Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 320: Listener Lore (AITA)
Hey what's up hello! This week instead of heading to Reddit to find wild stories about love and life, we're getting our stories straight from you, our loyal listeners. Strap in, it's about to get wild (literally).
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SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah. That's me)
KAYLA: And a bi demisexual girl (That's me Kayla)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand
KAYLA: On today's episode ‘Listener Lore’
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod
KAYLA: Hello
SARAH: Hi
KAYLA: Hi
SARAH: How are you?
KAYLA: Good
SARAH: It has been a weird day, but it's a different day for the listeners than it is for us
KAYLA: Today has been weird for us
SARAH: Very weird. Do we have any housekeeping?
KAYLA: Not that I can think of at this current moment
SARAH: Okay. Well, speaking of weird, Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we're dropping some listener lore, which means
SARAH: Ooh, yeah
KAYLA: Instead of doing an episode with wild stories we find on Reddit or the internet, we read wild stories that we find also on the internet but a different… a different part of the internet, our internet, our personal part of the internet
SARAH: Our communist internet
KAYLA: Yes, brother. Um, yes, so we asked you lovely listeners to submit some stories and y'all really did that, so we're gonna read them.
SARAH: How many did we get?
KAYLA: We got like around 30 submissions
SARAH: Wow
KAYLA: So perhaps enough for a part two.
SARAH: Oh shit
KAYLA: Oh shit. But we're gonna start with a story that was actually submitted a little bit ago
SARAH: This is what inspired the whole thing
KAYLA: Yes. Yeah, this is really what inspired it, after our last Reddit episode which included a story about a boyfriend buying a $90,000 truck and just being ridiculous
SARAH: Foolish
KAYLA: Yes, foolish. So, one of our listeners wokndad on Discord said that this story reminded them of something from their own life. So, I will now read you the story that they have shared with us.
SARAH: Let's go.
KAYLA: Okay. Why are your eyes just closed?
SARAH: Because I'm focusing on the story
KAYLA: Okay, it's really weirding me out but we move
SARAH: Yeah, I can't even see you
KAYLA: Okay. Yeah, that's true.
SARAH: Even if my eyes were open, I wouldn’t be able to see you
KAYLA: I know. Okay. Alright, so wokndad’ says, “OMG the truck thing reminded me of something my ex did, story time.”
SARAH: Hehe
KAYLA: “See once upon a time my car died, I needed a new car desperately because I drive a lot for work and didn't want to keep taking the family minivan because my ex was a stay-at-home mom and would need it. She still had her license then” - which is just ominous foreshadowing - “So, she shopped around and found an excellent deal in a nice Nissan Maxima, so she bought that and I was happy. It was the nicest car I had ever owned at the time, a month or so later she decided that she deserved a new car for her birthday and went shopping. One day I get a call from her at work asking me to meet her at a dealership nearby because she found a car for a ‘good price.’ Now, I don't do well with on-the-spot things so I unthinkingly went to meet her during my lunch break and we signed some papers and whatnot. Whole thing was kind of a blur to me because I'm autistic and taken out of routine. She was excited so I was happy but now here's the thing, what she had done was trade in the family van Honda Odyssey for a 45th anniversary edition California custom Ford Mustang. I didn't realize it at the time but she had rolled in what was left of the loan we still had on the van into the new loan on the Mustang, the car payments were ridiculous and I was slightly resentful about this since mine was still the only income and we had four kids at home.” Brother! Brother.
SARAH: That's a lot of kids. And you know how many seats are not in a Mustang?
KAYLA: Yeah. “It didn't help that sometime later she went out for a night with friends and because it was snowing and I insisted she take my car instead of the ‘red sled.’ Eventually in some kind of stupor drove my car off a boat ramp into the ocean. The car was totaled and all we had for quite some time was the Mustang for six people. I held resentment for quite some time and I'm obviously still somewhat bitter about it.” And then a couple of people reacted including both of us and they said “I was being nice, she's absolutely bad shit.”
SARAH: I just… was the boat ramp just open? Loose, for anyone to drive off of?
KAYLA: This is… I have so many questions about how you drive a car down a boat ramp into the ocean
SARAH: Because usually those are pretty well controlled
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: And like even if it's just kind of like loose it's probably into like a small lake, if it's into the ocean, that is gonna be tightly controlled
KAYLA: That's what I'm… like, dock areas like that aren't just open, like usually they have some fencing or like some of those poles up so a car can't get too close.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Like I… And I'm assuming this is what got her license taken away, right? Like driving into the ocean.
SARAH: Oh, I didn't realize that her license was taken away.
KAYLA: Well, at the beginning of the story it says “I didn't want to keep taking the family minivan to work because my ex was a stay-at-home mom and would need it, (she still had her license then)” which means that at some point later she did not have a license
SARAH: I mean, I took that to mean she just didn't renew it.
KAYLA: Oh. I think that she drove into the ocean and it got taken away
SARAH: Well, the great thing about these stories being from our personal internet is we can ask follow-up questions.
KAYLA: That's true. So yeah, wokndad if you could please follow up about the state of your ex's driver's license and also just like any more details you have about like how one drives…
SARAH: Off of a boat line
KAYLA: A car down the boat ramp into the ocean
SARAH: Was it on purpose? I mean…
KAYLA: That's what I think
SARAH: Like presumably she was intoxicated in some way because it was a girls’ night, whatever
KAYLA: Right, because she was out with friends
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Which is also why I feel like her license got taken away
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: Because that seems like something they would do.
SARAH: Yeah, because if you do that sober, I… You need to see a doctor and I mean that genuinely
KAYLA: Yeah, isn't that just?
SARAH: Wild
KAYLA: The wildest thing, just the wildest thing.
SARAH: I would be so fucking pissed about having a Mustang…
KAYLA: And you have four children
SARAH: And you have six… you… let me tell you right now…
KAYLA: Why did she buy that? Why?
SARAH: You certainly cannot fit more than five people in a Mustang and five is a tight fit.
KAYLA: I just don't… like what was the thinking?
SARAH: I don’t know
KAYLA: I don't understand
SARAH: Wanted to have a cool car
KAYLA: I guess
SARAH: Foolish, foolish
KAYLA: Foolish. Anyway, moving on. So…
SARAH: All right, hit me with another one
KAYLA: Eventually, I'll probably just have you give me numbers so we can just hit random ones but I want to do this one in particular because as I was scrolling through I read it and it just really speaks to me.
SARAH: Wow
KAYLA: So, this is from Elle Bitter
SARAH: Elle Bitter, the patron
KAYLA: Elle Bitter slash SRS. Yes, Elle Bitter Srs
SARAH: Srs
KAYLA: So, Elle Bitter works at a zoo which is a very slay. I think Elle recently commented on one of… oh, oh it was our episode about PDA saying that because…Oh, we should have asked for people's pronouns. What the fuck was I thinking?
SARAH: You didn't ask for people's pronouns? You dumb fuck
KAYLA: No, I just was like, name and story. I'm sorry. Everyone is they today, because Elle was like I work at the zoo and sometimes that means I sit in the back of the little train and I narrate the zoo for the people on the train that goes through the zoo and a lot of times people just sit right in front of Elle and just make out on the train at the zoo.
SARAH: Oh. At least do it in the back
KAYLA: They are doing it in the back, but that's where Elle sits.
SARAH: Oh, but that’s where Elle sits
KAYLA: Elle sits in the backest row and these people sit in the row right in front of Elle in the back
SARAH: Oh my God
KAYLA: Okay, anyway
SARAH: They want to put on a show for the animals?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And for Elle
KAYLA: And for Elle. Okay, so Elle says “I, 27F, if we're doing this Reddit style” - okay, so she/her pronouns for you Elle. - “I, 27F, if we're doing this Reddit style, work at a zoo and one day a couple of months ago I was working on the giraffe platform” - brag.
SARAH: Nice
KAYLA: “Which is a viewing area for the giraffes. It was mid-afternoon on a weekday so it was very slow and I hadn't had any guests for half an hour or so. So, I was delighted when a 30-something man and a 30-something woman entered the platform and stood there viewing the giraffes
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: One giraffe in particular was standing still right in front of them, I approached them like I would with any guests and offered a random fact about giraffes and got literally no response.” -That's fucked up, that's fucked up. - “This was quite off-putting, usually the guests will either be interested and ask follow-up questions or give a disinterested response and that lets me know they don't want me to keep talking, but completely ignoring me was very odd. I decided I should probably just back up and give them their space, I looked away to check the time and when I looked back at the couple, they had produced out of nowhere a full-on fancy paper marriage license
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: One of those ones that's twice as long as the standard piece of paper marriage license”
SARAH: Is the giraffe the witness?
KAYLA: Just wait. Just wait. “With marriage license and huge fancy font at the top, I watched in disbelief as the woman turned around and the man signed his name on the license using her back and then he turned around and the woman signed her name on the license using his back
SARAH: Oh man
KAYLA: Then they acknowledged my presence for the first and only time by asking what the giraffe in front of them name was, I told her the name,” which Elle does not include, fucked up Elle, please tell me the name of the giraffe
SARAH: Elle, please
KAYLA: “And wrote it down on the marriage license, then they turned back to look at her, then the man folded up the marriage license and stuffed it in his back pocket. Then they just walked away. They didn't kiss, they didn't take a picture, they just got married on a weekday afternoon at the zoo with the giraffe as their witness and acted like it was any other Tuesday. They were…”
SARAH: Okay, first of all they… There's no evidence of this except for Elle, they could have just lied and told people they did that, they didn't have to do it
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Also, here's the thing, I have been a witness to… on a marriage certificate
KAYLA: Same
SARAH: And you have to sign it, you don't just like write a name down
KAYLA: And this is what's wild to me, is I do know that in I think Colorado and maybe a couple of other states, dogs can act as a marriage witness
SARAH: Insane
KAYLA: Like you don't need a human, just a dog will do, but I think that dog still signs it
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like I think they do a paw print
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And like the giraffe didn't sign it. But I'm not done yet Sarah
SARAH: Okay, I’m so sorry
KAYLA: “They weren't even wearing particularly fancy clothes, even though I saw it with my own two eyes I started gaslighting myself into thinking I must have misunderstood what I was seeing. But the next day the zoo got a Google review saying ‘Great zoo, we got married in front of a giraffe’ It was wild literally and metaphorically.”
SARAH: Oh my God
KAYLA: Thank you Elle. Thank you. There's no proof that the giraffe…
SARAH: People are so weird
KAYLA: There's no proof that the giraffe witnessed it
SARAH: Like at least why didn't they ask Elle to take a picture for them?
KAYLA: The thing I think that makes… is wildest to me is that they like turned around and used each other's backs to like do the signature as if this is like a school field trip and that's the only surface you have to fill out your worksheet
SARAH: I also love… I feel like they did this intentionally, that their only human witness was Elle, and so Elle is gonna have to live the rest of her life had she not seen that Google review of the zoo
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Elle would have had to live the rest of her life like possibly gaslighting herself into or out of believing that this is a real thing that happened and she wasn't accidentally on shrooms
KAYLA: What if the giraffe like hadn't just been standing there? Like it seems like it was like a nice time… like, you know sometimes the animals are just wandering
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And it seems lucky that the giraffe was like up there and present. What would happen if the giraffes were asleep?
SARAH: Right. I've been to zoos before where you can feed the giraffes and so then the giraffes will come up to you and they’ll put their long blue tongue all over you, but that didn't seem to be the case, the giraffe was just kind of there
KAYLA: Yeah, also, like, I feel it... I want to say like this must be a prank but like they didn't take a picture, like…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: You know?
SARAH: That's a really like diabolical prank
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: If it is a prank
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Because the only person is Elle
KAYLA: It's just… you got… you pranked one person. This story is everything to me
SARAH: That is wild
KAYLA: I love it. Okay. Pick a number, one-ish through 30-ish
SARAH: Seven. One-ish?
KAYLA: Well, actually… because I guess… so, it's like two through…
SARAH: I'm still saying…
KAYLA: Two to 31, technically.
SARAH: I'm still saying seven, make of that what you will
KAYLA: Okay, just keep in mind that there's no one, so just don’t say…
SARAH: Make of that what you will
KAYLA: Seven
SARAH: Now, I'm gonna say one just to spite you
KAYLA: Okay, this is from Anonymous. Anonymous says, “the first time I came out as demisexual to someone, they were queer by the way, they said something along the lines of well, we're all demisexual then because nobody experiences sexual attraction without having an emotional connection because then we'd all be sluts,” That's it, that’s the story.
SARAH: Okay, but does that mean that this person thinks that sluts aren't demi?
KAYLA: This person first of all is demisexual, they just don't know it.
SARAH: Yeah, they just don't… they just don't know it, yeah.
KAYLA: But yeah, I guess they think everyone that's not demi is a slut
SARAH: Crazy
KAYLA: So that's a lot.
SARAH: Good. Love that lore, for nobody
KAYLA: Mm, anyway.
SARAH: 17
KAYLA: 1738
SARAH: We went different directions with that.
KAYLA: Ooh. Okay, this is an ‘Am I the asshole?’
SARAH: Ooh
KAYLA: This is from Sexy Ryan Reynolds But Gender Questioning
SARAH: Perfect.
KAYLA: So, thank you Sexy Ryan Reynolds. Okay, Sexy Ryan Reynolds…
SARAH: But Gender Questioning
KAYLA: Sorry. But Gender Questioning says, “am I the asshole for leading my ex on for three years and not telling her how I truly felt?”
SARAH: I need more details
KAYLA: Well, here we go. “I, 26 M met my ex-partner 27 F, in 2020 through a mutual friend. I had no sexual or romantic interest in her when I met her but she invited me over to watch a movie which I eventually learned was her flirting with me, I was just excited to hang out with my new friend.”
SARAH: Oh, no
KAYLA: The aspecness
SARAH: What movie was it?
KAYLA: Yeah, we need more details people
SARAH: Give us more details than you think we need.
KAYLA: I'm gonna say… well, was there a Deadpool out by 2020? There was, right?
SARAH: I think so. Yeah
KAYLA: I'm just gonna say it's Deadpool because this person is Sexy Ryan Reynolds.
SARAH: What a romantic movie
KAYLA: Mm-hmm. I mean it kind of, you know. Anyway
SARAH: It is in some ways
KAYLA: They had the second one come out on Valentine's Day on purpose, so, you know
SARAH: But that was the second one
KAYLA: Okay, I'll kill myself.
SARAH: Don’t do that
KAYLA: “Prior to meeting her I had never dated or been intimate with another person, both these items were on my bucket list of things I should do before I die.”
SARAH: Don't should
KAYLA: Don't should
SARAH: “So, I planned on doing them at some point but never had enough interest in anyone to make a move, it turns out we were in some courses together. So, we started studying and hanging out more. She likes the movies I suggest so we watch more, fast forward a week-ish and she starts kissing me and telling me that she has feelings for me, I didn't feel the same way back, but I had never had these feelings for someone, full stop. So, I did the only reasonable thing I could think of and pretended to like her assuming the attraction would come eventually. And then meanwhile, I'll be checking off boxes off from my bucket list.” God, okay
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: Okay. Okay, “highlights of the three years, she said, I love you and I said cool. So, a few weeks later, I started saying the L word to make her more comfortable.” Okay. Ah! There's more. Okay, “we moved in together, we moved across Canada three times. Her family loved me and was pressuring me to propose starting before our first anniversary.” That's wild. “Three years later I was still hoping the feelings of attraction would come, after a point I decided it wasn't coming but I was just gonna have to wait until she dies to be free again.”
SARAH: My guy, my non-gendered guy
KAYLA: “She is a good friend, but it's cheaper to live with her. So, I'll put up with the sex.” Ryan Reynolds… Okay. “She eventually broke up with me after deciding she wants children, I didn't and she previously said she did not either but changed her mind. We remained friends, but she has no idea I never had any attraction to her or anyone else, should I have told her slash tell her how I truly felt when we were together?”
SARAH: Okay, first of all, never tell her, never, never, never tell her
KAYLA: But does that mean they could never come out as aspec?
SARAH: They would just have to lie to her about how they realized they were aspec. They would… it would… they could be like, oh, like I thought I had feelings for you
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
[00:20:00]
SARAH: Like I really genuinely thought, like you have… you have to make her believe that you thought
KAYLA: Yeah. This is so fucking... I'm sorry Sexy Ryan Reynolds, but that's fucked up
SARAH: Second of all, I find this extremely triggering because this is absolutely something I would do.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah. Here's the thing, because I want… this is wild and I feel really bad for the ex-girlfriend. I also do understand especially if this person didn't at the time realize they were a aspec, it seems like they maybe didn't fully… They didn't realize it at the time or know what it was so they were really waiting for the attraction to come but I feel like after three years you have to be like we gotta call it at some point. Like we can’t…
SARAH: No, man, you just keep digging deeper, you keep digging deeper
KAYLA: I mean they were willing to wait until she died
SARAH: That's so thoughtful
KAYLA: That's crazy. No. Okay, do we… who do we think is the asshole, it's not the ex-girlfriend, do we think Sexy Ryan Reynolds is the asshole?
SARAH: I think sexy non-gendered Ryan Reynolds is an accidental asshole, but I understand you on such a fundamental level that I can't fault you for it
KAYLA: Yeah. That's the thing, is like I understand how we came to be in this situation. I feel like maybe we just… it should have been cut off a little early
SARAH: This is why I don't date because I would do that.
KAYLA: You would do this. You would absolutely do this. That one hurt to read, that hurt my body to read
SARAH: I mean, I'm glad that she broke up with you eventually for like a genuine valid reason
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And she… I'm sure it felt like it was her idea because otherwise, whoa.
KAYLA: Yeah. Aw, my body hurts
SARAH: Sexy non-gendered Ryan Reynolds you are so brave to share this with us
KAYLA: I'm really not trying to judge you, I'm just like, because I do understand. I just like it hurts my body
SARAH: It hurts and I want you to know that I understand
KAYLA: I do too, but it still hurt. Okay, we have to move on
SARAH: Kayla I think I understand in a way that you simply do not
KAYLA: No, you definitely do, I know you do
SARAH: Because would you do this? No. Would I? Yes.
KAYLA: No. Yeah. Yeah. We have to move on. I can't keep thinking about this
SARAH: Five
KAYLA: Oh my God, this one is wild. Okay. This is from Pumpkins and Penguins
SARAH: Pumpkins and Penguins? We have a nerd-fighter in the house.
KAYLA: Oh. Do we?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Okay. Pumpkins and Penguins says “my childhood friend had the worst college roommate. A while after my friend had been gone for a weekend or something one of her roommate’s friends thanked her for being quote such a chill roommate and being so cool about it. When my friend asked what she was talking about she found out that her roommate had had a threesome in her bed without asking or even telling her.”
SARAH: Wait, so the roommate that said thanks for being so cool, was that the one who had a threesome or a different roommate?
KAYLA: It's the roommate’s friend
SARAH: Oh my God
KAYLA: Who I assume must have been involved with the threesome. I guess just assumed that the roommate had asked Pumpkins and Penguins or sorry the childhood friend of Pumpkins and Penguins, assume that they'd asked like hey, can I use her bed for this threesome and that they said yes
SARAH: Sorry, why did they need Pumpkin’s and Penguin’s bed?
KAYLA: I don't maybe they like made a mega bed
SARAH: Maybe…
KAYLA: I mean, I'm assuming if it's college, there's like twin XLs and they like maybe push them together or what
SARAH: They’re like twins and three people is a lot of people to fit on a twin bed.
KAYLA: Yeah. Can you imagine, I would throw up if my roommate’s friend came up to me and said that and I was like, huh? And then they said that, I would throw up
SARAH: I would set my house on fire
KAYLA: Yeah, I would get a new mattress
SARAH: Oh, no. Twelve
KAYLA: Okay. This is from Taco Cat
SARAH: Taco Cat
KAYLA: They say… okay. “I'm going to tell you how in my first and only relationship I accidentally created a QPR five years before I would actually learn what a QPR was.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: To start I used to be the definition of an innocent teacher’s pet. My mom and stepdad were teachers at my school so I was just about as sheltered as you could get. I had all book smarts and no street smarts, was shy, neurodivergent but not diagnosed, polite, studious and an overt rule follower and very sensitive. I have changed a lot from three years at a large University out of state.” I love that.
SARAH: That'll do it
KAYLA: “I was very much in the category of asexual and/or aromantic who thought that everyone experienced the world like I did, clearly any couple that started dating had to have been close friends or else they wouldn't have developed feelings. No… experiences sexual attraction in high school and anyone who is having sex that young is just trying to be rebellious. I know how stupid it sounds but I actually thought that, when I was a freshman in high school my crush who was an 8th grade asked me out.” 8th graders are so gross.
SARAH: Okay, but they were a freshman.
KAYLA: I know. No, I know I'm just thinking about 8th graders and I just… they're so yucky nasty.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I understand that they were of a certain age, but
SARAH: It was age-appropriate
KAYLA: I know, I understand. I just hate middle schoolers. Okay, anyway. “I was so excited and happily said yes. Our first date was going snow tubing with my family. So, me, him, my two younger sisters, my younger brother, my mom and my stepdad, I know so romantic slash ace. But I had a blast and I thought it was a great bonding experience since I knew he was more sporty than me. We went on a few more dates and texted regularly, but there was never an overtly romantic gestures shared beyond a hug or holding hands. I thought that as a boy he should be the one to initiate a kiss or something. So, I never did and saw no problem with the fact that we never did actually kiss. We also visited each other's houses sometimes when no one else was there which is when I did some of the most asexual things ever. The first time he showed me around his room and then seemed to be waiting for something, my amazing ace brain did the logical thing and noticed the bin of nerf guns and initiated a nerf gun fight.
SARAH: Alright, yeah
KAYLA: I’m not really good at nerf guns, but I still thought it was so much fun. The next time at my house he brought up that no one would get home for another hour or so, so again the hint flew completely over my head and I suggested that we play Star Wars Battlefront because my stepdad and stepbrother were not there to hog the Xbox.
SARAH: Oh my God
KAYLA: This continued for a few months until he broke up with me. I was devastated because in my mind, this was a great relationship and I was so confused that he didn't think it was too. He soon after started dating a close friend of mine and I used their breakup on bad terms to justify giving him the cold shoulder and completely ignoring his existence for the rest of high school. A few years later when I figured out that I was asexual and demiromantic it all fell into place and I completely understood why that series of events took place. Now I just find it all hilarious and wonder how it took me so long to discover I was ace. I think the only thing I kind of regret is how cold I was towards him now that I know that the relationship was not a normal allo relationship and that it's not his fault for wanting an allo relationship as an allosexual. Perhaps if I ever see him again, I'll explain to him and tell him that I no longer have any bad feelings towards him and it wasn't his fault that I did in the first place. Now, of course I've swung so far in the opposite direction of the innocent childish ace that I've landed on the equally hilarious position of knowing so much that I was a TA for an animal reproduction class and have fellow students reaching out to me for help with reproductive biology topics, however I've not changed in that an ideal relationship for me would still involve activities such as nerf gunfights and Star Wars battlefront, I just know that what I want is a QPR and could communicate that.” So sweet.
SARAH: Okay, once again, feeling called out by this post in the sense that, listen, some of us when we don't know we're aspec yet, when we are faced with someone who's trying to be allo at us, the only reaction we know how to have is passive aggression
KAYLA: But also…
SARAH: And being cold towards them.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Some of us it's not our fault, we're just very non-confrontational
KAYLA: It's weird to me that the only initiation that this boy did was to be like, well, no one is home. Like the fact that at no other time did he initiate like kissing or anything that his only initiation was like, nobody is home. Like he could have…
SARAH: Yeah. He absolutely could have
KAYLA: Where did you think he was gonna get with that? Like that's nothing
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like it's not only a Taco Cat’s fault for missing the cues when like he was not, you know?
SARAH: I also think the fact that it seems like Taco Cat is AFAB and home dog is male. There are social expectations of who has to initiate what.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And if you're gonna follow those social expectations, which I'm not saying you should, but if you're going to, if you're gonna fall back on them, it would mean that it is actually his responsibility to initiate things and he didn’t
KAYLA: Which like I… And it seems like he was trying just like in the worst way
SARAH: Just in the way that like an 8th grader would
KAYLA: Yeah, I love it. It's so cute
SARAH: Amazing
KAYLA: Pick a number
[00:30:00]
SARAH: 19
KAYLA: Okay, this one I feel like… is like a similar. There's like similar themes. Okay?
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: This is from Jay Smith, not a fake name
SARAH: Love that for you.
KAYLA: “My first relationship was when I was 13 to 14-ish and honestly, I can't even take responsibility for it starting. I had some feelings for a girl and while working through them I mistakenly mentioned it to my best friend. We were all in Scouts so the jackass… So, the jackass ends up screaming about it to the whole troop, long story short there she approached me and we started dating. Yay. Cut to about four months of dating haven't done more than hug yet again my friend makes this troop business broadcasting my frigidity to the entire camp…”
SARAH: Jay Smith, how old are we at this time?
KAYLA: 13 to 14-ish
SARAH: Right. I forgot that, that was a listening comprehension error, continue
KAYLA: Okay. “Broadcasting my frigidity to the entire camp making me out to be a horrible person, et cetera. I point out that at no point has she raised an issue or tried to further things herself. I later found out this is because she believes it was my job as the guy to initiate everything.
SARAH: Huh, there it is
KAYLA: Including the inevitable breakup a few months later. Years later after finding asexuality through a John Green fan page I realized this is probably a canon event on the road to demisexual discovery and for those wondering, yes, he's still my best friend and still a jackass and not the only jackass I'm friends with, with my taste in men it's for the best I'm not homo romantically inclined allo.” I love that men have the worst friends, so many of my guy friends are friends with the worst men and they'll be like, yeah, he fucking sucks, he's my best friend, like a brother to me, and I'm like, what? Huh?
SARAH: First of all, so many nerd fighters in the house. Second of all, I… I mean I've seen some discourse recently about how male friendships and female friendships are just different
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And how female friendships, it's more face-to-face and male friendships…
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: It's more side-by-side. And so, like a lot of times… Okay, I guess it was you that I was talking about it with
KAYLA: I think it must have been
SARAH: Was it on the podcast? I don't know.
KAYLA: Uh-huh. Yes
SARAH: It was on the podcast. It was with all of you that we were talking about it
KAYLA: We were all here
SARAH: And it just seems like this is a situation, it just… it just reminded me of when like men have like BFFs that they like don't know basic things about or they just have different like stances on things
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: That I'm like, how are you even friends given…
KAYLA: I think the standards for male friendships seem much lower because like again I know people like men who have done terrible things to each other or like…
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Just have done things that I would have been like I would not be that person's friend anymore and they're like, mm, it's whatever
SARAH: It’s whatever. I mean not to say that Jay Smith's jackass friend did not grow and evolve and does not have…
KAYLA: Sure. Well, Jay Smith does say he's still a jackass, so
SARAH: Still a jackass, but he could be less of a jackass. He could have a…
KAYLA: Maybe
SARAH: He could have a jackass with a similar moral compass
KAYLA: Maybe
SARAH: Okay, but it's so wild to me that this girl was like expecting our homie Jay Smith to do all of the first steps but technically she took the first step in coming to him because she heard that he had a crush on her
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: That's hypocritical
KAYLA: She did. And also, the fact that the guy has to initiate everything including the breakup
SARAH: That doesn't make any fucking sense. So, this…
KAYLA: What? You can't break up with someone? What if he did something terrible? You still have to wait around?
SARAH: Yeah. You're in a fucking toxic relationship, you're not allowed to break up with him because God made you out of Adam's rib or fucking whatever? No
KAYLA: Uh-huh.
SARAH: No
KAYLA: Yep. Exactly.
SARAH: Wow
KAYLA: Okay. Pick another one
SARAH: 24
KAYLA: Okay, this is from a Tally
SARAH: Tally, spell it please
KAYLA: T-A-L-L-Y
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Okay. Is that acceptable to you?
SARAH: Yes. I needed to be able to picture it to understand how I would pronounce it
KAYLA: And how would you pronounce it?
SARAH: Tally
KAYLA: Okay, great. I’m so glad we took this time. Okay. Tally says, “my junior prom was a disaster because the guy who asked me to go with him, a friend of a friend, ended up being super awkward and creepy. Like low-key stalked me for the rest of the school year, even after I expressed I was very uninterested
SARAH: Yucky
KAYLA: I decided after that I wanted my senior prom to be just a chill night with a friend, no date pressure or anything. Fast forward to senior homecoming and one of my good friends, let's call him K, asked me to go out to go with him. I think sure that sounds chill. He ended up not spending any time with our group all night and was super weird, I think I have a school dance curse but I'm determined that my senior prom which I refuse to miss because it will be at the city aquarium…
SARAH: Slay
KAYLA: Will not be like this. Prom is now approaching and it comes to light that K my homecoming date has a crush on someone in our friend group, being the ace person I now know I am I assumed it was not me until he can confessed to someone else in the group that it was in fact.”
SARAH: I also assumed it was not Tally
KAYLA: Well, of course you would assume that because they went to homecoming together and he like ignored her and was weird
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So of course, she would be like, well, he's not into it.
SARAH: It’s not me, somebody else
KAYLA: Okay, “this person then told me I was the crush,” wait, okay, “this person then told me I was the crush,” okay. “I told our friend group I wasn't interested and didn't want to go to prom with him because it would ruin the friendship and I was already weird after homecoming. They heard that and decided, oh, let's help him ask her to prom
SARAH: No
KAYLA: They took him to build a bear where he made me a bear and put it in a tux then they helped him break into my locker so he could hide the bear there, I opened my locker to a promposal bear with roses and all of our friends around us with cameras as he asked me to prom, I have never been so uncomfortable”
SARAH: Tally your friends are dumb fucks.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's bad. “I awkwardly said I was going to be late for class and we could talk later and ran away. When it was just us after school, I told him I had already asked one of my friends from outside of school, we'll call him M, because of how awful junior prom was and I just wanted to chill night with a friend, no date. He took it well…”
SARAH: Tally was that true or did you just make that up?
KAYLA: Well. “He took it well, and I thought I was in the clear until M had to cancel on me a week before prom leaving me dateless. This was not a problem for me personally but it made it super awkward when K saw me flying solo instead of going with him, I don't think we really talked much after that. LOL.” What the hell?
SARAH: I think… okay, the fact that you indicated that you were not interested in K that way, I have a neighbor named Kay, and he's constantly bringing girls home on dates and so I'm thinking of my neighbor Kay unfortunately
KAYLA: How do you know that? You just see rotating girls?
SARAH: Yeah, I just… rotating girls, I guess for those who have slept on my couch they have on occasion heard things
KAYLA: Tea
SARAH: I can't hear it from my room, thank God
KAYLA: That's nice
SARAH: Anyway. The fact that you specifically established that you're not into K and your friends took it upon themselves to then with that information in mind help K ask you to prom in a… that's not like a super dramatic promposal way but it's also like… like there's an audience like it's not also the chillest promposal
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And they thought that was a good idea is just such an indication of how allonormative and amatonormative everything fucking is and the fact that like…
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Prom in particular, I can't speak to other schools, other people's experiences, my experience with prom at my school prom was only for seniors unless you were the date of a senior and not a senior. So, like we didn't have a junior prom and a senior prom like it was just one prom, it was for the seniors, and so it was like a big deal and so like
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Everyone had a… like it was a… you had to have a prom date
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Homecoming you did not, homecoming it was completely normal to go in a group, you could have a date, you couldn't have a date, it didn't matter, but for prom like the fact that I chose to not have a date and two of my friends also did not have dates like that was a little weird. And so, it's just… it's so indicative of the fact that you have to have a date for this. Like even if you're not interested like no you should still go with him because it's prom and it's weird to not have a date. Like what were they thinking? I understand they’re high schoolers and there are only like two brain cells just like rubbing against each other but like, what? Respectfully at high schoolers.
KAYLA: I guess… it's so crazy to me that, you know… but they must know. Yeah, the fact that you told the friends I am not interested, I don't want to go with him, why would the friends do that? Why? Like if I heard that as a friend, I'd be like, okay, we're in an immediate like shutdown mode, like how do we nicely tell this guy?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Let's not, like, you know, like what are we, you know
SARAH: Also, I'm sure the friends knew that he was weird at Homecoming, so why…
KAYLA: They were there
[00:40:00]
SARAH: Like so… I mean, maybe he was weird because he liked Tally and like he didn't know how to act
KAYLA: That's the only thing I can… yeah, but, no.
SARAH: Also, the… absolutely brutal that you actually were going to have another date and then they last minute cancelled on you
KAYLA: I know, that’s so sad
SARAH: And then you looked like you were like flaky and lying
KAYLA: I know but also like, what are you gonna do? You know?
SARAH: Yeah, damn, brutal
KAYLA: You want one more or are we done?
SARAH: We can do one more, hit me with 27.
KAYLA: Uh, this one is too long, give me another one
SARAH: Hit me with one but I guess two
KAYLA: Way too long
SARAH: Dear God, three?
KAYLA: Okay. This one is great
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: This one is from Abby, Abby submitted a couple, the one before this was also Abby but it was kind of like a series of stories so we can come back to more of Abby in a future episode. But, so Abby goes…
SARAH: Dear Abby
KAYLA: “Forgot one, one of my friends, we’ll call him Sam, was driving home drunk one night, we've yelled at him for this and he has since stopped drinking, so, great, good.”
SARAH: He what? He drunk one night? You were…
KAYLA: He was driving home drunk
SARAH: Got it.
KAYLA: Don't do that. Don't do that everyone
SARAH: And don't drive off the boat ramp into the ocean
KAYLA: Yeah. And don't drive into the ocean. Okay, so he's driving drunk “and he gets pulled over by a cop, the cop pointed out…” it’s so funny, “the cop pointed out that his eyes were bloodshot and asked if he'd been drinking and Sam said ‘no, I just had anal sex with my boyfriend’ and the cop let him go without a ticket or anything.”
SARAH: That’s so fucking funny. I’d like to imagine that the cop was just like freaked out by that and was like, oh, yeah, I'm sure that’s…
KAYLA: I mean, yeah
SARAH: I'm sure that's a side effect
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Did… sorry, did the cop…
KAYLA: Like what do you…
SARAH: I'm assuming the cop imagined that Sam was the one getting fucked because…
KAYLA: Sam had to have been the… yeah, like the bottom, because I don't see how… yeah.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: That’s so funny
KAYLA: That was a great one to end on
SARAH: Don't drive drunk but do lie to cops. Well, okay, don't lie to cops if it's very serious, this Sam got lucky, actually, no this lie is okay because it wouldn't have… even if Sam had been breathalyzed, it wouldn't be like oh, well, now I know you were lying about the anal sex
KAYLA: Yeah, I mean the cop should have like, you know. The cop should have done the job and figured out that he was driving drunk and made him stop. But hey, if you're ever looking to get out of a ticket not for drunk driving maybe try… like if you're speeding and they're like, why are you doing that? Maybe you could be like, sorry officer I just had anal sex, so
SARAH: Aww. I love it. I kind of want more details about where in the world this transpired. Like I feel like that would add another layer
KAYLA: I'm trying to see from the other stories if I can tell
SARAH: Like are we in rural Alabama? Are we in Amsterdam? Are we… well, they were driving so probably not Amsterdam
KAYLA: We are somewhere that snows a lot
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: Based on another story that Abby submitted, so we're somewhere that snows
SARAH: We're in Wisconsin
KAYLA: Possible, Abby let us know
SARAH: We're in Buffalo, New York. We're in the Russian Serbia, the Russian Serbia. My apologies to Serbians everywhere for associating you with Russia, I don't know if you would like that that much. I meant to say the Russian tundra, but I couldn't think of the word tundra. So, then I was gonna go for Siberia and it became Serbia. Does Serbia get snow? I'm looking at it on a map, it's in the Balkans, I don't know how much… I mean, I guess if there's… Are there a lot of mountains in Serbia? Maybe in the mountains I'm sure maybe they get a lot of snow. Is anyone Serbian? Let me know
KAYLA: Mm, mm-hmm.
SARAH: Anyway
KAYLA: Anyway, that has been our listener lore dump. What do you all think?
SARAH: Wow, what a delight. Kayla, what's our poll for this week? Is there any circumstance under which you shouldn't tell a cop that you just had anal sex?
KAYLA: That can't be it, that cannot be the poll. I want the poll to be, how could you possibly drive a car down a boat ramp into the ocean? How could that possibly happen?
SARAH: Was it on someone's private property?
KAYLA: Oh, interesting, but it said she went out to drink with friends
SARAH: Also, I feel like a boat launch into the ocean is unlikely to be private property, because I'm thinking of like the boat…
KAYLA: The ocean, yeah. Yeah, you're thinking of a lake
SARAH: Well, no, but even like at… the lakes that I'm familiar with, the boat launches are public, like it's not like people have their own private boat launches. Like it might be like in between two different people's private property, but the boat launch itself is public
KAYLA: I see. Oh, I get that
SARAH: Because otherwise, how would people launch their boats? Toss them in? Throw them in? Get Hulk, Hulk smash?
KAYLA: Maybe, sure. Yeah. Before we get into the very end, I would love to do this again
SARAH: Me too
KAYLA: So, we clearly have many left from this round, but I'm gonna keep the link to the submission form in the description of this episode so that if you missed it on this one you can still… I've also now added a question for pronouns so we can…
SARAH: I was gonna say give us your pronouns
KAYLA: Give us your pronouns. And anyone whose story… please provide additional context, please let us know, hit us up
SARAH: Give us even details we didn't ask for
KAYLA: But thank you to everyone who submitted, these were an absolute delight, these were an absolute delight.
SARAH: I had the time of my life
KAYLA: And if you haven't submitted yet just know that the more details the better, tell us literally everything, we have to know
SARAH: Exactly. Exactly.
KAYLA: Okay, so I think the poll should be, how do you drive a car to the ocean?
SARAH: Great. Well, you put it into drive, I only know how to drive an automatic so I don't know what gear it should be in
KAYLA: Me neither
SARAH: But once you put it into drive you should hit… you should press down on the gas pedal with the car aimed at a boat launch, a boat ramp
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And then you just direct it off of the boat ramp into the ocean. Hope this helps.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah, thank you
SARAH: Kayla what's your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: Um, my juice… no, my beef is my brain. Why it do that. Why it no chemical good. Why it manic about things?
SARAH: In the wise words of the group whose name I can't remember but I can picture the album cover, why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm human, too? MGMT.
KAYLA: Mm… anyway. No idea. I’m just googling it
SARAH: Magic. Okay. I… all I could think of was magic man, but I know that that's a song. Wait is ‘magic man’ a song by MGMT? No, ‘magic man’ is a band. Great.
KAYLA: Okay. Here I am, speaking of music in Boston, my juice is Orville Peck before we recorded this evening, I was at an Orville Peck concert and he was a fucking delight and I'm sad that he's for the boys because, what a fucking man, he is so gorgeous, I would like to give him a little kiss.
SARAH: I… Okay, every time I hear someone mention Orville Peck my brain gets confused
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Because that sounds like the name of a character in a great American novel that came out in 1937
KAYLA: Okay, interesting.
SARAH: It makes me think of Orville Redenbacher, the popcorn brand
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: It makes me think of James Carville came to mind for some reason.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Gregory Peck. I just… I don't…
KAYLA: I don’t know who that is
SARAH: He was an actor, like an old-timey Hollywood actor. The name Orville Peck, how old is Orville Peck?
KAYLA: Probably in his 30s. I mean, I don't also know if that's… I don't think that's his real name
SARAH: Yeah, so Orville Peck is not the name of someone in their 30s in the 21st century
KAYLA: Well, I don't think it's his real name
SARAH: His name is Daniel Pitout. Pitout.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: He's South African?
KAYLA: Yeah, he's from South Africa.
SARAH: He's a South African country musician based in the United States and Canada. He's well known for wearing a mask and not showing his face publicly.
KAYLA: I do think he moved out of South Africa as a teen though.
SARAH: What's his accent like?
KAYLA: American
[00:50:00]
SARAH: He lived there till he was 15. Yeah, it could be like a…
KAYLA: Yeah. And I think he moved to like London to go to school
SARAH: Oh
KAYLA: And then he came to the US
SARAH: But he sounds American?
KAYLA: Yeah, no discernible accent at least
SARAH: To you, yeah, that’s… maybe it was like a Sebastian…
KAYLA: To you, yeah…
SARAH: No but…
KAYLA: I just got eviscerated, I’m dying
SARAH: I just mean that no accent to you…
KAYLA: I just got battered on my own podcast
SARAH: Is not the same thing…
KAYLA: To you, yeah
SARAH: Is not the same thing…
KAYLA: I could vomit
SARAH: As an Australian saying that person has no accent because an Australian person…
KAYLA: I’m gonna vomit
SARAH: Would look at another Australian person and say that person has no accent, but
KAYLA: This is devastating.
SARAH: That's just how accents work.
KAYLA: I'll never come back from this. I'll never come back from this
SARAH: Anyway, what was I gonna say? Oh, it may have been a Sebastian Stan situation where he like intentionally tried to get rid of his accent
KAYLA: I mean, I think it's very possible that he puts on like a slight southern twang, you know, because he's doing his country vibe
SARAH: Orville Pick speaking.
KAYLA: He has a very deep voice, oh, he's so sassy
SARAH: There's definitely something there
KAYLA: It sounds… when you're like hearing it through… It sounds… it definitely sounds… I get… when I heard him talking it was in very short bursts, like on a stage, so
SARAH: To be fair, this was from four years ago.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: But also, he's 36, so how much has his accent changed in four years?
KAYLA: Yeah, probably. Yeah
SARAH: But yeah, you can hear that like not a native American English speaker
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But you can't quite identify what it… like my sister's friend who was born in Austria and lived in Austria till she was 12, like she has moments of like, I can tell that you're not a native American English speaker but you also don't really have an accent, you know?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm, yeah
SARAH: Like it’s just a… you know. Anyway…
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: They can always tell. Do you have juice? Beef? Sorry, beef.
KAYLA: I don't, I did it all, I've done it.
SARAH: I forgot it
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: My juice is they freed Hobi from the military
KAYLA: Yay
SARAH: And Jin was there and he was a mic stand and then he kidnapped him and then Hobi went live and my beef is that he went live right before we started recording this podcast so I didn't get to watch it
KAYLA: Yeah, it’s really tough out here. Mm-hmm
SARAH: That's all, you can tell us about your beef and your juice on our social media. We also have patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. We also have in our description if you want to tell us your lore, you can tell us your lore. Anyway, patreon.com/soundsfakepod, our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Amanda Kyker, Ashley W, Boston Smith, Bronwyn Herron and Brooke Siegel. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are… What? I may have skipped last week, Tanner Shioshita and Vishakh, if I did, I'm sorry, if I didn't, congrats on the double mention.
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are SongOStorm who would like to promote a healthy work-life balance and Val who would like to promote two question marks. Alastor who would like to promote the podcast ‘Shadows and Shenanigans.’ Alyson who would like to promote Arden Gray by Ray Stoeve and Ani who would like to promote the importance of being kind to yourself and others especially when you're looking back on your past self and how you were acting when you did not yet know you were aspec
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Our other $10 patrons are Arcnes, Benjamin Ybarra, Bones, Celina Dobson, Clare Olsen, Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, my Aunt Jeannie… Elle Bitter, incredible story. Thank you for your work. My Aunt Jeannie, Kayla’s dad, Maff, Martin Chiesl, Olivia O’Shea, Parker, Phoenix Leodinh, Purple Hayes, Barefoot Backpacker, SongOStorm, Val…
KAYLA: Thank you for your work with the giraffes, Elle Bitter please… no, stop.
SARAH: The delay is so bad my guy.
KAYLA: Elle Bitter please…
SARAH: The delay is so bad.
KAYLA: Elle Bitter please, Elle Bitter please send pictures from the zoo specifically of the giraffe who officiated the marriage
SARAH: Yes. Editing this is gonna be such a bitch. Listen y'all I may just leave in this horrible lagging in the editing so you get to experience…
KAYLA: Don’t do that
SARAH: What we experienced.
KAYLA: Don’t do that
SARAH: But sometimes editing it out then doesn't make sense because then we react to it and then you know, whatever. Our $15 patrons are Ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer, Andrew Hillum who would like to promote The Invisible Spectrum Podcast, Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person, Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com, Kayla’s Aunt Nina who would like to promote katemaggartart.com, and Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Dragonfly, Dr. Jacki, my mom and River who would like to promote Dr. Jacki being Dr. Jacki and you know not Kayla's Wi-Fi, not that.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm.
SARAH: We're not promoting that
KAYLA: Mm-mm
SARAH: We would like to improve it, not promote it. Well, I guess promote it to being improved? Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]
