Ep 6: Awkward Flirting feat. A Friend

Hey what's up hello! Today Kayla, Sarah, and special guest Miranda talk about unintentional flirting, awkward flirting, and try to flirt with each other. Spoiler alert: it doesn't go well.

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Transcript

SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA: And a straight girl (that’s me, Kayla.) And our special guest – 

MIRANDA: I’m Miranda.

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: Flirting.

BOTH: — Sounds fake, but okay.

*Intro music*

KAYLA: Hey. ASMR

SARAH: I hate you. We’re not doing ASMR. What we are doing is talking about flirting.

KAYLA: And what we are also doing is having our first special guest.

SARAH AND KAYLA: (cheer, clap)

SARAH: Miranda, tell us a bit about yourself.

MIRANDA: I’m Miranda, I’m straight. (laughs) I’m single af. 

SARAH: (laughs) Good.

KAYLA: Nice.

MIRANDA: Mostly because I’m awkward. 

KAYLA: She’s an engineer, so the odds are good – 

SARAH AND KAYLA: But the goods are odd. (laugh)

MIRANDA: Yeah, especially because I’m attracted to other engineers, it’s a problem.

KAYLA: Well okay, because your type is awkward.

MIRANDA: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Which is a problem.

SARAH: Surprisingly athletic and awkward, yeah.

MIRANDA: I am very into cute, surprisingly athletic, awkward fellows, because they tend to have a weird sense of humor that I tend to get.

KAYLA: Which is nice, because that’s all the people in engineering, but it’s also not nice because those people are awkward, and they don’t know what to do – 

MIRANDA: Well, it’s like it would suck to date an engineer, we’re pretty annoying.

KAYLA: You’d both die, because you’re also so busy.

MIRANDA: Oh, that too.

SARAH: Ask my mom.

KAYLA: You’d never see each other. Wait, my parents are both engineers. 

MIRANDA: Well, that’s a lot of people in my family. I could just be like hey, what’s it like dating Uncle So-and-So?

SARAH: Wild.

KAYLA: Awful. 

SARAH: Amazing. Basically, in this episode, we’re talking about flirting which is a topic which I struggle – Here’s the problem, here’s the problem I have. Let me explain you a thing. I never mean to flirt with people, ever.

KAYLA: Why not, Sarah?

SARAH: Because I’m aro-ace.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: Good one. Yeah, I never mean to, but I’ve been told I do sometimes on accident – 

KAYLA: I’ve never witnessed it, but I also know you’re ace, so maybe I never take it that way. 

SARAH: Right.

MIRANDA: But if you look at her texts, it comes across as flirting sometimes.

KAYLA: That’s true.

SARAH: I think I’m being friendly.

KAYLA: You are.

SARAH: Too friendly. 

KAYLA: Too friendly. 

SARAH: I’m a friendly gal. 

KAYLA: Why don’t you – While we’re on the topic of you maybe flirting, Sarah once received the most smooth pick up line I’ve ever heard in my entire life, and she might have instigated – 

MIRANDA: You set him up for it. 

KAYLA: You set him up for it, and it was unfortunate and honestly, it was the smoothest thing ever and if someone said it to me, I would have died and married them. 

SARAH: It was good.

KAYLA: But it was completely wasted.

SARAH: It was. 

MIRANDA: Even if I didn’t like him, he would have gotten my phone number. 

KAYLA: Okay, but even if he was so ugly.

SARAH: Here we are, here it is. So basically, I had a class with this kid and we had written things and we had given each other comments and criticism on it, and he said something about what I’d said about his, and I was like oh, I don’t really remember what I said. And he was like, oh you just added a good comment, and I was like, alright cool, I couldn’t really remember, and he goes, I’ll be sure to fax you a copy to boost your self-confidence. And I foolishly said, I don’t actually know how to receive a fax, but I’ll get on that, and he said you have to have a fax number and a copy machine, but how about I get your phone number and that’ll suffice.

KAYLA AND MIRANDA: Ooooohhhhh.

KAYLA: Smooth.

SARAH: I proceeded to never answer. (laughs)

KAYLA: Which is when we all proceeded to freak the fuck out.

SARAH: If I had known him better, I might have responded but I never – This was the very end of the semester, I hadn’t talked to him all semester and now he just pulls this on me and I’m like, sorry sir.

KAYLA: Honestly, I love it. But the thing is, I know you’re just being friendly, but that was a flirtatious thing to say. 

SARAH: Yeah, I just – 

KAYLA: Because you were playing along with the bit.

SARAH: I was.

KAYLA: Which is a flirtatious thing to do, when you play along with the bit.

SARAH: Yeah. I feel like I’ve got a little better at it, because now I’m aware that I accidentally do it – 

KAYLA: Because everyone tells you.

SARAH: But I sometimes struggle because then it’s like – Basically, I was on a team with a group of people, and there was another person on that team who was gay, and me and that person became pretty good friends. And we would joke around a lot and everyone thought I was gay because everyone thought we were flirting with each other, but we weren’t, and we literally discussed how we weren’t, but we continued to act the same way. And so everyone thought I was gay, and literally a person told them, they were like, don’t date her, you’re going to get your heart broken because she’s going to leave in two months, because this was in Germany – 

KAYLA: Aww.

SARAH: And then they were like, yeah okay, because neither of us were – 

KAYLA: I’ll work real hard on that.

SARAH: Yeah. We both were on the same page, but everyone else just – 

MIRANDA: They shipped it real hard.

KAYLA: The drama.

SARAH: That’s not the first time someone has thought I was gay. 

KAYLA: I mean, you were closer to thinking you were gay than thinking you were straight.

SARAH: True, kind of. I guess.

KAYLA: For another time.

MIRANDA: You say topic for another day. 

SARAH: Topic for another day. But basically, apparently I flirt on accident and I don’t know how to not. 

KAYLA: Just don’t talk to people anymore.

SARAH: Ah, good one. That’s a good one, I think. That’s the best course of action. 

KAYLA: Do you often have people say it more about girls or guys or non-binary people, that people think you’re flirting with?

SARAH: I don’t know. 

KAYLA: Because it might, people might just be like oh, well I’m assuming she’s straight so every time she talks to a guy, I’m going to assume she’s flirting. 

SARAH: Yeah. I feel like times where I have realized in hindsight that it might have come off as flirting, it’s been a guy, but times where people have actually thought something was happening, it’s been a non-male person. 

KAYLA: Wild. 

SARAH: Huh, that’s wild. 

KAYLA: Some fresh input.

SARAH: Some fresh material here on Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast for all of your fresh material needs. 

KAYLA: For those fresh ears of yours.

SARAH: For those fresh ears. But yeah – 

MIRANDA: That’s fresh too many times. 

SARAH: Kayla and Miranda, I have a question to pose. How do you be friendly with someone without flirting with them? Someone you don’t know well.

KAYLA: You know what? I’ve actually had this problem recently. I made a new class friend recently, I honestly want to have him on the podcast, [that’s] a weird thing to say, I just met him but we had a long conversation about queer theory and Norse mythology, and it was grand. But we were sitting at the same table in class, and then we were having a conversation when class ended because we end class with small group discussion. We kept talking on the way out and a little bit when we were walking down the sidewalk, and I was like, usually you don’t do that, you just leave class and don’t talk to anyone and I was worried, I was like oh no, am I being flirtatious? I’m just excited to talk to someone about queer theory and Norse mythology, because this is a very interesting topic and I like what you’re saying, but am I flirting with you?

And then we were talking about new recruits for one of our clubs the other day, and I was telling this kid I thought he was really going to fit in, and I was like should I not – Am I flirting with him?

SARAH: I was there for that, I don’t think that was flirting.

KAYLA: I got concerned.

SARAH: I think that was just nice.

KAYLA: I was like well, here I am. So I don’t know, because recently I’ve had this issue.

SARAH: Then again, knowing me, maybe that was flirting and I just – Me not knowing, going over my head.

KAYLA: It’s hard, because I never have this problem with girls, I’m never like, I can’t say that to a girl and maybe that’s just because I’m straight, but there’s been other class friends where it’s been a thing, where I’m like, I don’t know if they’re flirting with me, I don’t know if we’re just class friends, I have a boyfriend that I’m going to have to unslyly slip that into a conversation just because I’m worried. So I don’t – I have no answer for you. Long story.

SARAH: Miranda, help me.

KAYLA: Miranda, you got it.

MIRANDA: For me I feel like when you just to – I just talk to people in class, but I guess it’s topics that you discuss that come across as flirty or not. 

SARAH: Mmm.

MIRANDA: Most of the time if I’m asking about homework and stuff, I’m not trying to get anywhere with them.

SARAH: So how did #8 go for you? (laughs)

KAYLA: Sexy.

MIRANDA: But I guess it’s – I don’t know because last year, I attempted to flirt with someone by trying to do homework with them, but that’s not really flirting, that’s just giving a chance to hang out with them and get close to them.

KAYLA: That’s just an excuse.

SARAH: Yeah.

MIRANDA: But normally if I’m flirting with someone, it’s like we’re joking about something per se, then it’s more of an inside joke.

KAYLA: That’s what I’m saying about going along with the bit.

SARAH: Right.

MIRANDA: Yeah, because if he starts something and you might not think it’s totally funny but you’re trying to prove something so then you’re just haha, yeah and then you keep going with it.

SARAH: See, the problem I have is, I want to not kill the conversation – I mean, in a lot of these cases, I’m not like, I don’t want to talk to you. Sometimes that is the case. But in some cases, it’s not like I don’t want to talk to you, it’s just I don’t want to be flirting with you. And so I want to continue the conversation so that might be why I just play along with it. You know what I mean?

(10:00)

KAYLA: Well also you can still play along with it and not be flirting.

SARAH: But how? 

KAYLA: That’s the thing.

MIRANDA: Sometimes you’ve just got to shut it down a little quicker, instead of – 

SARAH: I’m not good at that. 

MIRANDA: Well, people I talk to in my class, we talk about class-related things and we don’t get into more intimate details of your life – 

SARAH: Intimate.

MIRANDA: When I was flirting with this kid last year, we were – 

KAYLA: First of all, fuck this kid. I don’t like him anymore. 

SARAH: (laughs)

MIRANDA: Not any more. But when we were texting, there was stuff like we were playing this picture game and we were supposed to give a number and then that picture that was in your album, and then you had to explain it – 

KAYLA: Oh, you did that?

MIRANDA: Yeah, I did that. 

SARAH: I would be so afraid.

KAYLA: I have intimate, intimate – Wow, that’s a lot.

MIRANDA: And there was all these crazy things that we were making attempts to actually talk to each other, whereas friends you can go a while without saying anything and you just see each other and it’s like, hey. 

SARAH: But what if you want to be really good friends? Maybe that’s just me instead of having crushes on people, I just have really intense ‘I want to be your friend’.

MIRANDA: Maybe.

KAYLA: I mean, when I was courting Miranda – 

MIRANDA: (laughs)

KAYLA: And our other friend Evan as friends, I just started a group chat, and I was like, we’re going to be friends now. But I wasn’t trying to talk to them all the time. 

MIRANDA: There’s friends topics and flirting topics, and then there’s also just – 

KAYLA: They overlap.

SARAH: They do overlap.

MIRANDA: They do kind of overlap sometimes. I’m not the greatest at flirting advice, because it’s never ended well. And I’m awkward.

SARAH: Miranda, tell us about your awkward flirting, other than that experience. How does it go for you?

MIRANDA: Well I mentioned that normally I talk to my friends about work and stuff, but I will attempt to flirt through school.

ALL: (laugh)

SARAH: So you’re doing the opposite of what you said earlier to do?

MIRANDA: Yes, because I think it’s the best way to connect with engineers. 

KAYLA: I mean that’s smart. 

MIRANDA: In high school, I would just play along with whatever the other kid was saying that I had a crush on if he said something that was funny, and I did think it was funny because that’s one of the reasons I liked him. But maybe I reacted a little more than I should have – 

KAYLA: Well I feel like everyone does that. (yells) Oh my God, that’s so funny.

MIRANDA: Well not like that.

ALL: (laugh)

KAYLA: You know what I mean. 

MIRANDA: But I’d do stuff where I’d go hey (pause) and then there’s awkward silence.

KAYLA: Why do you do that?

MIRANDA: They’re not responding, this is not on me.

SARAH: Okay, here’s my question – 

MIRANDA: Also, I always had to make the first move in an awkward relationship.

KAYLA: That is because the people you like are awkward. It’s a problem with your type.

SARAH: Here’s the thing, I feel like there’s a big difference in how you approach real life flirting versus over text or messaging. 

KAYLA: Yes.

MIRANDA: You’ve got to be careful how you text. I’m not as awkward over text, but I’m very awkward in person.

SARAH: I feel like in person would be so much harder.

KAYLA: I’m much more outgoing with flirting over text. I’m like, wild.

SARAH: In general with new people, I’m much more outgoing over text than I would be in real life.

MIRANDA: I would describe my flirting as an 8th grade dance.

SARAH: (laughs)

KAYLA: Oh no. 

MIRANDA: It’s that bad. 

SARAH: Amazing.

MIRANDA: And that’s your girl is single. 

SARAH: Leave room for Jesus, Don’t Stop Believing playing, on a dirty floor, Sprite over in the corner.

MIRANDA: You don’t know what to say.

KAYLA: Oh, no. 

MIRANDA: That was what Yule Ball was.

KAYLA: Oh my God, oh no.

SARAH: It was. 

MIRANDA: You witnessed it and then there was that awkward not-hug at the end where we both just kind of eh, eh, and then nothing happened and he walked away.

SARAH: Honestly, amazing. I find that if you have an awkward situation like that, where it’s a hand shake or a hug, you acknowledge the awkwardness and then do the thing.

MIRANDA: Oh yeah, I totally do that.

KAYLA: It’s the only way.

SARAH: You can’t acknowledge and then not do it, you know what I mean? But anyway, Kayla?

KAYLA: Yeah?

SARAH: If 8th grade dance is Miranda’s flirting style, what is yours?

KAYLA: Okay see, here’s the thing I was telling you the other day. I’m boring now because I’m in a long-term relationship, so my current flirting is (pause) I don’t – 

SARAH: (laughs)

KAYLA: Just let me – I go up and touch your butt.

ALL: (laugh)

KAYLA: Because I’ve been dating the same person for a year. 

SARAH: But before that, what was it? How did you start flirting with him over the old Tinder?

KAYLA: Okay, well Tinder was different because I was much more outgoing online, and also he was very – He went for it.

SARAH: Really? 

KAYLA: If you look at our first Tinder conversation, we both used a lot of emojis, I think that was a crutch for how awkward it was. We don’t do that anymore, but he was using a lot of emojis and he was just like, being very flirtorious – 

SARAH: Oh, that’s not a word. Flirtatious is the one you’re looking for.

KAYLA: Flattering.

SARAH: Oh, flattering.

KAYLA: [He would] say a lot of flattering things, like we’re in a theater group, so I had mentioned that to him and he was like, oh I’ll have to look it up online to see a future famous actress, and I was like, oh my God. I’m probably embarrassing him right now, he’s going to get mad.

MIRANDA: That’s what I did when I was texting said person last semester.

KAYLA: But before that, it’s usually – You know how when I’m really good friends with someone, I just mess with them a lot?

SARAH AND MIRANDA: Yeah.

KAYLA: It was just like that. Thinking back to other people before that I’ve flirted with, it was just kind of messing around, and I would probably touch them more physically than a friend.

MIRANDA: I’d like you to know that they all just touched me.

SARAH: (laughs) We both just laid our hand – 

KAYLA: Gently caressed Miranda. 

MIRANDA: I’m not alone or anything.

KAYLA: I don’t have a good – Miranda’s is 8th grade dance, I don’t know what mine is. 

MIRANDA: I feel like you have a bombass analogy.

SARAH: Is yours just punching someone in the face?

KAYLA: Honestly, mine is kind of insulting you.

SARAH: I mean, that’s what you do to me so clearly you’re flirting with me – (loudly) Kayla.

KAYLA: Are we married yet? 

SARAH: Scandalous. Can we get married?

MIRANDA: Are you still my wife?

SARAH: Here’s the problem. 

KAYLA: I was here first. 

SARAH: I’m married to several people. I’m married to my best friend from high school, I’m married to Kayla and I have civil union with Miranda so we have some tensions in this group.

MIRANDA: You caused some tension yesterday with another third party. 

SARAH: I know.

KAYLA: The thing is though, me and Miranda are also married because when Sarah went to study abroad in Germany, me and Miranda got lonely and eloped. 

SARAH: Because they love me.

MIRANDA: This is the best kind of relationship.

SARAH: They love me, so they just took that love and they put it on each other. 

MIRANDA: No, we were angry about you, but we found each other.

SARAH: You found solace? (laughs)

KAYLA: Either way though, me and Sarah were first, that’s all I will say about that.

SARAH: I think we can just do a polyamorous marriage.

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: Like sister-wives. 

KAYLA: Yes. 

SARAH: But none of us are sisters and we’re all just wives. 

MIRANDA: Wife-wives.

SARAH: (laughs) Wife-wives. That’s my favorite kind of wife.

KAYLA: Well, okay, so if Miranda’s 8th grade dance, I’m a boxing match. What is your style of flirting, Sarah?

SARAH: Just accidental, just like tripped over a cord on the ground, and faceplanted into this flirt. I didn’t mean for it to happen, it’s painful, I want out but I’m here now, I’m on the ground.

KAYLA: Escape room. 

MIRANDA: It’s more like you realize it before it’s too late. 

SARAH: Yeah, I mean sometimes it is too late. And then I have to send fish flag emojis, or be very passive-aggressive. I’m a horrible person. 

KAYLA: Explain the fish flag emoji, Sarah. 

SARAH: Okay. My favorite emoji is the fish flag emoji; I suggest you look for it, it’s grand. It’s kind of hard to find though, I don’t remember where it is because it’s in my most commonly used emojis – 

KAYLA: We will tweet it. 

SARAH: I use it just often in general, but especially in situations where I don’t know what to say, I send the fish flag emoji. And there has been a situation, a couple of times with the same person, where they were being weird and flirty and too – 

KAYLA: They were being – They came on very strong.

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Not in a good way, in an uncomfortable way.

SARAH: Right, and I didn’t want it obviously, and I didn’t know what to do so I responded with a single fish flag emoji. 

KAYLA: And then she didn’t say anything else.

SARAH: I said nothing else. That is my signature move. My other signature move is just being grossly passive aggressive and then feeling bad about it for years. 

KAYLA: That also has happened. 

SARAH: (laughs) So. That’s me.

KAYLA: So that’s your style of flirting. 

SARAH: Yup.

KAYLA: Excellent.

SARAH: Excellent egg.

KAYLA and SARAH: Did you say egg?

KAYLA: Oh no.

SARAH: I hate us. Hi Zeke.

KAYLA: I’m sweating. Zeke is our #1 fan, shouts out.

SARAH: I think we should have a battle of all of our listeners to see who the #1 fan is. It’s currently being held by Zeke, whoever wants to be the next #1 will have to fist fight him. 

KAYLA: Oh, mmhmm.

SARAH: You enter by shouting into the void.

KAYLA: Yep, we’ll hear you, we’ll pick that right up. 

SARAH: With our ear parts. And you can fight Zeke. Zeke, we’ve volunteered you to fight people.

KAYLA: He is up for it.

SARAH: Oh yeah.

MIRANDA: I think he’d do it.

KAYLA: I can feel it.

MIRANDA: Hi Zeke.

ALL: (laugh)

SARAH: But yeah, if you want to be our #1 fan, let us know. You can battle Zeke.

KAYLA: I would like to see this. We’ll live-podcast commentate the fight for you all.

SARAH: That’s a good idea. I also like how I’m sure there are plenty of listeners who have no idea who Zeke is, and he’s just going to be this mythical creature in their ears. 

MIRANDA: He’s majestic. 

ALL: (loudly) Oooohhhhh.

MIRANDA: Got him.

(20:00)

SARAH: Miranda just made a pun that none of y’all will get unless you know Zeke. Meet Zeke, everyone. (laughs) Just battle him so that you can get our jokes. Anyway – 

KAYLA: I hate it.

SARAH: I hate you. 

KAYLA: Mmm.

MIRANDA: I love you all.

SARAH and KAYLA: Aww.

SARAH: Miranda’s nice.

KAYLA: You don’t belong here.

SARAH: Miranda just flirted with all of you. 

KAYLA: Do you feel uncomfortable?

MIRANDA: It’s not really flirting. 

KAYLA: Okay, if you were to flirt with the listeners of this podcast right now, what would you say to them?

MIRANDA: I don’t know, you’ve got to find common interests when you say things. 

KAYLA: Okay, Sarah you flirt with them first, give her time to think.

SARAH: You’re asking me to intentionally flirt?

KAYLA: Yes, mmhmm.

SARAH: I don’t know how to do that.

KAYLA: No, you’ve got to.

MIRANDA: How you doin’?

KAYLA and SARAH: (laugh)

KAYLA: You can do it Sarah, your first intentional flirt.

SARAH: (laughs)

KAYLA: [We’re] witnessing a moment, Sarah’s intentional flirting virginity, even though virginity is a social construct.

SARAH: Virginity isn’t real. 

KAYLA: Episode on it coming soon. Here she goes. 

SARAH: Heeeyyyyy. (laughs) With lots of y’s.

KAYLA: (yells) No. That was a 6th grade dance flirt, you’ve regressed. 

SARAH: I forgot, I’ve got to get to 8th grade. Oh, we didn’t have emojis in 8th grade. I mean, they existed but – 

KAYLA: You had the old-style ones, you had to use the characters. 

SARAH: Yeah, because back in 8th grade I had a QWERTY keyboard. 

MIRANDA: Back on AIM?

KAYLA: Oh my God, no.

MIRANDA: AOL Instant Messenger.

SARAH: I never had that.

MIRANDA: I didn’t either, but – 

SARAH: Okay, here is my flirt. (pants) Heh-heh-heavy breathing.

ALL: (laugh)

KAYLA: Did you say happy birthday then? 

MIRANDA: Heavy breathing. 

KAYLA: Oh my God. So you’re just going to go up – 

SARAH: (laughing) Happy breathing.

KAYLA: I thought you said happy birthday, and I was like, how do you know it’s everyone’s birthday?

SARAH: Hey Miranda, happy birthday. (laughs) Birth, birth. That’s how I start – 

KAYLA: That’s terrible. 

MIRANDA: (laughing) I don’t know.

SARAH: To I don’t know, I say, you don’t know that it’s your birthday? 

MIRANDA: Clearly not. 

SARAH: This is going great, Kayla.

KAYLA: I’m over it. 

SARAH: You asked for this. 

MIRANDA: You can’t just mock up flirtation, it happens in the moment. 

KAYLA: No, you’ve got it. Go. 

SARAH: Kayla, you do it.

MIRANDA: Yeah, show us how it’s done.

KAYLA: Wait, let me think. 

SARAH: Flirt with Miranda. 

KAYLA: Flirt with Miranda? But I don’t like her.

SARAH: Oh. Flirt with me. 

MIRANDA: But we’re married. Where did our relationship go?

KAYLA: You know, things happen. Divorce rates, am I right?

ALL: (laugh)

SARAH: I’m holding a container of sensitive skin aloe vera aftersun body gel. Kayla, flirt with this. 

KAYLA: Okay, okay, I have a pun on the tip of my tongue, hold on. I have a pun on sensitive somewhere. (pause)

SARAH: Your flirting is taking too long, the person has left. (laughs)

KAYLA: No they haven’t, it’s fine.

MIRANDA: Oh no, this is how mine go. 

SARAH: I’d like to let it be known that Kayla’s just been sitting in silence for twenty seconds. I will cut it out, but I just needed you to know.

KAYLA: I just have a really good pun on the tip of my tongue (pause)

SARAH: Alright – 

MIRANDA: So try flirting with me. 

SARAH: What we’ve learned is that none of us can flirt with anyone. 

KAYLA: I – dated someone.

SARAH: Okay. Flirt with this aloe.

MIRANDA: Hey, girl.

KAYLA: It’s an inanimate object.

SARAH: Hey, girl. What you doin’ later?

KAYLA: Wait, was your name aloe? Because I want to be aloe-ver that. 

ALL: (laugh)

KAYLA: That was good. 

SARAH: I would run away. But to be fair, I’d run away from anything.

KAYLA: But to be fair, that was also really good.

MIRANDA: Oh my God.

SARAH: That was pretty good – 

KAYLA: That was fire. That was fire emoji.

SARAH: So you know what else is fire emoji? My sunburn. 

KAYLA: Is that why you have that aloe-ver your body?

SARAH: It sure is.

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: I want to kill you. I don’t like that face you’re making. 

MIRANDA: This is just weird because she hates puns.

SARAH: I know. 

MIRANDA: She’s going for it.

SARAH: She’s gone for it. 

KAYLA: I’m here, I’m not queer. I’m making puns.

SARAH: Wait – 

KAYLA: Is someone outside singing?

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Please hold, shhh. (pause)

SARAH: It stopped.

KAYLA: Dammit.

SARAH: Okay, well moral of the story, we can’t flirt on the spot. Do you think that’s a skill that’s useful?

KAYLA: For acting, yes, Sarah. 

SARAH: Okay, listen. I didn’t ask for this hate. 

KAYLA: What if you’re an improv actor? 

SARAH: I mean, I guess. Yeah. 

MIRANDA: As a straight, awkward person, I would say it’s fine that you don’t know how to flirt on the spot when there’s no one there. Because I normally go with the flow of the conversation. 

SARAH: And I feel like if someone can flirt at a wall, I’m concerned. 

KAYLA: They have too much experience.

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: You know what’s weird though is you know how people will pick each other up in a bar?

SARAH: Yeah. At first I thought you meant physically. (laughs)

KAYLA: You know how people go up to you and in their hand, pick you up and take you out of the bar?

SARAH: (laughs) Yes. 

KAYLA: Anyway, so – 

MIRANDA: Sounds very physical.

SARAH and MIRANDA: (singing) Let’s get physical, physical.

KAYLA: Okay, so strangers will just go up to people at a bar and be like hey, can I get your number? They don’t know each other. 

SARAH: I know.

KAYLA: That is impromptu flirting, that actually happens. 

SARAH: That’s true.

KAYLA: How do they do that? 

SARAH: I feel like – 

MIRANDA: Can I have your number?

KAYLA: Can I have your digits? 

SARAH: (sings) 8-6-7-5-3-0-9.

MIRANDA: No one got my reference, that’s sad.

SARAH: No I did, I just don’t remember – 

MIRANDA: You just didn’t feel like responding?

SARAH: Sorry.

KAYLA: No.

MIRANDA: Or there’s the really subtle things that awkward people do, like when you don’t sit next to each other and then you decide you like each other, so you sit next to each other in class? That’s a huge step.

SARAH: Wow, that’s romantic. 

MIRANDA: And then you’re in the weird swivel chairs, so sometimes you accidentally hit each other and you’re like, oh.

KAYLA: Okay, as an awkward person and awkward flirter, what are signs that an awkward person is flirting with you? 

MIRANDA: Flirting with me? Uh – 

KAYLA: Like if I want to know if an awkward person I know is flirting with me, what are the signs I should be looking for?

MIRANDA: Well first of all, body language is very important. 

SARAH: (sings) 

MIRANDA: (trying to interrupt) Not right now. 

KAYLA: I asked Miranda, our guest, a serious question.

MIRANDA: We didn’t ask for a musical performance.

SARAH: I’m always here with musical performances. Continue.

MIRANDA: So like I said, in that case they’ll probably move a little bit closer, but they won’t be in your face, it’s not super intimate –

KAYLA: Because they’re awkward.

MIRANDA: Because [they’re] awkward, but the fact that [they] were willing to sit next you is saying a lot, especially if it’s someone you didn’t know very well to begin with. Not with my friends flirting when we sit next to each other, but if it was someone who I talked to in the first day of class and he was sitting over there and then we spoke a couple of words and then eventually he just slowly moved his way over and I’m like oh, I think he might like me.

SARAH: But isn’t that also you could just want to be friends with them? 

KAYLA: No, because if they wanted to be friends with you, no one – Okay, so when you have a crush on someone, it’s like oh my God, it’s a secret. When you want to be friends with someone – 

MIRANDA: You just go and sit next to them.

KAYLA: He wouldn’t have taken so many days to make that transition if he just wanted to be friends. 

MIRANDA: And then you’ve got to be – They’ll be subtle about how they give you their number, it’s not as direct.

KAYLA: [It’s not] Just give me your number.

MIRANDA: Yeah, and it’s not like some crazy pick up line, they’ll just sneak it in instead. Kind of like how I did the whole – I gave him a flyer and I was like, if you want to know more information, you can just put your number into my phone and I can let you know. So I didn’t say anything – It wasn’t a pick up line – 

KAYLA: It was.

MIRANDA: It was just being a direct person.

SARAH: Yeah, but it was indirect.

MIRANDA: It was way more veiled, whereas the one that Sarah got was totally a pick-up line.

SARAH: It was a pick-up line – 

KAYLA: And it was great. 

SARAH: It was a pick-up line. It did not pick me up, I stayed on the ground. Although it could have picked another person up, just not me. 

KAYLA: It would have picked me right up.

SARAH: Yep. Kayla would be dating this kid now. 

KAYLA: Yes.

SARAH: They’d be together, and they’d have a fax machine. 

KAYLA: Yes.

SARAH: And they would share it, and they would love it.

KAYLA: Instead of a child.

SARAH: Just a fax machine.

MIRANDA: Also, I don’t know if this is just our generation, or being awkward, but we don’t believe, I don’t believe flirting through Snapchat is a thing? Awkward flirters just like to text.

KAYLA: Awkward flirters don’t do it?

MIRANDA: We like to text.

KAYLA: Okay. I thought you said no one did it, and I was like, people definitely do that, but awkward people don’t.

SARAH and MIRANDA: Yeah.

KAYLA: I can see that.

MIRANDA: Or at least I didn’t feel, you don’t feel comfortable sending a picture – 

KAYLA: Because it’s your face.

SARAH: Yeah. 

MIRANDA: Also, when you’re texting, you can plan it out and then you’re like shit, I sent them a photo of me.

SARAH: That’s true.

MIRANDA: And you don’t want to be weird.

KAYLA: That makes a lot of sense. 

SARAH: Yeah. Also, if I’m comfortable with you, I will snap any facial – 

KAYLA: So ugly.

SARAH: Yeah, whatever. But if you’re snapping someone you’re not so comfortable with, all the snaps are all the same. And then you’ll start snapping pictures of your wall, and then they’re like, I know you’re intentionally not showing your face right now.

KAYLA: I did that often when me and Patrick first starting talking. Patrick is the boyfriend, hi Patrick. Because we had just started talking so I was like, I need to look good and I can’t send him ugly faces, so I’d be at work and I’d snap him but I’d have to retake the photo a couple of times because I was like, I can’t send him – Usually, I’d be covering half my face with my hand because I didn’t know what to do with my face and so they did all look the same. Or I would just send him a picture of the keyboard at my work.

SARAH: Yeah, exactly.

KAYLA: Because I was like, I can’t look good right now, but he can’t know I’m ugly yet because he doesn’t like me like that yet. 

(30:00)

MIRANDA: Yeah, so we just skipped that. 

KAYLA: It makes sense. It’s a lot of hassle.

MIRANDA: I mean you saw that I was only ever just texting, but we were friends on Instagram and Snapchat and things like that, but just we didn’t do it.

KAYLA: That makes sense, that’s a lot. Showing your face is a lot. 

MIRANDA: I’m trying to think of – Sometimes other things just happened, I wouldn’t tell you how to see it but – It’s just like, that’s who we are. Sometimes there’s a lot of awkward pauses, you don’t know where to go with your conversation and you’re like, oh. 

SARAH: I hate that. 

MIRANDA: So then you decide to talk about other weird things.

SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, I just – I don’t understand. Flirting seems difficult and complicated, and I’m glad I don’t do it. Except sometimes, apparently, I do. 

MIRANDA: You’re a natural. 

SARAH: (laughs) I’m a – Dear God, of all the things for me to be a natural at. 

KAYLA: The one thing you just don’t want.

SARAH: The one thing I don’t want to do. I’m just trying to be friendly.

KAYLA: I don’t think you’re friendly. 

SARAH: I, uh, hate you. 

MIRANDA: I actually think I’ve got progressively more awkward with my flirting, because the first kid I flirted with back in 8th grade – 

SARAH: Back in the day.

MIRANDA: Back in the day.

SARAH: Those QWERTY keyboards.

MIRANDA: At a Scholastic Bowl state.

SARAH: (laughs)

KAYLA: Oh my God. I can’t that’s-

SARAH: What a narrative!

MIRANDA: I don’t need this.

KAYLA: Little old Mathlete. 

MIRANDA: Scholastic Bowl is different from Mathlete.

KAYLA: Okay, well you were still a Mathlete. 

MIRANDA: I am a Mathlete. 

KAYLA: Oh she is a Mathlete. 

SARAH: I’d like everyone to know that she’s currently wearing an engineering shirt. 

MIRANDA: It’s a comfy shirt. 

KAYLA and SARAH: (laugh)

MIRANDA: Anyway – 

SARAH: Anyway – 

MIRANDA: We sang that duet, it was by Colby Callait and had Jason Mraz in it – 

SARAH: Oh my God, oh I know the one.

MIRANDA: We were sitting in the car and no one else knew the song so we sang it and I already had a crush on him – 

SARAH: You went for it.

MIRANDA: And that was a way of flirting and then he gave me a flower.

SARAH: (gasps)

MIRANDA: And then we wrote poems for each other on Valentine’s Day.

SARAH: Oh my God.

MIRANDA: I had game. And then it just – And then high school happened. 

SARAH: Why don’t you just keep doing that, just hand boys flowers.

MIRANDA: Because confidence was at the top, and then he destroyed me a year later, and here I am, rebuilding and it’s still there.

KAYLA: You know what the problem is though, it’s because everyone that you like is just more awkward than you – 

MIRANDA: Yeah, and then they friendzone me.

KAYLA: But the kid that you liked last year, he was young and he was an awkward engineer and so he literally didn’t know how to flirt, or ask you out, or do anything. That wasn’t your fault being awkward, that was him being literally the most difficult person ever.

SARAH: There’s only so much you can do. If you’re trying to pursue a relationship with someone, there’s only so much you can do before it’s like, I’m putting the ball in your court – 

MIRANDA: Oh, I did.

KAYLA: She did.

SARAH: Exactly. If you don’t do anything with it then that’s your problem. Because I feel like sometimes people might be into someone but they’re too awkward or too nervous to do anything about it, and it’s like well, that’s your fault. Move forward in your life, gain that less awkwardness so that in the future – 

KAYLA: I kind of understand if it’s something like social anxiety, that’s a little different but when you had been talking for a long time, you guys were friends, you had tried to say you wanted to go out and then he just wasn’t getting it, that’s just – You can’t do anything with that.

SARAH: That’s his problem.

KAYLA: That is him being stupid. 

SARAH: Yep. 

KAYLA: That’s why we hate him now. 

SARAH: Okay.

KAYLA: We don’t like him. 

SARAH: On that note, Kayla?

KAYLA: (gasps) Oh no.

SARAH: What’s this week’s poll? 

KAYLA: Okay. This one’s going to only have context if you listen to this episode, so I guess that’s fine? 

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Okay, so what is your flirting style? Do you flirt as if you are an 8th grade dance, do you flirt – 

SARAH: A boxing match.

KAYLA: As if you are a boxing match, or do you flirt as if – 

MIRANDA: You trip over a chord and you’re falling face first into the flirt– 

KAYLA: That’s too many letters.

SARAH: That’s too many letters to fit on Twitter.

KAYLA: You fall off a cliff, because it’s too late. 

SARAH: I don’t like that at all.

MIRANDA: I feel like it should be more like, all of a sudden you turn and there’s a wall.

SARAH: We could just say face-first tripping.

KAYLA: Ooh, you walk into a glass door. 

SARAH: Yes.

MIRANDA: Okay, that’s a good one.

KAYLA: So, we need a fourth one.

SARAH: A fourth one is vegan.

MIRANDA: Gluten-free.

SARAH: The fourth one is just (pause) a fish flopping. 

KAYLA: Okay, so – 

MIRANDA: That seems more awkward as well.

KAYLA: Yeah, that does.

SARAH: Yeah but I feel like that’s – 

MIRANDA: You could say flirts – Because I feel like some people probably over-flirt, so you have to think of something that’s just over the top.

KAYLA: Oh, what’s an over-flirt? 

SARAH: Um – 

KAYLA: Las Vegas. 

ALL: (pause)

MIRANDA: You flirt like Las Vegas? Like the Las Vegas strip?

KAYLA: Yeah, very over the top. Too much.

SARAH: Okay.

MIRANDA: Or you flirt like Joey from Friends.

KAYLA: No. Las Vegas.

SARAH: I say option number four is Las Vegas. So your three options, four options – 

KAYLA: To wrap it up – This will be on the Twitter.

SARAH: Follow us @soundsfakepod or email us at soundsfakepod@gmail.com. Email us cow pics, and – 

MIRANDA: My cowry

SARAH: And a cowry. Email us a virtual cowry.

KAYLA: Just like how many cow pictures you would take us for, you know?

SARAH: Yeah, good.

KAYLA: So anyway, or you can respond in the comments, or wherever you’re listening, or in the reviews. So, today’s poll. What is your flirting style? 8th grade dance, boxing match, walking into a glass door, Las Vegas.

SARAH: (laughs) Yes. 

KAYLA: That’s it.

SARAH: I love it.

KAYLA: You can either do that on Twitter, or on email, or wherever you’re listening, it could be iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio or Google Play. You can give us a cute little review and say your flirting style, or do a nice little comment.

SARAH: Also, let us know if you know – 

KAYLA: Lettuce.

SARAH: Lettuce. Let us – If you know how to flirt, if that’s something you pride yourself on, let us know. Also, if you have a preferred emoji for responding to flirts you don’t want directed at you, and it’s not the fish flag, let me know.

KAYLA: Sarah needs more options.

SARAH: I can rotate them. 

KAYLA: She needs options. 

MIRANDA: Or if you know of a good engineer out there – 

SARAH and KAYLA: (laugh)

KAYLA: If you have an awkward, surprisingly athletic boy – 

SARAH: Who is into human girls – 

KAYLA: That are also kind of awkward, and he is single because Miranda’s not a homewrecker, she let us know today.

SARAH: (laughs)

MIRANDA: Yeah, I’m and I’m not Facebook messaging people either.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Here’s the thing, there’s this kid that Miranda has known since freshman year, and she saw him recently and they got along, they were talking and I was like, how about you just Facebook message him and are like, let’s catch up. And this bitch proceeds to a) not do that, b) have a full-on by herself dance party in our house the other day – 

SARAH: We were all just watching her.

KAYLA: While we all just stood there – 

MIRANDA: You could have joined.

KAYLA: We all just stood there and watched and she just danced around the living room and somehow that was less embarrassing for her than just messaging this kid that she’s already friends with on Facebook. Then she goes and complains about how she’s single when I have a very simple solution for her. 

MIRANDA: Okay because dancing with your friends is not as embarrassing – 

KAYLA: We were not dancing with you, you were dancing by yourself. 

MIRANDA: So dancing and listening to music with your friends in the vicinity is not as embarrassing as contacting someone I don’t really know.

KAYLA: I beg to differ, I was embarrassed for you. 

SARAH: (laughs)

MIRANDA: You should be embarrassed, have you seen me dance at parties? 

KAYLA: I am embarrassed for you because you’re not drunk, and you’re still dancing like that.

MIRANDA: I literally danced for 19 years, I have no shame when it comes to dancing.

KAYLA: You’re so cool.

MIRANDA: When I feel the music, I’ve got to (sings) let it go. 

SARAH: (interrupting loudly) Alright, @soundsfakepod. (laughs) Alright, we’ve shut that down. Follow us on Twitter @soundsfakepod, you’ll find all sorts of cool things. We have a new header, me and Kayla are so cute, Miranda took the picture.

KAYLA: Miranda took our pictures. 

MIRANDA: So involved. 

SARAH: Yes, so go check out our new header, you can see what our faces look like, in the event that you don’t know what they look like. 

KAYLA: Tragic, first of all.

SARAH: Tragic. If you don’t know who is who, try and guess who is who.

KAYLA: Oooh. Wait, didn’t our bitmojis kind of give it away?

SARAH: Yeah, but we didn’t say whose bitmoji was who.

KAYLA: I feel like my captions kind of gave it away.

SARAH: Alright, Kayla is stupid. Anything else do you have to say, Miranda?

MIRANDA: I’m good.

SARAH: (laughs) How about you Kayla?

KAYLA: I mean, I’m not good, but it’s fine.

MIRANDA: I’m okay. I’m fine.

KAYLA: It’s fine.

SARAH: Thank you Miranda for joining us, and telling us about awkward flirting.

KAYLA: Yay. 

MIRANDA: You’re welcome. 

SARAH: I hope your endeavors are more successful in the future, but just as awkward.

KAYLA: Mm-hmm.

MIRANDA: The awkwardness will never leave.

SARAH and KAYLA: Good.

KAYLA: Her wedding will be so good. 

MIRANDA: Oh, it’s going to be so good and you’re going to love it. 

KAYLA: I’m going to love it. And I’m going to be so uncomfortable the whole time.

SARAH: Thank you for listening to Sounds Fake But Okay. Catch you next week, happy flirting.

(pause)

MIRANDA: My name is Miranda, I’m 20, I’m a Scorpio and I have a basketball game tomorrow.

SARAH: Oh God.

MIRANDA: I’m not going to get through this.