Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 340: Making Assumptions
Hey what's up hello! This week we're talking about making assumptions about people. They really do make an ass out of you and me.
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SARAH: Hey what’s up hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I’m Sarah. That’s me.)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (that’s me, Kayla)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, ‘Making Assumptions.’
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod.
KAYLA: Sarah is ill.
SARAH: I've been struck by an illness.
KAYLA: Yeah, it has come for her.
SARAH: This is what I get for leaving my house.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: If I didn't leave my house, I wouldn't get ill.
KAYLA: I don't know if that's strictly true, but…
SARAH: It's mostly true.
KAYLA: It's more true, I guess.
SARAH: It's more true than not true.
KAYLA: Mm
SARAH: Anyway, how is everyone?
KAYLA: Hi.
SARAH: It was ace day and we didn't know.
KAYLA: In typical fashion, we did miss it, but you know who didn't miss it?
SARAH: J. K. Rowling.
KAYLA: J. K. Rowling. That cunt.
SARAH: That cunt.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Just being J. K. Rowling.
KAYLA: Just being J. K. Rowling. I don't think we need to discuss it at length.
SARAH: No, but honestly, maybe good for the community because it brought more attention to us. And then people can get educated.
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Because people hate J. K. Rowling, so they want to disagree with her.
KAYLA: That's true. It's true. There’s some solidarity, that's fair. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say good.
SARAH: Yeah, I don't know that good is right.
KAYLA: But I would say that...
SARAH: It's certainly doing things for visibility.
KAYLA: There could be some positive. Like, you could look at it in a positive way in some fashion if you wanted to.
SARAH: Yeah. If you really felt the need.
KAYLA: Yeah. Anyway
SARAH: Anyway
KAYLA: That's enough of that.
SARAH: Do we have a housekeeping?
KAYLA: Happy belated International Ace Day.
SARAH: Yeah, a whole…
KAYLA: A whole week late.
SARAH: He he he
KAYLA: In typical us fashion.
SARAH: Yes. My coworker yesterday was like, “oh…” the other day was like, “oh, I didn't realize it was your day yesterday.” And I was like, “it's okay. Neither did we.”
KAYLA: “Me neither.” Me either. And here's the thing, this podcast predates International Ace Day.
SARAH: That's true.
KAYLA: So, it's like, we weren't, you know...
SARAH: We can't be expected to keep up with the times. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, you know?
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: And we're old dogs.
KAYLA: Especially when it didn't know any of them to begin with.
SARAH: Yeah, we don't know any tricks.
KAYLA: We've never known a trick.
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Now we're supposed to learn any?
SARAH: Yeah, that's just not realistic.
KAYLA: At this age? No.
SARAH: Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week, we are talking about assumptions, because you know what?
SARAH: People do be having them.
KAYLA: They make an ass out of you and me.
SARAH: So true.
KAYLA: Would you like to talk about the inspo for this episode?
SARAH: Yeah, this episode was Kayla's idea, but it was inspired by a K-pop thing I sent her.
KAYLA: It was. You just came with such an anger, and I kind of just felt like being angry today. So, I was like, “yeah, you know what? Yeah, let's be mad at people.”
SARAH: Yeah. Let’s be angry.
KAYLA: Yeah. So, I just felt like joining you in your annoyance.
SARAH: You know what? I love that. So, this is a video, it's from TikTok, Jean of BTS was recently on some Netflix show, not an acting show, but like some sort of set.
KAYLA: Physical: 100?
SARAH: It was not Physical: 100. He would not go on Physical: 100. Of all the members of BTS, he is the…
KAYLA: The last one. They should have Physical: 100, but just for K-pop idols. Like a season that's just, which is the most physically fit K-pop idol? I would love to watch that.
SARAH: I do want to see Wonho against a 16-year-old female idol, because Wonho has famously like gigantic arms. But I saw a video one time of a female idol, I don't remember who it was, with some athlete doing wall sits with weight on them, and she blew him out of the water.
KAYLA: I mean, with the amount of training they're doing to be on stage like that in such a physical manner, they're not weak.
SARAH: Their cardio is insane.
KAYLA: Yeah, I don't know about their lifting abilities or anything, but cardio for sure.
SARAH: Some of them definitely do lift, like Woozi from Seventeen. He writes music, watches YouTube with his cat that we now know that he has. He used to have two cats and then one of them died. He watches YouTube, he makes music, and he goes to the gym, those are the three things he does.
KAYLA: A 14-year-old boy's dream.
SARAH: He famously doesn't go outside.
KAYLA: That's very silly.
SARAH: And so, he's just like a little ripped guy, you know?
KAYLA: Good.
SARAH: He does a lot of weightlifting every single fucking day. Anyway.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: So, there's this video that someone took. One of the other cast members from this show is this woman, I do not even know her name.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And someone made an edit of Jean and this woman just having fun together.
KAYLA: So, they're just like on a television show together?
SARAH: They're just on a TV show.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: It's just like, oh, they're just like laughing and having a good time. And it's like, oh, okay, sure, whatever. I see… this is trying to be like sort of shippy, but like, whatever.
KAYLA: So, what is this television show?
SARAH: I don't know, I haven't seen it.
KAYLA: Okay. But this is a woman presumably that he just knows through this television show?
SARAH: Yeah, Jean famously doesn't have famous friends other than BTS.
KAYLA: Okay. But I'm just saying it's not like he has a history with this woman.
SARAH: No. No, no, no.
KAYLA: Okay. It's not publicly, certainly.
SARAH: Yeah. It's just like an edit of the two of them, which is like, okay, whatever. I saw it on my feed because someone angrily quote, retweeted it. But the original tweet that someone posted was this TikTok and it said, “we're getting eased into those wedding notices, aren't we?” And then the just like person standing sim emoji.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: The implication being that him being on this show.
KAYLA: In the same scene as a woman.
SARAH: In the same scene as a woman is the company preparing us for the members getting married.
KAYLA: Married, because they were seen with a woman.
SARAH: With a woman once.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: And I… but… this is why K-pop idols are so afraid of publicly interacting…
KAYLA: With anyone
SARAH: With anyone of not their gender.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Because this is what happens.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: They can do whatever they want with someone of their same gender, the shippers will get into that, but like it's not as… it's a different type of insane.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But part of the thing with K-pop too, is that like so many of them have dating bands and like they're supposed to be like this person who like you could theoretically… like it's part of the illusion. And when they say like wedding notices, like the company like announces shit. Like when they're joining the military or when they're missing a concert because they have diarrhea, one time…
KAYLA: Oh, no
SARAH: Usually they'll just be like, so-and-so is sick.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But there was one time, it was like a smaller company, they did their… one of their idols really dirty and was like, “he has diarrhea.”
KAYLA: Did they like… were they mad at him for some reason?
SARAH: I don't know.
KAYLA: Who did he mess with? Like who did he make an enemy out of?
SARAH: Like why did they do that to him?
KAYLA: That's really fucked up.
SARAH: But like they'll do like official notices for like everything.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And so, this person's being like, “oh, they're preparing us…”
KAYLA: It's like they're the Royal Family.
SARAH: Yes, they are. And so, they're like… this person is like, “they're preparing us for like when they're going to have to send out notices about them getting married,” like to women, obviously, because we see them interact with men all the time and we don't freak the fuck out.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like that. I blocked that person because I love the block feature, it's so good.
KAYLA: Yeah. Blocked and reported.
SARAH: I've recently had an influx of going on people's accounts and finding that they have blocked me. So silly and fun. So silly and fun.
KAYLA: Oh no.
SARAH: I'm always like, “I wonder why.” Like, “what?”
KAYLA: Yeah. What did you do?
SARAH: Like, “what was it?”
KAYLA: Like, I feel like you don't do anything that out there. Oops.
SARAH: Well…
KAYLA: Well…
SARAH: Let's just... Okay. Here's what I'm going to tell you, Army Twitter is a shit show.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: It's horrible. My friend got Hobie sent off, actually twice, she stayed at my house and lost her mind. But the first time she got sent off, so like she got to take a picture with him and like interact with him.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: She posted the picture online, got death threats.
KAYLA: Cool.
SARAH: Because the long and short of it is that she had publicly voiced support for the boycott of Hive because of their very close association with some very hardcore Zionists.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And people were like, “you fucking hypocrite, you don't deserve this. Die.”
KAYLA: Oh, Jesus Christ.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: A skosh of nuance, I beg.
SARAH: The whole Gaza thing has been the downfall of Army, like legitimately.
KAYLA: I mean, of most things. But yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. Like, but you would you would think like… I just… it's everyone. Everyone is mad at everyone all the time.
KAYLA: Yeah.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: No one is doing anything right. People got mad at people for making banners at the one of the L.A. Hobie shows with his own lyrics on it and a QR code to Palestinian GoFundMes. That was it. And people were like reporting these people to security.
KAYLA: What the fuck?
SARAH: Anyway. It's really…
KAYLA: Everything is actually so bad.
SARAH: It's tough. Also, I'm a multi, so a lot of people hate me for that, because I like more than one group.
KAYLA: How?
SARAH: And that's not allowed.
KAYLA: How fucking dare you?
SARAH: How fucking dare I? Anyway, I love the block feature. But this happens all the time with BTS and with just like K-pop of like people just being like they interact with a woman once and people get insane about it. Because they're like, “oh, my God, they're going to have each other's babies.” And it's like, okay, he shook her hand.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: We need to take a deep breath here.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Also, stop assuming, here's where we get into the topic of the podcast.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Stop assuming that, first of all, there's anything going on between them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Second of all, that they are into women.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: They are into people of any sort, even if they are into women, like one interaction does not a relationship make.
KAYLA: It's also like it's not like you're going to be attracted to every person of your preferred gender, you know, like…
SARAH: Yeah. And like just because you get along with this person doesn't mean that you need to fuck.
KAYLA: Right. Did you know that you can be friends?
SARAH: This is actually a concept I haven't heard of, can you elaborate?
KAYLA: No. You know what it reminds me of? I mean, I think this happens a lot with Western celebrities, too. Like obviously in K-pop, it seems extremely extreme where it's like they interact once and it's like, “huh”
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But I feel like this is not uncommon with like any celebrity anywhere where people are like paparazzi have spotted so and so and so and so together. It reminds me of I don't know why this has been popping up on my feed because I feel like neither of these are actors, I follow that closely, but Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney, who were in a romcom together last year
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Where like she went with him to his sister's wedding and she, I guess, recently broke up with her fiancé and people were like, “it's happening, they're dating.”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Which is like, I do get that it's fun to ship that because it's like, “oh, they were in this romcom and...”
SARAH: We have Tom Holland and Zendaya, we don't need to…
KAYLA: That's true.
SARAH: We already we have them, they are together.
KAYLA: They are, confirmed, engaged, even
SARAH: Like we don't need to… What's the word I'm looking for? We don't need to like push this on to everyone else.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like, let's just enjoy what we have.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: We also have Reneé Rapp and…
KAYLA: Towa Bird. Bird?
SARAH: Yeah. Exactly.
KAYLA: Bird?
SARAH: Bird.
KAYLA: Bird.
SARAH: Bird.
KAYLA: Bird. Yeah. I mean, celebrity couples exist. It's just like I understand the impulse because like it's fun to ship. Right?
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: But why must we assume that it's romantic? You know what else is fun? Friendship.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
KAYLA: Going to your sister's wedding with your friend.
SARAH: You know, I famously have been to my sister's wedding with my friend.
KAYLA: Mm hmm.
SARAH: It was Kayla.
KAYLA: It was me. I basically invited myself to Sarah's sister's wedding. I said, “hello.”
SARAH: “Hello. I'm coming.”
KAYLA: “Here I come.”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Can I tell you about an assumption that recently happened to me?
SARAH: Uh-huh.
KAYLA: And it was very well intentioned. And here's the thing, is I feel like a lot of assumptions are well intentioned
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: But just are wrong. Someone sent Dean and I a congratulations card for getting engaged and they addressed it, I think the words were, “the future Mr. and Mrs. Scattini.” And I said, “you don't know what I'm doing.”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: How presumptuous. And I was like, that's… it was very sweet of them to send us a card. Obviously, it was all a very sweet sentiment, but I said, “ma'am.”
SARAH: Did they not know that you're both changing your name to Scattassica?
KAYLA: Yeah, they must not have known, they must not have known that.
SARAH: Cassattini.
KAYLA: Oh, that's fun. Cassattini. Um, yeah, they must not have known.
SARAH: Scattas.
KAYLA: But I'm just like, “you don't know what people are doing.”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And this was granted like an older person, so there are, you know, traditional things
SARAH: Right
KAYLA: That are in place, but I'm like, “you don't have to do that.”
SARAH: You don't have to do that at all.
KAYLA: You don't have to do that.
SARAH: I mean, I feel like I get a lot of assumptions. Like when people like talk about dating and I'm like, “Oh, I don't date.” Like they always have questions and I'm like, “I don't want to get… I don't want to...”
KAYLA: Like they have assumptions about like why you're not dating? Well, first the assumption is that you're dating, always.
SARAH: Right. The first assumption is that you're dating. The second assumption is if you say you're not dating is like, you know, you got out of a bad relationship or whatever. And like, I don't always want to fucking explain shit to them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I just… I mean, sometimes the situations are like funny and like, I know that they're pretty much always well intentioned, but like, sometimes they're like funny and I'm like, I don't care, this is funny. Like, the time when a person told me that the best way to improve my ability to advocate for myself was to peg someone. And I was like, “that's funny.” It was so funny. It was at a professional event.
KAYLA: Yeah, of course it was.
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. Said person was, drunk anti.
KAYLA: Yeah. Yeah.
SARAH: It was extremely funny. Um, but so like, that's like… ha ha ha. But like… I mean, some people just like, they push it and then they want to… they like feel bad for you.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Because they make assumptions about what you want… and it's like, they don't know how to accept that you can want other things or that it shouldn't be automatic that you want this thing. It shouldn't be automatic that because you looked at a woman one time, you're going to get married.
KAYLA: Yeah. I just like… I obviously I understand why people make assumptions about like relationships specifically of like, oh, you must be dating. Oh, you're married, you must want kids, or like, oh, you're this, so you must be that. Right? Like they're based in precedent. So, I understand why it happens. And it's like, you know, the escalator and like the normative relationships, whatever.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: But to me, and like, it's not like I don't do it either. You know?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like we all… just society has baked things into us, but a habit I would love for me and other people to get into, it's just like asking more questions, because I feel like that is such a better way to get to know someone than just being like, oh, so you are doing blah, blah, blah. Right? Like it's so much easier to be like, “so what do you want?”
SARAH: What's your fucking deal?
KAYLA: What's your deal? Like I actually like just today was talking about kids to one of my coworkers because one of my other coworkers had her daughter in, which is hilarious because her daughter is crazy. She's just this five-year-old running around and I was like, “you're fucked up, you're weird.” But he was like… I mentioned something about kids and he was like, “Oh, do you want to have kids in the future? Would you want to be a mother someday?” And I said, “thank you so much for asking.”
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Wow. I mean, wow. How nice.
SARAH: Do you think that question would have been asked of you if you were a man?
KAYLA: By this particular person? Yes.
SARAH: Yeah, that's good.
KAYLA: Because he's just like the type of person to like ask questions like that of like a lot of people.
SARAH: There's a way to ask questions that is not invasive.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Like you have to be able to read the room and like, I understand that for some people that might be a more difficult ask.
KAYLA: Yeah. I think there's like a certain tone you have to strike of like…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: You need to like earnestly mean it. Right?
SARAH: Right.
KAYLA: Like you can't… because it is… these are personal questions and I think…
SARAH: It can't be like a probing like, “Oh, I'm just being nosy.”
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Like it has to be like, I want to know you better as a person, I want to understand.
KAYLA: Because I think when you say things as an assumption, there's a certain like levity to it of like, because you're assuming it, it seems like all very natural and normal. I think there is… it makes it more intimate when you're actually like asking the question…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because like you actually are showing that you like want to know, but that also means that you need to strike a certain tone of like, “I'm asking this because I want to know you better. Not because I'm just trying to get into your business.”
SARAH: And also like if you don't feel comfortable answering, you do not have to.
KAYLA: It's okay. Right. That's… yeah. That's also the thing is like asking someone directly does put them in the position of like… Like I feel like if someone assumes something, you can just kind of be like…
SARAH: You can just go along with it.
KAYLA: Yeah. You can just like… yeah. But yes, that is true. Then when you are directly asked, then you have to be like, “Oh, well I have to answer in some fashion.”
SARAH: Like how much am I going to spill my guts to this person?
KAYLA: Right.
SARAH: Yeah. I mean, it's hard because like, as you said, like we have assumptions about everyone, that is humans like to put each other in little boxes and, you know, follow patterns and that sort of thing.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But I feel like if anything, as I've become more aware of aspec stuff and just queer stuff generally, if anything, my only thing that I assume more is I assume just everyone should be queer.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I'm disappointed if they're not.
KAYLA: Yeah.
[00:20:00]
SARAH: It's really sad when people aren't queer. Like why?
KAYLA: Why?
SARAH: You know?
KAYLA: Yeah. I was talking to one of my friends, two out of her three siblings, so she has two siblings. So out of the three of them, two are queer.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And I was like…
SARAH: Hey, my parents have a better record.
KAYLA: Yeah, obviously two for two is better. But I was like, “do you think there's any hope for your last sibling? Do you think there's anything that could be done?” And she was like, “I don't think so.”
SARAH: I think she's just straight.
KAYLA: I think she's just like that. And I was like, “that's actually really sad, your parents got really close.” Or like one of my other friends, three out of four kids are queer. And I was like, “that's really tough.” Like, they got really close.
SARAH: Got so close. Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I think, you know, what I think would be fun is if people are making assumptions about you and they're being really like aggressive about it and like not taking hints and like being weird, you should make assumptions about them that are obviously wrong.
KAYLA: Yes. I like this.
SARAH: Like if they're being like, “oh, do you have a boyfriend?” Blah, blah, blah, you should be like, “oh, do you have a girlfriend?” If it's like a woman, be like, “how is your wife?”
KAYLA: How's your polycule doing?
SARAH: Yeah. Who has got custody of your shared dog this week? Who has got the rabbit?
KAYLA: I like that. This reminds me, I saw a TikTok recently of like everyone put in the comments how you like actively de-center men in your life. And so, it was people being like, “I always address letters to like Mrs. and Mr. first” or like, there was one that was like really rancid and now I can't remember what it was. There was one that was like, “I never ask how my husband is doing. He can tell me if he wants to and also, I don't care.” I was like, “you know what? Hell yeah.”
SARAH: Hell yeah.
KAYLA: But it just reminds me of that, how can we maliciously…
SARAH: Comply?
KAYLA: Comply to these assumptions that we all must all be doing?
SARAH: It’s like when… Because we don't do pronouns and we don't use preferred pronouns and we can't ask about pronouns anymore.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It’s like when people are doing these town halls and they're referring to representatives by the wrong pronoun intentionally.
KAYLA: The wrong pronouns, yeah.
SARAH: And then they're like, “well, no, I'm a man.” And they're like, “oh, I thought we weren't allowed to talk about pronouns.
KAYLA: “I thought we weren’t doing that.”
SARAH: “I thought that wasn't allowed.” I had a thing I was going to say, but I didn't interrupt you because I was really brave.
KAYLA: Wow. That is very brave.
SARAH: But I've forgotten it, and that's why I usually interrupt.
KAYLA: You should just start writing these things down.
SARAH: What were we saying before this? I said… oh, I know what it was. You should just be like, “oh, I assume you're divorced, you look like you would be.”
KAYLA: You look like you would be divorced, is wild.
SARAH: I mean, if you really want to get nasty, you could be like, “oh…” no, I'm not even going to say that.
KAYLA: Oops, too nasty.
SARAH: Too nasty.
KAYLA: Shit went too far.
SARAH: Too nasty.
KAYLA: She went too far.
SARAH: Too mean.
KAYLA: That's very silly.
SARAH: What other assumptions do you feel like we're faced with regularly?
KAYLA: Um…
SARAH: I mean, I think there are definitely assumptions that you make about people based on just like how they present themselves.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I have a fake nose ring that is not real on account of I think it would bother me too much if I had a real one.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: But when I go places that are good, I wear it.
KAYLA: Yes, your special out nose ring.
SARAH: Exactly, it's my going out nose ring. I don't usually wear it to work because I don't. But I did wear it to work today and my coworker looked at me and she was like, “have you always…” like, she's like, “you don't always have that, do you?” And I was like, “no.” And she was like, “yeah, I did like a double take when I saw it because you just like seem like the kind of person that would have one.”
KAYLA: Yeah, gay.
SARAH: And I was like, “you're so right.” Emotionally…
KAYLA: I am.
SARAH: Deep down, I have a septum piercing, that's absolutely correct, you're so right for that.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But like people definitely look at me and like they make assumptions about my political leanings just by how I look.
KAYLA: Yeah. And they're right.
SARAH: And they're right. I'm not though. I’m certainly…
KAYLA: You are Left.
SARAH: I'm Left.
KAYLA: I feel like there's a lot of assumptions about career stuff.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: Like I feel like everyone assumes that people all work a normal 9 to 5 or that that's the goal for people is to have that kind of like normative career trajectory, which I also do.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I find myself making that kind of assumption a lot, which has been lessened by the fact that I have more friends now who like don't work in that kind of work. They like they have… I guess, non-normative jobs or like don't work office jobs and whatever.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: But I feel like that's a big thing when people see that as like a mode of success.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: It's like, oh, you work… you know, your career is in like working in a restaurant is like what you've done your whole life or like that whole thing. People like don't see it on the same level.
SARAH: I think because I work in entertainment, that's a little bit less pervasive.
KAYLA: Yeah, that makes sense.
SARAH: Because if you think about like some of the richest people in this industry it's actors and directors who absolutely do not work normal hours.
KAYLA: Yeah. It's probably like a regional thing, too. Like Boston is a very like biotech, finance, like college-heavy city.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Yeah. It's not like there's a huge like art scene here or anything like that.
SARAH: Yeah. I think people definitely make assumptions about you based on your interests, which is why I don't like telling people that I don't know… well, a couple things, I don't like telling them that I like K-pop because there are certain assumptions about people who like K-pop.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Also, because I tend to like boy groups more than I like girl groups, although I do have girl groups that like I like and I follow.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But people then make assumptions about me and like my like preferences just because I like boy groups. And it's like all of like literally everyone I know in fandom is a lesbian.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Like I don't know what to tell you.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: We're all gay.
KAYLA: I'm not here for the boys in that manner.
SARAH: Yeah. Unless you're a fan of the group called ‘The Boys.’
KAYLA: My bad.
SARAH: Silly. But yeah, it's like when I was a teenager and I was like a One Direction fan, like there was this assumption that like I just liked them because they were cute and it's like, what!? Like no, I like their music, I like them as people. Like why would I be here?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Like why would I be spending so much time and effort in this if I didn't have some other…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah, and so I think being aro-ace makes people like rethink that shit, like being an aro-ace K-pop stan like people are like, “oh, oh, so like there's a reason?”
KAYLA: You actually like it. Yeah
SARAH: I'm like, “fuck, yeah, dude, Jesus.” Why do you assume that all young women or people who you assume to be young women or women presenting whatever, AFABs, why do you assume that they only like things because of romance and boys are cute? And the same thing, why do you assume that men only like women because they're pop? Have we considered?
KAYLA: No
SARAH: No, that's the thing, we don't consider
KAYLA: We have not considered
SARAH: We don't consider
KAYLA: I'll tell you one thing…
SARAH: I also don't like to tell people up front that I played Quidditch in college
KAYLA: Yeah, that's embarrassing, I don't like doing that either
SARAH: Because they do not understand that it is an actual sport
KAYLA: Yeah, it takes a long time to explain
SARAH: It takes a long time to explain
KAYLA: I also don't want people thinking I'm a J.K. Rowling like apologist
SARAH: Yes
KAYLA: So, I don't really like… I like never… I have… especially like more like millennial co-workers that will still like talk about Harry Potter and stuff and I'm like, I do not discuss Harry Potter with people who I do not intimately know
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Because I do not want people getting the wrong idea about me
SARAH: Yeah. I have some friends who are like very into Harry Potter but also fucking hate J.K. Rowling
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: You have to know that about someone
KAYLA: You have to know that that's their stance, yeah
SARAH: The other day I saw someone with a ‘Deathly Hallows’ tattoo on their shoulder and I was like, “that's tough.”
KAYLA: I've seen a lot of cover-ups of those
SARAH: Yeah, that's tough. But I… yeah, I don't like telling people that because they assume like it's just like, oh, some nerdy thing, which if it was, who the fuck cares?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But I know that you're placing expectations and judgments on me based on that which is not even an accurate representation of what it is
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And so, I'm like, “I don't want to have to fucking explain this shit to you.”
KAYLA: Fair. I feel like that's… I don't know what I was gonna say
SARAH: Well, you feel like that
KAYLA: I guess that's just like the annoying thing about assumptions it's like you can either let the person continue assuming that or you have to like… for some little things like yeah, I might take like a second to be like, “no, I actually work in a coffee shop” or… I don’t fucking know…
SARAH: “No, I'm actually a natural blonde.”
KAYLA: Right, but like for things that are deeper that like would probably matter more to you that people assume wrong, it's like a lot of like energy to go into like, “okay, am I just gonna let them have this incorrect perception of me or am I gonna take some time out of my day to be emotionally vulnerable with this person?”
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And like really get into this
[00:30:00]
SARAH: To do a TED Talk and to tell them everything about yourself
KAYLA: Right. Which is why I don't like telling people especially at work that I have a book or a podcast, I can't get into that with you right now. First of all, having a podcast is embarrassing.
SARAH: It is, that's absolutely right.
KAYLA: It sounds like a white man.
SARAH: Whenever I say I have a podcast I do like be like, “oh, we've been doing it for seven years.”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And then people are like, “oh, so you have a podcast?”
KAYLA: Oh, see, that's like… doesn't fix it for me
SARAH: Really?
KAYLA: That even maybe makes it worse
SARAH: Huh! Okay, I can see that.
KAYLA: I just like… mmm. I think it's a lot of different things, at work, it's like weird because I like… bringing queer stuff up at work depending on like what the environment is, it is not always like the most comfortable
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: In like my personal life I always feel like I'm bragging
SARAH: Mm, yeah
KAYLA: And so, then I'm like I don't want to be like, “yeah, I have a book and I've been doing a podcast for seven years…”
SARAH: Eight years?
KAYLA: Don't speak to me about that
SARAH: I’m sorry.
KAYLA: Don't speak on that. Um, but, yeah, I don't know
SARAH: Yeah. I think part of it is that we're both just like nice little Midwestern girls who like…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: We can't brag about ourselves
KAYLA: That's the biggest thing is I don't want to be like, “ha ha ha, guess what?”
SARAH: Yeah. Well, my boss is always saying like, “you never talk about your book, you never bring it up” and I'm like, “okay, there are a couple of reasons for that.”
KAYLA: Yeah, first of all…
SARAH: First of all, every time I do that I have to essentially come out
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: Because they ask me what it's about
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And then I have to tell them I have a podcast
KAYLA: Embarrassing
SARAH: And then they're like, “oh, okay.” So, they might ask follow-up questions, they might not
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But like, now they know something about me
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: Or they assume something
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Based on the information I've given them. And like I know that in my industry like it's important to like sell yourself and like, you know, brag about yourself, humble brag
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But I'm just… I'm not built for that, I'm not good at it
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And I don't… there are certain conversations that I'm not keen to start with strangers
KAYLA: Yeah, I think it's very… if it was not so wrapped up in something so deeply personal
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: I think it would be a lot easier
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like if we had like a podcast about ‘Survivor.’
SARAH: Yep
KAYLA: I think that'd be a lot more chill to talk about
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: But when it is something that you would not normally bring up to a stranger
SARAH: Right
KAYLA: Like it's not just some like passing interest or hobby I think that makes it a lot harder because yeah then you have to be like, okay, yeah, this is a person that I would maybe tell I have a podcast but is this a person I would discuss my sexuality with at work? Mm, no
SARAH: Yeah. Like are they going to ask me about my sexual history
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: If they do, am I going to answer?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: If I don't answer is that basically answering?
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: You know?
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean I think especially when you get into aspec stuff there are so many assumptions about what an asexual or an aromantic person is and does
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Like you have the classic like, “oh, do you masturbate?” and like, “oh, you must never have had sex before,” or like, “you just haven't had sex with the right person,” whatever.
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: Like you are inviting a lot of assumptions about yourself when you come out
SARAH: And dispelling those assumptions is a process, it involves…
KAYLA: And also again, deeply personal
SARAH: Yeah, and like you… then you're being tasked with the burden of having to educate this person
KAYLA: Right. It's like do I really… do we need to sit down and talk about like my masturbation habits? Is that what you want?
SARAH: Would that make you feel better?
KAYLA: Like is that what we need to be doing right now?
SARAH: I thought this was a business meeting
KAYLA: My bad, I guess not
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Yeah, I think it's… I mean I think coming out as any sort of queer comes with a lot of assumptions and stereotypes which I think for some queer communities is maybe getting better just with more visibility
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like people understand now that there are many ways to be like gay
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: I think for aspecs though we are not there and so coming out comes with a lot of just like people being like either they have no idea or they have a very very basic understanding and so then they're just gonna kind of like slap that on to you
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: And you have to either live with that or do a TED Talk
SARAH: And I can only imagine for people who have less straightforward identities than me because like for me it's like the assumptions you have are honestly probably true
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And I will try and explain to you that there are other ways to exist but like once you know what I am your assumptions are probably fairly accurate
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But for people who are not what the outward society sees as what an aro or an ace or an aspec person is then like you have to wade through even more assumptions and you have to…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: You know, knock down all those doors
KAYLA: Yeah. It makes an ass out of you and me
SARAH: And me. What should we… can we stop assuming?
KAYLA: No
SARAH: Is it possible to even try?
KAYLA: I mean I think… like I said getting into the habit, I don't think it's maybe possible to stop inwardly assuming
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: I think your brain is… that's just how brain work
SARAH: That how brain do
KAYLA: That how brain do, is like you put patterns together. Like that's just how humans make it through life being able to process information
SARAH: That's how we invented the wheel
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: And the iPhone
KAYLA: And the Apple iPhone. What I do think that you can practice is what you do outwardly after you assume internally. Like, yeah, I don't think… like you could do what you can to rewire how you think internally, like that's something you could practice too. But I think what is more worth time is trying to instead of assuming outwardly asking questions or just like waiting for someone to present information to you…
SARAH: Which is being open-ended with it.
KAYLA: Right. Yeah, like before you ask about someone's children maybe wait to see if they say they have children, I don't know
SARAH: And if you are open about something and even if you're not asking specific questions but if you're just actively not making certain assumptions
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: That person is more likely to view you as a safe person and is more likely to tell you the information anyway
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Because if you are not assuming that a person is straight or even dating they will feel more comfortable telling you what their reality is because they're like, “oh, this person is obviously open to other ways of existing…”
KAYLA: Right
SARAH: “That isn't just the society’s relationship escalator.”
KAYLA: Yeah, I think yeah even just like small language changes of how… like I have a co-worker who was… she was like talking about either like her kids or some kids in her kid's school or whatever and she mentioned like, “oh, I hope they grow up to be good people.” Like she specifically was… there was a larger context to this conversation where I knew for sure that she was purposely saying that she hoped these children grew up to be good people rather than good men
SARAH: Mm-hmm
KAYLA: And like that to me is the language that is very important and immediately signaled to me like, oh, she gets it and she is open to these possibilities, like…
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: For her children and other children, like, oh, safe.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: So, yeah, I think there are a lot of just like little language changes that can be like, “hey, I'm just gonna be extremely broad with things and you can fill in the blanks for me if you want.”
SARAH: Right. Yeah. And it's not as hard as people make it out to be
KAYLA: No, I mean it's like anything else, it's just building a habit, like, you know, learning how to use non-binary pronouns or like non-normative pronouns. Like, it's a language switch at first and it might take your brain a bit to catch up with like anything new but like it's… you know.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: It's not like the craziest thing in the world
SARAH: And like the other day I encountered someone who was a hijabi and so I assumed their pronouns were ‘she/her’ and then they turned out to be ‘she/they’ so because I ‘she'd’ them I did not mispronoun them at all
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But even that I was like, “oh, man, I shouldn't have assumed that.”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Huh! And like you can learn from that and it's not that hard. Like when we get new patrons even if their names look traditionally gendered, if we don't know their pronouns I always ‘they/them’ them.
KAYLA: Yeah. I do that a lot at work which is always awkward because like other people don't, but like in emails we'll be talking about someone at work and I won't know so I just ‘they’ everyone but then the other people be referring to them as like other pronouns and I'm like, “do you know that for sure”
SARAH: I have a co-worker…
KAYLA: What do you know that I don't?
SARAH: I have a co-worker who is female but her name is much more common for men
KAYLA: Hmm
[00:40:00]
SARAH: And people are constantly assuming that she's a man
KAYLA: Yeah, that must be nice
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: It comes with some perks
SARAH: Yeah. But then, you know, I'm in an email and I’m like, “she, is not available then.”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And they are like, “Oh, okay.” You know, the other day in a work context I heard the sentence, “she is non-binary.”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: And we said, “mmm, mmm”
KAYLA: Hey, close, getting warmer
SARAH: Not that close though, we've known this person for like two years now
KAYLA: Okay, never mind, not close.
SARAH: To be fair when we first met the person was a ‘she/they’ and now they're a ‘they/she,’ but that's still…
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: There's still a ‘they’ in there either way, you know
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah. And they also kept referring to them by their first name, like their government first name which they no longer use
KAYLA: Hmm
SARAH: Personally or professionally
KAYLA: Yeah, you can't do that
SARAH: And I was like, “who the fuck is that?”
KAYLA: Who is that?
SARAH: Like, “I don't know who that is.” Anyway, do we have anything else we want to add?
KAYLA: Um, no.
SARAH: I think malicious assumptions is what we should be doing if people are being too aggressive
KAYLA: Yeah, I agree.
SARAH: Assume things that are obviously wrong
KAYLA: Assume the worst
SARAH: Yeah, assume, just… like look at someone who's like obviously a Republican, obviously like very like thin blue line and be like, “oh, are you a vegan?”
KAYLA: “Don't you miss Bernie Sanders?”
SARAH: Yeah. I might go to a Bernie rally this weekend depending on if I'm…
KAYLA: Is he doing that?
SARAH: Oh, yeah, he and AOC are doing rallies all over the country.
KAYLA: Oh, slay. I saw a ‘Bernie 2020’ bumper sticker this morning and it made me sad.
SARAH: I see a lot of… I see still fairly frequently ‘Bernie 2016’ stickers
KAYLA: Even sadder
SARAH: I also saw a car the other day that… did I tell you about this?
KAYLA: I don't know
SARAH: Who did I tell about this?
KAYLA: I don't know
SARAH: I saw a car the other day, it was a Tesla
KAYLA: Ew
SARAH: And you know how people are putting stickers on their Tesla's being like, “I bought this before I knew… I'm sorry,” and how some people are being like, “oh, you're just doing that so your car doesn't get vandalized,” or whatever
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: This person had a large sticker
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: I actually have a photo of it, please hold, let me just pull it up. Okay, I'm gonna just briefly show you. So, this is how many bumper stickers this person has
KAYLA: Several
SARAH: It's quite a few. There's a very large one that says, “I bought this before DOGE, I'm sorry.” And there's a photo of like a really sad looking pug
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Above that there's a sticker that says, “please be patient I am eight years old.”
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: Then there's one that says, “these tits kill fascists and it has photos of tits like the bird.”
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: It has a sticker that says, “gravity is not consensual.”
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: A sticker that says, “how is my crying?” and then it's call and there's a phone number
KAYLA: Okay
SARAH: And then one that says, “my dad is not a phone.”
KAYLA: This is so interesting because I can picture this person quite clearly in my mind, but they don't drive a Tesla and I guess that's me making an assumption
SARAH: There it is
KAYLA: Is that the type of person with these bumper stickers would not also be the type to have a Tesla, but here we are
SARAH: A lot of people in LA drive Tessies because they're like electric cars and they were supposed to be good
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I mean, they're not really, but they're like prestigious so they want to drive it, whatever
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: But like I saw all these stickers and I was like, “you're definitely not a person who just put a sticker on your car to make sure people didn't vandalize it.” Like this is who you are as a person.
KAYLA: No, this is your culture, yeah
SARAH: Yeah. I also saw a Tessie the other day where they had done the thing that our guy Tim Walz had suggested, which was they removed the Tesla like logo
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: And I was like, “respect.”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Anyway
KAYLA: I wonder if Dean's sister's Tesla has been vandalized
SARAH: I don’t know, I don't know what to tell you. There are so many other electric cars you can buy. Really.
KAYLA: Yeah. I don't know why she did… I don't know why really she did that
SARAH: Really. And they won't get you locked inside
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Like a Tesla will
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Anyway. All right, I think that's it. What is our poll for this week? I want to know if the listeners have any assumptions about us.
KAYLA: Oh, dear Lord, okay
SARAH: Like do you assume… I don't even know what it would be
KAYLA: Me either
SARAH: I feel like we should have another real poll
KAYLA: Maybe like what are assumptions you catch yourself making about other people?
SARAH: About other people, yeah, that's good. Kayla?
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: What is your beef and your gees… gees? Yeah, your beef and your gees this very week?
KAYLA: My gees is… my beef is that we are in the very busy season of work at this time and so every day is a crisis and I'm so tired.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: My juice is ‘Game Changer’ the show on Dropout is back for season seven and they had their first episode premiere this week and it is the single best item of television I have watched in my entire life
SARAH: Which one is that?
KAYLA: Game Changer?
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Or Dropout?
SARAH: I know Dropout, I was literally talking about Dropout at lunch today, so take that.
KAYLA: Slay, would love for you to work there. Game Changer is the one… it's a game show that changes every…
SARAH: I like that one, that's where all of the best monologues from Brennan come from
KAYLA: Yes. So, the season premiered on Tuesday and episode one is kind of like a knockoff of Taskmaster where people at the very end of season six they gave them 15 tasks and they had one year to complete them all and then they all came back and presented and it was the collection of the most bat shit wild… like these people… they truly did that and went there… I cannot recommend that episode of television enough. And also, it's just a great streaming service to give your money to, like they recently raised their prices by a dollar after like three years and they like were super transparent about it and like gave legacy pricing to everyone that already had a subscription and… like, they just they're a very ethical streaming service and I think that's nice
SARAH: Nice. Cool. My beef is that I've become an illness, there's something wrong with me
KAYLA: There's something in there
SARAH: Yeah. And it is not the pollen, the pollen didn't… the pollen can't have done this to me.
KAYLA: The pollen can't have done this to me
SARAH: It can't have
KAYLA: It can't have
SARAH: Perhaps the pollen is making it worse but it can't have caused this
KAYLA: No
SARAH: My juice is… I mean I saw… I did many things over the weekend, I saw Hobie twice, I saw the US women's national team beat Brazil which was cool
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: I heard maybe that their second game they may have lost
KAYLA: Oh no
SARAH: The only reason I know that was because I heard someone at lunch, at the restaurant at lunch today, say that we lost to Brazil and I was like, “what are you talking about?”
KAYLA: We won
SARAH: And then I made a face and the person I was with was like, “what's wrong?” and I was like, “I'm not even gonna try and explain what happened just now.”
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Yeah, that was good, I'm so fucking tired though.
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: I'm tired and I'm ill and that's not chill
KAYLA: Mm, funny
SARAH: Great, you… we… hmm? Yeah, you can answer our poll, tell us about your beef, your juice, your geeeeef, geez? Gees? It doesn't matter, on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you for some reason want to support us. Our $5 who we are promoting this week are Arctic Enby, Chris Lauretano, Cinnamon Toast Punch, Colleen Walsh, and Edward Hayes-Holgate. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Arcnes who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop games, Bones who would like to promote mmm, Celina Dobson who would like to promote the Critical Role Foundation and Clare Olsen who would like to promote Impact_Frame. Our other $10 patrons are Derick & Carissa, Elle Bitter, Eric, my aunt Jeannie, Kayla’s dad, Maff, Martin Chiesl, Olivia O’Shea, Parker, Phoenix Leodinh, Purple Hayes, Barefoot Backpacker, SongOStorm, Val, Alastor and Alyson, also Ani, I've fucked that up. Our $15 patrons are Ace who would like to promote the writer Crystal Scherer, Andrew Hillum who would like to promote the Invisible Spectrum Podcast. Hector Murillo who would like to promote friends that are supportive, constructive, and help you grow as a better person and don't make assumptions about you. Nathaniel White who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com. Kayla’s Aunt Nina who would like to promote katemaggartart.com and Schnell who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons… I'm not sighing at you guys, to patrons, I'm sighing at life
KAYLA: She’s so sleepy
SARAH: I'm sighing at illness. Our $20 patrons are Dragonfly, Dr. Jacki, my mom and River who would like to promote malicious assumptions against people who deserve it. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears…Oh, yeah, you ate that.
KAYLA: Yeah, work. And now, some singing… 15 minutes… Only gonna take two to make you finish…
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]
