Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 379: Reddit Rabbithole (AITA) pt. 23
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Hey what's up hello! This week ask ourselves the age-old question: just what IS happening over on Reddit?
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SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl (I'm Sarah, that's me.)
KAYLA: And a bi-demisexual girl (That's me, Kayla.)
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, Reddit Rabbithole part, who is even to say any more?
SARAH: You will when you title this episode
KAYLA: When I title the episode, true.
BOTH: Sounds fake, but okay.
SARAH: Welcome back to the pod! Can I just say? I pulled up the Reddit page that we're exploring today and I just keep seeing this headline just out of the corner of my eye.
KAYLA: I wonder if it's the one I'm about to read.
SARAH: We'll find out. But first, hi.
KAYLA: Hi. Do you like my glasses?
SARAH: I do. Kayla has acquired some purple-tinted glasses.
KAYLA: Purple-tinted glasses. Which I actually like not just for the vibes of them looking fun, it's like, they're very nice to look through.
SARAH: Hell, yeah.
KAYLA: Because it's darker, but not super, super dark, you know?
SARAH: I like for my sunglasses to be a little bit purpley.
KAYLA: Mh
SARAH: I like brown sunglasses lenses, specifically ones that are warm-toned. I do not like a cool-toned sunglasses lens, which is unfortunate because my general aesthetic has a lot of black in it, but I do not want black sunglasses lens because I don't like how they look, like through them, how the world looks through them.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway. But I've had pairs before that are a little bit purple-tinted and they're nice.
KAYLA: It's nice, it takes all the yellow out, kind of. Anyway.
SARAH: Anyway. You're going to have to send me those sunglasses so I can get them so we can be matching.
KAYLA: Okay. I did get them from Amazon, unfortunately, so.
SARAH: Yeah, it happens to the best of us.
KAYLA: Sometimes you just must.
SARAH: Sometimes you have to. Okay, was that our housekeeping?
KAYLA: I guess.
SARAH: Great. Kayla, what are we talking about this week?
KAYLA: This week we are on the r/relationshipadvice Reddit. Because the other day when we were trying to figure out what to talk about, sometimes I just like go to Reddit and see if there's anything that could be turned into a topic. I don't actually think it has ever worked for me, but a girl gets desperate. But I remember going to the relationship advice Reddit and seeing this story that I'm about to read. And honestly, going to it today, Wednesday, March 18th, and looking at what the best ones are, like rating by best, and the first three, I think, are just like, wowee.
SARAH: Yes, we're doing this this week because my brain is fried for reasons that we'll get to at the very end. And I was like, can we do an AITA or a Listener Lore? But then I was like, I don't actually have any AITAs.
KAYLA: Yeah, but I do. So, I will be driving today.
SARAH: So, Kayla is driving during a Reddit episode.
KAYLA: I feel like I've been driving for weeks, by the way, road tripping across the United States. Okay, are you ready?
SARAH: I'll drive again someday.
KAYLA: One day. Are you ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: My husband, 36, M.
SARAH: Yep. Yep, that's the one I've been looking at.
KAYLA: I saw this like weeks ago and I've been thinking about this headline ever since. My husband, 36, M, poops too much for me, 36, F, to feel comfortable having another baby with him. Now, folks, this is really long, so I'm going to need you to strap in. Okay?
SARAH: I honestly, just reading that headline, I had kind of an inkling of what this actually is, and I like kind of looked a little bit and I think I'm right.
KAYLA: Yeah, it's unfortunate.
SARAH: I can't wait.
KAYLA: All right, here we go. My husband and I have been married for seven years and together 11. Okay, so you got together when you were what? 25?
SARAH: 25, yeah.
KAYLA: We have a three-and-a-half-year-old. We're having marriage issues for more reasons than I have character limit or time to write all down.
SARAH: Uh-oh
KAYLA: In short, I feel he lacks sense of responsibility and productivity in our relationship. I've been harboring so much resentment, especially after our first baby. I'm in therapy to work through it myself.
SARAH: I mean, you've been together for a long time. My inclination here is that having a child changed your relationship a lot.
KAYLA: Yeah, it does, I feel, tend to do that.
SARAH: Yeah, so. Okay, continue.
KAYLA: He has a bathroom habit where he poops every morning during our toddler's wake up breakfast drop of time.
SARAH: Drop off.
KAYLA: Drop off time.
SARAH: It's supposed to say drop off.
KAYLA: Okay, all right. Every afternoon after lunch and every evening during bath and bedtime, which precludes him from the hardest and most demanding times of everything day. All right, ma'am!?
SARAH: Of every day, she's exhausted, she's basically single parenting a toddler.
KAYLA: No, you're right, you're right. My bad, sorry, ma'am. Each bathroom session is an hour long. Edit, maybe half pooping, half shower time. How many times is he showering a day? Okay, whatever.
SARAH: I think just one of those is a shower.
KAYLA: I also know he can change his timing apparently on command because when we need to be out and about, he somehow finds a way to do it earlier or later or not go at all, though I don't know how much that affects him. We both work full time. I am 99% the one who wakes with the baby and gets him ready for preschool. He may drive the kiddo to school after I've readied him, and I'm the one to get baby bathed and ready for bed most of the time unless I wait for husband and baby goes to sleep usually later than what I'd prefer.
SARAH: You have a toddler that you're bathing every single day?
KAYLA: They do that. They're doing that.
SARAH: They do that these days?
KAYLA: Every day they're washing these kids.
SARAH: Every day!?
KAYLA: I guess at least the child in my life, they're washing that kid all the freaking time, that kid is always in the bath.
SARAH: A clean fucking kid!
KAYLA: Yeah, but if you think about it, you see a picture of him after he eats chili with his hands for dinner and you're like, there's no other way to clean him than just dunk him in a tub of water.
SARAH: Just dunking him. That's fair.
KAYLA: This baby I know also loves the tub, that kid is in there screaming, he's having the best time in there.
SARAH: I definitely did not bathe every day as a small child, but maybe I’m a cleaner eater.
KAYLA: I didn't either, my parents had to force me to bathe. But also, I've never liked bathing since I was born, I think. So, I don't like it then and I don't like it now.
SARAH: You were born to not bathe.
KAYLA: I was born to not bathe.
SARAH: And this child, born to bathe.
KAYLA: Born to bathe. They are washing these kids, man, I don't know what to tell you. Parents these days are washing these kids!
SARAH: They said no fucking germs. They said not all of your classmates are vaccinated, so I got to do something.
KAYLA: Girl! Wash the mumps off of you. Okay, he knows I've been delaying family planning because of his uncertainties around work, looking to change jobs for the last two years. Now that he's finally stabilized in his new role and when I bring up the topic of another baby, he always says it depends on me. My son asks for a baby sister because all his friends have baby sisters. Oh, that’s that. His response is it depends on mommy, but it doesn't, the issue…
SARAH: He's saying this to the child?
KAYLA: No, that's crazy.
SARAH: That is crazy.
KAYLA: You can't be doing that. The issues, lack of awareness and productivity and needing me to tell him to do everything or else he just doesn't feel he needs to be involved or present I have with him from our first baby is still unresolved and I don't see how I can manage two kids while he's gone from the most busy times of each day. Yes, I also think about if I should even think about having another baby with him. I want to have two kids because we have limited family in the U.S. and I want to make sure my son has someone who is family when he gets older. Let's assume I want to keep this relationship dot dot dot. I don't think you do, Queen. Okay, I asked him to go to the Doc and talk about his frequent bowel movements and he said he did before and it's normal. I feel like he prioritizes himself and his needs before our family’s because he seems to be able to adjust when he goes. But as a default, he seemingly chooses the busiest times of the day to do it.
SARAH: Okay, before we continue, I'm sure this is all over the comments. I would like my opinion to be known.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: This man is not shitting three times a day.
KAYLA: Certainly not.
SARAH: He is hiding in the bathroom.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: So that he does not have to do the parenting tasks that he deems inconvenient to him.
KAYLA: Yeah. Especially if there are days when you have plans and suddenly the pooping does not need to happen on the schedule and he is not affected by it. It'd be one thing if that was a huge problem for him…
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: But it seems like it is not. Clearly, like there's not like IBS going on or like, you know
SARAH: It'd be one thing if like he was like, I'm so sorry, I actually cannot schedule important work meetings after lunch because I need to shit.
KAYLA: I have to poop for an hour. An hour!
SARAH: But I just… yeah, as soon as… when I read the headline, I was like, what does this mean? And then I was like, this man is hiding in the bathroom, this man is hiding in the bathroom.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: All right. Let's continue.
[00:10:00]
KAYLA: When I ask him point blank how we're supposed to have a newborn when he's gone for three hours every day at the most critical times, he said his parents can take care of the baby.
SARAH: Do they not have to shit?
KAYLA: It's a whole family, they all shit at the same time, they have to have as many bathrooms as people in the family. His parents live two hours’ drive away.
SARAH: Girl!
KAYLA: It's not a come over and help once in a while situation. This is a multi-year, if not lifelong daily need I require from him and his first response is someone else can do it. It makes me so sad and disappointed that this is his first and only solution, I honestly don't know what he can propose. But I wanted him to see that this unavailability is a concern of mine and put in some thought. I can't stop him from pooping. It's not like we have room or I have the will to house his mom for three years to make up for my husband's need to poop. It's not like she wants to live with us for three years either. And this is just one specific concern, there are plenty of other concerns, IDK how to bring this concern up without feeling dismissed, but also not making him feel like I won't let him poop question mark.
SARAH: Sorry, I kept reading and the details.
KAYLA: Yes, there are some several edits we can get right into. Additional info, he has…
SARAH: Hemorrhoids.
KAYLA: I'm assuming this is supposed to say hemorrhoids.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: So, BM is not as simple. He refuses to talk more about it. He does have very bad hemorrhoids and I know he's in pain and I know he's definitely having a BM, but maybe doesn't need to be those specific times and lengths. The phone is definitely not helping. Okay, so we're just sitting on the toilet on our phone.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Edit, his one-hour sessions include a thorough shower after each time too. He feels icky. So maybe 30 each or 40, 20.
SARAH: I think this man needs to see a mental health professional.
KAYLA: I agree. Edit again. Appreciate all the advice on reevaluating the reason I have a second baby. I will pause that thought now. It's just that I've been waiting two years to have this talk for real. I waited so long for the right time and his response was just so hurtful and disappointing. It's not even about his BM anymore, as some of you have said, and realizing now no time is the right time, there's always something else, more excuses.
SARAH: Before you get to the next edit again, because it's a little long, I would just like to say, even if he is actually shitting every time because of his hemorrhoids or whatever, there is no need for it to be consistently, if it consistently takes the same amount of time at the same time, but on the weekends he can do it differently.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: I'm also really curious to know, when did this start? Was it as soon as the kid was born? Was this pattern emerging before the child was born? Was it when the kid hit six months? I'm really curious about this.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: Also, the fact that the husband just doesn't want to talk about it. I'm sorry, you are married, you've been together for 11 years…
KAYLA: Yeah, we're going to talk about shitting.
SARAH: You have a child together.
KAYLA: We're simply going to be talking about shitting.
SARAH: You have to talk about uncomfortable things, especially if it's influencing your relationship and your entire family this much.
KAYLA: Yeah. To me, it seems like it could be an OCD thing or a medical thing if he has hemorrhoids.
SARAH: The fact that he needs to shower after every time is, for me, that is giving OCD to me.
KAYLA: Which like, great. But then we need to talk about that if it's going to affect childcare. But how come some days it doesn't like... It seems like when he has to change his schedule, it's not affecting him. It'd be one thing if he was changing his schedule and it ruined his whole day and it was a whole thing, but it just doesn't seem that way.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Okay, the last edit. Yes, we have a bidet, but he hasn't installed it for two years, okay. I'm too resentful to install it for him. Plus, he says it's not enough because he wants to shower to feel more clean, and he thinks his fungal rash... Okay, so now we also have a fungal rash, or is that what hemorrhoids is?
SARAH: I don't really know. The only thing I know about hemorrhoids is that vine. It's like, you can't sit with us, and it's like, “actually, I can't sit anywhere, I have hemorrhoids.”
KAYLA: “Actually, I can’t sit at all, I have hemorrhoids.” A classic. I guess maybe I don't know what hemorrhoids is.
SARAH: Hemorrhoids…
KAYLA: I thought it was something like sticking out of you.
SARAH: A swollen vein or group of veins in the region of the anus.
KAYLA: That doesn't sound like a rash to me.
SARAH: They typically resolve within a week. They also recur, but that is particularly if dietary or lifestyle habits do not change. So, this man has been seeing a doctor and supposedly brought up the shitting to his doctor. I don't believe he did this. But if he has hemorrhoids, presumably, a doctor has said, this is how you improve... I mean, it's not like you can necessarily be like, I'm not going to have hemorrhoids anymore just because I'm going to...
KAYLA: Yeah. But if you went to a doctor and you were like, I have to spend three hours of my day on pooping, I feel as though your doctor would help you with that because that's like a terrible quality of life thing.
SARAH: Yeah
KAYLA: Like, no one should be living like that.
SARAH: Right. And if you have really severe hemorrhoids, you need to be getting more intense treatment on that.
KAYLA: I just don't think we should be giving up three hours of our every day. I mean, imagine how many hours of his life this man is wasting pooping.
SARAH: So many.
KAYLA: Can I continue? Or are you researching hemorrhoids now?
SARAH: Sorry. I'm looking at...
KAYLA: A picture.
SARAH: They're not… Well, there is one photo. Two photos. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I don't like that.
KAYLA: He thinks his fungal rash is caused by potential poo splash. I tell him it's stripping his natural skin barrier and making it worse, but he doesn't listen. Honestly, a good point. If you're like scrubbing at your skin all the time.
SARAH: You're scrubbing at your ass all the time.
KAYLA: That's not good. Okay. A few bullet points. If I leave the house for a work trip four times a year, three to four days at a time, he just calls his parents over. When I mentioned he doesn't step up, he says, I leave all the time for work travel. Oh, okay. Someone has to pay the bills.
SARAH: Once a fucking fiscal quarter. Like, girl.
KAYLA: Three to four days. Like, chill, girl. His parents make excuses for him. Talking to his parents has not worked, I've talked many times. I should be patient and teach him. I should have the benefit of the doubt. And he's not intentional because he's kind of dumb; his mom's words. His dad is actually pretty proactive and handy at home. His mom says kids want their moms more anyway, it's natural, et cetera, et cetera. My mom says men are all like this. My dad is like this too, she said. But my dad cleans and manages everything for the house and cars in and out. Super handy. Fixes everything. My mom took care of us. He has poor EQ, but not useless. Husband is none of that. And also has low EQ. Insane.
SARAH: Is that emotional intelligence?
KAYLA: Like emotional intelligence, I think, yeah
SARAH: Yeah, I think so too.
KAYLA: Love. He has unlimited data. Wi-Fi doesn't do anything. He streams YouTube while driving. He's just listening, he says. Okay. He's definitely not doing drugs that I know 100%. Me taking his phone away result in anger and yelling, I'm not his mom. I don't want to deal with it. I don't have time to monitor him and grab his phone each time, I have better things to do.
SARAH: Oh my God
KAYLA: And that's the end of it.
SARAH: I just… yeah, I don't like this man.
KAYLA: Also…
SARAH: His mom is absolutely like a… what is it? Like a boy mom who's really weird about it. What's that called?
KAYLA: Yeah. My God, buy a signal jammer and hide it in the bathroom.
SARAH: Weaponized shitting, weaponized incontinence.
KAYLA: Yeah, everyone in the comments is like, he is not pooping.
SARAH: Oh my God. Wait, here's this comment that says, he weaponized it against himself. Sitting on the toilet for extended periods of time is one of the main causes of hemorrhoids.
KAYLA: I have heard that.
SARAH: He literally gave himself ass issues by sitting on the toilet on his phone for hours to avoid caring for his child.
KAYLA: You know who this guy would hate?
SARAH: Mh
KAYLA: The guy that stuck toilet paper up his butt because he was wiping wrong.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Not to bring it up again, so sorry, but these guys would not get along.
SARAH: Yeah. That’s wild. There are several comments basically being like, if he's just sitting on the toilet like that, that's definitely making his hemorrhoids worse.
KAYLA: Yeah. I mean, they do say that, like, don't sit on the toilet for long periods of time.
SARAH: This person goes, yeah, but shortened sitting on the toilet can cause parenting, a variant of adulting, so, what's a man to do?
KAYLA: I just feel as though they should not be having another child together.
SARAH: Yeah, that's truly wild. He's basically spending 14 hours per week in the bathroom. My partner has IBS and he does not spend this amount of time in the bathroom. Maybe if he's having an attack, he can be in the bathroom, but it's not on a schedule.
KAYLA: This person said, I'm not buying the went to a doctor and they said it was normal. My GI doc instructed me to stay sitting on the toilet for no longer than eight minutes during a bowel movement and I have chronic constipation.
[00:20:00]
SARAH: Tea. Yeah.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: I think you need to divorce this man. I think there are deeper problems that were definitely underlying.
KAYLA: Because also the random throw in of like he watches YouTube while he's driving, but he says he's just listening, like, currently there's other stuff we're upset about.
SARAH: Well, and if he cannot take care of this child on his own, if he has to bring his parents in every single time.
KAYLA: Yeah. What is the point of this man?
SARAH: Like that's not a parent, that's not even a babysitter, a babysitter can do better than that. Like a babysitter can actually take care of a child.
KAYLA: Yeah, he's not doing anything.
SARAH: He's like the weird uncle that can't be trusted.
KAYLA: True.
SARAH: Wow. All right.
KAYLA: Okay. Let's see. Ready for our next one?
SARAH: I'm ready.
KAYLA: Girlfriend 26, F of three months slapped me 32, M in the balls for a third time.
SARAH: Here's the thing, I saw that in like the sidebar in the recommended.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: And I was like, I'm interested in this and I clicked on it, but now I can't find it, where did it go?
KAYLA: It was… for me when I had it just on the homepage of the Reddit, sorted by best, it was right under the poop one. I guess I could just send you a link.
SARAH: Oh, wait, I found it. I found it. I found it.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Okay. Yeah. Yup.
KAYLA: Okay. Ready?
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: I, 32, M previously explained to my girlfriend 26, F the immense pain that being slapped in the testes caused a man. We've been dating for about three months. The first time she said it was an accident and I let it go. The second time I sent her an article about the immense levels of pain that it could cause a man
SARAH: Written by a man, I'm sure.
KAYLA: Yeah. The third time tonight she did it again. I asked why and she just apologized and said she didn't know why she did it. I told her I'm sorry that I made her hate me enough to want to do that to me. What!? We were just watching the new One Piece live action with my legs on her lap and out of nowhere she winds up and full on slaps my nads, I saw a little laugh like she truly enjoyed doing it. I pushed her away with my feet and told her I don't know what her deal is and left her apartment. Surely this is a valid reason to not talk to her again. She said she would never do it again and is sorry and didn't enjoy doing that, but the look of enjoyment she had just creeped me the F out. Um, what's wrong with this woman?
SARAH: Yeah, that's... Yeah, you have been together for three months… If you've been together a really long time, you can do annoying shit that they actively dislike and know where the line is.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But clearly, this man is very sensitive about his sensitive testes.
KAYLA: I mean, to be fair...
SARAH: And I'm sure it hurts quite a bit.
KAYLA: I'm sure it hurts a lot. And also, he told her, like, stop it.
SARAH: No, exactly. He has expressed to her, even in a way that I think is funny in that he sent her an article.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: But like he has expressed to her that it is painful, he does not like it.
KAYLA: Yeah. Which should be enough.
SARAH: Which should be enough. Even if it's a little funny, but it's still not chill.
KAYLA: It's not, yeah.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Part of the reason this makes me giggle so much is there was a time, I don't know, it was within the last year, Dean and I were hanging out with some of our friends. And for some reason, the urge came upon me to just like smack Dean in the nuts. And so, I did. And I don't know, it just came upon me and I did it. The urge was there and I did it. And then I got in trouble. But you know who has never done it again? Me.
SARAH: You.
KAYLA: It just came over me.
SARAH: Like I can understand being like once or twice, but once you get to a third time, it's like, what are you doing?
KAYLA: And also, like with only within three months of dating someone, it's like, you don't know this man.
SARAH: You don't know this man.
KAYLA: Oh, okay. 39, M, 34, F. Partner of 18 months says, unless I propose with a 40K real diamond, don't propose at all.
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: My partner and I have been discussing engagement rings. Upon doing some research, I was shocked to learn lab-grown diamonds are now a thing and are indistinguishable from the real thing. When I shared this with her, she snapped that, unless I propose with a real diamond, don't bother. I wasn't planning on proposing with a lab-grown, I was simply sharing what I'd learned. She had previously mentioned that her sister had a 2.9-Carat ring and that she wanted a 3-Carat presumably to outdo her sister. Now I'm having second thoughts about the whole thing based on how she's behaved. The women are running crazy in this Reddit today.
SARAH: I don't want a fucking blood diamond, I want a lab-grown, although there are problems still with lab-grown.
KAYLA: 3-Carat diamond, how big is that?
SARAH: Is it big?
KAYLA: I mean, depending on the cut, some of them look like not as bad, but it's pretty big.
SARAH: Oh, that's pretty big, that's pretty big, yeah. They average $30,000 to $40,000 for earth-mined stones, approximately $5,000 for lab-grown, and up to over $100,000 for natural quality, high quality natural diamonds.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: Yeah, that's, no, we won't be doing that.
KAYLA: We won't be doing that.
SARAH: This is interesting.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Let me take the reins for a moment.
KAYLA: My God, stealing the wheel.
SARAH: Stealing the wheel. My 23, F boyfriend, 24, M, got really jacked, and now I'm no longer attracted to him.
KAYLA: Tea.
SARAH: I feel like often you hear this sort of thing when people gain weight, and so I think it's interesting to talk about it in the sense of he got really muscley, and I don't like that because it's not like a, oh, I just fucking hate you now because you got fat.
KAYLA: Yeah
SARAH: It's a different, but it's the same thing, but it's different.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: We've been together for almost four years. Recently, he has been getting really into fitness and weightlifting. Our cupboard is full of protein powders, and he's seriously gained a ton of muscle, which is significantly more cut than he was before. This is not saying he was out of shape before, we've both always been healthy, but the focus on weightlifting and muscle growth is new as of six months ago. I should clarify that when I say he has gotten into fitness I don't mean the whole culture that can negatively come with it, he's not looks maxing or falling into the red pill or anything. He's still the extremely sweet, generous guy he always has been. The only personality change is around our meals, where he insists on weighing out his portions and cooking for himself.
KAYLA: Gross
SARAH: Weighing your portions is a lot.
KAYLA: I don't like that.
SARAH: Like, you're not a professional bodybuilder.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Maybe he wants to be, I don't know.
KAYLA: No.
SARAH: I can understand the intensity and dedication as I used to dance semi-professionally, but quit to focus on academics halfway through college. This is all to say, I still love him, but something about his new body turns me off. The best I can describe it, as you know in the Marvel movies, he used to be look more like Loki, and now he's Thor. There's nothing against Thor, but I feel like there's a lot of girls like me that agree that Loki is objectively hotter. Our sex life has suffered. I don't think his stamina is better by any measurable degree, and the posturing and visual of him shirtless gives me more images of stuffy Hollywood actors and fake online personalities than the sweet guy I know he is. General intimacy is also on the decline as things like cuddling and just making out aren't as comfortable for me anymore. How can I explain this to him? I'm sure he can feel me pulling away, and my God I don't want to hurt him. I'm wondering what his reasoning for all of this was other than simple self-improvement. I promise I still give him compliments and pump up his self-esteem just as much as I used to, so if it's an insecurity thing, I'm hoping it's not for me. All this is to say, I have no plans on breaking up, but I'd like to be physically attracted to him again. And there's a pretty long edit. Would you like to say anything before I get to the edit?
KAYLA: No, I mean, I think it's...
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: No, I just think what you said earlier is interesting because usually it goes the other way around. And also, I think there is so much, I don't know, men's body image is such a thing and such a problem, and I feel like most men are going towards this, of feeling like they need to be more muscular and more cut and more looking like movie star bodies, whatever. And so, it's interesting to see someone do that and it like... I don't want to say backfire because I don't know why he's doing it, but you know.
SARAH: Yeah. Okay, edit. I think people are misinterpreting what I'm saying. We're both muscular already. I'm talking about the new build on top of what was already there. I won't speak on steroid use because if he's using it, it's without my knowledge and I have no oversight. Someone in my DMs mentioned something about a Twitter post a few months ago from the artist Olly Murs in which he changed dramatically to be what a lot of men find more conventionally attractive. I saw this post when it happened, he got super jacked basically. And people were shocked by women's preference in the comments. Basically, in the comments, women were saying, I liked you better before, essentially. This is exactly what I'm talking about. The point being people were saying he changed himself to look like what men want, not what women want.
KAYLA: Yeah.
[00:30:00]
SARAH: They like to be like, oh, well, why aren't women attracted to this? Because you're not doing it for most women, you're doing it for the approval of other men.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I don't see the new development as improving himself or necessarily healthy, I don't think having the lowest body fat percentage as possible is healthy. I also worry about his cardiovascular health as the increase of mass makes your heart work harder and doesn't necessarily correlate to better health outcomes. Okay, informed. Especially if you neglect cardio in fear that it limits your gains. Perhaps I have some dance trauma to blame for this. Probably true. Or perhaps I'm interpreting the science wrong, but this is my view of things. I think all of those things can be true at the same time.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: I'm not sure if Reddit is being Reddit here, but the general consensus in the last few hours is that I'm a bad person and I should dump him. That's not happening, I still love him deeply and with all my heart. I'm simply asking how to get over slash address the newfound lack of physical and sexual attraction. And even then, it's not 100 to 0. My libido didn't fall off a cliff. It's a preference which I can overlook due to so much other good in him. Forgive me for being defensive, but the amount of assumptions people have made about our relationship is astounding. I'm not insecure personally or in our relationship. He supported me when I was stressed out, finishing my degrees, and I'm supporting him as he finishes his, both emotionally and partially financially. Lastly, I haven't thought of this before, but I got tipped off about the possible intention to propose right after graduation, and a new part of me thinks he's doing this to look as good as possible during those upcoming milestones. I don't know, I guess we'll see.
KAYLA: That's interesting. I don't know, I don't think she's the asshole here, I think…
SARAH: Because she's not saying she's going to dump him.
KAYLA: No. And like physical preferences change.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: And I don't know, you can't control what you're attracted to. I think it would be one thing if she was going to throw away her whole relationship because she didn't like how he looked anymore. That I would not agree with also just because I just can't quite fathom someone putting that much priority on their sex life to throw out a relationship for that, in my mind.
SARAH: Some people would, but I can't comprehend it.
KAYLA: Yeah. I can't fathom that, but I don't know. Also, it's interesting to me, her commenting on the Hollywood stature, the Thor versus Loki thing, because I was actually talking to Dean about this recently, about the kind of people, or celebrities in particular, that I will bring up as attractive, and how different that is from my actual type in real life. Sarah can attest to this, Dean is what my type looks like. The series of men that Sarah has seen me date are the same type of men.
SARAH: Yeah. Cornelius.
KAYLA: Yukon Cornelius ass vibes. When you see celebrities, I feel like you're like Hudson Williams or Connor Storries, whatever. Obviously very attractive. If I saw those men in real life, I would think that they were assholes because they have the build of a man who works out a lot in that way that I just generalize to a red-pilled man, you know what I mean?
SARAH: Right
KAYLA: Which, you know, not all men and the like
SARAH: Yeah. And like that's an assumption on your part, and that's a stereotype on your part, but it still exists.
KAYLA: Yeah. Like that's just… in real life, that has never been the type of person I'm drawn to. In Hollywood context, it's like, yeah, sure, but if I saw that person in real life, I'd be like, I'm good, thank you. So yeah, that's interesting.
SARAH: So, there is a comment that has nearly as many upvotes as the post itself. Are you ready?
KAYLA: Mm-hmm
SARAH: It is from xTaurusRisingx.
KAYLA: Oh my God, me.
SARAH: This person said; so, I've always theorized that when it comes to partner changes we physically dislike, it's often due to what we feel those changes represent or say about our partner, which then becomes an unconscious dialogue of what that says about us. In the example most often posted here, every one of four posts it seems, we see men often being upset with their partners gaining weight and wanting to find ways to remedy the situation. Oftentimes, but not always, the wife is still someone they claim they love, who shows up and is present as a partner slash mother slash friend, but they've started to struggle with health. While yes, they may truly not find their new physique attractive, I think it's often such a distressing complex for these guys because being with someone who is overweight becomes a moral issue rather than simply a disagreement in preference. Basically, if I'm with someone who's X, that must mean they are Y, which must mean I am Z. I noticed your semantic use of stuffy or fake. This is the root of why the body changes are a concern. Likely not pure shallowness. However, if this is the case for you, the real work comes from working on shifting your perspective of bulky gym bro equals disingenuous and self-absorbed or whatever you prefer to associate the changes as. Anyway, I do wish you luck in this, I'm sure it won't be easy, but I can sympathize with how you feel. And then there's this reply that says, this is 100% the correct answer. People love to say you can't help what you're attracted to, but you actually can make some shifts in attraction to an extent, not totally, of course, because of this. OP, talking things out with your partner in a way that doesn't make it about looks is possible. Asking deeper into the motivations for this change, how he views himself, what he feels like this will improve in his life, et cetera, will help you feel less worried about the fake gym bro persona and closer as a couple, which just factors hugely in attraction and intimacy that people always overlook.
KAYLA: I think that's a really good point, especially… yeah, I think she talks so often about his old self or his true self being very sweet and caring and generous and that that doesn't match with his new look, which I think is kind of the point. To the point I was saying too, of you generalize people that look that certain way of just being a gym bro, a stupid guy, toxic, whatever, and so you would associate that with something you feel is unattractive on like a personality level.
SARAH: Yeah, this comment says, it sounds like you're not turned off by the muscles themselves but by the lifestyle shift that came with them. When someone's identity suddenly becomes gym, diet, and aesthetics, it can change how they show up emotionally in a relationship.
KAYLA: Yeah, true.
SARAH: And also, a comment that says how Chris Hemsworth and his wife even prefer when he's leaner, and they were like, not even Thor prefers Thor.
KAYLA: That's funny.
SARAH: Interesting. Okay, this comment says, nobody is responding or addressing a major intimacy that was cut out, which is cooking, eating, and sharing a meal together. For me, that's massive, and my partner agrees. Aside from his body changes, the routine changes could be a greater underlying issue, his body represents his steadfast commitment to the gym and eating habits. Maybe dissect it from there and explore meal prep together, ways to reintroduce emotional intimacy, and the physical will follow. Good luck. Ignore the shallow comments, too, there's a lot of single people responding for some reason.
KAYLA: I wonder if, too, some of it is like she brings up being an ex-dancer and maybe having some ex-dancer trauma there. I can imagine that it would be uncomfortable if you have struggled with that kind of thing in the past to then watch your partner be very strict about calories and eating and meal sizes. Like, that's not going to be comfortable to watch in your own home.
SARAH: Yeah, just as you said that, I came across a comment that says, I agree with this, and I would like to add, OP, a lot of this seems to stem from your focus on the possible negative reasons for this lifestyle change, unrealistic and hurtful Hollywood beauty expectations, possible insecurities. I really wonder if this may be you projecting negative feelings you may have had when you were a dancer. Dancing is a highly restrictive discipline and culture, and it's something you willingly let go of during college, and it doesn't sound like you regret leaving it. But you did mention it in your worries about this issue, so I can't help but feel that it is weighing on your perspective in some way. Like, if you've escaped a very restrictive culture and perhaps diet, and you feel like escaping that has been beneficial for you, and you see your partner intentionally entering a space that looks a lot like that, I can see why that would be... mm
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Also, I do think people just have physical preferences of what they're attracted to, you can't control that. Some people are into men who look like rats, some people are into men who are so symmetrical, they look AI-generated. There's only so much you can do about that, and if this person suddenly looks like in a way that is not your preferred type, maybe that's just reality now. You can't make them do anything, and they can't change what you're attracted to, so if you're still interested in being a part of this relationship and putting the work in, which OP clearly is, then that's just how it's going to be.
KAYLA: Yeah. I think the comment about changing perspective on it is the best thing you could do. That's the only amount you're going to, ‘change’ what you're attracted to, is trying to connect it less to the physical and more to something else, I feel like.
SARAH: This comment says, I don’t know why but your “idk if Reddit is being Reddit” comment resonated with me so much. In a now deleted post I made years ago I asked Reddit what I should do in a weird situation similar to yours with my girlfriend. Reddit told me I was an asshole and should break up with my girlfriend so she doesn’t waste any more of her time and be able to find someone who is attracted to her 100% of the time. Instead, I deleted my post and focused on the relationship and had a real conversation, which went way better than I thought it would, and we are still happy and in love. The point is, don't listen to Reddit and talk to your man. I guarantee it'll go better than what you're stressing about.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Yeah, fair.
SARAH: Yeah. The expectation that your partner has to be 100% attracted to you 100% of the time is just so unrealistic.
KAYLA: It's simply not going to happen. Do you remember, I don't know if we ever talked about this post, I don't think we did, I think it's maybe just a Reddit post that flies around sometimes is this like… what am I thinking of? It's this man that's like, I'm obsessed with my wife and I don't know what to do about it. It's this guy talking about how he goes through these phases of being obsessed with his wife and then he's just fine on her and then whatever
SARAH: Interesting
KAYLA: Which is funny. It feels very over-exaggerated, but I also think that's somewhat realistic. There's just going to be different phases of your relationship.
SARAH: Yeah, this comment says, tons of people in this sub bending over backwards to find any reason OP might not be attracted to her boyfriend and refusing to accept that some people are just not attracted to overly muscular or cut men. As I said…
KAYLA: What are you going to do?
SARAH: Perhaps all of it's true. Perhaps it all coexists.
KAYLA: Imagine.
SARAH: Oh, this one's interesting, but it's really long.
KAYLA: Yeah, I'm seeing some others there. I'll just read the headline of one. I think it ends up not being super interesting.
SARAH: Mm
KAYLA: Oh, how do I, 25, F communicate to my partner 26, M he needs a smaller condom? It just keeps falling off.
SARAH: Oh, no
KAYLA: There's a lot of very nice comments about just things to do, but it's just funny.
SARAH: Here's an interesting one, and it's not super long, this can be our last one. My 20, F boyfriend 21, M mom, so the boyfriend's mom.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: Found out that I have polyamorous parents.
KAYLA: Ooh
SARAH: The boyfriend is pulling away. What can I do to help her, the mom of the boyfriend, understand?
KAYLA: Why is the boyfriend pulling away? Because of his mommy?
SARAH: His mom is probably whispering in his ear.
KAYLA: Well, first of all, dump him because we don't want a man with a mother in his ear, I'll tell you that. And then you won't have to deal with her.
SARAH: Yeah. So, I 20, F have polyamorous parents. I have always had polyamorous parents. This is nothing new as they have been together for almost 22 years. This may seem like a lot of repetition, but I'm really angry. My boyfriend 21, M and I met in our first year of university and we've been together for two years. He has met my parents, been to our cottage and has things in common with all four of them. He has never once mentioned that he finds them weird or made any negative comments about them. So, OP has four parents because they're in a poly relationship.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Where I live, you can have up to four people on your birth certificate, this is important to the story. I was at my boyfriend's house today spending time with him because he lives in the same city where our university is. I'm just over four hours away, so I live in student housing. While I was at his house, I got an email from the university that it needed my SIN, my social insurance, and I'm guessing that's social insurance number, and my birth certificate so that I could facilitate changing my major.
KAYLA: Crazy.
SARAH: What?
KAYLA: Why do I need my birth certificate to change my major? Like, girl, please.
SARAH: Yeah. That's crazy. This is definitely somewhere in Europe. At first, I thought it was UK, but then I don't know that in the UK they can put four people.
KAYLA: We gotta be guessing locations.
SARAH: We always have to be guessing locations. This is giving to me like Nordic. Anyway.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: I texted my mama, one of my mothers, and asked her to email a copy to me, which she did. I was talking to my boyfriend's mom when she, my mama, sent my birth certificate. When I opened the PDF to make sure that it was the correct document, my boyfriend's mom saw that I have four parents on my birth certificate. She began to ask questions, and when I told her that I have four parents, it took her a while to realize that I meant what I said and I don't have step parents, but four parents who lived together and raised me and my siblings. She got all quiet before asking me to go back to campus. I was confused, but did leave.
KAYLA: Girl!
SARAH: I texted my boyfriend afterwards and I asked him if there was something I did. He said no, but has been giving me non-answers. I'm studying for midterms and feeling stressed out and like my relationship is going to implode. How do I navigate this conversation in a way that doesn't make him feel alienated or hurt his feelings? You're so brave for thinking about his feelings.
KAYLA: Yeah, why, why, why, why, why?
SARAH: TL;DR, my boyfriend of two years is pulling away after his mom discovered I have polyamorous parents from my birth certificate. So, the boyfriend has known.
KAYLA: Yeah, it seems like the boyfriend has no issue with it.
SARAH: Yeah, but the mom does, that's wild.
KAYLA: I just feel as though he should grow up and not let his mom dictate who he dates.
SARAH: Yeah. This person says, it sounds less like he has a problem with your parents and more like he's uncomfortable dealing with his mother's judgment.
KAYLA: Yeah. I also wonder if part of him is like giving him the benefit of the doubt, just like embarrassed by his mom. And that's why he is like, doesn't want to talk to her about it.
SARAH: Yeah. His mother is probably worried about what their marriage would look like if her son married OP, because as we all know, polyamory is genetic.
KAYLA: It could be, I've heard kink is genetic.
SARAH: Oh. Well, the top comment says totally unrelated, but I have never met someone with polyamorous parents and I'm really curious about what names you call them. And OP did respond.
KAYLA: Okay.
SARAH: It's mom, papa, mama and dad.
KAYLA: Wait, mom?
SARAH: Mom, dad, mama and papa.
KAYLA: Okay, yes. The mamas and the papas. Do you think that's what they have? They have like a family group chat that's called the mamas and the papas?
SARAH: The mamas and the papas.
KAYLA: That's pretty good.
SARAH: Ah, we think it's Canada.
KAYLA: Must be nice.
SARAH: Because in Canada you can have up to four people on your birth certificate. Also, the fact that the name is that mom and dad is giving English as the native language.
KAYLA: Oh, yeah.
SARAH: So, I bet it is Canada.
KAYLA: Man, they're doing everything up there.
SARAH: I know. This person says, let it go for now. I know that that's wildly difficult and that non-answers are usually much more anxiety-inducing than even negative answers, but pressing for anything is going to cause harm. Let him process his mother's reaction and handle it in whichever way he sees fit. Let him process his handling of it. When slash if he's ready to talk about it, let him come to you. His mom likely just needs to be talked down from the, well, if she's used to this lifestyle, she's going to force it on my son, whether it's by him or by herself. Give him time to figure out what the situation is before trying to force him to explain the situation. And this other comment says, also, focus on your midterms, this BF will be there when you’re done with them.
KAYLA: I was just going to say, I, at times, tried to deal with relationship issues while in the middle of exams in college, and it was never good for anything
SARAH: Yeah. In response to some comments about polyamory versus monogamy in her relationship with her boyfriend, OP said, I told him I wanted to be completely monogamous when we started dating, I still feel the same. I know I don't have the level of emotional bandwidth capacity for emotional labor or the communication skills that comes with being polyamorous. And she said that she was going to bring it up with him later that day.
KAYLA: Drama.
SARAH: Tea
KAYLA: Drama.
SARAH: All right. Kayla, what's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: What's the deal with this poop, you guys?
SARAH: Who needs to be divorced the fastest?
KAYLA: That one.
SARAH: Yeah, I can't even remember what the other one was.
KAYLA: I don't know that any of the other ones…
SARAH: The divorce was even on the table for any of the other ones.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: This is what happens when you have ADHD, you can't actually remember anything else that we've talked about in this podcast. Advice?
KAYLA: Advice.
SARAH: These people, they were seeking advice, so let us know.
KAYLA: That's true, they were.
SARAH: Great. Kayla, what’s your beef and your juice for this week?
KAYLA: I will give a gravy, which is that I did an at-home sleep study last night, which is good because hopefully I will learn why I'm always sleepy. But I had to hook up a bunch of stuff all over me, so it was not a comfortable sleep
SARAH: Like a lie detector test?
KAYLA: Yeah, kind of, actually. I did have the thing across my chest. So, that wasn't fun, I woke up so sleepy. I'm going to a Heated Rivalry night on Saturday…
SARAH: Henck yenck.
KAYLA: For my friend's birthday.
SARAH: Hencky yencky. I love that for you.
KAYLA: Yep.
SARAH: I also have gravy, which is that I have been able to sit in on a writers’ room this week, and I will next week also, which has been good, and I have been enjoying it. However, I still have to do my job.
KAYLA: Booo!
SARAH: So, I have been waking up in the morning, using creative brain for six hours and then having to do nine hours of work in five hours after that.
KAYLA: Yuck.
SARAH: Which is why my brain is fried. Other things. I actually have several juices this week, everyone.
KAYLA: Huge, if true.
SARAH: Clap and cheer. My childhood dog Sadie, she turned 18 yesterday.
KAYLA: Old!
SARAH: She can now vote. She can smoke a cigarette, if she can get her lips closed around it, it's going to be a little hard for her. She's a grown woman.
KAYLA: Love that for her.
SARAH: My therapist canceled today, I’m really pleased about that.
KAYLA: Ma'am!
SARAH: No, because I was stressed, because I was like, I have so much work I need to do and I don't really want to do it.
KAYLA: Yeah, that’s fair
SARAH: But then she texted and she was like, “hey, my internet is fucked up. Can we not do it?” And I was like, oh my God, girl! Thank you so much. My other juice, it's also kind of a gravy, is that there is a BTS album coming out tomorrow.
KAYLA: What are you going to do?
SARAH: I'm not emotionally prepared for that in any way.
KAYLA: You know what? Another album that's coming out soon is a Pentatonix original album.
SARAH: For the first time since 2015?
KAYLA: I think in like two days it's maybe coming out.
SARAH: Oh my God!
KAYLA: I know. Who are we?
[00:50:00]
SARAH: Yeah, so there's a whole ass BTS album coming out.
KAYLA: What are you going to do?
SARAH: I have not been around for a full BTS album release. I guess Proof, but Proof didn't have a full album's worth of new songs, it had like an EP’s worth of new songs. Like the last time that they had a full album release was my first comeback with BTS in 2020. I haven't taken it in at all. I'm not prepared.
KAYLA: I'm worried for you.
SARAH: Me too.
KAYLA: What if it's bad? Can you imagine?
SARAH: It's not going to be bad.
KAYLA: Oh, okay.
SARAH: I think even if there are songs that like are less my style, less my speed, I think it will be objectively good.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's fair.
SARAH: So yeah, I'm kind of stressed about that. I'm like, can I not… I guess I can't go to the gym tomorrow because I think it's dropping at 9 p.m. my time, I won't be back from the gym by then.
KAYLA: No, certainly not.
SARAH: Or if I am, I won't have time to like shower, you know? Anyway, so that is a gravy because I'm stressed about it.
KAYLA: Fair.
SARAH: Because I'm not prepared. I have too many hyperfixations at the same time.
KAYLA: What's a girl to do?
SARAH: You can tell us about your beef, your juice… By the time this is out, the BTS album will be out, so, tell me about your favorite song on Arirang on our social media @soundsfakepod. We also have a Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod if you'd like to support us there. Your money that you give us can help me pay for the new fucking army bomb that I need to buy, because they are evil capitalists, not BTS, HYBE. Our $5 patrons who we are promoting this week are Mel McMeans, Meredith, Morgan I., Philip Rueker and Phoenix Eliot. Our $10 patrons who are promoting something this week are Benjamin Ybarra, who would like to promote Tabletop games. Clare Olsen, who would like to promote Impact_Frame. Danielle Hutchinson, who would like to promote Rainbow Pride Knits. Derick & Carissa, who would like to promote supporting each other through the transitions we face. And Elle Bitter, who would like to promote normalizing the use of tone indicators/srs. Our other $10 patrons, or other ones, the ones who will promote things on another day are Eric, my aunt Jeannie, Johanna, Kayla's Dad, KELLER bradley, Maff, Martin Chiesl, Purple Hayes, Quartertone, Barefoot Backpacker, SongOStorm, Val, Alastor, Ani, and Arcnes. Our $15 patrons are Ace, who would like to promote the writer, Crystal Scherer. Nathaniel White, who would like to promote NathanielJWhiteDesigns.com. Kayla's aunt Nina, who would like to promote katemaggartart.com and Schnell, who would like to promote accepting that everyone is different and that's awesome. Our $20 patrons are Changeling & Alex, who would like to promote their company ControlAltAccess.com. Dr. Jacki, Dragonfly, my mom, and River, who would like to promote, everyone just listen to the new BTS album, I hope you're all enjoying it.
KAYLA: Yay!
SARAH: It is, for me, twenty four hours and two minutes away. So, that was the $20 patrons. Thanks for listening, tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]
