’s true. And for me, the six or more is also including significant others of people who I’m related to, some of which are just a boyfriend or girlfriend, some of which are fiancés, some of which are married. That’s fun, we’ve got everything on there.

KAYLA: You sure do. 

SARAH: It’s wild. 

KAYLA: I love gays.

SARAH: Because I’m just kind of curious what your families are like.

KAYLA: What’s the average, like one out of however many people is gay?

SARAH: They say one in ten. I’d like to have a recount, because it’s like how the ace community, there’s only really been one survey of ace people and that was in the Seventies on accident. 

KAYLA: I’m in a survey research class and we’re not allowed to do, for our final project surveys, just about frequency. But I was thinking about doing something about the ace community, somehow.

SARAH: That would be dope.

KAYLA: What was the survey we were going to send out to our people one time, and then we never did? 

SARAH: I don’t remember. 

KAYLA: Well if I remember it, I could do that.

SARAH: Cool.

KAYLA: Interesting.

SARAH: Got to go back and listen to all our pods.

KAYLA: It’s bad, I think we’re so funny that I get sucked in. It’s so narcissistic to say, maybe it’s just because obviously my sense of humor is the same as my sense of humor, so I think it’s funny listening to us.

SARAH: Over break I listened to a little snippet of every single – You know, I don’t think I listened to a snippet of Dick Pics.

KAYLA: That’s too bad.

SARAH: I know. Anyway – 

KAYLA: We’re funny.

SARAH: So that’s the pod – the pod? – the poll. I’m killing it. That’s the poll, it is number of queer people self-identifying LGBAQ+, LG – Wow, I’m really struggling. LGBTQA+ folk in your family. Zero, one, two-five, six or more.

KAYLA: Where can you find it?

SARAH: You can find that poll on our Twitter @soundsfakepod. I actually checked – We get a notification every time we get a new follower, but I checked for the first time in a while our number of followers and I’m like, wow. We have a couple. 

KAYLA: It’s almost 60, I think. 

SARAH: Yeah. We follow more than follow us, but let’s be real, my personal Twitter is also like that.

KAYLA: Yeah, my ratio’s not great.

SARAH: No one follows me on my Twitter.

KAYLA: Also, on Tumblr I think we have almost 60 followers.

SARAH: Wow. You can find our Tumblr at soundsfakepod.tumblr.com.

KAYLA: Recently I queued a post that said “swords are ace culture sorry I didn’t make this up” and I queued it because Sarah has – 

SARAH: Oh my God, there’s a sword in my room. It’s over there.

KAYLA: Sarah has several swords.

SARAH: Yeah, I have a sword and it’s nice. Anyway, you can also find our Patreon if you want to give us money. It is patreon.com/soundsfakepod. I forgot about our email. We’re going great, we had two weeks off. You can email us at soundsfakepod@gmail.com in case you want to tell us about your fun things in life – 

KAYLA: You should either tweet or email us about your resolutions, your discovery process. I always get very, very excited when you guys email us, so don’t be a stranger. We’re not scary. (pause) Sarah is scary.

SARAH: But yeah, Patreon. If you want to give us money – Because you know what else I noticed when I was listening to snippets of all our pods? Our audio within the pods is generally OK. It’s not the greatest, sometimes Kayla yells and there’s not much I can do about it to fix it – 

KAYLA: I would be sorry, but I’m not.

SARAH: But our volume from pod to pod varies wildly.

KAYLA: And we are sorry.

SARAH: We’re sorry. But if you want to give us more money, so that maybe we can buy a real mic – Someone offered to let me borrow mics and I was like – 

KAYLA: So much work.

SARAH: It’s just, I like to record the pod in my bed, and it would also just be nice to have our own. Anyway, we don’t have one, but if you want to give us money, and maybe help us acquire one – 

KAYLA: New Year’s resolution, give your favorite podcast more money. 

SARAH: You can go to Patreon – What if they all give their favorite podcast more money, and it’s just not us?

BOTH: (laugh)

KAYLA: Damn it. 

SARAH: Honestly, if I were to give a podcast money, I’d give it to Dear Hank and John. But actually, they don’t use the money for the podcast, they use it for Sci Show and Crash Course.

KAYLA: I don’t know who I’d give it to. I’d give it to like, Ear Hustle. I love that podcast. Amazing.

SARAH: Anyway, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. There are perks and things, we have people who receive perks. $5 patrons we have – 

KAYLA: Good sell, Sarah.

SARAH: Thank you. We have Sydney Mook, her Instagram is @sydneymoo.

KAYLA: Like a cow.

SARAH: Then we have Jennifer Smart, she is – 

KAYLA: Smart.

SARAH: We say the same thing every time, but it’s true. I assume.

KAYLA: She had an internship at – I’ve stalked her. She had an internship at National Geographic so I’m assuming she’s doing pretty okay.

SARAH: You can find her on YouTube, you just look up Lehen Productions. You know, we’ve gone for weeks without capitalizing the P in Productions and that’s annoying me so I just fixed that.

KAYLA: Interesting.

SARAH: Okay. You have Asritha, her Instagram is @asritha_v.

KAYLA: She’s finally back. 

SARAH: Asritha is finally back. I saw her today, I was walking back from class and I was like, I see you – 

KAYLA: I texted her the other day.

SARAH: But then I kept walking because it was very cold outside. Then for our $10 patron we have Emma, and guess what? Emma started her YouTube.

KAYLA: She finally started it and we’re very excited for her.

SARAH: It’s an exciting time, for all of us. Her YouTube is Emma T Fink with spaces in between.

KAYLA: Separate it because that’s her name. 

SARAH: She does weekly videos about organization and productivity.

KAYLA: But she wanted me to remind you that she just started, so she’s still starting out, getting her set up, be nice.

SARAH: Be nice. I mean, you should be nice to people anyway.

KAYLA: And she’s our friend, so fuck off. And I think that’s a good thing, if your New Year’s resolution is to be more organized. Her first video was actually about how to make a good New Year’s resolution.

SARAH: Oh my God.

KAYLA: So you’re fucking set, go check her out.

SARAH: You’re set, go watch her videos. Video. There will be more.

KAYLA: She has a cute cat, maybe it will be in the video.

SARAH: Oh my God. Emma, put your cat in the videos. Thank you for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows. Please don’t shoot them.