Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 307: Am I The Asshole pt. 11
Hey what's up hello! You already know what time it is.
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/transcripts/am-i-the-asshole-pt-11
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[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey what's up, hello, welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro ace girl. I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl, that's me Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, Am I the Asshole? Part 11.
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: I am so sleepy.
SARAH: Kayla took a little power nap before this podcast. Not on purpose, didn't tell me about it.
KAYLA: Yeah, well.
SARAH: I had not received responses from Kayla in a little while, even though I sent her the Zoom link and I asked her questions. And she did not answer me and I said, mmm… and her last text had been how sleepy she was. And so, I was like, mmm-hmm, so I called her on the telephone, ring-a-ling-a-ling. I left you a nice voicemail, by the way.
KAYLA: Oh my God. I can't wait.
SARAH: And she did not answer. And I said, hmm. So, I waited a couple more minutes and I sent her another little text to text and I got nothing. So, I call her again and it went straight to voicemail.
KAYLA: My phone died.
SARAH: And I was like… well, I assumed that she had just fallen asleep, but what, why?
KAYLA: But now I think she's dead.
SARAH: But now I think she was eaten by a large animal. I actually ended up texting Step Dean. Turns out he had fallen asleep also…
KAYLA: In a different location
SARAH: In a different room.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And then I Facetimed you just for fun because I wanted to see if it would wake you up and then I would just look at your face as you were just…
KAYLA: Happy, yeah, happy… no
SARAH: Finally, Kayla texted me back. So, we're here. I considered saying something in the Discord about how you were maybe dead, but then I was like, what if something actually has gone wrong?
KAYLA: Then you would feel bad.
SARAH: And I would feel bad.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, I didn't.
KAYLA: And that would be embarrassing for you.
SARAH: Anyway, welcome to the pod.
KAYLA: Hi
SARAH: I'm sorry if… I hope… we always say this and then it sounds exactly the same. Sorry if my audio sounds different. I'm on the couch right now because my desk is in pieces on purpose. I'm moving it.
KAYLA: I feel like…
SARAH: I'm going to have an office now
KAYLA: On purpose should be a new like tone indicator tag
SARAH: Slash OP
KAYLA: Slash OP
SARAH: On Pete
KAYLA: On… Ooh, slash on Pete. You know?
SARAH: I said something in the Discord the other day because I've been more active because we're growing a tree.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And…
KAYLA: Who knew that's all it took?
SARAH: My ADHD brain, that's all I need. And I said something and I was like, I don't know what the tone indicator for that… Oh, I was suggesting that they doxed themselves for content.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: And I was like, I don't know what the tone indicator for that should be because…
KAYLA: I think slash no.
SARAH: Yes. That's what I was told.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Which is a Sounds Fake pod Discord original as far as we can tell.
KAYLA: Yeah, I think it's my favorite one. And I think it's great.
SARAH: It's very good.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But we are here now. Next week, hopefully, I'll be in an office that is for podcasting. But right now, the entire contents of my desk are just spread out on the floor of that office. And my desk is still in my bedroom, but nothing else is
KAYLA: Good
SARAH: Including the drawers, the drawers are all on the floor.
KAYLA: Oh, helpful
SARAH: So, you know, that's where I'm at. Kayla, we do have housekeeping. If you have not donated to Alaa's fundraiser recently, even if you already have, if you're in a place to do it again, I would recommend doing that. I was messaging with Alaa on Instagram the other day and things are not going great.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: So, if you're in a position to donate a little bit more if you already have or donate a little bit if you have not yet or a lot a bit, that's also a delightful option. I would urge you to do so. The link is in our description and it's on all of our socials, like in our bio and stuff, so
KAYLA: Indeed. And again, if you aren't in the position to be able to do that, then sharing with people who might be able to is also very helpful.
SARAH: Yes, indeed. Kayla!
KAYLA: Mm-mm.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Imagine we just ended it. That's it.
SARAH: Anyway, Kayla.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: What are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: Assholes.
SARAH: Assholes. I floated right before this, we started recording, maybe not calling it AITA anymore, but just calling it Reddit rabbit hole or something because so many of them are just not actually AITAs. They're just Reddit things. So let us know how you feel about that or if you want us to just keep counting up to a hundred with AITAs.
KAYLA: Mm. Yeah.
SARAH: As ever, I've got a bunch of them.
KAYLA: There was one I sent you the other day, did you ever save it?
SARAH: The answer is probably, but I can't guarantee it.
KAYLA: Hmm. Good.
SARAH: My sister sent me one the other day too, that I think is in here, that I did not read because I was like, “oh, I'll save it”.
KAYLA: Hmm. Oh.
SARAH: Give me a number one through 15?
KAYLA: Fourteen.
SARAH: Are you going to make me count all the way to 14, dude? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. This one, I've just titled, ‘men are so fucked up.’
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Sorry, I have to take a deep breath before I open Instagram.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: All right. This one is an AITA. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: Am I the asshole for telling my wife I'm moving? It is up to her if she is coming with me or not.
KAYLA: Okay. All right.
SARAH: My wife and I have been married for six years and have two kids under five.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: We live on the East Coast in a two-bedroom small house. Cost of living here is insane. They shortened it as C-O-L and I was like, Colorado? Colorado here on the East Coast is insane. Anyway.
KAYLA: Imagine
SARAH: Cost of living here is insane. My parents moved down South a few years ago. My mother called me up a few weeks ago to tell me about a house in their community that is up for sale. They are good friends with the owner and can get us a good deal for the house. To me, this sounds amazing. Everything there is cheaper and we will have more space and more bedrooms for our kids. I work from home so I talked to work and I will be able to keep my job no problem. My wife would need to leave hers but I could cover us until she finds a new one. I contacted a real estate agent to get an estimate on how much we can get for our house here and it's a good amount and would make the move easy. Once I had everything worked out and I was sure it was a good idea, I brought it to my wife. She was totally against it immediately. She doesn't want to leave her job, she doesn't want to move the kids away from her family, and she doesn't want to leave her friends. I explained to her that when she puts her selfish reasons aside, this was a great opportunity for our kids. We will have more money and more space, a big backyard, and we will be close to my parents so our kids won't be without family. She said no, there was no chance…
KAYLA: What about her family?
SARAH: Yeah. Exactly. Also, his parents were the ones that moved away in the first place. Anyway, okay, okay, okay. She said there was no chance. Her life is here and has been her entire life and she has no intentions to change that. I was pissed and slept on the couch that night. I spent all night thinking about it and came to the decision that if she doesn't want to do the right thing by our kids, I will. I laid it out for her, it was up to her if she wanted to move but I had made the decision to move. She could either come with me or we could divorce.
KAYLA: That is so crazy
SARAH: She could sell the house, split it, and I will use my half for the new home down south and she can do whatever she can with her half up here. Probably would have to rent. We would also have to work out custody of our kids. I told her she has a month to make the decision but I was going to start the process and get all my business in order. She told me I was being crazy and has only been speaking to me about the kids for the last week. I have been in contact with the seller of the new house and I'm getting things in motion. My parents told me I'm doing the right thing and looking out for my kids. I ran up by my friend who told me I'm being an asshole for expecting my wife to change her entire life but this is what is best for our kids and I think she needs to grow up, stop being selfish, and think of our kids.
KAYLA: Oooooooookay.
SARAH: I love how he's like, I'm doing this for my kids.
KAYLA: No, he's not. He's doing it so he can live next to his mommy.
SARAH: So his mommy can take care of his kids.
KAYLA: This is literally boy mom central.
SARAH: Like how do you know it's the right thing for your kids if you didn't discuss it with your spouse?
KAYLA: He's so confident.
SARAH: Also, here's the thing. Sure, they might have a bigger yard, more space, they might have more money for frivolous things, but there are other factors that go into the community where you live. How good is the public school system?
KAYLA: True
SARAH: What is the environment like there? And I don't mean that just in climate but also in like, is it super fucking polluted? Like there are so many factors that go into that and this guy is just like, but I want to be by my mommy and my wife doesn't want to leave her mommy. That's so selfish of her.
KAYLA: It's just so, it's so manipulative.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: The fact that he decided he wanted to move to the south and then after sleeping on it for one night decided he was going to give his wife the ultimatum that either she would go with him or they would get a divorce says a lot about the strength of their relationship and where their relationship was at to begin with.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: I hope his wife doesn't feel blindsided by this. I hope that she kind of knew that things were headed in not necessarily this specific southern direction but I hope that she wasn't totally surprised by it. But…
KAYLA: Also, wild that he's like, I'm doing this for my children. This is what's best for my children. As if your parents getting divorced and living across the country is the best. Also, he was like, well, he was like, regardless, we're going to sell our house so that I can buy this house. How is that best for your children?
SARAH: And then if she wants to stay, she'll probably have to rent, which is, first of all, having divorced parents that live across the country, not better for the kids. If her kids have to live in a situation where they're renting, that means they have less, not like the children, not like a two-year-old needs a lot of power over their own housing situation.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: But like, you know, renting is just, it's different than like, you can get evicted, you know?
KAYLA: What an idiot.
SARAH: All the comments are like; I hope your wife gets a really good lawyer.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: This person is saying, your divorce is going to cost you a lot more than you think.
KAYLA: Because if all that comes out in like the custody too, like, I don't know that it really, if it's like bad enough to impact the custody he'll get, but it can't help.
SARAH: Yeah. I also like how he was like, I got everything set up. Like I knew it would all be perfect. And then I brought it to my wife. She should be so grateful that I figured out everything for her and then just brought her a finished product. I'm giving her one month to make a decision. Otherwise, we're getting divorced. What the fuck is wrong with you?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's very… it's very, yeah.
SARAH: Oh man, what a fun time. Um, all right. Give me another number between one and 15 that is not 14.
KAYLA: Seven.
SARAH: This one is not an AITA, but I labeled it as an example of the many reasons that people have sex.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: So here we are. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: This is from the r slash true off my chest, which we get a lot off of here. If it's not an AITA, it's either from here or confessions, probably.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Um, so this person says, I had sex with my disabled wife and I feel horrible.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: My wife is a T4 paraplegic and has been… it's probably paraplegic. I think me saying paraplegic just really outed my accent real bad right there. Anyway. Sorry. My wife is a T4 paraplegic and has been for about a year and a half. We haven't had any sex since she became this way. And recently she asked me if I'd be interested in trying to have sex. And I said I'd love to. Everything seemed to be fine, actually. While we were having sex, I asked her if she was enjoying herself and she said she was, I thought she was enjoying it. Afterwards, I asked her how she felt and she told me that she couldn't really feel anything sexually besides me kissing on her, but that she enjoyed seeing me enjoy myself with her. This honestly hurt me a little bit as she couldn't enjoy herself sexually. And now it feels as if I just took advantage of her. I feel like a monster.
KAYLA: Hmm. Um, that's actually really interesting. I mean, I don't think you took advantage of her. She was the one that asked and you checked in throughout the thing.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I feel like he did everything correctly.
SARAH: Yes. And like, I understand feeling guilty that they aren't necessarily getting out of the interaction, what you're getting out of the interaction. But that doesn't mean they're not getting something valuable out of it.
KAYLA: Yeah, true. There's… yeah, there's more than like sexual feelings that can come out of it. That's not like the only thing.
SARAH: Yeah. And all the comments are basically just saying like, like this, the top set one says, please do not discredit how much this meant to her. She clearly told you how much she enjoyed seeing you enjoy yourself. Being close to you and sharing with you intimately clearly meant a lot to her. Not everything has to be sexual fulfillment. You did not take advantage of her. You share with her, with consent, something very meaningful. Love her, touch her, appreciate the wonderful gift she was able to give you in return. Like, yeah.
KAYLA: Exactly.
SARAH: I understand why this guy felt uncomfortable with it. But…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Get over it
KAYLA: I mean, I think that's something I've read from people that like their partner is ace. I feel like we've read some posts before of like, I like don't have any interest in having sex with someone who isn't sexually attracted to me or like, I feel weird about having sex with someone who's like not fully into it, that they're doing it more for me, which like you said, like I kind of get, especially when we've been conditioned to think of sex in a certain way, but…
SARAH: And in some ways I think thinking that way is healthy, especially if you're, if you've been socialized as a man, because it shows that you care about your partner's experience and your partner's pleasure and the whole thing, which is good.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But also, if they're saying that they're having a good time, even if they're not experiencing it the same way that maybe they used to, you take them at their word, you know, you clearly love this person and you trust this person, so
KAYLA: Yeah, I think, I don't know, something I often find that like needs to happen in close relationships is like just taking people at their word. Like I think you can get so wrapped up in being like, oh, did they just say that to be nice? Or like, did they actually mean it? And at a certain point you just need to like take them at their word and trust it. And if they were lying, then like, that's something that they're going to have to… like at a certain point, that's someone else's problem that they were lying. You know?
SARAH: Yeah. And like clearly these people have a strong relationship. So yeah. And if you've been in a relationship with someone that long and you can't trust them, that's like another, that's a whole other problem.
KAYLA: Yeah. Then we have some other issues.
SARAH: Yeah. One to 15, not seven or 14.
KAYLA: Two.
SARAH: Two. This one I described as divorce him so fast.
KAYLA: What a divorce.
SARAH: All right. This is from a, it's from r slash beyond the bump. So, it's like a pregnancy Reddit.
KAYLA: Beyond the bump, that's a lot for me.
SARAH: I really hate it actually, but, um, okay. I am seriously considering… nope, that's not what it says. I am seriously contemplating divorcing my husband over a prank.
KAYLA: Do it.
SARAH: Like I don't even have to read on like I'm in many… in many cases, I am just so anti-prank. I don't like pranks. Anyway, okay. I am seriously contemplating divorcing my husband over a prank. Three pranks in particular have angered me to the point of tears, raging out, and now I am contemplating divorce. Prank one was making coffees for our guests with my breast milk. I am having trouble pumping...
KAYLA: Noooo
SARAH: So, I don't have much stored away.
KAYLA: Nope.
SARAH: I was so angry and embarrassed.
KAYLA: That's messed up.
SARAH: It is messed up, especially if like she's having trouble like producing, like…
KAYLA: If that is like at a premium, like hard to get that's like, ah, it's such a waste
SARAH: And like formula…
KAYLA: It’s so expensive
SARAH: First of all is not the same as breast milk, but also, it's so expensive.
KAYLA: So expensive.
SARAH: Okay. Prank two was pretending to have cut his fingers off in the garden. He dragged it on for ages too and put fake blood around. Not just a quick little joke.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Lastly prank three, which happened today and I feel is my final straw. Last night I was hinting about breakfast in bed. So, this morning he brings me in a coffee toast and some chocolates. What I assumed was peanut butter on my toast was in fact our baby's poop.
KAYLA: No
SARAH: And as I have severe sinus issues, I didn't realize so like she didn't smell it. And took a small bite. I spat it out straight away. He laughed hysterically and I told him to get out. He later messaged me and said all this– all his workmates thought it was hilarious, which is just embarrassing on top of it all.
KAYLA: Yeah, I… yeah.
SARAH: That's like a… like health and safety concern also.
KAYLA: Yes. That's just…
SARAH: You can't just like eat baby shit.
KAYLA: No. Also just like the fact that you're doing this to like a new mother, like, is she not going through enough?
SARAH: Is she not going through enough being married to you?
KAYLA: Fair. Like I do not think it's silly that she's considering divorce, especially because I'm assuming there has been a conversation after each prank of like, hey, I really hated that.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And he just keeps doing it.
SARAH: It just shows that he has no respect for her. There are people out there who might be like, oh, I'm a woman. I would find that funny. And it's like, okay, but you're not her
KAYLA: You marry him then
SARAH: Yeah, you're not in that relationship. And like, if you're in a relationship with someone and it is purportedly a healthy relationship, like you need to take their needs into consideration. And even if you think something is funny, if they're like, I actually really didn't like that. I felt disrespected. You know, I felt like whatever, then you don't fucking do shit like that again.
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: Yeah. And the fact too that… I have to imagine she was very upset after it happened, like the poop thing and yelled at him and then he still like went to work and told his co-workers.
SARAH: And told his friends, yeah.
KAYLA: Like, why would you do that?
SARAH: Yeah. So...
KAYLA: That's yucky.
SARAH: There's that. One to 15, not two, seven or 14.
KAYLA: 10.
SARAH: Oh, this is one that I haven't read myself yet.
KAYLA: Ooooh
SARAH: My sister sent it to me a while ago and told me that it was an aspec nightmare. So, I look forward to finding out what nightmare this is. Okay. It's long. Everyone settle in.
KAYLA: All right.
SARAH: Are you sitting down? Do you have a drink? Okay.
KAYLA: Uh, yes.
SARAH: So, this is like cross posted 45 times. It was originally from throw RA proposing. What does that mean?
KAYLA: Throw AR proposing
SARAH: Throw RA proposing overview.
KAYLA: I cannot think of what that would be.
SARAH: I don't understand what the RA is or the throwing is anyway. Okay, here we go. My (25 F) best friend (24 M) proposed to me. I'm confused and mortified. Where can we go from here?
KAYLA: Uh oh
SARAH: Frankly, I'm still in shock that this happened. So, this might be all over the place. Bear with me, all fake names, et cetera, et cetera. Jordan and I met in university two years ago. We both started at the same time because of our… and because of our ages, we were both considered mature students. So, we quickly became firm friends as we shared a dorm and we joke around together about us being old enough to be considered mature in our early twenties. We weren't on the same course, but given we lived together… did they live like together together or in the same building? Because they're not the same gender.
KAYLA: Hmm. Yeah. They, I mean…
SARAH: And it seems like they live in some sort of student housing.
KAYLA: I mean, maybe in the same suite, but I don't know in the same building. Yeah.
SARAH: It seems also like this person is British. I guess they could be Aussie also just based on the language they're using.
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: My guess is British. Um, uh, okay. Okay. We weren't on the same course, but given we lived together, we could hang out pretty much all the time whenever we didn't have a lecture, we joined a bunch of societies together, went drinking every weekend together, et cetera, et cetera. It was a pretty sweet gig because it meant we were at least never alone. Obviously, we made other friends, both alone and together, but we were always each other's number one at the end of the day. At the moment we're on spring holidays for Easter. And while we haven't hung out constantly, we decided to make plans to visit each other's hometowns because we're from very starkly different places. Today we went to mine. Mine is a big city central. This morning we went there and we were wandering down the streets doing some sightseeing because he's never been. There's typically a lot of street sellers here trying to sell you everything from hot dogs to fluffy Pokemon hats. I decided I wanted to get a caricature done. I've never had one and I thought it would be funny to get and hang over my bed when we got back for term. I asked Jordan if he wanted to get in and he refused. No worries. So I sat down and got it done. They don't take very long, five to 10-ish minutes. So I stayed, looked straight forward at the artist the entire time. He finished the caricature. I loved it. So, obviously I turned to show it properly to Jordan. When I turn though…
KAYLA: Nope
SARAH: I literally don't even know what to say. He's down on one knee holding up a ring box. How long was he on one knee?
KAYLA: Yeah. The whole time?
SARAH: I don't even really know what he said if he did the whole like proposal speech thing because I was so confused. I was barely paying attention. Remember again, this is a super busy tourist city. So, this has drawn a mini crowd now coming over to cheer us on.
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: I couldn't help but burst into laughter. To be honest, I thought this was some kind of odd prank-type thing. We never have been prankster types or whatever, but I couldn't come up with a reasonable explanation. So, I just laughed and laughed and laughed until I looked at Jordan and he looked genuinely heartbroken. So obviously I asked him something along the lines of, you're not being serious. This is the only thing I remember him saying. He shut the box, stood up, shrugged and said, “I guess not anymore” and walked off.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: This left me standing pretty awkwardly in this gathered crowd of people. A lot of people were giving me dirty looks, which made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. The plan was to meet back up at a hotel that we had booked rooms next door to each other. So I figure that's where he's going and head back that way, but he's not there. So I wait and wait and he still doesn't return. I text with a lot of concern. This was at 1.15 PM. Currently it is 6.20 PM as I'm writing this, just asking if he's okay. He responds with a long message back, which I would post because it's an odd read, but I won't out of respect for his privacy, in which he basically accuses me of leading him on, asking why I didn't break up with him sooner
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Saying I had publicly humiliated him and that he thought I loved him the same way and that he felt our relationship was strong enough to consider taking the next step. Now this is completely out of left field. I literally have got no idea where in the world he's got this idea from. The closest we've ever physically been is a hug hello and goodbye. I've never even jokingly flirted with him for exactly this reason. I've had too many friendships collapse because they can't tell the difference between serious interests and joking banter and friendships, so I've been careful not to. We have never kissed, never been on a date, never had sex. I do not find him physically attractive and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. I don't understand where on earth he has got this idea that we are. This isn't something he has ever brought up before this and I'm genuinely bewildered. He hasn't returned to the hotel yet. I periodically knocked to check and I've been listening out for him walking up to the hallway or anything. Nothing. I haven't responded to his long paragraph because honestly, I don't know how to. I'm just so stunned and taken aback that I genuinely have no idea where to go from here or what to do. I haven't told anyone I know in person yet, mostly because I don't want to bring this up to people who know Jordan. So here I am turning to strangers on Reddit instead. What in the world do I do? TLDR, my best friend of two years seems to think we're in a relationship and decided to publicly propose to me, I have no idea what to do.
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: There are updates.
KAYLA: Okay, thank God.
SARAH: But this is so, what…
KAYLA: I don't even know what to say to that.
SARAH: The only reasonable conclusion I can think of is that this Jordan is autistic, has some inability to read cues. That's the only excuse I can think of for acting this way.
KAYLA: Or has never been in a relationship, so maybe thinks that this is what... But the fact that there is, like, I just don't understand because how… you've never had a conversation about being in a relationship.
SARAH: Never had a conversation about what your relationship is, about being exclusive, about… You've never been on what you consider to be a date, you've never kissed, you've never had sex. You don't have to do those things. But like, they are genuinely or generally indicators that maybe you are in a relationship that is not just platonic.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And there were none of those indicators. I'm baffled.
KAYLA: I'm so confused.
SARAH: Also, the fact that this person clearly doesn't even really know them well enough to think that maybe I shouldn't propose in a public place…
KAYLA: Oh, that’s the thing too is like…
SARAH: It seems she was really uncomfortable with it, like, regardless.
KAYLA: I am just not a huge fan of public proposals, unless you are 1000% sure the person will say yes.
SARAH: Yeah. I love, like, a double Disney proposal. Like, that's great.
KAYLA: Sure.
SARAH: Like clearly…
KAYLA: But, like… I feel like that should only be for couples who have talked about getting engaged and like, know it's happening and it's just a matter of when.
SARAH: The fact that dog had a ring, like, he'd been preparing for this, like, what? And then he thought this moment was the right one? How long was he on one knee?
KAYLA: And, like, did he… Usually when you propose to someone, I feel like you talk to some people about it. like, your friends or, like… but I feel like if he had told any of their mutual friends, they would probably have been like, huh?
SARAH: Yeah. All right. Would you like some updates?
KAYLA: Please.
SARAH: So, this update was from one day later: Jordan did, in fact, not come back to the hotel. I stayed up until 1am before falling asleep and he didn't return. When I woke up the next day, the hotel staff let me know he had checked himself out at 6am. I did end up responding to his big long text. I took everyone's advice and I told him that I was sorry it didn't go as he had expected, but that I wasn't sure where he got the impression that we were together. I said I'd be happy to sit and have a discussion about it all so we could make sure we're on the same page. He was not happy about this at all. So, he again went off with a bunch of the same type of thing he said in his first message. I didn't really seem to be going through his head at all. Even in these new texts, he kept referring to this all as me breaking up with him
KAYLA: What?
SARAH: Despite me explicitly telling him we are not and never have been together. I think this one is… right here.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Again, all his messages were very clear and coherent, even if what he was saying was not based in reality at all. He wasn't sending paragraphs, just sentences in really quick succession, which was blowing my phone up. So clearly, he's not thinking about what he's saying in advance. He’s just like… He told me he didn't want to meet up with me to talk because I had ripped out his heart and crushed it in public. You're the one that did it in public, bro!
KAYLA: Yeah, it’s his fault, it didn't have to be that way.
SARAH: I did ask him for specific instances he could recall between us that made him think we were dating, but he completely ignored the question and just kept going on and on and on about how hurt he was that I was breaking up with him and how he felt his world was ending. He said he loved me more than anything and had felt so confident that I had too, which is why he felt so certain about proposing to move our relationship along. Parenthesis, question mark, question mark, question mark. You know, the only other instance I can think of where like this might make sense is if you are having a psychotic break
[00:30:00]
SARAH: Like if you are having a mental health emergency that you have not experienced before. And so, the people in your life don't understand what's going on either.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean…
SARAH: I'm just trying to think of like, what logical explanation
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean, part of it kind of seems like him like sending those kind of like rapid texts in quick succession, like I feel like could be like a psychotic break type of thing. I mean, part of me wonders if it's like worst case scenario, if it's like a manipulation thing of him just like deciding that he likes her and like wants this to happen. So, he's just going to like guilt her into it. Like, is it kind of like a nice guy finishes last situation?
SARAH: I think that must be what it is. But the thing that's so wild to me is that she never saw this coming. And there are two years of being best friends.
KAYLA: She'd never been…
SARAH: She never saw this coming.
KAYLA: I think he has a crush on me or like…
SARAH: Like, not even that, not even like, oh, I didn't think he had a crush on me because like, okay, I'm stupid. I could see how you could like miss something like that. But like, the fact that she never got any indication that he was the kind of person who would pull something like this.
KAYLA: Yeah. Because clearly, they're close, like they're meeting each other's family, they're traveling together like…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: That's not like, small.
SARAH: Sorry, I did interrupt in the middle of the update. I was just shook. Okay. Eventually, to be honest, I grew pretty tired of the conversation and stopped responding because it was just going around and around in circles. Me asking where he got this idea, him ignoring this and telling me how hurt he is. I'm breaking up with him over this, et cetera, et cetera. He went on in saying that he thought it would be a ring I like because it was my favorite gem Ruby instead of diamond. It has got me wondering how much he actually spent on this damn thing. I didn't look very clearly at the ring, so I couldn't tell if it was something super expensive or not. And that he had been working up the courage to do so for a while and figure doing it when I was at home would make it more special yet in public at a fucking caricature
KAYLA: Why? Why dude?
SARAH: For a while, he was just talking to himself in my texts because I wasn't responding anymore. When I checked back about 20 minutes later, I had something like 60 messages from him.
KAYLA: Oh, God
SARAH: Granted, they were all one sentence. At the very end, he apologized and told me that it didn't matter anyway, because I wouldn't see him around anymore. Obviously, I was concerned, so I asked for clarification. He said that he was going to drop out of university and go back home because he couldn't deal with the shame. That is where our conversation ended. I really didn't know how to respond to that. As it stands now, I don't really know where Jordan is. I didn't ask him, which is my bad. I'm not sure if slash when we will talk again. I'm sorry. This is quite a boring update. It feels like a lot is unanswered. I haven't reached out to his family yet. I did consider it, but if he's not having a mental health crisis, I don't really want to involve them unnecessarily.
KAYLA: I mean
SARAH: We have one more update.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: So, adding on, a lot of people said I should ask our mutual friends if he has ever brought this up before, ever suggested we were dating, et cetera. All the people I've asked, granted it was only five, that's still a lot of people…
KAYLA: A pretty decent amount of people
SARAH: Said that they've not got a clue and he's never mentioned it before now. I don't know then if this is something that he's newly started thinking, if it's been something long term, et cetera. Either way, in addition, I've also screenshotted all of his texts, et cetera, just in case. Reading back on them, not with a slightly less confused mindset, they read pretty manic. Still haven't heard back from his mom just yet, but then there's a thing that… it just says, hey, I'm not dead. I'm back at my parents' house at the moment and I'll be staying here until school picks back up a bit instead of traveling around, it's nice to be home anyways. Oh, I think, I think this is OP saying like I decided to stay. I decided not to, I don't know, unclear.
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Yep.
KAYLA: That is, I mean, to me, the only explanation is some sort of like mental health crisis because like if none of their friends have heard anything about it, it seems like this is very out of character for him.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Like, yeah, I don't know.
SARAH: And all the comments are like, you know, like, I hope she stays safe. Like they were like, if you haven't told your parents yet, you really should. Like just… So that like, you know, people know that because, well, he now knows where her parents live probably. Like he probably has their address. So…
KAYLA: Yeah, clearly. Yeah. He's upset. So…
SARAH: Yeah. And the fact that he was like so embarrassed that he dropped out of school.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, it's all very, very…
SARAH: Threatened to at least.
KAYLA: Yeah. It's all just very drastic actions. Like he's just going, like there is no half measures happening, which is really scary when people start acting that way.
SARAH: Yeah. There's a comment that says, there was a Reddit story like this from the guy's point of view. He was confused why his girlfriend was introducing him as a friend at work parties. She talked about wanting to be married before 30. So, he bought her a ring.
KAYLA: Oh
SARAH: Turns out they weren't even dating, but he's asexual. So, he thought this was their relationship, even though he never asked her out.
KAYLA: Oh, that's kind of cute and… but in a sad way.
SARAH: It's giving autistic rizz, but no rizz.
KAYLA: Oh man. That's sad.
SARAH: It's brutal. Yeah. So that's that.
KAYLA: I mean, I don't… oh man. I hope everyone is like… I hope he's okay. I hope she's okay.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like that's very unfortunate.
SARAH: Yeah. Um, I understand why my sister said that was an aspec nightmare.
KAYLA: Yeah, fair.
SARAH: Uh, give me another number.
KAYLA: Um, five.
SARAH: One, two, three, four, five. This I have labeled as a real AITA.
KAYLA: Oh shit.
SARAH: Okay. This is another one that I have not read in full yet because I saw it and I said, that looks interesting. Let me save it. All right. AITA for canceling the payments my husband is paying his family from our joint bank account, which I thought he was putting in savings and paying off his debts.
KAYLA: Huh?
SARAH: I (28 F) have been married to my husband (32 M) for three years. We've both come from humble backgrounds but we've worked hard to build a comfortable life together. Currently, I am the primary breadwinner working a well-paying job while my husband is between jobs and taking care of our home. Recently I discovered that my husband has been sending money to his family every month without discussing with me first. I understand that he wants to help his family out as they're not financially stable, but I feel hurt and betrayed that he did not talk to me about it before making these decisions. This came to light when I noticed some unusual transactions in our joint bank account. When I confronted him, he admitted that he has been sending a significant portion of our income, about $2,000 a month to his parents and siblings. I was shocked and upset, not because I don't want to help his family, but because he didn't think it was necessary to have a conversation with me about it. We have some financial goals that we're working towards, including saving for a house and paying off his debts, which is what he told me the monthly transfers were contributing toward. With me being the sole earner right now, it feels like a lot of pressure and finding out about these undisclosed transactions made me feel even more stressed. When I expressed my feelings, my husband got defensive and accused me of being selfish and not understanding his obligations to his family. I told him he had no obligation of any sort and that he had an obligation toward paying off his debt and if he wanted to send the money to his family, he could pay them with money he was earning, not my check. I cancelled the auto payments and his mother and sister called asking what happened. He's mad that I stopped the payments and that his family is after him to return to the status quo of him sending the monthly payments. He thinks I'm overreacting and that it's his right to help his family whenever they need it, regardless of our situation. Now I'm left feeling guilty and wondering if I'm being unreasonable, am I the asshole for canceling the payments?
KAYLA: Oh man, that's complicated. I mean, it's messed up that he lied.
SARAH: It's complicated, but it's not that complicated. I think the reason it's not that complicated is because he lied about it.
KAYLA: I think for me, the big things about why I'm more on her side is A, he lied, so he like… that tells you something about… like why did he feel the need to lie.
SARAH: Well, it leads me to believe that… because she said I noticed the unusual whatever, so I asked him about it and it seems like… he was like, oh, it's going towards this and that and then only later she found out that he was lying. So, it's not like it was something they discussed where he was like, oh, I'm taking $2,000 a month and putting it towards this. It wasn't like he said that and then put it towards something else. It was that he was being secretive about it. When she asked about him, he lied about what it was and then she found out.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's that. And then the fact that it's her money. She is the sole person bringing in money right now, which like, yes, they are a partnership. They should be making money decisions together. I'm not saying just because she's the only one bringing in money, she should have control over all of their finances. I don't think that's fair.
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: But for something as big as that, like I do think that she would have more power in the decision-making for something that's like that much money.
SARAH: $2,000 a month is a lot of money.
KAYLA: That's a lot of money.
SARAH: That's a lot of money. So, it's really wild. And also, the fact that he… when she asked him what it was, the fact that he felt the need to lie about it.
KAYLA: Yeah. That tells you that there's like something wrong there, like he knows that it shouldn't be happening.
SARAH: Yeah. This person says separate bank accounts pronto put him on an allowance like the child he is.
KAYLA: Oh my God.
SARAH: That would contemplate your future with him.
KAYLA: That's funny. And also, the debt thing is so serious because when you get married to someone, their debt becomes yours.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And if they had like made a decision together that they were going to work off his debt and then he's not putting money towards that. I mean, that seriously affects her too. That's not just a him issue anymore.
SARAH: Yeah. This person says $2,000 a month sounds more like a grift than anything else. The whole family is running a long con.
KAYLA: I also like… I find it a little weird how demanding his family was that it happened, start up again.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like I understand they may be very dependent on it. Things might be really bad for them. But also like it feels a little icky to just be like, start giving me money again. What are you doing?
[00:40:00]
SARAH: Yeah. Like do they know the full story of like him lying about it and like, you know? Yeah. I understand that if you like, as you said, $2,000 a month is a lot of money and that can make a difference if you're receiving… like it can make a huge difference if you're receiving that. But like at the same time, you have to understand that even though it is your family and I know that different cultures and different individuals have different viewpoints on this. But like in my mind, even if it is your family, that's not an obligation it's not something that they owe you.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And it is a gift.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: It is a gift to you. And if they want to continue giving that gift every month for the rest of your lives, great. I'm happy for you. Like I'm glad that you…
KAYLA: It’s not something you should be expecting
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Like that's a lot of pressure, especially because it sounds like he's giving money to his parents and siblings. Like that is a lot of people to be supporting as one person. I just don't think that's possible to do that.
SARAH: As one person who doesn't have a job, it's his wife who's supporting them.
KAYLA: Right. And she didn't agree with that.
SARAH: And she doesn't know it. And she doesn't know it.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's messed up.
SARAH: Let's do one more. And if you pick one that's long, I'll tell you to pick another one.
KAYLA: Two.
SARAH: We already did two.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Can we do four?
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: This one is just so wild that I feel the need. My brother doesn't understand why I won't come to a naturist resort for his wedding. Kayla, do you know what a naturist resort is?
KAYLA: Because you're asking, I get the vibe it's like a nudist colony or something.
SARAH: Let's read on.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Why do I feel like Kelsey McKinney on Normal Gossip? Kayla, do you know what a nudist resort is?
KAYLA: Do you know?
SARAH: What a… fuck. I fucked it up. A naturist resort? Okay. OP says: my philosophy is that I don't care what others do as long as someone isn't hurting or infringing on my rights or the rights of others. Whatever consenting adults do in their private lives is none of my concern. This extends to my brother and his fiancée being naturists. However, I do take issue with them being angry that I won't attend their wedding. They are having their wedding and reception at a naturist resort. They met there and I understand it holds significance for them. I even checked if nudity is a requirement for the ceremony and reception or if it's regular wedding attire. It is a requirement to be nude though, just like all other times at the resort. I've offered to pay for a separate reception for them. However, this has just made them angrier. I'm not comfortable being nude in front of a large crowd of strangers either at the wedding or in the resort period. I was asked to be a bridesmaid– Oh, this is a woman.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: That adds a whole other layer in my mind– I was asked to be a bridesmaid even though I don't know my brother's fiancée well enough to be friends– Oh, so she was asked to be a bridesmaid in the bride’s party.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah. I was asked to be a bridesmaid even though I don't know my brother's fiancé well enough to be friends. I moved from Darwin to Adelaide for work before my brother met her. I am completely not comfortable walking up the aisle arm in arm with a groomsman I've never met when we're both nude or standing in front of everyone during the ceremony or being in all photographs when I'm nude. My brother's fiancée said if she looked like me, she would go nude all the time, but it's not about that.
KAYLA: It’s such a weird thing to say
SARAH: I'm not saying being a naturist is wrong. I'm not saying they should not get married at the naturist resort. I'm just uncomfortable with attending the wedding if I'm required to be nude for it. I don't know about his fiancée’s family, but some of my siblings and cousins or their spouses are also uncomfortable. My parents are no longer with us, so I can't ask them for advice. I'm just wanting to get off my chest how I feel about my brother not understanding my discomfort with this.
KAYLA: That is… it’s so bizarre. Like…
SARAH: I have a question. So…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It's a resort, right?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: There are employees. Are… the employees are naked too?
KAYLA: I mean, it seems like
SARAH: Are there like naked people cooking in the kitchen? That seems dangerous.
KAYLA: That's actually a good question. I don't know. It does seem like a health hazard.
SARAH: Does that mean that you wear shoes?
KAYLA: I hope so. It feels dangerous.
SARAH: What is naturalist?
KAYLA: Well, you're asking the right questions. I never really considered shoes.
SARAH: Because I would think that if it is fully nude, that means no shoes. It's weird to wear shoes and nothing else.
KAYLA: But when I think of like a resort called something for naturists, I feel like they're in a forest and I feel like you need shoes to be safe.
SARAH: Is it paved? What's the floor like?
KAYLA: I don’t know
SARAH: Anyway, um, look, if you want to get married at a naturalist resort, where people are nude, you have to… I understand that if the naturalist resort has a policy that everyone must be nude. And I understand that policy too.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Because if there are people there who are not nude, who are perhaps never nudes, and… if you know you know, it creates like a weird dynamic where people might get uncomfortable about the fact that, you know
KAYLA: Yes, I think it creates an odd like power dynamic.
SARAH: Yeah. And so, I understand why that is the resort's policy. However, if you want to hold your wedding there, and there is not an option to not be butt ass naked, then you have to accept that people, many people will not want to come to your wedding, including people who are very close to you.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: You… if you want to do that, have two fucking weddings.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like this… OP literally said that she would pay for another reception.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like, the fuck?
KAYLA: It's just like… it shows like a real lack of concern to me because like, from like a trauma-informed lens, there are so many reasons that someone might be uncomfortable being nude in front of others, especially as a woman.
SARAH: The fact that the fiancée was like, if I had a body like yours, I would be nude all the time.
KAYLA: That's weird.
SARAH: That's so insensitive.
KAYLA: You can't say things like that.
SARAH: You can't.
KAYLA: It's just like you don't… like, yes, it could be as simple as just like, I don't want people looking at me like that. But there could be like, so many deep-rooted issues in someone's life that makes them not comfortable with that. And you're just going to like get pissed at them.
SARAH: Also, like, that's your brother. That's just like, kind of weird.
KAYLA: And the fact that it's like a family thing. It's like, do I really want to be naked with my family? I don't… personally no.
SARAH: Like I would hope that there would not be any. I guess they probably don't allow minors in this resort. I bet.
KAYLA: I hope not.
SARAH: I hope not. It's just so wild. It's just so wild to me. And also, the fact that like, it seems like a resort like this or like a… if you're a naturalist and that's what you're into. I would think, I would hope that you are accepting of the fact that like, you're doing something outside of the norm.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And not everyone…
KAYLA: Do you think that's like part of it?
SARAH: Yeah, like you would understand that that's not going to be for everyone. Just as you not wanting to wear clothes is not for you. Like people not wanting to not wear clothes is maybe not for them. And so not being able to extend that understanding to other people and like… essentially like judging them and being like, oh, you must not love us without considering like… that there are so many reasons why someone would be uncomfortable with this.
KAYLA: It's very odd. It's very odd.
SARAH: What? I wonder how many weddings they have at this naturalist resort.
KAYLA: I don't know. I mean, it would make sense to me to have like, especially if that's where they met to have a reception for like their nudist friends
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Or like just have the ceremony there and they can have a separate reception.
SARAH: Or like a small ceremony.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like I think that's totally fine.
KAYLA: I think that's great, but I don't think it has to be the whole thing if you have non-nudist family members.
SARAH: Yeah. It's just bizarre.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Bizarre choices all around. All right. That's all. Kayla, what's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Would you go to a nudist wedding?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: There you go.
SARAH: No, I would not.
KAYLA: There you go. There's your answer.
SARAH: Is that our poll? Shall that be our poll?
KAYLA: Yeah, that's it.
SARAH: All right. Cool. Kayla, what's your beef and your juice this week?
KAYLA: I thought of one earlier and I should have written it down because now...
SARAH: Rookie missed steak.
KAYLA: It's gone. Um...
SARAH: I have some. Should I do mine?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: My juice is Jin came back. Jin is free. Jin is not in the military anymore. All of the members were together and there was a photograph of it and we saw it and Namjoon played the fucking saxophone? Like he… like, okay, all of them except for Yoongi were at his at his base when he got released into the wild and Namjoon brought a saxophone and was playing it as he was leaving the base. And so, they're all emo like hugging each other. Also, the other members like hugging each other because they haven't seen each other. And then Namjoon is just like fucking playing Dynamite on the tenor sax.
KAYLA: If I was released from the military, would you play the saxophone for me?
SARAH: Can I play a French horn?
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay, thank you.
SARAH: Um, and then people were saying that they think that the part of the reason he might have done that was so that the press that was there couldn't hear their conversations.
KAYLA: That's smart.
[00:50:00]
SARAH: It's like actually that's very smart. But there are photos, that are press photos, that like you don't really want to like spread them around because like they're not… like yes, the press was there but like it's a weirdly invasive thing, like a lot of… a lot of…
KAYLA: Very personal moment
SARAH: Yeah, a lot of like the like official Korean press in a lot of ways is like paparazzi in some ways so it's like… there's a… there's a weird line but there are like photos that are just extremely funny of like members like emotionally reuniting and in the background is Namjoon with a fucking saxophone wearing bedazzled jorts
KAYLA: I love that
SARAH: Anyway, that's my juice, Jin is back, our father is back. My beef is I'm coming down with something, I'm sure y'all can hear it
KAYLA: She's unwell
SARAH: There's a sickness striking me. I'm not sure what it is but it's impacting my left nostril more than my right at present
KAYLA: Oh, good
SARAH: How about you?
KAYLA: My beef is that it's going to be in the 90s next week and I don't have any interest in that
SARAH: Boo. Sorry, I was thinking about Yoongi
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: It was the first time we have seen him. It's our first proof of life, we didn't think we'd see any photos of him in the entire year of 2024, he had his toes out, classic Yoongi, continue
KAYLA: Are you done?
SARAH: For now
KAYLA: Okay. My juice is one of my co-workers gave me a sticker today
SARAH: Oooh
KAYLA: Very nice.
SARAH: What sticker?
KAYLA: It's this… oh, it's coming off of my water bottle, but it’s this is little cat.
SARAH: Oh
KAYLA: It’s kind of why I’m sticking…
SARAH: I was about to try to sing Sticker by NCT 127 but I have intentionally avoided that song to the extent that I can't even sing the chorus for you, it's very… calling it a chorus is generous. No, it's a chorus, it's just not for me
KAYLA: Okay. I want to go to bed
SARAH: Okay. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, you can answer our poll, you could tell us how much you love Jin on our social… Jin the BTS member or the beverage if you so please, on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you'd like to give us money for some reason. We have a new $2 patron, it is Jen, thank you Jen, not to be confused with Jin.
KAYLA: Ooooh
SARAH: Thank you, you're the best, you're cool and we like you a lot. Our $5 patrons who are promoting something this week are… nope, our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Mel McMeans, Melissa, Meredith, Morgan Impink, Philip Rueker and Phoenix Eliot. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop games, Bones who would like to promote… it just says asked because I asked them and I don't think we got an answer maybe we did I won’t check. Celina Dobson who would like to promote the Critical Role Foundation. Bones if you already told me what you wanted to promote, I'll say it twice next week. David Harris who would like to promote the Cradle book series by Will Wight. Our other $10 patrons are Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, my Aunt Jeannie, Kayla’s dad, Maff, Martin Chiesl, Parker, Purple Hayes, Barefoot Backpacker, SongOStorm, Val, Alyson and Ani. Our $15 patrons are ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer, Andrew Hillum who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum podcast, Dia Chappell who would like to promote Twitch.tv/MelodyDia, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla’s Aunt Nina Maggart who would like to promote katemaggartart.com, Phoenix Leodinh, I think that's what it was, I have to check again, I forgot how to say your name, sorry. Um, did you tell me what… I don't know, if you told me I'll tell… I'll say it twice next week. Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Dr. Jacki who would like to promote being Dr. Jacki and Dragonfly and my mom who would like to promote growing a tree in our discord for no reason, it's not a real tree, it's a fake tree
KAYLA: It's real in my heart
SARAH: It's real in my heart. They're named Treeador
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: It's very important that Treeador grow big and strong. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows
SARAH: Kayla had to put her head up for that because she was laying down
KAYLA: I'm lounging, I’m so sleepy
SARAH: I literally went back to the Zoom to make sure you hadn't left it. I was like, “what if she just left?”
KAYLA: I would love to have done that
SARAH: Okay. Now I'm going to stop
KAYLA: I will leave, good bye
SARAH: [voicemail] Papa can you hear meeee? No, but for real did you die? Are you dead? Do I have to carry on this podcast by myself? Because I won't.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]
