Sounds Fake But Okay

Ep 206: Asexual/Aromantic Joy

November 14, 2021 Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 206: Asexual/Aromantic Joy
Show Notes Transcript

We all know that being on asexual and/or aromantic spectrum can be really hard sometimes. But that isn't the focus of today's relax-adjacent cast! Today, we focus on the joys and triumphs of being asepc.

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(00:00)

KAYLA: Sarah.

SARAH: Yes. 

KAYLA: It is a well-known fact on this podcast and in the world that aspec people cannot owe anyone money.

SARAH: I’m so glad to hear you finally admit that openly and honestly in this space.

KAYLA: I know it’s taken me a really long time to catch on. Um, I was really hesitant at first. However, something that gets really dicey when you’re asexual and you cannot legally owe money, is when you have to pay a lot of money for things like college.

SARAH: Yeah that’ll really do ya.

KAYLA: Yeah, because they won’t really let you in, without paying the money you owe. But legally it's like…

SARAH: Yeah, but can you owe money?

KAYLA: You can be like this podcast told me I can’t and that’s a reputable source. So like what are you supposed to do about it, you know?

SARAH: Right. Yeah, I’m wondering, I’m on the edge of my seat.

KAYLA: Well I’m so glad that you’re really excited to hear this because I have a- I have solved it. I have a solution.

SARAH: M’kay. Okay, okay.

KAYLA: For this ace week and for this month we are giving away a $500 college scholarship in partnership with Niche, so basically we’ve solved some of your problems with your owing money situation.

SARAH: We’ve essentially solved $500 worth of problems.

KAYLA: Yeah. Which is a fun time and a big deal.

SARAH: Hell Yeah.

KAYLA: We’re doing a $500 college scholarship for ace week, but it runs until November 30th and it's for high school and college students who need money and don’t wanna owe money.

SARAH: What do the kids need to do?!

KAYLA: All— Listen here — all you need to do is go to niche.college/aceweek and you just fill out a little form and then you’ve applied you don’t even have to do an essay.

SARAH: Wow! We love not having to do essays!

KAYLA: I know! So: niche.college/aceweek and it's really quick and then you can just go throughout the rest of your ace week and the rest of your month no problem and you can maybe win some money.

SARAH: Yeah we love winning some money! Niche.college/aceweek!

(transition music cut from the intro song)

SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)

KAYLA: … and a demisexual girl (that’s me, Kayla)

SARAH: talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else that we just don’t understand.

KAYLA: On today’s episode: Aspec Joy.

BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.

(Intro song)

SARAH: Welcome back to the Pod! 

KAYLA: M’afia?

SARAH: The M’artian is a really long M’ovie it’s also a very long b’ook- well no it’s a very dense book. I have read the book-

KAYLA: I know.

SARAH: - it took me so long to remember? Because it was so dense.

KAYLA: Yeah I do (laughs).

SARAH: Anyway that’s just what came to my mind.

KAYLA: Mhm.

SARAH: What did you say again? I already forgot.

KAYLA: I said mafia because I recently saw a trailer for House of Gucci and I’m very excited to watch it.

SARAH: (whisper-singing) M-m-m-m-m-mafia~. Good. That’s a song, that is a kpop song that I don’t know well enough to know if I got the tune right just then.

KAYLA: Well I’m sure the stans will find you.

SARAH: Espe- espa? Espaa??

KAYLA: Asbestos?

SARAH: I know how to spell it, I don’t know how to say it. A lot of them are like that. Anyway.

KAYLA: One time- we have some episode where we talk about asbestos and it is of course in the transcript of that episode and one time some random bot emailed us and was like-

SARAH: Is that why we got an asbestos bot?! 

KAYLA: Yes because-

SARAH: Oh my god.

KAYLA: It’s a technique that marketer’s use to be like “hey I wanna be on your blog, I’ve seen you’ve written a blog about blah blah blah” so they wanted us to put some article about asbestos safety on our quote-unquote blog, because there is an episode- it’s a guest episode I don’t remember who it is though. 

SARAH: That makes a lot more sense though because I was confused about the person who was like “put asbestos facts on your website”.

KAYLA: Sometimes we do get very weird emails like that.

SARAH: Yeah we do.

KAYLA: It’s interesting. Anyway.

SARAH: Anyway. Kayla, housekeeping?

KAYLA: There is a new hat on the store.

SARAH: There is?

KAYLA: Yes (laughs) I made a beanie for winter time.

SARAH: Oh goodness, for winter time! See Kayla is just doing shit and I’m just vibing.

KAYLA: I mean it’s on Twitter so.

SARAH: I haven’t seen it!

KAYLA: You could’ve seen it. But yeah it’s just the aroace little flag things like on our other hat, but it’s on a beanie and I would like to make a shirt that says “she lives in a country and so do I” but Sarah thinks it’s illegal.

(5:00)

SARAH: I don’t think it’s illegal, I think it’s questionable, and my boss today informed me that I was, in fact, a lawyer.

KAYLA: Well, he’s wrong.

SARAH: I passed the bar, I’m his lawyer.

KAYLA: Well listen, I have several friends who are in law school.

SARAH: I went to highschool with several people who just passed the bar and like was just made a real lawyer.

KAYLA: Okay and?

SARAH: I thought she was annoying in high school.

KAYLA: Okay. Also, I don’t want to say the names of these people because they didn’t give us permission for safety, but there’s been two people recently-

SARAH: (quietly) Buckle up for safety.

KAYLA: Yeah. There’s been two people recently that have like donated to our Paypal - oh my god- that was the most midwest- (laughs)

SARAH: (nasally midwest accent) Our Paypal. 

KAYLA: (also nasally midwest accent) Our Paypal.

SARAH: That was like almost Sarah Palin Alaskan.

KAYLA: That was- I don’t know how that happened- that was embarrassing.

SARAH: (laughs)

KAYLA: I’ll just say their- the initial of their first name. To M and G, Thank you! You didn’t write any messages or anything, but we greatly appreciate your dollars.

SARAH: M like the title of the very long, silent film that’s in German from the 1930s, it’s in black and white...

KAYLA: I will leave this call. I will leave this call.

SARAH: I watched it for screening and I absolutely fell asleep watching that movie. I’m so sorry to the makers of M, but you’re all dead now because that movie came out in like the 30s.

KAYLA: (sigh)

SARAH: Anyway thank you for your money, also G, both of you, I just couldn’t think of a movie called G, you know? Kayla, what are we talking about this week?

KAYLA: I’m so glad you’re done. This week we got several requests in the Discord to talk about aspec and aroace joy!

SARAH: We did!

KAYLA: Which I believe was the topic of the famed missing episode of the podcast.

SARAH: I don’t know that that’s true.

KAYLA: I think it was, I think it was because-

SARAH: Well I guess we can go back and check what you say in your half of the podcast.

KAYLA: (laughs) Yeah, my half that was not lost was posted on Patreon. But I’m pretty sure that it was a Thanksgiving- or maybe it wasn’t even a Thanksgiving-

SARAH: Hm, that’s possible. Oh my god, it’s Thanksgiving! How timely.

KAYLA: Is this our Thanksgiving episode?

SARAH: No, it's the week before. But, you know, Canadian Thanksgiving was a couple weeks ago so...

KAYLA: So we’re in the middle. So it’s fine.

SARAH: Speaking of the lost episode, today Kim Nam-Joon of BTS was like “Guys I accidentally deleted a whole fucking song” 

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: He was so sad, and I was like “bro I have BEEN there” (laughs)

KAYLA: That almost happened to Gridge a couple weeks ago. Perry almost lost all of their audio from a very important episode.

SARAH: Oh god.

KAYLA: And I was having war flashbacks, but then they found it. But it was very frightening.

SARAH: Anyway, what was- what were- what’s happening?

KAYLA: We’re talking about aspec joy.

SARAH: Right. And you know what doesn’t spark joy?

KAYLA: Hm?

SARAH: Losing episodes of your podcast.

KAYLA: Yeah so we don’t need to talk about it anymore.

SARAH: Putting that away.

KAYLA: I know you wake up in cold sweats in the night thinking about it.

SARAH: And like this is not a relaxcast but it is a thankfulcast, so we will put that aside for the time being.

KAYLA: (laughs) Okay.

SARAH: I already forgot what we’re putting aside. Kayla, my brain? Not with it. It is- it is a Thursday night after work, it’s been a long week, I don’t think my brain’s intact.

KAYLA: I don’t think so either.

SARAH: I need you to continue the podcast because I don’t know what to do next.

(pause)

(mouth smack)

KAYLA: (quietly) I was taking a sip.

SARAH: I’ll take a sip!

KAYLA: Okay (laugh). Um so, I saw some people in the Discord talking about “oh I would really like if y’all did this episode because I haven’t been feeling a lot of aspec joy recently”

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: Which I think is quite common. I think it’s interesting because I know in past episodes specifically about coming out or being happy with your identity, I have said I know it can be hard to see other people be happy with their aspec identity if you don’t feel that way and you might be upset with yourself because of that, but it’s interesting because there’s this whole other side to it that's also true of like then there are a lot of people struggling publicly, and rightfully so, with aspects of their aspec identity and that can also be a hard experience. 

(10:00)

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: So it’s weird because whether people are publicly happy or sad, it can, you know what I mean? It can have interesting effects on a person.

SARAH: Yeah. And people who are publicly struggling that’s super valid and there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you yourself are struggling if you’re only seeing other people struggling that can make it harder.

KAYLA: Right. There was a 2018 study that found that aces have an especially low life satisfaction, which I find- which I think trans people did as well which is not surprising-

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: I feel like both of those are for pretty similar reasons. On one hand, aphobes could look at that and be like “well it’s because you don’t have sex and or romance in your life, so of course you’re miserable” but mainly I feel like no it’s just because, you know, the world wasn’t built for us so it makes it a little bit harder, you know?

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Which is why I think aspec joy can be kind of hard to find sometimes.

SARAH: Yeah. I don’t know if it’s the same for trans people because you know what? It is November 11th and we have already broken last year's record of how many trans people have been killed this year. In the United States, in the United States.

KAYLA: Well, yes. Yes, I wasn't trying to equate them.

SARAH: Oh I know, I was just thinking about that, and I was like… I heard that stat on my podcast this morning and it’s on my mind.

KAYLA: Yeah, yeah.

SARAH: But yeah, it makes sense to me that trans people and aspec people are the lowest on that list, for different reasons, but for- it makes sense.

KAYLA: Yeah. Anyway this is about joy. (laughs)

SARAH: Yeah, this does not spark joy.

KAYLA: No.

SARAH: Trans people being killed does not spark joy and we’re going to set that aside.

KAYLA: Yeah. Very important to think about and talk about, but we’re gonna set it aside.

SARAH: Set it aside to talk about it another time.

KAYLA: Yeah, so. Yeah I mean I think that is just what the struggle is- is there is a lot of hard parts to being aspec and there’s a lot of like hate that goes around, a lot of aphobic stuff that people are always talking about and trying to process, and, of course, rightfully so it’s easier to process those things with other people and publicly. But it also does kind of make it feel kind of sad to be aspec if all we’re kind of focusing on is the negative, so.

SARAH: Yeah and for us, for us, we make a concerted effort to keep that negativity fuckin’ out of here. We have our platform and we don’t want to spread negative shit, and that’s a- that’s a very intentional choice on our part.

KAYLA: It can be hard for us because we- because of the podcast we think about our aspec identities so much, which can be a bit tiring.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: Especially when- especially on social media, because that’s where most of the aspec community is, you’re then faced with aphobia, it can be very stressful, as it is for anyone else.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: So I think, yeah, there have been some recent things where there has been some really bad aphobia, and you may have noticed we weren’t really tweeting things or making as many statements as other people and I think one reason is a lot of people were saying really great things about it and-

SARAH: We had nothing new to add.

KAYLA: There was nothing much for us to add and also-

SARAH: We don’t want to give that a platform.

KAYLA: Not that it's wrong to talk about it, but for us, we’re trying to keep things a little more light, which I think is obvious from the way we run the show, that it’s pretty silly most of the time.

SARAH: Yeah. A lot of the aspecs, if you exist online, unfortunately you’re gonna see shit like that anyway, so I don’t want to make it so our followers have to see it more. 

KAYLA: Yeah.

SARAH: For me, I don’t want to feed the trolls. I don’t wanna signal boost the garbage and so we try very hard to not do that on this platform and I hope you guys appreciate that, because I mean if you want to, you know, fight with trolls or you want to, you know, fight back like, there’s no problem with that, but there are other places online that you can do that and we hope to be a respite from that for those of you who need a break sometimes.

(15:00)

KAYLA: Yeah like I said, there’s nothing wrong with that. A lot of our internet friends do a lot of educating and being very patient with people who are very nasty and spreading a lot of good things.

SARAH: Being too patient with people who are nasty-

KAYLA: (laughs) Yeah for us, we just don’t have the patience, but we fully support the patience that our friends have.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: So yeah!

SARAH: I think that’s a good baseline of context to be giving this in. Like obviously there are shitty things about being aspec and the aspec experience, but we just don’t wanna boost those things and so instead we’ll be boosting the positive things and that is what this episode is startinggggggg NOW!

(clap)

SARAH: Kayla.

KAYLA: Mhm?

SARAH: I’m a little reticent to ask this question because I know you’re going to ask it back and I don’t have an answer, but: What is the number 1 thing that you’re most grateful about being aspec? Like what is your number one aspec joy?

KAYLA: Mm. Um-

SARAH: I actually thought about an answer while you were thinking of an answer.

KAYLA: Okay I have one.

SARAH: Okay.

KAYLA: This is an experience I’ve had more often-

(cat meows in the background)

KAYLA: First of all there is a cat so please hold - cause RECENTLY people have been like, “I started searching my house because I heard the cat in the podcast and thought it was mine” and I feel bad.

SARAH: We started just kind of annoying the cat noises and apparently it backfired.

KAYLA: (far away from the mic presumably to the cat) You’ve got to leave! (back to normal mic closeness) This is an experience I’ve had more recently, a couple times. Specifically because of the BBC article I’ve had a few people reach out to me and say “Oh my friend saw that I shared this article or…” no it happened a couple ways, it happened because the BBC article, “so my friend saw this article and was like hey can you send it to me, I think I might be aspec” another one of my friends was talking to an acquaintance of hers and because she’s friends with me and I talk to her about aspec stuff - because she’s my friend and interested in my life we’re friends and stuff - she was able to say to her friend “you should look into that”.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: So recently I have found it very joyful to be able to help baby- or potentially baby aspecs?

SARAH: Spread the good word of the aspec lort.

KAYLA: Yeah. And not- obviously education is good too, but specifically spreading the word to people who might be aspec.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: And obviously we do that a lot with strangers, but it hasn’t happened very often with people I know IRL.

SARAH: Right, it feels different, it feels more concrete.

KAYLA: Yeah, it’s more tangible. Obviously it’s always real, but it feels more meaningful when it’s someone I can see. So recently this has been joyful!

SARAH: Yeah. I think my number one aspec joy is just like the freedom from expectations that it has given me, and again, you don’t have to be aspec to shed those expectations.

KAYLA: And for more on that; buy our book.

SARAH: Buy our book.

KAYLA: In several years.

SARAH: 2023. But I feel like being aspec forces you to look through that aspec lens, and it forces you to shed those expectations if you want to accept who you are as a person. And since that is something that interested me, I kind of had to shed those expectations and I think the freedom to just be like ”oh I can do whatever the fuck I want, it doesn’t fucking matter’ and I know that it’s not - we’ve discussed this before — it’s not as easy for everyone else as it has been for me, and not that it’s been totally easy, but you know. But it’s so fucking nice to know that I have- I don’t have to do what society says that I need to do, and there’s this whole community of people who are here to back me up and support me in that, and help me to figure out my way forward on my little aroace life path. 

KAYLA: Yeah and it’s like, I don’t know that this is as relevant- well? I don’t know. (laughs) I’ll back up. It’s also nice to see how that can play into other areas of your life, like we’ve talked about with gender. So many aspec people are nonbinary, or non-gender conforming and some of that starts with realizing your aspec and being like “well if that’s not a thing, then let’s move to gender”

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Let me see if I can find it, I recently saw one of our listeners tweet about the ace week episode we did with Basil-

(20:00)

SARAH: Mhm

KAYLA: and they were talking about kind of the sheer number of autistic aces there are and were drawing some-

SARAH: Mhm, like the 1 in 6-

KAYLA: Yeah the 1 in 6. They were saying “maybe autistic people aren’t more likely to be ace than others, but to interrogate social assumptions and realize they’re ace” Which I think goes along with it, I think, from my understanding a trait for a lot of autistic people is that understanding social cues, I guess, or just social structures-

SARAH: Where you fit into social structure, and what your role is, yeah.

KAYLA: Right. Yeah, it’s not the same for a lot of non-autistic people as it is for autistic people.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: And so if you’re already interrogating and trying to navigate those social assumptions it could make it- it makes sense to me that it would make it more natural to then realize you’re ace if you’re already trying to figure that stuff out.

SARAH: Yeah that makes a ton of sense to me and it’s-

KAYLA: But also I’m not autistic so if I’m saying things wrong please yell at me.

SARAH: Yeah, I believe the person who tweeted that is autistic though, so.

KAYLA: Yeah.

SARAH: We are...

KAYLA: Cassie. @cassandra7e. The tweet is retweeted on our Twitter.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: Can you believe the tweet is retweeted on our Twitter? (laughs)

SARAH: Unbelievable. In this economy?

KAYLA: So you can go see it so you can get actual words from people who know what they’re doing.

SARAH: I think something that I just thought of that kind of brings our two ace joys together is being able to spread that “fuck-it” mindset to allos. Like the allos around you.

KAYLA: That’s very true. That’s something that I’ve enjoyed with my new friends that I’ve made here in Louisiana.

SARAH: Mm.

KAYLA: It’s been really cool because when I meet new people I am, for probably obvious reasons- like Dean will always be like “oh my god, Kayla has a podcast” because he’s very proud and very sweet, and I go through a whole metamorphosis of usually I’ll start being like “oh yeah it’s a sexuality podcast” because I’m not trying to out myself to people and have it be a whole thing.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: But it has been very joyful to like open up to people when I become actual friends with them and have like life conversations with them on their philosophy on relationships and how they view the world.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: And it’s been very cool to see people come to understand what asexuality and aromanticism and the spectrums are, but then also understand the freedom that comes with it and like the “fuck-it” mindset that you said. It’s very cool to then see my friends also kind of try to inhabit that in their own lives no matter what their sexuality is.

SARAH: Yeah. Some of my coworkers at work are unfortunately straight which is a damn shame-

KAYLA: Ugh, ugh…. So embarrassing. 

SARAH: -but then me and my other coworker who is trans and poly, and so-

KAYLA: really the whole spectrum.

SARAH: yeah (laughs) really. And then some straight people. It’s been super interesting to just kind of have conversations with them because yeah it’s Hollywood, they're very open-minded, they’re young people, whatever.

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: But they don’t ‘know’ things necessarily. And it’s difficult and annoying to have the asexuality 101 conversation with strangers all the time, but it feels different and it feels more rewarding when it's with someone that you know. Because one of my new coworkers, she was like, “can I ask you these things, is that allowed?” and I’m like “yeah sure that’s fine” and she was just talking about stuff and was like “Yeah I have this friend who’s demi, but I don’t really know what all of it means” -

KAYLA: And you were like “oh my god me too!”

SARAH: “I only know a little bit” and I’m like “oh my god, you have a friend that’s demi? That’s so exciting!” (laughs) and it was just very cool to encounter this person who had a very basic understanding of what asexual means, but didn’t have a ton of details and so was asking about my personal experience, but at the same time she also knew someone who was openly demi, and that’s cool. That’s exciting.

KAYLA: I know that’s so rare.

SARAH: Yeah we’re moving forward!

KAYLA: For me the one on one conversations get boring, but-

SARAH: Well this wasn’t really a one-on-one conversation it was more of a “what’s your experience”.

(25:00)

KAYLA: Right, but that’s what I think is like, that’s what I get the most joy from, which isn’t surprising because this is a podcast based on going beyond the 101.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: But what I find rewarding is I’ve given my friends as much of the 101 that they need, they understand it, and then we start having those conversations about what my experience is like and they start relating it to their own experience and then we can get into deeper conversations, and they’re just a normal conversations about the deeper parts of life, and I just happen to be bringing a different perspective.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: That’s what I find most rewarding because like, it’s not someone interrogating me or getting educated by me but it's just a conversation about that stuff where I am openly demi and can bring that perspective.

SARAH: Yeah, yeah that’s nice. Also, I feel like it’s been cool and interesting seeing, especially, people who I have known for a number of years who were presumed straight when I first met them, even if they’re not aspec, obviously they go through a whole journey — you know the whole coming out and questioning as a whole thing for them and I don’t want to give myself any credit for that — but I-

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: It’s been nice to know that I’ve created a safe space where you feel comfortable talking about these things and you’re comfortable questioning these things, and you feel comfortable questioning the allo status quo for yourself even if what you decide is “yes I am- my sexual and romantic orientations are the same” even if that’s the conclusion they come to, they have thought about it.

KAYLA: It’s just nice when people are questioning their sexuality and orientations they’re at least putting aspec identities on the board of possibilities. It’s nice they’re look at it like “maybe”, cause before they might not even have been aware it was an option so it’s just nice that they’re giving it a look, you know?

SARAH: It’s just nice. I think another ace joy is this community, which is funny for me to say as the half of the podcast who is less involved in the community, but I’m busy.

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: But it’s nice to know that I can come back to it at any time and some people are super involved in the community and have met, you know, their queerplatonic partner through Twitter or whatever, which is amazing and awesome, and some people are more like me, in and out, transient and just like vibing. But I think it’s very nice to have this little space where aspecs can be aspec, and aspec can talk to each other, but also whatever the fuck they want. And I know that the fact that the aspec community is so profoundly online um has definitely caused some problems for the growth of the community and in being acknowledged by others as a valid thing, but I think it's also special in that we’re so connected to each other and have each other-

KAYLA: An experience we’ve had every time we like have a guest on or do panels or whatever, is we always leave those events being like “Oh my god we just met-”

SARAH: I have a new best friend.

KAYLA: “-the nicest coolest people” and a lot of these people are people we’ve stayed at least loosely connected with online, following each other's work, sometimes messaging, stuff like that. But it’s been like that every single time without fail we’re like “wow this person is incredible” and I feel like it’s because we’re able to connect so quickly, of being like “okay we’re both aspec, we both know what’s going on, we have this huge thing in common” there’s just this kind of unspoken bond there.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: The community definitely has a long way to go and to grow in terms of like, aces of color, disabled aces, neurodivergent aces all of those things.

SARAH: Disabled, neurodivergent aces of color.

KAYLA: Yes, but overall it does feel - at least to me in my privileged sense - a very welcoming place.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: And also it strikes me how welcoming the ace community is to new people who are questioning, even like you said, when they then decide that they are not aspec, I feel like people are so willing to-

(30:00)

SARAH: Like this is a safe place for you.

KAYLA: -to teach people what they need to know to answer questions, to sit and observe.

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: I’ve seen some people in like Tiktok comments before saying like “Yeah I questioned that I was ace for a while blah blah blah, but the aspec community is like the nicest online community I have ever run into” and I’m always like “Ugh that’s such a nice compliment”

SARAH: Yeah we are!

KAYLA: Yeah! Except for when we’re not sometimes, but listen, every online community gets a bit dicey sometimes it’s okay.

SARAH: (very chill voice)This is a relax-adjacent cast and we will not be discussing that-

KAYLA: Sorry, sorry.

SARAH: -on this thankful cast. Thank you for your time. (laughs)

KAYLA: Another thing I find joyful is how many words we have and how introspective it seems like so much of the community is.

SARAH: We could build, like, we could build the pyramids at Giza with the words we have. (whispers) Stack ‘em.

KAYLA: It’s just interesting because as we’re writing our book I keep coming across words that are like, very normal to us that I'm like “oh we have to put this into our little like chapter 0 dictionary in the beginning” and we’re not even using many micro labels or things like that.

SARAH: We’re being pretty broad.

KAYLA: Yeah, cause Sarah and I do not know even close to all of the micro labels, because personally for us we don’t use that many because it doesn’t serve us personally, I guess.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: But it's just like, it feels like so many people- I see twitter threads and Instagram posts all the time that are like so introspective and excellently written about the aspec experience and I’m like “wow we are just out here being a bunch of smart ass people thinking so deeply about the nuances about the nuances of attraction” like wow!

SARAH: The aspec community values thinking. And that seems like such a simple thing, but then you think about the things that I won’t mention on this relax-adjacent cast - you know, there are groups online that don’t value thinking- 

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: -and I’m just so grateful that we’re part of a community that wants you to use your little brain, but also have a good time and you can do both or you can pomodoro them or whatever you need.

KAYLA: I wonder if part of it is, I’ve seen people say aspec people, specifically the one that are sex indifferent, say that their interest in sex is in more of an anthropological sense-

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: -like “this is very interesting to me? as someone who doesn’t really experience this attraction to just see how it feels for other people”-

SARAH: “what’s this all about?” (laughs)

KAYLA: Yeah. Which I feel like, maybe that’s part of the reason aspec people are that way, because we either don’t experience that attraction or don’t experience it in very specific ways that’s not like allo people so we’re sort of watching from the outside as society is going about their quote-unquote “normal business” ‘cause this is like society’s whole thing and we’re just sitting on the out- it’s like everyone is in the middle of the gym at the school dance and we’re sitting in the bleachers, but not in a way we’ve been exiled because this is a relax-cast

SARAH: Yeah!

KAYLA: It’s a way where we want to be sitting in the bleachers watching

SARAH: We’re just taking a break.

KAYLA: Yeah and we’re kind of just watching the social structure of a school dance, you know what I mean?

SARAH: Yeah, we’re watching people have fun, and watching this social structure unfold. I think its- I think it all comes back to the aspec — and I say this in so many quotes — “objectivity”. I know we’re not objective because we’re people and people aren’t objective and they can’t be objective, but because we are separated from attraction in a way that allos aren’t or most allos aren’t, and obviously it’s slightly different for every aspec, but because we’re- we’re separated from that, you know, we can view it more as an anthropological-(laughs)

KAYLA: Mhm.

SARAH: We can take more of an anthropological approach than someone who is in (dramatic old-timey sounding voice) throes of passion about their attraction~.

(35:00)

KAYLA: Well it’s like- I feel like everyone always goes to the friend who's never dated for relationship advice

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: And I stand firmly in the fact that single people give the best relationship advice because they’re not emotionally attached.

SARAH: They’re not thinking about their own relationship.

KAYLA: Yeah they’re not thinking about their own relationship, they’re not thinking about the emotions behind it, they’re saying very like, intellectually, here are the facts of what is going on, without attaching that emotion to it.

SARAH: Yeah.

KAYLA: And I understand that aphobes could listen to this and say “So you are robots!” and you know what maybe we are.

SARAH: Beep bop boop.

(laughing)

SARAH: Beep bop boop...

KAYLA: I think another thing I find joyful, especially in the community aspect is how jazzed we get about aspec projects I guess, and part of it I think is that there are so few and representation is so hard to find but I feel like-

SARAH: Setting that aside...

KAYLA: -setting that aside for today in this relax-adjacent cast. Like with Dear Luke, Love, Me, with our book with Elle and Ace Dad’s book, with our scholarship, I feel like anytime we’re able to do something - like when we were pitching our book and when we were trying to get our scholarship up, the things we were able to say was like “look I know we might be small, but the aspec community is very mighty and when something exciting happens everyone gets very hype”

SARAH: Yeah it’s a very engaged community.

KAYLA: Yeah, which I think is nice! We’re all so excited for each other.

SARAH: Yeah, I think it’s very nice and I think it also goes to prove that like, you know, maybe earlier we proved that aspecs are robots but we can prove we’re not robots because we can care so fucking passionately about so much shit.

KAYLA: Mhm.

SARAH: And sometimes what we care about so passionately is that we don’t experience the world in the same way everyone else does. And that’s a cool fuckin’ thing to care about because it means you’re helping to improve the lives of others who might think they’re broken or some shhhhit that’s not true-

KAYLA: Mm.

SARAH: - that I won’t delve into in this relax-adjacent cast.

KAYLA: (amused voice) okay.

SARAH: I think we could go on forever talking about ace joy and it might get a little repetitive, but maybe that’s because all of the aspec joy is so all-encompassing of fucking everything, and maybe that’s why. Because I’m like “can I think of new things?” but they’re all related!

KAYLA: And that’s the true meaning of Christmas.

SARAH: Maybe that’s the true meaning of Christmas, that we have so much aspec joy, so much profound aspec joy-

KAYLA: Maybe the real treasure was the aspec joy we found along the way. That’s like one of my favorite memes.

SARAH: (laughs)

KAYLA: It’s been going on for what? 20 years? Such an evergreen meme.

SARAH: Evergreen (laughs).

KAYLA: Evergreme!

SARAH: That’s so true!

KAYLA: Get it?

SARAH: No I got it, you didn’t have to say get it.

KAYLA: Just checking!

SARAH: Do you have any major ace joys that you want to add before we go?

KAYLA: I can’t think of any...

SARAH: ‘Cause they’re all so fuckin’ all encompassing.

KAYLA: Mhm.
SARAH: Alright, Kayla, our poll for this week; I think we should ask our listeners about their aspec joys.

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: Just tell us what is- what are your favorite things about being aspec, what are you most thankful for about being aspec, and to our two listeners who aren’t aspec-

(laughing)

SARAH: -what is your favorite thing about the aspecs? I’d actually be interested in any of our 2 listeners who aren’t aspec to know what you think the...

KAYLA: What are you doing here? I feel like I did see someone-

SARAH: It’s my mom.

KAYLA: True. I recently saw someone I think in the Discord saying that they don’t seem to be aspec, they seem to just be a queer person who is excited to learn about new queer things and I was like “Oh wow, that’s impressive!”

SARAH: I’m actually, I obviously wanna hear about all of the aspec joys of all of our aspec listeners because I want to have more things to add to my own all-encompassing list, but I- or at least more things to articulate in my all-encompassing list, because it’s all-encompassing, I already got it, it’s just about the articulation, guys.

(40:00)
KAYLA: Yes, yes.

SARAH: But I would be curious to hear about non-aspecs who are fairly familiar with the community and with the spectrum, I would wanna know what they see as the most valuable part.

KAYLA: So what we really want is external validation.

SARAH: I would like to be validated-

KAYLA: Externally.

SARAH: -by the allos.

KAYLA: Yes.

SARAH: But only in this context.

KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Other contexts: You do need to ask my permission first-

KAYLA: Okay.

SARAH: -before validating.

KAYLA: Wow, okay.

SARAH: Ugh I just remember the other day I went to see a movie at the Grove and I validated my parking, but I don’t think it worked right and I had to pay like $15.

KAYLA: Ew.

SARAH: ‘Cause then, fuckin’ two weeks later we went again and I validated my parking and I made sure it was right that time and that time it was only $5.
KAYLA: Hm.

SARAH: Anyway. Uh yeah, we’re- we’ve reached the end.

(laughing)

SARAH: Kayla what’s your beef and your juice this week?

KAYLA: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

SARAH: Can I tell you my beef? My beef is my ear.

KAYLA: Is it because you still have a scab in it because you keep picking it? Hmm?

SARAH: So...

KAYLA: MMM interesting!

SARAH: Well it’s in a different spot now because I kept- so it’s a different scab.

KAYLA: But it’s not.
SARAH: But, but...

KAYLA: And you can tell me.

SARAH: It’s in a different spot. Same ear but different spot.

KAYLA: Okay...

SARAH: But now I’m almost kind of concerned that like I have some sort of weird ear infection because it’s possible because I keep fucking touching it all the fuckin’ time.

KAYLA: I’m so over you… It’s been… over a month. 

SARAH: It’s a different part of my ear.
KAYLA: But-

SARAH: The other part- the other one was the shell, the external shell part of my ear, this is just fully right up in that ear.

KAYLA: Either way.

SARAH: Um don’t touch it Sarah, don’t… hhhhhhh fuck...

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: Headphone back on. Can’t touch it now!

KAYLA: You should just start wrapping your ear up.

SARAH: I can’t. I was gonna elaborate more on my ear, but you guys don’t want that information. My juice is, oh my god, today. 

KAYLA: (laughs) mhm.
SARAH: They released the BT21 Line Friends Christmas stuff and there’s a fucking Santa Claus Shooky that I fucking bought immediately. I spent way too much money on shipping. I spent half as much money on shipping as it actually cost. I don’t care. It’s fucking Shooky with a Santa hat and a little Santa beard and its just Shooky with their little toof and their little Santa beard and I’m so fuckin excited.

KAYLA: (laughs)

SARAH: Also I’m gonna get my own Christmas tree this year for the first time.

KAYLA: Wowwww!

SARAH: It won’t be full-sized but it- I think it will be medium-sized. Not like a tabletop, but not a full tree.

KAYLA: That’s very exciting.

SARAH: Umm, yes Kayla what is your beef and your juice?
KAYLA: Okay, um, I would say my beef is that the weather is finally nice here, but it’s still humid somehow?

SARAH: Bro… it had been so nice here for so many weeks… and its fucking 80 something today and I wanted to fucking die!!!

KAYLA: My other beef is I’ve had a dry cough for like 2 weeks.

SARAH: A drough if you will?

KAYLA: Yes. And the problem is there’s nothing to cough. There is nothing there. It’s just so itchy, my throat.

SARAH: Me this entire episode. I keep clearing my throat and there’s nothing there. (clears throat and coughs)

KAYLA: You have a lot of my coughs to be editing out this episode (laughs) I’ve been doing a lot of coughing-

SARAH: Fuck!

KAYLA: -while you’re talking.
SARAH: (sighs) Not the midtalk cough...

KAYLA: Classic.

SARAH: The midtalk drough.

KAYLA: (laughs) Okay. My juice… My juic~ I’ve been watching the last season of buzzfeed unsolved supernatural and it's just very good, and I love my ghoul boys.

SARAH: Ghoul boys!

KAYLA: I am Ryan, Sarah is Shane this is confirmed.

SARAH: Mm.
KAYLA: It’s very quality entertainment.

SARAH: Heyy it’s mee… ya boi.

KAYLA: Ya boi.

SARAH: I just thought of another beef that I know you share.

KAYLA: Mhm.

SARAH: So there is this whole hullabaloo about there being a sex scene in The Eternals.

KAYLA: Mm. It’s not good, it’s not good, the sex scene.

SARAH: First of all the sex scene-

KAYLA: It’s not even really-
SARAH: -it's not necessary.

KAYLA: -a sex scene.

SARAH: I mean it was fine.

KAYLA: It was not necessary to the plot.

SARAH: It wasn’t necessary to the plot and like they made such a big deal about it just because it was the first Marvel sex scene.

KAYLA: Also! Why are we making a big deal out of that when there was a gay kiss?

SARAH: I just realized-
KAYLA: Why weren’t we talking about that?

SARAH: There was a bunch of sex scenes in Deadpool but I guess that’s not MCU.

KAYLA: Mm no, it’s not.

SARAH: Yeah there was a fuckin’ gay kiss, there was GAYS! 

KAYLA: I literally-

SARAH: With a CHILD! The gays had a child!

KAYLA: I had been crying earlier in the day because I had therapy so I was like, you know when you cry and the rest of the day you’re a little prone to crying?

SARAH: Mhm.

KAYLA: So I had already been prone to crying but when the gay kiss happened I did cry. (laughs) Because I was just so pleased.

SARAH: Astounding, but yeah, my beef with the sex scene is, okay whatever it wasn’t necessary, but the allos do that shit all the time. And by “that shit” I mean putting unnecessary sex scenes and not having sex, although I guess they also do that shit all the time? The thing that bothered me was that- it - they were fucking in the sand.

KAYLA: (laughs) They were.

SARAH: In the sand.

KAYLA: And they didn’t have to be. They could have gone somewhere.
SARAH: They could have gone somewhere. The fact that it wasn’t necessary to the plot and it was in the sand was like my tipping point.

KAYLA: I will also say, I don’t wanna do too many spoilers but there is another romance part of the movie that I found incredibly unnecessary and very disappointing.

SARAH: Anyway me and Kayla just talked about a lot of spoilers for The Eternals for a good minute, uh so… 

KAYLA: Can’t have that.

SARAH: Can’t have that! Anyway we’re done now. You can tell us your beef, your juice, your thoughts on the sand in The Eternals — (deep crackly voice) I don’t like sand, it’s coarse, it gets everywhere — 

KAYLA: (British accent?) It’s coarse it gets everywhere. Notably they did not have sex in the sand.

SARAH: So true, Ani would never. (laughs)

KAYLA: No.

SARAH: Um (laughs) You can tell us about that shit on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon @soundsfakepod. We finally went through and found all the patrons who deleted, so you’re welcome to those who we’ve been advertising since August (laughs).

KAYLA: No more free shoutouts!

SARAH: No more free! No more free shoutouts! Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are: Jennifer Smart, Asritha Vinnakota, Perry Fiero, and Dee.

KAYLA: Jennifer Smart is really-!
SARAH: Jennifer Smart is the OG

KAYLA: -holding down since literally day one!

SARAH: Since literally 2017.

KAYLA: How much money?

SARAH: What an OG.

KAYLA: How much money has Jennifer Smart given us?

SARAH: I don’t know.

KAYLA: And why?

SARAH: And why. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are: Khadir who would like to promote cats named Gnocchi 'Feta' Fettuccine (quitely) not interrupting the podcast, Potater who would like to introduce- introduce??

KAYLA: Oh wow!

SARAH: (announcer voice) Potater who would like to introduce potatoes! 

(laughing)

SARAH: (announcer voice cont.) and Changeling MX who would like to introduce starshipchangeling.net!

KAYLA: Wow this is a new unwelcome energy.

SARAH: (Laughs) Our other $10 patrons are: DAVID JAY, The Stubby Tech, Rosie Costello, Hector Murillo, David Nurse, and Sherronda J Brown and also there’s more I don’t know why I stopped. 

(laughing)

SARAH: Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Anonymous, my Aunt Jeannie, Cass, Doug Rice, H. Valdís, Barefoot Backpacker, The Steve, Ari K., Mattie, and Derek and Carissa. Our $15 patrons are: Nathaniel White, NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, my mom Julie-... my mom Julie- Yeah that’s what I say.

KAYLA: What?

SARAH: (laughs) My mom Julie who’d like to promote Free Mom Hugs,

KAYLA: What’s happening?!

SARAH: I’m falling apart! (laughs) You know I stopped the content of this podcast at 45 minutes and we are…(breaking up with laughter)

KAYLA: And here we are.

SARAH: We are at 55.

KAYLA: 10 minutes later.

SARAH: (still laughing)

KAYLA: Still going. Somehow.

SARAH: Sara Jones who is @eternalloli everywhere, Martin Chiesel who’d like to promote his podcast, Everyone’s Special and No One Is, Leila who’d like to promote “Love is love” also applying to aro people and also!! Aro joy!, Shrubbery who’d like to promote The Planet Earth, Maggie Capalbo who’d like to promote their dogs Leia, Minnie and Loki, Andrew Hillum who’d like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Click4Caroline who would like to promote the (sings) the documentary she’s working on that I keep meaning to put the name in the doc~ (deep voice) and I just don’t do it. And Dragonfly who would like to promote me finding out the name of Caroline’s documentary.

KAYLA: Hold on, I can find it.

SARAH: Our $20 patrons are: Sarah T, who would like to promote long walks outside. And I would like to note that HomHomofSpades is still a patron, just not the same tier, I will miss saying HomHomofSpades every week.

KAYLA: It’s called Ace of Hearts. Is the documentary.
SARAH: Anyway this is just an FYI to the class that HomHomofSpaces is not lost to the aether, they are still supporting us, but I, you know, I knew people would miss my just butchering of HomHomofSpades every week. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your grateful, grateful little ears.

KAYLA: And until then take good care of your cows.

(50:24)